Author Topic: My Story My Story Isn't Over Yet 2  (Read 549 times)

Offline Schratz66

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My Story Re: My Story Isn't Over Yet 2
« Reply #20 on: May 11, 2018, 05:17:59 AM »
Glad your mom is coming for a visit.
I’m sorry about you not being able to do your flowers this year, yes, living in limbo is awesome, isn’t it.
Your solution to the golfing sounds like a great plan. It won’t be the same as with your H, but I am sure you will make new friends.
Isn’t it just amazing what all is affected by our H’s crisis ?
They have no idea how their choices affect every inch of our life.
Me 50
H 49
AD 20 from previous R
Known H since 1993
Together since 2000
BD 06/21/2017
OW High School Sweetheart lives 4 hrs away

Online Thunder

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Re: My Story Isn't Over Yet 2
« Reply #21 on: May 11, 2018, 05:35:51 AM »
Fear, I'm glad your mom is coming but I wouldn't worry about buying some plants.  Just don't get a lot of them.  You deserve some nice plants around you.  Pick ones you an easily move, or annuals you won't have to worry about.

A lady's golf league?  That's a wonderful idea.  You go out there and have fun with no fears.  You could make some nice new friends.   :)
With her permission, a quote from a recovered MLCer: 
From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did.

Offline Kitty

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Re: My Story Isn't Over Yet 2
« Reply #22 on: May 11, 2018, 05:49:15 AM »
I would still get some plants FN, maybe just not as many as previous years. I still need to find something to do over the summer. Grumpy and I use to go to the races, but I have this slight fear of running into him and OW while I'm there.
Me 37; H 41
Together 20 years; married 11.5
No kids, no pets
BD #1 Late October 2017 - H says he feels like he is living with a room mate at times (ILYBINILWY) and has considered separation.
BD #2 12/22/17 - Day after legal separation signed, I find out about OW after H said there wasn't one.

"Let the past die. Kill it, if you have to. It's the only way for you to become what you are meant to be." Kylo Ren - Star Wars: The Last Jedi

Offline FearNotTopic starter

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Re: My Story Isn't Over Yet 2
« Reply #23 on: May 11, 2018, 08:13:49 AM »
Thank you If, S66, Thunder! It seems I have an all or nothing mentality on so many things, and I need to work on that. I think it is a good idea to plant some in moderation  :). As for the golf league, I'm still mulling it over, but it seems the perfect solution to my situation. Just got to bite the bullet on it.

Kitty - I hope you find something that you really enjoy. I can understand your fear of running into them. That is my worst nightmare.

I am super happy my mom is coming this weekend. I need a little mom time. I just feel bad that it seems like she ends up coming when I am at my emotional worst.  ???

Journaling/Randomness - Warning... might be a little "Jesus-us -ey"I know it's not everybody's deal  :D and I can respect that!

So since BD happened one of the things that I pray for on a regular basis for my H, is that God will put people in his path that will lead him to finding his faith/salvation again (he was raised in faith) and those that are contributing to his life in a negative way will be removed.

SIL has been a huge instrument in my journey of faith and our relationship has really changed because of it. SIL has been struggling with what H is doing and has been very angry/confused about her relationship with him due to his choices. Originally in our conversations SIL had said that OW would never be welcome in her house or accepted until D papers were done.

She has been praying about it a lot and keeps being lead back to how Jesus loves all sinners, and that we are not to be the judges. We should look at all people through God's eyes and show agape love. She reached out to H and invited them to dinner. SIL feels that she is supposed to do this, that she needs to be open to her B and OW. He accepted, but they haven't set a date, as H and OW are very busy.

Initially, I was really upset over this, actually borderline devastated. But the more I think about it, the more I think maybe there is a reason for it. Maybe it is an answer to my prayer? And sometimes we don't like the way prayers are answered, and this might be one of those times, but I need to look past it. Maybe she's on of those people to be in H and OW path, like she was in mine?

I have been fortunate that in this journey,  I have had prayers answered, and not always in the way I was expecting and this might be yet another example of that.

Hugs N Prayers,
FN
M 46
H 39
No Kids
Married 5yrs, Together 11yrs
BD Oct 31/17
ILYBINILWY Dec 21/17
2nd BD- Dec 27/17
OW-Confirmed Jan 3/17

 Isaiah 43:1 " But the Lord says.. Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have summoned you by name; you are mine. "

"It's ok to be scared. Being scared means you're about to do something really, really brave." Anonymous

Online Thunder

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Re: My Story Isn't Over Yet 2
« Reply #24 on: May 11, 2018, 08:31:13 AM »
I don't know, Fear.

I think you can be a loving person or non judgmental without intentionally, going out of your way to invite them somewhere.
That to me isn't being kind, it's accepting.  I just feel they do not have to be accepted, he's a married man committing Adultery, which is a sin.  Doesn't mean you have to hate them, just not condone what they are doing.

God can judge and punish if he wants to, but we should also follow are hearts on what is acceptable and what isn't, for us.
We have to live with our conscience.  We have no control on what others think is acceptable.

But that just my humble opinion.  If you see it differently, I applaud you.   :)
With her permission, a quote from a recovered MLCer: 
From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did.

Offline FearNotTopic starter

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Re: My Story Isn't Over Yet 2
« Reply #25 on: May 11, 2018, 09:24:32 AM »
 I can agree with you have said as well Thunder. I like to hear other opinions. That's the beauty of this place!!

 It does feel like acceptance in some ways because it is a sin and it shouldn't be condoned, and we can do that in a loving way, without hatred.

That's why I am questioning it. Maybe it's an answer, maybe it isn't. Maybe I'm telling myself it's answer because SIL is still struggling with it and I feel bad for her and it might give her relief. I don't feel that I have the same anger towards H that she does, but I also have HS and know that so many of his actions are "MLC normal". She still just sees it as so out of character for him. The one thing I do know, is there is no point in me being devastated over it. I can't control others choices and our R will have to be separate from this choice, whichever way it goes.
M 46
H 39
No Kids
Married 5yrs, Together 11yrs
BD Oct 31/17
ILYBINILWY Dec 21/17
2nd BD- Dec 27/17
OW-Confirmed Jan 3/17

 Isaiah 43:1 " But the Lord says.. Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have summoned you by name; you are mine. "

"It's ok to be scared. Being scared means you're about to do something really, really brave." Anonymous

Offline FamilyIsMyGoal

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Re: My Story Isn't Over Yet 2
« Reply #26 on: May 11, 2018, 11:40:57 AM »
Yay!  I found your new thread! 

The closet thing... that was so hard for me.  But I did it and now I have a roomy closet!  Then I totally redid my bedroom in pink and glitter, lol.  I have NEVER been a pink and glitter girl, but for some reason it just felt right.

A friend of mine (who ended up reconciling btw) told me that when she really felt like she had to say goodbye because his behavior was so bad at that point, she "lovingly and neatly packed all his things in boxes, organized and labeled them".  She said it felt like she was having a funeral for her husband.  She was devastated doing it. Then she took all the boxes to a storage unit, paid one month's rent, let her H know where it all was and told him if he wants it, he will have to get it or pay the rent.  She said it was the most difficult thing she ever did, but in the end it was right for her.  Sometimes we just have to really move through the pain to come out the other side.

I love your Jesus-y attitude towards the situation with your SIL.  I agree with you about the prayers being answered.  That makes sense to me.  And I would also be 100% devastated to first learn of it.  But it really sounds like your SIL, may be the one good influence on him right now.  I think you are awesome!  It is one of those tweeners though.  I can truly see both sides of this.  I love your prayer.  I'm going to start saying that prayer for my H too. 
Divorce Bomb August 6, 2017
Married 19 years
Together 22 years
Physically separated - he's 15 miles away
Two Teenage boys
Me: 54
H 58
OW? I don't know - probably plural

Offline If_only

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Re: My Story Isn't Over Yet 2
« Reply #27 on: May 11, 2018, 10:17:34 PM »
FN-  I’m here strongly supporting you!!! I know you are doing everything right.
Not being devastated is smart and it will keep you  positive in moving forward!
I do have an opinion on it for consideration. I am sure you have leaned on your SIL
for support in the past few months. I too feel you are not angry and I am the same.
One day my kids will be meeting up with h and ow as well and I hope to have the strength and grace to deal with it in a positive manner
However, if you have leaned on your SIL during the past few months and she feels driven to have h and ow over to dinner- I think that is pushing the limits.Having her brother over is fine.  You have not been separated all that long- he is committing adultery - and if she would just respect your marriage to wait it out would be better. Everyone can spin what they wish for reasons on why she would do that and I see no good coming out of that dinner for your marriage. I do know we need to accept people with flaws and sinners and I am good with that. This time next year maybe but this soon seems to be too soon. I can see you may have questions about ow and your SIL may make the situation worse by condoning the R and also reporting back to you. It will be difficult for you not to wonder. It is only human.
So since we cannot control anyone but ourselves, and your SIL goes ahead with the dinner- maybe this is the time to back away from confiding to her etc. as the whole thing may be hurtful to you.  Maybe it is wise to keep things positive with her but thinking the limiting of conversations about h might keep you feeling positive and  strong. Big hugs !! iF xx
« Last Edit: May 11, 2018, 10:20:50 PM by If_only »

Offline FearNotTopic starter

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Re: My Story Isn't Over Yet 2
« Reply #28 on: May 14, 2018, 12:06:43 PM »
Thanks for joining/supporting Family! I can't say that I "lovingly" packed his stuff. Lol. SIL does seem to be the only positive influence on him at this point. Glad you like the prayer!

Thank you IF- I agree, it does seem too soon. It's not even 6 months since he walked out. I feel like I would be more open to it if it was further down the line, but I am trying to be accepting of the fact that I can't control what others do.  I think you are correct in that conversation needs to be limited regarding H as well, especially if this takes place. I am hoping that I can meet up with SIL, and maybe have a face to face convo about this now that I've had some time to process it. I think you will certainly have the grace and strength to deal with your situation when it arises.

I do waffle on whether or not it might be God's plan or not. I'm saying my prayers of course. Might be that she is uncomfortable with continuing to stand up for what her beliefs are and fears she will compromise her relationship with her B for good. Regardless, it's out of my control.

Journaling/Randomness

It was really great to have my mom come and stay. I really needed that. I do feel bad that I was so emotional the entire time she was there. She had a hard time leaving and I felt terrible for adding to that.

We did get some flowers! Yay! They are all planted. Thank you for the support and encouragement to do this. I am glad that I did.

I did join the ladies golf league this morning, booked my first tee time next  week!! Nervous but excited!

I did message H's gran and mom, Happy Mother's Day. I struggled with it (not Gran) because I have not heard hide nor hair from the rest of his family since February, but I felt it was the right thing to do. At least I go back a "Thank You" which was more than I was expecting. Gran sent a short, chatty message.

That not so good this weekend. My cousin who has been a huge support to me had a situation this weekend. Long story short, her BF has been arrested ( she wasn't home when it went down) and charged with assault (police did it, as she wouldn't), there's a no contact order, and he is facing numerous charges including resisting arrest, uttering threats to police etc. A friend of her BF actually called the cops as he was afraid for her safety, due to the texts her BF was sending him. I spent yesterday afternoon/evening with her. Cleaned up all sorts of broken glass as he flipped out and broke a bunch of stuff (she wasn't in the home, thank you God!!). She has some bruises and abrasions, and is completely overwhelmed mentally. She's been put in touch with victim services and has been reading the info etc. I don't think she has really processed it all, of course. He has a drinking problem (this was identified a while ago, the usual story of "I'll reign it in"). This isn't the first time it's gotten heated (I've witnessed that before), apparently first time he's gotten physical.  He needed clothes, and work stuff from the home. Police said to use a third party so I took him his stuff last night. He text me after to say he wouldn't cause anymore trouble for her. I told him he needs to get his situation sorted out, find himself some help. My heart breaks for them both!! Such a long journey ahead for each of them, whether together or separate. Crazily enough, my mom and I were talking about them the night prior to all this, and I had said who much he reminds me of my ex, and I wasn't sure if it was in a good or bad way. I guess, I figured that part out now.

I've stood in her shoes and it so difficult.The crap it does to your mind and feeling so torn.The bruises and abrasions heal quickly, it's the inside that takes so long. I just don't get why there is so much brokenness everywhere? Why as people, we struggle so hard to treat each other with decency and respect? I know of more broken relationships than intact ones. It's like the new norm. The positive...as much as I dislike the feelings it brings up in me, I know it makes me more capable of empathy for them both, and to be able to support her in a compassionate, productive way. She's surrounded by anger from friends and family (natural reaction of course) but not always what you're wanting to hear at that time. It's so sad.  :'(
M 46
H 39
No Kids
Married 5yrs, Together 11yrs
BD Oct 31/17
ILYBINILWY Dec 21/17
2nd BD- Dec 27/17
OW-Confirmed Jan 3/17

 Isaiah 43:1 " But the Lord says.. Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have summoned you by name; you are mine. "

"It's ok to be scared. Being scared means you're about to do something really, really brave." Anonymous

Offline If_only

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Re: My Story Isn't Over Yet 2
« Reply #29 on: May 14, 2018, 09:31:33 PM »
FN
So glad you signed up for the women’s golf and got some plants.😊
Also - although emotional - glad you had your mom this weekend.
Glad your cousin has been in your life for support and glad you can be there
for her now as that is heartbreakening but serious. I hope they both get some help
to deal with their lives.
There is so much negative energy in the world and not enough happiness and kindness.
To better days ahead! Big hugs and support! If







 

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