Author Topic: My Story It's probably early-onset MLC. He's the crazy one.  (Read 861 times)

Offline DianaDeBelflorTopic starter

  • Trial Subscriber
  • Full Member
  • *
  • Posts: 172
  • Gender: Female
My Story Re: It's probably early-onset MLC. He's the crazy one.
« Reply #20 on: May 11, 2018, 09:08:52 AM »
Actually, I was very upfront with him.

I told him that I never wanted divorce. I told him that our relationship is not unfixable. I told him that I will be fine whether we stay together or not. I told him that he thinks that he makes all the choices, but that is not the case: if he wants to come back, he has a window of opportunity, but it is closing and closing a lot faster than he might think.

He insisted on knowing what it is that I'm doing with the guy whom I keep seeing. I looked at him like he was insane and told him that I was married and that I am not dating anyone: "Romeo, you asked for a divorce a month ago. We are not legally separated. No paperwork has been filed. What sort of man would want to date me right now? I'm not in the habit of picking up trash."

And yet he keeps asking every day.

I also told him upfront that I did not think it would be healthy to start a relationship until a year after divorce is finalized. He replied that I was probably making a smart decision.

But he's still jealous. He's still making comments about texts. My phone was blowing up at breakfast and it was driving him nuts... and yet he insisted on sitting with me downstairs at the kitchen nook for over an hour.

To him, I'm still his. Actions have consequences. He's now living the consequences of his actions. The images he creates in his head are of his own making. I simply choose not to hide my texts or calls. I have nothing to be ashamed of.

Online Thunder

  • Moderator
  • Hero Member
  • *
  • Posts: 16901
  • Gender: Female
Re: It's probably early-onset MLC. He's the crazy one.
« Reply #21 on: May 11, 2018, 09:32:07 AM »
Well, then you have done nothing wrong.

You can't stop him from thinking what ever he wants.  You know, after awhile it gets old.

I finally, after my H kept bringing up a bf I started agreeing with him.  "Yep, I was with my bf again.  "You're right, you caught me, I was with my bf again."

Of course it was said sarcastically, and he knew it, but he finally stopped.

I did this with a few other things too.
Like how if he couldn't find something it was.."I can't find such and such, where did you put it?" or "What did you do with it?"  I DIDN'T EVEN LIVE THERE!
I defended myself enough times where I finally played along.  "I hid it on you so you couldn't find it."  "I'm not telling you, you're just going to have to find my hiding spot."
Stopped that too.

It's dumb game playing but sometimes when they say stupid things, just agree with them.  At least it stops any arguments.
With her permission, a quote from a recovered MLCer: 
From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did.

Offline DianaDeBelflorTopic starter

  • Trial Subscriber
  • Full Member
  • *
  • Posts: 172
  • Gender: Female
Re: It's probably early-onset MLC. He's the crazy one.
« Reply #22 on: May 11, 2018, 09:54:31 AM »
Well, then you have done nothing wrong.

You can't stop him from thinking what ever he wants.  You know, after awhile it gets old.

I finally, after my H kept bringing up a bf I started agreeing with him.  "Yep, I was with my bf again.  "You're right, you caught me, I was with my bf again."

Of course it was said sarcastically, and he knew it, but he finally stopped.

I did this with a few other things too.
Like how if he couldn't find something it was.."I can't find such and such, where did you put it?" or "What did you do with it?"  I DIDN'T EVEN LIVE THERE!
I defended myself enough times where I finally played along.  "I hid it on you so you couldn't find it."  "I'm not telling you, you're just going to have to find my hiding spot."
Stopped that too.

It's dumb game playing but sometimes when they say stupid things, just agree with them.  At least it stops any arguments.
Oh, these are not arguments. He wouldn't permit himself to do that. These are jabs and snide comments: "What do you and that guy do together anyway? Do you like go hiking or do you just sit around. Yeah, that's what I thought - you probably just sit around" or "Wow! Your phone is really blowing up! Must have been some dinner you've missed!"

This is very out of character for him. He was never jealous of me before. Also, he knows that he cannot make demands of me, and I think that both makes it worse for him and moderates his behavior. See, if he lets this escalate into a fight, he'll know that I know that he's jealous, and he can't have that happen, now can he?

At the same time, the more jealous he gets, the more he fusses over me. Today he asked that I pick up some cat litter. I said okay. Then I demanded that I make a shopping list. I took out a piece of paper and wrote down cat litter. Then I'm like "what else?" So, he insisted that I put protein powder on the list because he believes that I "need it." That's it. That's the whole list.

After I drank the shake he made me, he became upset that I wouldn't eat a protein cookie, so, he decided to count the exact amount of calories I had that morning and when he saw that it was 300 he decided that it'd be okay.

Yesterday he told me that we grew apart because I am too career-oriented. So, today at breakfast I asked if he would read a case in his spare time. (It's the most gruesome case I could think of with the most unfair judicial outcome I've ever read.) He said that my cases are boring and that he doesn't have the time. So, I sent it to him anyway and told him that he didn't need to read the dissent, although the dissent is arguably the best part, because it's the opinion that I really wanted him to read. What did he do? Read both the opinion and the dissent and then texted me that he agreed with dissent.

I'm home till 3 today, so, he told me that he will do his best to make it home for lunch (Um... did I ask him to? No.). I know he has no idea why I had him read the case. Good! I want him to finally see who the woman he married is and that kind of message comes across a lot easier when you don't expect it.

Online Thunder

  • Moderator
  • Hero Member
  • *
  • Posts: 16901
  • Gender: Female
Re: It's probably early-onset MLC. He's the crazy one.
« Reply #23 on: May 11, 2018, 07:15:57 PM »
Diana,

You could just say.."Actually we do both, sometimes we go hiking and sometimes we just sit around.  Depends on our mood"

"Yes my phone is blowing up.  Maybe I did miss a dinner, you're probably right."

The other thing you could say is "Please don't worry about me, I'm feeling very health right now, I like my weight, but thank for your concern.  I'm good"

Just suggestions.
With her permission, a quote from a recovered MLCer: 
From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did.

Offline DianaDeBelflorTopic starter

  • Trial Subscriber
  • Full Member
  • *
  • Posts: 172
  • Gender: Female
Re: It's probably early-onset MLC. He's the crazy one.
« Reply #24 on: May 11, 2018, 07:20:49 PM »
Diana,

You could just say.."Actually we do both, sometimes we go hiking and sometimes we just sit around.  Depends on our mood"

"Yes my phone is blowing up.  Maybe I did miss a dinner, you're probably right."

The other thing you could say is "Please don't worry about me, I'm feeling very health right now, I like my weight, but thank for your concern.  I'm good"

Just suggestions.
These are very good suggestions. Can you tell me why you made them? (I'm actually really curious what you are thinking.)

Online Thunder

  • Moderator
  • Hero Member
  • *
  • Posts: 16901
  • Gender: Female
Re: It's probably early-onset MLC. He's the crazy one.
« Reply #25 on: May 11, 2018, 09:10:48 PM »
Diana,

I honestly think for the most part they have "pity parties" for themselves.  It's a victim thing.

When you stop playing these games with them they realize you are no longer playing into them.


With her permission, a quote from a recovered MLCer: 
From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did.

Offline DianaDeBelflorTopic starter

  • Trial Subscriber
  • Full Member
  • *
  • Posts: 172
  • Gender: Female
Re: It's probably early-onset MLC. He's the crazy one.
« Reply #26 on: May 13, 2018, 10:09:52 AM »
Diana,

I honestly think for the most part they have "pity parties" for themselves.  It's a victim thing.

When you stop playing these games with them they realize you are no longer playing into them.
Well, I followed your advice, and OMG did sh!t ever happen!!!

But let me backtrack. I continued doing what I was doing: switching between pulling away and making him jealous vs. showing him affection and concern. I started changing between the two at the drop of the needle. By the time he leaves, he won't know which way is up.

Since Friday was my pull away day, a guy friend and I were texting each other non-stop. Of course, he reciprocated by texting his OW. Upsetting? Yes, but I planned on it, so, it's that whole "actions and consequences" thing again. So, I had my friend give me a call and strategically placed my phone on the coffee table where he sat. When the call came through, he saw the display and read the name out loud with a question in his voice. I ignored him and picked up.

I let him hear as much of that conversation as I wanted him to hear: (1) that I'm grateful to my friend for calling early in the morning, (2) that my life is beginning to resemble a Latin American soap opera - a husband with a mistress and the mistress has a boyfriend, (3) that he spends all his mistress-free time checking under every cushion for my imaginary boyfriend, and (4) that I'm really excited about my friend running a marathon.

Then I went out to walk the trail behind our house. The phone call lasted an hour and I was still on the phone discussing the latest superhero movies (something my husband and I used to do) when I came home. I opened the front door sat down and started picking rocks out of the soles of my running shoes, still talking to my friend. Romeo got SUUUUPER pissy. He started yelling that I need to close the door before the cats get out and things like that. I told him to go away, finished my call, and went inside.

We had dinner that he made us - meatloaf. I kept texting. So was he. But we were talking some. He's upset that I told my friends about the divorce since I was the one who asked him not to tell anyone. I said that I told a few close friends and that I didn't see a big deal of it. Then he suggested I go buy bread so that we can make meatloaf sandwiches for lunches. I said that I didn't feel like going since I'm not really eating carbs. So, in a couple of minutes he offered to go together and suggested that we buy beer too. We went and I made him drive while I texted. (This is something that he used to do before I found out about the OW).

Since I have now successfully friendzoned my husband (that's right, I beat him to the punch), he tells me everything:

1. So, she claims that she doesn't have sex with the other boyfriend.
2. She claims that moving jobs to where he's at wouldn't be hard.
3. She's still on the fence. He told her about the debt (but I suspect not everything) but she doesn't care (yes, but she didn't spend any money when she was here either, wait till she learns how much he'll have left in divorce).
4. He told her that she has until July to make up her mind.
5. She promised to email him, write him letters, and send packages when he's overseas (I wouldn't hold my breath, if I was him).
6. He claims he doesn't love her but if they start living together maybe he will.
7. He claims she knows about his anger issues (I doubt it - certainly not about their extent)
8. While she was here, if they weren't out eating, they were getting wasted (so, even if she knows about his anger issues, she's apparently okay with him drinking those away)

At home, he ended up drinking about half a 12-pack of beer. I took a few sips from him... and then I followed Thunder's advice. First, I went into the kitchen to work on my paper. He was a little off about me not staying back to watch Dr. Who with him since he offered to wait. Then, when he again made a comment about my weight, I used the language that Thunder suggested. Then I went to take a shower and didn't think much of the conversation.

Well, on the way downstairs, I asked if he thought it was hot inside because I was thinking about turning on the AC. So, naturally, he began with a snide and condescending tirade about how I'm always cold... and I just went off on him. Maybe I shouldn't have, but I got so tired of his hypocrisy and that is exactly what I told him:

1. I am tired of him making condescending comments about my weight
2. I am tired of him making snide comments about how I'm always going out to see some guy
3. I am tired of him making snide comments about everything, actually, while claiming that he is offended by the way that I talk to him
4. I am tired of getting to a point where I think "hey, maybe this is a nice human being that I can talk to" only to have him go back to acting like a turd because he suddenly realized that he's been amiable for too long

This argument went on for a couple of hours: we'd butt heads then go to our separate corners. He claimed that this is why he can't talk to me and that he hasn't been able to for the last 3 years. That is not true. In his mind, the last 1.5 years is 3 years and the happy years of our marriage are condensed (for example, he remembers the first 3 years as 1 year). Yeah, no mental health problems to see here. Move right along!

We went back to our separate corners one last time. After a while, I decided to call him and see what happens, so, I yelled "Hey, Romeo, the paper I'm writing is due tonight and I am passing out! Please, come sit with me." And... he came! No sighs. No objections. He came, sat down across the table, and began entertaining me with YouTube videos and small talk. He was still texting her, sure, but he was having a good time with me too. Then we started talking about military. I think he's beginning to realize that I have a lot more first-hand understanding now than before and that I am now someone he can talk to about these things. He enjoyed my ROTC stories. We b!tched about the same issues. Then he offered to bring me a Halal MRE to try (they're super-expensive but apparently the best you can get as far as MREs go).

I finished and read him my 20-page paper. He thought it was boring, but listened. The topic was Global Climate Change and U.S. National Security. But I also think that he was a tad intimidated because even though national security is something that he has learned, what I was reading to him was going over his head. I think our disparity in education makes him more insecure than he'd like to admit. But he told me "good job" and I submitted the paper.

Somehow, and I have no idea how, we ended up in the kitchen hugging. He told me it was a good hug and kissed me on the lips. I asked him what he was doing and he did not understand the question, so I clarified that he never kisses me on the lips. He looked sad and kissed me on the forehead. I pulled his head down and kissed him gently on the lips... and he started making out with me. We were just standing in the kitchen and kissing for a long time. Then he wanted sex again. I turned down the kitchen sex and told him that if he wanted to do it, he could come upstairs and left. And you know what? He did!

So, here is the weird part about what happened. When we were having sex, he was kissing me more than he did during sex in the past year or so. He was again obsessed with leaving marks on my neck--aggressively so. He told me that no one else can have me and then backtracked and said that he doesn't care what I do. He tried calling me his "s!ut" and "wh*re" again. It's something that he started doing since November of 2016. However, this time around I just laughed at him and told him that I wasn't his anything. He kept trying and kept getting the same response (one time he even tried telling me that I will always be his s!ut--again, I laughed at him). This lasted good 30 to 45 minutes and then ended because he couldn't ejaculate. That's right! Unless he hasn't had sex in a long time (like the first time we did it), he cannot ejaculate unless he can call me his s!ut or his wh*re.

Look, I know this may be TMI, guys, but this is bloody weird, no? I really want your opinion on this.

After we finished, he was super angry and super aggressive with me. Told me this is probably the last time he and I will have sex. I said "Look, I enjoy having sex with you, but your behavior afterwards is frankly inappropriate. Whatever guilt, anger, and remorse you have to work through, do it. Because while I like having sex with you, I have no wish to deal with the way you act afterwards." This went on for a while and ended with me tucking him into his bed, giving him a peck on the forehead, and repeating the same message in a kinder tone. He looked at me like a little kid when I did that. Later that night, he was snoring so badly that I came into his room to fix his pillow. He again seemed happy that I was checking in on him, like a little boy.

I checked the phone logs the following morning - he neither called nor texted her after we had sex. He only resumed texting in the morning after he woke up.

Since he was up, I asked him to help me take my overnight bag and briefcase downstairs. He thinks that I am going to stay with friends or a boyfriend--I never told him anything, but this is what he assumes. Still, he did with zero complaints. (Before he would have b!tched to no end.) He told me to have a good time and that if something happens I can always call him. (Looks like he WAS listening in on my 4:30 a.m. conversation on Friday morning! I'm thinking of making those a once-every-couple-of-days thing.)

And have a great time I did! I went to graduation ceremony, 3 graduation parties, and a friend's birthday party. Didn't get back to my in-law's house till 12:30 in the morning.

My husband? He texted her all day yesterday, so, if his coworker came over then he was being a very poor host. There were no calls between them. I noticed that there's almost never any calls on weekends. (This man is a fool if he thinks that she's not sleeping with that guy.) He woke up at 2 a.m. sent her 3 text messages, drove to work, and then drove home. I thought it may have been a work emergency, but he got no texts or calls from anyone. I think he has trouble sleeping. He's been waking up at odd hours of the night all week.

It's now almost 11 a.m. where he's at and at least noon where she's at, and the best I can tell, she still has not gotten back to him.

Me? I gave my mother-in-law a card and a giftcard for mother's day. She seemed a little sad that I signed it for her son. I always do, but I think she's starting to catch on that I am the only reason that she ever gets a card and a gift for any holiday. She and I are going to the movies later. Then I will have dinner with her and my father-in-law. Then I'll go chat with a good girlfriend about everything that's been going on. We'll be eating ice cream and gossiping.

And you know what? I'm starting to truly pity him. I'm living life. It's not the life I wanted, but I'm living it. He is adrift.

Offline DianaDeBelflorTopic starter

  • Trial Subscriber
  • Full Member
  • *
  • Posts: 172
  • Gender: Female
Re: It's probably early-onset MLC. He's the crazy one.
« Reply #27 on: May 13, 2018, 10:18:55 AM »
Well, one small correction! Logs were slow to update - they've been texting since 9 a.m. But everything else I said doesn't change - I am starting to pity him. She seems to be all he has. And he barely has her.

Offline DianaDeBelflorTopic starter

  • Trial Subscriber
  • Full Member
  • *
  • Posts: 172
  • Gender: Female
Re: It's probably early-onset MLC. He's the crazy one.
« Reply #28 on: May 13, 2018, 10:08:48 PM »
Aaaaand Crazy is looking at engagement rings again! Now I know why it's called an MLC Roller Coaster Ride.

Offline DianaDeBelflorTopic starter

  • Trial Subscriber
  • Full Member
  • *
  • Posts: 172
  • Gender: Female
Re: It's probably early-onset MLC. He's the crazy one.
« Reply #29 on: May 14, 2018, 08:35:02 PM »
Update:

So I'm home again. He's nice, he's cordial, he's quite sweet, and physically affectionate--and he seems to truly enjoy it.

However, he continues to maintain that he has no girlfriend. When he texts her, he tells me (without me asking) that he's talking to someone else.

I need help. Is he cake eating or is there more to it?

I am honestly beginning to worry that this man is trying to pull something behind my back. I don't know what it is. If I was a betting woman, I'd say that his goal right now is to keep me funneling all the money toward the credit card debt. That's all he seems to talk about and he doesn't want me to get a place of my own. He'd rather I live with my in-laws. He expects the debt to be paid down to nothing so that he can move in with her as soon as he comes back.

Granted, I've anticipated this, and there are A LOT of things that he doesn't know yet (going to the lawyer was the best thing I've ever done!).

However, I'd like an opinion. Am I paranoid? Is this a man who simply doesn't know what he wants or is this a man who is trying to pull one over on me?

 

SMF spam blocked by CleanTalk
Legal Disclaimer
The information contained within The Hero's Spouse website family (www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com, http://theherosspouse.com and associated subdomains), (collectively 'website') is provided as general information and is not intended to be a substitute for professional legal, medical or mental health advice or treatment for specific medical conditions. The Hero's Spouse cannot be held responsible for the use of the information provided. The Hero's Spouse recommends that you consult a trained medical or mental health professional before making any decision regarding treatment of yourself or others. The Hero's Spouse recommends that you consult a legal professional for specific legal advice.

Any information, stories, examples, articles, or testimonials on this website do not constitute a guarantee, or prediction regarding the outcome of an individual situation. Reading and/or posting at this website does not constitute a professional relationship between you and the website author, volunteer moderators or mentors or other community members. The moderators and mentors are peer-volunteers, and not functioning in a professional capacity and are therefore offering support and advice based solely upon their own experience and not upon legal, medical, or mental health training.