Author Topic: My Story Not a group I ever thought I'd be apart of!  (Read 1993 times)

Online Songanddance

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My Story Re: Not a group I ever thought I'd be apart of!
« Reply #20 on: March 15, 2018, 02:53:12 AM »
Spot on Never.

Deb - you cannot love him out of this crisis but you can love him from afar. Put that love into a little box and keep the lid to - not shut but to.   

It is a very hard thing to do but you will find the strength at some point and you will be able to keep going - one tiny step at a time.

Offline Deborib1Topic starter

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Re: Not a group I ever thought I'd be apart of!
« Reply #21 on: March 15, 2018, 08:50:22 AM »
I may not be able to love him put of the crisis but I sure am going to pray him out of it! Meanwhile, I will continue to be nice when he shows up and 'appear' happy. I will continue to find joy in every day and love my son...none of those things will change during this disruptive time in our family. The silliest things come into your mind while you lay there at night unable to sleep...I wish I could have a slow dance with my hubby. All the things we used to do that were so sweet are the things I replay. I really have no anger, just sadness. He stopped by last night before work to see our son. He looked awful 😕 He looked so lost, so beside himself. It was ripping me apart inside not being able to hug him and try to help. So sad...
Buckle up! It's looking like a bumpy ride!

Offline Never say never

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Re: Not a group I ever thought I'd be apart of!
« Reply #22 on: March 15, 2018, 06:36:16 PM »
Deb, I get it ... we all get it.  He is just a lost soul right now and there is nothing you can do/could have done to change any of this.  This needs to happen.  For what reason?  We don't know the answer to that, but the sooner you figure that out, the sooner you will realize this has nothing to do with you and everything to do with him.

It's so easy for people to say:  "Oh, get on with your lives.  Get a life.  Use this time wisely."  Really?  I know ... I get it.  Our husbands were our lives.  We want them back.  We want our life back.  It's like no one understands "our" marriage.

I wish I could have a "do-over!"  Heck .. I thought I knew it all.  I thought my situation was different.  It wasn't.

Like Song said, put your love for your husband in a box and put him on a shelf ... for now.  This is one chapter in our lives; albeit a horrible, terrible chapter.  But remember, nothing stays the same.  Remember who you are and remember that this really has nothing to do with you.  It took me such a LONG TIME to realize that.

Hugs, Deb ... xoxoxo

 

Offline moc

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Re: Not a group I ever thought I'd be apart of!
« Reply #23 on: March 16, 2018, 01:23:53 AM »
Deb: so sorry to have you join the club that nobody wants to be a part of.  You are in good hands and hearts hear.  Ask questions, vent, journal, etc.  Everyone here will give you wonderful advice but you must do what you think is best. 

Speaking of advice; here is my 2 cents:


He said that 'it's not selfish to want to be happy': ha, typical MLC script.  I heard this one the other day in MC from my MLCer W and I am 4mo post BD.  You will hear various versions of this.  Try not to take it personally and detach as OP says as much and as quick as you can.



What happens when you have no money for groceries? Do you say 'hey could I have some grocery money?': um yes, you should ask for grocery money, use the joint account, use the credit card.  You have to maintain your home and bills.


What happens when he doesn't show up to see S when he told him he would? Can you suggest at least a phone call to S? I've been texting a simple...I love you, every night before going to sleep...it's that wrong?: not wrong but have ZERO, ZILCH, NADA Expectations your MLCer H will do this. 


when I started to say we could get help he interupted and said he wasn't going to have some a**hole tell him his problems.  Typical MLC script, don't suggest it.  If you are hurting, try and detach as quickly as you can from his MLC.


As for money, yes we have a joint account but he is a realtor by day and dj at night (has been since the 90s) so he pays the bills at the beginning of the month and then we pay for evetything with cash such as groceries and gas. He gets paid cash for his night job.  GREAT, he needs to give you money for food, gas, etc.  If he won't, you may have to see a lawyer to get it done.


How do you all deal with the no call, no shows to see the kids? He initiates the stop over, tells my son 'I'll see you tomorrow' then doesn't call or show up. My son waited up last night until I insisted we get ready for bed. As he is going to sleep he asks, where is Daddy breaking my heart...: this REPLAY disappearance is also par for the course.  I know this hurts you and you son, but don't mention it to your MLCer H.  Let him feel his own way through this stuff.  He is selfish right now as MLC is very selfish.

Take care of yourself and your family first.  Leave you H to his own issues.
M: 47
W: 45
S15 & S11 [from MLCer1]
BD#1: 9/2017
BD#2: 11/2017
no D filed, not seeking action at this time
Separated: 12/2017
OM: EAs up to at least 5 now.  Not sure on PAs.

Offline Deborib1Topic starter

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Re: Not a group I ever thought I'd be apart of!
« Reply #24 on: March 16, 2018, 06:16:49 AM »
After 3 1/2 weeks, a family member from the other side (brother in laws wife) reached out to me. It was so comforting to actually have contact with 'the other side'. Though it was only a text to say how sorry she was and wishes she could do something, it felt good. She and I have been so tight all these 35yrs, it's been tough to stomach her silence. She kept saying that she can't understand what H's problem is but hopes he gets over it soon and comes to his senses. She says she will come visit soon. Just a little bright spot I thought I'd share. ❤
Buckle up! It's looking like a bumpy ride!

Offline Deborib1Topic starter

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Re: Not a group I ever thought I'd be apart of!
« Reply #25 on: March 16, 2018, 05:15:23 PM »
I really appreciate all the replies. Having no adult conversation during the day is tough sometimes and this really helps...thanks everyone!
Buckle up! It's looking like a bumpy ride!

Offline Never say never

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Re: Not a group I ever thought I'd be apart of!
« Reply #26 on: March 16, 2018, 06:36:52 PM »
Aww, Deb ... we get it ... we really do  ... (((HUGS)))

Talk to us.  Someone is always listening...

Offline Mrs.Smiling

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Re: Not a group I ever thought I'd be apart of!
« Reply #27 on: March 16, 2018, 06:57:54 PM »
I remember when H said the same...it was time he needed to be a little selfish...umm...ok...I think H has been selfish a lot longer than he thinks..
Hang in there ....one step in front of the other....
Be the best version of yourself... there is no other

Offline Deborib1Topic starter

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Re: Not a group I ever thought I'd be apart of!
« Reply #28 on: March 17, 2018, 01:32:26 PM »
I hate Saturdays!! Every time H comes to pick up my son for a couple of hours...I just want to scream! He acts like it's NORMAL to pick him up and drop him off. UGH! This is a guy who has always been moral, had high integrity, cared about other people's feelings and always talked about how sad it was when others split up, especially because of the kids. This is all so unbelievable! What kind of damn twilight zone am I living in anyway???
Buckle up! It's looking like a bumpy ride!

Offline Jay78

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Re: Not a group I ever thought I'd be apart of!
« Reply #29 on: March 17, 2018, 07:12:39 PM »
Deb,
Welcome to LBS planet. My heart goes out to you I remember my bd I felt alone, lost confused thank God for this forum all I can say is read read read and please protect your finances PLEASE our S are not thinking at all they are selfish and just horrible. I am going on 11 months and W is not even showing signs of lifting my W was like a runaway train with no breaks she is very impulsive and everything she has done has been impulsive so my New friend hold on tight this is going be a hella of ride that you will never forget. Hope to see you on the other side.
At BD
Lesbian marriage
Me39,W36
S9,D9,S8 adopted all three
Together almost 10yrs
Bomb Drop - April 2017
W movedout - May,2017
OW  May orJune,2017 maybe even longer
Currently 2018
Me40, W37
S9,D9,S8 
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A  DAY AT  A TIME,  WITH GOD ANYTHING IS POSSIBLE

 

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