Author Topic: Discussion Sex!  (Read 976 times)

Offline Helpingme!

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Discussion Re: Sex!
« Reply #20 on: May 16, 2018, 07:29:43 AM »
Too add too what Off-road said from this man's point of view.
Love has nothing too do with physical attraction.
Yes, first time I seen my wife and OH $h!t!! Was her looks, but I fell in love with her personality. As age comes, it doesn't matter how much of a good looking person you are, you can't compete with youth, just not happening. 
But as years went on, I was more attracted too my wife physically too. Every little stretch mark caused from my 2 sons,  yep , even more. It's called love, not attraction. That's why it's all BS in my opinion.
I don't know how women feel, but for me, it's just like off road said, she could be drop dead georgeous, but be a dud!! Bot happening. 

Offline FamilyIsMyGoal

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Re: Sex!
« Reply #21 on: May 16, 2018, 07:33:09 AM »
im A bit embarrassed about my response:

My StBXH said he would “never sleep in my bed again”. He said this several times. Because I often rejected him which is true. But for me, the sex hasn’t been enjoyable for years because it lasted a total of about 30 seconds. Sorry for the details. It was not fun for other reasons as well but I won’t go into that. Let’s just say I didn’t even feel like I was there, just sort of used. But he did blame me for everything sex wise. I said I was willing to go to sex clinic or therapist together but MLC and BD happened before that. I’ll also say that in my previous relationship, sex was a big part of our lives and very enjoyable for me. I think if I would have had sex whenever he wanted it I wouldn’t be getting divorced right now. I don’t know. This is tough for me. At this point I’m terrified to ever be intimate again. I can’t even remember what it feels like to be sexual. Sorry if this is TMI!
Divorce Bomb August 6, 2017
Married 19 years
Together 22 years
Physically separated - he's 15 miles away
Two Teenage boys
Me: 54
H 58
OW? I don't know - probably plural

Online nah

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Re: Sex!
« Reply #22 on: May 16, 2018, 08:45:33 AM »
Sorry if this is TMI!

You must not have read my early threads.  2014 was quite a year for me.  ;D ;D

But, your post proves the point that it's not about sex.  Sure, they might say it is, maybe even think it is, but if the soldier is having issues standing up at home, the same issues will pop up (or not  ;) ) with someone else.

I almost fell out of my chair when my husband responded to a letter I wrote to him about a week after BD.  Among other complaints (all bogus btw) was we were becoming "roommates".

Excuse me?!?

For 25+ years he boasted to all his friends how his wife was a "crazy red-headed nympho"... I was all over him, all the time.  Then he started to change and HE pushed ME away.  I thought he was having erectile issues (which he was) so I didn't pressure him.  Believe me, it wasn't b/c I didn't want it.  I love sex.  After he left I found a mountain of Viagra in his nightstand.  He hated that stuff, said it gave him a headache... but he needed it to impress the young girls.  The last thing I was worried about even then, was that he was having some wild sex party without me.  He couldn't keep up with me then, so there is no way in Hell he could keep up with me now.  I wouldn't at all be surprised if the Mrs-tress is frigid and thanks her lucky stars every night that she gets to live in a big sex-free house b/c that's all she wanted anyways.

So question for the men on this thread...

Would you rather have sex with a perfect body that just lays there and prays it will be over soon

or

A chubby non-perfect older woman who actually wants to enjoy sex and not your bank account??
H-53
me-51
ow-30
married 1986
BD April 6 2013 day after family went out for sons birthday.
I packed his bags two days later...semi-vanisher

Offline Helpingme!

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Re: Sex!
« Reply #23 on: May 16, 2018, 08:55:59 AM »
Nah, lol. You have made my day!
The chubby, non-perfect older woman!!!! No doubt!

Offline Helpingme!

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Re: Sex!
« Reply #24 on: May 16, 2018, 09:01:04 AM »
Boy if this thread would have started on a Friday!!! I think we would have hit 150 post by lunch.
I think it was Treasur said, We are all sex deprived LBS!
I'm surprised this subject doesn't come up more often!

Offline Velika

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Re: Sex!
« Reply #25 on: May 16, 2018, 09:06:46 AM »
To all new LBS, if your mLC spouse tells you that there is something wrong with your sex life or that sex is the reason why he is leaving you, please, please DO NOT SLEEP WITH HIM.

I have seen a number of stories on this forum where a MLCer will say this, and the wife takes him seriously, only to compromise herself and sleep with him in a way she might not have before — only to have him still leave her for another woman.

There was even one instance where the MLCer $l*t shamed his wife!

Please do not sleep with these men. They are confused, irrational, if not full-on mentally ill. Step away, way back from the situation, until you are not traumatized and can think clearly again. There is something called "hysterical bonding" that can occur after an affair. Don't do it!

My feeling is that LBS should take the mindset that she needs a suitor after this. Someone who is going to fall in love with her and want to win her over. Don't settle! Your MLC spouse is extremely messed up. If you would not knowingly sleep with a mentally ill person, do not sleep with him.

Offline Thunder

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Re: Sex!
« Reply #26 on: May 16, 2018, 09:26:06 AM »
Helping, I think a lot of people are embarrassed to talk about it, or don't think they should.

It's ok to talk about, just not too graphically.  No one needs to know the knitty gritty.   :)
It's a big part of a marriage or a relationship. 
With her permission, a quote from a recovered MLCer: 
From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did.

Offline FamilyIsMyGoal

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Re: Sex!
« Reply #27 on: May 16, 2018, 09:48:14 AM »
Nah you always make me laugh!  It wasn’t the bit of ED that bothered me, that’s just nature and happens. It was the very quick and very unconnected way he chose to do it. Every time, I knew he was pretending I was someone else. At least in the later years. I also gained weight and he made it known that disgusted him. Well that didn’t help matters. Thanks to the LBS diet though, I’m smoking hot again! Lol.
Divorce Bomb August 6, 2017
Married 19 years
Together 22 years
Physically separated - he's 15 miles away
Two Teenage boys
Me: 54
H 58
OW? I don't know - probably plural

Online Milly

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Re: Sex!
« Reply #28 on: May 16, 2018, 10:20:39 AM »
Interesting thread. My H blamed lack of sex as his reason for leaving me. After BD he told me I disgusted him. His OW is an ex model so I felt like poop. However, many OW are ugly, or much less attractive than the LBS so even I have to accept that there has to be more to it than sex.

I believe that our Hs, like most of us, can only be into one person at a time. So when they are turned towards the OP, they can't also be turned towards us, or maybe some Hs can carry on having sex with their wives but not in a full, loving way. It's one or the other even for them.

Then they feel very guilty about what they've done to us. I believe it's a combination of the OW demanding their fidelity (not like us, we presumed it, but she knows better), and our MLCers wanting to do the right thing now by being faithful, albeit to the OP, so as to not make that terrible mistake of cheating again.

In my mind that doesn't mean they can't look at us at times and like what they see. My H would sneak peaks at me as I walked past him, and then stand with his back to me when I returned, almost like he needed a large barrier so as to not have any thoughts that would get him into trouble.

Cheating makes the faithful partner feel like $h!te, there's not way around it. And this makes it doubly hard for the MLCer to forgive themselves.

I do feel so much better about myself now. I do believe my H 'encouraged' me to dress down and not take care of myself. He was always complaining if I went to the hairdresser, kept me on a tight budget for clothes, although just like the rest of them, he was spending outrageous amounts on himself.

I can see that it would be easy to be attracted to a new person who's all dressed up and relaxed because they don't have all the shared responsibilities, whilst I was at home running the show, exhausted, dirty, and in old clothes. Easy to put the blame on me for looking disgusting. I don't know why I allowed it. I would never allow that again in the future.

Now I treat myself to anything I can afford and I like myself so much better. It's not about hair and makeup, it could be treating yourself to your favourite hobby, or travel if that's what you're into. I just mean treating ourselves, period, full stop. Before, I sacrificed myself for my family and allowed myself to be mentally abused. I'm sure that wasn't sexy, even though it wasn't right.
Married 1989, together since 1984 
BD May 2014,
D23, D20, S13
OW Physical Affair. He and she said she turned 34 the month of BD. She turned 50 last year.

Online nah

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Re: Sex!
« Reply #29 on: May 16, 2018, 10:31:51 AM »
I also gained weight and he made it known that disgusted him. Well that didn’t help matters. Thanks to the LBS diet though, I’m smoking hot again! Lol.

I'm glad you're smoking hot,... but that doesn't have to do with a number on a scale.  It's your attitude.

Nah, lol. You have made my day!
The chubby, non-perfect older woman!!!! No doubt!

^^^
See?

This subject always get my blood boiling.  Not b/c of anything the LBS says, but those damn MLCers that heap all their insecurities on our shoulders. 

the sex hasn’t been enjoyable for years because it lasted a total of about 30 seconds.

^^. His issues not yours.

but the thought of having sex with me made her stomach turn.   

^^
I mean, really, who says sh!t like this but a very very insecure individual?


As crazy as this sounds, nothing pisses me off more than the crappy gaslighting he did to make me feel old, fat and ugly.  Yes, I let him but wtf...  Why couldn't he just say that he was feeling bad about himself and get some help or just leave?  Nope, he had to spend at least a year convincing me that I was past my prime and was oh so lucky that he would even be in the same room with me.

...and listen to the newbies on here every day.  It works.  We walk around like zombies that feel hollow and used up.

I don't care if you have extra weight or not, I don't care if there are wrinkles around the eyes, stretch marks b/c we carried children, the girls hang a little lower than they used to... it doesn't matter.  It's all about confidence and when they shatter ours, we feel like we are all done.

I have a very good friend who was BD almost 15 years ago.  She was heavy and blamed everything on herself for "letting herself go" even though her husband literally ghosted her for over a year b/c he met a 19 yr old.  They lost everything.

Fast forward to today.  She is now the same weight (maybe even bigger) but she is with a great guy that only has eyes for her.  Their smiles couldn't get bigger.  She said to me once, "He knew my size when we met and still wanted to be with me.  I'm now almost 50 and having the best sex in my life". 

Who cares what the MLCers think?  All they know how to do is lie... what does that tell you?
H-53
me-51
ow-30
married 1986
BD April 6 2013 day after family went out for sons birthday.
I packed his bags two days later...semi-vanisher

 

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