Author Topic: My Story Introducing Me  (Read 1814 times)

Offline NewNormalTopic starter

  • Jr. Member
  • **
  • Posts: 65
  • Gender: Female
My Story Introducing Me
« on: February 14, 2018, 07:08:02 PM »
Hi Everyone,

I am 47 yrs old and believe my H has been in mlc for 3 yrs; this is my first time publicly telling our story. We have been married for 19 yrs and have 3 teenagers S18, S16, D14. My husband (46) has always been athletic and temporarily injured his back 3 yrs ago. He was in a lot of pain and could barely walk for about a month. I think this is what triggered the mlc.

Before the BD in May 2016 we were really good together, or so I thought. It seemed like we were always happy & laughing and spent a lot of time together as a family and as a couple. He always made me laugh; it's what I miss the most. Anyway, after the BD the man I loved suddenly turned cold, sad, negative and angry.

H was already in replay when I realized he was different. During replay he told me every chance he could I was a horrible, selfish person and he had been unhappy for years. He was tired of taking care of and thinking about the kids & me. It was time he put himself first and did not think I could ever make him happy. Actually, every bad thing that had ever happened to him was my fault. He basically despised me. We had always been pretty social and often partied as a couple but he took it to another level, became reckless and began acting like a teenager. He was always gone drinking with friends and dared me to say a word. It was his life and he would do whatever he wanted. In the beginning of this phase we argued a lot and I cried and begged him to stop. The more I cried the worse he treated me. Who was this guy? He did not make me laugh anymore.

This type of behavior continued until the end of July 31 2017. My mom, H, D14 and I were meeting a group of friends at a restaurant. My D and other kids were singing. The show took a few hrs. The whole group was having cocktails, talking and enjoying the show. My H decides to leave and left my mom, D and myself without saying a word. He took an Uber home. Before this night I had always "covered up" his bad behavior, now people saw it. When I walked in the house after the show... the monster was waiting, he was furious that I was ignoring him. Saying again, he was not happy with me and he was thinking about leaving. I'm not sure if it was the wine or the fact that his behavior was finally out in the open......but something came over me and I said "you need to leave". He packed his bags, told the kids he had not been happy in a long time and didn't know when he would be back and left. I drank more wine.  ???

They next day the kids and I tried to be normal...my head hurt.  Actually, surprising myself at how okay I was. I had started praying more and God was giving me strength. MY H called that afternoon and said he wanted to come home (SHOCKER). He had cried all night in a hotel and didn't want to walk out on his family like that. I told him we could not continue to live this way. He said he loved me and didn't want to lose me. He did come home but something in me had changed. I had learned to detach. 

After he came home things were better for awhile. He started helping out around the house...spending time with the kids... and being nice. The biggest change...h was making eye contact again and showing some affection. He even went to visit my parents (his idea). This behavior lasted about 6 weeks and was great.... but I knew then the mlc would eventually pull him back...it did.

First, the teenage behavior started again and a lot off bad language. Ugh, all the bad language in front of the kids makes me mad. Except now, he seemed depressed and wanted to be alone. This is mainly the behavior I am still seeing. The only time I see the monster is when I pressure him. Also, when I push he says he will leave. He mainly just wants to be alone but gets upset if he does not know where I am. H travels a lot for work and calls often to make sure we are ok.  H says he loves me but shows no affection and just wants to be alone. He is so sad and down on himself all the time. I try hard to be understanding & kind...but giving him space. I have never found evidence of an affair and he swears there has never been anyone else.

One last thing, his mother and older sister are extremely controlling. They both have very toxic personality traits. I'm a pretty easy going person and always let them call all the shots until 5 yrs ago. I started standing up for myself and this put a wedge in my relationship with them. H has never stood up to either of them. Last weekend H took our kids to see his sister and her kids for the weekend.. 7 hrs away. He did not want me to go.


I'm sorry this is so long. I am enjoying reading all your post and look forward to hearing your thoughts on my situation. Thanks for taking the time to read my story. It actually feels good to get it all out.



Offline toomanytearss

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 3591
  • Gender: Female
Re: Introducing Me
« Reply #1 on: February 14, 2018, 08:34:06 PM »
Welcome NewNormal. I am sorry you have found yourself here but it’s a fantastic group of people who are intelligent and understanding and who are or have experienced what you are going through.

You will find a wealth of guidance and information here.

Reading others threads you will see many similarities. Share your thoughts and ask questions. You will find many replies to your posts. You are not alone in this even though much of the time it certainly feels that way when going through this.

Having a live in spouse in mlc is the hardest I think. Mine left but I did get a few short returns and they were pretty bad so I count myself as fortunate mine left. Of course I didn’t think that at the time it happened but looking back it was certainly better for me.

There will be others welcoming you soon also.

Nice to meet you.
tmt
BD Feb 2014
DONE

Offline OldPilot

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 12247
  • Gender: Male
Re: Introducing Me
« Reply #2 on: February 14, 2018, 09:18:32 PM »
Welcome to the Board

You are in a good place.
Your H/W  is on his/her own journey.
You can not do anything to control this trip.
Come here and read or vent, we will listen.
Give your H/W space  he/she needs to heal himself/herself.

I would not ask him/her anything unless you can have no expectations.
Sometimes asking them questions will be thought of as pressure.
You do not want to do anything that can be thought of by your H/W as controlling or pressure.

Your need to start working on you.
There is nothing that you can do to help your H/W.

He/She has given you a gift.
It is time!!

Use the time wisely to make yourself a better person.
Look in the mirror to see what it is that you can improve.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
GAL.

Read some books on depression. Both for yourself! And for H/W.
Believe none of what he/she says and 50% of what he/she does.

Read the resources from this site.
The links that are in my signature.

Detach. - The single most important thing you can do

The detach link and HB's 6 stages of MLC(rewritten from Jim Conway) located in the resources above.
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=4.msg380#msg380

Developing Detachment
http://jamesjmessina.com/toolsforcontrolissues/developdetachment.html

http://www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com/self-focus_releasers_detach.html

http://www.livestrong.com/article/14712-developing-detachment/

Keep posting and asking questions and we will try to answer them.

Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon

Added a link for the stages of MLC

Offline moc

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 707
  • Gender: Male
Re: Introducing Me
« Reply #3 on: February 14, 2018, 10:42:28 PM »
NewNorm: welcome to HS, you will find many wonderful resources here and lots of friends going through the same thing you are as an LBS.  So far you are doing quite well and I know this has been going on for sometime so sounds like your detachment is at a good level.  Take care of yourself.  Eat healthy, drink plenty of water, exercise if you can.  This will keep your head clear as much as possible.  Keep journalling as it seems to help most of us. 

There is a great group of so many resourceful LBS on here.

Peace be with you!
M: 47
W: 45
S15 & S11 [from MLCer1]
BD#1: 9/2017
BD#2: 11/2017
no D filed, not seeking action at this time
Separated: 12/2017
OM: EAs up to at least 5 now.  Not sure on PAs.

Offline OffRoad

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 2560
  • Gender: Female
Re: Introducing Me
« Reply #4 on: February 14, 2018, 10:48:43 PM »
Welcome. I am sorry you find yourself in this situation, but glad you found us. It definitely sounds like an MLC to me.

Good for you that you have already learned to detach and you sound like you understand that none of this is about you or your D.

Mine stayed at home for 18 months, moved a half hour away for a year, and disappeared to another state back in September. They do some strange things, including the teenage behavior (getting drunk and puking all over, extra cursing because that real important, and proving they can do whatever they want).

Keep posting. It really does help.

When life gives you lemons, make SALSA!

Offline NewNormalTopic starter

  • Jr. Member
  • **
  • Posts: 65
  • Gender: Female
Re: Introducing Me
« Reply #5 on: February 15, 2018, 07:05:17 AM »
Thank you so much for your comments. It already helps discussing the mlc with people who understand how this  feels.

Tearss- It's nice to meet you too. It is hard with a live in mlc. There is a lot of walking on eggshells. H does travel all over the U.S. for work. He is gone a lot more than home so the does help.

OP- Thank you for the great advice. I am looking forward to reading the links. I had found HB's website and have read everything I can find from her. I can not even put into words how much her knowledge was helped me.

MOC- You are so right. Journalling is something I have never done. I do feel like it is going to help so much. Especially, getting advice from those who understand this crazy mlc world. My friends think I'm crazy to still be with him.

OR- I'm so glad I found you all. It is so frustrating to watch a grown man acting like a rebellious teenager. I'm raising 3 teenagers & he can be a terrible influence on them.

One of the strangest things to me is how H eyes look empty. It's like he is not in his body. He has been showing more attention to our kids in the last few weeks. H has been less critical and seems to be interested in how they are doing. He text my D14 a lot when he is out of town. I would appreciate any feedback about where you think he may be in this mlc. He does bounce back & forth between stages.

Thank you again for your support. Can't tell you how much it means. I'll be reading your threads also.  :)
« Last Edit: February 15, 2018, 07:07:47 AM by NewNormal »

Online Treasur

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 3139
  • Gender: Female
Re: Introducing Me
« Reply #6 on: February 15, 2018, 07:53:09 AM »
I'm truly sorry you're here, but we'll walk with you the best we can.

The 'dead eyes' thing is all too familiar to most of us, I'm afraid.
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD)
No kids.
BD Oct 15. OW since Apr 16?
H filed Jan 17. Divorced April 18

Grateful for any appearance of the tiny karma bus  
"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline OldPilot

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 12247
  • Gender: Male
Re: Introducing Me
« Reply #7 on: February 15, 2018, 08:00:44 AM »
OP- Thank you for the great advice. I am looking forward to reading the links. I had found HB's website and have read everything I can find from her. I can not even put into words how much her knowledge was helped me.

I added a link for the stages
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=4.msg380#msg380

to help you out

Offline NewNormalTopic starter

  • Jr. Member
  • **
  • Posts: 65
  • Gender: Female
Re: Introducing Me
« Reply #8 on: February 15, 2018, 09:57:06 AM »
Thank you Treasur, It's great to have others that have seen it too. I haven't heard many people talk about the strange emptiness in their eyes.

OP- THANK YOU for the thread. I do believe my H is in the Withdrawal Stage. Is HB still around? She truly has been my saving grace and I've never been able to thank her.

Another thing I have come to realize about myself since becoming a LBS; my H & I were both codependent on each other. I had completely lost my identity and who I was. My life completely revolved around H and the kids. It still does revolve around the kids but I'm trying to figure out who I am now. I do still love him & pray we can end this "crazy" journey together but realize I still have a lot of work to do on myself. God has been so good to me and continues to guide me. The BEST part of all of this; my relationship with God has become so strong.

I have a question... my H calls almost daily when he is out of town on biz. Like I said, he travels all over the US and is gone most of the time. He gets upset that I do not call him first. It's contradictory b/c he also says he needs space. What should I to do? Honestly, to me our conversations are short and kind of awkward.

Thank you again for your support.
« Last Edit: February 15, 2018, 10:15:14 AM by NewNormal »

Offline OldPilot

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 12247
  • Gender: Male
Re: Introducing Me
« Reply #9 on: February 15, 2018, 10:21:40 AM »
OP- THANK YOU for the thread. I do believe my H is in the Withdrawal Stage.
 Is HB still around?
She truly has been my saving grace and I've never been able to thank her.
No HB does not post here anymore.
I will only say this about the withdrawal stage.

That means the other person is gone and they are starting the returning process.
Depending on what type of MLC'er you have the above could be true.

Although I will caution you against trying to stage watch as you will usually be wrong.

I saw all the stages in my first year of this.
And now 9 years later my ex is still deep in crisis.

Best not to watch - because a watched pot never boils.

 

SMF spam blocked by CleanTalk
Legal Disclaimer
The information contained within The Hero's Spouse website family (www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com, http://theherosspouse.com and associated subdomains), (collectively 'website') is provided as general information and is not intended to be a substitute for professional legal, medical or mental health advice or treatment for specific medical conditions. The Hero's Spouse cannot be held responsible for the use of the information provided. The Hero's Spouse recommends that you consult a trained medical or mental health professional before making any decision regarding treatment of yourself or others. The Hero's Spouse recommends that you consult a legal professional for specific legal advice.

Any information, stories, examples, articles, or testimonials on this website do not constitute a guarantee, or prediction regarding the outcome of an individual situation. Reading and/or posting at this website does not constitute a professional relationship between you and the website author, volunteer moderators or mentors or other community members. The moderators and mentors are peer-volunteers, and not functioning in a professional capacity and are therefore offering support and advice based solely upon their own experience and not upon legal, medical, or mental health training.