[KayDee]

No way was I exiting that conversation with that attorney thinking  my XH was a saint. His attorneys response. He may have been a horrible husband, but I have been in this business long enough to know that you must not have a halo of perfection over your head either. 

This sound so personal MD - like this guy has got his own axe to grind with someone not you. Possibly laced with misogyny. If we could hear his breathing now, I reckon we'd conclude 'projected rage' (I mean really!  He can read people's breathing down the phone  - he should have a stage show). Obviously it is completely and utterly unprofessional. He bullied you and made deeply personal comments. His job is to resolve the legal issue. Period. I can imagine this is triggering, but yes, you will bounce back.

[Treasur]

There must be some MLC lawyers out there too…..and birds of a feather etc etc….

[Reinventing]

MadLuv, I can't remember what country you live in, but an attorney is not allowed to speak directly to a client of another attorney. As in that is illegal. Are you in the US?

I’m sure your head knows, but his lawyer was just trying to batter and bully you. What he said was BS. And legally irrelevant.

Yes, well put. His goal was to elicit an emotional response from you. A bully through and through.

[forthetrees]

I´m sorry you were subjected to the bullying. My two cents: You pulled the lever of legal action to get him to comply with prior legal agreements and this is his reaction. He is too cowardly to confront the unsettled issues on his own (conflict avoidance) and therefore got a lawyer to be the bully. Perhaps ow/wife found him this particularly aggressive one as poor ex needed someone on his side to stand up to you. I think it shows that your ex is still in victim mode, still running from accountability and still unwilling to fulfill responsibilities. He effed you over in many ways but also signed a divorce agreement that seemingly runs in your favor. Too bad for him. He had the option of legal advice and he was not declared mentally incompetent. As they say, he made his bed and now he has to lie in it.

Can you continue forward with the small claims suit without communication with this lawyer? If a court date is set and he doesn´t show up but you do and you win, then what?

I get how these negative interactions replay in your mind and continue to be hurtful. Instead of allowing it to ruminate, how about changing to the perspective that you got under his skin and he is finally taking some action?

[MadLuv]

JB, Reinventing, Treasur, Kaydee-
Thank you so much. I needed to hear all those words and assurances. I am just sick that this keeps getting worse and it is very apparent when in May 2023 ( last time we spoke) that when I found out how long his flirting, affairs or indiscretion's had been going on and I told him that we could no longer be friends that this is how he has decided to pay me back as control. Whether that is the dismissal he wanted to fully run or it is just his covert narcissist avoidance approach.

This is small claims and not an enforcement of the decree, but trying to get him to react and resolve with it not costing me much money to file and when I sent the settlement offer behind the scenes of the court  ( trying to enforcement the decree ) the lawyer or him are allowed to contact me. However, the lawyer constantly stated things in the decree were not enforceable and then they were. It was clear he tried to intimidate me. He stated that he had never seen such a one sided divorce and Texas law would not have allowed that he may have been the worst husband ever he doesn’t know that and it doesn’t matter in Texas court.  An ax murderer would not been subjected to such a hatchet job.

Clearly, he did not hire and attorney and he signed the divorce. I don’t think someone how voluntarily signed an agreement should then be the victim and if his lawyer thinks he is ( which clearly he said it was obvious he had no legal representation) who’s fault it it? I said, he could have hired an attorney and he didn’t have to sign it. His lawyer said you’re right. So, in Texas even after 30 years I probably would not have got much and I am in fear this lawyer has told him that they can take me back to court and lower the payments and I think my XH is saying he doesn’t want to do that, but I can’t be sure.

If they take me back to court with his lowered salary I would get a considerable reduction and for leas years for sure. Also, his lawyer’s resolution to put my XH on the NFL account to pay direct and communicate direct does not resolve communication on game tickets and chiefs don't allow more than one person on the account. So, I really just wanted to not have to talk to him going further and hoping that he could advise and follow through with email response when needed.
This is not how I handle my relationships in life and I hate that I am tied this and that is of my doing. I am tempted to again offer that he not be on the account for the Chiefs and I release him from that obligation as I have before and he declined.

To me that would most easily resolve our communications issues going forward.  I told the attorney that  he may not see it by the decree but I was just protecting some of what we built and that I had only had love for my XH for the 30 years we had together and I don't nor never wanted this divorce or for this to happen and it was and is my greatest fear. The lawyer did state that he only knew me for an hour, but he believed me. ( he did turn around his attitude in the end) I will say also at one point in the conversation he said you appear to be an intelligent woman and then said, well, let me take that back. I don’t know that. It just seemed their were some things thrown in that were extremely not necessary and that then got me talking emotionally or bringing emotions on why to then have him say , ok, back to the point. I felt baited by his emotions jabs and then basically meant to feel I needed to defend my reasoning.

 It was just a horrible conversation with a professional until the end, but again it is clear his client let this divorce happen, signed it and then has been avoiding communication. Period. Fact. Yet, I am the problem. Disheartening. I am going to dismiss the case without prejudice which allows me to retile if they don't follow through, but shows that I am again trying to work with them.

[Treasur]

I am going to dismiss the case without prejudice which allows me to retile if they don't follow through,…..

Why?
Surely they/he have shown you their version of follow through already?

….,but shows that I am again trying to work with them.

And why do you need to show them that? Is it not the other way round after that call and your xh’s responses so far?

I would encourage you to do nothing at all for a week.
And then to talk to a lawyer about how to manage any risk if your xh tries to overturn the divorce agreement. And how to get the unfinished business finished.

Please take a moment to breathe and think and seek advice before reacting. Don’t be the one that blinks first.

[MadLuv]

The claim was to pay the chiefs and after I filed he started to pay and so it did resolve that. I charged him also for legal fees for a letter that would have to be e forced through family law not small claims.  He is handling the special warranty deed and that was a huge concern.

I have no idea if they will attempt to lower the payments, but his lawyer definitely thinks that he was wronged and by texas court and the loss of his job and lower income texas would most likely reduce and I dont want to poke that bear.

I am also thinking of offering him an “out” on the Chiefs tickets would be more than a 20% deduction yearly in what he pays me. I believe that will help keep them out of family court, but more importantly it will resolve my need for any communication with him. I truly just want to move on with my life and I wish he wasn’t still in a victim blame mode, but I am for sure that the lawyer has now given him more validation on why he should hate me.  I dont love my XH nor do I need him either, but more importantly allowing him to find ways to hurt me and then turn it on me and hide behind others is just not what I want to subject myself to .

I recorded the call with the lawyer. I have what he agreed to. It is a one state consent. So, if he doesn’t follow through then I will handle it, but I was able to refinance the house by showing my divorce decree and I bet I can sell it also that way. 

MyXH is not anyone I know anymore. He has no morals or empathy or integrity any longer.  I dont want to be a bitter person that cant forgive or allow those who don't understand the deep pain involved in a discard like this to blame me. It’s inhumane what he did and it took me so long to get to a place where I knew I would be ok. He isn’t taking that from me again.

One thing that finally sunk in for me is that who my XH is with is using him for money and he is using her for validation which only comes from materialism. She doesn’t care about him and he doesn’t really care about her, truly. They are surface level  people that  have no regard for others. I think they are each others karma

And, what is it about this 3 year mark!! Geezzz

[MadLuv]

My two cents: You pulled the lever of legal action to get him to comply with prior legal agreements and this is his reaction. He is too cowardly to confront the unsettled issues on his own (conflict avoidance) and therefore got a lawyer to be the bully. Perhaps ow/wife found him this particularly aggressive one as poor ex needed someone on his side to stand up to you. I think it shows that your ex is still in victim mode, still running from accountability and still unwilling to fulfill responsibilities. He effed you over in many ways but also signed a divorce agreement that seemingly runs in your favor. Too bad for him. He had the option of legal advice and he was not declared mentally incompetent. As they say, he made his bed and now he has to lie in it

Forthrtrees- I completely agree. OWife may have had a family member divorce in town and asked them about a lawyer. Normally I would say that he wouldn’t share this with her, but honestly I think he is now. I think he is in victim mode with her also. That’s how he manipulates. They still are not living together and she is driving  a Mercedes he bought and he doesn't insure her. He only insures himself on it, so that means she  has to have her own insurance. Paying twice. Smart!

I so will say that I found in Texas contractual divorce agreements can be lessoned with change of salary, but not if bills have increased due to a new marriage and personal purchases as he had the contract with me first. That was some what comforting.

In the end he continues to be someone else and the biggest determining  factor that no change is occurring is the disconnect from His own kids. His OWife’s oldest daughter is due with her baby next week ( the one that did drugs) its a boy and his grandson he left behind is a boy. I wonder if that will affect him in any way.

[MadLuv]

And……..he didn’t pay alimony.  He most likely will, but this is how he communicates to me. Either by non response or delayed alimony. It is his communication. It’s just the most juvenile thing. He is without a doubt getting worse. More avoidant, more defiant. If it wasn’t my life I would be so enthralled by the actions that tell his story, unfortunately I am to annoyed by his new self to  enjoy the analytical aspect of him at this point.  Some how I think he has some things up his sleeve for me. That attorney gave him some energy I think to combat me.

[MadLuv]

Another crazy update. XH did call and put a cc on my Chiefs account to pay going forward. They did not notify me and they said they do allow others to do that, but they don’t have access to anything else on the account. No access at all. The Chiefs put the CC on the account themselves. I stated that I should have been notified that someone is paying on my account either way.

If I was a guessing woman I would assume his lawyer said, take care of that and handle the special warranty deed so you show you handled what you were to do and then we can take her back to court and adjust the payments. The good thing is that it is a court ordered contractual alimony, so now all they can lower it to is 20% of his current gross salary and for 7 years.

My argument is that I would get 10 years if I would not have rushed for this agreement as we would have been married 30 years  as  state here goes by  10, 20, 30.  I would also advise that my payment from the 401k would have been more, he hid finances and CC. So, I may loose some money it he does and legal fees for sure, but he will not be able to get out of it and I will still  will get more than if we had ever let a judge decide.

As the pages turn……