1
Our Community / Aliens stole my W!!!!! Part 15: "Who's the Master? Sho'Nuff!!!"
« Latest by Standing Strong on April 27, 2024, 09:52:12 PM »Hey F5 I hope you're doing good my friend
Journaling:
Today is my 5 year anniversary of BD!!!
Hard to believe so much time has gone by, I can scarcely recognize the person I was at the beginning next to the person I am now...... the same, and not.
Back then I was so worried about saving the marriage, and so concerned about "how long with this take?", "what about OM?", "what about vows, love, history......" on and on........ It had to be that way, but it sure wasn't fun.
The best time of my life is here right now, and ahead of me. I'm very blessed. Doesn't mean much hasn't been sacrificed - it has (and then some)..... but it has absolutely been worth it.
Shocking.... 5 years..... it some ways it has gone by so fast, and in some ways so slow. It is curious. I suppose it is the work which takes so long, and it certainly is the journey and not the destination which is so important (and rewarding). I have to say, I'm fortunate and lucky to experience MLC from this perspective and not from the broken-down person side. What I have gained I value beyond measure. The future, no matter what, is very bright.
On to W!!! Almost there, almost there...... each time I think "she's almost there", I learn how much more she has to go!!! HA!!! The signs are all there, the changes are happening (most are done), and right when I think she just has to turn the light on and "Get it", there is more to the race, more distance to traverse, more fear to overcome.
She is at the point of being too fearful to reach out and connect to those she abandoned...... and this has to be one of the main final things to do. Her values are back, her thinking is back, memories are back, mannerisms back, smiles back, concern for others back...... so close, just that pesky finish line to drag herself over (something I can't do - nor would allow myself to do). At the end is the avoidance of what has been done and acknowledgement of pain inflicted, oh I can't imagine how hard that would be to take responsibility and accountability for it...... she is at this point: it is known but unspoken. To admit would be to open the dam to a flood of consequence.... and I will allow this to continue for a time, and if she doesn't open the flood gates: I will. I'm proud she has come this far - I know it has been hell, and I know another hell will come when that last wall is broken down.
It is an interesting thing to think about though: what will happen then? Will "we" survive? Or be swept away by consequence? HA!! "We".... "we" was destroyed - can there be "we 2.0"? I know for certain she is very afraid of this, and a big reason why she is avoiding it. I on the other hand am not really concerned one way or the other. Everything has changed because I have changed. I no longer "need". I don't think she does either. My expectations of another human has dramatically fallen, and I accept that people are just people: flaws and all, even if some are beyond reason. I know I have done my part, and had I not: she would have been lost forever many times over. In that respect, have I truly loved and upheld my promises? Yes. Oh yes. Do I expect anyone to ever do the same for me? No. That time has passed, it shall never come again. What I dreamed of having, I didn't have, and never did.... I projected what I was onto her, and expected her to be what I thought she should be. This was not right, but I didn't know any better. I had a broken woman from the start, and it was always her future to crack and buckle under her own stress. It was never my place or purpose to fix and mend her core self (even thought I thought it was thru love). It was my place and purpose to be unbroken so that she could have a chance to mend herself. She got her chance, and used it.
Well, here's to 5 years...... figured I'm come and let my brain dump out whatever is in it. HA!!!
One day, One year, at a time....
-SS
Journaling:
Today is my 5 year anniversary of BD!!!
Hard to believe so much time has gone by, I can scarcely recognize the person I was at the beginning next to the person I am now...... the same, and not.
Back then I was so worried about saving the marriage, and so concerned about "how long with this take?", "what about OM?", "what about vows, love, history......" on and on........ It had to be that way, but it sure wasn't fun.
The best time of my life is here right now, and ahead of me. I'm very blessed. Doesn't mean much hasn't been sacrificed - it has (and then some)..... but it has absolutely been worth it.
Shocking.... 5 years..... it some ways it has gone by so fast, and in some ways so slow. It is curious. I suppose it is the work which takes so long, and it certainly is the journey and not the destination which is so important (and rewarding). I have to say, I'm fortunate and lucky to experience MLC from this perspective and not from the broken-down person side. What I have gained I value beyond measure. The future, no matter what, is very bright.
On to W!!! Almost there, almost there...... each time I think "she's almost there", I learn how much more she has to go!!! HA!!! The signs are all there, the changes are happening (most are done), and right when I think she just has to turn the light on and "Get it", there is more to the race, more distance to traverse, more fear to overcome.
She is at the point of being too fearful to reach out and connect to those she abandoned...... and this has to be one of the main final things to do. Her values are back, her thinking is back, memories are back, mannerisms back, smiles back, concern for others back...... so close, just that pesky finish line to drag herself over (something I can't do - nor would allow myself to do). At the end is the avoidance of what has been done and acknowledgement of pain inflicted, oh I can't imagine how hard that would be to take responsibility and accountability for it...... she is at this point: it is known but unspoken. To admit would be to open the dam to a flood of consequence.... and I will allow this to continue for a time, and if she doesn't open the flood gates: I will. I'm proud she has come this far - I know it has been hell, and I know another hell will come when that last wall is broken down.
It is an interesting thing to think about though: what will happen then? Will "we" survive? Or be swept away by consequence? HA!! "We".... "we" was destroyed - can there be "we 2.0"? I know for certain she is very afraid of this, and a big reason why she is avoiding it. I on the other hand am not really concerned one way or the other. Everything has changed because I have changed. I no longer "need". I don't think she does either. My expectations of another human has dramatically fallen, and I accept that people are just people: flaws and all, even if some are beyond reason. I know I have done my part, and had I not: she would have been lost forever many times over. In that respect, have I truly loved and upheld my promises? Yes. Oh yes. Do I expect anyone to ever do the same for me? No. That time has passed, it shall never come again. What I dreamed of having, I didn't have, and never did.... I projected what I was onto her, and expected her to be what I thought she should be. This was not right, but I didn't know any better. I had a broken woman from the start, and it was always her future to crack and buckle under her own stress. It was never my place or purpose to fix and mend her core self (even thought I thought it was thru love). It was my place and purpose to be unbroken so that she could have a chance to mend herself. She got her chance, and used it.
Well, here's to 5 years...... figured I'm come and let my brain dump out whatever is in it. HA!!!
One day, One year, at a time....
-SS