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Author Topic: My Story Reconnecting Replanting and Growing  (Read 8484 times)

Online Treasur

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My Story Reconnecting Re: Replanting and Growing
« Reply #160 on: January 11, 2018, 10:18:01 PM »
I agree with Savvy

And I suppose I'm wondering what your bit of the elephant is about? Is it an issue or actually the ongoing feeling of him not discussing things...or something else? Is this a boundary issue for you really?

I guess there is a difference between a question when you want someone else to fix the problem with their answer. Or a boundary statement when you are telling someone how you will fix it for yourself if something continues to feel uncomfortable for you. Or feedback that is more 'I see this...so I feel this...and I don't know what to do...do you see it the same or something different? how does that make you feel? do we both want to do something together about it?

Read a great book on communication (shockingly even persuaded my STBXH to buy and read it in July when he wanted to talk to me! Actually, reminds me to re-read it....) It's called Being Me, Loving You: A Practical Guide to Extraordinary Relationships by Marshall Rosenberg. Would heartily recommend it as a practical way of framing conversations differently.
« Last Edit: January 11, 2018, 10:24:36 PM by Treasur »
BD - Oct 15, mostly silent vanishing husband, diagnosed with severe depression in Dec 15 & seeing psychiatrist/on ADs since then
OW since Apr 16, maybe earlier?
H filed Jan 17.
80/20 strategy for me in 2018

"her soul is fierce, her heart is brave, her mind is strong." R.H Sin
Grace is...Elegance, good will, unearned blessings, a prayer of thanks and how to address a duchess.
"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline AzioniTopic starter

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Re: Replanting and Growing
« Reply #161 on: January 12, 2018, 04:08:08 AM »
Its not a boundary issue. It is his pattern of not discussing  things that upset or bother him. Pretty certain It's a FOO issue given how his parent is. It's the thing that lead to the A. He let whatever was bothering him keep adding up until it lead to a depressive episode.

Most recently, about a little more than a year ago, he was quiet and withdrew just as now. It was because he had lost his wedding ring during a cold snap while at work. Something he could have easily just communicated, but chose to keep to himself for two weeks. It took numerous attempts from me before he would let me know. We, again at that time, discussed his lack of communicating.

I just am at a loss with this. The book sounds good, but he is studying and in classes to get an improved job. So I do not think he will read it.
You don't know how strong you are until being strong is your only option!!

"Anger will never disappear as long as thoughts of resentment are cherished in the mind. Anger will disappear just as soon as thoughts if resentment are forgotten." -- Buddhist quote

Online Treasur

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Re: Replanting and Growing
« Reply #162 on: January 12, 2018, 06:46:23 AM »
I was suggesting it for you to read first, A...see what you think and if you can use it?
BD - Oct 15, mostly silent vanishing husband, diagnosed with severe depression in Dec 15 & seeing psychiatrist/on ADs since then
OW since Apr 16, maybe earlier?
H filed Jan 17.
80/20 strategy for me in 2018

"her soul is fierce, her heart is brave, her mind is strong." R.H Sin
Grace is...Elegance, good will, unearned blessings, a prayer of thanks and how to address a duchess.
"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline Savoir Faire

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Re: Replanting and Growing
« Reply #163 on: January 12, 2018, 09:06:28 PM »
Hi Azioni, it seems you've had a conversation before about his not communicating which leaves you an opening to begin a new conversation.

Maybe read the book to give yourself some information and advice and gently ease into a discussion about him not being open about feelings.  By this time, the problem will hopefully have been resolved :)

In the mean time, monkey braining about the reason for him not talking wil drive you insane.  During MLC is a time to remain quiet to the non-communication issues as we know what the reason for  ot talking is. Now that he's out of MLC there is no reason for the two of you not to have an open discussion.

If this were me, I would be inviting him to a dinner out to make sure you are setting a pleasant place to have a talk.

Try not to slip back into the fixer mode with this, if he doesn't want to talk/read the book, it's his problem and definitely not yours and I would be calling him out on this as something he promised not to do in the future.  Tough love if he is difficult, and  not excuses for him being busy or tired or anything else you can think of.
"And when they ask you about me and you find yourself thinking back on all of our memories,
I hope you ache in regret as the truth hits you like a bullet and you find yourself replying: ""She loved me more than anyone else in the entire world and I tried to destroy her."  He failed by the way. 
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8451.80 (Denjef's thread)

Offline AzioniTopic starter

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Re: Replanting and Growing
« Reply #164 on: January 13, 2018, 09:32:26 AM »
Maybe I need to read it.

I've called him out on it before and I get promises that he'll do better in the future. Then something happens that upsets him, and he goes silent. It's a maddening circle. I'm dizzy from it!!

I gave him his space this time as I know this was a difficult exam. Many do not pass it on first or even second attempt, he did on his first.  But once it was over, and he passed it, he did not change. Definitely cannot fix nor get in his head. I know that. I just need a way for him to finally get the message that he needs to communicate and not retreat.

I've communicated that his silence just kills me. Everytime he goes this path, i communicate it. Even when we did MC, it was an issue I wanted to resolve. I am just out of ideas other than printing it on a 2x4 and whacking him on the head with it (not really...just sarcasm from frustration🤣)
You don't know how strong you are until being strong is your only option!!

"Anger will never disappear as long as thoughts of resentment are cherished in the mind. Anger will disappear just as soon as thoughts if resentment are forgotten." -- Buddhist quote


 

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