Author Topic: Discussion Sex!  (Read 983 times)

Offline Limboland2018Topic starter

  • Trial Subscriber
  • Jr. Member
  • *
  • Posts: 35
  • Gender: Female
Discussion Sex!
« on: May 16, 2018, 12:50:11 AM »
So I’m still reeling from my husband definitely wanting a divorce (and I’m not standing). But it was really hurtful that he said he never ever wanted to have sex with me again. He says I’m attractive but not to him. Btw... I’m in great shape and look young. Do the mlc partners always say such hurtful things constantly? Some of you have mentioned you still have sex with your partner. Anyway I think my ego has taken a battering. So am just venting.
« Last Edit: May 16, 2018, 08:13:03 AM by OldPilot »

Offline Whyus

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 1929
  • Gender: Male
Re: Sex!
« Reply #1 on: May 16, 2018, 01:06:56 AM »
My W also said something similar. Why would you want to have sex with him if your not Standing??

My W is the last Woman I would have sex with atm, she doesnt deserve the attntion, time or Energie!!
Married - 19,5 Years pre BD
Together - 21,5 Years
Me: 44
W: 44
BD 1: 10.01.2017
BD 2: 24.02.2017 OM 28. Trainings partner. Still together
2 Sons - 18 & 19
2 Dogs and a cat.
Own home . Sold!
Divorce Filed
T1  http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8671.0
T10. http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9547.0

Offline Insecurity_08

  • Trial Subscriber
  • Jr. Member
  • *
  • Posts: 94
  • Gender: Female
Re: Sex!
« Reply #2 on: May 16, 2018, 01:41:06 AM »
    I have not asked this yet. What I did ask when he came back to living home, what kind of affection is still a possibility? He said: "I don't mind if you hug me (I stopped doing that after 4 days, could tell he doesn't care if I do this or not. And I want genuine hugs not something he does out of sympathy). I said: "so no more kissing and no sex?" He said: "preferably not."

    Of course he has this thing going with OW. And probably gets everything he needs from her (I don't talk about her anymore).

    Also sometimes when I'm in the shower/bathroom he comes in to ask some questions. He just looks straight through me. And he used to be super enthusiastic when he saw me naked. Ever after nine years. I know I still have good body. Even better than OW's probably. I don't think he all of the sudden thinks I'm not attractive anymore.

    There are several options the way I see it. Maybe a combination even:


    He simply doesn't care right now. Because he has emotionally withdrawn.
    In his twisted, foggy mind he believes he is an a monogamous R with OW (I pointed it out she probably still has sex with her h and he angrily responded: that he doesn't care). And doesn't want to cheat on her.
    He is still physically attracted to me, but doesn't want me to notice this.

    I'm having a hard time with it too. I know rationally speaking as long as OW is in the picture I shouldn't even think about it. But I miss it. And he is probably having the time of his life with her.
« Last Edit: May 16, 2018, 02:43:45 AM by Insecurity_08 »

Offline Limboland2018Topic starter

  • Trial Subscriber
  • Jr. Member
  • *
  • Posts: 35
  • Gender: Female
Re: Sex!
« Reply #3 on: May 16, 2018, 02:04:18 AM »
Hi Whyus I’m not standing but I think I’ve thought about it cause it hurts my ego....a lot.  He always used to love having me on his arm. He loved it that I was a gorgeous woman but now doesn’t care.

Insecurity- you make a good point. He has withdrawn from me so he doesn’t want to be physical with me. Tbh- I couldn’t have sex with him either as he’s hurt me so much.

Offline Silver

  • Moderator
  • Hero Member
  • *
  • Posts: 1331
  • Gender: Male
Re: Sex!
« Reply #4 on: May 16, 2018, 02:15:51 AM »
Insecurity and Limboland,

I think you found the right answer already: they don't care bc of withdrawing emotionally far from you. That's what they do and it has nothing to do with how attractive you are (I BET you are!) or how they looked you before. This is not before, this is MLC, sorry to say.
"I've seen dreams that move the mountains, hope that doesn't ever end even when the sky is falling. I've seen miracles just happen, silent prayers get answered, broken hearts become brand new. That's what faith can do." Kutless

Offline Insecurity_08

  • Trial Subscriber
  • Jr. Member
  • *
  • Posts: 94
  • Gender: Female
Re: Sex!
« Reply #5 on: May 16, 2018, 02:44:45 AM »
Insecurity and Limboland,

I think you found the right answer already: they don't care bc of withdrawing emotionally far from you. That's what they do and it has nothing to do with how attractive you are (I BET you are!) or how they looked you before. This is not before, this is MLC, sorry to say.

I know I shall have to find a way to learn to live with it for now. Or give up my stand!

Offline Oranges

  • Trial Subscriber
  • Newbie
  • *
  • Posts: 4
  • Gender: Female
Re: Sex!
« Reply #6 on: May 16, 2018, 02:53:39 AM »
Yep I also feel the same way. I workout and keep fit and felt good about myself.  I know his opinion shouldn't count but it has made me feel ugly.

He has gained heaps of weight over the years.  He is trying to lose it now but he really let himself go because he was comfortable. 

I also do not think I can stand.  He is mean.  If he wants someone else then I'm beginning to think I cannot endure that.  I think my self esteem could not survive it.  I think I should let go... but I don't know.  I love who he was, but he is not that person anymore.  What if he never returns or he turns into someone I do not like.

Offline Insecurity_08

  • Trial Subscriber
  • Jr. Member
  • *
  • Posts: 94
  • Gender: Female
Re: Sex!
« Reply #7 on: May 16, 2018, 03:07:24 AM »
Yep I also feel the same way. I workout and keep fit and felt good about myself.  I know his opinion shouldn't count but it has made me feel ugly.

He has gained heaps of weight over the years.  He is trying to lose it now but he really let himself go because he was comfortable. 

I also do not think I can stand.  He is mean.  If he wants someone else then I'm beginning to think I cannot endure that.  I think my self esteem could not survive it.  I think I should let go... but I don't know.  I love who he was, but he is not that person anymore.  What if he never returns or he turns into someone I do not like.

I get that. Mine still is attractive but also gained some weight. I don’t feel unattractive because him doing that. It is just MLC like silver said. As for OW she is not an ugly woman (on the outside at least ;-)). But I’m more attractive and I don’t say this often about myself. He just feels some kind of connection with her now that he doesn’t feel with me. But he is running from reality! So no it doesn’t affect my self esteem.

My h still is very nice to me (I’m “his best friend” according to him). So for now it is possible to keep my stand, but I don’t have any clue of how long I can do it. Nobody does I think. I can imagine if there is emotional or physical abuse, that you choose not to!

Online UrsaMajor

  • Moderator
  • Hero Member
  • *
  • Posts: 5601
  • Gender: Male
  • You can't please everyone, you aren't a pizza
Re: Sex!
« Reply #8 on: May 16, 2018, 03:18:30 AM »
Yeah, I got that too - Even so far as to get told that I was "yucky like her brother." Now BIL is not a model but he's no pond scum either...

And yeah, my self picture went straight into the toilet...

Courtesy of the LBS diet though, I have dropped about 20 lbs (it was more but some has come back courtesy of the gym so a lower Body Fat %) whereas she has gained a bit.....

There is no physical contact between us (I might give her cooties or something I guess) more than a hug at Christmas when I gave her a present that she liked.... Even that felt totally strange to me...
Me - 54
MLC - 47
Together 20 years - Married for 17 at separation
S - 11
D - 7
2 Canines (each of us has one)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold and separated - March 2016
Mid-Lifer is initiating D

Survival Instructions for Newbies
Site Map
 
A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Offline Thunder

  • Moderator
  • Hero Member
  • *
  • Posts: 16930
  • Gender: Female
Re: Sex!
« Reply #9 on: May 16, 2018, 03:29:51 AM »
You have to keep in mind these affair partners have nothing to do with looks or what their body looks like, it's all emotional and how these ow/om's make them feel.  That's why they could be anyone.  They were just there and willing to lower themselves to date a married person.

Some of these OP's are down right unattractive.  It doesn't matter because it's not about sex.
Most of the time the spouse IS much better looking.
With her permission, a quote from a recovered MLCer: 
From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did.

 

SMF spam blocked by CleanTalk
Legal Disclaimer
The information contained within The Hero's Spouse website family (www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com, http://theherosspouse.com and associated subdomains), (collectively 'website') is provided as general information and is not intended to be a substitute for professional legal, medical or mental health advice or treatment for specific medical conditions. The Hero's Spouse cannot be held responsible for the use of the information provided. The Hero's Spouse recommends that you consult a trained medical or mental health professional before making any decision regarding treatment of yourself or others. The Hero's Spouse recommends that you consult a legal professional for specific legal advice.

Any information, stories, examples, articles, or testimonials on this website do not constitute a guarantee, or prediction regarding the outcome of an individual situation. Reading and/or posting at this website does not constitute a professional relationship between you and the website author, volunteer moderators or mentors or other community members. The moderators and mentors are peer-volunteers, and not functioning in a professional capacity and are therefore offering support and advice based solely upon their own experience and not upon legal, medical, or mental health training.