Author Topic: My Story My Story Isn't Over Yet 2  (Read 572 times)

Offline FearNotTopic starter

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My Story My Story Isn't Over Yet 2
« on: May 08, 2018, 07:38:07 AM »
Here we go again! Another new thread!!

This time I am going with a verse that stood out to me yesterday, as I really don't know what to pray for at this point and I feel weaker than I have in long time. It always amazes me what pops up though that relates to my situation.

Romans 8:26 "In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us through wordless groans."

Recap:
1st BD Oct 31/17
2nd BD Dec 27/17
H has been gone since December. Minimal contact really. H the process of moving into a basement suite rented from OW friend.

I'm in our home, we haven't been able to come to an agreement of how to deal with it. I've been to a L. I deal with nice H when OW isn't around and someone completely different when OW is answering for him. I have not had contact with most of his family since Feb (besides Gran and SIL). Yesterday I decided it was time to stop the social media crap, it hurt to much to see  BIL liking OW posts etc. I have removed H, his parents, SIL and BIL that I have no contact with and the friends that were mainly his brought into our R. I feel better about this. There is nothing I need to see there, and nothing that they need to see regarding me. Truthfully the amount of time spent on social media had drastically changed. I have tried to find more encouraging things to see like support groups, HS post, postivity etc.

I have taken a mental health day today. 2nd one since this has all happened. I look back and wonder how it is I showed up for work and functioned the days immediately after BD.  :o Yesterday and today are just tears, but I think they need to come out. I feel like, after these emails we've exchanged, the reality of how lost he is to me is very apparent. This is my time to grieve that. Let the tears flow, and perhaps move on to a new chapter.

Hugs N Prayers,
FN

Previous thread:  http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9941.0
« Last Edit: May 08, 2018, 08:28:46 AM by Thunder »
M 46
H 39
No Kids
Married 5yrs, Together 11yrs
BD Oct 31/17
ILYBINILWY Dec 21/17
2nd BD- Dec 27/17
OW-Confirmed Jan 3/17

 Isaiah 43:1 " But the Lord says.. Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have summoned you by name; you are mine. "

"It's ok to be scared. Being scared means you're about to do something really, really brave." Anonymous

Offline Helpingme!

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Re: My Story Isn't Over Yet 2
« Reply #1 on: May 08, 2018, 07:49:28 AM »
Following along FN. 
Yes, let them flow. That is good sometimes, and you WILL move on too another chapter.

Offline Thunder

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Re: My Story Isn't Over Yet 2
« Reply #2 on: May 08, 2018, 08:29:28 AM »
Welcome to your new thread, Fear.   :)
With her permission, a quote from a recovered MLCer: 
From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did.

Offline If_only

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Re: My Story Isn't Over Yet 2
« Reply #3 on: May 08, 2018, 09:29:37 AM »
FN- Smart about the social media - energy draining for sure!  Glad you cut yourself off it for the most part. I know you will do the right thing for you have God in your life and you will get an answer.
Sending you strong support !
Hugs If

Offline FearNotTopic starter

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Re: My Story Isn't Over Yet 2
« Reply #4 on: May 08, 2018, 02:13:00 PM »
Thank you my friends for the support. :)

Helpingme- I AM moving on to a new chapter  :D. Thank you for that!

Today I packed up the rest of his personal belongings (clothes, shoes, hats, his family pics), only things that were strictly his. Nothing that we accumulated while together. They are waiting for him in the garage. He can take them or leave them, his choice, but it was time. I no longer need to see these things daily. Initially it felt good to still have his clothes in the closet, like any day he might be back. That's not going to happen. Time to let go. Let the empty space be empty for now. For him maybe a reality check that, this isn't a joke anymore, but most likely not in his muddled MLC brain.

I am going to reply to his email. It will be short and to the point. That he was unclear as to whether or not he wanted to sit down and do the minutes of settlement. I am willing to work with him on this, his initial email he had asked to sit down and document things ourselves, then he'd have it drafted up and our legal representatives would have us sign off on it. The minutes of settlement is just that, with a ball park cost. I plan on saying if he wants to go the the bank to see if they will approve him as a solo lender, it something that we will do together (it will give me an idea of his actual debt). This does not mean that I am 100% agreeing to this, but am willing to entertain the option. The proper legal documents would have to be in place. I won't be leaving the marital home in the meantime. Here's the name of my lawyer if you prefer to have your legal team deal directly through her. Please let me know when you plan on coming for your stuff and what you intend to take. Perhaps it can be ready and waiting for you in the garage for ease of moving.

If I get no where with this, then I will seriously look at retaining the L. That's about all I can do. The ball is in his court.

Funny enough I was made aware today (barely off social media 48 hours yet the info finds it way) that OW is turning 40 as well ( I really thought she was older, not to be mean, but she looks more mature ::)). It makes me wonder with her situation if she too isn't MLC (cheating, still living with H, abandoning children, taking the place of a W with a man on trip initially planned with said W within days of him walking out). Does that mean it's double the fun for them, because they are both in it?!?! :o Does it affect they way things actually happen? Is it normal for them to go find another MLC'er, who's just as loony tunes as they are? Would it maybe, help things implode? Or drag this crap out because they are both in the same fog? I guess there's no way to really know.

Hugs N Prayers,
FN
M 46
H 39
No Kids
Married 5yrs, Together 11yrs
BD Oct 31/17
ILYBINILWY Dec 21/17
2nd BD- Dec 27/17
OW-Confirmed Jan 3/17

 Isaiah 43:1 " But the Lord says.. Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have summoned you by name; you are mine. "

"It's ok to be scared. Being scared means you're about to do something really, really brave." Anonymous

Offline Thunder

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Re: My Story Isn't Over Yet 2
« Reply #5 on: May 08, 2018, 02:30:27 PM »
Oh hon, I know you're trying your best to make this work, but I just don't see him agreeing to anything you suggest.

Do you really think his ow is going to allow him to go to the bank with you??  By himself??!

His initial plan was to sit down and document things together.  Do you seriously think she will let him out of her sight to sit with his wife?  By himself??!
I just don't see either thing happening, but I hope I'm wrong.

I'm just glad you packed all his things, it really is a relief after you get them out of you line of vision every day.  Good for you.   :)
With her permission, a quote from a recovered MLCer: 
From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did.

Offline FearNotTopic starter

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Re: My Story Isn't Over Yet 2
« Reply #6 on: May 08, 2018, 04:06:59 PM »
Thunder, I fully expect him to disagree to it all, but I am going to offer. I don't expect that he will sit down (even though it was his idea in the beginning) being that OW needs to have her hand in all of it. All it is is agreeing to his initial suggestion. As for the bank, the lawyer suggested that, all I can do is throw it at him. Maybe if he's desperate enough for it, he'll agree, either way, I tried. Being she has her manipulative little talons in him pretty deep, I don't see it happening either. Once that recourse is final, then L it will be and she can gather her little legal team, only to realize he really will have nothing to offer her monetarily.

It does feel good to have packed up his stuff.  :) I feel like I gained a little control by doing so.
M 46
H 39
No Kids
Married 5yrs, Together 11yrs
BD Oct 31/17
ILYBINILWY Dec 21/17
2nd BD- Dec 27/17
OW-Confirmed Jan 3/17

 Isaiah 43:1 " But the Lord says.. Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have summoned you by name; you are mine. "

"It's ok to be scared. Being scared means you're about to do something really, really brave." Anonymous

Offline Kitty

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Re: My Story Isn't Over Yet 2
« Reply #7 on: May 08, 2018, 06:08:51 PM »
Following along FN.
Me 37; H 41
Together 20 years; married 11.5
No kids, no pets
BD #1 Late October 2017 - H says he feels like he is living with a room mate at times (ILYBINILWY) and has considered separation.
BD #2 12/22/17 - Day after legal separation signed, I find out about OW after H said there wasn't one.

"Let the past die. Kill it, if you have to. It's the only way for you to become what you are meant to be." Kylo Ren - Star Wars: The Last Jedi

Offline Thunder

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Re: My Story Isn't Over Yet 2
« Reply #8 on: May 08, 2018, 06:22:38 PM »
Yes you have Fear.

Any control you can gain is good.
With her permission, a quote from a recovered MLCer: 
From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did.

Offline moc

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Re: My Story Isn't Over Yet 2
« Reply #9 on: May 08, 2018, 08:12:07 PM »
jumping on board FN.  Glad you packed up his stuff.  I might take that suggestion soon as my MLCer W is BD same time frame as yours.  Take care of yourself.
M: 47
W: 45
S15 & S11 [from MLCer1]
BD#1: 9/2017
BD#2: 11/2017
no D filed, not seeking action at this time
Separated: 12/2017
OM: EAs up to at least 5 now.  Not sure on PAs.

Offline Reinventing

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Re: My Story Isn't Over Yet 2
« Reply #10 on: May 08, 2018, 11:41:34 PM »
The ball is in his court.

Remember to mentally keep the mindset that the ball is in your court as much as possible.

You have more power than you think.

Offline Schratz66

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Re: My Story Isn't Over Yet 2
« Reply #11 on: May 09, 2018, 07:11:01 AM »
Still following along Fear.
You could be right that OW is having her own MLC - as I suspect with my H's woman.
I am not sure if it will extend or shorten the duration of their R, but I try not to focus on that because just having the OW leave might not mean they will come home.

You are doing great Fear amidst the upheaval of everything around you.
Me 50
H 49
AD 20 from previous R
Known H since 1993
Together since 2000
BD 06/21/2017
OW High School Sweetheart lives 4 hrs away

Offline FearNotTopic starter

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Re: My Story Isn't Over Yet 2
« Reply #12 on: May 09, 2018, 09:28:36 AM »
Moc- I think we know when it's time  :). Your gut will tell you, mine sure did.

Reinvent- Thank you for the reminder. It is so easy to forget.

S66- I agree with you. The monkey brain got me yesterday! But you are absolutely correct!! Eyes off of them. Their is no point!

Update
So last night, I struggled and struggled with actually sending the email. I revised, I re read it. Revised it. Closed the email, opened the email, but I just couldn't send it.

This morning I messaged H to tell him that I have arranged for our house insurance to go month to month as he requested. He messaged back saying thanks and that he will be doing a separation agreement up in the next couple weeks, will forward it to me, we can hammer out details, and once agreed on inclusions he will have the formal copy made for us to sign by L's. I will see what he will be putting in that, and be passing it on to my L before I agree to anything.

I asked if he would mind letting me know what he was intending on picking up next week. His answer... his mail!! :o.  It's in hopes that we will figure this stuff out "reasonably soon" and he isn't really around much until the end of June. Not sure what happened there? But not going to worry about it! Not sure what the reaction will be when he sees all his stuff in the garage, but not going to worry about that either.

I think there was a reason for both the email not being sent, and for me packing up his stuff!!

Hugs N Prayers,
FN
M 46
H 39
No Kids
Married 5yrs, Together 11yrs
BD Oct 31/17
ILYBINILWY Dec 21/17
2nd BD- Dec 27/17
OW-Confirmed Jan 3/17

 Isaiah 43:1 " But the Lord says.. Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have summoned you by name; you are mine. "

"It's ok to be scared. Being scared means you're about to do something really, really brave." Anonymous

Offline Kitty

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Re: My Story Isn't Over Yet 2
« Reply #13 on: May 09, 2018, 09:34:27 AM »
You're right, I think there was a reason for you not to send the email. You got this FN!
Me 37; H 41
Together 20 years; married 11.5
No kids, no pets
BD #1 Late October 2017 - H says he feels like he is living with a room mate at times (ILYBINILWY) and has considered separation.
BD #2 12/22/17 - Day after legal separation signed, I find out about OW after H said there wasn't one.

"Let the past die. Kill it, if you have to. It's the only way for you to become what you are meant to be." Kylo Ren - Star Wars: The Last Jedi

Offline Thunder

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Re: My Story Isn't Over Yet 2
« Reply #14 on: May 09, 2018, 09:37:00 AM »
What did he mean by "his mail?"
With her permission, a quote from a recovered MLCer: 
From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did.

Offline FearNotTopic starter

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Re: My Story Isn't Over Yet 2
« Reply #15 on: May 09, 2018, 11:00:32 AM »
All he plans on coming to get next week is his postal mail instead of stuff for his new semi permanent residence like he stated in his email.It's still being delivered to our address. I had let him know over a week ago that he had some stuff come.
M 46
H 39
No Kids
Married 5yrs, Together 11yrs
BD Oct 31/17
ILYBINILWY Dec 21/17
2nd BD- Dec 27/17
OW-Confirmed Jan 3/17

 Isaiah 43:1 " But the Lord says.. Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have summoned you by name; you are mine. "

"It's ok to be scared. Being scared means you're about to do something really, really brave." Anonymous

Offline Thunder

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Re: My Story Isn't Over Yet 2
« Reply #16 on: May 09, 2018, 11:33:15 AM »
So he expects to just use your house as a storage unit for his stuff?   :-\

I just hope you have all his stuff in the garage.  At least you don't need to look at it, huh?
With her permission, a quote from a recovered MLCer: 
From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did.

Offline FearNotTopic starter

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Re: My Story Isn't Over Yet 2
« Reply #17 on: May 09, 2018, 11:54:39 AM »
Apparently, yes?!?! But he was supposed to be moving and needing stuff?!?! But maybe she has everything or maybe he's not moving. I really don't know, either way I am glad that I don't have to deal with him hauling stuff out when I'm not home (yet).

Yup, it's in the garage.

He will walk by it when he comes through the garage to come into the house to get his mail. Maybe he'll notice, or maybe he'll think "Gee she has a lot of garbage (it's all in garbage bags)... but wait a minute, that's my suit?"  ;) ;D. I highly doubt that he would expect me to empty his half the closet and drawers, shoes, coats, hats etc. Good luck finding anything in those bags as well, if he ends up needing  something.
M 46
H 39
No Kids
Married 5yrs, Together 11yrs
BD Oct 31/17
ILYBINILWY Dec 21/17
2nd BD- Dec 27/17
OW-Confirmed Jan 3/17

 Isaiah 43:1 " But the Lord says.. Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have summoned you by name; you are mine. "

"It's ok to be scared. Being scared means you're about to do something really, really brave." Anonymous

Offline FearNotTopic starter

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Re: My Story Isn't Over Yet 2
« Reply #18 on: May 10, 2018, 12:29:58 PM »
Journaling/Randomness

Not much to report today. Emotionally I am in a better place. I do feel removing his items gave me some closure I needed. This weekend my mom is coming, so that will be good. We don't have much planned. We usually go buy all my plants for my pots (I have a ton) but I won't be doing that this year, due to the uncertainty of our living situation. :'(  I don't want to go and drop the money on plants and then have the possibility of having to move and deal with them, or leave them behind. The joy of living in limbo!

I also have been considering joining a ladies golf league. I love to golf, but it was something I've always done with H. I've maybe golfed 3 times without him. It makes me incredibly sad to think of doing it without him. It was always our thing! We couldn't wait for the first round of the season to happen. Now it just makes me feel like there's a rock in my chest when I think of it. There's a big part of me that is scared to do it without him, but I don't want to give up something that I enjoy so much because of the fear. My aim is terrible and he's always been the one to guide me, but maybe without him I'll have to rely on myself and get it worked out, or spend all my time in the bushes looking for my ball. :( I've been thinking a lot about how/who I could golf with and this might be my answer, as well as a good opportunity to meet other lady golfers. I guess if I can roll into some strangers house, where I knew nobody to learn a card game I had no idea about it, I can show up at a golf course and play a round with unknown peeps. At least I know how to play! The rational part of me says, save every dime for the L, you're gonna need it!! :-\

All part of moving forward...
M 46
H 39
No Kids
Married 5yrs, Together 11yrs
BD Oct 31/17
ILYBINILWY Dec 21/17
2nd BD- Dec 27/17
OW-Confirmed Jan 3/17

 Isaiah 43:1 " But the Lord says.. Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have summoned you by name; you are mine. "

"It's ok to be scared. Being scared means you're about to do something really, really brave." Anonymous

Offline If_only

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Re: My Story Isn't Over Yet 2
« Reply #19 on: May 10, 2018, 09:55:53 PM »
FN- so glad your mom is coming to visit this weekend and I so hope you enjoy the visit. I know gardening is so relaxing - next year for sure.  Great idea on the golf -  That is such a great example of GAL - keep up the good work - you are doing so well ! 😊
Hugs: IF


Offline Schratz66

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Re: My Story Isn't Over Yet 2
« Reply #20 on: May 11, 2018, 05:17:59 AM »
Glad your mom is coming for a visit.
I’m sorry about you not being able to do your flowers this year, yes, living in limbo is awesome, isn’t it.
Your solution to the golfing sounds like a great plan. It won’t be the same as with your H, but I am sure you will make new friends.
Isn’t it just amazing what all is affected by our H’s crisis ?
They have no idea how their choices affect every inch of our life.
Me 50
H 49
AD 20 from previous R
Known H since 1993
Together since 2000
BD 06/21/2017
OW High School Sweetheart lives 4 hrs away

Offline Thunder

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Re: My Story Isn't Over Yet 2
« Reply #21 on: May 11, 2018, 05:35:51 AM »
Fear, I'm glad your mom is coming but I wouldn't worry about buying some plants.  Just don't get a lot of them.  You deserve some nice plants around you.  Pick ones you an easily move, or annuals you won't have to worry about.

A lady's golf league?  That's a wonderful idea.  You go out there and have fun with no fears.  You could make some nice new friends.   :)
With her permission, a quote from a recovered MLCer: 
From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did.

Offline Kitty

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Re: My Story Isn't Over Yet 2
« Reply #22 on: May 11, 2018, 05:49:15 AM »
I would still get some plants FN, maybe just not as many as previous years. I still need to find something to do over the summer. Grumpy and I use to go to the races, but I have this slight fear of running into him and OW while I'm there.
Me 37; H 41
Together 20 years; married 11.5
No kids, no pets
BD #1 Late October 2017 - H says he feels like he is living with a room mate at times (ILYBINILWY) and has considered separation.
BD #2 12/22/17 - Day after legal separation signed, I find out about OW after H said there wasn't one.

"Let the past die. Kill it, if you have to. It's the only way for you to become what you are meant to be." Kylo Ren - Star Wars: The Last Jedi

Offline FearNotTopic starter

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Re: My Story Isn't Over Yet 2
« Reply #23 on: May 11, 2018, 08:13:49 AM »
Thank you If, S66, Thunder! It seems I have an all or nothing mentality on so many things, and I need to work on that. I think it is a good idea to plant some in moderation  :). As for the golf league, I'm still mulling it over, but it seems the perfect solution to my situation. Just got to bite the bullet on it.

Kitty - I hope you find something that you really enjoy. I can understand your fear of running into them. That is my worst nightmare.

I am super happy my mom is coming this weekend. I need a little mom time. I just feel bad that it seems like she ends up coming when I am at my emotional worst.  ???

Journaling/Randomness - Warning... might be a little "Jesus-us -ey"I know it's not everybody's deal  :D and I can respect that!

So since BD happened one of the things that I pray for on a regular basis for my H, is that God will put people in his path that will lead him to finding his faith/salvation again (he was raised in faith) and those that are contributing to his life in a negative way will be removed.

SIL has been a huge instrument in my journey of faith and our relationship has really changed because of it. SIL has been struggling with what H is doing and has been very angry/confused about her relationship with him due to his choices. Originally in our conversations SIL had said that OW would never be welcome in her house or accepted until D papers were done.

She has been praying about it a lot and keeps being lead back to how Jesus loves all sinners, and that we are not to be the judges. We should look at all people through God's eyes and show agape love. She reached out to H and invited them to dinner. SIL feels that she is supposed to do this, that she needs to be open to her B and OW. He accepted, but they haven't set a date, as H and OW are very busy.

Initially, I was really upset over this, actually borderline devastated. But the more I think about it, the more I think maybe there is a reason for it. Maybe it is an answer to my prayer? And sometimes we don't like the way prayers are answered, and this might be one of those times, but I need to look past it. Maybe she's on of those people to be in H and OW path, like she was in mine?

I have been fortunate that in this journey,  I have had prayers answered, and not always in the way I was expecting and this might be yet another example of that.

Hugs N Prayers,
FN
M 46
H 39
No Kids
Married 5yrs, Together 11yrs
BD Oct 31/17
ILYBINILWY Dec 21/17
2nd BD- Dec 27/17
OW-Confirmed Jan 3/17

 Isaiah 43:1 " But the Lord says.. Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have summoned you by name; you are mine. "

"It's ok to be scared. Being scared means you're about to do something really, really brave." Anonymous

Offline Thunder

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Re: My Story Isn't Over Yet 2
« Reply #24 on: May 11, 2018, 08:31:13 AM »
I don't know, Fear.

I think you can be a loving person or non judgmental without intentionally, going out of your way to invite them somewhere.
That to me isn't being kind, it's accepting.  I just feel they do not have to be accepted, he's a married man committing Adultery, which is a sin.  Doesn't mean you have to hate them, just not condone what they are doing.

God can judge and punish if he wants to, but we should also follow are hearts on what is acceptable and what isn't, for us.
We have to live with our conscience.  We have no control on what others think is acceptable.

But that just my humble opinion.  If you see it differently, I applaud you.   :)
With her permission, a quote from a recovered MLCer: 
From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did.

Offline FearNotTopic starter

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Re: My Story Isn't Over Yet 2
« Reply #25 on: May 11, 2018, 09:24:32 AM »
 I can agree with you have said as well Thunder. I like to hear other opinions. That's the beauty of this place!!

 It does feel like acceptance in some ways because it is a sin and it shouldn't be condoned, and we can do that in a loving way, without hatred.

That's why I am questioning it. Maybe it's an answer, maybe it isn't. Maybe I'm telling myself it's answer because SIL is still struggling with it and I feel bad for her and it might give her relief. I don't feel that I have the same anger towards H that she does, but I also have HS and know that so many of his actions are "MLC normal". She still just sees it as so out of character for him. The one thing I do know, is there is no point in me being devastated over it. I can't control others choices and our R will have to be separate from this choice, whichever way it goes.
M 46
H 39
No Kids
Married 5yrs, Together 11yrs
BD Oct 31/17
ILYBINILWY Dec 21/17
2nd BD- Dec 27/17
OW-Confirmed Jan 3/17

 Isaiah 43:1 " But the Lord says.. Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have summoned you by name; you are mine. "

"It's ok to be scared. Being scared means you're about to do something really, really brave." Anonymous

Offline FamilyIsMyGoal

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Re: My Story Isn't Over Yet 2
« Reply #26 on: May 11, 2018, 11:40:57 AM »
Yay!  I found your new thread! 

The closet thing... that was so hard for me.  But I did it and now I have a roomy closet!  Then I totally redid my bedroom in pink and glitter, lol.  I have NEVER been a pink and glitter girl, but for some reason it just felt right.

A friend of mine (who ended up reconciling btw) told me that when she really felt like she had to say goodbye because his behavior was so bad at that point, she "lovingly and neatly packed all his things in boxes, organized and labeled them".  She said it felt like she was having a funeral for her husband.  She was devastated doing it. Then she took all the boxes to a storage unit, paid one month's rent, let her H know where it all was and told him if he wants it, he will have to get it or pay the rent.  She said it was the most difficult thing she ever did, but in the end it was right for her.  Sometimes we just have to really move through the pain to come out the other side.

I love your Jesus-y attitude towards the situation with your SIL.  I agree with you about the prayers being answered.  That makes sense to me.  And I would also be 100% devastated to first learn of it.  But it really sounds like your SIL, may be the one good influence on him right now.  I think you are awesome!  It is one of those tweeners though.  I can truly see both sides of this.  I love your prayer.  I'm going to start saying that prayer for my H too. 
Divorce Bomb August 6, 2017
Married 19 years
Together 22 years
Physically separated - he's 15 miles away
Two Teenage boys
Me: 54
H 58
OW? I don't know - probably plural

Offline If_only

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Re: My Story Isn't Over Yet 2
« Reply #27 on: May 11, 2018, 10:17:34 PM »
FN-  I’m here strongly supporting you!!! I know you are doing everything right.
Not being devastated is smart and it will keep you  positive in moving forward!
I do have an opinion on it for consideration. I am sure you have leaned on your SIL
for support in the past few months. I too feel you are not angry and I am the same.
One day my kids will be meeting up with h and ow as well and I hope to have the strength and grace to deal with it in a positive manner
However, if you have leaned on your SIL during the past few months and she feels driven to have h and ow over to dinner- I think that is pushing the limits.Having her brother over is fine.  You have not been separated all that long- he is committing adultery - and if she would just respect your marriage to wait it out would be better. Everyone can spin what they wish for reasons on why she would do that and I see no good coming out of that dinner for your marriage. I do know we need to accept people with flaws and sinners and I am good with that. This time next year maybe but this soon seems to be too soon. I can see you may have questions about ow and your SIL may make the situation worse by condoning the R and also reporting back to you. It will be difficult for you not to wonder. It is only human.
So since we cannot control anyone but ourselves, and your SIL goes ahead with the dinner- maybe this is the time to back away from confiding to her etc. as the whole thing may be hurtful to you.  Maybe it is wise to keep things positive with her but thinking the limiting of conversations about h might keep you feeling positive and  strong. Big hugs !! iF xx
« Last Edit: May 11, 2018, 10:20:50 PM by If_only »

Offline FearNotTopic starter

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Re: My Story Isn't Over Yet 2
« Reply #28 on: May 14, 2018, 12:06:43 PM »
Thanks for joining/supporting Family! I can't say that I "lovingly" packed his stuff. Lol. SIL does seem to be the only positive influence on him at this point. Glad you like the prayer!

Thank you IF- I agree, it does seem too soon. It's not even 6 months since he walked out. I feel like I would be more open to it if it was further down the line, but I am trying to be accepting of the fact that I can't control what others do.  I think you are correct in that conversation needs to be limited regarding H as well, especially if this takes place. I am hoping that I can meet up with SIL, and maybe have a face to face convo about this now that I've had some time to process it. I think you will certainly have the grace and strength to deal with your situation when it arises.

I do waffle on whether or not it might be God's plan or not. I'm saying my prayers of course. Might be that she is uncomfortable with continuing to stand up for what her beliefs are and fears she will compromise her relationship with her B for good. Regardless, it's out of my control.

Journaling/Randomness

It was really great to have my mom come and stay. I really needed that. I do feel bad that I was so emotional the entire time she was there. She had a hard time leaving and I felt terrible for adding to that.

We did get some flowers! Yay! They are all planted. Thank you for the support and encouragement to do this. I am glad that I did.

I did join the ladies golf league this morning, booked my first tee time next  week!! Nervous but excited!

I did message H's gran and mom, Happy Mother's Day. I struggled with it (not Gran) because I have not heard hide nor hair from the rest of his family since February, but I felt it was the right thing to do. At least I go back a "Thank You" which was more than I was expecting. Gran sent a short, chatty message.

That not so good this weekend. My cousin who has been a huge support to me had a situation this weekend. Long story short, her BF has been arrested ( she wasn't home when it went down) and charged with assault (police did it, as she wouldn't), there's a no contact order, and he is facing numerous charges including resisting arrest, uttering threats to police etc. A friend of her BF actually called the cops as he was afraid for her safety, due to the texts her BF was sending him. I spent yesterday afternoon/evening with her. Cleaned up all sorts of broken glass as he flipped out and broke a bunch of stuff (she wasn't in the home, thank you God!!). She has some bruises and abrasions, and is completely overwhelmed mentally. She's been put in touch with victim services and has been reading the info etc. I don't think she has really processed it all, of course. He has a drinking problem (this was identified a while ago, the usual story of "I'll reign it in"). This isn't the first time it's gotten heated (I've witnessed that before), apparently first time he's gotten physical.  He needed clothes, and work stuff from the home. Police said to use a third party so I took him his stuff last night. He text me after to say he wouldn't cause anymore trouble for her. I told him he needs to get his situation sorted out, find himself some help. My heart breaks for them both!! Such a long journey ahead for each of them, whether together or separate. Crazily enough, my mom and I were talking about them the night prior to all this, and I had said who much he reminds me of my ex, and I wasn't sure if it was in a good or bad way. I guess, I figured that part out now.

I've stood in her shoes and it so difficult.The crap it does to your mind and feeling so torn.The bruises and abrasions heal quickly, it's the inside that takes so long. I just don't get why there is so much brokenness everywhere? Why as people, we struggle so hard to treat each other with decency and respect? I know of more broken relationships than intact ones. It's like the new norm. The positive...as much as I dislike the feelings it brings up in me, I know it makes me more capable of empathy for them both, and to be able to support her in a compassionate, productive way. She's surrounded by anger from friends and family (natural reaction of course) but not always what you're wanting to hear at that time. It's so sad.  :'(
M 46
H 39
No Kids
Married 5yrs, Together 11yrs
BD Oct 31/17
ILYBINILWY Dec 21/17
2nd BD- Dec 27/17
OW-Confirmed Jan 3/17

 Isaiah 43:1 " But the Lord says.. Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have summoned you by name; you are mine. "

"It's ok to be scared. Being scared means you're about to do something really, really brave." Anonymous

Offline If_only

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Re: My Story Isn't Over Yet 2
« Reply #29 on: May 14, 2018, 09:31:33 PM »
FN
So glad you signed up for the women’s golf and got some plants.😊
Also - although emotional - glad you had your mom this weekend.
Glad your cousin has been in your life for support and glad you can be there
for her now as that is heartbreakening but serious. I hope they both get some help
to deal with their lives.
There is so much negative energy in the world and not enough happiness and kindness.
To better days ahead! Big hugs and support! If







Offline Whyus

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Re: My Story Isn't Over Yet 2
« Reply #30 on: May 14, 2018, 11:01:49 PM »
Hi FN,

when I found out that BIL had met OM I was devistated. I felt so betrayed all over again. Its been 6 months since I found out and I have only exchanged "Hi's" with him since. It is such a shame because we got on really well for over 20 years, he was great the first 11 months after BD. This is my Problem alone but its how I deal with it. I have always been able to just "drop" People who have done me wrong in the past without hesitation, why cant I just do that with W???

I few weeks back W dropped OM on the Family at S20s birthday, her plan totally backfired on her and she has done even more damage to her R with her Boys/Parents. I totally lost it when I found out and couldnt get out of bed the next day. She can be glad that S18 and FIL werent there, it may have got messy.

I dont know what im trying to say but having Family members "Support" the BS is heart breaking, its as though they give it theyre Blessing and confirms to the MLCer that he/she did the right Thing ... its a difficult one for sure.

I love that you started playing golf again... your doing great... I packed Ws stuff in black bags too  :o
Married - 19,5 Years pre BD
Together - 21,5 Years
Me: 44
W: 44
BD 1: 10.01.2017
BD 2: 24.02.2017 OM 28. Trainings partner. Still together
2 Sons - 18 & 19
2 Dogs and a cat.
Own home . Sold!
Divorce Filed
T1  http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8671.0
T10. http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9547.0

Offline FearNotTopic starter

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Re: My Story Isn't Over Yet 2
« Reply #31 on: May 15, 2018, 07:56:36 AM »
Thank you IF for your continued support!! Big hugs to you!

Whyus- Thank you for your support! It does feel like a betrayal and it is heart breaking to have their family member that has supported to you to a fault, turn tail and meet the OP!!  I am so very thankful that it hasn't occurred as of yet, and I am praying about  God's plan in it and the strength to deal, should it happen. I think that sometimes their family might find it easier to just accept vs. stand up for what is "right" for fear of losing the MLC'er completely. I am sorry that you lost your BIL over this, maybe down the road there is hope for a R with him. I wish I had an answer as to how to "drop" the W! I guess that's what happens when we love and are committed to the bat snot crazy MLC'ers  ;). At least her plan failed at the birthday. I think we are all familiar with the feeling of being so lost, overwhelmed and saddened that we shut down for a day  (sometimes more). I think we need to do that once in a while. The key is not to stay there! Hang in there Whyus! I'm rooting for ya!

I think perhaps we should come up with a line of LBS branded things. LBS packing boxes, black garbage bags (these seem like they'd be a top seller), maybe a magic 8 ball to give to the MLC'er since they can never make a decision? Maybe a can of room spray to cover up the smell of BS, that tends to take over sometimes? I am sure there are a ton of products we could come up with. Lol.  Feel free to toss some ideas out there! I am sure there are some good ones  ;D

Journaling/ Randomness

Not much to report here. I have been hanging with my cousin. Helping her out with a few things. Work has slowed down a little. Allergies are killing me. Tis the season. I'm thinking I should start watering the lawn, while H is still paying that bill. It only makes sense, should it come down to selling, we would want a nice lawn ::)

It dawned on me the other day that I have not seen H since January! Perhaps I have a vanisher on my hands? I haven't heard from H as of yet regarding his separation agreement, nor has he made contact to pick up his mail. I count these as  blessings, since everyday that passes is a day I spend in our home, one more day my flowers get to grow, one more day that I get to grow and one more day of MLC passed.

Hugs and Prayers my fellow HS peeps!
FN
M 46
H 39
No Kids
Married 5yrs, Together 11yrs
BD Oct 31/17
ILYBINILWY Dec 21/17
2nd BD- Dec 27/17
OW-Confirmed Jan 3/17

 Isaiah 43:1 " But the Lord says.. Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have summoned you by name; you are mine. "

"It's ok to be scared. Being scared means you're about to do something really, really brave." Anonymous

Offline FaithWalker

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Re: My Story Isn't Over Yet 2
« Reply #32 on: May 15, 2018, 12:31:53 PM »
Attaching FN.  It takes me a while to get caught up, but I always do!   ;D
M-39
H-42
S-17
D-15
S-12
Friends for 7 years before dating
Married for 14 years
BD 12/14/15 - 2 weeks after 14th anniversary
Divorce final 4/13/16
EA - 9/15-4/16
New GF 12/16
Engaged to her 6/17 (I found out 8/10/17)
Moved to her State 4 States away - 7/13/17
Engagement off 8/20/17
Moved back to our State 8/24/17
Joined POF within the first month back


Link to my journey: 
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9907.0#new

"Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass... it's about learning to dance in the rain."

"Never become a container for bitterness.  Bitterness is a toxin that destroys what it's carried in."

"Sometimes -- some things have to break all apart so better things can be built."

Offline FearNotTopic starter

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Re: My Story Isn't Over Yet 2
« Reply #33 on: May 15, 2018, 02:07:13 PM »
Hi FW! Thanks for attaching! It's tough to keep up with it all!

So once again H has decided to come get the mail while I am not home. Surprise! Surprise! Lol. Avoid much?

I am preparing myself for the possibility of H being a little upset by his stuff being placed neatly out in the garage  ::). I guess me not being there will give him the opportunity to go see his half of the empty closets and drawers, as well as the changes in decor.

Makes me sad that he puts so much effort into avoiding me, but that just makes him a normal MLC'er.  :-\
M 46
H 39
No Kids
Married 5yrs, Together 11yrs
BD Oct 31/17
ILYBINILWY Dec 21/17
2nd BD- Dec 27/17
OW-Confirmed Jan 3/17

 Isaiah 43:1 " But the Lord says.. Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have summoned you by name; you are mine. "

"It's ok to be scared. Being scared means you're about to do something really, really brave." Anonymous

Offline FearNotTopic starter

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Re: My Story Isn't Over Yet 2
« Reply #34 on: May 16, 2018, 08:16:20 AM »
So I received H's idea of the separation agreement that he (OW) drafted up an hour after he picked up his mail from our house. My initial thought was to send it to the lawyer but it is so ridiculous that I'm not sure I want to start dishing out money paying for a response to this nonsense, which he wants a response to by Friday. It is a internet document that the blanks have been filled in on. In his email he states that he doesn't include the pensions etc, we can deal with that later. He also "forgot" the down payment AGAIN. Lol. His separation agreement has him taking on the full mortgage and the line of credit, but he withholds the amount that would be my half of the line of credit from his pension to cover it (yes, the pension that is not listed in the document). Initially in the email he refers to himself as I and by the end of it becomes "H". They clearly forgot to put it into first person throughout, when OW wrote it.  ::)

I did glean a little info as to his debt, which is good, IF he's being truthful.  ::), it's better than I was expecting. He asks for what a 16 year old would like when moving into a home. Leave the appliances, Surround system, a Big TV ( All 3 are big in my opinion), chairs to sit by the fire, patio umbrella, and his Pampered Chef Bamboo Cutting board that I bought him for his birthday at least 8 years ago ???. Oh Ya.. and his tools and sporting equipment. So... I guess he wouldn't want knives to go with said cutting board, or the BBQ, his smoker, maybe the lawnmower for taking care of the property? It honestly is laughable. <Shaking head>

He also mentioned that he wants to sit down in person to discuss this! His words were "in person discussion so we can get this settled the most amicably and expeditious way possible." ( those are words that H would never use, lol) I would be willing to do this. I have not seen him since the beginning of the year, and I feel like it is very easy for him to do this without having to look me in the eye. Perhaps it's time for a reminder of what your W looks like?!?! I would rather speak with him in person, without the OW, yakking in his ear, and editing his responses. I highly doubt that he will follow through in meeting me, but who knows.

He also threatened that he will no longer be paying the mortgage as of June 30. I highly doubt this will all be in place prior to June 30th, and if he stops paying the mortgage, he can kiss his delusional dream of taking on the mortgage alone, good bye!! That will definitely ruin his chances.There is the possibility that my cousin needs some where to go. If that happened, I could scrape by on the mortgage etc. It's just a unstable situation there as well, but maybe it's supposed to be the answer. I really don't know.

It's like he never read the email that I even sent him regarding what would need to be in place. We're just back to the bullying, and get out of my house. Lol.

Any words of wisdom out there?
M 46
H 39
No Kids
Married 5yrs, Together 11yrs
BD Oct 31/17
ILYBINILWY Dec 21/17
2nd BD- Dec 27/17
OW-Confirmed Jan 3/17

 Isaiah 43:1 " But the Lord says.. Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have summoned you by name; you are mine. "

"It's ok to be scared. Being scared means you're about to do something really, really brave." Anonymous

Offline Thunder

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Re: My Story Isn't Over Yet 2
« Reply #35 on: May 16, 2018, 08:42:06 AM »
Maybe you could send a letter saying..Please let my husband know he forgot to have you include my down payment money on your proposal.   ;D

Kidding.  Man, he just keeps going around in circles, doesn't he?  All it was, once again was a bully type letter and get out of the house, you're right.

How do you even respond to that?  Maybe just forward it on to your lawyer, let him deal with it.
With her permission, a quote from a recovered MLCer: 
From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did.

Offline FaithWalker

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Re: My Story Isn't Over Yet 2
« Reply #36 on: May 16, 2018, 05:47:05 PM »
Ugh.  Definitely reeks of OW touches, doesn't it?  Yes, how does one respond to such a weak agreement?

Shows that he does not have legal representation though, if they wrote it up from the internet.
M-39
H-42
S-17
D-15
S-12
Friends for 7 years before dating
Married for 14 years
BD 12/14/15 - 2 weeks after 14th anniversary
Divorce final 4/13/16
EA - 9/15-4/16
New GF 12/16
Engaged to her 6/17 (I found out 8/10/17)
Moved to her State 4 States away - 7/13/17
Engagement off 8/20/17
Moved back to our State 8/24/17
Joined POF within the first month back


Link to my journey: 
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9907.0#new

"Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass... it's about learning to dance in the rain."

"Never become a container for bitterness.  Bitterness is a toxin that destroys what it's carried in."

"Sometimes -- some things have to break all apart so better things can be built."

Offline FearNotTopic starter

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Re: My Story Isn't Over Yet 2
« Reply #37 on: May 16, 2018, 07:06:23 PM »
Thunder- Man, I wish I could respond like that!

FW- It does reek of he and it really does show he hasn't talked to a professional.

ATM- we are negotiating a time to meet tomorrow night. We'll see if H follows through.
M 46
H 39
No Kids
Married 5yrs, Together 11yrs
BD Oct 31/17
ILYBINILWY Dec 21/17
2nd BD- Dec 27/17
OW-Confirmed Jan 3/17

 Isaiah 43:1 " But the Lord says.. Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have summoned you by name; you are mine. "

"It's ok to be scared. Being scared means you're about to do something really, really brave." Anonymous

Offline Thunder

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Re: My Story Isn't Over Yet 2
« Reply #38 on: May 17, 2018, 08:08:53 AM »
Fear, do you think he will come alone if he shows up?  I would certainly insist on that.
Maybe show up a little late and if she is there, turn around and leave.

Are you just hammering out the settlement?  How's he going to do this without her?   ;D
With her permission, a quote from a recovered MLCer: 
From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did.

Offline FearNotTopic starter

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Re: My Story Isn't Over Yet 2
« Reply #39 on: May 17, 2018, 08:36:22 AM »
He is coming to our home, so I would hope that he would not be bringing her. He's coming straight from a work site apparently. He made the plans last night, while working away, and I don't think she was actually there. I am fully expecting her to kibosh them!! If she shows at our home, she's not allowed in. She can wait outside, off the property.

It is to talk about the settlement! I'm not sure what he will do without his armchair "legal team" present to guide him into utter ridiculousness.  ::) I expect lots  of  squirming, no eye contact, most likely some anger, when I yet again mention the "down payment"  and he finds out that I haven't agreed to a buyout, and that he needs to come up with a much better document because this is a waste of my lawyers time (I probably shouldn't say that part)::).

I am going to put on my best Oscar winning performance. Light, lovely, no anger, no tears, no accusations, throw in as many "I'm sorry you feel that way", "I'll have to think about that", etc as need be. I am saying my prayers that God will guide me, shut my mouth when it needs to be shut, show him as much agape love and forgiveness as possible and God's will be done.

I do think I will give him his special cutting board tonight when we are done. I really don't need/want it! We don't even need to mark it down for "valuation with the lawyers for later" (as he stated in his email) ;D.
M 46
H 39
No Kids
Married 5yrs, Together 11yrs
BD Oct 31/17
ILYBINILWY Dec 21/17
2nd BD- Dec 27/17
OW-Confirmed Jan 3/17

 Isaiah 43:1 " But the Lord says.. Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have summoned you by name; you are mine. "

"It's ok to be scared. Being scared means you're about to do something really, really brave." Anonymous

Offline Thunder

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Re: My Story Isn't Over Yet 2
« Reply #40 on: May 17, 2018, 09:00:11 AM »
Oh you can do this.

Just be your sweet self, so he takes the image away with him.  Then when or if she tries to bad mouth you, in his head it just won't fit.
With her permission, a quote from a recovered MLCer: 
From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did.

Offline Schratz66

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Re: My Story Isn't Over Yet 2
« Reply #41 on: May 17, 2018, 11:01:13 AM »
What a lovely bully he is - NOT
Don't let him get to you Fear.
You can do it - but be sure to mention that you are wanting the down payment back.
I guarantee he will be flustered without OW whispering in his ear on what to do or say - spineless worms
I would be very surprised if he can even look you straight in the eyes.

Gosh - this is all soooooo ridiculous - where are our real spouses ?

Will be keeping you in my thoughts and prayers today Fear - let us know how it went
Me 50
H 49
AD 20 from previous R
Known H since 1993
Together since 2000
BD 06/21/2017
OW High School Sweetheart lives 4 hrs away

Offline FearNotTopic starter

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Re: My Story Isn't Over Yet 2
« Reply #42 on: May 17, 2018, 12:42:36 PM »
Thank you Thunder, that is a great way to put it!

S66- I will definitely be mentioning it. Thanks for the thoughts and prayers.

Well he moved up the time. And he asked if he should bring beverages??? If so what would I like? Seriously??!?!? I am at a loss. I really hope he doesn't slam a few beers and then drive, like he did the last time he was there. But I that is out of my control. His choice... he should know better with 2 DUI's already.

M 46
H 39
No Kids
Married 5yrs, Together 11yrs
BD Oct 31/17
ILYBINILWY Dec 21/17
2nd BD- Dec 27/17
OW-Confirmed Jan 3/17

 Isaiah 43:1 " But the Lord says.. Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have summoned you by name; you are mine. "

"It's ok to be scared. Being scared means you're about to do something really, really brave." Anonymous

Offline FamilyIsMyGoal

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Re: My Story Isn't Over Yet 2
« Reply #43 on: May 18, 2018, 07:05:58 AM »
I am going to put on my best Oscar winning performance. Light, lovely, no anger, no tears, no accusations, throw in as many "I'm sorry you feel that way", "I'll have to think about that", etc as need be. I am saying my prayers that God will guide me, shut my mouth when it needs to be shut, show him as much agape love and forgiveness as possible and God's will be done.
  - I love this!

I'm very curious as to how he is going to be tonight without his armchair legal team  ;D.  I would suggest not to agree to anything at this point, just listen, get an idea as to where he is at, and if he really tries to force an answer, just say you need to sleep on it.

I can tell you with my H, I used to think of him as the most fair, his word is his bond kind of guy, but when started to try to divvy things up via email, it went south super quickly.  I tried to just point out that a couple of things might be more complicated dividing up then what we thought when we were married, and he went bezerko.  Completely unexpected.  It wasn't even referring to any large asset, but for some reason it really triggered him. 

Take care of yourself, know that you have us there in spirit and we are silently rooting for you during your discussion. 

In my last legal meeting, my niece told me that if I get scared or unsettled, to put my hand on my heart and to know that she loved me.  I did that several times in the meeting and it really helped.  So if you feel unsettled or anything, put your hand on your heart and know that you have the Hero Spouse team there with you and that we love you!  xoxox
Divorce Bomb August 6, 2017
Married 19 years
Together 22 years
Physically separated - he's 15 miles away
Two Teenage boys
Me: 54
H 58
OW? I don't know - probably plural

Offline FearNotTopic starter

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Re: My Story Isn't Over Yet 2
« Reply #44 on: May 18, 2018, 09:00:10 AM »
Super long post warning!!




In my last legal meeting, my niece told me that if I get scared or unsettled, to put my hand on my heart and to know that she loved me.  I did that several times in the meeting and it really helped.  So if you feel unsettled or anything, put your hand on your heart and know that you have the Hero Spouse team there with you and that we love you!  xoxox

Family, thank you so much for your post. What an awesome way to bring comfort! It brought on a fresh set of tears! Thank you I will be using this!!

Well, I did manage the no anger, no tears, no accusations. I would've like to have been a little more light and lovely, but man is that a difficult thing to do. I did manage to zip my lips when needed..I think :o.

So H showed up, with nothing of course. No papers, pen, documents or beer. Lol.  I had my file folder of documents. He was like "oh good you printed it off!"  ???

We tried to make a little small talk but ended up sitting down and getting to it fairly quickly. He was so uncomfortable. He doesn't look good, tired, weight gain, less hair...typical MLC look.

H started in right away about me accepting "him buying me out". I stopped him and said that won't be happening. He was instantly angry, arm waving, raised voice, mad. I asked if he had actually spoken to the bank and was pre approved. He said he talked to some guy at the bank and H has his ways of making it happen. I said "oh so that means you need someone to sign on with you?" I asked him what he actually made last year and he told me. I asked him to please send me a copy of his T4 as my lawyer had asked for it  ::) He started spouting about how his parents could help him, blah blah blah. I just responded, " I didn't realize they were in a position to do that, with all that has happened." ( He knows they aren't able to help him, his dad is retired, trying to get a job, because they can't afford their lifestyle). Mumbling about other people, he didn't flat out say "OW" , but it was very clear his intention was to put her on our mortgage. Over my dead, cold, lifeless body... will that ever happen. Who in their right mind (an MLC'er) agrees to buy a home with a woman, who is still living with her husband, and you have known them less that 6 months. I see that as manipulation at it's finest. I don't even know that bat snot bonkers covers that!! "

I told him I wanted to sell. He wanted to know why. I said because that's what I feel is best.  He ranted more, "I'm" unreasonable, "I'm" going to loose more by selling, "I" need to face the facts. He's given me ample time to figure this out. It will be around the 6 month mark in June. Plenty of time to get his sorted. "I'm"delusional and need to start communicating. "I" need to tell him what I want. "I" won't talk to him or tell him how I feel. I responded by saying I didn't think that 6 months was unreasonable amount of time to take when you are in the process of trying to dissolve an 11 year R and M. If you expect me to rant, rave, yell, be angry, bitter, because you feel that's me communicating, it won't happen. I am by no means delusional, I clearly understand that you are no longer invested in our marriage, but I am not angry at you, nor am I bitter. I love you and I always will.

He then responded with his standard "We discussed so many times our sex life and nothing changed." My response was " I hope that one day you can forgive me for not being able to be the W that you needed. I am sorry." He had no response to that.

We then carried on to.. If I don't agree to his buyout and we sell the courts will dictate that it will all be 50/50. I said no that's not true, if we have a settlement agreement in place we are able to chose. I then mentioned the down payment. He told me he's talked to "lawyers and people" and he doesn't have to pay me anything. He told me that is money already spent. I said that's not what my lawyer told me!! I was told that half of it would be invested in the marriage, the other half I am entitled to as long as I have proof, due to it being gifted money prior to meeting him. Cue more upset hand waving by him. At this point I did have to stop myself, shut up and take a minute.  He then offered to just pay me the down payment and I give him the house. I told him "I'm sorry but it doesn't work that way". He then said he would just buy the house when we put it up for sale. I said sure if you want to pay fair market value for it, that's not an issue. (Not going to happen because you have a down payment as well..)

He then threatened to quit paying the mortgage immediately. Why don't "I" just get out of the house. "I" can't afford to live there, he can blah blah blah. I told him I have been legally advised not to leave our marital home. As for the stop paying.. go ahead. Stop paying. We can go into foreclosure if that's what you would like, force the sale of the home, screw yourself and me out of ever having the chance of having another mortgage. If you feel that's your best option then by all means do what's right by you.  ::). That turned around pretty fast. All of a sudden the end of June date he had given as to when he was stopping paying was a suggestion. We just need to get things moving along. He's house poor. Can't be paying for 2 places. Poor poor H! I didn't respond to any of it.

I asked him who his "lawyers" were? Said he talked to a couple. I asked him where he got the document he sent me. He said from his lawyer. I just nodded and said "Oh Ok", as it's clearly from the internet. He asked who my lawyer was I told him. His comment was that he had never met her?!?! I'm like, of course you haven't, because if you had, she wouldn't be able to be my lawyer. They check those things. He laughed and said Ya, you're right. So ridiculous.

At one point in the conversation, I said that I clearly remember having a conversation when we bought our first home, that should something happen, I would get my down payment back and we would both be liable for our own personal debt. He agreed to the personal debt part last night, but then started mumbling about how he didn't know this would happen, never meant to hurt me, not trying to screw me over, he's probably screwing himself over more  ???. I didn't respond.

The long and the short of it was he borrowed a post it note to write down what I he needed to put in his new document. Which was pretty much what I initially emailed him. He said he'd get it done last night or first thing next week. I guess his "armchair lawyer" doesn't have plans this weekend. Lol. I said once it was done, I would be sending it to my lawyer. I will not be agreeing to anything until she looks at it and those things take time.

It then concluded with us sitting at the table. Him saying this was "awkward" (you don't say?!?!) trying to make small talk. He asked what I had planned for the weekend. Mentioned I might golf, joined the ladies league. He wanted to know if it was at the golf course we live on. Said no, it's a league that plays many courses. If I don't golf this weekend, first tee time is next Thursday. Asked if he's been out. Said no... to busy at work, on the road all the time. As he was leaving, I told him to take his cutting board that he listed as wanting in the settlement. I told him "I don't know why you would think that I would keep something that I bought you as a gift?" He said he thought his parents gave it to him. :(. I had a bag of the spicy specialty pasta that he likes as well sitting on the board. Told him to take that as well. He asked if I just didn't want it? I said no, I was at the specialty store, they had it in stock again. I know you like it so I grabbed one for you.  :). Mumbled about getting out of my hair, and leaving me to my night. Said ok. Thanks. Take Care.

Door closes, garage door closed.... and complete melt down. I just needed to release. That was one of the most difficult things I think I have ever done. Sitting at a table with my H who is a complete and udder shell of the man I once knew. The once compassionate, reasonable, never riled, doesn't yell, man of his word became a hollering, angry, arm waving lunatic when he didn't get his own way. He projected, projected, projected.  It is heartbreaking, and soul wrenching. I am much better with it today. I am sad of course, uncertain of my future but I know I will be ok. I am still standing and praying. The reasons I made it through that ordeal and didn't take that cutting board and clock him upside the head a 100x is by the grace of God. He zipped my lips, gave me answers, and gave me the ability to put on my performance. And due to all those who have shared there experiences on HS and as well as privately. I am truly grateful to have so much knowledge and support available.   

Sidenote:
Later last night I texted a pic of our house document showing the down payment. He responded saying.."Let me get this straight, you are asking for this because of our verbal agreement?" I responded 'No" and again explained what the lawyer said. I got "Okiedokie" back.

Happy Friday everyone. I am sure glad it's the weekend.
Hugs N Prayers,
FN

M 46
H 39
No Kids
Married 5yrs, Together 11yrs
BD Oct 31/17
ILYBINILWY Dec 21/17
2nd BD- Dec 27/17
OW-Confirmed Jan 3/17

 Isaiah 43:1 " But the Lord says.. Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have summoned you by name; you are mine. "

"It's ok to be scared. Being scared means you're about to do something really, really brave." Anonymous

Offline Schratz66

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Re: My Story Isn't Over Yet 2
« Reply #45 on: May 18, 2018, 10:30:39 AM »
Oh Dear Lord Fear,

How amazing that you pulled all that off without losing your mind. I think you were fabulous.
I think they check out their brain when they go into MLC. So, let me get this straight - he actually intents to take on a mortgage to buy the marital home that he lived in with you, his wife, and the co mortgage carrier will be OW, who is still married ? Wouldn't that make her H responsible for the mortgage as well ? What kind of crazy juice is that ?

And like you, it would be a cold day in hell before the OW would live with my H in my house EVER.

Go ahead, if he wants to buy it, offer fair market value, buddy.

And I like how he never thought this would happen when he made the agreement years ago when buying your first home. Hey, buddy - this wouldn't have happened if you wouldn't have jumped on the crazy train. Unreal.

You are a much better person than I would ever be to hold back on smacking him repeatedly with his precious bamboo cutting board - they are crazy - their own sub-species.

All kidding aside though, I am so very sorry that you had to go through that but you handled it like a queen. Do not agree to anything unless you run it by your lawyer.

You are a strong lady and you will be okay.

Hugs

Me 50
H 49
AD 20 from previous R
Known H since 1993
Together since 2000
BD 06/21/2017
OW High School Sweetheart lives 4 hrs away

Offline Kitty

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Re: My Story Isn't Over Yet 2
« Reply #46 on: May 18, 2018, 11:29:44 AM »
You handled yourself fantastically FN. It really does take a whole other level of patience to deal with the MLCer when they are in victim mode, which is kind of the vibe I was getting from what you were saying of your H.

It makes me glad that Grumpy and I took care of our separation agreement at the beginning, before he stepped fully into La La Land.
Me 37; H 41
Together 20 years; married 11.5
No kids, no pets
BD #1 Late October 2017 - H says he feels like he is living with a room mate at times (ILYBINILWY) and has considered separation.
BD #2 12/22/17 - Day after legal separation signed, I find out about OW after H said there wasn't one.

"Let the past die. Kill it, if you have to. It's the only way for you to become what you are meant to be." Kylo Ren - Star Wars: The Last Jedi

Offline FamilyIsMyGoal

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Re: My Story Isn't Over Yet 2
« Reply #47 on: May 18, 2018, 03:50:32 PM »
Wow! FN!  You did beautifully!!  I am so proud of you!  That must have been incredibly hard.  I could only have those conversations through email.  Wow!

Kitty made a good point about being in victim mode.  It's amazing that so many of them seem to do this.  Their sense of entitlement blows me away.


but it was very clear his intention was to put her on our mortgage. Over my dead, cold, lifeless body... will that ever happen. Who in their right mind (an MLC'er) agrees to buy a home with a woman, who is still living with her husband, and you have known them less that 6 months. I see that as manipulation at it's finest. I don't even know that bat snot bonkers covers that!! "  - I'm sitting here shaking my head at this craziness.  I mean really? I feel so badly for her husband and kids.  Geez, wtf!  Talk about "affair down"!

You are a class act in every way.  How wonderful that you gave him the spicy pasta that he likes. When all is said and done, no matter what happens, we know we behaved with dignity and true class.

Of course you're going to fall apart after a convo like that.  This is all too much to process in too short of a time.  I hope you can really treat yourself to a massage or something this weekend.  xoxo
Divorce Bomb August 6, 2017
Married 19 years
Together 22 years
Physically separated - he's 15 miles away
Two Teenage boys
Me: 54
H 58
OW? I don't know - probably plural

Offline If_only

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Re: My Story Isn't Over Yet 2
« Reply #48 on: May 18, 2018, 09:00:13 PM »
That quote from family made me cry too! Wow what an awesome niece!💕I must remember that as these trials and tribulations are so hard to get through and what a lovely thought. I wonder if we took it a step further and put our hands over our hearts ♥️ and remembered the unconditional love we had for our h ( when they were pre MLC) and how much they suffer - I wonder if that would be too hard for us since we are suffering.
FN - I felt like I was there with you. I went through all the awkwardness and all the strange ideas. 
You did great FN ! I’m so glad you have this forum as well as your faith.   Such a sad situation but he will keep working through it all without you for now. Once they have spent time together - they may realize their lives are not great FN and you have continued working on yourself. You are doing so much right!  I am so sorry you have to go through all this and seeing someone you once knew act so differently!
Lots of support and big hugs! Xoxo IF


Online Treasur

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Re: My Story Isn't Over Yet 2
« Reply #49 on: May 18, 2018, 10:03:21 PM »
FN, I wish that I had been able to act like this earlier and more often. You are quite extraordinary, and it must have taken digging deep and tremendous courage to act as you did. A fine balance between self-respect, not denying current reality and grace. One of those times when we find a little bit more in us than we even thought we had, something to look back on with genuine pride in the future. Exhausting and emotional afterwards, but the biggest best bit of you FN...and I hope that you see that too and are as proud of you as we are.
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD)
No kids.
BD Oct 15. OW since Apr 16?
H filed Jan 17. Divorced April 18

Grateful for any appearance of the tiny karma bus  
"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline stillbaffled

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Re: My Story Isn't Over Yet 2
« Reply #50 on: May 19, 2018, 02:43:03 PM »

Door closes, garage door closed.... and complete melt down. I just needed to release. That was one of the most difficult things I think I have ever done. Sitting at a table with my H who is a complete and udder shell of the man I once knew. The once compassionate, reasonable, never riled, doesn't yell, man of his word became a hollering, angry, arm waving lunatic when he didn't get his own way. He projected, projected, projected.  It is heartbreaking, and soul wrenching. I am much better with it today. I am sad of course, uncertain of my future but I know I will be ok. I am still standing and praying. The reasons I made it through that ordeal and didn't take that cutting board and clock him upside the head a 100x is by the grace of God. He zipped my lips, gave me answers, and gave me the ability to put on my performance. And due to all those who have shared there experiences on HS and as well as privately. I am truly grateful to have so much knowledge and support available.   


Well done, FN, well done!  If you were to go back to one of my earliest threads in 2016 when I was going through this you would read almost verbatim what you have posted  regarding sitting at a table (the only time he was ever back in our home once he walked out at BD) with your MLCer trying to work through logistics.  It was probably the best acting job I've ever done.  I never want to conduct another "business" deal like that again! 

Kudos to you for handling that meeting like a champ. 

Continuing to support you as you traverse through this crap. 
After all, tomorrow is another day.
Together 16 years - married 6
BD - 1/1/16
His divorce final 7/16
Married OW - 7/17
a consistent semi-vanisher in the same small town

 

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