Author Topic: My Story Reconnecting Dear Future...I Think I am Ready Now.  (Read 847 times)

Offline 31andcounting

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My Story Reconnecting Re: Dear Future...I Think I am Ready Now.
« Reply #10 on: January 12, 2018, 05:21:13 AM »
I am very happy you like and feel safe with this counselor barbie!
« Last Edit: January 13, 2018, 12:38:35 AM by OldPilot »
Hurting people hurt people :(

Offline FamilyIsMyGoal

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Re: Dear Future...I Think I am Ready Now.
« Reply #11 on: January 12, 2018, 06:23:46 AM »
Thank you Barbie!  So, just to be clear, that first paragraph was about BD in 2013?  But you are now going through the Gottman Institute?  I totally get the PTSD, as we have discussed.  You are my hero! 
Divorce Bomb August 6, 2017
Married 19 years
Together 22 years
Physically separated - he's 15 miles away
Two Teenage boys
Me: 54
H 58
OW? I don't know - probably plural

Offline xyzcf

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Re: Dear Future...I Think I am Ready Now.
« Reply #12 on: January 12, 2018, 06:27:48 AM »
I thought about 15 hours a week when I read this. That's just about 2 hours a day. It was so easy before. If I had that type of "homework" (and a willing husband) I think it would mean paying closer attention to our time together.

I am thinking, even when we would go outside and do yard work together, we might not be talking but there was this peace between us.

It has been said that after MLC, a marriage can be even better than it was before and I think that is true.

I am amazed that you are receiving help from the Gottman Institute for they are world renown for their work.

One of the many things I used to think, was that we could have gone anywhere in the world, we could afford to see the absolute best therapists available to save our marriage, but he had no interest to do so.

Barbie, I know how difficult this is for you. Thank you for sharing with us with such openness. Many people who have reconnected are not able to continue posting, and I understand that. For those that do, it is incredibly helpful to me to hear your stories.
"Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see" Hebrews 11:1

"You enrich my life and are a source of joy and consolation to me. But if I lose you, I will not, I must not spend the rest of my life in unhappiness."

" The truth does not change according to our ability to stomach it". Flannery O'Connor
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Offline Clara 12

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Re: Dear Future...I Think I am Ready Now.
« Reply #13 on: January 12, 2018, 09:32:21 AM »
I feel your pain when reading your story and wanted to say it really is a gift to all members to be allowed to follow your journey in such detail.

Married - 1995
BD1 - March 2016 - ILYBINILWY
BD2 - Jan 2017 - Left
BD3 - May 2017 - OW discovered

Offline Mae

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Re: Dear Future...I Think I am Ready Now.
« Reply #14 on: January 12, 2018, 10:16:10 AM »
Barbie you've already gotten to page two on your new thread.

You are incredibly brave and honest and open in your posts.....much more then me.

I love your thread title too, brilliant I want to steal it but I'm committed to sticking with "The Sun Pts 1, 2, 3....." (might put a nod to your title in brackets though....that ok?)

I've never read a description of your first MC session was really sad and I can understand why there is a lot of residual shock and trauma.

I hope you are both able to get a lot out of this study and the counselling sessions.
Me: 49
H: 40
S18, D15
Together for 19 years
BDay in 2004, 2011 and now March 5 2017
Ran away on 5 March BD
Returned home 'underdone' 1 July 2017.
Left again 22 October 2017.
H - Medicated & Zombie Like is NC


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Re: Dear Future...I Think I am Ready Now.
« Reply #15 on: January 12, 2018, 02:48:44 PM »
I am sorry that there is such a bad trigger from your first MC episode.
My MLC H and I started with Gottman Theory in our original sessions when MLC started.
It was a failure, FOR US, because he was not in it - did not do his homework, did not turn toward me, did not want to spend time with me and all we did was argue during the sessions.  BAD!  Still going to the same MC, but she's given up on Gottman, and is trying to get information about his EA/PA and commitment to him to cease.  It's been a few weeks because of holidays and FIL illnesses, so I'm really excited but really scared to hear what I don't want to hear or to hear more lies.

I digress, however, because now your H has turned toward you, cares about you and you'll be growing together in your "new and improved" marriage.  BTW:  There is a free app for Gottman "cards" you can get and they have open-ended questions to ask and things to do together, depending on your love language...

I can't wait to hear how great the counseling goes.
H57 - Live-in MLC
Met 1984
Married 1990
MLC Began after major move 12/2016
BD#1 EA 5/17 Found by accident, denial, lying
BD#2 EA/PA 11/17 Found by accident, still Denial and lying.  Currently at least one ow (39)

S16, S19, S22

"but those who have hope in the LORD will renew their strength.  They will soar on wings like eagles, they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint"  Isiah 40:31

Offline Anjae

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Re: Dear Future...I Think I am Ready Now.
« Reply #16 on: January 12, 2018, 04:34:49 PM »
Welcome to your new thread, Barbie.

Looking forward to read more about how the new MC is going for you and your husband.
Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together. (Marilyn Monroe)

Offline OldPilot

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Re: Dear Future...I Think I am Ready Now.
« Reply #17 on: January 13, 2018, 12:37:27 AM »
She wanted a commitment of 15 hours per week in communication or together without anger, contempt or argument .. this is the minimum studies shows to create and maintain intimacy . 
Sounds like what they advocate on marriage builders.

Offline Mitzpah

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Re: Dear Future...I Think I am Ready Now.
« Reply #18 on: January 13, 2018, 08:49:01 AM »

Really enjoying what you are able to tell us. Thank you for being so brave to put all that pain out there.

I think you have a great counsellor, she is absolutely right, you are two incredibly brave people!

Following along and cheering for you!!

It was so easy in my marriage to have 15 hours weekly together, the way she  recommends... Some of it was spent sailing, part working on the house or cooking together, part driving places where we would talk and talk... I miss that.

We still talk lots when he comes over but there is the easy intimacy factor missing :'(
M 56
H 56
S 25
S 24
D 22
BD 13 Dec 2010
Divorced 27 Feb 2015 (30 years marriage)

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future" Jeremiah 29:11

Online Mortesbride

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Re: Dear Future...I Think I am Ready Now.
« Reply #19 on: January 13, 2018, 09:18:54 AM »
15 hours would have been easy for us back in the day.

But I'd say for the last year or two...we may have gotten that much time...but it was spent watching tv, going to cinema not very intimate I suppose. Half the time I tried to do other things, he would have his head in the phone.

Anyway it is a good thing to remember, for when/if the time comes. To make sure you are spending QUALITY time together, vs QUANTITY.


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