Author Topic: Discussion Anyone else have a vanisher? 16  (Read 305 times)

Offline Rising PhoenixTopic starter

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Discussion Anyone else have a vanisher? 16
« on: May 17, 2018, 01:13:09 AM »
I hope blue rose doesn’t mind but I have started vanisher thread 16.

Link to previous thread


http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=10022.0
Me 50
H50
Married 20yrs
Together 29yr
BD 20/10/2014
Left first 12/12/2014
10 come backs and leaves again for same ow
Last left 7.03.17.
Ow 16 yrs younger, no children never been married. co worker. EA turned to PA and lives with ow
Divorce bomb drop by him 31/8/17 by solicitor letter after being caught by ow at lunch with me 3 wk earlier.
Crazy divorce started by him.
Currently NC instigated by him as ow has balls in a vice!

Offline Rising PhoenixTopic starter

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Re: Anyone else have a vanisher? 16
« Reply #1 on: May 17, 2018, 02:08:07 AM »
So yest I emailed and stated as he said he is happy to see the kids then I will take them to the park at 4pm today, quickly tell him about their life and leave and return at 6 to pick them up. If goes well I will drop at park on Sunday at 2pm and pick up at 4 pm .

Am fully prepared for a no show, as expected no reply xx
Me 50
H50
Married 20yrs
Together 29yr
BD 20/10/2014
Left first 12/12/2014
10 come backs and leaves again for same ow
Last left 7.03.17.
Ow 16 yrs younger, no children never been married. co worker. EA turned to PA and lives with ow
Divorce bomb drop by him 31/8/17 by solicitor letter after being caught by ow at lunch with me 3 wk earlier.
Crazy divorce started by him.
Currently NC instigated by him as ow has balls in a vice!

Offline Nas

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Re: Anyone else have a vanisher? 16
« Reply #2 on: May 17, 2018, 07:22:02 AM »
So sorry for all you're going through, RP.

Forgive me, I'm not as caught up on things as I would like to be, but are you standing?

If you're not standing, what I'm about to say is a moot point.  But if you are standing, my only advice to you would be to try not to react to him with so much emotion involved.
I know that's so much easier said than done.  But by showing him that you are upset by his actions, he feels you're still right where he left you.

(It's a tough line to walk.  Of course you're beyond upset by the way he's treating his kids.  It's so sh*tty and beyond reprehensible.  And of course you don't want to give him the impression you're okay with it either.  But it also feeds his justification more when he perceives that you are telling him what he has to do or reprimanding him for not seeing the kids.  We have no control over the crappy things our MLCers do.  Not making the effort to take every opportunity to see his kids is his own despicable choice that he will have to live with.)

 
Married 8 years at BD, together 16.
BD March 2015
H moved out July 2015
I found out about OW March 2016 (She went to high school with H, long distance EA since September 2014, became PA November 2015)
H moved 1100 miles to live with OW June 2016
I was diagnosed with advanced breast cancer June 2017
H became a vanisher

Offline Rising PhoenixTopic starter

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Re: Anyone else have a vanisher? 16
« Reply #3 on: May 17, 2018, 08:56:20 AM »
I think your right nas,
I emailed earlier today and said

“I hope you can make 4 pm today, if not if you could let me know and I will go Sunday or is there another day and place you would prefer. “

OMG I got a reply!!
 He emailed back” I can’t do today as I have an appointment. Can we arrange something for early next week? Have waited weeks for  appt so can’t miss that. Sorry “

I replied “ yes no problem, that would be great. Let me know where and when. Thanks for letting me know”

Well I’m stunned really!
Me 50
H50
Married 20yrs
Together 29yr
BD 20/10/2014
Left first 12/12/2014
10 come backs and leaves again for same ow
Last left 7.03.17.
Ow 16 yrs younger, no children never been married. co worker. EA turned to PA and lives with ow
Divorce bomb drop by him 31/8/17 by solicitor letter after being caught by ow at lunch with me 3 wk earlier.
Crazy divorce started by him.
Currently NC instigated by him as ow has balls in a vice!

Offline Nas

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Re: Anyone else have a vanisher? 16
« Reply #4 on: May 17, 2018, 09:07:07 AM »
Wow, well I'm happy to see you got a coherent and half decent response!  I'm sorry to hear he said he can't make it, but of course you were expecting that from him already.

I'm glad you are able to communicate with him via email and keep some form of communication open.  One thing that hurts me very much is that I have no way to reach out to my H at all.  He used to reply to email or text before I got sick.  He's since changed his email and phone number.  I couldn't reach out to him even if I wanted to. 

My MIL was checking in with me every few weeks for months.  She was telling everyone who would listen how much she cares about me and how concerned she was for my health. Then I asked her about H changing his phone number and haven't heard from her since.  I sent her a very short email on the anniversary of her father's death (they were extremely close).  I just said "thinking fond thoughts of grandpa today."

I know she read the email because I have a service for my work emails that tells me when people open my emails.  She read it 3 times.  But she didn't have the decency to reply. 

I know that she's asked a mutual acquaintance how I'm doing, but she has stopped talking to me.  Clearly, once she found out that H has completely cut me off, she chose to turn her back on me as well. 
Married 8 years at BD, together 16.
BD March 2015
H moved out July 2015
I found out about OW March 2016 (She went to high school with H, long distance EA since September 2014, became PA November 2015)
H moved 1100 miles to live with OW June 2016
I was diagnosed with advanced breast cancer June 2017
H became a vanisher

Offline Rising PhoenixTopic starter

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Re: Anyone else have a vanisher? 16
« Reply #5 on: May 17, 2018, 09:21:16 AM »
It’s awful when they do that nas. My mil and fil cut me and kids off just over 3 yrs ago. My kids are rhier only grandchildren. They send b day cards and xmas cards. I got mil new phone no off sil and tedt at xmas and kids b days” thank you for cards. I got no reply.

Son said did you see what he put mom, can we arrange something not can h arrange something. I think son seeing something that not there. Xx
Me 50
H50
Married 20yrs
Together 29yr
BD 20/10/2014
Left first 12/12/2014
10 come backs and leaves again for same ow
Last left 7.03.17.
Ow 16 yrs younger, no children never been married. co worker. EA turned to PA and lives with ow
Divorce bomb drop by him 31/8/17 by solicitor letter after being caught by ow at lunch with me 3 wk earlier.
Crazy divorce started by him.
Currently NC instigated by him as ow has balls in a vice!

Offline Nas

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Re: Anyone else have a vanisher? 16
« Reply #6 on: May 17, 2018, 02:26:11 PM »
I wouldn't read too much into him saying "Can we arrange something."  He more likely meant "Can you arrange something" - as in, "Can you do all the work so I don't anything but show up."

Well MIL didn't reply to my email but she sure as hell told H about it.  Because I got a notification today that he JUST finally opened the last email I sent him.  I sent it almost 8 months ago!  It was a short note on the 20th anniversary of his father's death, just letting him know I was thinking of him and his brother on a difficult day.  No reply of course. 

Well, I know I have been true to myself.  Both H and MIL now know that the last messages I sent to each of them were simply short notes of kindness on days I knew would be tough for them.

At least now I know he does still access that email account sometimes.  I can't believe he didn't check his email for 8 months.  I go crazy if I don't check mine several times a day.
Married 8 years at BD, together 16.
BD March 2015
H moved out July 2015
I found out about OW March 2016 (She went to high school with H, long distance EA since September 2014, became PA November 2015)
H moved 1100 miles to live with OW June 2016
I was diagnosed with advanced breast cancer June 2017
H became a vanisher

Offline Rising PhoenixTopic starter

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Re: Anyone else have a vanisher? 16
« Reply #7 on: May 19, 2018, 11:18:35 AM »
I have updated my personal thread but thought i would put a post here.
Son had melt down last night and emailed his father. To be fair his father rang him within minutes and came to fetch him although down the road to talk as son had emailed he needed to see him and had things to say.
Son told h that he had done a stupid thing and should never of happened. H agreed. Apparently I am doing my best and am amazing! Apparently h cried when saying I am amazing. H said people say he has abandoned his wife and kids and his behaviour is disgusting and he looked at son and said he agrees with those people. Still not going to do anything about it though! H said did not block kids on PS4 and xbox.
I dropped d13 down park as that’s where they were, I didn’t get out of car and I left straight away. H brought them back but parked a bit up road. I went to car and asked if arranged another date but son to email. I asked if would like to speak to me at any time and he said sometime next week. I said ok and went in the house.

I am a bit stunned at the I am amazing! Xx
« Last Edit: May 19, 2018, 11:26:19 AM by Rising Phoenix »
Me 50
H50
Married 20yrs
Together 29yr
BD 20/10/2014
Left first 12/12/2014
10 come backs and leaves again for same ow
Last left 7.03.17.
Ow 16 yrs younger, no children never been married. co worker. EA turned to PA and lives with ow
Divorce bomb drop by him 31/8/17 by solicitor letter after being caught by ow at lunch with me 3 wk earlier.
Crazy divorce started by him.
Currently NC instigated by him as ow has balls in a vice!

Online nah

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Re: Anyone else have a vanisher? 16
« Reply #8 on: May 19, 2018, 02:39:16 PM »
Thank you RP for starting the new thread.
H-53
me-51
ow-30
married 1986
BD April 6 2013 day after family went out for sons birthday.
I packed his bags two days later...semi-vanisher

Offline stillbaffled

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Re: Anyone else have a vanisher? 16
« Reply #9 on: May 19, 2018, 02:43:54 PM »
Yes, thanks for getting us started.  We haven't heard much from BR lately. 
After all, tomorrow is another day.
Together 16 years - married 6
BD - 1/1/16
His divorce final 7/16
Married OW - 7/17
a consistent semi-vanisher in the same small town

 

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