Author Topic: My Story It's probably early-onset MLC. He's the crazy one.  (Read 921 times)

Offline DianaDeBelflorTopic starter

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My Story Re: It's probably early-onset MLC. He's the crazy one.
« Reply #10 on: May 10, 2018, 03:18:59 PM »
Totally understood. Mine was an army reservist for six years, inactive ready reserve for two. Activated during Desert Storm, but his unit worked it where he served stateside (at his unit in our city even). When he would travel yearly with them for their two week duty in San Diego, he would have an episode. Of course back then, I was a very young girl and had no idea what all of it meant long term. But in hindsight, I see he likely had shown some signs of something and in order to keep him enlisted, they pulled some strings to keep him out of longer term active duty. I guess in that regard you'll have the benefit of his unit also being with him day in/day out, and you will no longer be the only one who is seeing how he presents. They can keep a mask on some of the time, but not 24/7. I think that's also what happened with my neighbor and why he is no longer able to be a police officer (or work at all - he is on disability).
And that is what worries me too. He has never been gone for more than a month in a field situation. Sure, there was Basic, AIT, OCS, BLOCK, but those were not straight field problems and lives didn't depend on him.

He had two weeks in the field before Christmas of 2017. He was getting yelled at. He was freaking out that the people he works with are incompetent and will end up getting soldiers killed when they deploy. A Sgt. he liked died of a heart attack in his home within a day of his retirement. I was in another city taking finals. He came home for one evening so that he could go to the funeral and when we talked on the phone he broke down crying and told me that he can't do this job anymore.

What will he be like after 9 months?

I get that there will be people there watching him. I do. And that may well keep him alive. But if he goes off the rails, it will be very bad and very public. He won't be killing or raping anyone, but I can imagine him doing anything short of that. And if he mages to not do anything crazy, I dread to see what will be returning home. He knows it too. And he basically said that he's not planning to get help even then: "there's plenty of crazy captains running around - I saw them and no one pays any attention."

Online Insecurity_08

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Re: It's probably early-onset MLC. He's the crazy one.
« Reply #11 on: May 11, 2018, 02:13:48 AM »
Oh, I fully admit that you are right. And I did want to sleep with him. Sex definitely wasn't as good as I remember, but my chastity belt was beginning to pinch a little. Now I wonder if there is a way to use it to my advantage or if there is any reason to sleep with him again (I may have an opportunity next week).

And now I have to ask myself whether sleeping with him again will make him more pliable or whether it's just something I want because this man and I have had pretty good sex for the past 9 years.

I get this. On one hand I don't want to be sleeping with someone who is also sleeping with someone else (probably anyway, I'm not 100%, but I have severe suspicions). On the other hand I miss it so badly and it was good. As far as I know anyway since h was my first partner. It's only been 2 months since BD. And I cannot imagine it lasting for months and months without having anything physical. And since I don't want to date anyone else for now. That is what I choose to do.

But you know what you might regret somethings that happened the other night. But don't defend yourself for your choices (my therapist told me the same thing).

Online Treasur

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Re: It's probably early-onset MLC. He's the crazy one.
« Reply #12 on: May 11, 2018, 03:51:03 AM »
From what you say, Diana, your H is undoubtedly loopy (technical term  ;D ) and I would guess the strain of deployment will probably make that worse not better. The affair stuff hurts so it confuses our perspective as a spouse, I think. MLC does mimic/include a lot of other disorders and mental illness - any chance your H is less MLC and mentally ill? Any past history of severe depression, bipolar etc? If so, does that change your perspective at all?
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD)
No kids.
BD Oct 15. OW since Apr 16?
H filed Jan 17. Divorced April 18

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"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline DianaDeBelflorTopic starter

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Re: It's probably early-onset MLC. He's the crazy one.
« Reply #13 on: May 11, 2018, 05:30:18 AM »
So, I just have adventures after adventures!

My husband came home. I asked him politely about the assisted suicide thing (I lied that it showed up on my feed). He was surprised and said "absolutely not." I'll choose to believe it for now, but I will keep an eye on him.

He again looked upset that I looked like I was going on a date. He seems really preoccupied with that as of late. Told me that I should tell someone where I'm going so that if something happens to me people know where to check.  :o

Then he kept fussing about how I need to eat more. I told him that I was going out to dinner but he still tried to feed me tomatoes off his plate (like with his fork). I ate one and it made him seem happier.

Then I got a call from a credit company to confirm the applicant identity. Since the loan is in my husband's name, I had him confirm. He looked truly horrified when he heard the number. That was a very subdued man by the end of it.

Then we ended up taking again. He truly believes that I was not family oriented and too career oriented. He doesn't see me driving to see him every weekend, cooking him meals, setting up his house, making sure that everything he needs is bought/arranged/taken care of. He doesn't think I was doing any of those things for him.  :o

I got angry and yelled at him for being an idiot. And yes, I actually explained why he was being an idiot. He seemed subdued and looked a little guilty.

What I found most interesting about that interaction is how eager he is to tell me things. He claims that he cannot talk to me, but when he wants to talk about something that matters to him, it's me that he will be talking to. Without being prompted, he told me how much he hates social media and how bored he is in class that they have to do for work. He said that he made a new Facebook account today (lies, he made it a couple of days ago) and that he deleted it today because he just couldn't stand being on Facebook and seeing updates of everything that people eat for dinner or every time their kid farts (not sure if true, since he deleted it immediately after blocking me). Point is, even though he did not feel he could tell me the whole truth, he wanted to tell me something. It's like he needs to talk to me, like those weeks with no communication were lonely for him. So, in spite of non-stop texting and calling the OW is not meeting his social needs? How interesting!

We said "bye" on good terms and I took off for my MeetUp GAL thing. Half way to the restaurant, a car decided to merge into me at an intersection. I attempted to avoid and collided into a median barrier. The driver sped away instead of pulling over and exchanging insurance information. I called my husband and told him to come get me. I don't know why. I expected him to say "no." Instead, he asked where I was and said that he'd be on his way. Afterwards I called 911 and filed a police report. I got another call from my husband telling me that he'd be getting gas and then he'd be there. (A play-by-play? Really now?)

He arrived promptly and we ended up sitting in his car together and talking. The police cruiser was parked behind my car and we were waiting for the tow truck to come get me off the median.

We talked about what he's going to do when he comes back - he doesn't know yet and he doesn't think that there will be anyone waiting for him. He thinks that he'll just "figure things out." I told him that if he was willing to to to individual counseling and talk about his issues - all of them, I'd be willing to do the legwork to find him a place. He told me that he'd think about it, but that he didn't want to go to someone like our marriage therapist because he really didn't like the guy (probably because the man looked at me with the same expression that everyone else does: "that poor woman.")

Then the conversation went on to the OW.

1. She claims she is a nurse. She's 21 and prior service. She may be working in the medical field, but she is NOT a full nurse. I told him as much and he looked like he did the mental math for the first time on that subject.
2. She has a boyfriend and he and she were and are together. She came to see my husband while in a relationship with another man. I decided to treat this revaluation like I would if a friend told me this. Basically, I told him that he is a wh*r^ and morally bankrupt for doing what he's doing to that man. I asked him if he thinks that the other guy knows about him. It went something like "yes, you don't know him and you owe him nothing, but you should have enough respect for yourself and for other people to not do this to him and to walk away from this situation." He again looked like he never thought about this and said that she and he will need to have a talk.
3. I told him that he needs to stop trying to buy his friends--that he is good enough as is. If he wants to, we can go out or set him up an online dating profile, but what he's doing is nonsense.

We talked about our relationship some more. He told me that he often felt emasculated by me. I asked for examples and he gave me some. I mean, he's not wrong. But there's just one big problem:

Me: "Romeo, why didn't you say anything? All you had to do was tell me that I was being hurtful - I would have stopped and apologized on the spot."
Him: "I like to keep things to myself."
Me: "Then how in God's name are you supposed to have a relationship with anyone if you don't ask for what you need and bring up issues as they come up?"
Him: "I guess you can't..."

And then I sincerely apologized for everything that was my fault and gave him a hug and a soft kiss on the lips. To my surprise, he was kissing back.

I asked him if he wanted to apologize for anything and he said that he was sorry that he was such a difficult person to be married to and that he was very volatile.

Me: "Well, that's kind of the problem, isn't it? People don't change in their essence, not really. I am the volatile one - always have been and always will be. I get angry, I blow up, and then I apologize. I can't change who I am. All I can do is make an honest effort at making my outbursts less frequent and less volatile. I'd like to think that I have done that since we got married."
Him: "You think so?"
Me: "Yes, I do. You don't?"
Him: "No, I really think you have. You grew up a lot over the years."
Me: "Thank you... but this is the problem--I am the one with a quick temper, not you. You have always been incredibly calm and mellow. Your anger and your outbursts are recent. This is not part of your personality--it's part of whatever is hurting you. I can deal with someone who's volatile, so that is not the problem. The problem is that it's very hard to witness your outbursts when I know that they happen because you are hurting and I can't help."

He decided he wanted us to go to a coffee shop and spent some time looking up the coffee places near us. After my car finally got lifted off the curb, we assessed the damage (still drivable, but insurance company will have to take care of the undercarriage damage and the damage to the front bumper) and went to get a cup of coffee. We sat outside, shared two cookies (he ate most of both), and talked some more. I said that these past few days have been the best time I had with him in a long time. He agreed and told me that he felt the same way. I said "that's because we're actually talking."

All in all, we had a good evening. I promised I'd eat something when I came home and he sat with me to make sure I ate. He's sleeping in the other room now, so, I gave him a hug good night and asked if he has anyone who will be sending him care packages to Syria. He named off a couple of buddies (who are flakes, by the way), but did not mention the OW. I asked if he'd mind if I sent him packages. He said that he would like that and thanked me.

I checked the text and call logs before I went to bed and was surprised to see that even though he was on his phone, he hasn't texted her once when we were together. He did send her two texts last night after he went to bed, but they were not answered until this morning.

My friend finally received my texts about the car accident in the wee hours of the morning (I had some trouble getting signal at this intersection, so, I'm not surprised). He asked if I wanted him to call... and even though it was 4:30 a.m., I said "yes." I knew that hubbie was awake, so, I went and had that phone call on the landing. I made sure to say nothing that would make him angry, but based on my end of the conversation, he has to have figured out that I was talking to a guy who knows about my situation and who likes me enough to call at 4:30 in the morning.

After that call, he and OW were texting each other furiously. But when he left his bedroom, he did not take his phone with him, which is a big change from earlier. He seemed to want to talk to me--about literally anything. He even came into my bedroom under the pretext of touching one of the cats. When I came into his (we were moving and talking), he made sure to tell me that he's texting his male co-worker. I looked at him and told him that he doesn't have to tell me whom he's texting and he seemed embarrassed and a little hurt. Also, he's been calling me by my full name this morning, which he knows I hate... so, jealous?



So... all in all things are going far better than I could have expected.

Offline DianaDeBelflorTopic starter

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Re: It's probably early-onset MLC. He's the crazy one.
« Reply #14 on: May 11, 2018, 07:32:47 AM »
From what you say, Diana, your H is undoubtedly loopy (technical term  ;D ) and I would guess the strain of deployment will probably make that worse not better. The affair stuff hurts so it confuses our perspective as a spouse, I think. MLC does mimic/include a lot of other disorders and mental illness - any chance your H is less MLC and mentally ill? Any past history of severe depression, bipolar etc? If so, does that change your perspective at all?
He is extremely depressed. But he also has low testosterone. So, I'm really not sure about what is going on with him. But something isn't right about him - that much I do know.

What do you mean by "does it change your perspective"? In what way?


Oh, I fully admit that you are right. And I did want to sleep with him. Sex definitely wasn't as good as I remember, but my chastity belt was beginning to pinch a little. Now I wonder if there is a way to use it to my advantage or if there is any reason to sleep with him again (I may have an opportunity next week).

And now I have to ask myself whether sleeping with him again will make him more pliable or whether it's just something I want because this man and I have had pretty good sex for the past 9 years.

I get this. On one hand I don't want to be sleeping with someone who is also sleeping with someone else (probably anyway, I'm not 100%, but I have severe suspicions). On the other hand I miss it so badly and it was good. As far as I know anyway since h was my first partner. It's only been 2 months since BD. And I cannot imagine it lasting for months and months without having anything physical. And since I don't want to date anyone else for now. That is what I choose to do.

But you know what you might regret somethings that happened the other night. But don't defend yourself for your choices (my therapist told me the same thing).
I have the same difficulty. I never slept with anyone else.

But yes, I do suspect that he has no idea what he wants anymore. That is very good for me.

He's also very jealous. He has never been jealous of me before. But me not being home and getting a ton of texts/calls is starting to bother him. A lot.

Offline Thunder

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Re: It's probably early-onset MLC. He's the crazy one.
« Reply #15 on: May 11, 2018, 07:48:10 AM »
Diana,

Sometimes the jealous comes from their own conscience. He may be thinking you're doing the same thing he is.

The only thing I would caution you about is, don't try to make him jealous.  It can backfire on you.
It could end up giving him the go ahead because he'll think ...why not?  She's doing it too type thing.  Taking some of the guilt away from him.
Let him own his guilt.

I always made it clear to my H as long as I was his wife, there will be no one else involved.  Just to let him know, as long as he is my H, he should have the same respect for our marriage.
If he wanders off in that direction, then he can sit with the guilt.
With her permission, a quote from a recovered MLCer: 
From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did.

Online Insecurity_08

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Re: It's probably early-onset MLC. He's the crazy one.
« Reply #16 on: May 11, 2018, 07:54:22 AM »
I have the same difficulty. I never slept with anyone else.

But yes, I do suspect that he has no idea what he wants anymore. That is very good for me.

He's also very jealous. He has never been jealous of me before. But me not being home and getting a ton of texts/calls is starting to bother him. A lot.


Mine has never been jealous. Maybe this one time I saw a glimpse of jealousy on his face. We were at this festival a hot actor came up to me and iedereen a beer. He was gone and I told my best friend. Gosh he is taller then I expected and as hot as I thought he was. H overheard and his face turned afterwards he starting talking about what an arrogant guy he believed this man to be.

And maybe this other time when a friend who used to have feelings for me started talking to me on chat in the beginning of my R with h. “I see on FB you did started dating him ...” This guy was always flirty with me. So at the end of our conversation I said I’m going to go now my BF just arrived. And he said “don’t do anything naughty   ;).” H saw this comment pulled me close and initiated sex. Like he taught if I want her to do anything naughty, I will get her to. These were the only two times during our R. That I saw some kind of jealousy.

Also h he knows I sent a lot of texts with my best friend. So when he sees me texting now. He suspects it’s with her.

So I’m hoping in time I’ll might see some jealousy again. When we are a bit farther in this and he thinks it’s a man I’m texting with. Or it maybe even be really a man, but not someone I pursue to date.

I also find it funny that your h said that he wants to know where your at. If something should happen to you. Quite similar as what mine said regarding having the cops at our door no  ;)?

Offline Thunder

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Re: It's probably early-onset MLC. He's the crazy one.
« Reply #17 on: May 11, 2018, 08:15:19 AM »
I think if the jealousy comes naturally, good!

I just wouldn't do it deliberately.

I remember one time we took the dogs to a dog park.  Now usually everyone is very friendly and talk to each other.
Well this one guy kind of stuck himself to us as we walked around, nothing too unusual.  But after awhile my H walked off in another direction with one of the dogs, which again is not unusual.

When we finally got back with each other he said he just couldn't stand how that man was follows us around so much...well following YOU around.   :o
I was a bit taken back because he got jealous for no reason.  But I rather like it, it showed he wasn't quite as disconnected as I thought.
With her permission, a quote from a recovered MLCer: 
From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did.

Online Insecurity_08

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Re: It's probably early-onset MLC. He's the crazy one.
« Reply #18 on: May 11, 2018, 08:23:05 AM »
I think if the jealousy comes naturally, good!

I just wouldn't do it deliberately.

I remember one time we took the dogs to a dog park.  Now usually everyone is very friendly and talk to each other.
Well this one guy kind of stuck himself to us as we walked around, nothing too unusual.  But after awhile my H walked off in another direction with one of the dogs, which again is not unusual.

When we finally got back with each other he said he just couldn't stand how that man was follows us around so much...well following YOU around.   :o
I was a bit taken back because he got jealous for no reason.  But I rather like it, it showed he wasn't quite as disconnected as I thought.

That’s why I would like to see it too. To see this whole we are just friends bubble burst. But no I wouldn’t do it intentionally. And if he were ever to ask I would say the same as you do. As long as we are married I won’t date!

Offline Thunder

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Re: It's probably early-onset MLC. He's the crazy one.
« Reply #19 on: May 11, 2018, 08:35:48 AM »
Yep, I drove that home a few times.  He would make some silly remark about..oh, you must have been with your bf, huh? (kidding of course). 
I just said..Nope no bf, I'm married, I don't date other men.
With her permission, a quote from a recovered MLCer: 
From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did.

 

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