Author Topic: My Story My Story Isn't Over Yet 2  (Read 592 times)

Offline Thunder

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My Story Re: My Story Isn't Over Yet 2
« Reply #40 on: May 17, 2018, 09:00:11 AM »
Oh you can do this.

Just be your sweet self, so he takes the image away with him.  Then when or if she tries to bad mouth you, in his head it just won't fit.
With her permission, a quote from a recovered MLCer: 
From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did.

Offline Schratz66

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Re: My Story Isn't Over Yet 2
« Reply #41 on: May 17, 2018, 11:01:13 AM »
What a lovely bully he is - NOT
Don't let him get to you Fear.
You can do it - but be sure to mention that you are wanting the down payment back.
I guarantee he will be flustered without OW whispering in his ear on what to do or say - spineless worms
I would be very surprised if he can even look you straight in the eyes.

Gosh - this is all soooooo ridiculous - where are our real spouses ?

Will be keeping you in my thoughts and prayers today Fear - let us know how it went
Me 50
H 49
AD 20 from previous R
Known H since 1993
Together since 2000
BD 06/21/2017
OW High School Sweetheart lives 4 hrs away

Offline FearNotTopic starter

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Re: My Story Isn't Over Yet 2
« Reply #42 on: May 17, 2018, 12:42:36 PM »
Thank you Thunder, that is a great way to put it!

S66- I will definitely be mentioning it. Thanks for the thoughts and prayers.

Well he moved up the time. And he asked if he should bring beverages??? If so what would I like? Seriously??!?!? I am at a loss. I really hope he doesn't slam a few beers and then drive, like he did the last time he was there. But I that is out of my control. His choice... he should know better with 2 DUI's already.

M 46
H 39
No Kids
Married 5yrs, Together 11yrs
BD Oct 31/17
ILYBINILWY Dec 21/17
2nd BD- Dec 27/17
OW-Confirmed Jan 3/17

 Isaiah 43:1 " But the Lord says.. Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have summoned you by name; you are mine. "

"It's ok to be scared. Being scared means you're about to do something really, really brave." Anonymous

Offline FamilyIsMyGoal

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Re: My Story Isn't Over Yet 2
« Reply #43 on: May 18, 2018, 07:05:58 AM »
I am going to put on my best Oscar winning performance. Light, lovely, no anger, no tears, no accusations, throw in as many "I'm sorry you feel that way", "I'll have to think about that", etc as need be. I am saying my prayers that God will guide me, shut my mouth when it needs to be shut, show him as much agape love and forgiveness as possible and God's will be done.
  - I love this!

I'm very curious as to how he is going to be tonight without his armchair legal team  ;D.  I would suggest not to agree to anything at this point, just listen, get an idea as to where he is at, and if he really tries to force an answer, just say you need to sleep on it.

I can tell you with my H, I used to think of him as the most fair, his word is his bond kind of guy, but when started to try to divvy things up via email, it went south super quickly.  I tried to just point out that a couple of things might be more complicated dividing up then what we thought when we were married, and he went bezerko.  Completely unexpected.  It wasn't even referring to any large asset, but for some reason it really triggered him. 

Take care of yourself, know that you have us there in spirit and we are silently rooting for you during your discussion. 

In my last legal meeting, my niece told me that if I get scared or unsettled, to put my hand on my heart and to know that she loved me.  I did that several times in the meeting and it really helped.  So if you feel unsettled or anything, put your hand on your heart and know that you have the Hero Spouse team there with you and that we love you!  xoxox
Divorce Bomb August 6, 2017
Married 19 years
Together 22 years
Physically separated - he's 15 miles away
Two Teenage boys
Me: 54
H 58
OW? I don't know - probably plural

Offline FearNotTopic starter

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Re: My Story Isn't Over Yet 2
« Reply #44 on: May 18, 2018, 09:00:10 AM »
Super long post warning!!




In my last legal meeting, my niece told me that if I get scared or unsettled, to put my hand on my heart and to know that she loved me.  I did that several times in the meeting and it really helped.  So if you feel unsettled or anything, put your hand on your heart and know that you have the Hero Spouse team there with you and that we love you!  xoxox

Family, thank you so much for your post. What an awesome way to bring comfort! It brought on a fresh set of tears! Thank you I will be using this!!

Well, I did manage the no anger, no tears, no accusations. I would've like to have been a little more light and lovely, but man is that a difficult thing to do. I did manage to zip my lips when needed..I think :o.

So H showed up, with nothing of course. No papers, pen, documents or beer. Lol.  I had my file folder of documents. He was like "oh good you printed it off!"  ???

We tried to make a little small talk but ended up sitting down and getting to it fairly quickly. He was so uncomfortable. He doesn't look good, tired, weight gain, less hair...typical MLC look.

H started in right away about me accepting "him buying me out". I stopped him and said that won't be happening. He was instantly angry, arm waving, raised voice, mad. I asked if he had actually spoken to the bank and was pre approved. He said he talked to some guy at the bank and H has his ways of making it happen. I said "oh so that means you need someone to sign on with you?" I asked him what he actually made last year and he told me. I asked him to please send me a copy of his T4 as my lawyer had asked for it  ::) He started spouting about how his parents could help him, blah blah blah. I just responded, " I didn't realize they were in a position to do that, with all that has happened." ( He knows they aren't able to help him, his dad is retired, trying to get a job, because they can't afford their lifestyle). Mumbling about other people, he didn't flat out say "OW" , but it was very clear his intention was to put her on our mortgage. Over my dead, cold, lifeless body... will that ever happen. Who in their right mind (an MLC'er) agrees to buy a home with a woman, who is still living with her husband, and you have known them less that 6 months. I see that as manipulation at it's finest. I don't even know that bat snot bonkers covers that!! "

I told him I wanted to sell. He wanted to know why. I said because that's what I feel is best.  He ranted more, "I'm" unreasonable, "I'm" going to loose more by selling, "I" need to face the facts. He's given me ample time to figure this out. It will be around the 6 month mark in June. Plenty of time to get his sorted. "I'm"delusional and need to start communicating. "I" need to tell him what I want. "I" won't talk to him or tell him how I feel. I responded by saying I didn't think that 6 months was unreasonable amount of time to take when you are in the process of trying to dissolve an 11 year R and M. If you expect me to rant, rave, yell, be angry, bitter, because you feel that's me communicating, it won't happen. I am by no means delusional, I clearly understand that you are no longer invested in our marriage, but I am not angry at you, nor am I bitter. I love you and I always will.

He then responded with his standard "We discussed so many times our sex life and nothing changed." My response was " I hope that one day you can forgive me for not being able to be the W that you needed. I am sorry." He had no response to that.

We then carried on to.. If I don't agree to his buyout and we sell the courts will dictate that it will all be 50/50. I said no that's not true, if we have a settlement agreement in place we are able to chose. I then mentioned the down payment. He told me he's talked to "lawyers and people" and he doesn't have to pay me anything. He told me that is money already spent. I said that's not what my lawyer told me!! I was told that half of it would be invested in the marriage, the other half I am entitled to as long as I have proof, due to it being gifted money prior to meeting him. Cue more upset hand waving by him. At this point I did have to stop myself, shut up and take a minute.  He then offered to just pay me the down payment and I give him the house. I told him "I'm sorry but it doesn't work that way". He then said he would just buy the house when we put it up for sale. I said sure if you want to pay fair market value for it, that's not an issue. (Not going to happen because you have a down payment as well..)

He then threatened to quit paying the mortgage immediately. Why don't "I" just get out of the house. "I" can't afford to live there, he can blah blah blah. I told him I have been legally advised not to leave our marital home. As for the stop paying.. go ahead. Stop paying. We can go into foreclosure if that's what you would like, force the sale of the home, screw yourself and me out of ever having the chance of having another mortgage. If you feel that's your best option then by all means do what's right by you.  ::). That turned around pretty fast. All of a sudden the end of June date he had given as to when he was stopping paying was a suggestion. We just need to get things moving along. He's house poor. Can't be paying for 2 places. Poor poor H! I didn't respond to any of it.

I asked him who his "lawyers" were? Said he talked to a couple. I asked him where he got the document he sent me. He said from his lawyer. I just nodded and said "Oh Ok", as it's clearly from the internet. He asked who my lawyer was I told him. His comment was that he had never met her?!?! I'm like, of course you haven't, because if you had, she wouldn't be able to be my lawyer. They check those things. He laughed and said Ya, you're right. So ridiculous.

At one point in the conversation, I said that I clearly remember having a conversation when we bought our first home, that should something happen, I would get my down payment back and we would both be liable for our own personal debt. He agreed to the personal debt part last night, but then started mumbling about how he didn't know this would happen, never meant to hurt me, not trying to screw me over, he's probably screwing himself over more  ???. I didn't respond.

The long and the short of it was he borrowed a post it note to write down what I he needed to put in his new document. Which was pretty much what I initially emailed him. He said he'd get it done last night or first thing next week. I guess his "armchair lawyer" doesn't have plans this weekend. Lol. I said once it was done, I would be sending it to my lawyer. I will not be agreeing to anything until she looks at it and those things take time.

It then concluded with us sitting at the table. Him saying this was "awkward" (you don't say?!?!) trying to make small talk. He asked what I had planned for the weekend. Mentioned I might golf, joined the ladies league. He wanted to know if it was at the golf course we live on. Said no, it's a league that plays many courses. If I don't golf this weekend, first tee time is next Thursday. Asked if he's been out. Said no... to busy at work, on the road all the time. As he was leaving, I told him to take his cutting board that he listed as wanting in the settlement. I told him "I don't know why you would think that I would keep something that I bought you as a gift?" He said he thought his parents gave it to him. :(. I had a bag of the spicy specialty pasta that he likes as well sitting on the board. Told him to take that as well. He asked if I just didn't want it? I said no, I was at the specialty store, they had it in stock again. I know you like it so I grabbed one for you.  :). Mumbled about getting out of my hair, and leaving me to my night. Said ok. Thanks. Take Care.

Door closes, garage door closed.... and complete melt down. I just needed to release. That was one of the most difficult things I think I have ever done. Sitting at a table with my H who is a complete and udder shell of the man I once knew. The once compassionate, reasonable, never riled, doesn't yell, man of his word became a hollering, angry, arm waving lunatic when he didn't get his own way. He projected, projected, projected.  It is heartbreaking, and soul wrenching. I am much better with it today. I am sad of course, uncertain of my future but I know I will be ok. I am still standing and praying. The reasons I made it through that ordeal and didn't take that cutting board and clock him upside the head a 100x is by the grace of God. He zipped my lips, gave me answers, and gave me the ability to put on my performance. And due to all those who have shared there experiences on HS and as well as privately. I am truly grateful to have so much knowledge and support available.   

Sidenote:
Later last night I texted a pic of our house document showing the down payment. He responded saying.."Let me get this straight, you are asking for this because of our verbal agreement?" I responded 'No" and again explained what the lawyer said. I got "Okiedokie" back.

Happy Friday everyone. I am sure glad it's the weekend.
Hugs N Prayers,
FN

M 46
H 39
No Kids
Married 5yrs, Together 11yrs
BD Oct 31/17
ILYBINILWY Dec 21/17
2nd BD- Dec 27/17
OW-Confirmed Jan 3/17

 Isaiah 43:1 " But the Lord says.. Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have summoned you by name; you are mine. "

"It's ok to be scared. Being scared means you're about to do something really, really brave." Anonymous

Offline Schratz66

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Re: My Story Isn't Over Yet 2
« Reply #45 on: May 18, 2018, 10:30:39 AM »
Oh Dear Lord Fear,

How amazing that you pulled all that off without losing your mind. I think you were fabulous.
I think they check out their brain when they go into MLC. So, let me get this straight - he actually intents to take on a mortgage to buy the marital home that he lived in with you, his wife, and the co mortgage carrier will be OW, who is still married ? Wouldn't that make her H responsible for the mortgage as well ? What kind of crazy juice is that ?

And like you, it would be a cold day in hell before the OW would live with my H in my house EVER.

Go ahead, if he wants to buy it, offer fair market value, buddy.

And I like how he never thought this would happen when he made the agreement years ago when buying your first home. Hey, buddy - this wouldn't have happened if you wouldn't have jumped on the crazy train. Unreal.

You are a much better person than I would ever be to hold back on smacking him repeatedly with his precious bamboo cutting board - they are crazy - their own sub-species.

All kidding aside though, I am so very sorry that you had to go through that but you handled it like a queen. Do not agree to anything unless you run it by your lawyer.

You are a strong lady and you will be okay.

Hugs

Me 50
H 49
AD 20 from previous R
Known H since 1993
Together since 2000
BD 06/21/2017
OW High School Sweetheart lives 4 hrs away

Offline Kitty

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Re: My Story Isn't Over Yet 2
« Reply #46 on: May 18, 2018, 11:29:44 AM »
You handled yourself fantastically FN. It really does take a whole other level of patience to deal with the MLCer when they are in victim mode, which is kind of the vibe I was getting from what you were saying of your H.

It makes me glad that Grumpy and I took care of our separation agreement at the beginning, before he stepped fully into La La Land.
Me 37; H 41
Together 20 years; married 11.5
No kids, no pets
BD #1 Late October 2017 - H says he feels like he is living with a room mate at times (ILYBINILWY) and has considered separation.
BD #2 12/22/17 - Day after legal separation signed, I find out about OW after H said there wasn't one.

"Let the past die. Kill it, if you have to. It's the only way for you to become what you are meant to be." Kylo Ren - Star Wars: The Last Jedi

Offline FamilyIsMyGoal

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Re: My Story Isn't Over Yet 2
« Reply #47 on: May 18, 2018, 03:50:32 PM »
Wow! FN!  You did beautifully!!  I am so proud of you!  That must have been incredibly hard.  I could only have those conversations through email.  Wow!

Kitty made a good point about being in victim mode.  It's amazing that so many of them seem to do this.  Their sense of entitlement blows me away.


but it was very clear his intention was to put her on our mortgage. Over my dead, cold, lifeless body... will that ever happen. Who in their right mind (an MLC'er) agrees to buy a home with a woman, who is still living with her husband, and you have known them less that 6 months. I see that as manipulation at it's finest. I don't even know that bat snot bonkers covers that!! "  - I'm sitting here shaking my head at this craziness.  I mean really? I feel so badly for her husband and kids.  Geez, wtf!  Talk about "affair down"!

You are a class act in every way.  How wonderful that you gave him the spicy pasta that he likes. When all is said and done, no matter what happens, we know we behaved with dignity and true class.

Of course you're going to fall apart after a convo like that.  This is all too much to process in too short of a time.  I hope you can really treat yourself to a massage or something this weekend.  xoxo
Divorce Bomb August 6, 2017
Married 19 years
Together 22 years
Physically separated - he's 15 miles away
Two Teenage boys
Me: 54
H 58
OW? I don't know - probably plural

Offline If_only

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Re: My Story Isn't Over Yet 2
« Reply #48 on: May 18, 2018, 09:00:13 PM »
That quote from family made me cry too! Wow what an awesome niece!💕I must remember that as these trials and tribulations are so hard to get through and what a lovely thought. I wonder if we took it a step further and put our hands over our hearts ♥️ and remembered the unconditional love we had for our h ( when they were pre MLC) and how much they suffer - I wonder if that would be too hard for us since we are suffering.
FN - I felt like I was there with you. I went through all the awkwardness and all the strange ideas. 
You did great FN ! I’m so glad you have this forum as well as your faith.   Such a sad situation but he will keep working through it all without you for now. Once they have spent time together - they may realize their lives are not great FN and you have continued working on yourself. You are doing so much right!  I am so sorry you have to go through all this and seeing someone you once knew act so differently!
Lots of support and big hugs! Xoxo IF


Offline Treasur

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Re: My Story Isn't Over Yet 2
« Reply #49 on: May 18, 2018, 10:03:21 PM »
FN, I wish that I had been able to act like this earlier and more often. You are quite extraordinary, and it must have taken digging deep and tremendous courage to act as you did. A fine balance between self-respect, not denying current reality and grace. One of those times when we find a little bit more in us than we even thought we had, something to look back on with genuine pride in the future. Exhausting and emotional afterwards, but the biggest best bit of you FN...and I hope that you see that too and are as proud of you as we are.
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD)
No kids.
BD Oct 15. OW since Apr 16?
H filed Jan 17. Divorced April 18

Grateful for any appearance of the tiny karma bus  
"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

 

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