Author Topic: My Story Still Counting Upward - 1 Day, 1 Week, 1 Month at a Time  (Read 842 times)

Online UrsaMajor

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My Story Re: Still Counting Upward - 1 Day, 1 Week, 1 Month at a Time
« Reply #50 on: May 15, 2018, 08:30:47 AM »
Let me see if I read this right....

H likes to gamble....when he wins he feels good about it.  When he looses he doesn't feel good but he will put another $20 in the machine because of the possible "feel good" feeling he will get even if he knows he doesn't have that $20 to loose?   (To put it very simply to me....)

Likewise....he talks to the OW because it feels good for some reason, even though he knows it is wrong.  Then he has to call me....to either:

1.  Alleviate his quilt
or
2.  Check in to see if he is still be accepted by me even though he just did a bad thing?   Almost like a kid that just cussed but mom and dad didn't hear him so he is on "good" behavior for a bit because he knows he should not have cussed?  His conscience is getting the best of him.  He is not admitting to what he did...but he knows it was wrong....is this CD?


Is this the right train of thought?   Psych was one of my worst classes in college....I got a B by the skin of my teeth.  It all made no sense to me.  I was a math major.  Numbers make sense....they can be proven.  Phych...hmmmm...not so much....I really struggle.  I think that is why I struggle reading HS articles....make it read like a newspaper or term paper and I got it.  The more boring the better.  I like straight forward.....not like guilt but not like guilt.   Sorry....You are making my head spin.   LOL   I don't need it from you and H both!  GADS!

Basically... yes...

OK, I had to REALLY LOL now because, here I am as a Rocket Scientist and Math was my absolute WORST subject of all... I barely passed Algebra....
Me - 54
MLC - 47
Together 20 years - Married for 17 at separation
S - 11
D - 7
2 Canines (each of us has one)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold and separated - March 2016
Mid-Lifer is initiating D

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A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
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Offline sampsedTopic starter

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Re: Still Counting Upward - 1 Day, 1 Week, 1 Month at a Time
« Reply #51 on: May 15, 2018, 09:23:48 AM »
If you ever find you need it, I can tutor you!   ;D
https://affaircare.com/the-180/

No matter what....find a positive...no matter how small it is there is always a positive.

BD 10 29 2017  Moved out same day to be with OW (EA become PA approx. 2 mos prior)
BY 1966
H BY 1966
Married 32.5 years
Together 35 years
D - 1989 Married with 2 children, living locally
S -  1991 Professional School living across Country  - Still relies on us for support
3 Dogs - 1 was his baby that he left behind
Standing
No legal action yet
3/5/18 OW moved to another State  H moved in with F  
3/19/18  H moved home and is living in spare room  Reason:  Wasn't happy living with F and had an urge to want to be Home.  OW moved out of State.  They are still communicating.

Offline sampsedTopic starter

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Re: Still Counting Upward - 1 Day, 1 Week, 1 Month at a Time
« Reply #52 on: May 17, 2018, 08:27:09 AM »
Journal:

Came home last night to a big gun case on my table and the guns in it.  Before I had the opportunity to look at it and comment, my H comes out and says "look what I did today".  He made the cut outs for the guns that we need to take to S in June.  He was so excited about what he had done.  Literally giddy with excitement to show me.  All I could think was I am actually dealing with a child. 

Later, he says to me...."did you walk today"....I gave him a really stupid look, I am sure, because he said...well "did you"?   I finally had to say "yes....we walked together at 5 am today.  Oh....I thought that was yesterday.   Wow....this made me want to bawl.  Not because he forgot about when he walked....because he memory issues just seem to be getting worse.

It is really scary....is this just memory malfunction due to depression or is there something physically wrong?  My heart breaks for him.

Will these memory issues get better once he works his way through the depression?

Will it get worse as he goes deeper into the depression?

I have been handling his memory issues very gently....with just nudges and downplaying how bad it is sometimes but last nights just floored me.   

Is this the best way to handle?

Right now, H is trying to do things....being very considerate most all of the time, such as:

1.  Parked in the driveway and let me have the carport last night knowing I was coming home with groceries.
2.  Helped carry in and partially put away the groceries
3.  Offered to help make supper.  When I declined he said "I am gonna go sit down...let me know if you need anything"
4.  Helped me meal prep for todays meals.
5.  Takes care of the yard.
6.  Helps to clean up messes the dogs make....like sweeping up something they chewed apart.
7.  Not helping with any inside work on a regular basis but will help with messes.  I spilled chicken broth on the floor and myself the other day and he cleaned up the floor and mopped while I changed and cleaned up me.
8.  Has 3 projects scheduled for the house....has one of them done....other 2 not yet started.  He keeps talking abut and planning them but it seems to take forever for him to move forward on them.
9.  Still takes time to visit with GS and will hug, kiss and say I love you to him....but no one else.  Not even Daughter.
10.  Is funny with money.  He gives me bill money and all other money he has he is secretive about.  Told me he is gonna pay off the car and for the car port yet he spends that money gambling.
11.  Will ask me to go out for a meal and will pay for it. 
12.  Will walk with me but is not doing it on his own right now.  For a few weeks he was taking the initiative to go to the gym and walk on his own.  He is not currently self motivated.
13.  Still no monster at all.  He is calling me less during the day when he is working but he spends evenings and weekends doing things with me.  When he is working, he spends time calling his partner and the OW. 
14.  He is mimicking my use of the cell phone.  When I let mine in the car...he does the same.  When I let mine laying on the table...he puts his down and talks to me.  When watching TV he will do both play on his phone and put it down during commercials now.
15.  Takes out and brings back the trash cans on garbage and recycling day.
16.  Stopping by the office more often and for slightly longer periods of times.  No longer just stopping in for a few mins and taking off.  Yesterday he stayed almost an hour.  Today...hard to tell.
17.  Is being open about where he is going...not only for work but other errands.  Will ask me if I need anything when he is on his errands.
18.  Is telling me about people he talks to during the day....except for the ow. 
19.  He has scheduled time from 1 to 2 daily when he makes himself available for a call with the OW. 
20.  Takes care of his laundry and cleans up after himself if he makes a mess.
21.  Takes me for MC rides.  Something I didn't enjoy last year but something I am really getting to enjoy this year.

Guess that is all for now.  Just waiting for the other shoe to drop and things to take a turn for the worse.  He can't keep this up I don't think.

So...am I doing anything wrong....should I be doing something different?   I try to distance myself but he keeps me close by.  Not as his wife....not as his friend....as his buddy I would say.  Someone to pal around with so he doesn't have to do it alone.   

I know when I wasn't home the other day when he got home from work...it miffed him.  I would tell he was upset at first...then he let it go.  Not mean...not monstering...just irritated.

Sometimes he acts so much like his Dad that I almost can't stand it.  Dealing with an issue maybe?  Miffed because I wasn't there to make lunch and MIL always was available to make meals for FIL and kids?   Who knows...can't even go there and play that game.

What  I do know is that while running this AM, I realized how happy and how strong I have become.   I am truly loving myself and the life I am creating.  Do I wish it included H...sure do.  Marriage may be on the rocks....but I am still carving out an existence for me and I am pleased with who I am becoming.   I smile more...take more selfies and share with more and more people.

I don't want to loose my H being in my life....I know it is a possibility....but no matter what, I will find a way to stay happy.  I will deal and move on if he decides to move on permanently too.

One thing I did come to grips on is the EA/PA affair with the OW.   I don't like it!  However, as long as he is talking to her....I am hoping that he doesn't move on to find someone else.   Deep in my heart I don't think he ever wanted the EA to become a PA.  It happened and he admitted that he couldn't deal with it.  So, as much as I hate he still carves out time to talk to her daily, I have to accept that it is part of the process until he is ready to put that aspect of the MLC behind him.   

   


https://affaircare.com/the-180/

No matter what....find a positive...no matter how small it is there is always a positive.

BD 10 29 2017  Moved out same day to be with OW (EA become PA approx. 2 mos prior)
BY 1966
H BY 1966
Married 32.5 years
Together 35 years
D - 1989 Married with 2 children, living locally
S -  1991 Professional School living across Country  - Still relies on us for support
3 Dogs - 1 was his baby that he left behind
Standing
No legal action yet
3/5/18 OW moved to another State  H moved in with F  
3/19/18  H moved home and is living in spare room  Reason:  Wasn't happy living with F and had an urge to want to be Home.  OW moved out of State.  They are still communicating.

Online KeepItTogether

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Re: Still Counting Upward - 1 Day, 1 Week, 1 Month at a Time
« Reply #53 on: May 17, 2018, 10:13:33 AM »
I think you are doing really great!

I read somewhere that many (if not most) male MLCers do not really want the PA. But what inevitably happens is they start to pull away and/or the ow just wants more so they take it up a notch. I can actually pinpoint the day my H went PA now bc his whole demeanor changed. He went from angry and entitled to total avoidant and guilt ridden almost overnight.

Keeping that list is great Samps bc it focuses on the positives. And you are doing so much for yourself instead of wallowing in what you don’t have. You really are a model lbs!
Me 46
H 45
S11
BD 5/16
H Moved out 6/16
OW--yes. Worked for H. EA turned into PA while I was in chemo.

Offline sampsedTopic starter

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Re: Still Counting Upward - 1 Day, 1 Week, 1 Month at a Time
« Reply #54 on: May 17, 2018, 11:23:22 AM »
Thanks KIT....getting to a point of happiness helps a lot.   I am to the point where I fret for him more than I do myself.   I can do nothing but support him and I am willing to do that for as long as he will allow me.   I just have to make sure I don't cross the line of doing for him....but I want to be there to support him when he needs support.

I can see the OW "guiding" H into something he may not have been sure about.   I say that because she has a very colorful history in town being with men...married or not.  She has been aggressive in the past seeking out men for her pleasure....sometimes multiplies....gross!   

I don't like this aspect, but I have come to the point where I can deal with it and heal myself.  H will have to figure out how he can heal himself.   I worry that he may never get to that point.  He knows he screwed up.
https://affaircare.com/the-180/

No matter what....find a positive...no matter how small it is there is always a positive.

BD 10 29 2017  Moved out same day to be with OW (EA become PA approx. 2 mos prior)
BY 1966
H BY 1966
Married 32.5 years
Together 35 years
D - 1989 Married with 2 children, living locally
S -  1991 Professional School living across Country  - Still relies on us for support
3 Dogs - 1 was his baby that he left behind
Standing
No legal action yet
3/5/18 OW moved to another State  H moved in with F  
3/19/18  H moved home and is living in spare room  Reason:  Wasn't happy living with F and had an urge to want to be Home.  OW moved out of State.  They are still communicating.

Offline sampsedTopic starter

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Re: Still Counting Upward - 1 Day, 1 Week, 1 Month at a Time
« Reply #55 on: May 17, 2018, 01:23:36 PM »
KIT,   Now that you bring it up....I can closely pin point when H's EA became PA....to about a week.   It was the week of our anniversary and I said something about an awesome 32 years....and being around for more and he made a snarky comment and I laughed it off.  He was never the same after that.  More distant and more miserable.   Prior to BD he was nasty a total of 2 times and both times it was more rude than nasty and I called him out on it and he apologized so I wrote it off as being tired and miserable.  I think it converted about the time of our anniversary.  He basically blew it off this year.  Woke up early that AM and I found him sitting in the Living room and didn't even say Hi.....I think he was avoiding me.   AT BD he told me he started his relationship about 2 mos beforehand....I was thinking EA....but based on what I have been told...the EA started about a month before that....so that time in August would be about right.

Funny thing is.....since moving home...he is no longer tired and miserable like he was prior to BD.   Still has aches and pains from arthritis and gout but less aches and pains than prior to BD.
Has not had to take any pain pills for pain....drinking less (which will also help with aches and pains) and occasionally takes a muscle relaxer for his back issues.   So his aches and pains are better but his memory is much much worse.   He no longer acts tired and miserable.   He is not happy though either.  He is more.....just there.   Difficult for him to smile....when he does...it is totally fake.   Very sad!
https://affaircare.com/the-180/

No matter what....find a positive...no matter how small it is there is always a positive.

BD 10 29 2017  Moved out same day to be with OW (EA become PA approx. 2 mos prior)
BY 1966
H BY 1966
Married 32.5 years
Together 35 years
D - 1989 Married with 2 children, living locally
S -  1991 Professional School living across Country  - Still relies on us for support
3 Dogs - 1 was his baby that he left behind
Standing
No legal action yet
3/5/18 OW moved to another State  H moved in with F  
3/19/18  H moved home and is living in spare room  Reason:  Wasn't happy living with F and had an urge to want to be Home.  OW moved out of State.  They are still communicating.

Offline sampsedTopic starter

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Re: Still Counting Upward - 1 Day, 1 Week, 1 Month at a Time
« Reply #56 on: May 18, 2018, 07:59:13 AM »
Journal - I read an article last by HB that said the MLCer wants to be a "good" guy.  Make me think....is that why H is being so nice.  Trying to do things around the house and being considerate and helpful?   Is he genuine or putting on an act to be the good guy.   Hmmmm.  Never know I guess.  Should it matter....nope.  I am appreciating the things he is doing knowing full well that it can end without notice at anytime.

So...once again this am....H calls me.  I check the phone logs and right before calling me he was talking to OW.   Also a very brief convo afterwards....like 2 mins.   If he is trying to live in 2 different worlds and keep them separate...how can he talk to her and then hang up and talk to me.   When he called today he had his sad voice.  This could either be due to him being tired since he got up at 2 am to go to work or he could be in one of his down moods.  I only hope when he is in a down mode he is using the time to fix something within him.

So....I took a plunge yesterday and started up another business.  This is a work from home business even though I am never home.   Guess you can say it is more of a work from my phone business.  Like I really need another business but I certainly like the challenge of succeeding when I start something new.  Especially since we made the decision to give up the rental business.  Once that is gone I will need something else to help fill that time.  I just can't sit around.  This will be something new to keep me busy with.   Did I consult H.   Nope sure didn't.   Why....1.  He is really not my H right now  2.  He would have tried to talk me out of it   3.   I don't really care what he thinks...I am doing this for me.   I am ok with this.   Honestly I didn't even think about talking to him about it until after I had make the decision and also took the plunge.  I have no regrets!  Kudos to me   Ha Ha
https://affaircare.com/the-180/

No matter what....find a positive...no matter how small it is there is always a positive.

BD 10 29 2017  Moved out same day to be with OW (EA become PA approx. 2 mos prior)
BY 1966
H BY 1966
Married 32.5 years
Together 35 years
D - 1989 Married with 2 children, living locally
S -  1991 Professional School living across Country  - Still relies on us for support
3 Dogs - 1 was his baby that he left behind
Standing
No legal action yet
3/5/18 OW moved to another State  H moved in with F  
3/19/18  H moved home and is living in spare room  Reason:  Wasn't happy living with F and had an urge to want to be Home.  OW moved out of State.  They are still communicating.

Offline Kitty

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Re: Still Counting Upward - 1 Day, 1 Week, 1 Month at a Time
« Reply #57 on: May 18, 2018, 08:38:00 AM »
Nice! Good luck with your new business venture. ;D
Me 37; H 41
Together 20 years; married 11.5
No kids, no pets
BD #1 Late October 2017 - H says he feels like he is living with a room mate at times (ILYBINILWY) and has considered separation.
BD #2 12/22/17 - Day after legal separation signed, I find out about OW after H said there wasn't one.

"Let the past die. Kill it, if you have to. It's the only way for you to become what you are meant to be." Kylo Ren - Star Wars: The Last Jedi

Offline FearNot

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Re: Still Counting Upward - 1 Day, 1 Week, 1 Month at a Time
« Reply #58 on: May 18, 2018, 11:42:03 AM »
Good for you Samsed! Wishing you great success on your new business adventure  ;D
M 46
H 39
No Kids
Married 5yrs, Together 11yrs
BD Oct 31/17
ILYBINILWY Dec 21/17
2nd BD- Dec 27/17
OW-Confirmed Jan 3/17

 Isaiah 43:1 " But the Lord says.. Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have summoned you by name; you are mine. "

"It's ok to be scared. Being scared means you're about to do something really, really brave." Anonymous

Offline seahorse

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Re: Still Counting Upward - 1 Day, 1 Week, 1 Month at a Time
« Reply #59 on: May 19, 2018, 05:39:32 AM »
Sam:  I agree about H wanting to be the “good guy”.  Some MLCers are like that, IMO.  Mine is as well.  Always wanting to text me good morning, going to MC eventhough not wanting to work on our M, etc. 
Take it for what it is, and appreciate what they’ve done.  I think they look for us to appreciate those things as paving the way for a better marriage (not consciously, though). 

Sounds like you’re doing great, overall!  Can’t wait to hear about your business.
Seahorses have one mate for life...

 

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