Author Topic: My Story It's probably early-onset MLC. He's the crazy one.  (Read 968 times)

Online DianaDeBelflorTopic starter

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My Story It's probably early-onset MLC. He's the crazy one.
« on: May 10, 2018, 11:03:09 AM »
So, like a good girl I'm starting a new thread.


Here is my old sad thread:
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?action=post;quote=666878;topic=10081.150


Here is the TLDR version of events:
I am 28, a military spouse, a 2nd-year law student, and have recently been accepted into the Air Force ROTC JAG program.
My husband is 30,  an officer in the Army. He is severely depressed. He has low testosterone. He is not on medication. He is not in counseling. He is exhibiting all the signs of MLC.

He dropped the divorce bomb in 2017 for the first time. We worked through things. Then he dropped it again in in March of 2018. This time around he found himself an OW, whom I lovingly call "the barracks wh*r^" behind his back. She is 21 (and looks 5 years older than I), flightly, uneducated, frumpy, unattractive, and lives in half a country away. My husband flew her out and most likely had sex with her. Currently, he is carrying on an emotional affair with her long distance. The OW may or may not have a new boyfriend. I think she's trying to make up her mind between two men and my husband is in hot pursuit.

He is determined to make sure that I am okay. As far as I know, I still get all his benefits if something happens to him. He is deploying to Syria on May 27th, 2018 and will be gone for 9-10 months. He lied to his family and told them that he will be gone a year. He does not want anyone there when he comes back and he expects to come back even more messed up than he already is. He plans to never contact his mother or any other family member again.

We had sex last night for the first time since he asked for divorce and now he's running back to her at full speed.

Objectively speaking, he doesn't care whom he runs to. He tried Tinder while he was dating her. He opened a new Facebook account and is looking for women there. But he did update his picture to them together.

I will be filing for divorce around the day he is due back. I have to.

Online DianaDeBelflorTopic starter

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Re: It's probably early-onset MLC. He's the crazy one.
« Reply #1 on: May 10, 2018, 11:05:17 AM »
Last replies from my old thread:

How do you jump from leaving money in the account to buying an engagement ring.  I think you are going to damage your ankles with all of that jumping to conclusions.
Easy. Two weeks ago he was looking at cheap engagement rings on his phone. Obsessively. Their price? Just shy of $300 after tax.

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You are very early days and all over the place, which is completely normal.  Your amygdala must be working in overtime.  Yes, it is interesting to know what they are up and most of us spied whether we admit or not, but you will get to the place where you really don't want to know what is going on.
Yes, and I suspect that this time will be somewhere around August 1st, 2018. Can't wait.

But you know, if I hadn't snooped, I may have gone back on getting rid of the lease. That would have been a catastrophic mistake. Snooping, in a weird way, is my reality check.

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I think you have a couple of blessings that maybe you aren't considering.  You are embarking on an exciting new adventure that will keep you busy and engaged.  He is going to a scary, distant place where he will have a lot of time to think about his life and his choices.
Yes, I have thought of that. Hence the dilemma I expressed to Thunder. I will be fine. I'm pretty sure he won't be. I still don't hate him enough to be okay with the later.

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Instead of morbidly thinking about who should get his death benefit (if I'm reading that right), how about forgetting about him entirely and focusing on you and making a date with yourself for a year in the future to reassess where you guys stand, and until then, just free-floating in space, finding peace, finding yourself, and determining your worth. 
I am not this nice. I do not expect him to sign the promissory note or send it. If I did, I would have never written it. Also, tomorrow I am taking out a second insurance policy on him in case he lied to me.

What I wanted was to make sure that he stops talking to me about himself in terms of how much money he is worth for risking his hide. The message, although clumsily delivered, seems to have gotten through.

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You are so young and don't have kids and mortgages and massive joint debt.  Do you ever look at some of us older ones who have been dealing with this a long time and ask yourself whether you still want to be doing this in 20 years.  Still pumping air into that old, tattered tire every time it goes flat.

Give yourself the year.  Have fun, be mysterious.  Do you.
Honestly? I want to lovingly slap every one of you and yell "What are you doing!? Get the F&CK out! You are worth so much more than this!!!"

Guess I love you guys more than I love myself.  ;D

But I am on a forced timeline. I have until he comes back. Then I have to file regardless of what I might want. That's the beauty of my plan! When I wrote it out, I was angry and hurt, and in a much darker place than I am now. This plan keeps rolling no matter how I feel or whether I want to backtrack. Every time I think of reneging, I check up on him and get back to following my script.

What do you mean, it serves you right???  Ah no, you did nothing to deserve this.
I was soft. Lesson learned.

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I think Mort is right, he just freaked out the he was with you, intimately, so he is running.
They get scared of those feeling for you.
Maybe I am the most egotistical woman in the world, but I do believe that this man is in love with me. I know he's messed up. I know he's running. But it is me whom he's concerned about. In his own way, he is making sure that I am okay. He and I will eventually go and get his my.pay password updated so that I can log in. If he lied to me about the benefits, he wouldn't have agreed to go do this - all that information is there.

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Just try not to say anything.  I'm sure she wants this to bother you.
Show them different.  The Queen is not bothered.
It's possible though she doesn't know.
Actually, I think he thinks that I don't know. I think she doesn't think so either. She blocked me on Facebook the minute they started texting--she actually sought out my profile and blocked me (a friend helped me figure that out). They think they're stealthy. He thinks that he can lie to me whom he talks to on the phone or whether the call originated from him. Pfft! Please! These are not bright people.

Also, he told me that she doesn't know about his Tinder excursion... and she definitely doesn't know about last night.

What use is that to me? Lordy! Who knows!?

I just texted him to send me the papers. I gave him my new email with my maiden name on it. Don't intend to be home till about 11 p.m. I have to work on my paper and I have a divorce support group meeting. I will be coming home looking like a million bucks: I'm wearing a romper and tan heels that make my legs look incredible (last time I have worn it, a classmate who's a natural body builder stopped me to tell me that I looked "stunning").

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Will you please start a new thread, Diana?  Thank you.
Will do!


I get the feeling that control might be your 'thing'...good for decisive action and self-discipline but an Achilles heel in this kind of situation because it sucks you into trying to game out the unplayable and control the unknown.
Oh, go with the feeling!

But it's a mixed bag, isn't it?

I took action fast. Looking back, everything I decided to do about the divorce and have done up to now was 100% correct. I may not be able to interact well with him (yet), but I have been spot on when it comes to what to do about him and about my situation.

I shudder to think where I would be if I didn't bully him into giving up the lease, if I didn't block his cards, and if I didn't go to see the divorce lawyer.

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Let it be if you can't let it go. CYA. Keep your emotional tinder dry and see how you feel in 6-9 months.
It's early days so don't feel you have to run at all the fences simultaneously.
But you really don't have to hate him even when you hate what he's doing.
I'd be better of hating him, honestly. My fear is that I will somehow end up with him living on my couch and me taking him to his VA appointments. In perpetuity.  :-\

Offline Treasur

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Re: It's probably early-onset MLC. He's the crazy one.
« Reply #2 on: May 10, 2018, 11:21:21 AM »
Control is a mixed bag, Diana - really good for some stuff but it can be a way of hiding from other stuff. (I am, of course, Ms Pot possibly introducing myself to a younger Ms Kettle...!). Knowing which is often about making a little space for self-truth and chewing before jumping into action. 3 mins, 3 days, 3 weeks. The universe is giving you at least 9 months now that you've triaged the 'clear & present danger' stuff.

Why do you have to file the day he is due back?

PS Love the new thread title  ;D
« Last Edit: May 10, 2018, 11:22:28 AM by Treasur »
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD)
No kids.
BD Oct 15. OW since Apr 16?
H filed Jan 17. Divorced April 18

Grateful for any appearance of the tiny karma bus  
"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline Thunder

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Re: It's probably early-onset MLC. He's the crazy one.
« Reply #3 on: May 10, 2018, 11:51:29 AM »
Welcome to you new thread, Diana.

You know a lot can change in 9/10 months.  Maybe see how he acts over the next 6 months or so?  There is no rush, you will be busy too.
With her permission, a quote from a recovered MLCer: 
From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did.

Online DianaDeBelflorTopic starter

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Re: It's probably early-onset MLC. He's the crazy one.
« Reply #4 on: May 10, 2018, 12:04:46 PM »
Control is a mixed bag, Diana - really good for some stuff but it can be a way of hiding from other stuff. (I am, of course, Ms Pot possibly introducing myself to a younger Ms Kettle...!). Knowing which is often about making a little space for self-truth and chewing before jumping into action. 3 mins, 3 days, 3 weeks. The universe is giving you at least 9 months now that you've triaged the 'clear & present danger' stuff.

Why do you have to file the day he is due back?

PS Love the new thread title  ;D
Oh, I fully admit that you are right. And I did want to sleep with him. Sex definitely wasn't as good as I remember, but my chastity belt was beginning to pinch a little. Now I wonder if there is a way to use it to my advantage or if there is any reason to sleep with him again (I may have an opportunity next week).

Right now he's running around getting the paperwork done for me. I think he may have gone back and forth between class and his office several times.

I'm still triaging here, actually. I have a whole grocery list of things that need to get done before he leaves and even more after he goes. For example, I'm almost done consolidating our joint credit card debt. Once that is done, I am freezing his credit. I do not want him taking out another credit card while we are married, and I am terrified that he will give her enough information that she might.

He also had a flight to Chicago show up on his phone feed showing that it is my scheduled flight. I did no such thing and I checked the credit cards - nothing. However, I am now wondering about my checkbook that was sitting in the same drawer as my jewelry. I worry that now I need to check my debit account statement... and since that is my main account, it'll take a while.

It's fires. Always fires.

And now I have to ask myself whether sleeping with him again will make him more pliable or whether it's just something I want because this man and I have had pretty good sex for the past 9 years.


Now, about the divorce. It's simple: jurisdiction.

He will not file now because he has no money to file with and he's really not thinking about doing it either. In his mind, apparently, asking for divorce is as good as going out and getting a divorce.

I cannot file while he is gone because he has to be served with the paperwork and that cannot happen in Syria.

It's not to my advantage financially to file now or while he's gone (even if "while he's gone" was an option).

He will probably try to file when he comes back. Only at that point he will be living in one state and I in another. The divorce laws in the state where I go to school are to my advantage (better than my wildest dreams, actually). The laws in the state where he is stationed are to his advantage. There is no preference on which state to file in - it's whomever files first. Clearly, I intend to file first.


Welcome to you new thread, Diana.

You know a lot can change in 9/10 months.  Maybe see how he acts over the next 6 months or so?  There is no rush, you will be busy too.
Thunder, unless I read that girl wrong, he will be coming home to nothing and no one. He will have no house. His car will not run. And I will leave in his account exactly what he is entitled to by law: 1/2 of his paycheck after the debt payment. I'll be amazed if his cellphone will be working by that point.

If he ever chooses to crawls back to me, it will be then. Sometimes I think that's what I want. But I also know him. He will not contact me when he's overseas. I don't expect to hear from him even once unless there is an emergency. So, do I really want to be his last resort? Do I want him running back to me because he has nothing else left?

No, I have to file. If something changes, then he needs to convince me not to go through with this. If not, at least I'll be okay financially.

Online DianaDeBelflorTopic starter

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Re: It's probably early-onset MLC. He's the crazy one.
« Reply #5 on: May 10, 2018, 01:50:37 PM »
So... Holy God, update! I'm so sick to my stomach that I am I doing my best right now not to vomit.

I don't know where to begin. Beginning, I guess?

It all happened in the span of less than an hour.

He searched for me on Facebook. Then he searched for his sister. Then he searched how to block accounts. Then he changed his name on Facebook. Then he blocked two accounts. I used my main account and saw that he indeed blocked me. I then used my mule account and found him with no problem. Then he searched for the option to delete his account. And then he deleted his account. Between blocking me and deleting his new Facebook account a total of 3 minutes has elapsed.

I refreshed the timeline again and saw his phone feed. Some of it is a mixture of what I searched for and what he searched for... But there is one thing I know I never searched for: Assisted Suicide.

We own no guns. My husband is not a violent person. If he was to take his own life, it'd be with pills.

He did not use Chrome to search for that, if he did search for it - I would have seen it. But if he used another app like Wikipedia, it'd still pop up on the feed.

So, I don't know if he actually searched for it. I know that I didn't.

My first instinct is to go home and wait for him. I don't know if I'm overreacting.

So, yeah, here I am.

Offline Unraveled

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Re: It's probably early-onset MLC. He's the crazy one.
« Reply #6 on: May 10, 2018, 01:59:04 PM »
There is a significant difference between assisted suicide and suicide.  Does he have some terminal illness (I'm guessing you could tell by looking at him if he really wanted assisted suicide)?  You definitely need to calm way down.  He may not have even typed it.  Maybe he was curious on behalf of someone else.  I would absolutely not mention it to him.  He's just cycling. The Facebook stuff is probably just trying to keep you from figuring out what he is up to.  This is just like the ring thing.  Looking at rings and having some stupid fantasy is not the same thing as about to propose.  If you don't stop this your cortisol levels are going to go through the roof and then you'll have all the problems associated with that (including weight gain).

Offline Ready2Transform

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Re: It's probably early-onset MLC. He's the crazy one.
« Reply #7 on: May 10, 2018, 02:09:12 PM »
I may get a slap on the wrist for this, but I think it's important because your spouse is so young AND currently military. "MLC" as we believe it to be shares a lot of symptoms with other disorders, but is not something that happens to people in their 20s (we sometimes do talk about the "quarter life crisis" happening then, but that's almost less popular in the mainstream view than MLC is!). That can actually be good news because in your spouse's case, he may be treatable, especially for his depression. If it's bipolar (which often starts being symptomatic in a person's 20's), medication can regulate things. Or talk therapy can help if he is open to it, in order to get a plan going to help him function better. If it's PTSD, that's also something that can benefit from services the VA offers. My next door neighbor presents a LOT like my bipolar/MLC xH, but is neither of those things - he's PTSD from Desert Storm, which was triggered a few years ago when he became a police officer. He's thriving in treatment now.

Have you thought about reaching out to the VA for some information? I know you probably don't want to report anything due to how it may affect his career, but I know my neighbor's wife has benefited from being active in his treatment and keeping herself in the loop.
"Unconditional love is the highest of high standards, and while we are letting go of our need to control the process of anyone else, we are taking within our lives complete accountability for our own experience."

http://seriousvanity.com/how-to-cultivate-unconditional-love-and-change-the-world/

Online DianaDeBelflorTopic starter

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Re: It's probably early-onset MLC. He's the crazy one.
« Reply #8 on: May 10, 2018, 02:49:27 PM »
There is a significant difference between assisted suicide and suicide.  Does he have some terminal illness (I'm guessing you could tell by looking at him if he really wanted assisted suicide)?  You definitely need to calm way down.  He may not have even typed it.  Maybe he was curious on behalf of someone else.  I would absolutely not mention it to him.  He's just cycling. The Facebook stuff is probably just trying to keep you from figuring out what he is up to.  This is just like the ring thing.  Looking at rings and having some stupid fantasy is not the same thing as about to propose.  If you don't stop this your cortisol levels are going to go through the roof and then you'll have all the problems associated with that (including weight gain).
So, before he commissioned, he was a field medic. There are plenty of assisted suicide websites that tell you how many pills to take and the pills can be obtained over the counter. He had suicide prevention training, so, he would know this.

You also haven't seen him last night or this morning. He was scaring me. Much of what he told me isn't new. The depression. The fear that his old self is gone. The belief that he is not a good person. The desire to be forgotten. The desire to be alone.

"Finish line," now that's a new one and he wasn't talking about it in the long term. He's not mine anymore, I know that, but this is different.

The odds of me gaining weight are slim to none - I stop eating when I am stressed.  ;D

I may get a slap on the wrist for this, but I think it's important because your spouse is so young AND currently military. "MLC" as we believe it to be shares a lot of symptoms with other disorders, but is not something that happens to people in their 20s (we sometimes do talk about the "quarter life crisis" happening then, but that's almost less popular in the mainstream view than MLC is!). That can actually be good news because in your spouse's case, he may be treatable, especially for his depression. If it's bipolar (which often starts being symptomatic in a person's 20's), medication can regulate things. Or talk therapy can help if he is open to it, in order to get a plan going to help him function better. If it's PTSD, that's also something that can benefit from services the VA offers. My next door neighbor presents a LOT like my bipolar/MLC xH, but is neither of those things - he's PTSD from Desert Storm, which was triggered a few years ago when he became a police officer. He's thriving in treatment now.

Have you thought about reaching out to the VA for some information? I know you probably don't want to report anything due to how it may affect his career, but I know my neighbor's wife has benefited from being active in his treatment and keeping herself in the loop.
I begged him to get help. I knew he needed it for a while. He refuses because it will ruin his career. Most of our fights this past fall were about him getting help.

And therein lies the problem. If he gets treated for whatever he has, he will not be able to deploy and he will be kicked out of the service in a few years for lacking that deployment patch and hitting the "up and out" wall. I cannot go talking to anyone behind his back - it's just not my choice to make.

If I have to, I will get him committed, but that would have to be a last resort thing.

Sadly, I do think that he is treatable. However, he cannot even go to see a therapist on his insurance because the military would require that therapist to report back every red flag, and my husband has A LOT of those. Aggression, emotional withdrawal, indifference to his own life--he doesn't even need to have suicidal thoughts because he's a giant walking red flag with or without them.

Offline Ready2Transform

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Re: It's probably early-onset MLC. He's the crazy one.
« Reply #9 on: May 10, 2018, 03:01:07 PM »
Totally understood. Mine was an army reservist for six years, inactive ready reserve for two. Activated during Desert Storm, but his unit worked it where he served stateside (at his unit in our city even). When he would travel yearly with them for their two week duty in San Diego, he would have an episode. Of course back then, I was a very young girl and had no idea what all of it meant long term. But in hindsight, I see he likely had shown some signs of something and in order to keep him enlisted, they pulled some strings to keep him out of longer term active duty. I guess in that regard you'll have the benefit of his unit also being with him day in/day out, and you will no longer be the only one who is seeing how he presents. They can keep a mask on some of the time, but not 24/7. I think that's also what happened with my neighbor and why he is no longer able to be a police officer (or work at all - he is on disability).
"Unconditional love is the highest of high standards, and while we are letting go of our need to control the process of anyone else, we are taking within our lives complete accountability for our own experience."

http://seriousvanity.com/how-to-cultivate-unconditional-love-and-change-the-world/

 

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