Author Topic: My Story The Heart Of The Matter  (Read 1989 times)

Offline FearNot

  • Subscriber, 6 Month
  • Sr. Member
  • *
  • Posts: 299
  • Gender: Female
My Story Re: The Heart Of The Matter
« Reply #40 on: March 19, 2018, 07:51:23 PM »
FW,

 I am so sorry that you had this experience. I can't even imagine how that must've felt.  The shame and guilt that we pile on ourselves is immeasurable sometimes. I don't have any great words of wisdom, but please know that you will be in prayers, asking God to help you heal from this experience, give you strength, peace and guidance.
M 46
H 39
No Kids
Married 5yrs, Together 11yrs
BD Oct 31/17
ILYBINILWY Dec 21/17
2nd BD- Dec 27/17
OW-Confirmed Jan 3/17

"It's ok to be scared. Being scared means you're about to do something really, really brave." Anonymous

Offline No expectations

  • MLCer Type: Clinging Boomerang
  • Hero Member
  • *
  • Posts: 3163
  • Gender: Female
  • One day at a time. And time is my friend.
Re: The Heart Of The Matter
« Reply #41 on: March 19, 2018, 08:05:53 PM »
Faith,

God will heal you.  Just give it time and patience,  and of course prayers.  I'm so sorry you went through this.  I'm so glad the boy is okay.
Married 10 1/2 years, together 17.  BD 9/2016, 2nd BD 10/16.  H moved out 10/16.  2 AS's from my first M.  Me 55, H 49.  OW 23.

"And once the storm is over, you won't remember how you made it through; how you managed to survive.  You won't even be sure if the storm is really over.  But one thing is certain; when you come out of the storm, you won't be the same person that walked in...that's what this storm is all about."

"The trick is to enjoy life.  Don't wish away your days, waiting for better ones."

Offline Milly

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 1063
  • Gender: Female
Re: The Heart Of The Matter
« Reply #42 on: March 20, 2018, 01:00:02 AM »
Faith, I'm so sorry. Accidents happen even to good people. But I imagine it's not even about fault, because it was no one's fault or both of your fault, it's that in spite of the kid being ok you carry this incredible guilt or judgement of yourself that you should have done better, that in spite of you doing everything right and trying really hard to make everything work for you and for your kids these past few years, stuff as bad as BD can still happen to you.

I guess you must be back to that hyper awareness time of after BD when our lives fell apart and we would never have expected our Hs to do this to our families and yet he did, so what else is going to happen? I think it unnerved you, put you back to expecting the unexpected. You're on guard and don't know how to protect yourself and your kids.

If it were me I would be speaking to my IC about it. If you don't have one, a counselor at the school. I do think like Noe said, you just need time to accept what happened. And after the incident, you did everything right, absolutely everything that you could do. Look, even his mom left him at school all day.

Talk it out with us here. I sincerely hope that this incident is over at this point, but if it's not, you will be able to handle it. I promise you, it's not as bad as BD. You were driving very slowly as is correct in these circumstances and this is why the kid is fine.  Accidents are going to happen, we can only live our lives correctly so that the damage is reduced. The rest we have no control over.

Take care Faith. I really feel your pain over this. xxx
Married 1989, together since 1984 
BD May 2014,
D23, D20, S13
OW Physical Affair. He and she said she turned 34 the month of BD. She turned 50 last year.

Offline Mitzpah

  • Moderator
  • Hero Member
  • *
  • Posts: 5345
  • Gender: Female
  • How I long for your precepts! Psalm 119:40
Re: The Heart Of The Matter
« Reply #43 on: March 20, 2018, 04:53:43 AM »
Faithwalker,

I am so sorry you had this happen. It must be gut wrenching. May our Lord cover you with his wings and comfort you.

I am so happy the boy was ok and I agree, don't worry about not having had a citation - the officers know what they are doing and I am sure that they did not see the need.

Yes, the shaky feeling... I remember having an accident where I was at fault (I didn't see the other car and I hit the rear end of it as it crossed over in front of me) and for a few years after that, I would be rather shaky driving past that spot - it takes a while to regain confidence.

I hope you are feeling a little better today.
M 56
H 56
S 26
S 24
D 23
BD 13 Dec 2010
Divorced 27 Feb 2015 (30 years marriage)

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future" Jeremiah 29:11

Offline Acorn

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 1207
  • Gender: Female
Re: The Heart Of The Matter
« Reply #44 on: March 20, 2018, 05:07:02 AM »
Oh, Faith...  I’m not surprised that you feel the way you do after such an incident.
(((((((HUGS)))))))))
I’m relieved that you decided to share the story because it could be one of the first steps in healing.  Just writing down your experience is kind of purging, right?

Lean on the Lord and he will surround you with his love and grace...
Hope you can find someone to talk through the emotional shake up you are still going through.   Maybe your pastor or a sage person in your church?

Wishing you peace...
Feb 2015: H has a Nuclear meltdown.  A tear-fest.  The next morning arctic cold descends.
Oct 2015: ILYBIANILWY
Apr 2016: Affair discovered
Still home

Online Puzzled

  • MLCer Type: Low-Energy
  • Sr. Member
  • *
  • Posts: 342
  • Gender: Female
Re: The Heart Of The Matter
« Reply #45 on: March 20, 2018, 09:17:03 AM »
Oh, Faith, I'm so sorry you had this terrible experience!!  Driving around those powerful machines is so dangerous; I sometimes feel relieved when I can get out of the car and no accident happened.

Thank God, the boy was not hurt!  Sometimes, D9 and I talk about guardian angels and we make up stories about how busy her guardian angel sometimes is to keep her safe (the scenes we're conjuring up can get a bit silly and slap-stick...).  I think the boy's guardian angel worked really hard to prevent a collision and nearly succeeded.  While the hit could not be completely prevented, the boy was not injured, at all!  I'm so glad that this was the outcome and feel that there may have been some higher powers involved.

Hopefully, the boy's parents won't consider any legal steps but IF they do, I like what Milly said: You will be able to handle it.  What matters most: The boy is unharmed.

Lots of hugs to you!!
Me: 46 (43 at BD1)
H: 52 (48 at BD1)
D: 9 (6 at BD1)
Met in 1995, married since 2000
BD 1: August 2014
BD 2: October 2015, moved abroad

Offline Kitty

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 815
  • Gender: Female
Re: The Heart Of The Matter
« Reply #46 on: March 20, 2018, 09:35:05 AM »
Wow, Faith. I'm so glad the boy is okay. I think the fact that his mom left him in school is a good sign. As hard as it may be to do, don't beat yourself up over this. Find someone to talk to, and vent as much as you need to. Sending cyber ((Hugs)) to you.
Me 37; H 41
Together 20 years; married 11.5
No kids, no pets
BD #1 Late October 2017 - H says he feels like he is living with a room mate at times (ILYBINILWY) and has considered separation.
BD #2 - Legal separation signed, and I find out about OW after H said there wasn't one.

"Let the past die. Kill it, if you have to. It's the only way for you to become what you are meant to be." Kylo Ren - Star Wars: The Last Jedi

Offline FaithWalkerTopic starter

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 1849
  • Gender: Female
Re: The Heart Of The Matter
« Reply #47 on: March 20, 2018, 04:13:04 PM »
Thank you SB, FN, NoEx, Milly, Mitzpah, Acorn, Puzzled and Kitty.

What you all say makes a lot of sense.

I don't have an IC, but we do get 6 free sessions of counseling through the school district, so I might look into that.

I definitely felt that divine intervention, and continue to thank God that we were both protected.

Journaling:

S17's car is broken down, so today I left my car for him to use, since on Tue and Thu's his schedule is split by leaving school at 9:30 and then having to be back at school around 1.  A co-worker was kind enough to pick me up and take me to work and S17 came and got me after work.  I seem to be fighting all sorts of adulting chaos lately, as the dryer broke down just after I finished drying my load of vacation clothes Sunday night, so my mom came over today to let the dryer repairman in and finish writing out the check I left to pay him with.  Thankfully, it wasn't anything major, and just a small amount in parts to replace plus the service fee.  Definitely lower than what I had in mind that I might need to pay.

Last night, D15 was getting ice cream and started screaming from the kitchen saying that there were flying ants everywhere.  Sure enough, they were dive bombing the kitchen light above the table and the cat was on the floor having a blast jumping up to catch them.  The only thing I can think of is that they flew through the grate in our furnace/hot water heater under stair space, but last year we never had any flying ants, just sugar ants, which I had set out traps for.  So, now pest control is coming on Thursday.  The nice lady on the phone said that it's probably the sugar ants now fully mature and there is most likely a colony underneath our slab.  They like dark, moist places.  Lovely.  Ugh, ugh, ugh.

Can I go back to Las Vegas now? 
M-39
H-42
S-17
D-15
S-12
Friends for 7 years before dating
Married for 14 years
BD 12/14/15 - 2 weeks after 14th anniversary
Divorce final 4/13/16
EA - 9/15-4/16
New GF 12/16
Engaged to her 6/17 (I found out 8/10/17)
Moved to her State 4 States away - 7/13/17
Engagement off 8/20/17
Moved back to our State 8/24/17
Joined POF within the first month back


Link to my journey: 
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9907.0#new

"Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass... it's about learning to dance in the rain."

"Never become a container for bitterness.  Bitterness is a toxin that destroys what it's carried in."

"Sometimes -- some things have to break all apart so better things can be built."

Online KeepItTogether

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 3321
  • Gender: Female
Re: The Heart Of The Matter
« Reply #48 on: March 20, 2018, 08:56:35 PM »
Oh wow Faith, I just saw your story. That is my greatest fear when I am at drop off for S11. It does sound like you are still dealing with a little PTSD from that. I think I would too--I totally get that!

Ummmmm flying ants? Oh he!! no!  And Las Vegas? Yes please. One of my fav places to go.
Me 46
H 45
S11
BD 5/16
H Moved out 6/16
OW--yes. Worked for H. EA turned into PA while I was in chemo.

Offline Treasur

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 3127
  • Gender: Female
Re: The Heart Of The Matter
« Reply #49 on: March 21, 2018, 01:40:34 AM »
Dearest Faith, I'm so pleased you felt you could trust your HS family to share this here and I hope it is part of the healing. I remember when I was learning to drive a kid ran out in front of my car as I was slowing down approaching a roundabout (very slow as I was a learner LOL). Thank God he was ok...but over 35 years later, I can still remember it. It was an accident, a confluence of factors, you did the right thing and thank God all of you were physically unharmed...that's the most important thing.

BD and MLC chaos does leave most of us with a kind of PTSD and thin skin, I think, so talking to an IC sounds really wise if you can. A little loving sunlight on the scary things can make all the difference in the world.
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD)
No kids.
BD Oct 15. OW since Apr 16?
H filed Jan 17. Divorced April 18

Grateful for any appearance of the tiny karma bus  
"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

 

SMF spam blocked by CleanTalk
Legal Disclaimer
The information contained within The Hero's Spouse website family (www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com, http://theherosspouse.com and associated subdomains), (collectively 'website') is provided as general information and is not intended to be a substitute for professional legal, medical or mental health advice or treatment for specific medical conditions. The Hero's Spouse cannot be held responsible for the use of the information provided. The Hero's Spouse recommends that you consult a trained medical or mental health professional before making any decision regarding treatment of yourself or others. The Hero's Spouse recommends that you consult a legal professional for specific legal advice.

Any information, stories, examples, articles, or testimonials on this website do not constitute a guarantee, or prediction regarding the outcome of an individual situation. Reading and/or posting at this website does not constitute a professional relationship between you and the website author, volunteer moderators or mentors or other community members. The moderators and mentors are peer-volunteers, and not functioning in a professional capacity and are therefore offering support and advice based solely upon their own experience and not upon legal, medical, or mental health training.