Author Topic: My Story The Good Wolf and the Treasure Chest  (Read 2236 times)

Online TreasurTopic starter

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My Story The Good Wolf and the Treasure Chest
« on: April 25, 2018, 12:08:48 AM »
Starting a new thread post-divorce. My previous thread is here http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=10030.0

Where am I after 2.5 years? I've let go of most of my expectations that anything involving XH will make sense or get better from my point of view. I'm not standing because there is nothing left of what I valued to stand for. I no longer want XH in my life because I wouldn't feel good about myself if I wanted anyone who could treat me as he has done. I don't hate him, but I don't see him as I did and his life now is not my business. I've accepted most of the tough truths that I can see. I see MLC as an explanation but not an excuse, and understanding doesn't change anything important about how things are or what I do next because it isn't my crisis even though my life was rewritten by it. I am more focused on what I need and want. I am still unsure of who HaW was really and still struggling to make sense of the difference between the past and present as part of my own life story. I accept though that XH's persona is also part of who he really is, albeit a dark twisted part, because it's not possible to borrow a new personality from nowhere like a free gift with a cereal box. I still have moments of disbelief and sadness, but they pass and I am no longer on my knees. I do not feel less valuable because my H stopped valuing me. I do not know what he thinks or feels about what has happened because he's never said but it is logical to assume that he is indifferent to me and is happy with his choices as he continues to act in the same way. If he isn't, that is his problem. I accept that our realities and values are different now, and may always have been, and that I don't have the right to tell my XH who he should be or how to live...but I do have the right to not stand and be a punchbag for his choices where I can protect myself because he doesn't have the right to tell me who to be or how to live my life either.

I'd like XH to go away and I'd like the legal stuff to end, but I may need to buckle up for another fight if he decides to renege on the financial agreement. Makes no rational sense that he would as he says he wants to 'move on' and has the divorce and new life he wanted, but hey ho, it is as it is. I have briefed my L to start thinking how to respond to this with gloves off as I don't feel the same obligation to an XH as I did to my H.

My biggest priority now is to tidy up the mess of my own life and get much clearer about what I do and don't want. I cannot see a day when I would want XH to play any part in my life at all, no matter how small, but I probably haven't quite found the right spot to put my memories of my H and M and the life we shared yet. I do however trust that some puzzle pieces need active work and others will just unfold over time. I am not happy right now but I am no longer unhappy. I'm probably in a sort of 'hmmm, what now' place of sorting through the things I want to put in my new Treasure Chest, the diamonds and precious jewels that belong to me. To be honest, my life is such a disordered pile of chaos - largely through my own failures to act - that this is more than enough to keep me busy for the next few months.

And my 'escape and avoid' activity is my new allotment...if you want to, you can follow my digging and growing journey here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com  :)
« Last Edit: April 25, 2018, 12:28:09 AM by Treasur »
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD)
No kids.
BD Oct 15. OW since Apr 16?
H filed Jan 17. Divorced April 18

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"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline Whyus

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Re: The Good Wolf and the Treasure Chest
« Reply #1 on: April 25, 2018, 01:17:58 AM »
Great opening Post Treasur... I will Keep an eye on your tomatoes  ;)
Married - 19,5 Years pre BD
Together - 21,5 Years
Me: 44
W: 44
BD 1: 10.01.2017
BD 2: 24.02.2017 OM 28. Trainings partner. Still together
2 Sons - 18 & 19
2 Dogs and a cat.
Own home . Sold!
Divorce Filed
T1  http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8671.0
T10. http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9547.0

Offline Silver

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Re: The Good Wolf and the Treasure Chest
« Reply #2 on: April 25, 2018, 02:22:00 AM »
Agree, great post, following along Treasur.
"I've seen dreams that move the mountains, hope that doesn't ever end even when the sky is falling. I've seen miracles just happen, silent prayers get answered, broken hearts become brand new. That's what faith can do." Kutless

Online Thunder

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Re: The Good Wolf and the Treasure Chest
« Reply #3 on: April 25, 2018, 03:51:22 AM »
Me too!

It looks like a lot of work but you've already done quite a bit. 
I'm excited to see all you plant.  I had a veggie garden at my old house so I know how good it feels to plan and nurture and watch your plants grow.

Thanks for sharing.
With her permission, a quote from a recovered MLCer: 
From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did.

Offline Helpingme!

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Re: The Good Wolf and the Treasure Chest
« Reply #4 on: April 25, 2018, 04:03:28 AM »
Following  along Treasur. 

Offline Milly

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Re: The Good Wolf and the Treasure Chest
« Reply #5 on: April 25, 2018, 04:22:33 AM »
Treasur, catching up. Love the title of your thread, sounds like the MLC version of Harry Potter. 

I teated myself to catching up on your threads with my breakfast this morning. Bank holiday here. Although I'm always tempted to read everyone's thread as soon as they post something new, there is so much more to gain from reading several pages at once. Lucky for me, you enjoy writing.

First, I'm sorry your D is finalized. Mine will be too one day, and I know that will be another difficult step to go through. I do appreciate that you posted your down days. I recognize myself in your feelings of bewilderment that your marriage is over, that the person you loved and loved you, no longer does, and has no need to have anything to do with you whatsoever. The shame that you still feel something for him, maybe still love him in spite of everything he's done. That no one in RL would understand, they would think you pathetic, that you should move on, hate him. That no one understands that a MLC divorce is like death but without the 'positives' of death where you are allowed to mourn openly, you are allowed to love your H for ever, you are allowed to talk about him kindly. And a MLC D is also worse than death because we were rejected, which for me still carries a sense that I was not good enough.

Like I saw myself in you as you posted these emotions, I bet many others did, too. Also to hear TREASUR, strong, determined, wise Treasure feel a little ashamed makes me feel so much better about my own shame.

I'm relieved for you that your house sales appears to be going through after all the new chaos there. Yes, I also feel that karma or whatever just keeps throwing more problems out to me to resolve, as if I've become the universe's problem dumping ground, just hand it to Milly, she'll fix it.

Although, since I've sold my home, I have found that my problems have reduced immensely. I feel I'm in a different, better cycle of life. I hope that with the house sale and D finalized that you might enter a calmer cycle, too.

My friend, the one I stayed with in London and who told me H is crying, also worked at Cartier for a while. Small world.

I love your allotment, looked it up, and please post many photos of it as you work on it because I love gardening and will be following your little garden by the sea with great pleasure.

My life is still chaos, a lot also caused by myself, your allotment will allow you to put order in something while having lots of good thinky time. Hope you enjoy your time there today.




 
Married 1989, together since 1984 
BD May 2014,
D23, D20, S13
OW Physical Affair. He and she said she turned 34 the month of BD. She turned 50 last year.

Offline KeepItTogether

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Re: The Good Wolf and the Treasure Chest
« Reply #6 on: April 25, 2018, 05:29:35 AM »
“Tidy up the mess of my own life.”

Here here. I’m with you on that. And many other things you’ve written. I do agree with something Thunder said earlier—try not to make any major decisions within the next year. Give yourself time to heal. Your allotment is just perfect as a focus. Enjoy it!

Following
Me 46
H 45
S11
BD 5/16
H Moved out 6/16
OW--yes. Worked for H. EA turned into PA while I was in chemo.

Online TreasurTopic starter

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Re: The Good Wolf and the Treasure Chest
« Reply #7 on: April 25, 2018, 08:57:52 AM »
Had a good day at the allotment with my uncle. God has now picked up the responsibility for watering just as I planted the last new potato! Lots of digging so I'm sure I will sleep tonight.

And I've bought a second-hand bicycle...pale blue, old-fashioned one called 'Estelle' on the frame. Just need to buy a basket but the nice bike chap will fit it for me for free. Perfect for my allotment jaunts.

Milly's words about mourning a dead spouse vs an MLC one really struck a chord. My uncle lost his wife almost four years ago and then his only brother (my father), and he knew my HaW (H as was) for many years. It helps me to talk with someone else who knows what grief is like. In fact, he said today in one our digging chats, that he realises now just how long it takes to reclaim your own sense of life, but that his wife would be proud that he has got there. He finds XH's behaviour as WTF as I do; he saw a good funny person, a kind nephew and a good husband who adored me (ha ha, so didn't make that up LOL). What's nice is that we can share nice stories of HaW, my father and his wife without feeling judged at all. I think we both carry our loved ones with us and that we don't want to erase them. I'm lucky to have my uncle.
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD)
No kids.
BD Oct 15. OW since Apr 16?
H filed Jan 17. Divorced April 18

Grateful for any appearance of the tiny karma bus  
"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline Kitty

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Re: The Good Wolf and the Treasure Chest
« Reply #8 on: April 25, 2018, 10:09:00 AM »
Attaching Treasur. I'm glad you're able to talk with your uncle to help get through your grief.

I loved working in our garden, I'm going to miss that this summer. Although Grumpy says he is still going to plant this year.
Me 37; H 41
Together 20 years; married 11.5
No kids, no pets
BD #1 Late October 2017 - H says he feels like he is living with a room mate at times (ILYBINILWY) and has considered separation.
BD #2 12/22/17 - Day after legal separation signed, I find out about OW after H said there wasn't one.

"Let the past die. Kill it, if you have to. It's the only way for you to become what you are meant to be." Kylo Ren - Star Wars: The Last Jedi

Online TreasurTopic starter

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Re: The Good Wolf and the Treasure Chest
« Reply #9 on: April 25, 2018, 10:18:58 AM »
Oh my days, Kitty...I don't even want to imagine an MLC gardener  ::)
Shouting at weeds? No sense of growing times? Forgetting what they've planted? Stealing plants from another garden? Digging and then being distracted by a text message from ow? Fake pictures on FB of a 'perfect' plant? Asking ow's advice about slugs because she's an expert? Raging at the LBS that it takes more than 15 minutes? Watering the garden with their tears of self-pity?

 ???
« Last Edit: April 25, 2018, 10:20:43 AM by Treasur »
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD)
No kids.
BD Oct 15. OW since Apr 16?
H filed Jan 17. Divorced April 18

Grateful for any appearance of the tiny karma bus  
"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

 

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