Author Topic: My Story Take my time or admit defeat  (Read 1681 times)

Online Kitkat23Topic starter

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My Story Re: Take my time or admit defeat
« Reply #50 on: March 14, 2018, 05:44:18 AM »
To me it's very simple but i'm obviously missing something. If you want a divorce badly enough to actually have a tantrum over not getting one then you don't drag your feet once your w agrees to one. sorry rant over but I just needed to put that out there.

So my D had a show the other week and I booked the tickets, me, H and my parents as we didn't have to sit in allocated seats which meant h could sit anywhere and no need for an uncomfortable situation. Personally if i was the one who had decided to throw a massive bomb at my perfectly happy marriage for no real reason I wouldn't want to sit with or spend time with my in laws. However i'm not in the middle of a MLC so what do I know. We all arrive for the show and much to my surprise he not only came in with us but came to sit quite close to us, about a row or 2 back as most seats had gone (luckily my parents are quite nice. not understanding but nice). Anyway I was i'll before the show but was desperate to see my D do her ballet and she was on early so I wasn't missing seeing her for anything. I decided before going in that I would watch her then go home to bed as H had agreed with some arm twisting to collect her for me. So in the interval I left my H and my parents to it and watched as he talked away to them like nothing was wrong. My mum being who she is couldn't resist asking him questions but as I wasn't about there was nothing I could do but apparently he happily answered most of them. So to then discover that after I left they invited him to sit with them and he agreed was an interesting occurrence. After the show I was supposed to take D for a special tea but as I was to ill i had to get a very reluctant H to do it instead but he did and he invited my parents to join them (glimpse of old H) . Not only am I surprised by his nerve but as he point blank refuses to eat a meal with me, ever, I was completely surprised that he felt comfortable enough to eat with his MIL and FIL. Clearly H hasn't reach a point where he's realising the damage he's done or he's doing the whole denial thing really well. His nerve really has amazed me.


Offline Schratz66

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Re: Take my time or admit defeat
« Reply #51 on: March 14, 2018, 07:54:32 AM »
Wow - I it nerve, denial or ignorance that these MLC drink daily?
He has to know that your parents are clued in to what has happened ? And yet he will pretend that everything is as always and he is just a SIL chatting up the in-laws?
Wow - I couldn't do it.

Amazing Grace on your part and good for you for leaving after your D's part in the show.
Me 50
H 49
AD 20 from previous R
Known H since 1993
Together since 2000
BD 06/21/2017
OW High School Sweetheart lives 4 hrs away

Offline Phoenix

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Re: Take my time or admit defeat
« Reply #52 on: March 14, 2018, 08:00:42 AM »
First, I hope you are on the mend. And yes, they have nerve--or rather a sense of entitlement. My observation has been that the MLCer is so convinced they are justified in their actions, they genuinely believe others agree with them at a level. Most people are unwilling to come right out and tell them what they actually think, so they stay in their comfortable bubble. Since my H was cheating with one of my closest friends, they felt everyone in our friendship group would just accept it because we had all been friends and, for the most part, they were right. People were awkward and didn't know what to do but when they just kept acting "normal and attending all the events as usual, they were ultimately accepted and D and I had to start over rebuilding our support system. The lack of self-awareness and empathy is rather stunning. In this particular instance, I understand your H wanting to see his daughter, and be cordial to your parents, but at minimum one would think they would acknowledge what is happening in an appropriate manner. Ultimately, they want the best of both worlds. Leave what they want to leave and keep the rest and not have anyone draw attention to their behavior or the fallout.

Focus on your health. On the positive, it was peaceful and comfortable for your D.
Hugs,
Phoenix
Married 24 years
Together 30
D (young adult now)
BD 2010
He is a vanisher
Divorced 2016

Online Kitkat23Topic starter

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Re: Take my time or admit defeat
« Reply #53 on: March 14, 2018, 12:48:30 PM »
He is very aware Schratz66 that they are clued in. You wouldn’t have thought it though as people we knew were there and asked me as I was leaving if things were sorted with us. He’s does a very good job at times of acting like nothing has ever happened.

Hi Phoenix, yes I’m doing much better thank you. I didn’t go to see a doctor in the end as I managed to gain some strength from somewhere. Really don’t know where but I have. 

Very interesting insight regarding how they believe people agree with them. My H must be very much in the fog when it comes to hearing others opinions though as my mum I particularly has made it very clear to him how his actions hav effected the entire family and not just his w and D. He apparently just insists to her that he’s happy now. Might be believable if he 1) hadn’t told me the complete opposite just a week earlier and 2) if he didn’t look unusually scruffy and wasn’t so tired all the time. Clearly in denial.

I’m also trying to stop worrying about the end result, Divorce. It’s clearly going to happen as although he’s shown some signs of progress I think he’s probably still in Reply. Therefore I’m trying to accept the inevitable and start to focus on all the positive things that are to come once the D is over. Although it’s still a very scary thought and I feel lonely at times I’m also excited about future plans.

Online Kitkat23Topic starter

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Re: Take my time or admit defeat
« Reply #54 on: March 18, 2018, 05:05:36 AM »
So I'm starting to get that scared feeling again as on Tuesday the court will decide H can have his D and we all know it's highly unlikely they will refuse his request. So that means in 6 weeks time H can file the decree absolute and our M is over. I'm starting to get more stressed over the fact that on Tuesday it will also be 5 weeks since my solicitor requested that we delay finalising the D until all finical aspects had been resolved and H still hasn't given an answer. So if he can't make a decision about that how is he going to drag out submitting the final papers? I am questioning if he's actually in Limbo. Monster hasn't been seen since christmas and he's obviously struggling to make decisions , he's being polite and on occasions has shown evidence of reconnection but also touch and go. He doesn't appear to be getting worse in fact bad behaviour seems to be calming down but his emotions do still cycle. It feels at times like he's not really progressing but then yesterday he really made an effort with D. rather than his usual passive behaviour of staring at his phone he actually did activity's with her and spent time reading to her at bedtime rather than rushing through her story to get home.

I'm just at the stage now where I don't know if there is any hope left for our M.

Online sampsed

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Re: Take my time or admit defeat
« Reply #55 on: March 18, 2018, 05:14:39 AM »
KitKat,

Please don't give up hope right now.  Even with the pending D  My IC gave me many examples of people who got back together after a D.

I even read on the forum where the D just eliminates a pressure and things start to progress after that.  There is still a 50/50 chance you can come out of this married or remarried to you H.

I am forever the optimist and I don't agree with quitting until it is clearly the best decision for you.

Here is a positive spin = If D goes through and you remarry, then you have 2 wedding anniversaries a year - meaning 2 days of special gifts! 

Please keep your chin up and roll with the punches.   
https://affaircare.com/the-180/

No matter what....find a positive...no matter how small it is there is always a positive.

BD 10 29 2017  Moved out same day to be with OW (EA become PA approx. 2 mos prior)
BY 1966
H BY 1966
Married 32.5 years
Together 35 years
D - 1989 Married with 2 children, living locally
S -  1991 Professional School living across Country  - Still relies on us for support
3 Dogs - 1 was his baby that he left behind
Standing
No legal action yet
3/5/18 OW moved to another State  H moved in with F  
3/19/18  H moved home and is living in spare room  Reason:  Wasn't happy living with F and had an urge to want to be Home.  OW moved out of State.  They are still communicating.

Online Kitkat23Topic starter

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Re: Take my time or admit defeat
« Reply #56 on: March 18, 2018, 05:36:47 AM »
Sam, that’s an amazing spin on things, I never even thought of that. Thank you fir your encouragement I really appreciate it. I don’t want to give up as before MLC he was such an amazing person and we had a really great marriage. But sometimes things feel completely hopeless and the thought of a D is just horrendous. Like many people on here I never thought we would get a D. Thank you Sam .

Online Kitkat23Topic starter

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Re: Take my time or admit defeat
« Reply #57 on: March 20, 2018, 12:20:16 PM »
Today our D was granted so in 6 weeks time H can file the final papers and end our M. Not the best feeling but I'm more concerned with the fact we are not even close to sorting out finances and H won't give my solicitor an answer as to if we can delay finalising the D until all finances are sorted. He's had 5 weeks so far and she's chasing him again this week but I'm starting to become quite nervous especially as my solicitor seems to think he's not be quite truthful about his own finances. He claims that he's paying for the D out of his settlement but my S thinks that's highly unlikely as they would struggle to get the money if he changed his mind about a D. No money for his part of the D has gone out of the account so he obviously has some other funds elsewhere. I wish this nightmare would just end but I don't believe that is going to happen anytime soon. On the upside I have netball tonight so something good at least.

Offline FaithWalker

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Re: Take my time or admit defeat
« Reply #58 on: March 20, 2018, 05:05:39 PM »
I'm sorry KK, that's rough.  I hope that you can get the financials figured out.  It's crazy to me that it can be done separately from the D.

Well, he will find out that the D is not the solution that he was looking for, when it doesn't magically solve all the things he was thinking it would.
M-39
H-42
S-17
D-15
S-12
Friends for 7 years before dating
Married for 14 years
BD 12/14/15 - 2 weeks after 14th anniversary
Divorce final 4/13/16
EA - 9/15-4/16
New GF 12/16
Engaged to her 6/17 (I found out 8/10/17)
Moved to her State 4 States away - 7/13/17
Engagement off 8/20/17
Moved back to our State 8/24/17
Joined POF within the first month back


Link to my journey: 
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9907.0#new

"Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass... it's about learning to dance in the rain."

"Never become a container for bitterness.  Bitterness is a toxin that destroys what it's carried in."

"Sometimes -- some things have to break all apart so better things can be built."

Online Kitkat23Topic starter

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Re: Take my time or admit defeat
« Reply #59 on: March 20, 2018, 11:37:25 PM »
Thank you Faith. I hope he realises one day but we are clearly some way off that happening.  :(

 

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