Author Topic: My Story COOL HAND LUKE REDUX 3  (Read 893 times)

Offline karmirtsaghik

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My Story Re: COOL HAND LUKE REDUX 3
« Reply #20 on: May 15, 2018, 11:05:55 AM »
Watcher,

I am bit novice in the IC department, as I have not have ICs myself, but I think that what she is saying is not right for you. You already have done a lot of your boys and they know that too. They are old enough to understand and assess what is going on between you and W. They are also old enough to understand that your W's behavior is not normal in any shape or form.

You as an only stable parent also should model what mature/respectful/loving adult relationships are. Their only compass is their dysfunctional family situation. It is unhealthy for them to be around it for a long time. You need legal protection to be able to celebrate Birthdays, go to trips, take them to dinners, without your W's interference. They need that. It is healthy for child/ren to see that the other parent is also involved. It is more important than the expensive private schools, tutoring, or gadgets in my opinion. From what I can tell, your boys are brought up by their mother/grandmohter in such a way that they cannot take responsibility and cut the grass, deal with flooded basement, repair minor things at home. You can teach them these simple skills, that everybody regardless of gender should know. But you need unsupervised/uncontrolled time with them. You cannot sneak around your house (which you pay for ), trying to avoid seeing your W, in order to see your kids. The need to know that Father in not an equivalent of ATM.

At the end of the day I would assess negatives vs. positives in each scenarios and make decision accordingly. Your heart should also be in agreement with whatever decision you arrive at.

Take care Watcher.


Offline UrsaMajor

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Re: COOL HAND LUKE REDUX 3
« Reply #21 on: May 15, 2018, 11:46:26 AM »
Since I'm replying from my phone, there will probably by Autocorrect errors and typos galore but....

DUDE! WTF? I'm not getting what the IC is selling....

She's been advocating that you D your Mid-Lifer and now she says that you shouldn't but you should be the stable parent? Or did I misunderstand that?

To be honest, it sounds like she's parroting MIL/BSCW (Bat-snot Crazy) all of the sudden.....

I just don't get it.

OK, you are the stable parent. Great. Fine. Everybody with 3 functional brain cells can see that....

Was this maybe a "reverse psychology" attempt, maybe because you said you were planning to file so the IC got on the "No, you need to stay trapped in the insanity" train in order to get you to REALLY rebel and actually drop the D bomb?

I really have no freaking clue what the IC is going for here.... And my mom is a shrink so I'm at least aware of the majority of the tricks they have up their sleeve.

I agree with Karm, Treasur, R2T, Thunder and the rest. I'm not sure I'd take this session all that seriously.... Run it through the Watcher Filter, see what makes sense (if any) and bin the rest....
Me - 54
MLC - 47
Together 20 years - Married for 17 at separation
S - 11
D - 7
2 Canines (each of us has one)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold and separated - March 2016
Mid-Lifer is initiating D

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A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
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Offline Wonder no more

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Re: COOL HAND LUKE REDUX 3
« Reply #22 on: May 15, 2018, 12:54:20 PM »
Can't agree with the IC this time.  Totally wrong to keep you in a "prison" on year three.  Year one, year two but year three with zero positive signs.  I think it would make little difference in your boys lives if you divorce except you will have more power over when you see your boys.  It will also force her to be more financially responsible and if she doesn't she would risk losing the house and custody of the boys.  Sorry but your IC is only human, makes mistakes, etc.  You need to do what's best for you.  I do agree it is important for the boys , if possible, to remain in their schools.  That is why it is important to get this spelled out in legal papers.  It is your bargaining chip.  She needs to be held responsible in the financial department and will never do that under these circumstances.  You are paying for the mortgage and both boys private school.  Those are two big bills.  She is going to nail and hair appts. gambling, online crap and barely keeping food in the house.  Sorry, I can't agree with the IC on this one.  Sometimes you have to put on your own oxygen mask before you can help others.

Offline WatcherTopic starter

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Re: COOL HAND LUKE REDUX 3
« Reply #23 on: May 15, 2018, 05:36:14 PM »
Just Journaling, I will read tomorrow.

I saw the boys today. S18 had attitude with me and I backed off. I'm quite tired of being everyone's punching bag. S15 is the only one who gives me no grief. S18 has anxiety, depression and typical teenager stress so I did not respond. Oh and his home/family life is not the greatest by far.

MIL was there and she corrected him and told him not to speak to his father that way. MIL says W is filling his head and talking badly about me and she is getting worse. It was less than 30 seconds with her. I was actually just leaving the house while she talked.

Last night I only entered the house because we passed MIL walking on our way home. We drove passed her and I assumed she was meeting with her daughter. I would not have entered the house knowing that W was home.

I went to the gym tonight and had my double session. I am making friends and people marvel how I can do 2 back to back sessions. That place is my sanctuary. It really has been my best investment.

So I felt beat up today and left wondering what on earth am I doing. I have a wife who has walked away from her family and is mentally ill. I also believe she is mlc. Just a mess. I have S18 who has issues with anxiety and depression and is probably going to end up like his mom.

That's all I hear from my IC and his teachers at school. What are you going to do with this boy ? What is he going to do after high school ? Will he be able to goto college or hold down a job ? I have no eff'n clue because my partner has disappeared on me and left me to make all these decisions. Meanwhile she does everything possible to make life miserable for everyone and does her best to throw road block after road block my way.

Yes I have so much fear for S18. He is all I think about. It weighs on me and his mom just does not care. S15 will be fine in life. He is a natural leader. She just does not care. The graduation prints for next year came today and they were horrible.

I really wish this OM would just come and get her. I wake up everyday and have to watch the destruction of our once family and I am the ONLY one keeping it together. I'm tired and I am fed up. So I am going to bed.

The sun will come up tomorrow and I will start a new day and place this one behind me.

Have a good night.

Offline Velika

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Re: COOL HAND LUKE REDUX 3
« Reply #24 on: May 15, 2018, 07:12:08 PM »
Watcher, I can understand where you are coming from. We are in the frustrating position of having to turn to therapists to figure out how to deal with a mentally unwell person, all while dancing around the issue that they are sick, even though there has never been a single test to prove that they are mentally and neurologically healthy.

I can relate to your concern about making a decision. I like you am suffering from a lot of fatigue. I remember when three months seemed like an eternity. But now I actually miss those days, because at least then the image of what my ex used to be like was vivid, and I could remember the good memories.

It is very tricky dance to coparent with someone in this state. I can't offer advice around teenagers, but my former BIL was in your shoes for his older daughter's entire adolescence. Once she left for college, his ex wife (MLCer) derailed. Now his younger daughter lives only with him. He said she went from failing school, many health problems, to getting straight As, healthy, and happy.

I hope you and I can both find the strength and courage and have the good fortune to be able to get it right and turn this around for our children. I know what you mean about wishing OM would show up. I wish my ex would seriously derail. Not for my ego but simply so he can get help and I can better protect our son.

Sending good thoughts! And nicely done on the fitness regime.

Offline FaithWalker

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Re: COOL HAND LUKE REDUX 3
« Reply #25 on: May 15, 2018, 08:33:44 PM »
I'm getting caught up Watcher.  Did the May 10th deadline for utility bill getting shut off happen? 

I'm sorry that S18 was drinking some of your W's koolaid and took it out on you.  I am not a fan of MIL but I'm glad that she told him to stop disrespecting you.

Yes, I can see why you are very concerned with S18's future.  I hope he can pull through his M's MLC.   :'(  So much collateral damage.

My backyard is a disaster right now.  I spent a good deal of time tonight pulling up tree saplings that had planted themselves in the yard from the tree, and then immediately upon returning inside had a huge allergy attack.  I should have worn gloves.  I'm plugging away at getting it back into order, but I didn't get all the leaves raked up from winter, and I didn't get an early start on it with everything else going on this Spring.  I'm paying for it now.  Hopefully by this weekend I can make headway and then plant some pretty flowers in my planters/pots.  I can see how easily these MLCers can turn a blind eye.  I knew it was out there waiting for me, but it was pretty easy to ignore it for these last couple months.

The trash in the driveway is just gross.  Wow, such disregard.  My van can get totally disastrous, but I pull up to the dumpster/trash can and make sure it's all disposed of properly.  Your poor, poor neighbors.

I also don't agree with IC even though I am very pro marriage.  I'm slowly joining the "pull the plug" camp!
M-39
H-42
S-17
D-15
S-12
Friends for 7 years before dating
Married for 14 years
BD 12/14/15 - 2 weeks after 14th anniversary
Divorce final 4/13/16
EA - 9/15-4/16
New GF 12/16
Engaged to her 6/17 (I found out 8/10/17)
Moved to her State 4 States away - 7/13/17
Engagement off 8/20/17
Moved back to our State 8/24/17
Joined POF within the first month back


Link to my journey: 
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9907.0#new

"Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass... it's about learning to dance in the rain."

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Offline UrsaMajor

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Re: COOL HAND LUKE REDUX 3
« Reply #26 on: May 16, 2018, 03:48:28 AM »
Quote from: Watcher
MIL was there and she corrected him and told him not to speak to his father that way. MIL says W is filling his head and talking badly about me and she is getting worse

OK, I KNOW this is rude but I had to laugh when I read this....

This is the same MIL who calls your mom and says that she should get you back on track?  What? Like she (MIL) is all sweetness and light and says nothing but good things about you?



I'm pretty sure that S18 was probably shaking his head thinking WTF is this woman talking about? She gets right into it with mom...


Me - 54
MLC - 47
Together 20 years - Married for 17 at separation
S - 11
D - 7
2 Canines (each of us has one)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold and separated - March 2016
Mid-Lifer is initiating D

Survival Instructions for Newbies
Site Map
 
A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Offline Thunder

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Re: COOL HAND LUKE REDUX 3
« Reply #27 on: May 16, 2018, 04:12:12 AM »
Oh Watcher, your W has put you in such a terrible position with your sons.
She has such control over everyone.  She even has them terrified to call you. 

I know your oldest has some issues with depression and anxiety, and you're right it's probably the same illness his mother has, and is seeing a counselor.  But I wonder what his counselor thinks is the best way to help him.  Have you had any conferences with him?  If so, what does he suggest?  Does he recommend any kind of medication?
I know usually under 18 they don't like to medicate them.

I hope you can have a nice day, Watcher. 
You have a lot on your plate, my friend. 

With her permission, a quote from a recovered MLCer: 
From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did.

Offline Wonder no more

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Re: COOL HAND LUKE REDUX 3
« Reply #28 on: May 16, 2018, 07:08:07 AM »
Sorry to hear about S18's attitude.  I think you are right that he has his mother's issues.  Unfortunately, both your W and your S18 have no problem giving you this attitude while using you for their financial comfort.  Maybe it's time to take S18 out for a little talk.  He is old enough to understand some things and needs to show a little respect to you since you are trying hard to maintain their lifestyle and giving them a private school setting.  Maybe you should meet with his counselor.  All teens show some attitude but most parents correct this attitude with consequences.  He is old enough to know some truths about his mother.  This is why it is getting more important to get your legal rights over these kids.  Your W is not getting better.  Don't let her pollute your children.  It's time to stop giving your W so much control over ALL your lives.  I doubt they will ever turn off utilities with kids living in the house and I doubt she will ever have to fully pay for anything until it is spelled out legally. Maybe if she has to answer to the courts she will either get her act together or run.  Either way it will benefit both your boys and you. So sorry that you are in this messy situation. 

Offline Thunder

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Re: COOL HAND LUKE REDUX 3
« Reply #29 on: May 16, 2018, 08:16:40 AM »
Watcher, I just read about your bad storms yesterday.  It said NY and NJ got hit pretty hard and a lot of places were without power and had flooding.

Everything ok with you?
With her permission, a quote from a recovered MLCer: 
From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did.

 

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