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1
Our Community / Re: Stopping the insanity
« Latest by Thunder on Today at 09:06:09 PM »
Tornup so you made a mistake.  Let it go. You didn't ruin the wedding over it so don't beat yourself up over it.

The wedding turned out to be great, that is what people will remember.

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Our Community / MLC h and xw
« Latest by tle on Today at 08:52:22 PM »
Thanks JB
It's really so crazy how it's like a switch was flipped and now they are a different person.
3
Our Community / Stopping the insanity
« Latest by Tornup on Today at 06:03:48 PM »
Offroad- I dont really want to get trapped on this one thing. Of course she felt it was a negative. We did have a open conversation around even some of the immediate family. I apologized. I said I see her point. That I did not go into detail, but referenced that she went from basically a mediator of problems to one that had to be faced with the problem and still made her way through and showed such strength and resilience.

This journalling is about my thoughts and feelings about getting through and moving through my struggles with MLC, so yes when on here that is my focus. That is what I am working though. So here my focus isn’t to discuss the details of wedding, but my interactions with XH. FB is filled with all the happy of the wedding 😊  Yes, I get we have to refocus away from them and on to us, but this was an event that was bringing me much anxiety.  Such a family event with a fractured family and not seeing my XH for 5 months.

 I think overall she had a lovely wedding. I think she had a great time. She was gorgeous. As she always is. She handled the wedding. I showed up and did what she needed and I am disappointed in myself for letting her down on that one aspect of the wedding, but again I am human and maybe the fact I have been a victim of many tragedies that I share openly to help others that has skewed things for me. I dont see those as a negative. I turn negatives into positives and that is what I see in her.

With her however a conversation is not always possible. She wants to state her issue on anything and only be heard. She does not ever own her part in the R so I always know whether I am right or wrong it is not open for discussion. Part of my therapy dealings is working through my ever difficult relationship with my daughter. She relies on me heavily for her venting, child care, animal care when gone etc. She tends to take me for granted. So, I am in a constant state of trying to win her approval. So, it is painful for me that I made an error including that in our speech. I was only included or looped in because her father could not come
up with anything nice to say. Which is sad in itself, but again she is difficult. Not just with us but she has few friends due to her inability to seen others sides. It is a revolving door for her. She does not maintain friends as she is easily offended and entitled. I love her dearly, but we all XH and S28 all struggle with her.

Moving on from the speech mistake which is giving me anxiety now more than when I started. Thank you for all the insight. I am always open to hear what I need to hear. In this instance I agree that I made a mistake.



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Our Community / You Can't Touch This
« Latest by OffRoad on Today at 05:35:01 PM »
What if you went to church on random Sundays? Or do they have week day services? You know, just randomly be there or not so SPQ cannot get a read on when you are there? Although I suppose she just might not be there due to covid quarantining.

Glad the kids are back safe and sound.
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Our Community / Stopping the insanity
« Latest by OffRoad on Today at 05:24:12 PM »
The “even the average person” personally felt a little offensive to to me at my core.
I'm not quite sure what you mean here? I said " I would think the average person" as in my thought process would be that in my experience, there has been no one who wanted anything negative at their wedding, so the average person probably would not want anything negative at their wedding. I did not say "even the average person". I'm sorry if that is what you read. I was trying to convey that bringing up bad memories, even if the end result was not bad, is not what anyone I know wanted at their wedding, so my thought process went the way it did. I don't have a "thinky" icon, sad to say. :-\

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Maybe that one part was a bad choice, but in general she is very hard to please and satisfy. So, an outsider who is hearing one story should not be able to state that not to be true?? We did our best. If it was a mistake it was. Can’t change it and I also will not let it eat me up.
I see I should be using a whole lot more words. Since you were mentioning this one instance, I was commenting on this one instance, not her entire life. In this one instance, it may not have been that she is hard for you to please. It may be that what you thought would please her was not pleasant for her. That would not make her hard for you to please in this instance, it means you may not know what would please her in this instance if you had not asked. Those are different things. If you say she is generally hard to please and satisfy, I was not there all her life and you were. I was only commenting on this one instance and, as I said, it's because of my own history.

I have no idea if it was or wasn't a mistake. I was mentioning that it might have been, and invite you to ask her since it seemed to upset you that she didn't like at least that one part of the speech. Yes, IF it was a mistake there is something that can be done. You can apologize, but you won't know unless you ask her. If you ask her at some point, then you will know the actual answer to why she did not like that one part.

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Also, I had another journal on the night before and the family time. The SIL family chose to not participate in any before wedding activities and stated in earlier journalling there have been fighting in that family. Also, I again said my brothers visit went well and all over I thought the weekend went pretty good.
Again, I see I should use more words. I have read all of your posts. A visit going well doesn't say much about what you did and what you enjoyed about it. Did you dance? Reminisce? Play board games? The wedding going well doesn't say how you felt about the proceedings. Happy for your daughter? Was she a beautiful bride? You don't have to say if you don't want to just because someone asks, but I loved the part about there being an outdoor archway, and that you decorated it. That is special.  If you took your XH out of the picture, what were your favorite parts? Or were they all just colored by his presence? (This would be completely normal ).

It sounds like you put together and hosted the whole thing. That sounds like a lot of work, and a lot of joy.
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Our Community / Re: Stopping the insanity
« Latest by Thunder on Today at 04:16:43 PM »
Yep I got that from my X too even though my family never, ever let him feel he was not accepted or welcomed.

I think it is just their guilt.

Nothing we can do about it.
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Our Community / Stopping the insanity
« Latest by Tornup on Today at 03:15:59 PM »
Thunder-It was not that he sat next to my son. Normally you turn around and sit at first chair open after handing the bride to her husband to be. So, instead he went past it and me and my son to sit the farthest away. Again, it was very obvious. I think he did it more for wanting to disappear than about me, but if he was in his right frame of mind he would have sat next to me. I feel it is due to his feeling like he does not belong anymore in the family or anywhere. I let it go quite quickly and as I sad my family members noticed. It’s all good. I realize more and more his actions are not personal, but more about his internal struggles and he is ONLY ever thinking of HIM.

Another thing that happened before the wedding. He got there late. I knew he was nervous. When I saw him before going to sit down I told him Awe, you look so nice and handsome. He said I almost didn’t make it. Never commented on how I looked. I thought that was interesting, yet not affected by it. I think another aspect of the self centered behavior and thought process of a MLC’r. Nothing is positive in their head, so compliments would not come easily
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He was a great Dad until he wasn’t and the only things that keeps him away is his own shame.
Same. And the greatest thing was his example of honesty & integrity. That is what has hurt & baffled our boys so much. Along with me they cannot fathom how this all happened. I have learned that MLC is a very powerful disorder & seems to override some people's sense of decency. I intellectually understand the process, but still have a hard time accepting it.

...how very strange, after so many years, that your xh should think it appropriate to ask you to relay any message at all to an adult child on his behalf. There is something almost infantile about an adult who hurts people so much yet expects to be loved and accepted regardless and without acting to acknowledge the hurt they caused.
It is strange, especially since we communicate so rarely. I believe that when he thinks about G it makes him feel bad & he doesn't want to feel bad--that's what his infidelity & the adoration of the OW "fixed" for him--the "bad" feelings of MLC. I wonder how that's going now  ::)  Now he wants me to "fix" this unhappiness of a son who shuns him.

He responded right away to my message & suprisingly didn't bristle at the truth darts I aimed his way. His response "Thank you for letting me know that he is on a better path. I'm sure even this morsel wasn't easy for you." I'm not sure what his second sentence meant. I have told him I cannot discuss G's situation with him because of my son's wishes, but he seems to imply that I have a need to withhold information from him. Not going to over-analyze it. I've learned that lesson. Nothing an MLCer says or does makes sense to a "normal" person.

Thanks for all of your replies & support throughout this crazy turn in our lives.
HT
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Our Community / Re: Stopping the insanity
« Latest by Thunder on Today at 03:04:04 PM »
Tornup I am glad to hear the wedding went without a hitch and you and your X enjoyed it.  Enjoying family and friends is always a good memory for her special day.

I just wanted to say, please don't let it upset you your X sat with his son during the service.  That is so minor.
People know you two are divorced. They probably thought nothing of him sitting next to his son instead of next to you.  It is nothing to be embarrassed over.

I hope she had a nice father/daughter dance together.
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Our Community / Stopping the insanity
« Latest by Tornup on Today at 02:33:17 PM »
Offroad-the speech was more in-depth. That was a small aspect that started out as her being selected to be a mediator in mid school for her ability to resolve conflict to have that turn a bit on her with some jealous bullies that she still showed resilience and strength. There were many other stories, but again I did not see it as a bad story. I said she did, so apparently you and she are on the same page. The “even the average person” personally felt a little offensive to to me at my core. This was a high anxiety wedding going in and I would have preferred not to be part of the speech, but I did my best.

Maybe that one part was a bad choice, but in general she is very hard to please and satisfy. So, an outsider who is hearing one story should not be able to state that not to be true?? We did our best. If it was a mistake it was. Can’t change it and I also will not let it eat me up.  I might add this was only immediate family. The wedding was a total of 37 people. So, most knew her story.

Also, I had another journal on the night before and the family time. The SIL family chose to not participate in any before wedding activities and stated in earlier journalling there have been fighting in that family. Also, I again said my brothers visit went well and all over I thought the weekend went pretty good.

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