Author Topic: My Story Finally admitting I need support  (Read 1447 times)

Offline Mrs.Smiling

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My Story Re: Finally admitting I need support
« Reply #10 on: March 15, 2018, 01:38:33 PM »
Yes the secrecy of where they moved to. H told me he got his own place in a way like I was supposed to congratulate him. Won't tell me where...cause it's a secret...but OW knows..but of course...hasn't spoke about his own place since last week. But then I wouldn't listen anyways...I would just nod and say oh ok....
Be the best version of yourself... there is no other

Offline strawberryTopic starter

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Re: Finally admitting I need support
« Reply #11 on: March 15, 2018, 02:32:48 PM »
He is secretive with his phone and "steps outside" if he needs to make a call when he's here, but has been for a couple years ago when he decided that me not trusting him was an issue.  Not trying anything new in the bedroom.  Really the only thing new is the naughty pictures.  He works in cyber security and was always sort of paranoid about what was on the internet.  No social media accounts, and was careful about photos.  Now he sends me some pretty interesting ones and asks for some in return.  I used to send him cleavage shots when he was on travel.  A little racy, but nothing x-rated.  Given that his libido was next to nil when he left, I took this as a good sign.  There are a lot of reasons for me to think there is an OW, but it just seems like if there were, he wouldn't be wasting time with me.

Offline strawberryTopic starter

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Re: Finally admitting I need support
« Reply #12 on: March 16, 2018, 05:12:40 PM »
I’m irritated today.  Texting with H last night, he mentioned he was out to dinner with his team from work and they had designated him the wine guy for all their team dinners.  Now here’s the first thing that irritates me.  He knows wine because I know wine.  I very much like wine, and have amassed a bit of a collection.  My education is far from complete but what he knows about wine, he only knows because of me.

Second irritation.  I grew up a city kid and would have loved to live in a high rise condo in the middle of a big city.  He grew up in the country and hated living in a sub-division of cookie cutter houses that were noisy and where you could see in your neighbors windows.  So when we moved to Washington State 4 years ago, we bought a big house on 5 acres.  Now, he’s living in the middle of downtown Seattle and I’m stuck out here in the country.  Don’t get me wrong, there are aspects of my home I like.  I like gardening, and I like the quiet.  And I never knew there were so many stars in the sky.  I have amazingly beautiful views.   I prefer running on trails to roads and there are lots more options for that out here.  It’s also ideal for my 2 dogs...but I’m a cat person.  He wanted the first dog and when we agreed to the second one, I never imagined I would be stuck with 5 acres and 2 highly active dogs to take care of on my own.  Financially, it would be hard for me to move anywhere smaller since the housing market here is going crazy and I’d still be in a remote county with little in the way of “cosmopolitan” entertainment.

Seriously though, how is it fair that he is now thoughroughly enjoying living my dream with dozens of fantastic restaurants and bars just steps from his doorstep with music and theater venues not far away and I’m stuck out here in the country living his dream.

For the record, I love my dogs (and surprisingly, my chickens) and I would fight anyone who tried to take them from me.  I’m just feeling crabby and sorry for myself today.  And a little overwhelmed by upcoming yard work on 5 acres....

Oh and I’m annoyed by how easy it is for him to make friends.  Do you know how hard it is for an introvert in the country to make friends.  Le sigh.

Offline Thunder

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Re: Finally admitting I need support
« Reply #13 on: March 17, 2018, 04:17:11 AM »
Sorry strawberry.

I does just seem like they get the easy part in all this, doesn't it?  They just glide through life without a care in the world.

I used to wish in was the me in the crisis, with no responsibilities, but then I'm not sure I would care for the turmoil going on in their brain.  It has to be scary sometimes.
With her permission, a quote from a recovered MLCer: 
From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did.

Offline serenity

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Re: Finally admitting I need support
« Reply #14 on: March 17, 2018, 04:32:14 AM »
Hi Strawberry

I used to feel the way you do but I don't any longer.

It's amazing how they suddenly find new friends. My H was an introvert and didn't really have many friends.

He always seems busy and never at home and maybe he's doing fun things but I don't believe it makes him any happier in the end! My H told me once (during a lucid moment) that when he's out, he wants to be home and when he's home, he wants to be out. Those are not the words of a happy and content man!!

Despite my job, family and friends I do still struggle with loneliness BUT I have something my H no longer has! I have my lovely children and granddaughter. We have wonderful family times, days out and holidays. H has none of that. So as much as he runs around doing things and always seems to have women around him - I wouldn't want that and wouldn't swap my life for his.

Family is everything in life and to feel loved and give love is all that matters. I see his life as busy but superficial, hollow and meaningless. No real connections and no in depth relationships!

Hope that helps you to feel a bit better - trust me you're in a much better position.

X

Offline Treasur

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Re: Finally admitting I need support
« Reply #15 on: March 17, 2018, 04:38:49 AM »
Crabby is fine, strawberry.

I guess what's interesting and useful to muse on is how you ended up together with a home/life/dogs that were more about what he liked than what you did. (Did something similar in our previous home, driven more by his job...then off he runs and I'm left with it all!) Which doesn't change the fact that you might have learned to like some of these things now...The really useful bit is what you think you'd like most next irregardless of H/MLC etc? What did you trade in that you'd like to reclaim? Or keep that was an unexpected pleasure?
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD)
No kids.
BD Oct 15. OW since Apr 16?
H filed Jan 17. Divorced April 18

Grateful for any appearance of the tiny karma bus  
"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline strawberryTopic starter

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Re: Finally admitting I need support
« Reply #16 on: March 17, 2018, 03:21:26 PM »
I guess the only thing I gave up really was career advancement, and as I mentioned a city life instead of a country life.  But climbing the corporate ladder never really appealed to me.  Rather it was just something to do when you're a woman and you don't want to have children.  Focus on work.  I discovered pretty early in my career though that I would rather work to live than live to work.  I valued experiences over advancing my career.  This allowed me to travel and obtain life experiences.  Advancing my career would have required moving to DC (which would have benefited both our careers) but then life would have been all about work.  When we got the first dog, it didn't feel like I was giving anything up since she was his dog and he took care of her and cleaned up after her.  But slowly, she became more and more my responsibility.  I love her to death (thus why I didn't let him take her when he left), but it's a lot like being a single mom with a child that never grows up.  I can't be gone from the house for more than 12 hours without making arraignments for the dogs.  I was okay with the house in the country because it was convenient to where he worked and gave me a lot of space to try the country girl life I was trying to embrace for him.   There are aspects of it I do like, but again, the responsibly of maintaining it doubled when he left.   I resent that he dumped all of his responsibilities on my and is living a very responsibility free life (he even pays someone an outrageous amount to clean his studio apartment, which was something he thought was a waste of money when he lived with me).  I honestly don't know what I want out of life now.  I guess that's the primary question I should be working on.  But right now, all my energy goes toward taking care of day to day responsibilities and making sure my calendar is as full of social activities as I can stand, or running.  I worry that my resentment will build to the point that I will just hate him.  The betrayal really sucks, but the stress of him dumping all his responsibilities on you is a real punch to the gut.  Part of me wants to prove I can do it without him and part of me wants to hide under the covers and pretend it will just sort itself out without me.

I have decided that I'm going to go ahead and register for some races at DisneyWorld in November.  It will be a bit of a financial strain and will be a little depressing if I can't convince someone to go with me, but it's an experience that brings me an immense amount of joy so I'm going to make it work, even if I end up spending the trip by myself.  Maybe I'll do all the character photo ops for a change :D

Offline strawberryTopic starter

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Re: Finally admitting I need support
« Reply #17 on: March 19, 2018, 08:32:31 PM »
I had an interesting weekend.  Not because anything especially interesting happened, but my outlook changed.  H was scheduled to spend Sunday afternoon/evening with me, but told me about half an hour before he was supposed to show up that he was being called into work that evening and only could stay about an hour.  I felt very little about this news.  I was neither upset nor happy about it.  I instead started mentally listing the chores (on my very long list of needed chores) to pick which one I would spend the rest of the day doing to occupy my time.

H's visit was a little on the uncomfortable side.  It seems that I'm usually the one that keeps our conversations going but the reality is that I'm perfectly okay with awkward silence.  Actually, it usually amuses me to people watch while saying nothing.  I've been working on only communicating electronically when necessary or as a response to him.  I can chit chat and be social with him on text, but he has to initiate it.  This is the first time I took that tact in person and he seemed a bit perplexed by it.

After he left, I had every intention of washing my car, but as I was sitting at my kitchen table having a snack, I noticed my neighbors were still burning things.  They'd been clearing an area of their property that the previous owner let get overgrown.  It was a shame because there are some nice views and a couple ponds in that area.  So I texted them that I was tempted to grab a bottle of wine and sit by their bonfire and watch them work, which resulted in an invite over.  What I love about my new neighbors is that not only are they super social, but they are extremely helpful.  in the 3 hours I sat and watched (and helped a little), I learned things about maintaining my own property that I had no idea about.  But the key thing I learned was, if it wasn't wanted, burn it.

In the last 24 hours this theme has really taken hold of me for both literal and figurative purposes.  I have a lot of overgrowth and debris that I need to take care of.  My country raised H was previously putting everything in a large mound on the edge and into the forested area.  Now that I think about that, it's weird.  His mother makes burn piles like this throughout the year and when they get big enough, she burns them.
 He should have known that it wasn't suitable as a burn pile based on it's location.  I have a nice firepit area, but it was a complete mess with storm debris, weeds, and the pit itself had about 7 inches of muck in it.  So today as soon as work was done, I set to cleaning the firepit area up and started burning anything I could put in there.

Figuratively, I'm more resolved than ever to discard any notions that I can't do this myself.  I'm burning the feelings of self pity.  I'm burning the jealousy over H living my dream while I'm stuck in his.   This is not the life I'd have chosen, but it's a pretty good life when I think about it and I am going to embrace it.  There are still a lot of things I need to learn to do but I'm feeling a bit more confident that I can either figure them out or get assistance from my neighbors (who cleared a path through the overgrowth between our properties yesterday so I could get over there easier).

I'm still standing for my marriage, but I'm standing for myself too and that's new.  I'm also writing this all down so next time I think I'm going to die with sadness, I can come remember that I'm going to be just fine.

Offline Thunder

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Re: Finally admitting I need support
« Reply #18 on: March 20, 2018, 02:40:13 AM »
Nice post, strawberry.

Yes you can learn to do a lot by yourself, or by getting a little help from your neighbors.  Lucky you to have good neighbors.
The more you do for yourself the more independent you will become.  The stronger you will feel.
Plus yard work can be very therapeutic.

It's a good sign you felt very little over his news.  Shows you are starting to detach.   :)

You are going to make it through this strawberry.  We will help you.
It just takes that dreaded time.
With her permission, a quote from a recovered MLCer: 
From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did.

Offline LearningIamOk

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Re: Finally admitting I need support
« Reply #19 on: March 21, 2018, 07:21:55 PM »
Hi Strawberry! Glad you found us, sorry you have to be here. My xH has some similarities to your H. When he left, he wouldn't tell me where he living. When he bought a condo, he did tell me but I wasn't allowed to see it. He's moved 2 more times and now he doesn't think I know where he lives, but I do and I know exactly how far it is to his OW's (thank you MapQuest), 5 mins. He doesn't even invite our kids over and they are all adults who can drive.

He is also living my dream. I enjoy going to Broadway shows, concerts, museums etc. We never did any of that. He told me when he left, in a letter, that I would be better off with someone who enjoys the arts. Now my D35 tells me he and his OW go to Broadway shows, concerts, and comedy shows in the city, recently to Chris Rock, all the time! :( >:(

I also learned to do a lot around my house and yard on my own. I even took down a small tree with a chainsaw. He was shocked about that. I like figuring things out on my own. It gives me great satisfaction.

I loved your very positive post. You are definitely going to be one of the survivors on here. You are even going to thrive. I like that you are signing up for the races in Disney World. Even if you go by yourself, you will be with like minded people and the opportunity to make new friends is there.

Think about the things you did before you got married and start doing them again. I took up horseback riding again. I loved it, but I wasn't very good at it. I started listening to the radio while falling asleep. Something xH made me stop doing.

And something you and I have in common are the German shepards. I have had 3 in my lifetime. The last one was the best dog I ever owned. I love the breed. Smart, elegant and loyal. I don't have any dogs currently. They just cost too much money and I have had to put all of mine down. The 3 shepards and 2 mixed breeds and I just don't want to be put thru that anymore. It's gut wrenching.

You will get thru this. We Old Timers on here are living proof that you will.
trying2bok

 

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