[HeartTattoo]

Two, maybe three months ago I was going through a little resurgence of emotion surrounding my MLCer & the loss of my former life, over seven years now post-BD. The MLCer regularly turned up in my dreams & I shed a tear or two here & there.

The last month or so though, I feel more removed from it all. It is a part of my life that is receding further & further in the rearview mirror. I do still think of my H every single day & review various memories of that past life. Some are pleasant; on the whole I would judge our M to have been quite good until MLC hit. But in contrast to the immediate BD period, when I think I idealized many of my H’s qualities, I now more often think of the times he disappointed me with his self-centeredness & his over-prioritizing his needs over the needs of our family.

When I logged on to HS today, I went to my profile to update H’s age by a year & came to the My Status buttons. Even after the D, even after his M to the OW, even when I started a new R, I kept the “I Don’t Know” button clicked. Today I hit the “Done” button.  It’s not that yesterday I wasn’t “Done” & today I am. Although I held out great hopes for the recovery of my M, I knew it was “Done” when he demanded the D & M’ed the OW. I knew I was at a new level of “Done” when I entered a fairly committed new R, which is now four years along.

As we all know by now, Recovery lurches along day by day, a little forward, a little back, sometimes a lot back & sometimes a leap forward. No such leaps or lurches here, just a growing acceptance that any R I had with my H is dead. He is a vanisher, but as long as he is with the OW, I will not reach out in friendliness nor respond to any effort for “friendliness” on his part. We very rarely have some tidbit of business to take care of in a straightforward fashion, but even those occasions are waning.

If he ever separates from the OW, which I have no reason to believe he will, I would want us to try to be friends. I hate more than anything that our family is awkwardly & painfully shattered. I would welcome an opportunity to attempt a bridge over that divide.

Some would advise I ignore the OW & attempt some healing of my family despite her. But she is my albatross. I am unable (unwilling?) to give her existence any acknowledgement. And my H, because of his association with her, is also tainted. He only exists now as an emblem of pain & betrayal. Fortunately, as time flows along, that pain no longer hits me in the gut, constricts my heart in my chest, or sends my brain into flights of obsessive thoughts. It is the pain of a scar which no longer hurts, except when the weather changes & I have to acknowledge the existence of my H in this world M’ed to another woman.

[stillbaffled]

Some would advise I ignore the OW & attempt some healing of my family despite her. But she is my albatross. I am unable (unwilling?) to give her existence any acknowledgement. And my H, because of his association with her, is also tainted. He only exists now as an emblem of pain & betrayal. Fortunately, as time flows along, that pain no longer hits me in the gut, constricts my heart in my chest, or sends my brain into flights of obsessive thoughts. It is the pain of a scar which no longer hurts, except when the weather changes & I have to acknowledge the existence of my H in this world M’ed to another woman.'

Good to hear from you HT. 

I won't be one of those advising you to ignore the ow and make all friendly with your ex. 

Your words above seem to express my feelings as well. 

[UrsaMajor]

Good to hear from you HT. 

I won't be one of those advising you to ignore the ow and make all friendly with your ex. 

Your words above seem to express my feelings as well.

Yep.... I have to be polite for the sake of the kids but other than that, why would I want to be "friends" with someone who would treat me in that fashion?

[Milly]

Nice to hear your update HT. Six years from BD for me and I would say you reflect my feelings, too.

[HeartTattoo]

Thanks for following along & validating my feelings. I sometimes feel that the MLC chapter should just be filed away somewhere never to intrude on my current life. I've certainly been moving along, but I don't think I will ever "get over this" like my H hoped I would (in short order) or that some friends advised.

Certainly lots of couples split up, separate, D, at every stage of coupling. But as HS confirms for us, we are in a "special" club. No one, even if they have had a break-up in their past, can comprehend the enormity of a MLC BD & abandonment. You are just going along with life, with your life partner, with life's usual bumps, & then a tsunami hits, washes away your life & all you believed about your life.

No one gets to tell us how to "get over this", but I judge myself sometimes. Am I holding onto resentment? Am I holding myself back from complete healing? I've quit asking all those unanswerable questions like Why? & How?, so I guess I have to ask new ones, maybe just as unanswerable.

Hugs,
HT

[xyzcf]

No we do not "get over this".

I have a friend whose 19 year old son committed suicide 20 years ago, she will never get over that either.

Things that are this traumatic, lead to permanent scars, wounds that heal but leave a reminder that fades but still causes us some problems. The innocence is over.

11 years next week since BD. I am back seeing my therapist and she wrote this to me this week:

I think you are doing a phenomenal job navigating this horrific life trauma you've had to experience.  It's beyond hard right now, and I continue to see you rise to the top of all the sh*t again and again.  Your resilience is remarkable and has built to the size of Canada by now, to be sure.

She made me smile. What helps me is when I look back to the shell of who I was, the curl up in a ball and not move, the tears which flowed all the time...that woman is not who I am now.

Some days still hit me hard, some memories still make me ask..how did this happen to us??

I think the reason I still come to HS is because here and with a few really good friends, I can see that this isn't just me who continues to be affected by his rejection/desertion/abandonment/betrayal......and I allow myself to say, it's ok..I am doing the best I can.

Sorry HT that this is like the "gift" that never stops giving or the nightmare that never truly ends. 

[Treasur]

the enormity of a MLC BD & abandonment. You are just going along with life, with your life partner, with life's usual bumps, & then a tsunami hits, washes away your life & all you believed about your life.

This ^^^
And imho it is ok to feel just how you feel, HT. Tbh seeing them as something toxic to be repelled by is also something that keeps us away from things and people that might harm us and don't serve us, doesn't it?
As xyz says...it's ok if we know we are doing the best that we can to adapt to the reality that this awful thing happened, we survived it and we do our best to build a different life after it.
And that might include accepting that some things are unforgivable to us.
And that it was life altering and some bits of residue from it may never entirely 'go away'.
Good enough imho is good enough 

[HeartTattoo]

11 years next week since BD. I am back seeing my therapist and she wrote this to me this week:

I think you are doing a phenomenal job navigating this horrific life trauma you've had to experience.  It's beyond hard right now, and I continue to see you rise to the top of all the sh*t again and again.  Your resilience is remarkable and has built to the size of Canada by now, to be sure.

Eleven years, XYZ! Yes, you are doing an amazing job dealing with the many phases of interaction/non-interaction with your H. Reassuring us that WE are not the crazy one is, I think, the best thing our therapists give us. Sitting there manic, crying, not eating or sleeping, fighting intrusive obsessive thoughts, mine kept saying "Of course you feel this way...this is loss, this is grieving...this isn't on you...you are the most normal person I've seen in this office..."

I think the reason I still come to HS is because here and with a few really good friends, I can see that this isn't just me who continues to be affected by his rejection/desertion/abandonment/betrayal......and I allow myself to say, it's ok..I am doing the best I can.

We come so far. We look back & see our progress. Now, am I a little stuck holding onto some of the pain? Or am I just accepting those scars that still ache sometimes, that I have to protect sometimes in ways that others don't understand? I don't wallow; I am beyond kind to myself & it is good to come here & see others still needing reassurance, still feeling the ache of the scars.

Tbh seeing them as something toxic to be repelled by is also something that keeps us away from things and people that might harm us and don't serve us, doesn't it?....And that might include accepting that some things are unforgivable to us.
And that it was life altering and some bits of residue from it may never entirely 'go away'.

Interesting, Treasur. H is toxic & the OW is a nuclear waste dump  And for me, staying away (not hard with a vanisher) is my way to deal with it. And, if I'm honest I haven't forgiven. I can make a grand statement of forgiveness--it's for me, not him, etc, etc. But that's not really what I believe. For true forgiveness, I would have to have some sort of R with him that involves his acknowledgement of his actions & their effects on his family, along with a big dollop of remorse.

Believing that will never happen, I don't see true forgiveness in the cards. And this may be why my therapist said, given how this all played out, I would never get closure--his owning up to his damaging actions with remorse, allowing then for an honest forgiveness on my part. That all sounds so healthy, but I don't see how that ever happens. It seems tough enough when reconciliations happen and truly impossible without.

[xyzcf]

you are the most normal person I've seen in this office...

 

[stillbaffled]

And for me, staying away (not hard with a vanisher) is my way to deal with it. And, if I'm honest I haven't forgiven. I can make a grand statement of forgiveness--it's for me, not him, etc, etc. But that's not really what I believe. For true forgiveness, I would have to have some sort of R with him that involves his acknowledgement of his actions & their effects on his family, along with a big dollop of remorse.

Believing that will never happen, I don't see true forgiveness in the cards. And this may be why my therapist said, given how this all played out, I would never get closure--his owning up to his damaging actions with remorse, allowing then for an honest forgiveness on my part. That all sounds so healthy, but I don't see how that ever happens. It seems tough enough when reconciliations happen and truly impossible without.

Pretty well sums up the way I feel about it as well, HT!  Very well said.