Author Topic: My Story H is moving forward with OW,But there is unfinished business with me 2  (Read 1416 times)

Offline waiting4Topic starter

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  New thread .... new month ... MLC continues...


Previous thread:  http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9926.0
« Last Edit: May 01, 2018, 06:30:58 AM by Thunder »
Me-55
H - 55
Adult D- 35 ( our only child)
Married 37 yrs. married 33 yrs at time of BD
date of BD July 2015
OW- YES, 36 yr old Peruvian with a 67yr old son
H- moved out of our home in Oct 2015 & moved in with OW
H- says doesnt want divorce, wants long term separation. doesnt know what the future holds.
 H- Jan. 2017 he visits a fertility clinic.
 H - stopped seeing me in 2017.except for 3 emergency situations
 H- has introduced OW to his family and visits them often with OW.
 H- has introduced OW to a few of our friends.
 H- told me that OW does want him to divorce me and they have talked about getting married.
 Entering 2018. H has not filed for divorce.
He is still living with OW
 H & OW moved into a huge single family home in May 2018
 If you're going through Hell, keep going

Offline waiting4Topic starter

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Thunder can you attach my old thread please.. :)

Done.
Welcome to your new thread, waiting.   :)
Thunder
« Last Edit: May 01, 2018, 06:31:58 AM by Thunder »
Me-55
H - 55
Adult D- 35 ( our only child)
Married 37 yrs. married 33 yrs at time of BD
date of BD July 2015
OW- YES, 36 yr old Peruvian with a 67yr old son
H- moved out of our home in Oct 2015 & moved in with OW
H- says doesnt want divorce, wants long term separation. doesnt know what the future holds.
 H- Jan. 2017 he visits a fertility clinic.
 H - stopped seeing me in 2017.except for 3 emergency situations
 H- has introduced OW to his family and visits them often with OW.
 H- has introduced OW to a few of our friends.
 H- told me that OW does want him to divorce me and they have talked about getting married.
 Entering 2018. H has not filed for divorce.
He is still living with OW
 H & OW moved into a huge single family home in May 2018
 If you're going through Hell, keep going

Offline xyzcf

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Welcome to your new thread waiting. On your last thread you wrote:

Quote
He IS BAITING ME  this morning.

It sure seems like that. He may not have "liked" your one word response to him and your lack of interest as to what this certified letter could be.

Let him stew.
"Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see" Hebrews 11:1

"You enrich my life and are a source of joy and consolation to me. But if I lose you, I will not, I must not spend the rest of my life in unhappiness."

" The truth does not change according to our ability to stomach it". Flannery O'Connor

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Offline heroIam

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Attaching, waiting.
Hope you are feeling better today.
“In the end, you’ve got to be your own hero because everyone’s busy trying to save themselves.”

Offline FearNot

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Attaching!
M 46
H 39
No Kids
Married 5yrs, Together 11yrs
BD Oct 31/17
ILYBINILWY Dec 21/17
2nd BD- Dec 27/17
OW-Confirmed Jan 3/17

 Isaiah 43:1 " But the Lord says.. Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have summoned you by name; you are mine. "

"It's ok to be scared. Being scared means you're about to do something really, really brave." Anonymous

Online Rippedapart

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Hi waiting 
I am heading into my fifth year of MLC H. 

I have been where you are re: jeckyll and hyde.

I was you......always polite, obliging etc.,

I have had a quiet time since last September...my H was doing his utmost to have me help him sort his pension.  I eventually had to be very blunt and say no...u need to sort it yourself.  MONSTER appeared, I ignored, he is baiting you waiting, only respond to the part you know to be true.  My H is now almost N/C since January this year, I am slow at learning lol and I refused to let him stay here for a  couple of days as he has ow2 which he is in denial about.  He was not happy but for the first time in 5 years I honestly believe he heard me, he respected me and stayed away, I am vetting the hang of boundaries....better late than never.  I am not pursuing, by them asking us questing and us responding i do believe they see us as persuing even thought they made contact first.  My new logo is ...Less is best.  Hang in there it will get better.

🙃

Offline Kanvan

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Following waiting and keeping you in my prayers.
Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen. Hebrews 11:1

You'll search for me inside of everyone you're with and I won't be found." R.H. Sin.

M-48
H-46
S27,S21, S16
Married 12/10/1994
Divorced 4/10/2018
23 years of marriage
BD- June 22, 2017 Moved in with OW-June 24th, 2017
Standing although divorced

Offline waiting4Topic starter

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Thank you to everyone that is following along, your support means the world to me..

So H sent a text this morning in regards to our cabin  ??? I have  2 thoughts about it because there is really no reason for him to contact me.. we have a website for our cabin and we see the same things  ::)

1. he is baiting me: i am doing my best to back off and get on with things . He brought up divorce last month and i have not mentioned it or asked him about it at all.. so he could be trying to get a fight started to justify him bringing up divorce again..
      I am controlling myself in this now and I'm not giving him any more rope to hang me with.

2. He is initiating contact with me now and simply testing the waters..probably has no plans to change anything just keeping the lines of communication open..baby steps to see if we can have just a normal conversation..
      This could be a good thing as long as i can control my emotions.and just let things happen naturally.. he stopped initiating contact at all in the fall 2017..

I will respond to his direct questions.. bascially mirror him.. I will not respond immediately..He is now offically at the 3 year mark with OW..

I realize there is no sense of urgency in this.. its his crisis , his mess ...I feel  most of what he does is to get a reaction out me and stupidly i fall into the trap.. Im a reactive person and he knows this..he can poke at me all he wants and if i take the bait there is no one to blame but me.. i am responsible for how i react/respond to anything that happens in my life

His text to me today..

H- (pet name) did you see the message abouth the cabin
H- Also, why is the rest of May then all the months after blocked out. I thought we talked about that.

I replied a few hours later

M-I just saw the message about the cabin.
M- I believe each month has 2-3 weekday/weekends avaliable. I am there the week of mothers Day. The end of the month is blocked for maintance . D is staying for 2 weeks in June with grandchildren.

H- Ok ( pet name)

So two days in a row of contact for really no reason as far as i can see.. He has made no other mention of Divorce and is now back to calling me by my pet name..everything from him has been strictly business..


Truly no expectations on my part .. its just another MLC cycle.. where he is in this crap i have no idea.. where he is with OW  I have no idea.

I am still married.. I am still in my home.. My bills are paid..I am healthy.. I have family and friends..

I hope all i share during this crazy ride is of some benefit to newbies.. Standing is not for the faint of heart..


Me-55
H - 55
Adult D- 35 ( our only child)
Married 37 yrs. married 33 yrs at time of BD
date of BD July 2015
OW- YES, 36 yr old Peruvian with a 67yr old son
H- moved out of our home in Oct 2015 & moved in with OW
H- says doesnt want divorce, wants long term separation. doesnt know what the future holds.
 H- Jan. 2017 he visits a fertility clinic.
 H - stopped seeing me in 2017.except for 3 emergency situations
 H- has introduced OW to his family and visits them often with OW.
 H- has introduced OW to a few of our friends.
 H- told me that OW does want him to divorce me and they have talked about getting married.
 Entering 2018. H has not filed for divorce.
He is still living with OW
 H & OW moved into a huge single family home in May 2018
 If you're going through Hell, keep going

Online Treasur

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Waiting, you have picked yourself back up really well and should feel proud of looking after your needs and emotions so well.

What else is going on in your life that feels positive too?
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD)
No kids.
BD Oct 15. OW since Apr 16?
H filed Jan 17. Divorced April 18

Grateful for any appearance of the tiny karma bus  
"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline waiting4Topic starter

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Waiting, you have picked yourself back up really well and should feel proud of looking after your needs and emotions so well.

What else is going on in your life that feels positive too?

Thank you Treasur.. I'm doing ok.. I think the best any of us can do is take things one day at a time.

I have some travel planned .. family trips,  8) my nephews graduation  :)I am busy volunteering  at a local animal shelter  :D I have volunteered to help at vacation bible school  :D The weather is improving so I'm getting out in my garden now  8) my daughter is home for 2 weeks, its nice to have her here to baby  ;D
Me-55
H - 55
Adult D- 35 ( our only child)
Married 37 yrs. married 33 yrs at time of BD
date of BD July 2015
OW- YES, 36 yr old Peruvian with a 67yr old son
H- moved out of our home in Oct 2015 & moved in with OW
H- says doesnt want divorce, wants long term separation. doesnt know what the future holds.
 H- Jan. 2017 he visits a fertility clinic.
 H - stopped seeing me in 2017.except for 3 emergency situations
 H- has introduced OW to his family and visits them often with OW.
 H- has introduced OW to a few of our friends.
 H- told me that OW does want him to divorce me and they have talked about getting married.
 Entering 2018. H has not filed for divorce.
He is still living with OW
 H & OW moved into a huge single family home in May 2018
 If you're going through Hell, keep going

Offline Rosetintedglasses

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Welcome to your new thread Waiting. Onwards and upwards

Rose 🌹
Married 15+ years with 2 children
BD1 - Oct 2016
BD2 - May 2017
ILYBINILWY - June 2017
PA with MOW Mar 2016-Jan 2017
EA with same MOW Jan 2017 until ?
Left home Oct 2017 to stay with his parents

Offline KeepItTogether

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Hi Waiting. Your Mlcer is exhausting! I agree he was definitely baiting you and you did just perfect! Less is definitely more with these weirdos. But implementing that is (and always has been) a huge struggle for me.

Love that you are spending time with your D and the baby. Enjoy your time with them.
Me 46
H 45
S11
BD 5/16
H Moved out 6/16
OW--yes. Worked for H. EA turned into PA while I was in chemo.

Offline waiting4Topic starter

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  A friend has said to me several times recently.. Waiting , you have to own and take responsibility for your decision ...
 Another friend has said..  Waiting, you have to be all in.. you cant sit on the fence with this..take it by the throat and own it.. stand firm in what you believe and don't back down, stop crying and fretting.. own your truth and stand in it..

 I have gone to my knees this morning and thanked God for what has happened in my life.. I needed a wake up call and I got it right between the eyes..This entire ordeal has been the most painful thing I have ever endured..This is a journey I have fought since day one, but as I sit here now I realize that I have changed in so many good ways because of it..I am becoming a better person..

In my husbands rejection of me it has allowed me to feel things i would never have otherwise felt or understood.. It has changed me in how i treat everyone around me..

I am firm in my decision to stand for my marriage ..

 Ephesians 6: 11-18

 Put on the whole armour of God, That ye may be able to stand against the wiles of the devil

For we wrestle not against flesh and blood , but against principalities, against power, against the rulers of the darkness of this world, against spiritual wickedness in high places

Wherefore take unto you the whole armour of God , That ye may be able to withstand in the evil day, and having done all , to stand

Stand therefore, having your loins girt about with truth, and having on the breastplate of righteousness;

And your feet shod with the preparation of the gospel of peace;

Above all , taking the shield of faith, wherewith ye shall be able to quench all the fiery darts of the wicked

And take the helmet of salvation, and the sword of the spirit, which is the word of God:

Praying always with all prayer and supplication in the spirit, and watching thereunto  with all perseverance and supplication for the saints.


I pray for all of us today.. I pray for our spouses , I pray for our children..
Me-55
H - 55
Adult D- 35 ( our only child)
Married 37 yrs. married 33 yrs at time of BD
date of BD July 2015
OW- YES, 36 yr old Peruvian with a 67yr old son
H- moved out of our home in Oct 2015 & moved in with OW
H- says doesnt want divorce, wants long term separation. doesnt know what the future holds.
 H- Jan. 2017 he visits a fertility clinic.
 H - stopped seeing me in 2017.except for 3 emergency situations
 H- has introduced OW to his family and visits them often with OW.
 H- has introduced OW to a few of our friends.
 H- told me that OW does want him to divorce me and they have talked about getting married.
 Entering 2018. H has not filed for divorce.
He is still living with OW
 H & OW moved into a huge single family home in May 2018
 If you're going through Hell, keep going

Offline waiting4Topic starter

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  UNBELIEVEABLE !!! 

 As I was writing the previous post , I had not checked my phone all morning.. I just looked at my messages,,


                                                 I GOT THE JOB !!!!!!
Me-55
H - 55
Adult D- 35 ( our only child)
Married 37 yrs. married 33 yrs at time of BD
date of BD July 2015
OW- YES, 36 yr old Peruvian with a 67yr old son
H- moved out of our home in Oct 2015 & moved in with OW
H- says doesnt want divorce, wants long term separation. doesnt know what the future holds.
 H- Jan. 2017 he visits a fertility clinic.
 H - stopped seeing me in 2017.except for 3 emergency situations
 H- has introduced OW to his family and visits them often with OW.
 H- has introduced OW to a few of our friends.
 H- told me that OW does want him to divorce me and they have talked about getting married.
 Entering 2018. H has not filed for divorce.
He is still living with OW
 H & OW moved into a huge single family home in May 2018
 If you're going through Hell, keep going

Offline heroIam

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Wooooohooooo Waiting!
Congrats on the job.  :D

“In the end, you’ve got to be your own hero because everyone’s busy trying to save themselves.”

Offline xyzcf

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That is awesome news!!!!!! Something to celebrate for sure!

I understand what you are saying.  One thing I remind myself of, is that I did not stop loving my husband because he stopped loving me (or actually, because he is in a crisis)....no, perhaps the "type" of love I have for him is different, but he is still my husband and I have learned just what unconditional love can be...the way Our Father loves us.

Recently, a friend referred to my husband as my ex...this friend has done so before and I have corrected him before..he is my husband and I continue to refer to him as such even though I am looked at either with pity of that I have 2 heads.

Yesterday I read 2 things that were answers to questions I was having about whether I should be contacting my husband more. On Rejoice Ministries, Bob explained how he could see the changes in Charlyene...she did not have to tell him about them. She looked inside and did the work that she had to do to become a better person....never being unkind to her husband but not running after him either. She left him in God's hands.

Then I read this concerning Mary who became pregnant and Joseph who was going to quietly "put her away".

"Mary's hope was absolute, completely confident in God's help...In silence and in hope shall your strength be(Is 30,15)
She remained silent, and did not try to justify herself in Joseph's eyes; she was silent because she was filled with hope in God and absolute certainty of His help. Silence and hope permitted her to rely entirely upon God; strong with His strength, she remained serene and tranquil in an extremely difficult and delicate situation." from Divine Intimacy by Father Gabriel of St. Mary Magdalen, O.C.D

I did not have this strong faith before BD.....I had never suffered anything in my life...and yes, this has taught me many many lessons even in spite of the pain as I continue in my own personal journey.

Thanks for your prayers. I too pray for all of us.
"Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see" Hebrews 11:1

"You enrich my life and are a source of joy and consolation to me. But if I lose you, I will not, I must not spend the rest of my life in unhappiness."

" The truth does not change according to our ability to stomach it". Flannery O'Connor

http://www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com/site-map.html
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Survival Instructions for Newbies
The Mentor Program
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Offline Bailmor

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Awesome news about the job situation!  On to bigger and better things, for sure!
If you are feeling down, know that God Has always had a wonderful plans for you.  Unfortunately, there are things that happen and forces that work to try and keep us from reaching what He has for us.  The good news is that there is healing at work.  God is always working in and through your life to try to get you to where He wants you.

Online Treasur

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That's fantastic news, waiting - well done  ;D
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD)
No kids.
BD Oct 15. OW since Apr 16?
H filed Jan 17. Divorced April 18

Grateful for any appearance of the tiny karma bus  
"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline Mitzpah

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Waiting,

Following along... Congratulations on the job!!!

I like the plans you have, we get to the point where we need to do and plan things ourselves. Our spouses are on their own journey and all we can do is pray for them, being consistent in our stand.

I miss my h. every single day, yet I continue living, working, planning and doing what needs to be done. I am praying about taking on more responsibilities at church - something I haven't done for a long time.
M 56
H 56
S 26
S 24
D 23
BD 13 Dec 2010
Divorced 27 Feb 2015 (30 years marriage)

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future" Jeremiah 29:11

Offline FearNot

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Awesome news! Congratulations Waiting!!

I can totally relate to getting a wake up call, becoming a better person, and treating people better.  I was raised with a faith but never relied on it until BD. I have experienced so many wonderful things,had prayers answered in so many ways, and so grateful for the work  and answers that God has provided in my life!

I have a prayer that is a variation of Ephesians 6:11-18 that is adapted to include my HS friends, my family, myself, H, and work place mates. It is taped to the side of my night stand and every morning when I wake up and turn off my alarm, that is the first thing I do, is pray that prayer. I also pray the hedge of protection for my H. I feel like it's the best way to start my day  :).


xyzcf- I just listened to a podcast about Mary and Joseph and how he was going to " put her away". It was so interesting and enlightening! There is so  much hope just in that story alone for standers  :).

M 46
H 39
No Kids
Married 5yrs, Together 11yrs
BD Oct 31/17
ILYBINILWY Dec 21/17
2nd BD- Dec 27/17
OW-Confirmed Jan 3/17

 Isaiah 43:1 " But the Lord says.. Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have summoned you by name; you are mine. "

"It's ok to be scared. Being scared means you're about to do something really, really brave." Anonymous

Offline Thunder

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I just saw this waiting...CONGRATULATIONS!!!   ;D

I'm so happy for you.   :)
With her permission, a quote from a recovered MLCer: 
From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did.

Offline KeepItTogether

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Well then. Guess you just proved that prayer works! Congrats
Me 46
H 45
S11
BD 5/16
H Moved out 6/16
OW--yes. Worked for H. EA turned into PA while I was in chemo.

Offline waiting4Topic starter

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                                                        MAY

   It is turning out to be a very busy month..Lots of travel this month, starting a new job..getting more involved in church activities , spending more time with girlfriends...

 I'm moving forward with things that are good for me.. and I'm starting to sleep through the night. at times I feel my confidence coming back, Its a slow process but I think I will get there .

On the H front.. I had to contact him on a matter with the HOA... no change with him.. His view of me is still very negative, he continues to curse me and make reference to me acting like I'm his mother or that I act like I own him.. He now tells me he cant stand me..HMMMM, that comes across to me as very teenage type comments .. very rebellious...

He also continues to make comments about him working .. " I HAVE A JOB" ... "I HAVE TO WORK WHILE YOU DO NOTHING " " OW AND I BOTH WORK" ...I cant figure out why he feels he needs to say these things to me..

He continues to NOT ask about my life, ( what im doing , how i am, if i need help with anyhting )

I have made a point now of not putting up with his profanity.. when he starts i tell him using profanity is not neccessary, and that i do not appreciate being spoken to like that.. he will stop but immediantly trys to justify it.. i simply say " im sorry you feel that way "

Something interesting .. at one point when i said something he didnt like he threatened to block me.. I said  " go ahead , you dont contact me anyway unless you need something" he seemed to back down some..  when he used profanity with me i told him i was not going to put up with him speaking with me that way and if it continued i would block him.. He backed down and stopped cursing ..

I have noticed that when things escalate , if i change the subject and thank him for something he did he calms down .. so anything negative in any way shape or form brings monster out..but praisng him and stroking his ego calms the beast..which leads me to wonder,,, is OW subservient ? does she just walk stroking his ego? and if she is .. how on earth would a MLCer ever come down from that kind of high ? and  how can anyone continually praise someone ? maybe its just me.. but thats not natural in my opinion..

Hope everyone has a good Monday.. praying for us all...XXX



« Last Edit: May 07, 2018, 06:45:35 AM by waiting4 »
Me-55
H - 55
Adult D- 35 ( our only child)
Married 37 yrs. married 33 yrs at time of BD
date of BD July 2015
OW- YES, 36 yr old Peruvian with a 67yr old son
H- moved out of our home in Oct 2015 & moved in with OW
H- says doesnt want divorce, wants long term separation. doesnt know what the future holds.
 H- Jan. 2017 he visits a fertility clinic.
 H - stopped seeing me in 2017.except for 3 emergency situations
 H- has introduced OW to his family and visits them often with OW.
 H- has introduced OW to a few of our friends.
 H- told me that OW does want him to divorce me and they have talked about getting married.
 Entering 2018. H has not filed for divorce.
He is still living with OW
 H & OW moved into a huge single family home in May 2018
 If you're going through Hell, keep going

Online Milly

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Good point Waiting. I wonder. We hear from others who hear snippets from schmoopie land that the OW is often  a screamer and a dictator. But maybe she ultra strokes his ego the rest of the time? Or maybe it's a combo of the stroking and reppresenting something totally new without the responsibility that we represent?

Teenagers hang out with the bad crowd and are rude to their parents when they feel bad about themselves and want to push life to the limit.

I hate it when our MLCers are so rude to us. Sorry to hear this.
Married 1989, together since 1984 
BD May 2014,
D23, D20, S13
OW Physical Affair. He and she said she turned 34 the month of BD. She turned 50 last year.

Offline Kanvan

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waiting4, as the old saying goes "All good things must come to an end". If OW is stroking his ego all the time at some point it will come to an end. Rest assured that relationship is not all sunshine and rainbows as they would like for everyone to believe. The devil never presents anything in its ugliness in the beginning or we would reject it immediately, instead he presents it as everything you think you wanted. Hang in there, you are doing good. I have heard by my H and others that his relationship is not what it is cracked up to be but in the beginning they could not take enough pics of each other and post them on Facebook and talk about how great the relationship was, now things are not that way at all. Hang in there, you are doing good.
Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen. Hebrews 11:1

You'll search for me inside of everyone you're with and I won't be found." R.H. Sin.

M-48
H-46
S27,S21, S16
Married 12/10/1994
Divorced 4/10/2018
23 years of marriage
BD- June 22, 2017 Moved in with OW-June 24th, 2017
Standing although divorced

Offline sachat3

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Following along

Your doing great.

Offline Thunder

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waiting, what is a HOA?
With her permission, a quote from a recovered MLCer: 
From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did.

Offline UrsaMajor

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Good point Waiting. I wonder. We hear from others who hear snippets from schmoopie land that the OW is often  a screamer and a dictator. But maybe she ultra strokes his ego the rest of the time?

Well, she's probably stroking something the rest of the time...  ::)  But that too will come to an end and it won't be a happy one..

Yep, I'm goin' to Hades....

@Thunder - HOA is normally Home Owners Association... a bigger pack of ASOCIAL people you probably won't find than the people who run those things... Have you ever seen "Over the Hedge" (the movie?)
Me - 54
MLC - 47
Together 20 years - Married for 17 at separation
S - 11
D - 7
2 Canines (each of us has one)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold and separated - March 2016
Mid-Lifer is initiating D

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A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
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Offline Thunder

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No, I haven't but thank you for the explanation.   :)
With her permission, a quote from a recovered MLCer: 
From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did.

Offline heroIam

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Hi waiting.

Remaining calm and letting him know what you will/will not accept is a good way to handle his monstering.
And, simply, you just don't deserve to be spoken to in that way. 
Who cares if OW is subservient.  If she is, she has bigger problems than we think!  lol  :o
Good for you......
“In the end, you’ve got to be your own hero because everyone’s busy trying to save themselves.”

Offline waiting4Topic starter

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  URSAMAJOR.. you made me laugh..xx

  My neighborhood is truly the movie.. THE BURBS.... LOL
Me-55
H - 55
Adult D- 35 ( our only child)
Married 37 yrs. married 33 yrs at time of BD
date of BD July 2015
OW- YES, 36 yr old Peruvian with a 67yr old son
H- moved out of our home in Oct 2015 & moved in with OW
H- says doesnt want divorce, wants long term separation. doesnt know what the future holds.
 H- Jan. 2017 he visits a fertility clinic.
 H - stopped seeing me in 2017.except for 3 emergency situations
 H- has introduced OW to his family and visits them often with OW.
 H- has introduced OW to a few of our friends.
 H- told me that OW does want him to divorce me and they have talked about getting married.
 Entering 2018. H has not filed for divorce.
He is still living with OW
 H & OW moved into a huge single family home in May 2018
 If you're going through Hell, keep going

Offline KeepItTogether

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Lmao Ursa! I spit my coffee out on that one (bc I was thinking the same thing!)

It’s a roller coaster Waiting. They are subservient to an extent—but it’s all manipulation. To get what they want. You know, the prize that is the Mlcer. Lol. I recently heard that OWs sister and mother (and her) are known for treating their men very badly. Didn’t surprise me. They kiss their a$$ until they get what they want. Think they now own their “prize.” And then the mask slips. If Mlcer fights back, they go back to sunshine and rainbows. Eventually the truth comes out. It always does. But Mlcer has to be in the place to truly see it too. And once they do, I believe they start looking at the past relationship with OW and start putting the pieces together. And it isn’t pretty.

Sounds like you’ve got a great month ahead. Enjoy it. You are starting to detach. And I’m fairly certain someone won’t like that at all. 😁
Me 46
H 45
S11
BD 5/16
H Moved out 6/16
OW--yes. Worked for H. EA turned into PA while I was in chemo.

Offline waiting4Topic starter

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   Milly... I think I am for sure in the "worst" of this journey.. my H never spoke to me as he does now.. I have worked so hard during our marriage.. even having people in the past make comments about how hard I worked.. every time he makes reference to "working"  even through text or email I can hear the venom and sarcasm.. he has so much anger in him..

KIT... Yea, OW is stroking alright..LOL    but more like " say hello to my little friend" lol   


I did have an interesting encounter over the weekend.. I will post about it on the "OW" thread 
Me-55
H - 55
Adult D- 35 ( our only child)
Married 37 yrs. married 33 yrs at time of BD
date of BD July 2015
OW- YES, 36 yr old Peruvian with a 67yr old son
H- moved out of our home in Oct 2015 & moved in with OW
H- says doesnt want divorce, wants long term separation. doesnt know what the future holds.
 H- Jan. 2017 he visits a fertility clinic.
 H - stopped seeing me in 2017.except for 3 emergency situations
 H- has introduced OW to his family and visits them often with OW.
 H- has introduced OW to a few of our friends.
 H- told me that OW does want him to divorce me and they have talked about getting married.
 Entering 2018. H has not filed for divorce.
He is still living with OW
 H & OW moved into a huge single family home in May 2018
 If you're going through Hell, keep going

Online Milly

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Waiting, they do warn us, it will get worse.  I can't believe how evil my H got this past 15 months. I do believe it's normal MLC behaviour, what ever we choose to do with it. I don't honestly think that any human feels that way about someone they spent a major part of their life with.

And don't worry about his comments about you not working, they are crap, but he knows they get to you and that's why he uses them. Identical with my H. I bet you kept working harder to show him how much you wanted to help out. What did he do in return? Make fun of you, put you down. This is just regular nasty MLCer behaviour. Mine was the same. I won't allow him to insinuate I didn't work, or don't work any more.

I felt so bad when he would say this to me, now he better not. I know (every one around me knows, but that matters less) how hard I worked, and still do. I KNOW. You KNOW. He cannot change reality. This is something you might want to work on still. Or maybe it will just happen with time. You work hard, don't even give it a second's thought. He's a bully and picking on a touchy spot in you. He wouldn't get to you if you work on your touchy spot. I don't know why it gets to you, can it be a FOO issue of your own? For me, it was.

And the 'stroking' thing, is making rude thoughts in my mind. Probably all UM's fault, though!
Married 1989, together since 1984 
BD May 2014,
D23, D20, S13
OW Physical Affair. He and she said she turned 34 the month of BD. She turned 50 last year.

Offline Keep believing

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Waiting. My h said ALL of what yours said. It amazes me how even the words in mlc are the same. Actions i understand but the words, thats crazy.

Offline waiting4Topic starter

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   The latest comment from my H...


   " no one has turned me against you. I cant stand you coming at me and acting like my mother. And you say you can put the past behind you but you keep bringing up everything over and over again . you keep talking about OW.."


my response to him  " I hear you"


Now what is my true response?  WTF!?!?!.. I have no idea why he just laid that comment out there..  But in all honesty .. I can put the past behind me.. I can go forward in our marriage and rebuild something better than we had .. BUT OW ISNT IN THE PAST !!  she is a current on going situation...

I know that detaching is helping me..I am doing so well in working on myself ...but I have to admit he says things that make no sense to me...


Me-55
H - 55
Adult D- 35 ( our only child)
Married 37 yrs. married 33 yrs at time of BD
date of BD July 2015
OW- YES, 36 yr old Peruvian with a 67yr old son
H- moved out of our home in Oct 2015 & moved in with OW
H- says doesnt want divorce, wants long term separation. doesnt know what the future holds.
 H- Jan. 2017 he visits a fertility clinic.
 H - stopped seeing me in 2017.except for 3 emergency situations
 H- has introduced OW to his family and visits them often with OW.
 H- has introduced OW to a few of our friends.
 H- told me that OW does want him to divorce me and they have talked about getting married.
 Entering 2018. H has not filed for divorce.
He is still living with OW
 H & OW moved into a huge single family home in May 2018
 If you're going through Hell, keep going

Offline KeepItTogether

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So he just said that to you totally unsolicited? Oh boy—crazy train is pulling in! Your response my dear was pure gold. That is what I aim for. I am shooting about a 50% average on that now. Lol

My new motto—Look away from the MLCer.  You got this.
Me 46
H 45
S11
BD 5/16
H Moved out 6/16
OW--yes. Worked for H. EA turned into PA while I was in chemo.

Offline heroIam

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my response to him  " I hear you"


This was perfect, waiting!
“In the end, you’ve got to be your own hero because everyone’s busy trying to save themselves.”

Offline waiting4Topic starter

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 I need some serious advice!!! H has blown my phone up all morning and I am about to pull my hair out...

He is clearly coming at me and so far I have held my own in regards to staying calm .. and keeping my replies in check...
 
He sends me a text this morning...

H-Pet name,can you please open up more rental dates. two weekends a month is not enough. and open up more days during the week.

M- i hear you
H- thank you
H- I would like to know when you and D are using the cabin. i have been renting hotels since i never know
M- D or I are at the cabin each week, thats why dates are blocked during the week
H-OK
M- you are more than welcome to stay at the cabin while we are there. neither of us have an issue with seeing you.
H-pet name, you know that isnt going to happen so you are essentially blocking my ability to go there at all.
H- its fine, i expected this
H- not going to F ing argue
H- you are just trying to make sure i dont use the G-- D--- cabin
M- you stopped coming to the cabin so i have to be there to get things done
H- F ing lie
M-not a lie, you stopped going to the cabin last year, and even a few months ago you told me that if i didnt rent it more often that it jist needed to be sold, that you had no use for the place .
H-I stopped going because i didnt know when you are there
H nothing more to say to you ( my christain name)
M- it was always available to you during the week. you were staying there on Tue/Wed. and for some reason you just stopped
H- done talking about it.. open up more days and let me know when you are there, nothing more to say
M-well, if the dates are blocked then I'm there
H-you are F ing difficult
M- I'm  sorry you feel that way
M-I am maintaining the cabin. its hard work.. cutting the grass, dealing with down tress, exterior issues with the cabin and the barn etc.. I am not complaining.. I'm simply working
H-you are not cooperative
H- I typically need it Tue/wed. but I travel other places so I need flexability. you just want to block me so I cant use it
M- I sorry you feel that way
M- I will keep Tues/wed open for you
H- I have asked you several times and you refuse to cooperate
M- I am at the cabin to get things done.. you stopped staying there
H- you are so afraid that I am going to take OW there that you go out of your way to block me. you have made it impossible for me to go there
M- I'm sorry you feel that way
H-I have other travels and my schedule does change so I don't need it every week, but I need flexability
M- I am there every week.. if I'm not there D and SIL are there.. we have 5 acres that need to be maintained, a cabin, a barn, a saw mill..
H- that tells me nothing , other than I can not use the place.
M- is your company giving you a hard time about expenses
H- NO I control the budget, sometimes I need to rent a hotel due to events in the area but I just need the flexibility.
M- well. I'm at the cabin working, maintain it.. I have to keep a schedule just to keep up with the amount of work that needs to be done there. its a 2 hour drive each way to get there.. so when I'm there I stay as long as I can .
H- UGH G-- D--- ( pet name ) just drop it. you just don't want to cooperate  and you want to hide behind the fact that you need to be there in order to block me. just F ing  drop it. do not say one more word about the cabin
H- I have meetings all day and I'm not going to text all day
M- I'm having a great day, I hope your day improves
H-Very cute, you know you are being difficult
M- I'm sorry you feel that way
H- I see you as not cooperating. I appreciate you doing work at the cabin

So , am I crazy?  am I being difficult?

none of this makes ant sense.. we rent our cabin , after guests leave , the cabin has to be cleaned ( so I have to be  there to do that... its 5 acres  that must be cut weekly, it can take me 2 may 3 days to just get the grass done.. we have trees and limbs down that must be taken care of.. we have a barn and a saw mill..plus exterior maintainece  on the buildings...

I am there every week..

if he is not being pressured about expenses , then why all this crap about the cabin? it makes no sense for him to stay at the cabin anyway.. its over an hours drive to his office each way.. it makes more sense to stay close to his office..

I simply do not get why he started all this today..

what are your thoughts.. any suggestions?  did I handle this wrong ?
 
There has to be more to this.. ( OW pressuring him to take her there.. he wants to impress someone at his office by letting them stay there.... he wants to host a company event there..)  or is this just MLC crazy , starting an argument just for the heck of it..
 
« Last Edit: May 09, 2018, 07:25:50 AM by waiting4 »
Me-55
H - 55
Adult D- 35 ( our only child)
Married 37 yrs. married 33 yrs at time of BD
date of BD July 2015
OW- YES, 36 yr old Peruvian with a 67yr old son
H- moved out of our home in Oct 2015 & moved in with OW
H- says doesnt want divorce, wants long term separation. doesnt know what the future holds.
 H- Jan. 2017 he visits a fertility clinic.
 H - stopped seeing me in 2017.except for 3 emergency situations
 H- has introduced OW to his family and visits them often with OW.
 H- has introduced OW to a few of our friends.
 H- told me that OW does want him to divorce me and they have talked about getting married.
 Entering 2018. H has not filed for divorce.
He is still living with OW
 H & OW moved into a huge single family home in May 2018
 If you're going through Hell, keep going

Offline Thunder

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Nope, you handed it pretty good!

A "bit" too wordy sometimes (defending yourself, which you don't need to do), but nothing wrong that I can see.

Waiting, it's just about control with him.  He'll get over it.
He did say in the end he appreciates all your work at the cabin.   ;D  I'd call that a win!

You sounded cool as a cucumber.  Good job.
With her permission, a quote from a recovered MLCer: 
From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did.

Offline waiting4Topic starter

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  Thank you Thunder..i just had to ask how I handled this.. I have no idea his reason for bringing it up, he stopped going to the cabin last year and has made no attempt to go there, has not even said that he wanted to pick up Tue & Wed. again.. I thought I stated very simply  that I'm there weekly and that I work.. but he turned it on me.. he turned it on me at the snap of the finger...im keeping him away, I'm not cooperating, its about OW.. I never said anything like that, or even close to that..

He views this type of communication as me coming at him.... do you guys see it that way ? did I " come at him"??

do I need to apologize in some way?  he came back and said that I came at him over a simple request, and that coming at him like that is never going to work in getting him back...
 
So am i suppose to change everything to make his life easier?  it looks like im suppose to lay down, shut up and just do everything he tells me to do..otherwise .. im coming at him..
« Last Edit: May 09, 2018, 08:59:29 AM by waiting4 »
Me-55
H - 55
Adult D- 35 ( our only child)
Married 37 yrs. married 33 yrs at time of BD
date of BD July 2015
OW- YES, 36 yr old Peruvian with a 67yr old son
H- moved out of our home in Oct 2015 & moved in with OW
H- says doesnt want divorce, wants long term separation. doesnt know what the future holds.
 H- Jan. 2017 he visits a fertility clinic.
 H - stopped seeing me in 2017.except for 3 emergency situations
 H- has introduced OW to his family and visits them often with OW.
 H- has introduced OW to a few of our friends.
 H- told me that OW does want him to divorce me and they have talked about getting married.
 Entering 2018. H has not filed for divorce.
He is still living with OW
 H & OW moved into a huge single family home in May 2018
 If you're going through Hell, keep going

Offline Thunder

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No, you did nothing that even sounded remotely like you were coming at him.  That's all made up in his mind.
You were perfect.

I think it's his guilt.  He projects that onto you.  You have been nothing but nice and he knows he doesn't deserve it.  So he lashes out.
Making YOU the bad guy.  Yet you're not the one having an affair, leaving his family and doing no work at the cabin.

Keep tryin' H.   :)
With her permission, a quote from a recovered MLCer: 
From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did.

Offline KeepItTogether

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Wow Waiting. You really did handle that well. And his last comment—about appreciating your work—is most definitely a win!

His responses were pretty angry/frustrated/disjointed. Tells me he is dealing with “something else”—other pressures which have nothing to do with you only he cannot direct his anger toward the sources of those pressures, whether it be OW or work, so he comes after you.

Me 46
H 45
S11
BD 5/16
H Moved out 6/16
OW--yes. Worked for H. EA turned into PA while I was in chemo.

Offline xyzcf

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He just doesn't give up does he? And no, you have nothing to apologize for.

You handled the conversation with grace. You patiently explained the reasons for why you need to be there and offered that he's welcome to come there when you and your daughter are there...but that still isn't good enough for him.

His language to you waiting is NOT acceptable but it just goes to show how very angry he is...you refuse to engage in arguing or fighting with him and that is making him even more angry...like a two year old throwing a tantrum that will not listen to reason.

 
Quote
" no one has turned me against you. I cant stand you coming at me and acting like my mother. And you say you can put the past behind you but you keep bringing up everything over and over again . you keep talking about OW.."

Very telling...that he is comparing you to his mother...very much MLC script. I don't think you talk about OW but even if you did...so what? That is small potatoes compared to his committing adultery and flaunting her in your face. Your right if you want to bring OW up...he doesn't get to control that.

I have a sense from reading what you write that he wants to control you and your life, he wants to call the shots and you are to have no voice or no say in anything at all.

Well, he is not going to control you because you are much stronger than he realizes. Continue to present your responses to him the way you are doing...calm, cool and collected...and document EVERYTHING!!!! It actually is good that he is texting you and you have some proof of what he is saying.

I am so sorry he is like this, very stressful for you.

Personally, if he were cursing at me the way he did in that text, I would say "husband, I will not engage in conversation with you when you are using foul language...goodbye"

It would probably make him even more angry and most likely I wouldn't actually say that but boy I sure would want to.
"Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see" Hebrews 11:1

"You enrich my life and are a source of joy and consolation to me. But if I lose you, I will not, I must not spend the rest of my life in unhappiness."

" The truth does not change according to our ability to stomach it". Flannery O'Connor

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Online Treasur

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H-Pet name,can you please open up more rental dates. two weekends a month is not enough. and open up more days during the week.

M- i hear you
H- thank you
H- I would like to know when you and D are using the cabin. i have been renting hotels since i never know
M- D or I are at the cabin each week, thats why dates are blocked during the week
H-OK


So am i suppose to change everything to make his life easier?  it looks like im suppose to lay down, shut up and just do everything he tells me to do..otherwise .. im coming at him..

Waiting, I think you dealt with it fine...but a bit of you is still expecting him to be rational and adult and he isn't, so even better, I'd have stopped here. He asked for facts, you gave them. Full stop...without opening up the door to Mr Sadz or Mr Tantrum with your next comment IMHO. For them, feelings are facts, well their feelings anyhow  ::)

And yes, it's projection...every time you don't read his mind, make it all easier or follow his commands...he says you're not cooperating and attacking his 'peace'. Which means, on a positive note, he is going to say that anyway so you might as well do what works best for you. The cabin seems like a big responsibility and effort for you. Is that something you want to keep doing?
« Last Edit: May 09, 2018, 10:54:41 AM by Treasur »
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD)
No kids.
BD Oct 15. OW since Apr 16?
H filed Jan 17. Divorced April 18

Grateful for any appearance of the tiny karma bus  
"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline FearNot

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Waiting I think you handled it very well. I know the feeling well of being told that you are being " difficult, uncooperative", even though you try to give them what they ask for. It gets turned around on you,  it is so frustrating, and it hurts. But really it translates to " I'm not getting my own way, blah, blah, blah, I'm bat snot bonkers and am unable to take responsibility. " 

Hugs,]
FN
M 46
H 39
No Kids
Married 5yrs, Together 11yrs
BD Oct 31/17
ILYBINILWY Dec 21/17
2nd BD- Dec 27/17
OW-Confirmed Jan 3/17

 Isaiah 43:1 " But the Lord says.. Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have summoned you by name; you are mine. "

"It's ok to be scared. Being scared means you're about to do something really, really brave." Anonymous

Offline waiting4Topic starter

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Thank you ladies... dealing with him at times I feel like I'm going insane.. he has literally not shown up at the cabin in a year, so now all of a sudden he has to start staying there, but then then again he doesn't need to every week and he needs it to all be flexible ... something is going on with him for sure...

his anger has become obvious in recent weeks, i have to wonder if things are starting to emplode with OW..  i mean within the last few weeks they have moved way out to the country, in to a huge house.. so his communte has increased by several hours, his expenses have gone up due that house, and im sure she is laying alot of "honey do " items on him..

i have no doubt she is out spending money on furniture.. she went from a 1,300 square foot condo , to an over 5,000 square house ..

so maybe its all starting to hit him..

im pretty sure he leaves that house at 7 am and doesnt get back til probably 7-8 pm.. spends several hours each day in his truck.. he has to cook all the food because she cant cook.. i dont think its expectations on my part to say it just doesnt seem like a happy , satisifying life...

with his last text to me i replied that i am doing all i can to take care of things, and that i want a calm and simple life. that i would not be contacting him  after this..that it is my wish to reconcile but i will not deal with being treated like this or spoken to like this anymore.

his reply... Stop.. G-- D---.. just try cooperating.. it might just work..

Im not crying , or overly upset by this.. i see that he is just not in his right mind..

whatever he is going through it is destorying his life.. and this OW is taking his very soul...

Me-55
H - 55
Adult D- 35 ( our only child)
Married 37 yrs. married 33 yrs at time of BD
date of BD July 2015
OW- YES, 36 yr old Peruvian with a 67yr old son
H- moved out of our home in Oct 2015 & moved in with OW
H- says doesnt want divorce, wants long term separation. doesnt know what the future holds.
 H- Jan. 2017 he visits a fertility clinic.
 H - stopped seeing me in 2017.except for 3 emergency situations
 H- has introduced OW to his family and visits them often with OW.
 H- has introduced OW to a few of our friends.
 H- told me that OW does want him to divorce me and they have talked about getting married.
 Entering 2018. H has not filed for divorce.
He is still living with OW
 H & OW moved into a huge single family home in May 2018
 If you're going through Hell, keep going

Offline waiting4Topic starter

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  I am simply taking my phone and putting his number on do not disturb.. I will not block him or do anything that appears to be hostile toward him..

In the past if I reached out to him it was out of love and concern.. for him , he has not asked about me or my well being in a very long time.. no physical contact in 1.5 years except for a few emergencies.. he no longer sees or speaks to our daughter( his only child) ..

I have officially entered the "worst " of this ..i have buckled my seatbelt.. and i now do all i can to protect myself..I love him with the whole of my heart, and have since i was 18 years old..never once from the moment i met him have i ever looked at another man..i was not always easy to live with, but i loved and adored him.. he walked out the door and i dealt with my cancer alone,  and even today i still love him.. i knew then he simply did not have the strength to deal with it.. and i have never thrown that in his face and i never will..

There is something very wrong with him..even for bad marriage standards , this goes beyond the pale..there is something terribly terribly wrong with my H..

if he walked in the door right now, i would do all i could to build a better life with him..i will remain his faithful and loving wife.. i will hold myself together..i can no longer argue with crazy.. but i will continue to be respectful ..he knows where i am when and if he comes out of this madness..
Me-55
H - 55
Adult D- 35 ( our only child)
Married 37 yrs. married 33 yrs at time of BD
date of BD July 2015
OW- YES, 36 yr old Peruvian with a 67yr old son
H- moved out of our home in Oct 2015 & moved in with OW
H- says doesnt want divorce, wants long term separation. doesnt know what the future holds.
 H- Jan. 2017 he visits a fertility clinic.
 H - stopped seeing me in 2017.except for 3 emergency situations
 H- has introduced OW to his family and visits them often with OW.
 H- has introduced OW to a few of our friends.
 H- told me that OW does want him to divorce me and they have talked about getting married.
 Entering 2018. H has not filed for divorce.
He is still living with OW
 H & OW moved into a huge single family home in May 2018
 If you're going through Hell, keep going

Offline Thunder

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Yes waiting, some of these MICer's are worse than others.  You just happen to be one of the lucky ones.  I'm sorry.   :-\

A friend of mine had the most hateful, raging MLCer.  She finally had to no complete NC with him. 
The things he said to her, called her, right in front of his two young boys was just a sin.  She said it was like he was demented.

I'm glad you are detaching enough to know none of this is because of you.  He has some demons to fight.

So when do you start our new job?   :)
With her permission, a quote from a recovered MLCer: 
From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did.

Offline heroIam

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Hi waiting,
Sorry your H continues to badger you.  :-[
Good thing you are putting his number on do not disturb.  I think it's great that you are protecting yourself and your heart and not get pulled into his rages/craziness.  It takes strength and courage.

I guess it's stories like this that make me feel better about dealing with a semi vanisher.  ugh.
But vanishers come with their own set of crazy.   ::)

Did you start your new job yet?  I hope you are enjoying it. 
“In the end, you’ve got to be your own hero because everyone’s busy trying to save themselves.”

Offline waiting4Topic starter

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  • Tomorrow is another day..

 Being able to come here and get things off my chest is a blessing in my life.. we all know the craziness affects our lives in so many ways..

  my new job is GREAT... its just a few days a week, but its wonderful to get out and really focus on other things...

  Treasur... I really do not have a choice right now with the cabin.. it is a very big burden on me, but its marital property and with  all his craziness i feel better just taking care of things myself.. i simply do not trust him at all while he is with OW..

 So recieved a text from H late last night..

 H- the stress is getting to me, my blood pressure is very high lately
 H= I'm monitoring

 M- I hope you feel better

So , another random bit of information from LA LA Land...

He says he is happy, but it sure doesnt sound that way to me...
Me-55
H - 55
Adult D- 35 ( our only child)
Married 37 yrs. married 33 yrs at time of BD
date of BD July 2015
OW- YES, 36 yr old Peruvian with a 67yr old son
H- moved out of our home in Oct 2015 & moved in with OW
H- says doesnt want divorce, wants long term separation. doesnt know what the future holds.
 H- Jan. 2017 he visits a fertility clinic.
 H - stopped seeing me in 2017.except for 3 emergency situations
 H- has introduced OW to his family and visits them often with OW.
 H- has introduced OW to a few of our friends.
 H- told me that OW does want him to divorce me and they have talked about getting married.
 Entering 2018. H has not filed for divorce.
He is still living with OW
 H & OW moved into a huge single family home in May 2018
 If you're going through Hell, keep going

Offline xyzcf

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It really is amazing that he “ reports” to you about his blood pressure.  He is an adult who has made choices that suit him. I am not sure if he wants you to know about his blood pressure to somehow blame you or because he still feels connected to you. 

Their behavior really is strange
"Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see" Hebrews 11:1

"You enrich my life and are a source of joy and consolation to me. But if I lose you, I will not, I must not spend the rest of my life in unhappiness."

" The truth does not change according to our ability to stomach it". Flannery O'Connor

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Online Treasur

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Great neutral response on the ridiculous blood pressure text, waiting. Nutty as a bag of nuts, I know, and I hope you left a reasonable time gap before responding.
I get your point about trusting him re the cabin...are there any other options that are less onerous for you particularly now that you'll have your new job to focus on?
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD)
No kids.
BD Oct 15. OW since Apr 16?
H filed Jan 17. Divorced April 18

Grateful for any appearance of the tiny karma bus  
"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline waiting4Topic starter

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 Treasur.. right now i can handle everything.. the thing that bothers me is when he makes his comments .. he has walked away from everything and offers no help.. so it pisses me off when he acts like he has some right to use the place .. i have texts from him where he says he wants to get rid of the place .. the cabin is of no use to him.. etc..  sometimes i think he is just angry that I'm keeping everything going without him..


Me-55
H - 55
Adult D- 35 ( our only child)
Married 37 yrs. married 33 yrs at time of BD
date of BD July 2015
OW- YES, 36 yr old Peruvian with a 67yr old son
H- moved out of our home in Oct 2015 & moved in with OW
H- says doesnt want divorce, wants long term separation. doesnt know what the future holds.
 H- Jan. 2017 he visits a fertility clinic.
 H - stopped seeing me in 2017.except for 3 emergency situations
 H- has introduced OW to his family and visits them often with OW.
 H- has introduced OW to a few of our friends.
 H- told me that OW does want him to divorce me and they have talked about getting married.
 Entering 2018. H has not filed for divorce.
He is still living with OW
 H & OW moved into a huge single family home in May 2018
 If you're going through Hell, keep going

Offline waiting4Topic starter

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  • Tomorrow is another day..

   His behavior is beyond confusing..

  So he has informed me that he is stressed out and everything is getting to him.. I am continuing to detach , and I feel I am making progress in that.. I do not feel responsible for what is happening to him, I'm not taking what he says personally ..but its all interesting none the less..

I get a text that he's stressed..i respond... he then says that I'm to blame for his BP being up.. I respond with " I'm sorry you feel that way"

 Then late last night I get another text from him..

H- it is mostly work and the rest is you. like yesterday with the cabin, you just come at me. the whole thing wore me out. you wear me out. i have no tolerance for it at all.my head is about to explode from my BP.

M- I hear you

H- you have to stop coming at me . I know you think this is all about the move , its not.. but tell yourself that if it makes you feel better.. its work and you

M- what is happening at work that is causing you to be so stressed

M- I'm sure you feel you have the weight of the world on you right now. its understandable. the company wants profits, negotiating new business is time consuming. you pride yourself on getting the job done. you hold it together for everyone no matter what. you are expected to have the answers, fix it , deliver it. thats alot to deal with . I am sorry that you feel i am coming at you.

H- Crazy busy. cant hire people, labor shortage . systems issues hurting profits.. MESS

M- Im sorry all that is happening

its clear things  are not going well for him.. is this him hitting rock bottom?  i mean do they lose it like this as they spiral down?  is the relationship with OW not giving him that euphoric feeling?

He says its work and me.. i have no idea, i dont live with him anymore so i have no clue.. but i do see a very unhappy man who has complicated his life even more over the last few weeks.. and thats when he said he started having issues with his BP...

I'm actaully doing ok.. im not taking this personally..I feel at times i am accepting all this and seeing that he made all these choices..

i just dont know where his behaviour fits in the tunnel, i know hes not a vanisher .. but even though i havent seen him in a while , is this behaviour from him considered an anchor check?  i just see him as very aggitated , and angry..and he still takes no responsibility for anything..just throws all the blmae at work and me.. not one word about OW or that situation having any issues..

love to hear your thoughts ...

well, i am busy with work.. and i'm headed to the cabin for a week or so. and im planning my nephews high school graduation party...lots of good things going on in my life...


Me-55
H - 55
Adult D- 35 ( our only child)
Married 37 yrs. married 33 yrs at time of BD
date of BD July 2015
OW- YES, 36 yr old Peruvian with a 67yr old son
H- moved out of our home in Oct 2015 & moved in with OW
H- says doesnt want divorce, wants long term separation. doesnt know what the future holds.
 H- Jan. 2017 he visits a fertility clinic.
 H - stopped seeing me in 2017.except for 3 emergency situations
 H- has introduced OW to his family and visits them often with OW.
 H- has introduced OW to a few of our friends.
 H- told me that OW does want him to divorce me and they have talked about getting married.
 Entering 2018. H has not filed for divorce.
He is still living with OW
 H & OW moved into a huge single family home in May 2018
 If you're going through Hell, keep going

Offline waiting4Topic starter

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  • Tomorrow is another day..


  WOW.. I am in such a bad place right now.. I feel as if I am surrounded by evil and its doing everything to destroy me..i am doing all I can to save my marriage and its like there are forces pushing it to end.

 I have tried to explain what is happening to my H to others ( family , friends ) not to have them do anything , but rather to get them to understand that he really isn't in his right mind and that things that are said to him can greatly affect this situation.. no one listens.. its as if everyone thinks I'm lying about his behavior.

Our daughter ( married adult) has been devastated by all this. and it has affected her life in very negative ways. she and her husband are now having serious issues, and it may end in a divorce for them..

I had kept all this from my H , because as we all know they are not in their right mind ( he does not see our D let alone talk to her) and as we all know it seems no matter what we do or say they see it as manipulation.. plus I'm trying not to add to his drama..

well, Daughter went to her Dads office.. and there was a huge verbal altercation . it was really bad. I had no idea she had gone there.
 
H started blowing up my phone with texts.. and guess who got the blame for the entire thing?  ME!!!

so here i am now in the middle of this situation with them.. i am getting 2 very different stories..

 i have explained to her that at this time we have to be careful what we say to her dad .. she knows how he has been with me, she has seen things first hand for herself.. but she went to his office anyway..

Daughter did say to me that it was like talking to a crazy person.. that you simply can not disagree with him about things. that he truly does not see how his actions have harmed others.. that it was a general conversation to start and blew up in a second.. she said he went from ok to enraged at the snap of a finger. cursing her, calling her names..talking about how she just needs to get over this , that he is happy with OW.. Our daughter said something along the lines of .. but you are married dad , you are spending marital money on this OW..daughter said at that point she thought he was going to hit her. that he began screaming at her..she said at that point she got up and left.. and as she left his office she saw someone sitting in the office next to his and this person had a completley shocked look on his face..
im sure no one at his office knows my H is doing all this..

daughter said that she told him that she had no idea who he was anymore, and he said well, people change, I have no tolerance for you or your mother anymore..

I know our daughter is in pain, I know she needs her dad.. I have tried to explain that he just isn't here anymore.. that he is running.. running from pressure.. drama...responsibility ...

so he has informed me that everything is now toxic, that he disowns our daughter and that i am his enemy . that he wants peace for the last part of his life.. that he will attain an attorney next week and wants me gone..

i am reeling.. i did nothing . i can not control our daughter any more than i can control H.. so why is this all my fault..

I do not know what to do..

I am dealing with total insanity.. H  walked out and lives as if i do not exist. wants me to go away but then shares personal information. he does not want any one to know what he is actually doing ( how he is treating me, what he is saying to me, how he has fought the divorce up to this point. etc..)

dear God ..why cant people see that he isn't in his right mind.. or is he, and all this is just a very sick and twisted game.. he tells me to leave him alone, but our lives are so entwined . he tells me to find peace and happiness, but i am married to him.. i cant meet someone , i am his wife.. he says i need to get past all this..he says i am a very angry person and he cant stand me..he says i have made this entire situation toxic..

i do not know what to do.. how on earth can he act this way with me and our daughter and NOT show some crazy signs with OW..

So what do i do now? do i go completely dark and let all this blow over?  do i block his number and his email ?  do i tell him that i just will not talk to him as long as he is with OW? 

How much worse is this going to get? 

Me-55
H - 55
Adult D- 35 ( our only child)
Married 37 yrs. married 33 yrs at time of BD
date of BD July 2015
OW- YES, 36 yr old Peruvian with a 67yr old son
H- moved out of our home in Oct 2015 & moved in with OW
H- says doesnt want divorce, wants long term separation. doesnt know what the future holds.
 H- Jan. 2017 he visits a fertility clinic.
 H - stopped seeing me in 2017.except for 3 emergency situations
 H- has introduced OW to his family and visits them often with OW.
 H- has introduced OW to a few of our friends.
 H- told me that OW does want him to divorce me and they have talked about getting married.
 Entering 2018. H has not filed for divorce.
He is still living with OW
 H & OW moved into a huge single family home in May 2018
 If you're going through Hell, keep going

Offline Unraveled

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How many times has he said that's it or threatened to file and not done it?  Threats only have life if you give in to them.  Try to forget it and move on.  He will calm down like he always does.

Bigger issue I think is your D.  I think you have to stop talking to her about him at all, even if she asks.  If you can't control her or she can't control herself then you are going to have stuff like that happen and it only makes it worse for all of you.  Sounds like this isn't good for her health or her marriage either.  I would lovingly ask her to stay out of it and tell her that you need to fight your own battles and she can help everyone most by focusing on her own health and her own marriage.  Tell her it is with total love and support that you are going to deal with this stuff on your own from now on.  If he tries to drag her in, tell her to stay out and tell him to stop trying to drag her in because it is affecting her health and her marriage.

Offline Thunder

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Waiting,

I'm sorry but there really isn't anything you can do to change him, and nether can your d.  You both need to leave him completely alone.  Don't even talk to him.  Go NC.

If he doesn't like it, too bad.  What's he going to do?  Monster at you, he does already.  Divorce you?  Good then you can get the finances finally taken care of.  If he threatens divorce, tell him good...that's what you want!  Tell him you will get a lawyer to represent you.

Honey, this man has Monstered and blamed you long enough.
If he needs something let him just text it or email it, NOT call you.  If he calls, don't answer it.  Block him from phoning you.  What ever it takes to get him to stop calling you.  He has become very toxic to both of you.

Remember he can't Monster much in a text or an email.

That will be a good boundary for you, waiting.

Big Hug
With her permission, a quote from a recovered MLCer: 
From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did.

Offline waiting4Topic starter

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Thanks unresolved.. I know he has said it many times now, but that doesn't make it any less painful. I know there is something very wrong with him..

as for our daughter.. my conversations with her in regards to her dad are not in-depth at all...

as for her going to his office.. she went there because she needed her dad.. she has a problem in her life and she needed her dads advice.. unfortunately she just cant wrap her head around the fact that the dad she knew is gone..the conversation started about the issues I  HER marriage , and her dad immediately took it as blame from her ( which was not her intent, she just needed to talk to her dad )
he just became enraged immediately and began verbally attacking her, cursing her and calling her names.. it just escalated into her saying things about his behavior at that point.. she didn't go there looking to try and solve my marriage , she went there to talk to her daddy, and she was met by a total stranger who does not give a crap about her or her pain ..

Me-55
H - 55
Adult D- 35 ( our only child)
Married 37 yrs. married 33 yrs at time of BD
date of BD July 2015
OW- YES, 36 yr old Peruvian with a 67yr old son
H- moved out of our home in Oct 2015 & moved in with OW
H- says doesnt want divorce, wants long term separation. doesnt know what the future holds.
 H- Jan. 2017 he visits a fertility clinic.
 H - stopped seeing me in 2017.except for 3 emergency situations
 H- has introduced OW to his family and visits them often with OW.
 H- has introduced OW to a few of our friends.
 H- told me that OW does want him to divorce me and they have talked about getting married.
 Entering 2018. H has not filed for divorce.
He is still living with OW
 H & OW moved into a huge single family home in May 2018
 If you're going through Hell, keep going

Offline Unraveled

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Yes, Thunder is absolutely right.  No contact for monster like this is a requirement.  Mine threatens me now all the time with divorce and I say great, go file and he still doesn't.  When they feel you slipping away, the rage gets worse and worse.  The threats more and more prevalent.  They need the control.  They need to know you are there and waiting.  And at the same time it is what keeps them from dealing with what they need to deal with.

I think if you tell him to do whatever he thinks will make him happy, he isn't going to do diddly squat.  With the ones with personality disorders, they need to feel like they are running the show.  That is why he monsters when you file.  You are taking his control.  Let him file if he wants, that piece of paper isn't keeping him home and it won't keep him away if ever he wants to come back.  What it may well do is protect your future financially.  If he is in charge of the filing and it is what he wants and he feels not pressure from you, then he has nothing to monster about or accuse you of coming at him.

My H does the same thing about the children's pain.  In any way that he feels that he is being accused or blamed (even if that is not what is actually happening), he rages and monsters.  It is truly the inability to deal with the guilt and shame.  They can't take it in so they have to spew it out.  If I say the kids are suffering or hurting, I know I'm going to get it.  Your D is a big girl.  She needs to finally come to terms that her dad is gone and until the man she recognizes and reaches out to her and makes amends in a sane manner, there is no point in trying to have a relationship with him.  But, even when she is mad or hurt, she needs to not mention your marriage, divorce, etc.

You guys are going to get through this.  The less pressure he feels from you (which I think is really just his own attachment to you and guilt), the nicer he will treat you.  That is why no contact from both of you is an absolute necessity.


Offline waiting4Topic starter

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Thanks Thunder.. Unraveled..

just putting my thoughts out here, sometimes I feel if I don't get the thoughts out of my head they will consume me..

I have been walking around for a while with the knowledge that my daughters marriage is in trouble.. I love my Daughter and SIL so very much , and what they are going through right now is very hard for me..

first my daughter is dealing with the craziness of her dad.. then dealing with my breast cancer...then dealing with my younger sister being diagnosed with breast cancer..on top of that , my daughter is a relator and she was attacked by a nut job ( a man ) she was showing a house to.. so she is dealing with PTSD  and severe anxiety attacks .  she has a great doctor, and spending time with me and my family ( her grandparents, aunts, uncles and cousins ) helps her a lot. she does not have anything to do with her dads family as they have welcomed OW into their homes and she feels this is a total show of disrespect for me, our marriage and for her..

My SIL .. he's a good guy, and he  has been there for my daughter and for me this whole time.. BUT there are some serious issues..

My SIL was married before and has 2 children from that marriage.. this is his second marriage and my daughters first

He is in the Air Force and is in EOD (Explosive Ordinance Division ) the movie Hurt Locker will tell you what he does for a living.. due to his job he has had many  injuries and several of those have been to his head.
over the last few years he has had some anger issues, and has in fact had a personality change. ( he has been seen by doctors )

within the last year he has become verbally abusive to my daughter( calls her names, insults her, blames her for everything, punches holes in doors.. becomes very sullen , withdraws, etc.) he has recently behaved in a ways that lead my daughter to think he is having an affair. he sent her a text a few days ago saying he didn't love her and thinks he wants a divorce

so my daughter is dealing with a lot and in turn we are both dealing with very stressful situations. I am not a meddling mother in law, and I basically try and just listen if they want to talk. I believe my SIL is dealing with the affects of  traumatic head injuries but the stress and turmoil are affecting my daughter.

 Our lives have  been upended in tramatic fashion for 3 years, i believe i am dealing with PTSD , depression and anziety . trying to hold my world together is taking its toll on me.

i sent my daughter back to her home and asked her to try and have a pleasant weekend with her husband. she said she has some decisions to make and she asked if it came down to it could she move back home with me.  i told her the door is always open ..

on top of all this i'm dealing with my crazy MLCer...i simply want to hold on in hopes my H comes out of this crisis and wants to come home. i am a strong woman but my knees are starting to bend ..

what will make my H happy ? he wants to live with OW , stay married to me, keep everything joint, not see me or hear my voice..he wants nothing to do with our marital home ( has not lifted a finger to help with repairs in any way and has not stepped foot inside the house for 1.5 years,)  but wants access to our cabin when he wants it..our daughter and i are to get on with our lives, leave him alone, if we see or hear about something in regards to him and OW we are to ignore it..but he does want me to sell our marital home and move away ( i refuse to sell and he says im doing it to hold him hostage and force him to come home .. im not doing that at all.. our home is my only sourse of stability right now, its a place of comfort for me  right now ) he bascially wants to live as if i do not exist.

what do i want? i want to weather this crazy storm.. hold on to what we have and see if my H comes out of this and somehow wants to come home. i do not want a divorce , my marriage is a sacrement , i do not want H and OW posting anything on social media ( since he will not file for divorce i feel it is the least he can do to not publicly humilate me but i know this wont happen)
i want full and open disclosure of finances with no arguments..

I recently sent in to get copies of our tax returns for the last 2 years.. he doesn't know i did this.. and i only did it because he refuses to show me our tax return papers..which leads me to believe he is making far more than he says he is.. and if he isn't , then he is just trying to keep me upset.

I know the answers are total detachment..you would think I could do that with the fact that I haven't seen him in 1.5 years .. i know its his out of the blue contact with me and his crumbs of personal information that prevent me from detaching completely. I go back and forth with blocking him completely  from everything.. cell phone, email, house phone .. but if i do that will it not say to him that i have closed the door on him.. i think that's what i am afraid of.. everyone says if its my hope to reconcile one day do not shut down all communication with him. it has nothing to do with me trying to control the outcome, it's that i feel he needs to know the door to come home is still open.. and if i shut down all contact that will be a fait accompli..

i know its all about control with him.. i know what ever it is he is going through a huge part of it is him feeling he had no control over things .. one thing he continues to say to me in these monster moments is that i don't own him..and that i come at him like I'm his mother

one of the heated issues is money.. he says I'm crazy to think he is spending a lot of money on OW.. he says  she makes her own money.. the fact that she makes her own money really isn't the issue.. he is still spending martial money on living with her.. he says its none of my business.. that i have no right to ask him about it.. BUT if i take money out the ATM he wants to know why . even though he takes x amount out of his check each month and has it deposited into his secret bank account, he charges things on our joint credit card. and takes x amount of cash at ATM each month,  which i have not said a word about in almost 2 years . 

just empting my head of all this....otherwise its like a hamster on a wheel...I need to find some humor in all this..

i need a name for him.. he is so F ing crazy i keep picturing a deranged squirrel desperately holding on to his nuts...
 
Me-55
H - 55
Adult D- 35 ( our only child)
Married 37 yrs. married 33 yrs at time of BD
date of BD July 2015
OW- YES, 36 yr old Peruvian with a 67yr old son
H- moved out of our home in Oct 2015 & moved in with OW
H- says doesnt want divorce, wants long term separation. doesnt know what the future holds.
 H- Jan. 2017 he visits a fertility clinic.
 H - stopped seeing me in 2017.except for 3 emergency situations
 H- has introduced OW to his family and visits them often with OW.
 H- has introduced OW to a few of our friends.
 H- told me that OW does want him to divorce me and they have talked about getting married.
 Entering 2018. H has not filed for divorce.
He is still living with OW
 H & OW moved into a huge single family home in May 2018
 If you're going through Hell, keep going

Offline Upintheair

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oh Waiting, I am sure, that this event pushed you back on your healing and improvement. I  can just  echo others here: no contact with him. If you must, answer him with yes or no or maybe, no more words, until the beast in him cools down.
Up
"Attachment is the great fabricator of illusions; reality can be attained only by someone who is detached."
Simone Weil
Bd: 03-2015

Offline waiting4Topic starter

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 My son in law has served many tours in Iraq  and Afghanistan .. Hurt Locker has a meaning for these very brave men and women

  A period of immense ,inescapable physical and emotional pain..

 to many it is a flag draped coffin.. to others it is the reliving of a nightmarish event..
Me-55
H - 55
Adult D- 35 ( our only child)
Married 37 yrs. married 33 yrs at time of BD
date of BD July 2015
OW- YES, 36 yr old Peruvian with a 67yr old son
H- moved out of our home in Oct 2015 & moved in with OW
H- says doesnt want divorce, wants long term separation. doesnt know what the future holds.
 H- Jan. 2017 he visits a fertility clinic.
 H - stopped seeing me in 2017.except for 3 emergency situations
 H- has introduced OW to his family and visits them often with OW.
 H- has introduced OW to a few of our friends.
 H- told me that OW does want him to divorce me and they have talked about getting married.
 Entering 2018. H has not filed for divorce.
He is still living with OW
 H & OW moved into a huge single family home in May 2018
 If you're going through Hell, keep going

Offline Unraveled

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Hard stuff here and easy to see where all of the stress for both of you comes from.  I'd like to throw out some stuff too.  Clearly I don't know if it is your situation and definitely am doing so only in an effort to help.

1.  I think you are very likely a co-dependent.  I am (or is it was) a huge co-dependent.  There are a million sites online where you can look up the symptoms.  I'd try co-dependent no more and suggest that maybe you and your daughter check out some meetings.  The thing is, feeling other people's pain doesn't help them, it just makes you feel worse.  A big part of it for me was being afraid to let people face the consequences of their own actions and choices.  I wanted to save everyone all the time.  Now I see how much I was hurting others by doing this, maybe especially my H.  Although I will say learning about it has been huge in the way I parent and I am seeing dividends in growth in both of my children.

2.  Fear is a monster.  I lived in fear for most of my marriage.  Always afraid to say my truth or take the action I needed to take.  Instead, I ate and barked and pursued.  Having stopped all of those behaviors, I am now learning to stand up to my H and I'm seeing what a coward he is inside and learning that there is really nothing he can do to hurt me.  At one time I wanted to reconcile very badly.  I was willing to take any crumbs he might throw my way.  A counselor I had a few years ago said that when I felt better about myself, I would no longer be willing to tolerate his crumbs.  You know what, she was right.  I feel so much better about myself.  I am so much happier now.  I am loving my days and letting go of all of my crutches.  Try to work on not being afraid or at a minimum facing your fears.  Thinking through what they can do for you.

3.  Sounds like your D and her H might need some counseling (separately I'd think since we know how he will use it if he is having an affair).  Buy your daughter the Divorce Busting book (the second one probably) and help her start doing 180s and detaching right away. 

4.  Try not to let you and D become bonded in your mutual troubles.  Instead of lifting you both up, it will just drag you both down.  Use each other to get out and bring other people into your worlds. More friends, more activities, more joy. 

5.  Make a decision about what matters most to you:  the divorce or the husband.  You may not be able to have both.  If you try to save the marriage at all cost and hold onto him, you may just push him away forever.  If you are willing to accept the divorce, you may be able to finally give him the space he keeps asking for.  Yours talks to you so much.  He tells you exactly what he feels like he is needing.  I think you are trying to give it to him, but you are so worried about that piece of paper that you just can't let go.  I'm afraid if you can't drop that rope, it will just keep dragging all of you.

6.  Instead of focusing on the pain all around you right now, try really hard to focus on all the joy.  That you have your D, that you have your new job, that you have your home and purpose and you know what you want (which really may change the better you feel about yourself).

These are what stuck out to me in reading your post.

Offline bvFTD

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Dear Waiting:

Please step back and try to look at your situation and your daughter's clinically.

You wrote that due to SIL's head injuries, "he has become verbally abusive to my daughter (calls her names, insults her, blames her for everything, punches holes in doors . . . becomes very sullen, withdrawn, etc.) he has recently behaved in ways that lead my daughter to think he is having an affair. He sent her a text a few days ago saying he didn't love her and thinks he wants a divorce."

His behaviors due to TBIs sound a lot like behaviors described here attributed to MLC. They are signs and symptoms of frontal lobe injury/atrophy/dysfunction.

I hope your SIL is seeing a neurologist who will monitor him and prescribe medications if needed to help him feel better.

Offline Thunder

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Waiting,

I truly think your H is going through a terrible and debilitating, midlife crisis.  Some of them just do.
I don't see that there is anything you can do to help him through it.  All you can do is save yourself and let him go through it, until he is ready to do the inner work he desperately needs to do, IF he does.

You can't force this until he is ready.

I truly believe 98% of these MICer's do not have any kind of frontal lobe dysfunction.
I know FTD sees that in all of them, but I have been here long enough to know that is VERY, VERY rare and I really wish she would stop telling people that is their problem.  Sorry FTD but It just confuses people and gives them a lame excuse.

I'm not even really convinced that is what is wrong with your H, to be honest.  I think it's very possible his neurologist diagnosed him with that because they can't explain it any other way and you ran with it.  Like my doctor thought mine maybe had a brain tumor.

It gave you a way to keep compassion for him instead of putting blame on him for being extremely selfish and destructive and it took all his responsibility away from him.  How nice for him.

What he did to you and your family, FTD, was horrific.  It could very well be just pure selfishness and now he is being felt sorry for instead of being held accountable.  I find that sad he got off the hook so easily.

I'm not saying he couldn't have that rare problem, or that some of these MLCer's don't have a medical problem...but I think it is very rare and not the norm.

Waiting, some of these MLCer's are just plain and simple mean.
I would just remove myself from him.  For what ever reason he is being abusive.  No one has to put up with that.
With her permission, a quote from a recovered MLCer: 
From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did.

Offline xyzcf

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I am so sorry that your daughter is having such difficulty with the two most important men in her life. This is really concerning and heartbreaking.

My father was a POW in WWll for 3 1/2 years. He suffered PTSD and many other physical conditions due to starvation and torture. PTSD was not really recognized until the Vietnam war. We know that many in the military have this disorder and it is hard to treat but progress is being made

It was a hard life for my mother. She had support from the other wives of my dad’s colleagues as we have support from one another whose spouses are in an MLC.

It may take many years for you to feel free of the sadness and pain but we do heal and build a life with our children and friends who understand what we are going through.

Continue to understand that your husband is in crisis and we shall be here to support you. To listen and help you.

There are some posters who do not understand MLC.  I think you can draw your own conclusions concerning your husband’s crisis. With that understanding, more and more you will find peace .

Have a happy mother’s day with your daughter.

Prayers for you and your daughter
"Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see" Hebrews 11:1

"You enrich my life and are a source of joy and consolation to me. But if I lose you, I will not, I must not spend the rest of my life in unhappiness."

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Offline Unraveled

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bvFTD, I think you should really consider what Thunder said so compassionately.  This rare condition certainly cannot be the cause of every one of our problems and frontal lobe injuries cannot be the response for everything else.  They just can't. Statistically it does not work out.  I do think your posts often come across as scary in a way that you probably don't intend.  When I had a counselor tell me my H was a narcissist I went home and read all about it.  When I saw that there was no cure for NPD (something entirely different than run of the mill narcissist thinking), no treatment, no nothing, it was very heart-breaking for me.  I cried for him for so long.  Now, I don't really care what is wrong with him.  I care about the way he treats me and my kids.  I'm not even sure he is a narcissist anymore, just someone with a lot of narcissistic traits but we all have them and not all narcissism is bad.  NPD is also a very rare disorder and is in stark contrast to situational narcissism that people experience under stress (as in a character trap). 

I have observed that the times you give advice that doesn't say anything about bvFTD or frontal lobe injuries are the times you give the very best advice.  Can you limit the bvFTD and frontal lobe posts to their own well-labeled threads so that people go there for that information if they want it? You could say to a new person simply check out my thread if you are curious about whether this might be a factor in your situation.  Let them draw their own conclusions.  That way you are not scaring people, they can make their own assessment of the situation, and if they like what they read there they can come back and post.

I think the longer one is on this journey, one realizes that labels just don't matter.  We use them as a shorthand to describe a behavior or set of behaviors, but in general we are talking about people who have disordered thinking, which of course includes people with depression and people who are having affairs (I truly believe affairs are just evidence of a character issue).  Many people are unhappy, but not all unhappy people have affairs.  There are studies that bear out that even happy people have affairs.  So there is no correlation between these factors.  Not all disordered people are the same and even people with the same disorder will behave differently.  We should always take an inventory of the person we are dealing with and say, is this something I can live with today?  If the answer is yes, keep going.  If and when they do proceed through their crisis, we still have to look at the person in front of us and say is this someone I want in my life.

Offline bvFTD

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Thunder:

You say your doctor THOUGHT your H may have a brain tumor. Okay.

Did the doctor give your H extensive tests and scans, run blood work and ask YOU about your husband's drastic and disturbing personality change? Did your doctor ask your H to submit to genetic testing in case an errant gene caused the disease, but your husband refused? Was your doctor a neurologist, an Associate Professor of the Neurology Department at a University Hospital? Did he also practice at a VA and Community Hospital? Did your H undergo these tests?

I really think that this site should urge people to get their spouse to see a doctor if they can, and to file for divorce as soon as the spouse walks out of the house in order to prevent bankruptcy and possible foreclosure, and stop assuring people that the marriage will be even better if only they would hold out for the glorious emergence from a tunnel.

This site is wonderfully supportive, but downplays the gravity and repercussions of these illnesses.






Offline Unraveled

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bvFTD, you are a passionate and driven crusader for this cause yet it made no difference in your husband's case despite the best doctors and diagnosticians.  If you couldn't effect a change in your situation, what difference does it make if our Hs all have the same thing too?  When our Hs react violently to the suggestions that they are having a midlife crisis, how do you think they would react to being told that we think they have incurable brain damage.  Any ability to help them through their crisis, of whatever origin, would likely be lost.

Just wondering, what is your agenda?  Is it increased testing and diagnosis to further research into the disease?  Is it to find others whose spouses are similarly situated?  Just a little confused.  You seem very opposed to the purpose of this site and when you say things like "hold out for the glorious emergence from a tunnel" you are being condescending to the beliefs of the people on this site.  While not everybody has to agree about everything all the time, and doing so would make for poor discourse, one should nevertheless be respectful of other perspectives. 

I think you should be allowed to post here and share your views, but as I said previously, I think you should self-regulate and be mindful of how life-changing all this is and how many people on this site were very close to being suicidal themselves as a result of the pain they experienced, and post in a way that shares your view and research without inflicting more harm and more fear on people who are already struggling.  If you are looking for kindred spirits and not finding them here, perhaps another site, or one you could create yourself like RCR and HB did, might be a better fit for you.

I'm going to call out Thunder because she is one of the most prolific posters on this site. She reaches out to every newbie I've seen and regularly shares information about protecting assets and in some cases filing for divorce.  But divorce is not the best option for everyone, even legally speaking, and generally assuming that you would give everyone the same advice in different situations is just as problematic as not giving any advice at all.


Offline Thunder

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FTD, this is waiting's thread so I don't want to take up anymore of her space, then I already did.

I'll see if I can find your thread and answer you.  :)

Thank you Unraveled for you very kind words.  There are many good people out here who take the time to reach out to the newbies.  I am just one of many who care about them in their dark days.

Ok, back to you waiting. 

I'm very sorry to hear about your D and her H's problems.  I hope he can get some help with his issues before it gets too far out of hand.
It has to be hard on your D, and then throw in her crisis father.  The poor thing.
I'm just glad she has you to support her.

Happy Mother's Day, waiting! 
With her permission, a quote from a recovered MLCer: 
From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did.

Offline waiting4Topic starter

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  • Tomorrow is another day..
  Text from H Today..

 I have told you many many times, that I have no  plans to come home.  should that change some day then it might happen. the behavior  you have had always ensured that it would never happen so at times in the past when it was possible your behavior changes that .

i dont know now if i continue to stand or end this.. if he feels this strongly at 3 years then there is no hope.. :'(

he still has made no move to divorce...at this point he is just walking a way leaving it all in limbo.. Its like he thinks its ok for me to spend the rest of my life alone.. he knows I simply can not go out and be with someone else.

at 3 years I simply have to face that he is never coming back..
« Last Edit: May 13, 2018, 12:47:02 PM by waiting4 »
Me-55
H - 55
Adult D- 35 ( our only child)
Married 37 yrs. married 33 yrs at time of BD
date of BD July 2015
OW- YES, 36 yr old Peruvian with a 67yr old son
H- moved out of our home in Oct 2015 & moved in with OW
H- says doesnt want divorce, wants long term separation. doesnt know what the future holds.
 H- Jan. 2017 he visits a fertility clinic.
 H - stopped seeing me in 2017.except for 3 emergency situations
 H- has introduced OW to his family and visits them often with OW.
 H- has introduced OW to a few of our friends.
 H- told me that OW does want him to divorce me and they have talked about getting married.
 Entering 2018. H has not filed for divorce.
He is still living with OW
 H & OW moved into a huge single family home in May 2018
 If you're going through Hell, keep going

Offline Unraveled

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Waiting, I feel like mine is doing things to try to upset me to get me to file for divorce (which makes zero sense since he has always had a way out of our marriage with 1 signature and a 3 month waiting period).

Yours seems like he's trying to push you to file, but then when you do, he threatens and monsters and rages.  Do you have an open divorce filing now?  If you want, you can push it through.  Personally, I don't think the text today should have any impact on your decision.  What have you possibly done to push him away?  That is 100% projection.  He has done everything in the world to push you away, but keeps contacting you, keeps talking about coming back (even if stated in the negative).  Mine has never said he was coming back or not coming back.  Nothing has ever been vocalized except when he is in monster mode he says we should be divorced (passive voice, as he doesn't seem to be able to say "I'm filing for divorce.").

Whether you decide to go through with a divorce or not, I think you have to get off the roller coaster ride for your own health and sanity.  You could absolutely block him from sending these texts.  I have been at so much more peace since I'm not waiting for some text rant.  You could ask him to enumerate for you exactly what he thinks you have done to push him away.  When he says you keep coming at him, ask him for an example.  Mine speaks in generalities and threats too.  I have not tried it yet because I've been following the advice to keep things to a minimum, but I am going to start asking for examples and explanations just to see how he will react.  The point is if you are feeling close to giving up, what do you have to lose by trying different things.

Don't despair.  He does not get to tell you when you are done.  He just doesn't.  He can only decide when he is done.  Ignore his hateful words and don't believe him until he actually files (and then respond and do what you have to), but even then he might not see it through  You get to decide your fate.  You and only you.

Offline waiting4Topic starter

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  • Tomorrow is another day..

 Unraveled,   My filing for adultery is open and sitting with the courts, its just been placed on hold.. He brought up " we have to divorce now, there is no other choice " about 2 months ago but has not retained an attorney , nor has he cross filed on his own.. when I asked him why he hasn't filed if he feels so strongly to do it he says he just keeps putting it off   :o

the times he is referring to  " coming home could have happened " were in 2016 and 2017..

the first time was in the late summer of 2016.. ( BD was summer of 2015) he started saying he missed me and was seriously considering coming home, but i couldnt push him.. he would come to the house , spend time with me, we would go to our cabin, we would talk on the phone etc.. but he continued to live with OW and take her around his family , go on vacations with her etc.  ???  bascially he was cake eating.. by Dec 2016 i was just at my wits end with it and told him i just could not see him under these circumstances anymore , that it was just to painful  :'(  he said i was pushing him.. then in Jan. 2017 i found out that he went to a fertility clinic with OW,  >:(  well, i was very upset with him over it and felt he had just been stringing me along  and i let him know how  upset and angry i was over it.. this incident was his reason for no longer seeing me.  so that was "his first " attempt to come home..  ::)

the second was in the late spring /early summer of 2017.. he started communicating with me again , said he was strongly considering coming back but to not push him  :o  things started to calm down between us but he was still living with OW , going on trips, etc.  >:(  i wasn't buying anything he said.. the week of july 4th he was calling me alot and being very sweet, i later learned that OW had planned a huge family reunion for him with his family and they went away together ( taking her son with them ) for a week .  >:( i lost my temper about it and he said i was pushing him and that put an end to that..

At no time has he "left " OW .. and he has gone out of his way to hide from her any and all communication  with me .

he views any time i disagree with him about things as "fighting " him.. he views any time i ask him anything  as "coming at him"

he says my not sharing him with her is me being difficult..
that my filing for divorce for adultery is me just being vindictive.
He says i have no right to question him what he spends money on because he doesn't question me ( I'm not having an affair , money i spend is on me or our daughter )

I thought things were calming down some going into the fall of 2017 but all of a sudden he stopped initiating contact in any way , and when I would contact him due to bills etc. he would always end up saying something hurtful to me.. and its now progressed to him just monstering all the time now..

he really became verbally abusive with me and daughter in late Jan. of this year due to daughter asking a family friend to remove a photo of him and OW from her FB page.. daughter was not rude to family friend , but H went off the rails about it.. his verbal abuse has simply gotten worse and it seems to correlate with him being "caught " doing something with money. Like excessive withdrawals from the ATM.. his recent bonus which was over 10,000 short of what he said it would be..

It appears he is going into the "worse " of all this.. and i simply have to detach .. he has been with OW for 3 years now and i would think if he wanted to marry her he would have filed already.. or if he simply wanted to make a more solid commitment to her he would divorce me.. As far as I'm concerned OW has some very serious issues to be ok with this situation.

after he sent the text today i asked him since he has no plans to come home does he want to go through with a divorce , he just came back and said no, we are separated..i just don't know why he sent the text if he isn't moving forward with a divorce..I mean what was the point.. I will never sign a separation agreement with him,  due to the fact that it doesn't give me access to all his financial info.. i would be shooting myself if i did that.. its like he just wanted to get a reaction out of me today but i didn't give him  one, i just asked him very calmly about divorce, didn't fight with him, didn't blow up his phone.

I guess he just wanted to hurt me on Mother's Day..


Me-55
H - 55
Adult D- 35 ( our only child)
Married 37 yrs. married 33 yrs at time of BD
date of BD July 2015
OW- YES, 36 yr old Peruvian with a 67yr old son
H- moved out of our home in Oct 2015 & moved in with OW
H- says doesnt want divorce, wants long term separation. doesnt know what the future holds.
 H- Jan. 2017 he visits a fertility clinic.
 H - stopped seeing me in 2017.except for 3 emergency situations
 H- has introduced OW to his family and visits them often with OW.
 H- has introduced OW to a few of our friends.
 H- told me that OW does want him to divorce me and they have talked about getting married.
 Entering 2018. H has not filed for divorce.
He is still living with OW
 H & OW moved into a huge single family home in May 2018
 If you're going through Hell, keep going

Offline waiting4Topic starter

  • MLCer Type: Clinging Boomerang
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  • Tomorrow is another day..

 Unraveled,   My filing for adultery is open and sitting with the courts, its just been placed on hold.. He brought up " we have to divorce now, there is no other choice " about 2 months ago but has not retained an attorney , nor has he cross filed on his own.. when I asked him why he hasn't filed if he feels so strongly to do it he says he just keeps putting it off   :o

the times he is referring to  " coming home could have happened " were in 2016 and 2017..

the first time was in the late summer of 2016.. ( BD was summer of 2015) he started saying he missed me and was seriously considering coming home, but i couldnt push him.. he would come to the house , spend time with me, we would go to our cabin, we would talk on the phone etc.. but he continued to live with OW and take her around his family , go on vacations with her etc.  ???  bascially he was cake eating.. by Dec 2016 i was just at my wits end with it and told him i just could not see him under these circumstances anymore , that it was just to painful  :'(  he said i was pushing him.. then in Jan. 2017 i found out that he went to a fertility clinic with OW,  >:(  well, i was very upset with him over it and felt he had just been stringing me along  and i let him know how  upset and angry i was over it.. this incident was his reason for no longer seeing me.  so that was "his first " attempt to come home..  ::)

the second was in the late spring /early summer of 2017.. he started communicating with me again , said he was strongly considering coming back but to not push him  :o  things started to calm down between us but he was still living with OW , going on trips, etc.  >:(  i wasn't buying anything he said.. the week of july 4th he was calling me alot and being very sweet, i later learned that OW had planned a huge family reunion for him with his family and they went away together ( taking her son with them ) for a week .  >:( i lost my temper about it and he said i was pushing him and that put an end to that..

At no time has he "left " OW .. and he has gone out of his way to hide from her any and all communication  with me .

he views any time i disagree with him about things as "fighting " him.. he views any time i ask him anything  as "coming at him"

he says my not sharing him with her is me being difficult..
that my filing for divorce for adultery is me just being vindictive.
He says i have no right to question him what he spends money on because he doesn't question me ( I'm not having an affair , money i spend is on me or our daughter )

I thought things were calming down some going into the fall of 2017 but all of a sudden he stopped initiating contact in any way , and when I would contact him due to bills etc. he would always end up saying something hurtful to me.. and its now progressed to him just monstering all the time now..

he really became verbally abusive with me and daughter in late Jan. of this year due to daughter asking a family friend to remove a photo of him and OW from her FB page.. daughter was not rude to family friend , but H went off the rails about it.. his verbal abuse has simply gotten worse and it seems to correlate with him being "caught " doing something with money. Like excessive withdrawals from the ATM.. his recent bonus which was over 10,000 short of what he said it would be..

It appears he is going into the "worse " of all this.. and i simply have to detach .. he has been with OW for 3 years now and i would think if he wanted to marry her he would have filed already.. or if he simply wanted to make a more solid commitment to her he would divorce me.. As far as I'm concerned OW has some very serious issues to be ok with this situation.

after he sent the text today i asked him since he has no plans to come home does he want to go through with a divorce , he just came back and said no, we are separated..i just don't know why he sent the text if he isn't moving forward with a divorce..I mean what was the point.. I will never sign a separation agreement with him,  due to the fact that it doesn't give me access to all his financial info.. i would be shooting myself if i did that.. its like he just wanted to get a reaction out of me today but i didn't give him  one, i just asked him very calmly about divorce, didn't fight with him, didn't blow up his phone.

I also asked him " since you have no plans to come home where do you want me to forward anything that comes here for you ?
he replied no need to do that, I'm not changing my address on anything important.

so , he says he has no plans to come home but he isn't going to change his address for his medical bills, insurances etc.. and he isn't changing his drivers licenses .. what kind of game is he playing... why not have all his stuff go to his little love nest..if he can say to me " I have no plans to come home"

I guess he just wanted to hurt me on Mother's Day..
Me-55
H - 55
Adult D- 35 ( our only child)
Married 37 yrs. married 33 yrs at time of BD
date of BD July 2015
OW- YES, 36 yr old Peruvian with a 67yr old son
H- moved out of our home in Oct 2015 & moved in with OW
H- says doesnt want divorce, wants long term separation. doesnt know what the future holds.
 H- Jan. 2017 he visits a fertility clinic.
 H - stopped seeing me in 2017.except for 3 emergency situations
 H- has introduced OW to his family and visits them often with OW.
 H- has introduced OW to a few of our friends.
 H- told me that OW does want him to divorce me and they have talked about getting married.
 Entering 2018. H has not filed for divorce.
He is still living with OW
 H & OW moved into a huge single family home in May 2018
 If you're going through Hell, keep going

Online Milly

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Oh, Waiting, you and your D are going through a really stressful moment. You have a lot of stuff all at once and that will make it harder to know how to deal with your H.

He's been super monster right now. You know I know how that feels. Looking from the outside at your situation, I would say you would need to go very dark on him when he sends these bully emails. I feel that he's trying to put you in a ridiculous position of accepting everything he's doing and shut up or he will never come home. He's emotionally blackmailing you.

I know you have no intention of doing the things he wants you to do like letting him live in peace with OW to raise the chances that he might come back in the future, which is basically what he's insinuating, so do some 180s now. Cut down the contact. I know you don't want to go absolute NC and fair enough. When you receive one of these emails, keep your answer very brief like 'ok.' Or a new response I'm getting from my new boss 'noted.' Just means you have read his email.

Financially, you might need to protect yourself a little more. Since he seems to be hiding some of his earnings, this just shows that he has no intention of being fair with you. I don't believe he will get kinder about money with you. I suspect that if you allow him to not divulge everything, he will keep hiding more and more. I know that pursuing him legally is not what you want to do. I didn't want to either. If you don't push for disclosure on the finances, I do believe he could spend all your money sooner or later. If you pursue him about money, I would suspect he will become even worse monster wise. I imagine you fear that and I totally understand. It hurts so much when they tell us this exasperating stuff when they are monster.

There might be a time that you might have to become colder with him and might have to set some very big boundaries. It will make him worse for a while. He does seem to need to know that his anchor is there.  How about not letting him think it's always going to be there. You wouldn't need to say this outright, you could just appear to be not so interested in him. So don't answer him when he goes on about what you did wrong the previous times he was 'just' about to come home until 'you screwed up as usual.' I suspect he wants you to say something that shows you're still here waiting and working at getting it right next time. I would say don't even start to answer those emails. Just say ok, understood, noted, sorry you feel that way.
Married 1989, together since 1984 
BD May 2014,
D23, D20, S13
OW Physical Affair. He and she said she turned 34 the month of BD. She turned 50 last year.

Offline waiting4Topic starter

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  Thank you Milly.. I have no choice but to go completly dark on him.. he is emotionally blackmailing me and he has been for a long time. one of the "crazy making" things he does is refusing to give straight answers, delays giving an answer to a very simple question , or will not give an answer at all.. which causes me to lose my temper and blow up at him.. i have to take control of all this and do it now.. i am letting him win this physoclogical war..

i am getting to a  point where i dont care if he is happy, sad or angry.. i really dont care if has  peace or not.. after what he has done he doesnt deserve peace.

i feel like the more i have tried to keep the peace with him the more he has turned on me.. the more loving and understanding i have been seems to push him further away.. i dont know if that is just the crisis progressing or what..

i have had a change in my opinion of his relationship with OW..

I do not think he loves her.. i think he is using her..















« Last Edit: May 14, 2018, 12:47:48 AM by waiting4 »
Me-55
H - 55
Adult D- 35 ( our only child)
Married 37 yrs. married 33 yrs at time of BD
date of BD July 2015
OW- YES, 36 yr old Peruvian with a 67yr old son
H- moved out of our home in Oct 2015 & moved in with OW
H- says doesnt want divorce, wants long term separation. doesnt know what the future holds.
 H- Jan. 2017 he visits a fertility clinic.
 H - stopped seeing me in 2017.except for 3 emergency situations
 H- has introduced OW to his family and visits them often with OW.
 H- has introduced OW to a few of our friends.
 H- told me that OW does want him to divorce me and they have talked about getting married.
 Entering 2018. H has not filed for divorce.
He is still living with OW
 H & OW moved into a huge single family home in May 2018
 If you're going through Hell, keep going

Offline UrsaMajor

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Waiting,

I've been off for a long weekend in Germany but now that I am back...

Allow me to pretend to be Babbelfish a bit and do a quick MLC to real human being translation (I got really good at this with xW1 when she was in her years of Monsterdom).

Quote from: Waiting4
Text from H Today..

 I have told you many many times, that I have no  plans to come home.  should that change some day then it might happen. the behavior  you have had always ensured that it would never happen so at times in the past when it was possible your behavior changes that .


"I am not coming home ... ever... unless I change my mind.... and you better darn well be waiting for me if I decide to change my mind someday.
Your wanting to be fair and get information causes me to have to acknowledge the fact that I am, in fact, an a$$hat who is having an affair with some shag-nasty person and since I do NOT want to feel anything negative like guilt or responsibility, I am going to lash out at you like a teenage bully-boy.  In addition, I will obfuscate, hide, use double=-talk and vague generalities in in order to keep you off-balance and confused."

I want you to push for the divorce so I can continue to justify my rantings and telling everyone what a rotten lousy money-grubbing person you are... Even though I am cheating with regards to my income and assets as to make it look like I am a poor victim in this whole sordid affair... And if you won't push for the divorce, I won't either because then I can also keep you on the back burner for when my affair with OW flames out."


Only you can decide when you have had enough but Milly is 100% correct that he will continue to try to hide income, and be devious as long as you allow it.  The fact that he doesn't WANT to be held accountable for his actions (and monsters to get his way/uses emotional blackmail) is totally irrelevant to the fact that he IS accountable for his actions and should be held accountable. His Male bovine excrement statement about you not having any right to ask him about his spending is simple misdirection. By going back on the offensive, he hopes to keep you off-balance because he KNOWS his a$$ is in the fire because of what he is doing financially.

He will continue to play with you as long as you allow it. That is what Milly was talking about with the hard boundaries.

Quote from: Waiting4
he is emotionally blackmailing me and he has been for a long time. one of the "crazy making" things he does is refusing to give straight answers, delays giving an answer to a very simple question , or will not give an answer at all.. which causes me to lose my temper and blow up at him.. i have to take control of all this and do it now.. i am letting him win this psychological war..

Exactly. the battles that you occasionally "win" are, in fact, a Pyrrhic Victory. they are the tactical skirmishes in a strategic war, the 50-meter sprint in the Ultra-Marathon.  I don't know how the laws work where you are but it may very well be that the divorce is not a factor in pushing for financial disclosure - that can also be done as part of a separation so this may be an angle to take if you don't wish to persue the divorce... But you DO need to get yourself protected financially from his nonsense....

UM


Me - 54
MLC - 47
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S - 11
D - 7
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BD#1 - August 2015
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A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
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Offline Thunder

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Waiting I agree with everything UM just said. 

What you allow will be how he treats you.  It may be up to you to change the dymanics, or not.
With her permission, a quote from a recovered MLCer: 
From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did.

Offline Anjae

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Agree with Thunder and Ursa, time for you to change the dynamics.

As for your son-in-law he may have a number of issues connected with the damages he suffered on his job. A good doctor, with knowledge of his profession, may be of help. He needs professional help.

Not everything is FTD. In fact, many brain issues have nothing to do with it. And MLCer is certainly not that.
« Last Edit: May 15, 2018, 08:17:57 PM by Anjae »
Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together. (Marilyn Monroe)

Offline KeepItTogether

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I agree with UM and Thunder, especially UMs “translation” of Hs text.

I’ve been reading “The Prodical’s Perspective”. It’s written by a reformed Mlcer. A really good read and great insight as to what they are thinking while doing pretty terrible things. Anyway, one thing he said was that if an Mlcer ever says anything about “never coming home” to be grateful bc really this is them assuring themselves that their decision to leave was valid. And, more importantly, it shows that indeed they are struggling with that decision (both in leaving and staying away) bc they feel the need to make such a proclamation.

Anyway, it was something I thought of as I read your Hs text.

Stay strong friend. He’s a monstery monster indeed!
Me 46
H 45
S11
BD 5/16
H Moved out 6/16
OW--yes. Worked for H. EA turned into PA while I was in chemo.

Offline waiting4Topic starter

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  • Tomorrow is another day..

  Hello HS family..I've spent a few days at our cabin and  its been the best few days I have had in a very long time.. I threw myself into working ..I decided to tackle some of the grass cutting  on my own. I got the tractor started and knocked out 2 acres..I then called a local landscaper and met with him, telling him what I needed done and I made some serious decisions about the property all on my own, never once having H cross my mind..

I am exhausted.. every muscle in my body aches and I know for the first time in a very long time I will sleep soundly tonight.

I never once looked at my phone and it felt as if a weight had been removed from around my neck.

I joined the womens bookclub at church and we are reading  ' The Screwtape Letters"  by CS Lewis.  it is a good read and I have actually been able to focus  and I feel the passion I once had for reading is returning..

Ive been planning my nephews Birthday/graduation party.. I am going all out for my one and only nephew and I'm looking forward to this huge family event

I am now on the hosting/ greeting committee for our women's ministry at church, and I'm going to be  teaching Vacation Bible School .

I have a Kenny Chesney concert coming up soon , then a Jason Aldean concert to attend..

I take a photography class one evening a week. and my new job is working out great with 2 days a week.

I am also stopping by a local animal shelter when I can to play with the cats and take some fur babies on a walk..

I am getting on with life..i am tired of being sad..Nothing with H has changed, but I cant let his craziness destroy me.. I do not believe anything he says, weather its about him, OW or me.. if his lips are moving he's lying..if he comes home  he comes home, the door is open, I'm just not going to stand in the doorway looking for him anymore..

KIT.. I've been reading "the Prodigal's Perspective"...very enlightening ...

Daughter went in to talk to medical professional today.. she will meet with a new GP next week and a psychiatrist.. she really needs to just get all this out .. 

Keeping you all in my prayers  XXXX
Me-55
H - 55
Adult D- 35 ( our only child)
Married 37 yrs. married 33 yrs at time of BD
date of BD July 2015
OW- YES, 36 yr old Peruvian with a 67yr old son
H- moved out of our home in Oct 2015 & moved in with OW
H- says doesnt want divorce, wants long term separation. doesnt know what the future holds.
 H- Jan. 2017 he visits a fertility clinic.
 H - stopped seeing me in 2017.except for 3 emergency situations
 H- has introduced OW to his family and visits them often with OW.
 H- has introduced OW to a few of our friends.
 H- told me that OW does want him to divorce me and they have talked about getting married.
 Entering 2018. H has not filed for divorce.
He is still living with OW
 H & OW moved into a huge single family home in May 2018
 If you're going through Hell, keep going

Offline Thunder

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Hi waiting,

You sound so good, getting on with your life.

I'm so proud of you.   :)

You are not letting your MLCer, dictate your life in any way.
His miserable life is his to own.    :)


With her permission, a quote from a recovered MLCer: 
From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did.

Online Milly

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Following, Waiting, you seem to have made some great plans. I'm so pleased to hear you tackled the grounds work at your place without even considering your H. I think that's when we really begin to detach and it becomes about us, when we no longer include them in our decisions.

I hope you slept like a log!
Married 1989, together since 1984 
BD May 2014,
D23, D20, S13
OW Physical Affair. He and she said she turned 34 the month of BD. She turned 50 last year.

Offline FearNot

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Good for you Waiting! You have so much to look forward to and I am so glad that you have found some peace!
M 46
H 39
No Kids
Married 5yrs, Together 11yrs
BD Oct 31/17
ILYBINILWY Dec 21/17
2nd BD- Dec 27/17
OW-Confirmed Jan 3/17

 Isaiah 43:1 " But the Lord says.. Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have summoned you by name; you are mine. "

"It's ok to be scared. Being scared means you're about to do something really, really brave." Anonymous

Offline waiting4Topic starter

  • MLCer Type: Clinging Boomerang
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  • Tomorrow is another day..
  Received a text from H last night..

  one of his uncles died this week.. and again I am sitting here trying to figure out why he is telling me.

 I was kind and loving in my response.. I told him I knew this was very hard for him.. and I that I am here for him..

I feel  this is the core of what is wrong with him.. he can not deal with death, he is running..and my heart is breaking for him. I know he has to face all this on his own and deal with his feelings. this is a big part of his journey I think, he lost his parents as a child and I know he never dealt with that in a proper way..

Is this my chance? is this him peeking out of this very dark tunnel to see if I'm still here? to see how I will react/respond?

can I keep my emotions in check, can I be the light for him ? i know i have grown in this, my thoughts have been all about him and his pain . i did not ask if he went to the funeral , i didn't ask if OW was with him.. i no longer care if she is.. its him i am concerned about..in the past i would have made a snarky comment to him about OW.. i simply do not have it in me to do that ..so i have grown some in this craziness..

MY h is hurting and I want so much to run to him and hold him..
Me-55
H - 55
Adult D- 35 ( our only child)
Married 37 yrs. married 33 yrs at time of BD
date of BD July 2015
OW- YES, 36 yr old Peruvian with a 67yr old son
H- moved out of our home in Oct 2015 & moved in with OW
H- says doesnt want divorce, wants long term separation. doesnt know what the future holds.
 H- Jan. 2017 he visits a fertility clinic.
 H - stopped seeing me in 2017.except for 3 emergency situations
 H- has introduced OW to his family and visits them often with OW.
 H- has introduced OW to a few of our friends.
 H- told me that OW does want him to divorce me and they have talked about getting married.
 Entering 2018. H has not filed for divorce.
He is still living with OW
 H & OW moved into a huge single family home in May 2018
 If you're going through Hell, keep going

Offline Thunder

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That's because you are a loving, compassionate woman, waiting.  Of course it bothers you to think he is hurting.
It bothered me when my H went into his deep depressions, but I knew I couldn't help him or console him.
He had to be brave and ask me for help, if he needed it.

Until then it would have meant nothing to him.

He knows how much you care about him, that's why he called you.  I don't even think it was an anchor check.  He just knew he could reach out to you, that's a good thing.

Let him keep learning that.
With her permission, a quote from a recovered MLCer: 
From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did.

 

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