[Voyager]

Hi everyone,
In my own threads I've sometimes asked the question how do you deal with the disappearing MLC'ers?
A lot of people on the board either still have their spouses at home, or have frequent contact.
This is extremely hard for them as they bear witness to the unfolding drama and it must be very stressful.

I'm not sure how many spouses there are who have either a vanisher, or a spouse who has minimal level of contact, or one who alternates between both.

My h is probably both of those, he only responds after I initiate contact, if I didn't initiate contact he does not respond.
 I have not initiated contact for three weeks now, he has not responded, apart from the strange e card he sent to my Daughter last Tuesday.
I think there are two main difficulties with this, firstly it can be hard to keep Standing when there's a black hole where your spouse used to be, and secondly on rare occasions when you do see them it feels really hard to initiate or respond to conversation. It feels like every contact is starting from scratch and every contact should "count" in some way.
Does anyone know if the Vanishers are a type that are more likely to stay vanished?
Do they break cover eventually?
Do they ever get to a point where they want to talk about their feelings?
Escape and avoidance are classic MLC behaviour, with this group it seems to be more extreme, do we know why?

Any information and advice would be helpful!!



EDIT:
Link back to contact types to register your MLC type
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=1530.0
Oldpilot

[Courageous wife]

Hi V

My H is one of those..most contact is initiated by me...very rare that I see or talk with him!  I was just discussing this with someone esle from another board whose H is the same as ours...we don't get much of an opportunity to interact with them so when something comes up...we are at a loss of what to do...I am very interested to hear what others have to say!


EDIT
Although CW does not really post here anymore she has been reconnecting/reconciling with her husband. - OldPilot

[hurt01]

I would also like to hear more about the vanisher. I have had NC at all with my H since January. I have seen him from a distance a few times, but he makes sure he STAYS at a distance. I walked up to the pharmacy one day and he was sitting at the drive thru window waiting for them to bring him his meds. As soon as he seen me walking up he just drove off. He sat out in the parking lot and waited till I left then pulled back up to the window to get his meds.

The man can,t even look at me.

[godspromises]

My W is a vanisher.  We have been separated nine months and I may have seen her 4 or 5 times with two of those occuring when she came by the house to get things. My feeling is vanishers have difficulty dealing with what they have done. My W for the most part has been very quiet, she threatens to file for D almost every time we talk, which is rare, but she gas yet to do it. She's now making an effort to reconnect with oldest son and his kids.

My son told me when he saw her in may, she dressed like a teenager, with a lot of flesh showing. When she came by the house, she was dressed conservately, like she normally dressed. I took that as a show of respect. I think vanishers still have a high level of respect and this is why they hide as much as possible. Just my two cents.

[hurt01]

Godspromises,
I have to disagree On the respect part as far as my MLC goes. He flaunts OW all over town in front of our kids and his family. But they are all diffrent but yet the same. My H has not dressed any different or changed much as far as I know. He just looks alot older and his hair has gotten grayer. But NO RESPECT!!!

And My H filed for D in January, Still dealing with that.

[godspromises]

Just another reminder why I continue to thank God that so much of what LBSs are dealing with, I have been spared. I have been amazed how he has held me up thru this. While not having as much MLC drama, I've had to deal with 8 months of job loss, loss of car and hanging on to our home. I've certainly learned what the grace of God means.

We all have had to grow in ways we never imagined. I just take one day at a time.

[Voyager]

Thanks everyone, i just wonder if there is a basic personality type that fits the vanisher, my h sent my daughter an e card which nearly a year after BD is still full of guilt and self pity. One of the other issues I've had with mine is that he just can't discuss anything at all, he still denies O/W (complicated for those who read my past thread) and can't initiate any discussion about feelings. We had one, which I think I handled ok, but since then nothing.
It's very frustratig, i know how hard it is for those who have to put up with almost daily drama, but I guess I feel on the other end of the spectrum and would like to have something to work with! In these cases is it better to try to keep contact going, even minimal, as NC doesn't make any difference? Just a thought......

[Rollercoasterider]

I review the contact types in the newsletter--that came out less than an hour ago...are you guys psychic or what? Interesting...and this thread was started before the newsletter came out...though I don't know if there is new information since the article started with Rosie's thread where I began to define the types.

The next issue reviews the Clinging Boomerang in depth. After that I had planned for the Limbo: The In-Betweens series--I referenced to Tinydancer...but this discussion could bring some insight into Off-and-Ons and Vanishers! Even most of the introductory article talks about Boomerangs.

Escape and avoidance are classic MLC behaviour, with this group it seems to be more extreme, do we know why?[/font][/size]

I don't think there is a specific type that is a Vanisher...there may be a few. But there are different reasons. For some it may be a positive attribute; they may be taking the space and though doing some MLC avoiding, they may be working through more issues than a Boomerang. I don't think that Vanisher's are more extreme in Escape and Avoidance, it is just how they manifest Escape and Avoidance and some may be less extreme.

Think of Liminality, the stage that follows Replay/Escape & Avoidance. During Liminality a person--in MLC or just a person who is going Liminal for a refresher--needs space. This space appears to be an escape and/or avoidance from the perspective of outsiders--anyone external.

Now the MLCer who is flaunting the alienator and other Replay behaviours is clearly not one of those--at least not from what we can tell. But with many Vanishers you don't get the information. They disappear and you may or may not hear about them through a grapevine. Often they simply seem angry and depressed all at once. Angry and belligerent, but perhaps only vocal about their anger if provoked...provocation could be anything from anyone...saying hello. But if left alone they may just walk around with their head down and shoulders hunched. A typical depressive would have dead and sad eyes, someone who seem both angry and depressed might have flashing eyes and a furrowed brow that reveals the anger. I don't know...those are just thoughts.

[Voyager]

Thanks RCR, I nearly fell off my chair when I saw your article!!
I think that for Standing purposes the biggest issue with the vanisher is simply the fear that it is easier perhaps for them to stay vanished. So that we will never have opportunity to rebuild, simply because the passage of time makes it harder and harder still for the MLC'er to reach out. If they don't touch and go or peek out they in turn won't be any the wiser about whether we are still there or not. So the whole process simply withers. That's my fear anyway.
I do wonder if there are any stories out there of MLC vanishers who did return, and how the LBS handled the infrequent interactions on the way.
 Is there enough knowledge out there for us to say that they do follow a pattern but not quite the same as any other types of MLC. So perhaps it's quite usual for a Vanisher to vanish for months and even years, and then suddenly pop up again at their end point. (if that makes sense!) xx

[Rollercoasterider]

I do wonder if there are any stories out there of MLC vanishers who did return, and how the LBS handled the infrequent interactions on the way.
 Is there enough knowledge out there for us to say that they do follow a pattern but not quite the same as any other types of MLC. So perhaps it's quite usual for a Vanisher to vanish for months and even years, and then suddenly pop up again at their end point.[/font][/size]

ImLin from the DB had a Vanisher (AKA Dropout) and they reconciled in 2006. I think Standers with Vanishers may give up sooner because they don't get the feedback--even though they also don't have to deal with the drama and spew also. I think they are not as active on boards and thus we may not see the results...and they are not as common. Her story is stickied at the top of DB's MLC forum, but for awhile I thought there was an older thread stickied with her story that may have had more of the story...but I could be wrong.

I think that for Standing purposes the biggest issue with the vanisher is simply the fear that it is easier perhaps for them to stay vanished. So that we will never have opportunity to rebuild, simply because the passage of time makes it harder and harder still for the MLC'er to reach out. If they don't touch and go or peek out they in turn won't be any the wiser about whether we are still there or not. So the whole process simply withers. That's my fear anyway.[/font][/size]

Thanks, your explanation of the feelings is helpful...something to add to the article...keep the ideas coming.