Author Topic: My Story My story isn't over yet!  (Read 1533 times)

Offline seahorse

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My Story Re: My story isn't over yet!
« Reply #80 on: April 16, 2018, 01:42:39 PM »
FN - So much to think about.
I'm with you here -- we all are.
GO with your heart, and be strong and know that you deserve the best with no compromises.

Hugs.
Seahorses have one mate for life...

Online 1phoenix

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Re: My story isn't over yet!
« Reply #81 on: April 16, 2018, 03:03:23 PM »
My 2 cents:

If the house does not need to be dealt with (you can make it on your own without him), nothing to respond.

You can offer him that you are going to take a roommate if you need one to help with the mortgage. 

Don't tell him no sale unless divorce. 

Bullies are bullies.
I learned that courage was not the absence of fear, but the triumph over it. The brave man is not he who does not feel afraid, but he who conquers that fear — Nelson Mandela

I never lose.  I either win or learn! - Nelson Mandela

For we have fallen from our shelves, To face the truth about ourselves.  "The Gift", Annie Lennox

"You must do the thing you think you cannot do."  Eleanor Roosevelt

Grace makes beauty out of ugly things.  U2 "Grace"

We have all been dealt a hand of cards in this game of life.   Are you going to play or fold?

"Train yourself to let go of everything you fear to lose." Yoda

Offline If_only

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Re: My story isn't over yet!
« Reply #82 on: April 16, 2018, 03:07:33 PM »
FN.  I look at this as great news!! I strongly support you and if you do opt for him to move back as a roomie- you will really have to talk and act with him like a roomie - it is very difficult - more than I can describe because you think they should be like they used to be- and they are not.☹️

Anyway - you know my thoughts !!  - I hope if you opt for him to come back - he stands by that and also respects your boundaries which I have no doubt he will.

Big hugs!  IF






Offline FamilyIsMyGoal

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Re: My story isn't over yet!
« Reply #83 on: April 16, 2018, 03:20:22 PM »
My 2 cents:

If the house does not need to be dealt with (you can make it on your own without him), nothing to respond.

You can offer him that you are going to take a roommate if you need one to help with the mortgage. 

Don't tell him no sale unless divorce. 

Bullies are bullies.

I love this too!  Very good points.
Divorce Bomb August 6, 2017
Married 19 years
Together 22 years
Physically separated - he's 15 miles away
Two Teenage boys
Me: 54
H 58
OW? I don't know - probably plural

Online FearNotTopic starter

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Re: My story isn't over yet!
« Reply #84 on: April 16, 2018, 08:01:10 PM »
Thank you all for your support and input and the tough questions!! Some great points have been made, that I really have to mull over. I have spent a lot of time thinking about this and the advice that has been given and continue to do so. I know I made light of the email in my first post, there is nothing light about this. It's mind boggling and I truly feel the weight of it, but I know I have great support and rationale on here to help me out ( as well as God on my side  ;D)

As to his option A) Walking away and one assumes everything- I am not willing to walk away but if he wanted to it's a possibility. 1P mentioned a roommate. I would have no choice but to find one to make this work. I might have a difficult time getting the price I would need to cover it all, since I would be assuming the line of credit as well. If it was just the house and bills that would doable. It's not off the table though, it could work.

Option B) Selling at a loss- Still not a favorite.
My 2 cents:

Don't tell him no sale unless divorce. 

Bullies are bullies.
I do feel like a bully saying that he has to file for D in order for this to happen, but I also don't want to be stuck in a separation agreement where he has no intentions of dealing with anything other than the home. That is his only focus it seems. I'm trying to think of how to word this in my reply without using the D word, as I have already told him that previously, but he keeps coming back with separation. Am I really prepared should he decide to file...


Option C) One assuming everything for a period of time. I don't think this is viable and too many complications could arise. I don't want to be the one to leave, have him move in with OW etc. and then end up getting screwed over down the road.

Option D) Moving back and assuming half of everything. I have asked for the last 3 months of bills he has been paying. He gave me a brief rundown of what they generally are and is supposed to be sending them. According to his numbers, if this happened I would actually benefit from this, as I have been paying more than my half by a few hundred. So dollar wise this one wouldn't be an issue. In other matters... not so easy. I do want him home, of course I want him home. He keeps threatening me with this. This has been almost 4 months of "moving back but it'll be so awkward, not my best choice, blah blah blah". Then why is he even putting this on the table? Part of me just wants to say sh&t or get off the pot, for crying out loud.
Fear - I know you want him home.  Can you deal with the following scenario:

H moves home and you live like roomies.  Split everything 50/50.  He agrees to no visits from members of the opp sex and you agree to the same.
I can easily agree to this on my part. H, not sure what his deal would be?!!?!

1.  Can you handle him talking to her in front of you on the phone?  Does this need to be a boundary?
Thank you for mentioning this. It would have to be included in boundaries, because I wouldn't be comfortable with this.

2.  Can you handle when he leaves and you know he is going to see OW and then he comes back.  I thought I was ready for this.  Turns out I wasn't.  Threw me for a loop until a few very wise people on this site talked me down.   
I think I could handle this, but wouldn't know 100% until I have to live it. I feel like I have the strength to deal with this as I know it would be an issue.

There are pros and cons to having him home.   Make sure you think about all of them.  You still have time and make sure you are ready. 

No matter what, I am sure you will deal with it like a pro! 

Thank you Samsed for your input. I know it's a whole different matter when it comes to actually living it vs thinking about it and the whole scenario needs careful consideration.


FN.  I look at this as great news!! I strongly support you and if you do opt for him to move back as a roomie- you will really have to talk and act with him like a roomie - it is very difficult - more than I can describe because you think they should be like they used to be- and they are not.☹️

Thank you IF. I truly appreciate hearing from those who have already had to walk this walk. It's a lot to take on, but I feel like I could do it. The reminder that I HAVE TO treat him like a roomie is imperative. Nothing easy about this.

Anyway - you know my thoughts !!  - I hope if you opt for him to come back - he stands by that and also respects your boundaries which I have no doubt he will.
Only time will tell on this one should it come to fruition. I would hope that he would, but I don't think I can realistically "expect" it.

Big hugs!  IF


Thank you Treasur, S33, S66, Family and SH for your advice, commiserating, and support. I am going to take my time on this. I have been working the numbers. Trying to consider all the options, not just the one that appeals most to me. Trying to figure out what MY best option is and what I really want. Tomorrow I will start drafting the email and will be running it by you guys prior to sending to make sure I am not off my rocker and sticking to the facts.

If your saying a prayer or tossing out positivity throw me in there ;)
M 46
H 39
No Kids
Married 5yrs, Together 11yrs
BD Oct 31/17
ILYBINILWY Dec 21/17
2nd BD- Dec 27/17
OW-Confirmed Jan 3/17

"It's ok to be scared. Being scared means you're about to do something really, really brave." Anonymous

Offline seahorse

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Re: My story isn't over yet!
« Reply #85 on: April 17, 2018, 06:57:19 AM »
Good luck with your decision.
Praying for peace and discernment.
Hugs
Seahorses have one mate for life...

Offline Kitty

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Re: My story isn't over yet!
« Reply #86 on: April 17, 2018, 08:13:06 AM »
Sending hugs and positive thoughts your way FN!
Me 37; H 41
Together 20 years; married 11.5
No kids, no pets
BD #1 Late October 2017 - H says he feels like he is living with a room mate at times (ILYBINILWY) and has considered separation.
BD #2 - Legal separation signed, and I find out about OW after H said there wasn't one.

"Let the past die. Kill it, if you have to. It's the only way for you to become what you are meant to be." Kylo Ren - Star Wars: The Last Jedi

Online Thunder

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Re: My story isn't over yet!
« Reply #87 on: April 17, 2018, 10:22:43 AM »
You have quite a decision to make, FearNot.  So far you've narrowed it down to 2 options.   Little progress there.   ;)

I would just say, if you opt for him moving back in make darn sure you can actually handle him being a "room mate" in every sense of the word.

If you have a legal separation done, you can both what ever you want, it's like a divorce.
Which to me would mean he doesn't need to treat you like a wife and you don't have to treat him as a H.  You're both free to do what you want, when you want, with who ever you want.

Of course nether of you would have someone else living with you, or staying over night, just out of mutual respect.
But he should technically be able to talk to anyone he wants, as should you.  You wouldn't put a boundary on a room mate saying they can't talk to someone in the house.

These are just a few things to think about before you choose the room mate idea.
It would need to be strictly a business decision, not an emotional one.

The first one sounds the best, IF you could afford it, in my opinion.  But why would he have no responsibility for the house?
I'm confusing myself.

I have a question for you.  Is the house being dealt with before the separation can go forward?

From what I know (which isn't much).. ::)  A legal separation is exactly like a D with the exception you are still legally married and can stay on each others medical/health insurance.
With her permission, a quote from a recovered MLCer: 
From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did.

Online FearNotTopic starter

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Re: My story isn't over yet!
« Reply #88 on: April 17, 2018, 11:47:02 AM »
Thank you Sea and Kitty!

Thunder
You have quite a decision to make, FearNot.  So far you've narrowed it down to 2 options.   Little progress there.   ;)

I would just say, if you opt for him moving back in make darn sure you can actually handle him being a "room mate" in every sense of the word.

I truly believe God will provide me with the grace, courage, agape love, and wisdom to do this. I also can be stubborn as all get out... so that helps. I don't like to let myself down. If I have to put on an Oscar winning performance to do this, then I will looking up all the best acting tips in the universe to pull this off.

If you have a legal separation done, you can both what ever you want, it's like a divorce.
Which to me would mean he doesn't need to treat you like a wife and you don't have to treat him as a H.  You're both free to do what you want, when you want, with who ever you want.

This is where I feel He needs to file for divorce. I don't believe in having your cake and eating it too in these situations, which to me is what a legal separation implies. You kinda get to pretend to be divorced but not really  married and don't have to deal with the consequences of it. You get your freedom, you can screw around because technically your "separated" etc (I know this isn't everyone's view and I don't mean any offense to those who choose legal separation, and I realize some need to do this to protect themselves financially) I feel like this almost gives him a free ticket to do what he wants without having to actually commit to a divorce. This doesn't sit well with my belief system unfortunately. I know it works for some and that is awesome.

Of course nether of you would have someone else living with you, or staying over night, just out of mutual respect.
But he should technically be able to talk to anyone he wants, as should you.  You wouldn't put a boundary on a room mate saying they can't talk to someone in the house. 
I get what your saying here about dictating a boundary that wouldn't be there for a regular roommate. That is a very good point!! Thank you.

These are just a few things to think about before you choose the room mate idea.
It would need to be strictly a business decision, not an emotional one.

That is a great way of looking at it and making it even more black and white.


The first one sounds the best, IF you could afford it, in my opinion.  But why would he have no responsibility for the house?
I'm confusing myself.

I think this option was tossed at me in hopes that I would walk away. I am going to include it as an option in the email back. So I really have 3. Lol. It has actually grown on me. I highly doubt he is willing to just walk away...


I have a question for you.  Is the house being dealt with before the separation can go forward?

He is trying to deal with the house first before separation. I feel that he should at least file for "D" before any house decisions are made pertaining to the selling the home and not a condition of moving back in. The lawyer I spoke with said that if I don't want a divorce, then make him file before  agreeing to selling/buyout etc. The rest you can mediate later and work out, we have a year.


From what I know (which isn't much).. ::)  A legal separation is exactly like a D with the exception you are still legally married and can stay on each others medical/health insurance.

This wouldn't really make a difference for me, but it would for him.


Thank you Thunder for your post! Adds more to the thinking to do!!
M 46
H 39
No Kids
Married 5yrs, Together 11yrs
BD Oct 31/17
ILYBINILWY Dec 21/17
2nd BD- Dec 27/17
OW-Confirmed Jan 3/17

"It's ok to be scared. Being scared means you're about to do something really, really brave." Anonymous

Online Thunder

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Re: My story isn't over yet!
« Reply #89 on: April 17, 2018, 12:05:33 PM »
I think a lot of people go the separation route for various reasons.  Religious beliefs, keeping health insurance, or just to wait things out.

I wanted to go that route but H said, in his fogged up brain..."nah, I think a D is better."  So look what happened, he divorced me but we are still together.  That D should never have happened.  Had we been legally separated we could have just called it off. 

I understand what you mean about having your cake and eating it too.  You're right.
Being roomies while he sees his ow is not going to work there hubby.

Well, I hope you come up with a better option.   :)
With her permission, a quote from a recovered MLCer: 
From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did.

 

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