Author Topic: My Story Reassembling - while the MLCer is still trying to dismantle  (Read 1139 times)

Offline MourningDoveTopic starter

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My Story Re: Reassembling - while the MLCer is still trying to dismantle
« Reply #50 on: May 17, 2018, 03:16:25 PM »
I am going to scream and get it out of my system.

D has no idea what has transpired. She bounced into the kitchen and looked lovely. She was all smiles.

S had just left. He is not going to the event. Somehow in all of the mix we did not keep him in the loop. He seemed annoyed, but said he was not angry with D or I, as we have been all running around like mad and frankly, he is tired and doesn't want to go sit in the auditorium. But there was something bothering him, and I knew it. He said he was aggravated with his boss, but again, I knew that was not it.

He had gone to GF's last night, so I had not seen him until this evening.

Then it came out. Seems XH felt he needed to involve S in this madness. S said his F claims D kept information from him about this event and what time it starts, etc. I was fuming and said to S that was not the case, as we had informed him and D had repeated the information. Furthermore, it was on the calendar he screen shotted to her. And it is on the school calendar. I am not sure what his issue is. I snapped at S and then apologized to him. It is not S's fault and not fair of me to be annoyed with S. I explained I did not like that his F put him in the middle of this. XH texted me the other day to wish me a Happy Mother's Day, so he is not exactly afraid of contact.

It is just more manipulation to make him the victim.

S and I are okay, but I hate this. XH's need to be a victim is really ridiculous.

On a funny note, my coworker was in the convenience store of the gas station while I was having my dress mishap. I groaned when he told me and said that was just perfect. He said not to worry, he was the only one in there and the cashier was busy. He said it was not nearly as noticeable from his vantage point. I laughed and said it must have been a bit more noticeable from the other angle. He laughed and said at least the gentleman didn't give me his number. He did add that it was rather amusing watching me try and pump gas and keep from flashing people.

I am not going to live this down.  ::) I will be wearing pants the rest of the school year.

Offline MourningDoveTopic starter

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Re: Reassembling - while the MLCer is still trying to dismantle
« Reply #51 on: May 17, 2018, 07:36:17 PM »
I will preface this post by saying I am past my anger and have centered myself. I am just documenting the insanity of the evening at this point.

D's friend came and picked her up for her National Honor Society Induction. My M called and asked if I wanted to ride over with them. I wish I had driven separately, for a couple of reasons.

One was the ride over my parents were very tired. They had been out with friends for the day who are visiting from out of state and they had all had a full day excursion. So, it meant my parents did not want to linger after the ceremony. D wanted to visit with her friends. The other thing was on the way over my M and I had a rather quick spat. My F came to my defense. There was some confusion as to where in the school they were holding the event, as it turned out the auditorium was too big, so they opted for an alternate location. My M said I should contact XH and tell him. I said I would do no such thing. Childish, perhaps, but I said after his little game earlier he could reach out to me if he had questions but I was not going to engage with him. My M was feeling bad for him. I told her would be nice and answer any questions he fielded, but he could figure it out on his own.

After the stunts he pulled at the ceremony, my M changed her tune and said she now sees why I am not going out of my way to have contact with him.

The ceremony was held in a small room. XH put himself in the very front row. He obviously found his way to the right place all by himself.  ::)  I caught a glimpse of him and he was not happy as I was greeted by countless teachers, the superintendent, the principal, friends of D and parents. I sat several rows back. D came in and spotted both of us immediately.

Each inductee was introduced by a current member. D's friend introduced her and gave a wonderful speech about how D had overcome some big changes in her life, including an ankle injury. She spoke of how much school she missed and how she has worked so incredibly hard to get where she is. D was tearing up as were a couple of her teachers. Her friend mentioned her future plans, most of which I don't think her F has any clue. The principal got up and talked about how he knew that there were countless parents and other people who helped support each of the kids to help them.

After the ceremony, I looked around and XH was nowhere to be seen. He had completely vanished. D's friend came over with her parents and the M asked me where the "creature" was. She had seen him earlier. She is the M who took D in last summer when XH had D in knots. I said I had no idea.

D came over. My parents had gotten her flowers, as had I. She had tears in her eyes. She could see her F the whole evening very clearly. She said he took a couple of pictures which he made sure he shared with BIL and SIL in a group message - the facade. But the whole ceremony he texted. She said she walked by him when she exited the stage and turned around and he was gone. He texted "nice job" and disappeared.

We lingered for a bit, but my parents were pacing. When D recounted the events my M was fuming. D got out of the car and my M changed her tune with me and apologized. She said she now understands why I am just beyond helping XH.

D and I were standing in the driveway when we noticed XH's SUV was there. It was behind S's truck so we didn't see it at first. He was there to take S to dinner. He said hello to D, but nothing else. They got in the car and then started to pull out of the driveway. XH then rolled the window down and asked D as an afterthought. She said she was not hungry.

I was climbing the walls. I asked her if she wanted to take a walk. She said no. She was going to sit in the lawn with her cat and they were going to watch the sunset. (They did just that). I took a long walk with the dog. I got some amazing photos of the sunset and the breeze was blowing just right. The air was filled with the smell of honeysuckle and lilacs that were easily 1/4 of a mile away. I decompressed pretty quickly.

D was better.

I walked into the entry way and saw a sculpture on the ground. I asked D about it. It was not there earlier. It was the sculpture XH had stolen from my F. His story to D was it was his F's - as in it was in his F's room in our house, so XH thought it belonged to FIL. Hmmmm- BS and D knew it. She knew that was a lie. He said he was going to use it as a doorstop, but he thought D would like to have it since her other grandfather made it.

WTF is going on? I would like to think it is a blip of clarity and guilt, but then I also wonder if he is cleaning out. A common thing for him to do when he is under immense stress or going to make a big change in his life.

Do I care? Sadly, not really. I have the sculpture back. That is a positive.

As for the rest, I am sad for D, but she recovered quickly. She said she is not going to play into his victim mode. She knows he is not well, but she said that is in his control and only he can address the issues.

I anticipate at this rate graduation is going to bring down a serious storm for XH. His B is not going to fall for the show XH was putting on. D will not tattle, but BIL and SIL know her well enough to know her expression on camera and will read her mood pretty accurately. I know BIL will make sure D is the focus on graduation day and there will be no shenanigans, but I am preparing for a sh!tstorm. I don't want the drama, but it needs to happen. D needs to know someone from XH's side has her back, and her B's. XH is loosing ground with D and he may push away the one B he thought the most of. The B he idolized as a kid.

Stupid MLC XH.


Offline Savoir Faire

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Re: Reassembling - while the MLCer is still trying to dismantle
« Reply #52 on: May 17, 2018, 10:42:40 PM »
Your H is such an idiot MD, so much like mine.  Best part of mine now is that he never contacts due to his immense guilt and I have no concern about that eating him up over time.  The more he suffers for the things he's done, the better.  Some days I feel kinder than this but not that many now.  He made his bed......

It make me angry they play the victim all the time and are such cowards.  The cowardice is really annoying. The lies they tell are also crazy making.

I am glad you got over it all quickly, it really isn't worth spending time stressing over, as they don't deserve our time at all until they act like adults.

Your D knows how stupid he is and although it's sad her father is a fool which is humiliating in itself, she knows it's nothing to do with her and she's in the right place in her life.

I hope this makes your xH thinky, as he could do with using his grey matter for a useful purpose.
"And when they ask you about me and you find yourself thinking back on all of our memories,
I hope you ache in regret as the truth hits you like a bullet and you find yourself replying: ""She loved me more than anyone else in the entire world and I tried to destroy her."  He failed by the way. 
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8412(Denjef's thread)

Online UrsaMajor

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Re: Reassembling - while the MLCer is still trying to dismantle
« Reply #53 on: May 18, 2018, 12:33:29 AM »
What a

If there is anything amusing about the whole debacle it is that he has really gone out of his way to PROVE to God, Country and Family that he is bat-snot bonkers.... "She never tells me anything" while screenshoting the calendar with the information in it...

I mean, seriously, 

Quote from: MourningDove
D's friend came over with her parents and the M asked me where the "creature" was. She had seen him earlier.
And it is becoming more and more obvious to everyone around so ....

And, at the rate he is imploding, the results will probably be something like


The whole stolen sculpture thing is so interesting.... He brings it back, says that D "might like it because it was made by her OTHER Grandfather" (WTF?) and says he was going to use it as a doorstop? Just goes to show you how messed up his ENTIRE thought process is... If it was guilt or purging, I don't really think it makes that big of a difference. The main thing is that you got it back. The reasons xH brought it back are rather irrelevant at this stage because he is seriously on the

and it's looking more and more like a one-way trip....

Maybe we should hook him up with Watcher's Bat-Snot Crazy victim mode W....
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A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Offline MourningDoveTopic starter

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Re: Reassembling - while the MLCer is still trying to dismantle
« Reply #54 on: May 18, 2018, 08:38:17 AM »
Savoir Faire - I hope XH does some soul searching. But that is not something I am going to expect. I too am just past the point of caring.

I had to explain this to my M. On a human level, I do care what happens to XH. But, on a personal level this MLC version of my XH does not deserve my patience. As long as he wants to manipulate and play the victim, I cannot put my energy there. I don't want to.

UrsaMajor - Thank you for the laughs. LOL.

As far as the sculpture, I have a couple of theories as to what it might mean. But, there too, I just don't care any longer. I have to put my focus where I can make a difference, and for now that is on my own life and the kids.

XH sent me a text late last night. He tried to guilt me for the miscommunication with S. S and I discussed it when he got home last night. I apologized for D and I somehow not making it clear with him - the date and time. S said it was okay. He actually had a very long day at work and liked being home alone, washing his truck last night to release the stress.

XH's text was long and he did his best to work me over. I responded with a "thanks for letting me know, but I have already addressed it. We are fine."

XH will believe what he wants. I am a horrible woman in his mind. I no longer buy his version of me. I used to - for way too long.
D was so hurt by the events last night and then for her F to say he was going to use her grandfather's sculpture as a doorstop really hurt. She is very close to my parents, and has said that they are always there for her events, etc. She is protective of them and adores my F. She knows my M has been there for her for doctor appointments, etc when I can't be. But, she and my F like to discuss culture and academics. They get in deep discussions all the time about so many subjects. She has a huge amount of respect for how hard he works. Her exposure to his artwork is very different from S's, as S actually works along side my F sometimes. D, though has a sensitivity to what each piece means to my F. She knew right away that my F would  have never given FIL a piece of artwork. My F is very selective about who he GIVES work to. It does happen, but it comes with my F knowing that person will appreciate the work.

There is no way he gave that piece to FIL, as he had no patience for FIL. My F hated how FIL treated my XH and how he was treating the rest of us. Add that my FIL dismissed what my F did for a living as frivolous - and it was not just the artwork that he poo-pooed. He made comments about my F being a professor. There was always commentary. If you did not follow the path FIL followed, you must be "less than".

D was very upset with her F. She did not sleep at all last night. I went to wake her up for school. She had been crying at some point last night, as her eyes were very puffy. She lifted her head from the pillow and I said I thought she needed to just stay in bed and sleep for a bit. She gave me a little smile and said she did. She was drained.

She was up and getting dressed as I was going to work. She was disappointed, as she had originally planned on going on the optional field trip today. She commented that her F's behavior sucked the life out of her. It is a feeling I know all too well.

I am not worried, she will bounce back.

Offline MourningDoveTopic starter

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Re: Reassembling - while the MLCer is still trying to dismantle
« Reply #55 on: May 18, 2018, 01:42:38 PM »
I have not been able to really wake up today. I have been fighting the desire to just go home and crawl in bed.

I think it is a combination of things. The end of the semester. Running around for D for her prom, and other events. Crazy sinus weather and of course the icing on the cake - XH's monster showing up.

D met me at the gallery so that we can go and buy shoes for her gown for the senior ball. Tomorrow it is off for alterations to the dress. I have a noon meeting, which I am still trying to figure out how that is going to happen. I will manage it somehow.

D is very pale today. She is not herself and when I asked she said she was just tired. It is no doubt true, but the exhaustion is largely in part due to the stress, I am sure.

She came in the gallery and was pleasant, but I noticed a reserved aspect to her behavior. I doubt anyone else picked up on it.

She sat down on the gallery couch and it was only 10 minutes until she was fast asleep on the couch. Luckily it is quiet in here this afternoon. It had been quite busy earlier. I don't expect a mad rush this afternoon. Too many college graduations, etc gearing up right now, so our traffic is always slower during those times.

I am amazed at how much energy XH drains from all of us. It makes me wonder how must he feel after being the monster? Is it an adrenaline rush and he comes crashing down, or is the monster able to refuel in a short time? I really don't want to experience it, it is just one of those things that I think about in a general sense of the crisis.

Ultimately, the answers will not help me to move forward with my own life. They don't change my course in terms of XH. It is just one of those things that rolls around in my head at times.

Offline Savoir Faire

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Re: Reassembling - while the MLCer is still trying to dismantle
« Reply #56 on: May 18, 2018, 11:51:28 PM »
Monster must have an effect on them, surely!!

I think of times when H and I would fight during the 'normal' part of our marriage and it didn't happen very often.  I remember feeling physically sick the next day, drained and felt like bursting into tears and none of it was due to the content of the fight itself, but the pure emotion of being that wound up and angry.  It would take me a day or two to get back to center again.

These guys monster is so much nastier than most arguments we have in a marriage, full of venom and spew, so I hope they hate themselves a LOT after they reflect.  This would either make me run harder and play harder to convince myself it was all his fault or I would feel so bad I would make amends by doing something to show I ws sorry so that's probably why they contact.

When my H was in monster one night, he would bring home something for me the next night to say sorry without actually saying it, and then proceed to have another monster session because he regretted being nice to me in the first place :o
"And when they ask you about me and you find yourself thinking back on all of our memories,
I hope you ache in regret as the truth hits you like a bullet and you find yourself replying: ""She loved me more than anyone else in the entire world and I tried to destroy her."  He failed by the way. 
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8412(Denjef's thread)

Offline MourningDoveTopic starter

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Re: Reassembling - while the MLCer is still trying to dismantle
« Reply #57 on: May 19, 2018, 06:11:24 AM »
Savoir Faire - The monster is draining for everyone.

We too argued when were married, but it happened more as MLC rolled in. Before that I would classify our arguments as heated debates or disagreements. We rarely went to bed mad. In those days, if XH was at fault, he would own it. Or we would agree to disagree.

The full on arguing grew with the MLC monster and it was venomous. My XH said things to me that cut to the bone. My responses were not productive. I didn't know how to deal with the monster, at all. I would try and avoid the arguments and this angered the monster, because I clearly was dismissing his feelings, according to the monster. Or, I would argue with him, to which he seemed to rise to the challenge and would fall into what I used to refer to as "lawyer mode" and I was only to answer yes or no as a response.

The monster, never, ever said he was sorry, nor would he admit fault. He would pretend like it didn't happen or he would hold on to the anger for days. Or, my favorite - he would be fine for weeks and then it would be brought back up when he was looking for a reason to escape.

I realize now that neither approach was effective and frankly, it would not have made any difference in terms of the MLC. What it has made a difference in now is my own well being.

There is no point in trying to argue with the monster. It is wasted energy. But, the monster still drains us - all of us.

D was better by the afternoon and had her boyfriend over to watch movies in the den. I like this young man, quite well. He is very calm and respectful of the rules. He was keenly aware of what had transpired at the induction. While she thought she hid her emotions quite well (she did put on a good public show) he picked up on her true feelings. She said he didn't try and fix things for her, but listened.

S, on the other hand, was in a funk. He is exhausted. He said it was a long day at work, but I know him well enough to know that there was more to it. I let him be and told him I was going to bed, but if he needed to talk, he could wake me up.

I have been thinking about the sculpture coming back. I am grateful to have it back in my possession. My F saw it on the mantle yesterday and was all smiles. He had clearly forgotten I had originally returned it to him when the divorce process started. I had returned most of the artwork at that point that he had loaned us, as they were not our possessions. I missed a couple of pieces that XH ran off with, but they are of little value and not worth arguing over. The sculpture was a different story.

My F saw the piece and was looking at the patina on it. As it is an award he designed, it turns out he recently cast several others for that organization. He was blissfully unaware of the travels this particular piece had been on.

My sister is the only one in my family (including the kids) who knows the tale of the sculpture. When I told her XH had returned it, she had the same feelings I did. She knew he had it in his window at the cottage, She saw the same pictures I saw when the kids were showing us XH's dog. The sculpture was facing as if it was looking out the window. All seemed very symbolic.

She said to me yesterday that he is in clean out mode again. Yup. Well, that happens when he is under immense stress. He does epic purges and it was usually before he would do what I now realize was run away. He would take an impromptu trip somewhere. But, this time it feels different.

The purge is bringing up some scenarios that may occur.

I have considered the possibility that he is suicidal. It has crossed my mind on and off throughout this madness. But, as I have pointed out to others, I cannot help him. He won't listen to me. It is sad. I would feel horrible and hope that he is not that desperate. But, there is nothing I can do at this point unless I witness something.

But, I have been down this road before. He was so depressed when were taken by that client so many years ago. I reached out to his family and aside from my one sane BIL, the rest dismissed it and said he would be fine. He muddled through the depression, but it was with my support and sane BIL, who would call from Germany almost daily to nudge XH.

Unless he wants help, there is nothing we can do. He has surrounded himself with friends that are only his friends when it suits them. There are very few, if any that will see he is falling apart.

Now, that is obviously the worst case scenario. There is the possibility he may just vanish.

Or it could simply be that he is going to go through another change.

All point to one thing though - avoiding the pain.

I have only pondered these things in order to prepare myself. Not for me, but for the kid's sake. I am not thinking about them as predictions, but as possibilities and knowing I have to be at least aware of these scenarios. The monster is unpredictable and while I would like to completely be free of him, as long as the kids are spending time with him, he has to enter into my thoughts.

But, those thoughts are not plaguing me or holding me hostage. I have many things to look forward to. I have a busy day today. I have some design work to finish up and then D is getting her dress altered for the ball. A meeting at noon, which hopefully I can wrap up fairly quickly.

The afternoon is supposed to be open, unless D drags me to yet another store to look for a dress for graduation. I am getting really tired of stores and malls at the moment. The end of the year shopping excursions are wearing me out. I was a bit annoyed last night when D still needed shoes for her gown and we ended up at the mall. What pushed my buttons was at the end of the night she went back and bought the shoes she tried on days ago at another location. That is when the notion that these are M/D bonding moments goes out the window. LOL.

This evening I have an art opening to attend. It is in the city and the location gives me reason to get dressed up and pretty much anything goes. I have not decided on what I am going to wear, but I think I need to change it up a bit tonight. I am in a bit of a meh mood due to the gloomy weather and being a bit worn out. An event like this allows me to have a bit of fun with my wardrobe. I need the change of pace today.

Offline MourningDoveTopic starter

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Re: Reassembling - while the MLCer is still trying to dismantle
« Reply #58 on: May 19, 2018, 10:06:37 AM »
I need adult interaction that is not work related. LOL

I ran around this morning doing all the work I needed to do. I am waiting to hear back from the person I was supposed to meet at noon. She is a lovely woman, but had her identity stolen twice, so she is paranoid now about giving out her phone number. She either emails me or calls me. No one has her number. We have been waiting on her.

D and I went and got her dress measured for the alterations. One more thing at least in the works.

On the way back D asked me about doing something when we got home. It was something that does not need done right away and I could feel myself getting a bit aggravated. Teenagers often forget that they are not the only ones that exist at times. With D it is a delicate balance. I don't tip toe around her, but I am so aware of how I need to work with her. My insides were about to burst with a desire to say "are you F'ing kidding me", but a deep breath and calmly said that was not going to happen, as I have other things that take precedence right now and it would have to wait. She was not exactly happy with that answer, and I could hear the distinct huff of annoyance. Oh well. She got over it rather quickly and came home and is watching movies on this rainy afternoon.

Part of what has set my mood in motion and needing some adult time is having to look for something. It lead me to having to go to the one closet that houses divorce papers and a box of things I have not looked at yet. It is one of those purges that needs to happen, but it is not pressing.

I did not find what I was looking for, so that has me on edge. I will put my thinking cap on and I am sure I will remember where I stored it. I know why this has me so bothered. It is because of the timing. The item I am looking for is a paper that has some information about my exhibit coming up. I am usually organized about these things, but that paper would have come into my possession the same time the divorce was in motion and when things were rather heated.

Having to open that box up was a bit jarring. Not so much about the divorce. I have made my peace with that part. But that box is a visual of how chaotic and crazy life was. That box has things in it that make no sense. I saw the things that just didn't seem to matter at the time, thrown in the box. A very strong reminder of how much negative energy was swirling around me. I just really didn't care, quite obviously.

I need to just address the box and sort it. It is part of that purge that needs to happen. I need to rid my life of the past chaos. There is enough of that going on daily at times and that is at least manageable.

I tried my best to center myself and then went to deal with some mail that has to go out. I saw the rsvp card to my neighbor's wedding sitting there. Her car happened to be next door and I know she had mentioned she was a bit stressed out because she is having trouble with her mail. I decided to walk the rsvp over and hand it to her. She gave me a big hug and thanked me. She has very few rsvp cards back and is nervous. She saw I marked that I was bringing a guest. She asked who. I laughed and said I had no idea right now, but I have options. LOL One option being my S or D.  ::)

I asked her how she likes her new job. She loves it, except she said she sees XH way too much for her likes. She had invited XH's clients to the wedding.

The one client's W was at the shower. I get along with her, but it was very awkward talking to her as I know she thinks the world of XH (she should in terms of his abilities) but she has also heard plenty of rumors about me. It was not pleasant having to bite my tongue and not want to clear my name, but I did not say anything negative. I didn't even bring up XH. When someone else mentioned it while she was in the room, I had carefully navigated around it by saying that divorce is not an easy road nor one I would have chosen. I said the kids and I were adjusting and left at that.

My neighbor said that yesterday the client's W asked if XH was invited to the wedding and he could sit with them at their table. She said she flat out said he was not invited and there was not a seating chart, as it is a very relaxed reception. (More along the lines of a party where the food is out to nibble on the entire time). She said the woman seemed a bit surprised and luckily the neighbor got a phone call so the wife left. My neighbor said she has no desire to invite XH. She then was worried how I am going to feel with the clients there. I shrugged and said I was friendly with them before and will be fine.

When I came back in, I went back to searching through the box. I realized as I was looking at the box of random things, I kept pulling out books and programs that I tried to fix my marriage. It seems so desperate now on some levels. As I was driving over to my meeting, I thought about how hard I tried. I did learn a great deal about marriage and about myself. None of it mattered in the scheme of XH and his crisis. That is for him to fix. I know that the work I did was not a bad thing. If they had been regular marriage issues all of that work might have turned things around. I know myself better and I think the next person will benefit from all of my hard work. It was not time wasted.

Offline Reallytrying

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Re: Reassembling - while the MLCer is still trying to dismantle
« Reply #59 on: May 19, 2018, 07:20:42 PM »
Definitely not time wasted!

The visual of you at the pump had my cracking up. I just know the person manning the surveillance cameras thought it was his lucky day 😂😂😂😂

 

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