Author Topic: My Story COOL HAND LUKE REDUX 3  (Read 894 times)

Offline WatcherTopic starter

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My Story COOL HAND LUKE REDUX 3
« on: May 12, 2018, 08:15:20 AM »
RECAP

BD JULY 2015
WIFE left August 2015 with kids, parents, dog for her new life.
WIFE returned Sept 2015 after her new life failed.
WATCHER was thrown out of the house with PD help in Oct 2015.
WIFE claimed WATCHER 4 days later for a booty call.

WIFE invited me home for Christmas 2015 but this isn't going to work out Watcher by NYE.
WATCHER is invited back home Feb 2016. (can you say that was a mistake  ::))
WATCHER departs home August 2016 after months of relentless Monster.

WATCHER, not having his fill yet, returned home Sept 2016.
WATCHER left Oct 2016 after physical abuse.
WATCHER, the man doesn't listen, is invited home Feb 2017 as WIFE proclaims she has had a spiritual awakening. (Maybe true)

WATCHER departs, yet again, April 2017.

Wait For It, LOL

WATCHER returns home, AGAIN, Sept 2017.
WIFE hits WATCHER with 2nd BD in March 2018 just to put this man out of his misery.  ::)
WATCHER will be banned from Hero Spouse if he even dare contemplates returning home.

Month 35 Post BD.

We have spent 90 percent of her crisis in NC. We talk maybe 6-8 times a year. Currently I am 9 weeks  NC and I'm going to try and ride it out for the rest of the year without contact. She is so far gone in the head with her fantasy alienator and there is just no point in having any contact.

Last night I had my double session at the gym and I did my mirror work when I returned home. Almost 3.5 months now at the gym and my abs are forming. I couldn't stop looking at the mirror. I'm so excited to see what they will look like in another 3.5 months. I didn't join the gym for the abs but they are a pleasant surprise. We can blame Noexpectations as she is the one who turned me on into Kickboxing.  ::)

There's like a thin layer of skin that still has to go away and it's like the abs are growing from underneath that skin. IDK how to explain it. I never had abs before, hahaha. I did a lot of feeling around, lol. It's very interesting.  ;D

Tomorrow I will run in my 2nd 5K. That's pretty much my life at the moment. Gym 6 days a week and a once a month 5K. I also have 2 boy's and a dog to keep me busy. They don't live with me but I have to make sure that they are still functioning everyday. I see my kids 5-6 days a week and I avoid my W at the same time.

There will be drama here soon enough. There is always going to be drama. Thanks for continuing to follow along and for offering all the wonderful advice and support. It is greatly appreciated.

Enjoy your day everyone

Thanks

Previous thread:  http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=10058.0



« Last Edit: May 12, 2018, 08:41:37 AM by Thunder »

Offline Thunder

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Re: COOL HAND LUKE REDUX 3
« Reply #1 on: May 12, 2018, 08:45:16 AM »
Welcome to your new thread, Watcher.

I can't believe you're one month away from 3 years.  Time flies when you're having fun, huh?   ???

Well attaching as usual, and good luck with your race tomorrow.   :)
With her permission, a quote from a recovered MLCer: 
From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did.

Offline WatcherTopic starter

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Re: COOL HAND LUKE REDUX 3
« Reply #2 on: May 12, 2018, 10:28:38 AM »
Hi Thunder,

I cannot believe that I am coming up on this 3 year mark. I know we are not supposed to focus on time. However, we have been together 29 years and married 20 in September. It does not feel like a blip or a speed bump. It feels like a major life altering event that shows no sign of ending.

It's SIGNIFICANT. It took me awhile but is has been all about me since April 2017 when I was in Virginia. You have 2 people that are turned off. What makes them turn back on. Even more importantly, how do they turn on again for each other. IDK.

IDK if I have feelings for her any longer. How would I know ? I don't believe history with a person alone is enough to keep something alive, especially after so much time has elapsed. Then add in the fact that there has been serious abuse over those 3 years.

I don't have the answer. I've never been through such an ordeal.

We were blindsided at BD. I would think it would take another blindside to get the LBS back. I know that I'm just so turned off. There's no easy on switch. Again it remains to be seen.

BD#1 you try to win them back. BD#2 is all F You and I'm done giving you the time of day MLCer.  ;) LOL

I always see that comment about them showing consistent  actions. It would take years of consistent actions IMO, LOL.

This standing stuff is really serious business, hahahaha. OMG I did not know what I was doing when I found this forum, lol.

The next 7.5 months are mine to enjoy in NC. Hello 2019. The armband represented 2017. Kickboxing is 2018. Maybe at some point a decision will just smack the both of us in our faces.

Yes I am looking forward to the race tomorrow.

Thank you

Offline WatcherTopic starter

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Re: COOL HAND LUKE REDUX 3
« Reply #3 on: May 12, 2018, 05:15:51 PM »
Rain is in the forecast for tomorrow however the run is rain or shine so I still plan on running.

Today S17 turns S18. I worked and drove by the house afterwards but she was home. :-\ So I will wait until Monday. That is the one aspect that we cannot find common ground on being the boy's. It's not worth the potential anger flare up.

She is unable to put her anger aside for the sake of our kids. I didn't show up so now there will be more anger. I can't win here but that's fine with me. It's her problem.

I did have fun picking out a bday card. I took my time and found the right one. This one almost made me tear up. That's how I knew it was the right one. I laugh at myself alot. I cannot believe how sensitive I can be at times.

If you noticed I've been inundated with calls about bills and moldy furniture this past week. It was crickets for the prom and bday.

I have missed S18 bday now 3 years in a row. In contrast I've attended S15 bday (March) 3 years in a row without incident.

Today is just a rest day. No gym today nor tomorrow.

Offline Thunder

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Re: COOL HAND LUKE REDUX 3
« Reply #4 on: May 12, 2018, 05:27:50 PM »
Watcher, I sense you still have some little expectations that your wife will somehow, someday pull out of this and get back to normal.  Or go back to being herself and you can get your married life back to what it was.

I hate to say this but I don't honestly see that and neither does your IC.  I think your W is just gone, Watcher.  Gone  Puff!
The woman you married is not coming back, because she no longer exists. No matter how long you go NC.  No matter how long you wait.
You can go NC for 5/10 years, it will not matter.  She is sadly mentally ill.

I would rather see you move forward with your life, leaving that shadow of who she once was in your past, where she belongs.
You still have many years left to built a new, happy life for yourself, Watcher.
Seize that, my friend.   :)


With her permission, a quote from a recovered MLCer: 
From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did.

Offline Thunder

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Re: COOL HAND LUKE REDUX 3
« Reply #5 on: May 12, 2018, 05:40:28 PM »
You were writing when I was.   :)

Watcher, its very sad you can't contact your S on his 18th birthday.
This needs to change!

Her control needs to be challenged.  You are his father.
With her permission, a quote from a recovered MLCer: 
From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did.

Offline WatcherTopic starter

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Re: COOL HAND LUKE REDUX 3
« Reply #6 on: May 12, 2018, 08:56:46 PM »
Hi Thunder,

NC at this point is just me waving the white flag of surrender. There is no point in me continuing this stand. I have weighed the issues long enough. I do not live at home and I am already not the custodial parent.

I am paying for an extremely expensive school and I have very limited time with my kids. I have 3 adults that are holding me hostage and hiding behind these 2 boy's. That is a fact.

Yes my mom was equally upset about the bday today as was I. The 2 women control everything. If S18 does not feel like going to school then he is allowed to stay home. I have battled with him enough this quarter over his grades and he is just outright lying to me.

Thunder from what I have seen there is no way W is coming out of this way of life. She really has troubling and disturbing beliefs. Its not a simple OM obsession. It's very cult like the stuff she is involved in.

Throw in her troubling, disturbing, and enabling parents who are NEVER getting out of the way.

So I will be filing for divorce because it's time to eliminate these 3 parasites from my life in some fashion. Yes, she is always going to make my life difficult when it comes to these 2 boy's for years to come. I cannot worry about that.

I cannot worry about what she decides to do with the support check. I have to free myself and see what happens.

It's part of the reason why I took a stand on the utilities. I wanted to force the issue. She is NEVER paying for the utilities and she is NEVER mowing that lawn. Its not happening.

She has beyond checked out. She has walked away from her family. School will not be renewed for September. There is a lot of turmoil ahead in the next few months.

I have realized awhile now that things had to change. You know she said everything that she had to 9 weeks ago. It was really the final nail.  So I'm done because I realized that I just want to be a father and no longer her husband.

I'm tired of these 3 entitled and ungrateful adults sponging off of me. All that being said, the only person who will put up a fight is MIL. My W is DONE and she has repeatedly driven home that message.

Now I have to get some sleep. Late coffee kept me up.

Have a good night.

And BTW everyone, this situation is a whole lot worse then I ever have let on. I really have presented the PG-13 version.

Thanks again

Offline Wonder no more

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Re: COOL HAND LUKE REDUX 3
« Reply #7 on: May 13, 2018, 03:48:45 AM »
Watcher,  Just lending my support.  Only you know when enough is enough. Good luck today in your race.

Offline Kitty

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Re: COOL HAND LUKE REDUX 3
« Reply #8 on: May 13, 2018, 07:18:19 AM »
Following along Watcher. Good luck today.
Me 37; H 41
Together 20 years; married 11.5
No kids, no pets
BD #1 Late October 2017 - H says he feels like he is living with a room mate at times (ILYBINILWY) and has considered separation.
BD #2 12/22/17 - Day after legal separation signed, I find out about OW after H said there wasn't one.

"Let the past die. Kill it, if you have to. It's the only way for you to become what you are meant to be." Kylo Ren - Star Wars: The Last Jedi

Offline WatcherTopic starter

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Re: COOL HAND LUKE REDUX 3
« Reply #9 on: May 13, 2018, 10:15:11 AM »
Hi WonderNoMore, Kitty.

Well that was a new experience. My 1st 5k had only 132 participants and we ran on city streets. This was a combined 5k and 10k all at once. A few thousand people and it took me forever to break free. Almost 2 miles. The running path was confined. A lot of running on the grass to get around people.

My 1st mile was almost 12 minutes which is horrible. Miles 2 @3 averaged 8 minutes each. So I finished at 29:52

141 overall for the 5k which was advertised as 1701 participants. It was gray out but the rain held up for the race.

So next time I have to get closer to the starting line. I thought I was pretty close but I walked for quite a bit before I had an opportunity to run. So I was slower with this race but its a learning experience. 132 people the 1st time (which was purely a 5k) versus probably 2,500 today makes a big difference with how it has to be approached.

So that's 2 down and my 3rd race will be June 3rd. I also wore a sweatshirt because it was cold and damp and I won't do that again. The body heats up very quickly once it starts.

Happy Mother's Day to all you Mom's on the forum.

Enjoy your day everyone

Thanks

Offline Thunder

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Re: COOL HAND LUKE REDUX 3
« Reply #10 on: May 13, 2018, 02:48:31 PM »
Watcher, after that start that was good time!  8 minutes miles is wonderful.

Yes, maybe next time get more towards the middle or the front.  It's hard when there are that many people.

Congrats!!!!   8)
With her permission, a quote from a recovered MLCer: 
From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did.

Offline WatcherTopic starter

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Re: COOL HAND LUKE REDUX 3
« Reply #11 on: May 13, 2018, 03:13:47 PM »
Thanks Thunder.

I learned my chip time was 27:30. That's start to finish crossing over the electronic mats. The official time is registered with the start of the gun. So it took me almost 2.5 minutes to reach the starting point.

Interesting tidbit.

1st race was 28:59
2nd race was 27:30 (it took 2:22 to reach the starting line)

So I would say race wise my time has improved. Like I said there was a wall of people today, especially walkers. The 1st race I was able to run immediately from the start.

Today's event was to raise money to keep our oceans wild and pollution free.  8)

This group focuses on shore communities in NJ so I was impressed and will stick with them for more. They will be sending me my finish line video at some point later tonight which is pretty cool and I received a very nice commemorative event glass.

I'm learning.  ;)
« Last Edit: May 13, 2018, 03:40:52 PM by Watcher »

Offline Thunder

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Re: COOL HAND LUKE REDUX 3
« Reply #12 on: May 14, 2018, 02:39:33 PM »
Yes that's what I like, these races are usually for a good cause.

I forgot, if your race was chipped timed it wouldn't start counting until you reach the starting mat, in which case you can be anywhere in the group of people.

So your time is great for a beginner.  Better than most.
My X has his next race on Saturday.  Wait til you get to the 10k's and half marathons, you get some really nice medals.   ;D
I wish you were closer I'd come and cheer you on.

So did you get to see your S today to give him his birthday card?  I sure hope so.   :)
With her permission, a quote from a recovered MLCer: 
From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did.

Offline WatcherTopic starter

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Re: COOL HAND LUKE REDUX 3
« Reply #13 on: May 14, 2018, 06:22:53 PM »
Hi Thunder,

Yes that was my 1st experience with a chip. I have 2 more 5K lined up in June. I'm just going to keep at it over the summer and work on my time. I plan on 2 in July and 2 in August at the 5K level.

I'm going to practice for the 10K. I'm just going to start at 4 miles and gradually push it from there over the summer. 5 miles then 6 miles and see how I do in practice.

Just working on my timing. Right now my timing is probably good for only 3.5 miles so I will build on it gradually.

Funny the lines for the bathrooms were soooooo long at the beginning that I did not have time to hear the instructions about the chip.

S18 was in bed after school so I let him sleep. School can wear him down at times. S15 and I left to work on his volunteer project at a food pantry. So he completed his 100 hours of service and he was happy. I helped him with 2 projects in the Fall and today.

Other than that he did everything else on his own. I returned with him and then saw S18. His mom was home and we did see each other but didn't say a word. I didn't look her way and just walked past her. Stayed with S18 a bit and left.

Not ideal but I guess there will be incidental contact as such being that we have kids. I felt nothing so it was not a big deal for me.

I have no clue what he did for his bday as I didn't stay long. I will see him again tomorrow after school but I did give him his gifts today.

I had time for a double session at the gym. Today was legs day and we really worked them good. We worked on the abs a bit. I did have 2 days off from the gym so it takes a little bit of effort to get moving. LOL, I ran a 5K on my offday.  ::)

S15 was escstatic that I came through for him and he thanked me. At the end of the day that is all that matters to me.  ;D

Have a good night

Thanks Thunder

Offline Thunder

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Re: COOL HAND LUKE REDUX 3
« Reply #14 on: May 15, 2018, 08:06:50 AM »
Well then that WAS good timing!   ;)

I'm glad your son appreciated your helping him.  He won't forget these times, Watcher.

Also good to hear you saw your MLCer, had NC and it didn't effect you at all.    It's all good.

Grass mowed yet?   ::)  I predicted 15 inches.

Have a good afternoon, Watcher!   8)
With her permission, a quote from a recovered MLCer: 
From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did.

Offline UrsaMajor

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Re: COOL HAND LUKE REDUX 3
« Reply #15 on: May 15, 2018, 08:15:14 AM »
Kids know when you are there for them and who is not... They may not always show it but they do know and they file it away for future reference...
Me - 54
MLC - 47
Together 20 years - Married for 17 at separation
S - 11
D - 7
2 Canines (each of us has one)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold and separated - March 2016
Mid-Lifer is initiating D

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A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Offline WatcherTopic starter

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Re: COOL HAND LUKE REDUX 3
« Reply #16 on: May 15, 2018, 08:32:05 AM »
IC Today  :-\

I think I need to bring an interpreter with me to decipher these sessions. So I went in with one train of thought and she spent her time working on me.

IC says she told me to sever the relationship with my W. She says divorce does not necessarily improve my boy's plight. She is not advocating divorce because of the impact on the boy's.

I have full control of being a parent now and I must find a way to make it work for the boys and I. Just the father son relationship.

The boy's need a stable parent in their life. The boys need to maintain their school and they need to be directed towards college.

I told IC that I have talked to the both of them numerous times and I have asked them what they would like. They want their home and that school.

The IC says its my sacrifice for them. It falls on my shoulders because she has emotionally walked away from everyone blah, blah, blah.

IC says it would have been different had she not walked away from them. They don't have a mother and they have dysfunctional grandparents.

Its a crucial time in their development blah, blah, blah. I've heard this before from her.

I shared a few things with her about W and it just added further proof how she really does not care about our son's.

W is never leaving because she needs my financial support and she enjoys her fantasy life.

Married, separated, divorced nothing will change the situation. This is the best opportunity that will help my son's. I will add blah, blah, blah.

So I don't know. I would say IC annoyed me today. Yes she did. OK its May 15th. I will focus on today and digest this session for quite sometime.

Today will most defintely be a double gym session.  8) I feel like I'm in prison. That's what it feels like.  :-\ The parole board just rejected me.

OK the abs will pay the price today.  8)

Enjoy your day everyone

I just saw you Thunder, UrsaMajor. Yes there are grass drifts similar to snow drifts. It is 15 inches in some areas already.

Thanks


« Last Edit: May 15, 2018, 08:38:13 AM by Watcher »

Offline Thunder

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Re: COOL HAND LUKE REDUX 3
« Reply #17 on: May 15, 2018, 09:09:54 AM »
Oh man Watcher, I'm not sure I agree either.  That's a first.  :(

I mean I understand her way of thinking that you are the only stable parent, but how does she think it wouldn't matter if you d her or not?
Of course nothing would change, as far as your boys, but what about YOUR life?  I kind of agree it would be like a prison.

Does she think you should just live your life by yourself?  Not find happiness for yourself?  Just date and have relationships with women but stay married?  That wouldn't be fair to you or any other women.
There's where I have the problem.  I couldn't see you doing that.  You're not that kind of man.

It really puts you in quite the situation.  She tells you to act single, but you can't really unless you are divorced, because you're not legally single.   ???

The other thing is, you are already sacrificing, a LOT.

Ok, I guess what I'm trying to say is:
How would you divorcing her change anything with your boys?  What negative impact would that have on the boys that they don't already have?  I don't see it changing anything with them, just for you.  Makes you still stuck.

Am I wrong?  Maybe BB or UM or Wonder or...someone else can weigh in with their thoughts.

So, so far I'm the winner at 15 inches?   :)
With her permission, a quote from a recovered MLCer: 
From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did.

Offline Ready2Transform

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Re: COOL HAND LUKE REDUX 3
« Reply #18 on: May 15, 2018, 09:47:40 AM »
If it doesn't feel right to you, it's not right for you. Each counselor has their own approach, and I can see the perspective that it's important to create stability for their futures, but tying your parenting to your marriage is in my opinion not applicable. My father was in a similar situation with my mother (she left when I was 20, FINALLY). He was far more effective as a parent and overall human being once that plug was pulled!

Assess if you really need this input. I mean, they're experts, but they don't always get it right every time for every person. In a weird way, her purpose may be served in you learning how to establish with another woman (this counselor) that you aren't right for each other and you'll be fine without her once you walk away. When you know you can do that and feel confident, your wife and her dysfunctional family may be next in line. Just saying.
« Last Edit: May 15, 2018, 09:49:01 AM by Ready2Transform »
"Unconditional love is the highest of high standards, and while we are letting go of our need to control the process of anyone else, we are taking within our lives complete accountability for our own experience."

http://seriousvanity.com/how-to-cultivate-unconditional-love-and-change-the-world/

Online Treasur

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Re: COOL HAND LUKE REDUX 3
« Reply #19 on: May 15, 2018, 10:34:39 AM »
I find myself agreeing too, Watcher. IC's can play a useful role in challenging your thinking but in the end it is your life and your choices. Your sons are no longer very small children and it may be time to put what Watcher needs, closely followed by what Watcher believes a good dad would do, at the top of your list...you deserve to have a life which is more than just surviving and working round crazy folks IMHO.
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD)
No kids.
BD Oct 15. OW since Apr 16?
H filed Jan 17. Divorced April 18

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Offline karmirtsaghik

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Re: COOL HAND LUKE REDUX 3
« Reply #20 on: May 15, 2018, 11:05:55 AM »
Watcher,

I am bit novice in the IC department, as I have not have ICs myself, but I think that what she is saying is not right for you. You already have done a lot of your boys and they know that too. They are old enough to understand and assess what is going on between you and W. They are also old enough to understand that your W's behavior is not normal in any shape or form.

You as an only stable parent also should model what mature/respectful/loving adult relationships are. Their only compass is their dysfunctional family situation. It is unhealthy for them to be around it for a long time. You need legal protection to be able to celebrate Birthdays, go to trips, take them to dinners, without your W's interference. They need that. It is healthy for child/ren to see that the other parent is also involved. It is more important than the expensive private schools, tutoring, or gadgets in my opinion. From what I can tell, your boys are brought up by their mother/grandmohter in such a way that they cannot take responsibility and cut the grass, deal with flooded basement, repair minor things at home. You can teach them these simple skills, that everybody regardless of gender should know. But you need unsupervised/uncontrolled time with them. You cannot sneak around your house (which you pay for ), trying to avoid seeing your W, in order to see your kids. The need to know that Father in not an equivalent of ATM.

At the end of the day I would assess negatives vs. positives in each scenarios and make decision accordingly. Your heart should also be in agreement with whatever decision you arrive at.

Take care Watcher.


Offline UrsaMajor

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Re: COOL HAND LUKE REDUX 3
« Reply #21 on: May 15, 2018, 11:46:26 AM »
Since I'm replying from my phone, there will probably by Autocorrect errors and typos galore but....

DUDE! WTF? I'm not getting what the IC is selling....

She's been advocating that you D your Mid-Lifer and now she says that you shouldn't but you should be the stable parent? Or did I misunderstand that?

To be honest, it sounds like she's parroting MIL/BSCW (Bat-snot Crazy) all of the sudden.....

I just don't get it.

OK, you are the stable parent. Great. Fine. Everybody with 3 functional brain cells can see that....

Was this maybe a "reverse psychology" attempt, maybe because you said you were planning to file so the IC got on the "No, you need to stay trapped in the insanity" train in order to get you to REALLY rebel and actually drop the D bomb?

I really have no freaking clue what the IC is going for here.... And my mom is a shrink so I'm at least aware of the majority of the tricks they have up their sleeve.

I agree with Karm, Treasur, R2T, Thunder and the rest. I'm not sure I'd take this session all that seriously.... Run it through the Watcher Filter, see what makes sense (if any) and bin the rest....
Me - 54
MLC - 47
Together 20 years - Married for 17 at separation
S - 11
D - 7
2 Canines (each of us has one)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold and separated - March 2016
Mid-Lifer is initiating D

Survival Instructions for Newbies
Site Map
 
A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Offline Wonder no more

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Re: COOL HAND LUKE REDUX 3
« Reply #22 on: May 15, 2018, 12:54:20 PM »
Can't agree with the IC this time.  Totally wrong to keep you in a "prison" on year three.  Year one, year two but year three with zero positive signs.  I think it would make little difference in your boys lives if you divorce except you will have more power over when you see your boys.  It will also force her to be more financially responsible and if she doesn't she would risk losing the house and custody of the boys.  Sorry but your IC is only human, makes mistakes, etc.  You need to do what's best for you.  I do agree it is important for the boys , if possible, to remain in their schools.  That is why it is important to get this spelled out in legal papers.  It is your bargaining chip.  She needs to be held responsible in the financial department and will never do that under these circumstances.  You are paying for the mortgage and both boys private school.  Those are two big bills.  She is going to nail and hair appts. gambling, online crap and barely keeping food in the house.  Sorry, I can't agree with the IC on this one.  Sometimes you have to put on your own oxygen mask before you can help others.

Offline WatcherTopic starter

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Re: COOL HAND LUKE REDUX 3
« Reply #23 on: May 15, 2018, 05:36:14 PM »
Just Journaling, I will read tomorrow.

I saw the boys today. S18 had attitude with me and I backed off. I'm quite tired of being everyone's punching bag. S15 is the only one who gives me no grief. S18 has anxiety, depression and typical teenager stress so I did not respond. Oh and his home/family life is not the greatest by far.

MIL was there and she corrected him and told him not to speak to his father that way. MIL says W is filling his head and talking badly about me and she is getting worse. It was less than 30 seconds with her. I was actually just leaving the house while she talked.

Last night I only entered the house because we passed MIL walking on our way home. We drove passed her and I assumed she was meeting with her daughter. I would not have entered the house knowing that W was home.

I went to the gym tonight and had my double session. I am making friends and people marvel how I can do 2 back to back sessions. That place is my sanctuary. It really has been my best investment.

So I felt beat up today and left wondering what on earth am I doing. I have a wife who has walked away from her family and is mentally ill. I also believe she is mlc. Just a mess. I have S18 who has issues with anxiety and depression and is probably going to end up like his mom.

That's all I hear from my IC and his teachers at school. What are you going to do with this boy ? What is he going to do after high school ? Will he be able to goto college or hold down a job ? I have no eff'n clue because my partner has disappeared on me and left me to make all these decisions. Meanwhile she does everything possible to make life miserable for everyone and does her best to throw road block after road block my way.

Yes I have so much fear for S18. He is all I think about. It weighs on me and his mom just does not care. S15 will be fine in life. He is a natural leader. She just does not care. The graduation prints for next year came today and they were horrible.

I really wish this OM would just come and get her. I wake up everyday and have to watch the destruction of our once family and I am the ONLY one keeping it together. I'm tired and I am fed up. So I am going to bed.

The sun will come up tomorrow and I will start a new day and place this one behind me.

Have a good night.

Offline Velika

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Re: COOL HAND LUKE REDUX 3
« Reply #24 on: May 15, 2018, 07:12:08 PM »
Watcher, I can understand where you are coming from. We are in the frustrating position of having to turn to therapists to figure out how to deal with a mentally unwell person, all while dancing around the issue that they are sick, even though there has never been a single test to prove that they are mentally and neurologically healthy.

I can relate to your concern about making a decision. I like you am suffering from a lot of fatigue. I remember when three months seemed like an eternity. But now I actually miss those days, because at least then the image of what my ex used to be like was vivid, and I could remember the good memories.

It is very tricky dance to coparent with someone in this state. I can't offer advice around teenagers, but my former BIL was in your shoes for his older daughter's entire adolescence. Once she left for college, his ex wife (MLCer) derailed. Now his younger daughter lives only with him. He said she went from failing school, many health problems, to getting straight As, healthy, and happy.

I hope you and I can both find the strength and courage and have the good fortune to be able to get it right and turn this around for our children. I know what you mean about wishing OM would show up. I wish my ex would seriously derail. Not for my ego but simply so he can get help and I can better protect our son.

Sending good thoughts! And nicely done on the fitness regime.

Offline FaithWalker

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Re: COOL HAND LUKE REDUX 3
« Reply #25 on: May 15, 2018, 08:33:44 PM »
I'm getting caught up Watcher.  Did the May 10th deadline for utility bill getting shut off happen? 

I'm sorry that S18 was drinking some of your W's koolaid and took it out on you.  I am not a fan of MIL but I'm glad that she told him to stop disrespecting you.

Yes, I can see why you are very concerned with S18's future.  I hope he can pull through his M's MLC.   :'(  So much collateral damage.

My backyard is a disaster right now.  I spent a good deal of time tonight pulling up tree saplings that had planted themselves in the yard from the tree, and then immediately upon returning inside had a huge allergy attack.  I should have worn gloves.  I'm plugging away at getting it back into order, but I didn't get all the leaves raked up from winter, and I didn't get an early start on it with everything else going on this Spring.  I'm paying for it now.  Hopefully by this weekend I can make headway and then plant some pretty flowers in my planters/pots.  I can see how easily these MLCers can turn a blind eye.  I knew it was out there waiting for me, but it was pretty easy to ignore it for these last couple months.

The trash in the driveway is just gross.  Wow, such disregard.  My van can get totally disastrous, but I pull up to the dumpster/trash can and make sure it's all disposed of properly.  Your poor, poor neighbors.

I also don't agree with IC even though I am very pro marriage.  I'm slowly joining the "pull the plug" camp!
M-39
H-42
S-17
D-15
S-12
Friends for 7 years before dating
Married for 14 years
BD 12/14/15 - 2 weeks after 14th anniversary
Divorce final 4/13/16
EA - 9/15-4/16
New GF 12/16
Engaged to her 6/17 (I found out 8/10/17)
Moved to her State 4 States away - 7/13/17
Engagement off 8/20/17
Moved back to our State 8/24/17
Joined POF within the first month back


Link to my journey: 
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9907.0#new

"Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass... it's about learning to dance in the rain."

"Never become a container for bitterness.  Bitterness is a toxin that destroys what it's carried in."

"Sometimes -- some things have to break all apart so better things can be built."

Offline UrsaMajor

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Re: COOL HAND LUKE REDUX 3
« Reply #26 on: May 16, 2018, 03:48:28 AM »
Quote from: Watcher
MIL was there and she corrected him and told him not to speak to his father that way. MIL says W is filling his head and talking badly about me and she is getting worse

OK, I KNOW this is rude but I had to laugh when I read this....

This is the same MIL who calls your mom and says that she should get you back on track?  What? Like she (MIL) is all sweetness and light and says nothing but good things about you?



I'm pretty sure that S18 was probably shaking his head thinking WTF is this woman talking about? She gets right into it with mom...


Me - 54
MLC - 47
Together 20 years - Married for 17 at separation
S - 11
D - 7
2 Canines (each of us has one)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold and separated - March 2016
Mid-Lifer is initiating D

Survival Instructions for Newbies
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A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Offline Thunder

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Re: COOL HAND LUKE REDUX 3
« Reply #27 on: May 16, 2018, 04:12:12 AM »
Oh Watcher, your W has put you in such a terrible position with your sons.
She has such control over everyone.  She even has them terrified to call you. 

I know your oldest has some issues with depression and anxiety, and you're right it's probably the same illness his mother has, and is seeing a counselor.  But I wonder what his counselor thinks is the best way to help him.  Have you had any conferences with him?  If so, what does he suggest?  Does he recommend any kind of medication?
I know usually under 18 they don't like to medicate them.

I hope you can have a nice day, Watcher. 
You have a lot on your plate, my friend. 

With her permission, a quote from a recovered MLCer: 
From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did.

Offline Wonder no more

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Re: COOL HAND LUKE REDUX 3
« Reply #28 on: May 16, 2018, 07:08:07 AM »
Sorry to hear about S18's attitude.  I think you are right that he has his mother's issues.  Unfortunately, both your W and your S18 have no problem giving you this attitude while using you for their financial comfort.  Maybe it's time to take S18 out for a little talk.  He is old enough to understand some things and needs to show a little respect to you since you are trying hard to maintain their lifestyle and giving them a private school setting.  Maybe you should meet with his counselor.  All teens show some attitude but most parents correct this attitude with consequences.  He is old enough to know some truths about his mother.  This is why it is getting more important to get your legal rights over these kids.  Your W is not getting better.  Don't let her pollute your children.  It's time to stop giving your W so much control over ALL your lives.  I doubt they will ever turn off utilities with kids living in the house and I doubt she will ever have to fully pay for anything until it is spelled out legally. Maybe if she has to answer to the courts she will either get her act together or run.  Either way it will benefit both your boys and you. So sorry that you are in this messy situation. 

Offline Thunder

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Re: COOL HAND LUKE REDUX 3
« Reply #29 on: May 16, 2018, 08:16:40 AM »
Watcher, I just read about your bad storms yesterday.  It said NY and NJ got hit pretty hard and a lot of places were without power and had flooding.

Everything ok with you?
With her permission, a quote from a recovered MLCer: 
From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did.

Offline BBhelp

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Re: COOL HAND LUKE REDUX 3
« Reply #30 on: May 16, 2018, 10:17:42 AM »
Attaching Watcher.  Hang in there buddy.

BB
First Thread:  Back After A Long Break http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8080.0

Random Thoughts From Hard Earned Lessons: http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8194.0

Offline WatcherTopic starter

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Re: COOL HAND LUKE REDUX 3
« Reply #31 on: May 16, 2018, 12:22:00 PM »
S18 and I cleared the air today. I don't hold anything that he said against him. He has anger and has a right to be angry. I still haven't read any posts. Maybe tonight. I don't agree with everything that my IC says and she left me very confused yesterday. We will have to take that up in June.

S18 and I are in agreement that he needs to decompress after school. He gets tired and needs a nap. Fine. I told him that I will let him breathe and not be on top of him. S15 can take me however S18 does not have the same constitution. No big deal we will figure each other out.

My plans are still the same with the finances. I have no faith that she will pay the utilities so they will be turned off at some point and my mom is praying that W gets a lawyer to come after me, hahaha.  ::)

Memorial Day is approaching so we know where her mind is currently. MIL informed me that everyone knows about OM. Family, friends, co workers. He is no secret. (I already knew that).

I saw MIL for 20 seconds yesterday on my way out the door. They have a big problem on their hands with their daughter. It's not my problem. I am not fixing this mess nor am I going back to live at home.

I have the gym today in a bit. Maybe 1 session today. I am a bit tired. I will see how I feel after the first class. I will come back later.

Thanks

Offline KeepItTogether

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Re: COOL HAND LUKE REDUX 3
« Reply #32 on: May 16, 2018, 01:23:14 PM »
Hi Watcher. Just catching up. Happy to hear you and S18’are back on track. It definitely sounds like he battles depression. Poor boy. I cannot imagine being in your shoes. Must feel so overwhelming and hopeless. I feel that way at times, but my H is simply an abandoner. Your W is an obstuction. Such a delicate dance for you. You’re doing great under these difficult circumstances.

Stay strong friend.
Me 46
H 45
S11
BD 5/16
H Moved out 6/16
OW--yes. Worked for H. EA turned into PA while I was in chemo.

Offline WatcherTopic starter

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Re: COOL HAND LUKE REDUX 3
« Reply #33 on: May 16, 2018, 05:30:43 PM »
Hi KIT, BBHELP, Thunder, WonderNoMore, UrsaMajor, FaithWalker, Velika, Kmartsaghik, Treasur, Ready2Transform.

UM we were on the same page until yesterday and she has been walking me down this path so I really don't get what I felt was a reversal. She did talk about consequences but she steered clear of divorce. Your W has to live with the decisions she has made etc...

She has this grave concern over schooling and her lack of being a mother. Maybe I'm missing something from the session.  School has become the paramount issue for IC but I guess it always has been.

It was definitely contradictory and I will just leave it at that. Like I said I do not agree with her. I left there thinking that she had not prepped herself for our session.

Yes I have severed the relationship with W and vice versa. Chalk it up to she had an off day. It's possible.

All the utilities are past due and I have no faith they will be turned off. They are just accumulating.

Yes I found MIL too be very funny myself correcting S18. Again, she told me, they have talked to her and she does not want to change. She does not want me nor the marriage. She wants to pursue OM.

So I think I have to step out of the way( which I have) and let her pursue, "whatever that means to her" a man who is engaged and does not want her. In theory that means she just wants to continue to play on her phone and not be bothered. She is choosing the fantasy life over me and our son's. The enablers will not leave her.

She is just as angry as ever and will not listen to her parents about getting help or returning to her life.

I have been on the brink of divorce 3 times during our marriage. We are together 29 years and married almost 20. I seriously contemplated it in 2005 (my mom talked me out of it  :-\), 2013, and now 2018. This is probably the most serious of the 3 times.

She has been ill in some fashion since 2003. She went to a lawyer herself in 2013 and her parents forced her to stay put. I learned that during this crisis.

She is mentally ill and has been for a long time. I don't hold it against her. I try not to focus on 3 years BUT its going to be 3 years very soon.

The parents have seen this before and that is what they are hiding from me. Again I don't hold it against her however she needs to be willing to get professional help and she shows no signs in doing so.

So yes I have alot to contemplate. I have done a great job of GAL. I would like to have more GAL or just a LIFE without having to deal with this crisis and all that it entails.

Thanks everyone

   


Offline WatcherTopic starter

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Re: COOL HAND LUKE REDUX 3
« Reply #34 on: May 16, 2018, 07:22:43 PM »
I really hesitate sharing information because I REALLY don't want anybody to read into it because I am soooooo over words and her cryptic messages. I received a message today from W at 2:50pm and I just listened to it at 10pm.

"You do not call me, talk to me, nor show any interest in me."

I'm going to bed.
Good Night

Offline TryinSoul

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Re: COOL HAND LUKE REDUX 3
« Reply #35 on: May 16, 2018, 09:51:35 PM »
She has found a bit of reality.  Good for her.  I think no response is in order, until Septemberish? 

Also, for 2019... What do you think of kickboxing and armband at the same firetrucking time?!!  Would you have to wear two armbands to pull that off? 

Keep it up.  You are doing well. 

All that counts, is what comes next.

Offline UrsaMajor

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Re: COOL HAND LUKE REDUX 3
« Reply #36 on: May 17, 2018, 02:16:44 AM »
I really hesitate sharing information because I REALLY don't want anybody to read into it because I am soooooo over words and her cryptic messages. I received a message today from W at 2:50pm and I just listened to it at 10pm.

"You do not call me, talk to me, nor show any interest in me."

I'm going to bed.
Good Night

RED ALERT! RED ALERT! RED ALERT! RED ALERT! RED ALERT! DANGER WILL ROBINSON! DANGER!
Victim Mode incoming!



SO many answers to a message like that spring to mind.... NONE of which would be very helpful but at least it gives a chuckle to think about them...

1) "Yeah, because when I do, you throw irons at me."
2) "Yeah, because when I do, you call the cops"
3) "Yeah, because when I do <fill in the blank with any other of her silly behavior>"
4) "Who are you and why should I?"
5) "Hmmmmmm... And why do you suppose THAT would be?"
Me - 54
MLC - 47
Together 20 years - Married for 17 at separation
S - 11
D - 7
2 Canines (each of us has one)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold and separated - March 2016
Mid-Lifer is initiating D

Survival Instructions for Newbies
Site Map
 
A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Online Treasur

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Re: COOL HAND LUKE REDUX 3
« Reply #37 on: May 17, 2018, 02:58:27 AM »
I'm tempted to say 'ditto...why don't you start first and I'll follow along"...although I like 'sorry, who is this?'  ;)

On a serious note though, I can see that you are thinking hard Watcher about keeping the crazies away short-term and what choices you need to make to build a post-crazy Watcher life which also allows you to be a good active father to your growing sons. I get your point too about time...3 years is a long time and I think you've got to the point where you don't want more of the same for another 3 years, even if W/MiL do.
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD)
No kids.
BD Oct 15. OW since Apr 16?
H filed Jan 17. Divorced April 18

Grateful for any appearance of the tiny karma bus  
"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline Wonder no more

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Re: COOL HAND LUKE REDUX 3
« Reply #38 on: May 17, 2018, 04:40:09 AM »
Well Watcher, If you feel the need to respond, do so.  It won't change a thing but you can get off your chest some of your concerns about the boys and your finances.  If you believe she is out of the MLC fog then why not hammer home the financial BS that she is not addressing and issues with the boys.  Why shelter her from the destruction she has caused?  What would happen if you sent her an email, cc'd to your lawyer?  She would probably just go back to dark contact.  Some may not agree with me but I for one believe these MLCers need to not be sheltered from their mess. Maybe she needs to know how much you are leaning towards divorce due to her CURRENT behavior/actions. Just food for thought. 

Offline WatcherTopic starter

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Re: COOL HAND LUKE REDUX 3
« Reply #39 on: May 17, 2018, 05:10:29 AM »
Hi UrsaMajor, TryinSoul, Treasur, WonderNoMore.

Yes that's exactly what she is aiming for UM. Victim mode. Lets forget that I just lived at home for 6 months and she wanted nothing to do with me.  ::)  I can laugh about #1 and #2 and I would like to avoid both.  ;D

I knew running into her at the house would not be good. Acts of Service is her crazy LL. It will be 10 weeks NC this weekend.

TryinSoul, absolutely no response. The Kickboxing has really become my life. I have done 3 double sessions this week. It's becoming a very social environment. I do have the 5K's lined up and I run once a week to train. I also have a bicycle event with my brother this weekend. I do keep active.

The nice weather still has not arrived yet but I do plan on being outdoors all day long once it finally sticks around.

I thought I was going to the gym too much until I looked in the mirror this morning. I like the results and it just feeds my desire to keep at it.

My days are filled between work, gym, seeing the boy's. I still have to budget my life as a parent albeit in exile. I have a house that I still pay for. I have to be organized in otherwords. I'm living in my Aunt's house and my mom always needs me for something. So I am quite busy.

Treasur yes my plan is to stay away from the 2 crazies. Maybe I am in the process of just building on a new life.

I like to remove all the labels and just focus on the length of time sometimes. MIL would like it to continue because she fears for her daughter. She knows she is sick. As for my W, she is stuck.

She is caught in this fantasy life for 3 years and has done nothing to improve her life. She works, plays online and hangs out with her parents. She told me once that she needed time to explore. Apparently she is still exploring.

I do talk about divorce and its scares me. It equally scares me letting her back in again at some point. Responding to her message would be letting her back in IMO. Saying hello the other night instead of ignoring her. That's how guarded I am with her. That door is shut and I really do not focus on her.

It took me a very long time to shut that door. It's only been 10 weeks of this current phase. So it's going to be shut for awhile. Now I'm comfortable with myself however any contact with her will just do me harm in the end.

I just saw your post WNM. I see your point. I have hammered away on these finances. 5 or 6 emails since I left and the bills are still sitting there on the table. I agree that she shouldn't be sheltered from her destruction. In my situation we are well past that point.

Email about the bills and kids would not be bad. To make you REALLY laugh those are the types of emails that she complains about from me, lol. She wants nice emails. Those are considered bullying and threatening.

She likes poetry so maybe I can form it as a poem about bills and responsibilities. ::) Yes, at some point her and I need to have a serious talk about our son's . Our grass is 15 inches tall,  I find something new falling apart everyday in that house, and our boy's are really out of shape which is a big concern for me.

I will be talking to the boy's today about some ideas I have for them and see if they have any interests for the summer.

Enjoy your day everyone

Thanks
 

Offline Thunder

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Re: COOL HAND LUKE REDUX 3
« Reply #40 on: May 17, 2018, 05:16:12 AM »
Watcher, I am just speechless.

Makes me wonder what she wants this time.   :-\

I guess personally, I wouldn't even reply.  She'll probably forget about it by today anyway.  Just cycling...
With her permission, a quote from a recovered MLCer: 
From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did.

Offline Thunder

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Re: COOL HAND LUKE REDUX 3
« Reply #41 on: May 17, 2018, 05:29:27 AM »
We were writing at the same time.   :)

I'm glad you are going to talk with your boys.  It would be nice to get them out of that environment and into something healthy.

Good luck, Watcher.   ;)
With her permission, a quote from a recovered MLCer: 
From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did.

Offline UrsaMajor

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Re: COOL HAND LUKE REDUX 3
« Reply #42 on: May 17, 2018, 06:21:45 AM »
Dear WatcherMid-LiferW,

"Roses are red,
violets are blue,
The electric bill is outstanding,
and the water bill past due.

Please pay those."


How's that for a start? ;D
Me - 54
MLC - 47
Together 20 years - Married for 17 at separation
S - 11
D - 7
2 Canines (each of us has one)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold and separated - March 2016
Mid-Lifer is initiating D

Survival Instructions for Newbies
Site Map
 
A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Offline Thunder

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Re: COOL HAND LUKE REDUX 3
« Reply #43 on: May 17, 2018, 06:32:30 AM »
 ;D
With her permission, a quote from a recovered MLCer: 
From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did.

Offline Wonder no more

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Re: COOL HAND LUKE REDUX 3
« Reply #44 on: May 17, 2018, 06:43:07 AM »
LOL UrsaMajor...I love it.  So funny.   Watcher, Maybe it's time for your S18 to attempt a part-time job this summer.  It's time he get out in the real world before he's too scared to do it.  Most kids first job is around age 16.  I guess that would be a fight with the W.  It's a really important step in a young adult's life though and maybe can have something to do with an interest of his. If not, I hope you can involve them in some sort of exercise.  Please don't let your W dictate your time with them this summer even if you have to get some legal custody agreement without a divorce.  It's really important that they have the "normal" parent spend more time with them.
No problem with continuing no contact, I just meant if you wanted to vent don't feel like you have to hold back with her at this point.

Offline WatcherTopic starter

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Re: COOL HAND LUKE REDUX 3
« Reply #45 on: May 17, 2018, 12:41:01 PM »
Hi UrsaMajor, Thunder, WonderNoMore.

I also love that UM. LOL... My gym has a summer high school program and that was one item that we discussed today. I have to find out about the particulars. I agree, I think its important that another summer is not thrown away.

I just threw it out there for them to mull as they were both tired from school so I kept it light. I can offer, offer, offer. That is my plan to be a constant presence for them this summer but they have to be willing. I will do my part.

Well its 6 months of NC basically from her and she contacted me again today by email. Its her 6 month pattern. "Come home for your boys sake". Its Aug 2017 and Jan 2017 again, Maybe ?

"The boys need a father. ( I have heard this before many times) I have cleaned up my Facebook. LOL. (Yes she did, for today)  ::)

You should have talked to me the other night at the house. Please consider it Watcher".

So we are here again. Thankfully I finally have no desire to return home. So what do I do with her ? Ignore it and see if she persists. I am not returning home but I do want to make this about our son's. That is my angle this time.

IDK why she always needs me back home. Living together is not an option at all. I will wait to see if she persists. I'm only willing to talk about any issues regarding our son's.

She has no fear so something tells me she had another dream, lol. I'm going to the gym. I'm safe at the gym.  8)

Thanks


Offline Wonder no more

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Re: COOL HAND LUKE REDUX 3
« Reply #46 on: May 17, 2018, 04:03:50 PM »
Perhaps honesty will do.  Simply state that you are not going to live with her in that situation but that you want to be in your boys life more.  Tell her that you both need to learn to co-parent. If she comes back with more empty promises then state that you do not see any change, any effort in paying bills, etc.  What's different this time?  Nothing.  Cleaned up her facebook page?  LOL   I would think she would have to do more than that to lure you back.

Offline WatcherTopic starter

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Re: COOL HAND LUKE REDUX 3
« Reply #47 on: May 17, 2018, 04:17:22 PM »
I only did one session at the gym today as my hands are sore from punching the bag all week.

This is most likely a bill fear and I believe MIL is the culprit pushing her daughter onto me once again.

So I am holding off on any response. If W continues with contact then at some point I will most likely respond.

I'm solely interested in a co parent role so I would want to make that clear. Her reaching out is too abrupt. We have done it her way too often and it always fails. I only want to deal with the boy's at this point and I can do that from outside our home.

I'm not mad or angry at her however I know this is more of the same. She was just chasing this OM for 6 months and today he has completely disappeared online. Why ? It's been thrown in my face for 3 years off and on.

So my objective will be the boy's. Remove the blocks from their phones. Stop with the parental alienation. Allow me to have a healthy relationship with our son's as I am a positive male role model. She wants me to be a father, WELL, then that is what I want.

So we will see what happens. Before this week I was planning on sitting down with her and just asking her if she really just wants a divorce. I don't want to keep her stuck in a marriage that she is scared to exit.

If she says, yes, then I intend to grant her wish. She may just need to test this grass is greener theory and its just not going to happen with me in the picture. So now I will hold off on that for the moment.

I just saw you WonderNoMore. Yes I think it can only start with co parenting. If we cannot be parents then there is no point in trying. Yes I agree with everything you stated. It is the same just come home Watcher. Not enough for me and I don't expect her to change or be a wife.

Let's simply do the parent thing and see how that goes. There maybe something here that I'm not aware of. It's not the utilities that have scared her. Something else.

Have a good night

Thanks

Offline Thunder

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Re: COOL HAND LUKE REDUX 3
« Reply #48 on: May 17, 2018, 05:39:52 PM »
Watcher, I really thought about your last encounter with your IC, who you know I have much respect for and your W's contacting you out of the blue.

I agree with you, your IC was not on her game this time...so maybe cut her some slack.  I and you and others disagreed with her, but that's ok.  Most of the time she has been right on the mark.  Maybe discuss this with her next time.  She may need your honest feedback.

I am all for therapists who are pro "marriage" but I am against therapist who will not look at a marriage, realistically that the marriage is beyond repair and not tell their clients to move on.

If a spouse is mentally ill, unless they agree to get help, you can do nothing.   

I seriously think this is your Mil's doing, Watcher.  I told you she would find a way to get to you because nothing else worked.  You ignored her and your mom ignored her...so lets try her d sending you pity party msg's to make you feel you are not being there for your sons.

I hope you can ignore them.
You know better.
With her permission, a quote from a recovered MLCer: 
From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did.

Offline karmirtsaghik

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Re: COOL HAND LUKE REDUX 3
« Reply #49 on: May 17, 2018, 07:00:26 PM »
Watcher, I also agree with Thunder, that your wife's overtures are orchestrated by your MIL. However, your W is not very smart. Your boys are not young children. They are going to be out of house before she knows it. What is her strategy past these coming 2-2,5 years. What is she going to lure you home for when the boys left home.

 I agree that you should be allowed uninhibited access to your boys. It is crucial for them to see that their father cares and in involved in their lives.

Concerning your IC, I would mention your feelings/thoughts from last session to her in an upcoming session. I agree with Thunder that in general it is good to have an IC who is pro-marriage, but is this supposed to be a "marriage" at all cost. The purpose of marriage is not for two people to be/stay married but to have a happy/respectful/fulfilling relationship. If that is impossible to achieve regardless of the amount of work/self-improvement/patience/etc invested by one party, then it is better to move on or divorce. Life is too short.

When I think of what I could have done since 2013/2014 if it would not have been my H's MLC, I get really sad. I do not want to live my life thinking of could haves, would haves.

Take care Watcher.


Offline TryinSoul

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Re: COOL HAND LUKE REDUX 3
« Reply #50 on: May 17, 2018, 10:02:57 PM »
Watcher

I would simply reply “I visit the boys x days a week. They have cell phones and can call me anytime”. Don’t even mention the blocks.  Let her come back if she wants saying the phones are blocked or whatever.  And just reply with “Why”.  I think she needs to start putting this puzzle together with her own thoughts.  You have teenagers. You can tell them 10 times and it doesn’t happen, but if they come to the same conclusion once, it’s brilliant!  She likely needs the same.  Watcher is likely a manipulator, arent all LBS?

All that counts, is what comes next.

Offline UrsaMajor

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Re: COOL HAND LUKE REDUX 3
« Reply #51 on: May 18, 2018, 12:50:12 AM »
Quote from: Watcher
"Come home for your boys sake". Its Aug 2017 and Jan 2017 again, Maybe ?

"The boys need a father. ( I have heard this before many times) I have cleaned up my Facebook. LOL. (Yes she did, for today)  ::)

You should have talked to me the other night at the house. Please consider it Watcher"

Time for the MLC-Normal Human language traanslation system again....

Come back so I have someone to abuse. The boys aren't taking my crap like they used to.....

I need my bills paid so I can have water and power to the house and I can continue to live in my fantasy land....

I need someone to rant at and to scream at again. No one here is putting up with my crap. Please consider it...


Ï have cleaned up my FakeBook" in reality means either I have been slapped with a restraining order or I'm giving that tactic up since Watcher isn't reacting the way I want him to

This REEKS of MIL trying to make sure that the Gravy Train is still running along smoothly...

I think TryinSoul has a REALLY good idea with the reply and Thunder's belief that this e-mail was orchestrated by MIL....

UM

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A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
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Offline Wonder no more

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Re: COOL HAND LUKE REDUX 3
« Reply #52 on: May 18, 2018, 04:47:02 AM »
Karm brought up a good point.  What is the plan when the boys move on?  Unfortunately , I think, that your W's plan is for them not to move on.  She does nothing to promote their independence. There are home a lot atypical of teens their age.  Girlfriends?  First jobs? I don't think Watcher's wife wants them to move on.  They are almost always home unless they are with MIL and W.  I think she would panic if they were more independent.  Even though she does not function well as a mother, at the moment, she will not give up that role easily.  The boys are living a very sheltered life and I think that is why they love their school life because it's their only normal experience at this time.  They should be going to more parties, sleepovers, experiencing their first job etc.  How will they ever experience the independence of college without these experiences first?  Watcher, I hope you can continue to intervene in this situation and guide them towards a more independence life. 

Offline Thunder

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Re: COOL HAND LUKE REDUX 3
« Reply #53 on: May 18, 2018, 04:59:32 AM »
I guess I'm just wondering what happened to make her delete her fb information and want you to come home all of a sudden.

Did she finally get in trouble by the OM, or his fiancé?  Or is someone finally after her for her debts?
Is she in trouble at work?

Hmmm...I'd sure wait it out, Watcher.  Something doesn't add up.

Although I do like Tryin's advice.  "I see the boys x amount of days a week and they have cell phones to call me anytime they want."  Nothing more.
With her permission, a quote from a recovered MLCer: 
From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did.

Offline Helpingme!

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Re: COOL HAND LUKE REDUX 3
« Reply #54 on: May 18, 2018, 05:28:41 AM »
I agree with Wonder.  I don't think she wants them to leave. S20 has mentioned moving out twice in last year. W talked him out of it both times. S17 said he's moving off too college. W saud be better to drive back and forth. She actually said in one of her few moments of clarity that it scared her being just US left, boys moving out. I think that is a huge thing in their head.

Offline WatcherTopic starter

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Re: COOL HAND LUKE REDUX 3
« Reply #55 on: May 18, 2018, 05:30:54 AM »
Hi Thunder, Karmirtsaghik,  WonderNoMore, UrsaMajor, TryinSoul.

Well I had 12 hours of sleep which is unusual for me. I think it was the week of gym that wore me out.

W left a message that said she was going with her gut instinct and it's telling her to stay away from me so she has changed her mind.  ::) LOL

There are 2 messages from MIL and I have not listened to them yet so I think its obvious that MIL is applying pressure. At least that's how I'm reading it.

Karmirtsaghik you bring up something that I actually have been running through my head for sometime now. Once the boys are gone then what is left.

I have to admit that we threw all of our energy into our kids. We didn't have date nights. We did everything with our kids. Now we are going on 3 years of marital separation. Irregardless of whether I've lived at home or not, We have been separated.

I believe she has no plan for the boys. S18 had what I assume was a GF in 8th grade 2015. I remember receiving a call from W while I was in Minnesota in March 2015. He was out on a dinner date with the girl and her parents. I remember she wasn't happy.

The family had money and they saw each other awhile. Now I was kept out of the loop because we were already in the storm unbeknownst to me. S18 had a bday party at our home that May and W made him cancel like the day before. So that was the end of her.

S15 had a girl chasing him in 2015 himself. He was 12 so we are talking really innocent. They just talked on the phone or texted. That also ended because the mlc storm was brewing. She made him call her to break it off because they were moving to Florida. Very odd since they had a telephone relationship.

So both of her babies garnering interest from girls in 2015 at the same time did not help whatever she is going through. So maybe she was running away from more than just me.

She has zero interest in high school. I fund it and do the required volunteer hours. The boy's do their own work, as they should. MIL brought and prepared their clothes for the Christmas semi formal S15, Ring Ceremony S18, and Jr Prom S18.

Someone buys the school uniforms. I do not. MIL says W buys the uniforms but I highly doubt it.

Braces were begun in 2014 or 2015 so W got them in prior to being fully engrossed in her storm. I paid 12 of the 15 thousand and the remaining balance is in collection as W refuses to pay. They do goto all of their appointments and W and MIL take them. So I will credit MIL because I don't believe W cares.

As for college. They are only going to college under my guidance. MIL has already had countless discussions wirh me about S18 and college.

Look I'm not a big fan of MIL. We got along fine prior to BD but this experience has made everyone a bit crazy. MIL has continuously told me that her daughter does not care for these children. I don't believe that she is lying.

As for friends they both have showed that they are pushing for independence throughout this year. They do go out frequently with their friends. They have to be dropped off and that is handled by MIL.

Our home is isloated and it has most definitely been so for the past 3 years. No one has been permitted to visit as far as I know. Like I said, everything came to a crashing halt with BD in July 2015 and there was clear evidence of something wrong in the months prior.

I know my inlaws are scared for their daughter but even they have to worry about what is my interest in staying once the kids are gone. MIL is big on selling college to me now because that will give her another 7 full years before S15 graduates. I'm in no way signing up for.that.

MIL has to be gravely concerned about how my relationship develops with the boy's over this summer. That's where she needs to place her concern.

Ok I wrote too much and need coffee.

I will be back later. Enjoy your day everyone

Thank you
« Last Edit: May 18, 2018, 05:32:44 AM by Watcher »

Offline Thunder

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Re: COOL HAND LUKE REDUX 3
« Reply #56 on: May 18, 2018, 05:48:14 AM »
Well, that was short lived.  LOL

Cycling... ::)

Have a good day, Watcher!
With her permission, a quote from a recovered MLCer: 
From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did.

Offline WatcherTopic starter

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Re: COOL HAND LUKE REDUX 3
« Reply #57 on: May 18, 2018, 06:55:06 PM »
Hi HelpingMe, Thunder.

Yes thankfully short lived but at this point does it matter Thunder. That stuff doesn't work anymore on me. I'm really not interested in contact. I'm done wading in her BS.

OK, I stumbled upon the boys home today with no school. I'm not that in tune I guess. S18 went out with his friends and I had the day(8 hours) with S15.

His turn to vent.  ::) LOL, that one can vent to me everyday of the week. I love it when he speaks.  ;D

He has a problem at school with a couple of kids. Name calling. I said talk to your school counselor about it. He replied No and he doesn't want me to get involved.

He wants to beat the kids down. I said that's not constructive. He is more mad at the fact that he knows that he can take them and they don't believe it more so than the insults, lol. I said, go talk to your school counselor. He will think about it. Hmm. I don't think he is going to listen.

He is stressing over Algebra and possible summer school if he fails. I informed him that summer school would have to be at our public school because I do not have the money.

He said public school maybe the way to go next year as he has more friends there then his current school.

His friends say public school is a breeze. That's not a good reason for me to switch schools.

He is stressing over college and student loans. I said, kid, your a freshman in high school, what on earth are you talking about. Anyway, I'm still paying mine off, its life I told him. OMG.

I asked him how was his home life. I'm dealing with it dad. Your situation is hopeless and I don't believe you and mom are ever going to solve your problems.

I explained to him why I am not living at home again. He says he is tired of hearing the fighting and she still won't stop saying bad things about you.

I said I don't like you being alone. I stumbled on you today. Why won't you call me S15 ?  I would drop everything in a heartbeat for you. I know dad but she will find out. She deleted your number from my phone.

I said write it down on a piece of paper. Keep it in your bookbag. No. I said does your mom yell at you and your brother and he said Yes at times.
 
She doesn't like us talking to you or going out with you. So I said S15 what would you like me to do ? Should I walkaway and give up on you and your brother ? NO.

Would it be best if I just divorce your mom ? Would that make your life better ?  He then asked for an explanation of how that works. He will get back to me on that one, he said.  ::)

They goto Church every Sunday. That is the extent of her activity with them. So he looked much better after he got everything off his chest. We went out for lunch, I dragged him to class because I was not missing  ::), and dessert afterwards.

She came home and I left without seeing her. I told S15 that I will see you tomorrow and everyday from now on. We will find a way to make it work around mom's schedule.

What an eff'n week. Man o Man. There was MIL nonsense also but I just don't care to mention it. IDK very unusual for him to speak like he did. He is the everything is fine kid. I have to pay attention here.

I also brought the dog her favorite treats and she hasn't had them in 10 weeks. She was much appreciative.

Have a good night  ;D

Thanks
 


Offline WatcherTopic starter

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Re: COOL HAND LUKE REDUX 3
« Reply #58 on: May 19, 2018, 10:28:02 AM »
Yes TryinSoul she believes I am the Master manipulator already  ::). Gym was glorious this morning and I have S15 later today.

As suspected the 2 women are going at it. MIL messages say she has been hammering away on marriage and family and how its been disrespectful of her daughter to present herself as single. LOL, I don't know why she is bothering.

Nothing financially has transpired here yet so MIL must have other concerns about her daughter.

For her part, my son's mother, informed me again today that she is still going with her gut instinct to stay away from me. It doesn't feel right. Hahahaha.

Can I send a snarky reply. Something like good, my gut instinct tells me the same about you. Hahahaha. I know it sounds so bad but it is just the right touch of comedic relief.

I have no reason to reply nor get involved in this mess. I'm sure we will run into each other at some point and we will talk. At this point I'm going to need to be smacked in the head by a meteor to be interested.

There is going to need to be fundamental change and it sounds like the same dysfunction. Well it doesn't sound like it as it actually still is dysfunction. Yea crisis is still rolling along nicely.  At least she is making me laugh.

Have a good day everyone. We have rain.  :-\

Thanks

Offline Thunder

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Re: COOL HAND LUKE REDUX 3
« Reply #59 on: May 19, 2018, 02:12:41 PM »
Watcher,

She made me laugh too.  Like it's entirely up to her if you come home, or have contact again.  Still the entitlement, and her importance goes on.   Like you have no voice in this.  :)
I think it would be good to say that back to her.  Why not, you have gut instincts too.  You're are telling her the same thing...so you agree.  You don't have to say anymore.  She has, and has had for a long time, a grandiose attitude about herself.

It may be from everything she has done, you still don't divorce her, so she sees you as not being able to.  She is still the "queen" who you will never leave.  No matter what she does.

Anyway, I'm glad you got to spend quality time with your youngest son and he got a lot of stuff off his chest.  He obviously can't talk about these things with his mother.  She is sick, Watcher.  The way she talks about you (their father) is very destructive.

Watcher I know I've touched on this before, but because of what your S said, I want to share it again, because I think it's important.
We send our 3 kids to private schools since 1st grade.  It was expensive but I felt it was worth it.  I do think they tend to get a better, stricter education that benefits them.

However having said that, after my 1st D I could not afford my youngest son to attend the private school for his Senior year and I felt bad about it, but his father would not help, financially.  My S also had friends in private and public school.

What I found out was he did great in public school.  His private school education all those years put him at an advantage.  I seriously don't believe a few more years at the private school would have made any difference at that point. 

He ended up loving it.  He liked all the different classes they offered that the private school didn't.  He has wood working classes, mechanics classes and other things the private school didn't offer.
His Senior year was good for him, and I never regretted it.  I even wished I had sent all 3 of them to public school way before I did.

I guess my point is, after so many years of private schooling, they already had the benefit of private school.

I bet you money if you put them in public school you will see the same thing.  Private school benefits them, but not so much their last few years.  I'm being totally honest.
They will get better grades in a public school.  They've learned what their going to learn.
From my experience, it makes no difference at this point, and maybe the money you save could help fund college.

It also doesn't matter if your W (or your mom or your IC) agrees or disagrees.  (In ear, out the other)
Just something to think about.
If your W puts up a fuss let HER pay for their private school and do the volunteer work that is required, which you KNOW she won't, she'll just expect you to do it, as always.  Just don't do it.

I hope you have a good evening Watcher.

Cool here today.  X had a 10k and I, as a cheerleader  ;D, had to wear a windbreaker.
Only in MN can you have 84 degrees one day, and 60 the next.   ::)

« Last Edit: May 19, 2018, 03:17:09 PM by Thunder »
With her permission, a quote from a recovered MLCer: 
From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did.

Offline WatcherTopic starter

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Re: COOL HAND LUKE REDUX 3
« Reply #60 on: May 19, 2018, 08:10:43 PM »
Hi Thunder,

Yes her entitlement still prevails. She holds the fate of our "relationship" in her hands. Only she gets to decide, lol. Yes she has a grandiose attitude and I believe replying would be fine.

I am not getting back with her. She fails to recognize that the relationship is dead and over.  My heart is closed, I believe.  ::) If she will not change then I do not want her. I'm not interested in her please come home emails. It's not happening.

Today S15 and I were together 8 hours. Again I stumbled upon him. The 2 women and S18 were out. I would estimate they were gone quite sometime. I had him home at 10pm. Still out. I stayed a bit but I wanted to avoid any possible ugliness so I left him home. Hopefully they will be home soon.

The boys have both told me that they do not want to see any further conflict so I will comply on my end.

They did not contact him during the day and of course I fed him. I joke with him thank God I stop by or else you would starve to death. I told him I can stop by 5pm tomorrow to check in. It does make me angry for him.

We talked a lot. He brought up public school again and he has my blessing if he wants to go. He appreciates me hanging out with him. He likes the living arrangements and does not want me back home.

Public school is an interesting proposition. It will solely leave the house as the final string that attaches us. She always has been way too comfortable. I'm not giving in. I'm never moving back into that house just because it suits her for the moment.

I'm tired and going to bed. Have a good night.

Thanks

Offline Thunder

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Re: COOL HAND LUKE REDUX 3
« Reply #61 on: May 20, 2018, 07:29:27 AM »
Watcher,

I'm just wondering what would your son's mother (grin) do if you decided to put the kids in a public school?  Or at least the youngest one.
With her permission, a quote from a recovered MLCer: 
From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did.

Offline WatcherTopic starter

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Re: COOL HAND LUKE REDUX 3
« Reply #62 on: May 20, 2018, 10:11:47 AM »
Hi Thunder,

She really cannot do much about it. We are going to have a serious talk over the summer on how best to dissolve this marriage. I think we both need a fresh start. She does not want to be married so I will be more than glad to legally let her go.

I'm not looking to jump into another relationship. I think she just needs to legitimately have her freedom.

I cannot live at home and I have no desire to see her nor MIL. I don't plan on living with her so I don't know how this can continue to work.

So we are coming up on 3 years and we have had minimal interaction and a lot of living and not living together scenarios.

I don't want to be married to MIL and that's what it feels like to me. I will not allow myself to be sucked in again. I have no desire to have contact. I have no interest in her and I fear my feelings for her have died. That's where I am at.

I went on a 15 mile bike tour this morning. Plenty of families and that is what I miss. Plenty of women and that is also what I miss. I'm not going to spend my life waiting for her.

Like I said we will talk at some point.

Enjoy your day
Thanks

Offline Reb2817

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Re: COOL HAND LUKE REDUX 3
« Reply #63 on: May 20, 2018, 06:28:03 PM »
I am also coming up on 3 years. I think it just gets old telling your self you should wait it out. I know I have no interest in waiting anymore. As I can not remember any of the good times. H seems to be a just a bad person, that I no longer want to be around. And I think the waiting makes your love just some what disappear. But keep in mind you can not have a conversation with a crazy person and expect it to be normal. Believe  me I have tried. No contact is what makes my life much easier .

 

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