Author Topic: My Story Reconnecting Bomb dropped in 2008 | Still married and together after MLC  (Read 10860 times)

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Offline The NavigatorTopic starter

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My Story Reconnecting Re: Bomb dropped in 2008 | Still married and together after MLC
« Reply #120 on: September 22, 2017, 01:24:23 AM »
Had a 2 hour conversation with my wife last night.

I held nothing back in terms of why I'm miserable.  She even opined that the pain she experienced was way more than what I experienced.

Didn't like my answer when I told her the source of my pain - her lies, deceit, betrayal etc.  I told her I had no idea why we're still together.

She's making noises about eventually moving back to Australia but I am perfectly fine being here in Germany.  I've got all my ducks lined up in a row here and nothing to go back to.  I'd be leaving behind my work, business network and return to a country where an average house costs 11 times the average income.  It was her idea to come here in the first place.  I honestly would feel like a jackass, complying with her every random whim, if I said "OK, let's move back".
Bomb & Separation: 28th January 2008
Moved in with OM for 5 months
EA/PA persisted from 2008 to 2010
Kids: DS (7), DD (6) confirmed mine with paternity tests
Another DS born April 2017
MLC lasted 6-7 years

Offline Songanddance

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Re: Bomb dropped in 2008 | Still married and together after MLC
« Reply #121 on: September 22, 2017, 06:58:39 AM »
Quote
She even opined that the pain she experienced was way more than what I experienced.

Didn't like my answer when I told her the source of my pain - her lies, deceit, betrayal etc.  I told her I had no idea why we're still together.

She's making noises about eventually moving back to Australia

Pure and simple evidence of elements of escape and avoid (which I really think is also part of reconnection) by her I'm sad to say Navigator.
I see this in my H and I know that I am in the early stages of reconnection too...

She cannot acknowledge that you were hurting - it's still  all about her. Y
ep my H does that although he is much more physically supportive when I got upset recently and listened to me although it was not an R talk.

She cannot acknowledge any responsibility or accountability of what she has done.
I had a very lengthy conversation with H some months ago in which he couldn't understand why I was angry with him.

She still wishes and seeks for a better life elsewhere rather than looking to what she has got. 
H is still talking about getting his own place and doesn't understand why I don't want to move 100 miles away from our grand-daughter and why I would rather live on my own if he moves.

It's a long haul Navigator - and as long as you preserve your integrity and dignity - nothing can get in the way.

Offline The NavigatorTopic starter

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Re: Bomb dropped in 2008 | Still married and together after MLC
« Reply #122 on: November 09, 2017, 01:08:06 PM »
Nothing new at this end.

Just very busy raising three children, including a baby boy who won't stop smiling.

Hang in there folks, if you've chosen to hang in there.

Best,

The Navigator
Bomb & Separation: 28th January 2008
Moved in with OM for 5 months
EA/PA persisted from 2008 to 2010
Kids: DS (7), DD (6) confirmed mine with paternity tests
Another DS born April 2017
MLC lasted 6-7 years

Offline Whyus

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Re: Bomb dropped in 2008 | Still married and together after MLC
« Reply #123 on: November 09, 2017, 11:25:15 PM »
Nice to see an update Nav, especially as you seem much more balanced and content than you were in September. Good for you mate, you got this!!
Married - 19,5 Years pre BD
Together - 21,5 Years
Me: 44
W: 44
BD 1: 10.01.2017
BD 2: 24.02.2017 OM 28. Trainings partner. Still together
2 Sons - 18 & 19
2 Dogs and a cat.
Own home . Sold!
Divorce Filed
T1  http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8671.0
T10. http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9547.0

Offline The NavigatorTopic starter

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Re: Bomb dropped in 2008 | Still married and together after MLC
« Reply #124 on: January 18, 2018, 12:30:31 PM »
Good evening board,

There is much to update but, to make a long story short, all five of us went back to Australia for two months and spent Christmas there.

We were forced to deal with all of the stuff in the attic because the landlord of the place where we once lived and my father-in-law still lives had had it with our stuff being up there.

My wife and I had two very confronting conversations where we dealt with the subject of her photos, DVDs, albums etc featuring OM.  I had told her in no uncertain terms that she had to choose them or remaining married to me.  There was obviously no way that we would be bringing them back here with us and I'd rather be sawing my nuts off than paying for a place to store them.

Anyway, my wife threw them all out.  She told me initially she was going to "go through" them to "see if any pictures of ours had been mixed up in there" and when she got to the green plastic bag they were in, took one glance inside and didn't bother going through them.  Instead she tied the bag up, threw it in the rubbish and the garbos came and collected it at 6am the following morning.

She said to me one afternoon "Navigator, I really value your loyalty.  There are so many men out there with no character, so many fools and wimps but you have character.

I finally feel like rage and resentment has left my body and that I can finally move on.  I'm different with my children and my wife.

It is time to press ahead with the rest of our time on this Earth.

And another thing - some of you may remember the near estrangement I experienced from my Dad as a result of his choices on the day our baby was born last year.  You'll never guess what he's done now.... he is coming here again in March for month to hang out with buddies, relax etc.  And when is he leaving?  The day before my Mum's birthday!!  When I asked him about that he said "well I had to lock in a good price for the ferry.....".  I said no more at that point but on the end of my phone I was rolling my eyes.  My first thought was that Mum is Priority #37 on his very long and important list.

My wife's reaction was much the same.  She said "I now look at you with compassion, Navigator, because I now see how you learnt to be a rubbish husband when we first got together, and you couldn't help it".  But I'm not mad at him, he just is who he is and that's that.  Life's too short to be bitter and I want to enjoy as much time with him as possible while I still can.

Will post more soon.  Be well everybody.

The Navigator
Bomb & Separation: 28th January 2008
Moved in with OM for 5 months
EA/PA persisted from 2008 to 2010
Kids: DS (7), DD (6) confirmed mine with paternity tests
Another DS born April 2017
MLC lasted 6-7 years

Online MCSINME

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Re: Bomb dropped in 2008 | Still married and together after MLC
« Reply #125 on: January 19, 2018, 05:13:44 PM »
Nav:
I am new to your post, but thank you for catching us up!
Your story is amazing, and the courage and strength you had gives us all inspiration.
I truly don't know if I can hang on for 6 years initially, as you did, then another 4 for reattachment and strengthening,  Wow!
TRULY AN INSPIRATION.

MCS
M56
H57 - Live-in MLC
Met 1984
Married 1990
MLC Began after major move 12/2016
BD#1 EA 5/17 Found by accident, denial, lying
BD#2 EA/PA 11/17 Found by accident, still Denial and lying.  Currently at least one ow (39)

S16, S19, S22

"but those who have hope in the LORD will renew their strength.  They will soar on wings like eagles, they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint"  Isiah 40:31

Offline The NavigatorTopic starter

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Re: Bomb dropped in 2008 | Still married and together after MLC
« Reply #126 on: February 14, 2018, 02:35:36 AM »
Hi MCSINME,

Thanks for posting.

I've no idea how I held on that long other than there's in indestructible part to my character.

It's not necessarily a good thing to have that quality.  I would never advise anyone to Stand as I did.  In some ways I envy people who were able to flush their spouses after the antics started.

If I've inspired you to learn more about marriage and relationships in general then I'm grateful for that.

Best,

The Navigator
Bomb & Separation: 28th January 2008
Moved in with OM for 5 months
EA/PA persisted from 2008 to 2010
Kids: DS (7), DD (6) confirmed mine with paternity tests
Another DS born April 2017
MLC lasted 6-7 years

Online Thunder

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Re: Bomb dropped in 2008 | Still married and together after MLC
« Reply #127 on: February 14, 2018, 04:37:52 AM »
Navigator,

Do any of us set out to stand for years and years?  I think it just happens to some of us.  It's such an individual thing.

I'm sure glad I didn't flush right away.   :)

You guys sound like you're doing really good.  I hear lots of love and happiness in your words.
Thanks for the update. 
With her permission, a quote from a recovered MLCer: 
From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did.

Offline The NavigatorTopic starter

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Re: Bomb dropped in 2008 | Still married and together after MLC
« Reply #128 on: February 16, 2018, 04:32:10 AM »
Hi Thunder,

Thanks for replying. 

I am glad I stood too, although there is a part of me (my ego) that hates myself for it.  The personal pride thing, the feeling of having been used, violated, taken for a fool yet sticking around anyway.  I definitely wouldn't have had the ability had it not been for the kids. 

That's another part of the problem.  I'd be horrified if the kids had to deal with a situation like mine as adults at all, but if they stood around and took it? My word....

Bomb & Separation: 28th January 2008
Moved in with OM for 5 months
EA/PA persisted from 2008 to 2010
Kids: DS (7), DD (6) confirmed mine with paternity tests
Another DS born April 2017
MLC lasted 6-7 years


 

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