[John T]

As requested a new thread.

Old thread:  https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=11550.msg773720#top

[5hilmerton]

Following your journey

5hil

[PJ Ames]

Following along!

[UrsaMajor]

Following along .....

@Seahorse.... I've been a bit busy lately.... http://www.esa.int/Applications/Observing_the_Earth/Copernicus/Sentinel-6

[Seahorse]

Following along .....

@Seahorse.... I've been a bit busy lately.... http://www.esa.int/Applications/Observing_the_Earth/Copernicus/Sentinel-6

@UM - I doubted that you were just a slacker!

Sea

[John T]

I saw pressure and how it eats away you ,I made a conscious decision to not let other people's pressure impact on my life .

[Seahorse]

John T -
That's a good decision.
How are you doing otherwise?
Post and let us know...

[John T]

I tend to be replaying the conversations I've had with her , but I keep telling myself I can't change what's happened and have to let my marriage go and work on myself.

[John T]

In my last conversation with my W she said she's ' flaky and unreliable ' not fully sure I understand what that meant .Any ideas please
I've been thinking about the future and thinking ahead only very slightly, this is a change for me as I'm not stuck in the' what if' world

[Treasur]

Sometimes in the middle of the maelstrom, these folks do hiccup up a bit of truth imho. Not always intentionally, usually not constructively with a 'so what I'm going to do better is...', often doesn't last long, , just a statement in the moment really like 'the sun is shining'.  (I remember my xh saying two things in the early days before he stopped talking to me at all, both of which were quite true...that he could not be trusted with our relationship and that he wasn't the same person anymore.)

So what it means? It means that your w - at the moment - thinks she is flaky and unreliable. Which is probably from your POV completely accurate. And why nothing really important in your life or sanity should be contingent on anything she says or does. No more mind reading needed than that, I'd suggest, John. 

[John T]

I've seen pressure and stress take hold of a work colleague,  I watched and listened to him and it hit home that's how I was in the past ,as part of my self education and learning I'm adamant I want to keep calm and relaxed what real good does stressing yourself out most things aren't that important really .

[readytofixmyselffirst]

Hello,

I've been thinking about the future and thinking ahead only very slightly, this is a change for me as I'm not stuck in the' what if' world

This is a strong growth as you are living in the now not the past or the future.  While you need to spend some time reflecting and some time planning and envisioning, the majority has to be spent living and doing in the now.

as part of my self education and learning I'm adamant I want to keep calm and relaxed what real good does stressing yourself out most things aren't that important really .

If I took anything from my individual counseling, it was that I sensed a lot of lack of control and therefore I tried to clamp down on what I felt I could control. This did not bring out the best in me. I remember clear the aha moment when she said, "People won't remember the event, they will just remember how you acted."

Keeps me in check to this day. The other thing is that how your respond has much stronger influence on others than trying to force compliance.

And you are absolutely right that many things are not really important. You are doing so well and I wish you a fantastic weekend!

((((((Ready)))))

[John T]

I seem to getting little memory flashbacks to my W and the things we did together , it feels like I'm collecting my memories and putting them away in a draw .

[John T]

I am working with a different guy at the moment, everything I do is wrong ,instead of reacting I just carry on doing my job if he points out a better way to do it I will alter to suit the request his apprentice has just quit on him . I will not let this get on top of me .

[John T]

I've been looking at myself I've realised my maturity level is not the same as that of  my peers , some of my stress come from being rushed which goes back to my childhood, when I'm rushed I become a headless chicken .

I'm consciously  pushing pressure away from me ,I'm noticing an inner calm and a form of contentment.

I'm still very hurt by my brake up , I keep telling myself  I can't do anything about what has happened only look after me.

[FaithWalker]

All very normal, JT.  Feeling very hurt is normal.  But you are so correct, what happened was out of your control.  And it's important to look after you.

Pushing pressure away and finding inner calm and contentment is good!  It's hard, but the rewards are so worth it.

[readytofixmyselffirst]

Hello,

So much of this is very raw and tender as you navigate past bomb drop.

when I'm rushed I become a headless chicken .

Believe me, you are not the only one. My worst decisions are the ones that I rushed through. I find that even though some people demand a response from me, I am better to ignore them and take the time to ponder all my options first.

I'm consciously  pushing pressure away from me ,I'm noticing an inner calm and a form of contentment.

This is good, because this is about you and how you can find peace and calm during the storm. This will help you- not just for MLC, but many issues that you face in life.

I know you hurt, but you are doing really well and your mindset is much further ahead of me at your point of the crisis.

Keep thinking on how to heal yourself first and get yourself through a day with no pain. With the work you are doing, it will come.

(((((Ready)))))

[John T]

I've been rereading the posts on my thread with a different and more neutral view , I'm mentally going through everything and looking at how I can change for the better .

My W has not been in contact for around a month and I've not contacted her as I know this is the right thing to do,it hurts I to accept I have to leave her be to choose her own life .

[John T]

My W just told me she's seeing om again (for her sins her words) it's like she can't leave it alone

[Seahorse]

John T -
I am SO SO Sorry to hear that.
Limerence is an addiction and it's so difficult to give up those hormonal highs.
The spouse thinks that they can give the AP up, but like a drug addiction, they always go back unless they have appropriate help and do the hard work required to look at their broken-self.

I'm attaching a good article on limerence.  Although it doesn't go into the back-and-forth cycling, I think it's a good description of what limerence is.
Be especially gentle on yourself today.  This is a very tough (although not unusual) thing to hear.

Sending you hugs and healing.

Sea

https://loverelations.co.uk/the-limerence-affair/

[MantellyExhausted]

What honestly made me feel better about the OM is when I looked at the relationship as nothing more than a symptom of the MLC, not the reason.  Like having diarrhea when you have the stomach bug.  When the stomach bug goes away, so does the diarrhea (OM)

[OffRoad]

Keep taking care of you JohnT. You didn't cause her to find an OM, you can't change anyone but you.

This becomes more difficult, because you might now second guess yourself in every situation, not just the one with your W.  I went through a spell where it was hard to speak up for myself in a calm manner when someone was trying to tell me what I was doing was incorrect, when I knew full well it was correct. It was a learning experience to get back to assertive as opposed to passive because I was afraid I would blow up. I had to relearn my own worth, as it were. My worth is not/ was not based on the actions of my now XH.

Also, what MantellyExhausted said is quite true. What the MLCer does is not about us. It's about the MLCer trying to find a way to what they THINK is "happiness", however each one defines it. We are collateral damage in their inner fight against themselves, imo.

Do what you need to do to get yourself on an even keel. Remember,  today you can be NC, next week you can be dim, the following week something else.

[readytofixmyselffirst]

Hello,

I am so sorry that this happened to you. I have been in the same place. Told no more OM and then finding out that they were back again. Or did he  ever leave?

MLCer lie and that is why you can't try to read them or anticipate their progress through their crisis. Go dim or dark....even NC, do it to detach so that your w can't hurt you even more.

It's been ten years for me and while my ex and I at an uneasy peace and act friendly to each other, I still don't trust her....not one bit.

Be really good to yourself and heal.

((((((Ready))))))

[John T]

My w has started emailing me ,it's like she's checking up on me

[readytofixmyselffirst]

Hello,

Thus begins the cycle. My question to you, why is she trying to email you? What does she seek? What does she need? I am not trying to get you to focus on her, but to start thinking how you can detach from her and the situation.

Did she email you that she was seeing OM?  It seems she cuts you first and then offers a band-aid. At the moment, is this a person you want to be involved with?

My advice is to go slow and you decide if and when you will respond to her. Don't become her parent-despite her depression, she is still responsible for her actions and decisions.

Keep taking care of yourself, you are doing very well,

((((Ready))))

[John T]

The original email was about a bike that's in storage at her mum's holiday home , she'd been to check on her mum's place and the bike. Then she starts telling me about her TV viewing horse riding stuff, her cars cost some money etc just general chit chat. I made a point of not asking how she was, so then asks how am i have been to to the gym.

The next email was about our first home together, it's come up for sale .

She did inform me by email about the OM I didn't respond to that , I tend to answer like for like now .

I feel she gets moments of clarity and wants to check the bridge is still there .

[John T]

She came around tonight with a birthday present and card for me ,she emailed to ask if I wanted a Christmas tree from storage at my old home .she seemed cheerful and was asking about my family ,not sure what to make of if anything.

[readytofixmyselffirst]

Hello,

It's hard to make of anything that they think of. I mean, it is a combination of crazy and sanity. What's wrong with a wife that emails you and buys you a gift? Then again this very same person is seeing someone else and telling you that it's all over.

When she brings you a gift, it's hard not to become connected again, to have those feelings come alive, to sense hope. Then the back of your brain reminds the hopeful side that this isn't real and the reality is that she isn't with you. It builds a crisis in yourself. One side wants to hug and the other side wants to shove her out the door.

Yes, she is checking in on you- making sure you are right where she left you.

So how do you detach? You minimalize the hope as something nice and you minimalize the hurt by expecting it. If you set you mind to accept any situation from her, then you can't get sucked in. That your world can get better with or without her.

Now, my question for you- are you going to get her a Christmas gift? Is she going to get a gift for you? If you do, what are you planning to give her? In my situation, I had young children....they deserved a Christmas so everyone had a gift. I don't think my ex really cared, but she played her part.

Think it through and post what you plan on doing. Maybe other can chime in with advice as I never really addressed it when I had my wallower and you apparently have a clinger.

Keep posting and going strong. With all the cray cray around you, you are doing very well.

((((Ready))))

[John T]

No presents will be given by me , I got her a card and it simply said to a special friend , I don't think wife is appropriate

I made a point of not talking relationship,and om stuff , she even asked about my mum which she hasn't done, wanted pictures of my 6 week old granddaughter.

[PJ Ames]

Catching up John T. So sorry you're going through all this. It really, really sucks.

She came around tonight with a birthday present and card for me ,she emailed to ask if I wanted a Christmas tree from storage at my old home .she seemed cheerful and was asking about my family ,not sure what to make of if anything.

"If anything" is right. Making nothing of it might be the way to go. This kind of stuff is difficult. I'm almost 4-years post-BD and I still struggle with how to respond to her alternating between crazy and normal. On one hand, I want to be a kind and peaceful man. So I want to respond to cheerfulness and friendly overtures with kindness. But on the other hand, I want to be an honest man, so I don't want to pretend like everything is OK. And I'm not interested in helping her feel less guilty for putting me and the kids through hell. So anything more than being respectful and polite seems wrong to me too.

I think you're handling things well. I would encourage you to find calmness within  yourself and then trust your instincts about what to make of what she says and does. If anything.

Be good to yourself.

[readytofixmyselffirst]

Hello,

No presents will be given by me , I got her a card and it simply said to a special friend , I don't think wife is appropriate

Good idea. Friendly, but not over the top. Doesn't come across as mean or manipulative. Good job!

((((Ready))))

[John T]

I think I've finally got an understanding of ' I love you but am not in love with you ' to me it means that sexual attraction has diminished and that's when the OW/OM come into focus and they then crave that other person with no firm basis other than a teenage buzz you get from someone new.

[UrsaMajor]

I think I've finally got an understanding of ' I love you but am not in love with you ' to me it means that sexual attraction has diminished and that's when the OW/OM come into focus and they then crave that other person with no firm basis other than a teenage buzz you get from someone new.

Yeah, that is one part of it... The "You don't make my bits quiver anymore" teenager nonsense... Among other things... but it is really all just a justification, an excuse, for them to do whatever it is they are doing...

[PJ Ames]

I think I've finally got an understanding of ' I love you but am not in love with you ' to me it means that sexual attraction has diminished and that's when the OW/OM come into focus and they then crave that other person with no firm basis other than a teenage buzz you get from someone new.

Yeah. And, beyond just the sexual buzz, there's the excitement from the newness and irresponsibility of it. For example, the affair partner might act like just as much of a teenager as the MLCer. Broken finds broken. Meanwhile, the LBS spends their time doing boring grown-up things like paying bills, folding socks or mowing the lawn.

Keep being strong and growing through this John T. You're doing well.

[readytofixmyselffirst]

Hello,

Yeah. And, beyond just the sexual buzz, there's the excitement from the newness and irresponsibility of it.

Yep, hit this one straight on. It's not about sex, its more about feeling sexy.

As PJ stated, you are doing very well.  I really like the Christmas card idea. Would have done that myself years ago when dealing with my MLCer.

Have an awesome Christmas!

(((((Ready)))))

[John T]

So I've stayed NC and she contacted me on  New year's eve to wish me well to which I replied in the same friendly manner, tonight I get an email entitled ' checking in 'she been asking how I'm doing etc ,so again I've replied in a light hearted manner .Most of our contact has been for a reason ,then it gets all friendly, but tonight there was no reason to get in touch

My birthday is just before Christmas I got a simple present and a card .

Does she seem to be reaching out a little bit  ?

[OffRoad]

Hi John T,

It sounds like she is just trying to be "friends". Because if you are friends, then what she has done is not so bad, you see. It is up to you if you what kind of relationship you want to have with her.  You can be friends, just be friendly, only answer when she contacts you first, only answer if it is important, go No Contact. Whatever it is that works for you.

Take what you get as exactly what you see: she wishes you well. I doubt there is any other underlying thought behind it. (except maybe "I wish you well so I don't have to feel bad about what I have done.")

[John T]

My W has been emailing constantly for 3 days mostly trivial stuff . I'm staying cool and reserved and only reply like for like.

[PJ Ames]

My W has been emailing constantly for 3 days mostly trivial stuff . I'm staying cool and reserved and only reply like for like.

Well done, good sir.

How is John T doing? Aside from your relationship with your W. Any new hobbies or interests? What are you doing to stay healthy and well?

[John T]

I'm doing ok thanks ,here in the UK we are back in lockdown again so the hobbies I'd started have stopped again, Gym and Golf , I'm just taking it easy and relaxing.

[readytofixmyselffirst]

Hello,

I'm doing ok thanks ,here in the UK we are back in lockdown again so the hobbies I'd started have stopped again, Gym and Golf , I'm just taking it easy and relaxing.

It's good to take a moment and relax and take it easy. Just as long as you are focused on your healing and regaining your sense of control in a senseless situation.

Keep posting,

((((Ready))))

[UrsaMajor]

John,

Trying to make sense of what a Mid-Lifer is doing at any point in time is like trying to taste green with your elbow....

She may be trying to alleviate her guilt by being "friends."
She may be anchor checking to see if you are still where she left you (safe on the porch in a pile of goopy Kleenexes in a rocking chair crocheting lace doilies and waiting for her to return)
She may simply be chattering away for lack of anything else pressing
She may simply be bored and not have anyone else that she can spontaneously reach out to.... 

There is NO way to know what is going on in the fog....

So.... Like Ready said, it's all good so long as you are focused on your own healing and regaining your sense of control over the one thing you really have control over - yourself, your emotional health, and your own life.....

[John T]

My W wanted to get in touch by phone about, passwords I'd left on an iPad I'd given her, so we had a chat about all sorts , she told me what her world was like these days , no mention of the OM ,she was all friendly and asking about what I'm up to an hour phone call .She gave the impression she's a bit lonely .

[readytofixmyselffirst]

Hello,

First of all, you are doing great. You didn't get sucked into a relationship talk, but you listened and were friendly, but not friends. I am sorry that she is lonely, but that was a choice she made and their are consequences to choices.

Note it as a positive, but don't put too much faith into anything she says. As I have stated before and will state again, take care of yourself and keep a positive attitude on what you can control.

((((Ready))))

[John T]

I've properly reached detachment


It's not something you can make a decision to do in mental cut off . I've found that memories that are painful at first seem to ease and one by one they get put in a box which is of your marriage and the grieving process moves on
Your future starts to come into focus for the first time , the burden of pain becomes manageable and your mental  strength returns with added strength.

[OffRoad]

I am so glad for you, JohnT. It's not an easy process and comes with time. How are you doing in general?

[John T]

I'm feeling much better now and am coping well with the separation,and no longer feel it's the end of the world .
Every one says detach it can't just be done it builds slowly like everything in this process it's time .

[Standing Strong]

Get to hear JT 

Very difficult process detachment is. Congrats!!

Hope it's getting easier and more attention put on yourself.

Right on!

-SS

[John T]

Starting to notice my improvements in me , swapped a heating radiator over today something I've never done before,  took my time firstly and did everything in a logical order put the new one on and it leaked slightly (My fault) instead of getting annoyed with myself I took it apart and resealed the leak and it worked. A sense of achievement.

A side note my mlc w is getting in contact about all sorts of things , she phoned me in a panic thinking she'd upset me with a comment  which she hadn't, I could hear the panic and fear in her voice . I'm just detaching from her and letting her find her own path . I always answer her , I won't ask about us . She tried to fix a plumbing problem at her place, after a few attempts I offered  to help

[readytofixmyselffirst]

Hello,

swapped a heating radiator over today something I've never done before,

Great job, I learned to make minor repairs on my car. I replaced my brakes and started changing my own oil. It is a great sense of accomplishment when everything comes together.  Even when things don't go right. The other day, I was replacing the rotors to my car and stripped one of the screws holding the rotor. However, I used my friend Youtube and a trip to home depot and got the little monster out. Once again, great feeling as I saw that screw come out.

A side note my mlc w is getting in contact about all sorts of things , she phoned me in a panic thinking she'd upset me with a comment  which she hadn't, I could hear the panic and fear in her voice .

Yes, she is panicking because you are no longer jumping at her whims. Fear is beginning to set in when the reality is that you were not the source of all her issues. That there is something else at play. Her issue is all about questioning who she is and her sense of self. It's like my house, its getting old and needs work. A person can either put the time in and repair the house, add some paint, build a new door, and slowly but surely move forward. The MLCer decides to raze the entire house and start from scratch.

Both work, but which one is harder?

Keep posting and I am glad to hear from you,

((((Ready)))))

[John T]

Thank you ready a nice uplifting reply.
No matter what happens I've now got the inner strength to carry on ,it's in part due to the unending support I've received.

[Kimber]

The MLCer decides to raze the entire house and start from scratch.

Difference being, the new one they put up has an even bigger crack in the foundation, same leaky roof and same lack of attention to the squared corners.

It's just gonna take a little while to notice, what with the new wood floors and fancy front door.

[John T]

I went around to my mlc wife's  house to get her vintage moped going . We got into a chat and I said she'd part exchanged me for someone else she wouldn't answer at first but said well not really it was crushing her to admit what has happened in the last 18 months
She admitted she's had/having an mlc the perimenopause stage has lead to her depression this all came out without me saying anything. I could sense massive regrets in her tone and body language.

She has made my granddaughter some booties ,and me some sunglasses bags

[Disillusioned]

My STBXW placed a lot of blame early on after BD on menopause.  She certainly was experiencing perimenopausal symptoms for several years after the birth of our daughter.

I posted an article from Oprah Winfrey a year or two ago about female MLC and there was a section about menopause in that article, as well.

It's a possible contributing factor, but I think many women without FOO issues can go through menopause without going off the rails.  Character and integrity are far more important than hormonal changes, IMO.

[marvin4242]

My STBXW placed a lot of blame early on after BD on menopause.  She certainly was experiencing perimenopausal symptoms for several years after the birth of our daughter.

I posted an article from Oprah Winfrey a year or two ago about female MLC and there was a section about menopause in that article, as well.

It's a possible contributing factor, but I think many women without FOO issues can go through menopause without going off the rails.  Character and integrity are far more important than hormonal changes, IMO.

I in no way intend to "defend" MLCers and their actions. We all know how they are selfish, incorrect, harmful and wrong in so many ways. But I do have to take issue with the idea that is it about "character" and "integrity." I am not talking about all MLCers, as it has been said many times there are people who become a**holes when MLC hits, and there are a**holes who have MLC. There is no one single answer. But assuming the person was NOT a narcissist, did have value systems and acted with care and compassion for others before MLC then I have to say its not about integrity and characters. In my opinion MLC in these cases is a major psychological event. I don't mean a singular diagnosis or disease. Rather something that they have been papering over, working around, hiding, and even pretending is not there comes to a crises and they tend to have a fracture. The most visible element is the pain, the anger, the lack of empathy and the memory issues. They also tend to spend a lot of their time in a form of dissociative state (shark eyes, confusion, lack of caring). I do not believe that this would be avoided by saying if they have more character or integrity it would not happened. And yes, hormonal changes and maybe even depression of life events may accelerate this process but I do not believe it can cause it.

However if you spouse is not actually having a crises, if they are simply walk away, were tired of the relationship, or had to integrity and compassion and just were faking it then yes, character and integrity defines it well. But then in my world they are not having what we call "MLC" here.

And I'll emphasize NONE of this to me absolves them of the responsibility for the damage they do to their families and others. I for one believe the LBS needs to detach, protect themselves and their families emotionally and financially immediately, whether they want to stand or not. And hold their MLCers fully responsible for their actions. Both for their own sake and for the sake of MLCers. Because it is not a kindness to try to "protect" them from what is happening, you can only protect yourself.

[John T]

So a little update my w is emailing me frequently and talking about things we would have talked about as a couple . She making a quilt for my granddaughter her choice to make it , I got a heavy cold she bought medicine and a golf magazine around despite me saying I was fine .

I've recently started looking at myself again and starting to look at how I handle stress.

[John T]

Well all contact has stopped rather suddenly with no apparent reason.

[readytofixmyselffirst]

Hello,

When a person is in a state of emotional reactions and emotional upheavals expect the unexpected. Just keep moving forward and focus on you and your actions. Then the randomness of your w won't impact you as deeply.

Enjoy your day,

((((Ready))))

[John T]

Thanks Ready  your words help me steer a steady course.

[OffRoad]

It's been said on other threads, and in my case at least was true, that there is no point in trying to second guess what your MLCER is doing. Anything we think of is what WE would be thinking or doing. It could be accurate or not.

If we have taken monkey braining about other people out of our situation, then we are left with ourselves. What works for you when you are stressed? What doesn't? Are you one to bury your head in the sand and hope it passes, meet something head on, or somewhere down the middle?  How do you want to live YOUR life, knowing that at this time you cannot depend on your wife for anything, but also knowing she may pop up from time to time? Do you want to set some boundaries around what you will allow for your own sanity?

A lot of times, people think they are just going with the flow and don't realize that what is good for them might be being trampled on including trampling on one's self. Example from other stories I have read over the years at various places :waiting for phone calls from the mlcer instead of going out with a friend. Letting the mlcer insult, yell, devalue you because they are "unwell" or you are afraid you will "push them away" (call people on bad behavior or they will keep doing it. Calling people on bad behavior does not have to be harsh, either.). Trying to be "the nice guy" and losing what you deserve or legally should have. Placing any importance on mlcer small talk, other than it keeps communication open. Letting your enjoyment of life slip away while waiting for the mlcer to decide what they are going to do.

Getting derailed from time to time does allow us to stop and think before getting back on the track. When you think about YOU and what you need, there can only be an upside, imo.

[John T]

Thank you off-road for your words
Im working on me and seeing some pleasing results of my own progress , I'm taking her contact as it comes and trying to see it for what it is as keeping communication open .

[John T]

Contact has dropped virtually nothing from her , im not contacting her im feeling a little detached

[PJ Ames]

Im working on me and seeing some pleasing results of my own progress

Just catching up. I would like to hear more about your own progress. Do you have a new hobby, fitness routine or something? Or just getting back to feeling like yourself?

[John T]

Im working on parts of my character to let more things go and not get stressed so easily,( I'm not some Tasmanian devil 😊)  I've sat back and watched what sets people's anger off . Im only involving myself with things I can control and letting uncontrollable stuff go .

Im still trying to hit a golf ball (straight is the aim) . I've been going to the gym and have gained some new muscles and fitness levels.

[PJ Ames]

Im working on parts of my character to let more things go and not get stressed so easily,( I'm not some Tasmanian devil 😊)  I've sat back and watched what sets people's anger off . Im only involving myself with things I can control and letting uncontrollable stuff go .

Im still trying to hit a golf ball (straight is the aim) . I've been going to the gym and have gained some new muscles and fitness levels.

Great! Keep up the good work!

[John T]

The support and encouragement I've received from you all is an immense help
Thank you all

[MadLuv]

JT-  Sounds like there is GOOD focus on YOU is happening. That has recently been a life saver for me. Reading, learning, fitness!! Nothing better than using this time to become the best version of YOU

[John T]

I'm gently and progressively changing to become that better person .
My detachment comes in cycles of sadness with has happened but accepting it's her issues not mine and to let go and herself.

[John T]

Hello again
I've been rereading my comments from everyone ,as I've now got more emotional strength and re examine my role in the separation,  some of the comments and advice made make more sense to me as I can see this with a clearer view .

The main thing is to detach and leave alone with her thoughts and feelings. I can accept I've unwittingly been a factor in her MLC, I've read and absorbed a huge amount of information to better help me cope with this life event . She mentioned her moped not starting again due to a lack of use , I resisted the urge to offer my help which is an alien concept for me not to help . A neighbour was dropping hints about needing help with things and again I stepped away from his problems.

[5hilmerton]

Hey JT,
You are so right in that the comments are there when we are ready. IMHO we must know enough about MLC and be in the right place within ourselves to fully value the comments and wisdom provided.  I too spend a lot of time going back over my comments from the beginning until now.  Funny thing is i have the aha moments now instead of earlier when the comments were just words.

It sounds like you are moving forward and are finding your internal strength that was always there.  Wishing you the very best on your Journey.

5hil

[Hoosier Daddy]

JT,

Yes time is our friend.  Allows us to understand things much better.  I am coming up on two years since BD and am in a much better place as well.

May you continue to grow.

Are you still seeing the old flame?

HD

[John T]

Old flame ?

[Hoosier Daddy]

Old flame ?

Sorry JT I think I confused you with another poster.

HD

[John T]

I seem to be facing up to some painful realities of the situation I'm in and accepting my role in our break up and accepting our marriage is over and that we could never be same again and I'm no longer wanted in her life .

 This whole process feels like your dropped into a maze and no matter which way you turn the answers aren't there that you want no matter which way you turn.

[MadLuv]

JT-
That seems for all of us to be the hardest thing to get past. We all want answers and we can’t get them, because the one person that we would need to provide them don’t have the answers for themselves. If they did we wouldn’t be in the situation. For me I found myself asking the same questions over and over and realizing not only will I not get them, but at this point it doesn’t matter. We are here.

So, we can only control how we move forward. Taking the focus off the MLC’r and putting the focus back on US is the hardest thing to do. I agree with so many wise people on this forum. We have to move forward like they are never coming back, because they may not. I think for me focusing on who they are now instead of who they were has been the most helpful. The person that they are now is not someone I want to spend the rest of my life with. That person is hurting me. The person I loved would never hurt me. 

[John T]

Some thought provoking words Tonup.
 I had no idea how long this process is/would take and the extremely slow progress to just detach.

[John T]

In the last few weeks I've come to an acceptance of the ending of my marriage and an acceptance that I'm clearly feeling detachment from my W .I now understand you can't have one without the other.

I enjoy being calm it gives me an inner peace and better clearer thinking .

The work colleague who was getting me to try and do his work , no longer tries to off load on me after setting firm boundaries without getting angry with him. The other colleague who tried bullying me was reported for bullying by 3 separate people,I had no involvement in this .

[PJ Ames]

Your work stories remind me of something Ursa Major once told me: "You don't go through hell and back without acquiring transferable skills." Congrats on being calm and thinking clearly.

I'm glad you've come to a place of acceptance about your marriage. You may never get closure or resolution. I sure as hell haven't But once you come to a place of acceptance, you'll be able to move forward in your life without that heavy baggage weighing you down.

Keep up the good work!

[John T]

My W has just messaged after a month of NC with usual chat , but she's asking if I could move the motorbikes out from my old garage or at least put a security post in to protect the garage , she doesn't want om van on her drive any more , sounds like that dying a death .
She's said she can be out of the way if needed .

Is this her clearing me away for good ?

Could it be withdrawal  ?

[marvin4242]

John: it can be anything and nothing, I honestly would not try to ascribe any "stage," "motivation" or even thought to it. Trying to guess what is going on in MLCers mind is, as Ursa Major says SO perfectly, like trying to taste green with your elbow.

Do what you want to do, and don't try to analyze or read tea leaves. That way lies madness indeed.

Hope you are doing ok.

[PJ Ames]

Marvin is right. It can be highly significant or of no consequence whatsoever. Try not to make yourself crazy reading between the lines. And as always - respond not react.

[UrsaMajor]

It is probably nothing more than she doesn't want OM's van in her driveway...

The security Post to keep OM from parking and the Motorcycles in the garage have absolutely NOTHING to do with each other, nothing in common, except that both ideas originated in the Swiss-Cheese-Brain of a Mid-Lifer.... I mean, will a Security Post keep you from accessing the bikes? No. Will your moving the bikes somewhere prevent OM from parking his van in the driveway? Also no.... The only common thing MIGHT be if she wants his van to "disappear"  when he is there so wants the garage clear so he can park inside but I kind of doubt that... Otherwise, the Post option wouldn't BE an option.....

Just more spew from the

[John T]

She wants rid of his van that was there to make it hard to access the garage, she's suggesting rehoming some of my motorbikes if that's not possible then putting a security post in to protect the garage form being opened to stop the bikes being stolen .There was no direct ' I want your stuff gone .The garage can't be used to fit a car in .

 It seems like the OM is no longer wanted in her life by the way she phrased the email .

Maybe I'm jumping to conclusions 🤔

[OffRoad]

What I heard was van leaving, garage has no lock and could be opened(?), warning you that someone could steal your bikes if you don't move them or put a security post in  (which I'm not sure I understand- but my garage has a lock and no one could get in so nothing is in danger).

In MLC  this could translate to being concerned for your property to wanting the space to clearing out EVERYONES vehicles to it's Thursday so why not. Bottom line, if the bikes are important to you, make sure they are safe. That is really all you need to concern yourself with unless she really just wants a security post. She'll need to ask for that specifically if that is what she wants, though. It's not your job to guess.

[John T]

My W has just messaged after a month of NC with usual chat , but she's asking if I could move the motorbikes out from my old garage or at least put a security post in to protect the garage , she doesn't want om van on her drive any more , sounds like that dying a death .
She's said she can be out of the way if needed .

Is this her clearing me away for good

[Thunder]

Hi John, I guess I would just ignore her request.

Just make sure the garage is locked up.

[John T]

So I've collected one bike and sold another one , the reason to remove them became clear the om van had got a load of her stuff in the back and because she wants it gone there wasn't enough space in the garage  to get her stuff in there , now two bikes have gone there's space so much so she's suggested me leaving the last there until spring .

There was a flurry of emails from her and all of a sudden she's very apologetic saying  in bold capitals ' YOU DID NOTHING WRONG ' her brain caused this situation etc etc .

[Thunder]

John I'm not sure about your whole story and I'm sorry, I will catch up...but it sounds like she has no right, right now to demand anything.

Maybe just do nothing for awhile and figure out what you want.

[John T]

The bikes need to be rehomed as I've lost interest in them since the day of bomb drop they've been sat there for 2 years untouched .
So the request isn't unreasonable , it's the sudden acknowledgement of the pain she's caused me that's thrown me . She's just ordered the same fitness watch as me as well.

[UrsaMajor]

To risk sounding like a broken record...

She can talk all she wants but until consistent actions are shown, it don't mean a thing... Her acknowledgement may be her peeking out of the tunnel, it may be a momentary flash of clarity and compassion, it may be a way for her to relieve her guilt... It may be like tasting green with your elbow.... Until the rubber meets the road, until actions and words are the same, until her actions and words are consistent and constant.... You know...

[John T]

Thank you UrsaMajor
Your right 'actions speak louder than words '
Due to me resetting my brain I am emotionally better able to cope , and that comes from being a member of this support site guiding me a long a path I wouldn't have taken .

[John T]

Hello I've not posted for a while I'm still around. I'm still continuing to work on myself , and not getting stressed which is proving successful through retraining my brain . I rarely lose my temper and let the world float by .

The guy at work I had the row with was on site with me and another guy , they ended up in a blazing row which deliberately keep away from as I could see it coming .

My only point of stress now is with arrogant car drivers,  but that's becoming more containable , ive had a problem with arrogance most of my adult life as i believe there's no need for it .

My MLC wife dips in and out of my life mostly by email , I've brought up the subject of divorce  and she said' she wants to stay married and that she hopes she'll come to her senses ' I dont do jobs for her anymore ,I let her contact me  she does do acts of kindness.

[Standing Strong]

Sounds like you've made good strides in yourself JT 
Fantastic 


-SS

 

[readytofixmyselffirst]

Hello,

The fact that your wife does not want to divorce speaks volumes. If she was done, she would have let you know. I think your actions are about bringing peace to your life and finding bliss within yourself.

I think you are doing an amazing job and I wish you the very best!

Enjoy the day,

(((Ready)))

[WHY]

I think I've finally got an understanding of ' I love you but am not in love with you ' to me it means that sexual attraction has diminished and that's when the OW/OM come into focus and they then crave that other person with no firm basis other than a teenage buzz you get from someone new.

Yeah, that is one part of it... The "You don't make my bits quiver anymore" teenager nonsense... Among other things... but it is really all just a justification, an excuse, for them to do whatever it is they are doing...

Absolutely this.  I'm new to all this, but I firmly believe that ILYBINLILWY actually means they're in love with someone else, whether it be a PA, EA or fantasy.  Their brain has convinced themselves that they've never felt this way before and they never felt this way about you.  It's hard to hear & accept.  But it's delusion (however very real to the MLCer).  Time will show that the halo effect they've put on OM/OW was delusion to begin with.  The relationship is built on lies and deceit etc.  But it takes time to unravel.

[John T]

Hi Ready
I think you've summed up the situation perfectly  , I'm just ploughing my own furrow and letting her stick her head over the hedge to check that I'm still there. The by product of this has been to look and act in life without  stress playing a part.

[John T]

Thank you standing  😁

[WHY]

But assuming the person was NOT a narcissist, did have value systems and acted with care and compassion for others before MLC then I have to say its not about integrity and characters. In my opinion MLC in these cases is a major psychological event. I don't mean a singular diagnosis or disease. Rather something that they have been papering over, working around, hiding, and even pretending is not there comes to a crises and they tend to have a fracture. The most visible element is the pain, the anger, the lack of empathy and the memory issues. They also tend to spend a lot of their time in a form of dissociative state (shark eyes, confusion, lack of caring).

Wow Marvin....  I can relate to this more than you know, especially what you described above (in bold).  This is exactly what's happening to my wife at the moment.  Any more thoughts on this dissociative state?  I feel like she's an empty vessel right now.  I'm just under ~2 months after BD.  Whats the best way to interact with someone like this? 

[John T]

Hi Why
It's a long twisting road , there will be a lot of self reflection , it will change your life but I believe you come out of it a better person.

[John T]

Why
I'd say don't antagonize them be consistent and calm as there world is like a ship in a huge storm .Set boundaries of what you'll accept and what you won't . Detachment is required so as to let them reflect on what has happened and discover a life without  you in it , read lots and reaseach and talk to experienced veterans on here and other sites , Facebook has a specific site for MLC.

[Treasur]

But assuming the person was NOT a narcissist, did have value systems and acted with care and compassion for others before MLC then I have to say its not about integrity and characters. In my opinion MLC in these cases is a major psychological event. I don't mean a singular diagnosis or disease. Rather something that they have been papering over, working around, hiding, and even pretending is not there comes to a crises and they tend to have a fracture. The most visible element is the pain, the anger, the lack of empathy and the memory issues. They also tend to spend a lot of their time in a form of dissociative state (shark eyes, confusion, lack of caring).

Wow Marvin....  I can relate to this more than you know, especially what you described above (in bold).  This is exactly what's happening to my wife at the moment.  Any more thoughts on this dissociative state?  I feel like she's an empty vessel right now.  I'm just under ~2 months after BD.  Whats the best way to interact with someone like this?

Imho, as little as possible 
There’s nothing good to be found in the place they go to....and even visiting can be rather unsettling for a healthy person trying to focus on the good constructive things of life.

[MadLuv]

JohnT- very good update. Detachment and movement forward is very apparent in your update. Good sign that she doesn’t want a divorce also. Time will tell how the story evolves. Glad you are moving forward while she is twisting in the wind

[PJ Ames]

Wonderful update JohnT. I think it's great that she doesn't want a divorce and that she realizes that she is the one that needs to come to her senses. I hope she does!

Keep up the good work and keep in touch.

[AlvinTheMaker]

Should I be home more and be more available?  I feel like detaching just pushes her further away.   Sorry for hijacking John's thread but when I read Marvin's comments it just struck me as spot on.

Based on my own story (with somewhat similar MLCr) I would say what you do matters not. Like zip, da nada, null... Even on best scenario, you can only buy yourself some time (and use it for preparing for the worst behind the scenes).

If you enjoy being with her, then be. If not, then take distance. Just be genuine you.... You really cannot gamble the system as it is not about you, but about her. She has to be the one wanting for inner (and then external) change in your relationship.

Take care,
Alvin

[John T]

My MLC wife has emailed offering me scrap cable to weigh in, she's also offering to make clothes for my young granddaughter who she has no blood connection to . I'm u sure as to why she'd offer to do this.

Any thoughts would be much appreciated

[WHY]

Sounds like anchor checking.  I don’t think it means anything IMO.

[MadLuv]

I agree, just excuses to check in. She can’t let go

[readytofixmyselffirst]

Hello,

These are difficult "touch and goes" as the MLCer makes momentary attempts to reconnect. They can be in earnest or just brief moments of clarity.

The important thing is not to get expectations or think they are about to clear the tunnel.

My advice is to accept her offer and thank her in the same way you would for someone that opens the door for you or helps someone load a heavy object in a car. A brief moment of kindness. Keep detached and you will be just fine.

I think you are doing great and have built a life of moving on with or without her.

(((((Ready)))))

[John T]

Thank you all for advice and support its appreciated.

[JohnnyBravo]

These are difficult "touch and goes" as the MLCer makes momentary attempts to reconnect. They can be in earnest or just brief moments of clarity.
...
My advice is to accept her offer and thank her in the same way you would for someone that opens the door for you or helps someone load a heavy object in a car. A brief moment of kindness.

That's a helpful way to look at it, Ready. Thanks for posting that.

[John T]

I'm still here,  I had a week off work and spent a large portion of it thinking about the whole split what been said etc.
I realised after that deep thinking session and coming to the conclusion that I can't do anything about it, this was a week of deep grieving it's a strange old process logic has no role in emmotions.

She has been making more clothes for my granddaughter , and sending odd pointless emails about the weather for example.

[Dragonfly33]

John I experienced these touch and goes with my H for more than 2 years. Ready is right you need to detach. You can thank for the help offered but also make sure that you don't have any expectations. I had my hopes high when my H was doing these things. And I wasn't fully detached. It's  just very painful emotionally when they go and you realized they are still fully inside the tunnel and not even close to the end. Now I understand why everybody is constantly reminding on being detached. But detachment is the hardest thing to do and until now I haven't fully detached yet. I am detached in some ways but not fully. This is work in progress.

[MadLuv]

Doesnt quite matter how many times someone tells you to detach. It is not something that can be told or enforced. You just have to come to a point where you get it all. That the pain is hared attached. That you truly understand that they are not who they were, at least for now or forever… who knows. Once you get there it is a remarkable place to be. You just know some how you will be ok. No matter the outcome, even if it is the outcome you still wish you could change.

[Reinventing]

Madluv, I agree. I think when people say "detach" they mean "practice detaching" or "do those things, say those things, think those things that help you detach".

I would have given anything to be truly detached during all of this. I just wanted the pain to stop. However, once I learned strategies to cope, strategies to detach, I would employ those in situations where I needed to detach. I understood by then to monitor my feelings of attachment and had built a toolbox to help me detach.

So what I read, when people say to someone that they need to detach, is "open that LBS toolbox and practice detaching".

I find that toolbox helpful for other things in life as well now that BD is many years in the past.

[UrsaMajor]

"Detaching" has come to have a bunch of different meangins here but, as RCR described it, detaching is unhooking YOUR emotional state from the Rollecoaster that is the MLC'ers emotional state - detaching your car from theirs - regaining control over your own emotional state and situation - being able to stay on an even keel in your own right while the MLC'er is going off around the bend in theirs....   It was about no longer being personally connected to the emotional rollercoaster that is MLC

[Reinventing]

URSA

being able to stay on an even keel in your own right while the MLC'er is going off around the bend in theirs

Yes, and it's a wonderful state to reach. For me, it took practice and strategies to refocus my attention in order to detach. But it helped my outright mental health to get there. Otherwise I was attached to someone's whims, instability, and  inconsistent fantasy thoughts and life.

[Dragonfly33]

URSA

being able to stay on an even keel in your own right while the MLC'er is going off around the bend in theirs

Yes, and it's a wonderful state to reach. For me, it took practice and strategies to refocus my attention in order to detach. But it helped my outright mental health to get there. Otherwise I was attached to someone's whims, instability, and  inconsistent fantasy thoughts and life.

Totally agree!

[John T]

Hello  all of you good people of this forum.

I'm still continuing with my gentle healing process, I've started a weight loss programme not that I'm not massively overweight, doing it for myself.  Still playing golf badly but enjoy it.


My MLC wife keeps messaging me , her lastest thing  is shes helping my daughter (whos not a blood relative ) to find a new home as my daughter and husband are splitting up, this has hurt me my daughter going down the same route of a marriage break up . I'm just letting my wife continue with communications if it helps through this mental illness.  I'm no longer clinging on.

[FaithWalker]

Good for you on the weight loss program.  Glad you are enjoying the golf as well.  I always wanted to learn how to golf but that was my H's thing and he never thought to get me clubs or include me.  I should look into picking it up now, but have been far to busy with some other hobbies I've picked up.

I'm sorry to hear about your daughter's splitting up with her husband.  So very sad.

[John T]

I've finally got to a place in my life where I don't see reconciliation as the ' be all and end all ' I no longer analyse every word and action , it's taken a huge amount of time and emotional pain to arrive here . I'm no longer waiting at the platform for the MLC train my wife is riding to arrive , I'm now sitting in a station cafe drinking a coffee and watching the world go by and thinking about me and my future .

When you get here you'll understand .  all we can do is detach and be there as a lighthouse should we called upon , but not to the detriment of ourselves .

[marvin4242]

I've finally got to a place in my life where I don't see reconciliation as the ' be all and end all ' I no longer analyse every word and action , it's taken a huge amount of time and emotional pain to arrive here . I'm no longer waiting at the platform for the MLC train my wife is riding to arrive , I'm now sitting in a station cafe drinking a coffee and watching the world go by and thinking about me and my future .

When you get here you'll understand .  all we can do is detach and be there as a lighthouse should we called upon , but not to the detriment of ourselves .

Wow you sound like you are finding your footing and are in a good place. I am so glad for you. No matter how awful this experience its a good reminder that we can find a place for ourselves away from the disorder. Wishing you continued peace in this new year.

[MadLuv]

Great to hear an update John T- I feel the same. It is a much better place to be. Enjoy your coffee and what the future brings to you.

[FaithWalker]

When you get here you'll understand .  all we can do is detach and be there as a lighthouse should we called upon , but not to the detriment of ourselves .

Nodding along

[John T]

Hello all
I'm still here I've come to realise there's a tunnel I'm going through at the same time as her , I now see how easy it is to misunderstand what's going on during an MLC , jump to conclusions try to put everything in neat boxes when the truth is that its like trying to heard cats .
Time is the real tool we have on our side , other people's opinions can help us see things but we must form our own opinions  to move forward.  Calmness is a great unseen comfort that's not to be taken lightly.   

I've stepped away from motorbikes in favour of golf ( I'm rubbish at it but laugh ) I now listen to audio books on my drives to the sites I'm working at, instead of analysing what's gone on with my MLC wife.  She's reconnected with my daughter ( not  blood relative)and enjoys making clothes for my granddaughter which I'm pleased with . Her contact with me is quite frequent and she's telling me about her life increasingly , I just listen and reply accordingly

[readytofixmyselffirst]

Hello,

I'm still here I've come to realise there's a tunnel I'm going through at the same time as her ,

It is often stated here that there are always two journeys- the journey of the MLCer and the journey of the LBSer. In fact this site doesn't really chronicle the journey of the MLCer as very few document or journey their story as they attempt to blow up their lives and create a new identity. Instead, the forum really documents your journey to recovery and moving forward with or without your spouse.

I would venture that you are not in a tunnel as you are not focused on the light at the end nor are you trapped in darkness desperately trying to find a way out. Instead, your journey has been purposeful and meaningful as you work on becoming.

Calmness is a great unseen comfort that's not to be taken lightly.

Absolutely true. I even often have to remind myself when I am in a hurricane, to seek the eye. Keeping yourself centered and grounded not only helps you with healing, it helps you deal with many things that come your way.

Her contact with me is quite frequent and she's telling me about her life increasingly , I just listen and reply accordingly

Good and I wish I had your mindset of just listening and responding. I was too emotional and did not respond well. Looking back, I was more clinging in my responses and that doesn't make things better- it made things worse. You sound much stronger and even. You sound like you can live with or without her and either way, you will be just fine. It's a great mindset. Continue to think of your growth and progress as a sense of always becoming. That there is always room for growth and determining your next steps.

You are a great inspiration and you have traveled far in your journey.

Have an awesome day,

((((Ready))))

[John T]

Thank you ' Ready ' (well every one who takes the time comment)for your kind but honest words they are really important to me , as I sometimes get left in a haze of confusion , my tunnel analogy could well be wrong ,but with each passing interaction with her I get more clarity and look back to my mistakes at the start of this .

I've taken the lesson of not being ' needy and clingy ' and to a degree not reverted to type ,to help cope with this process , im really glad i found this support site so early on otherwise I'd have made many mistakes.

[Standing Strong]

Excellent!!! Right on JT 

I'm so glad things are calmed down, and she's moving. Good, good, good.

No pressure, but you know that now.

Very nice update.

-SS

[UrsaMajor]

Thank you ' Ready ' (well every one who takes the time comment)for your kind but honest words they are really important to me , as I sometimes get left in a haze of confusion , my tunnel analogy could well be wrong ,but with each passing interaction with her I get more clarity and look back to my mistakes at the start of this .

I've taken the lesson of not being ' needy and clingy ' and to a degree not reverted to type ,to help cope with this process , im really glad i found this support site so early on otherwise I'd have made many mistakes.

I know that I didn't stumble on HS until I was already 5 months after ABD and, when I look back, if there was a check-list for actions "Do NOT do this" I checked off every single one of the boxes as "Did it - didn't work." Now, 7 years later, I look at the mess the MLCxW has in her life and see that this was her choice and the mess is the result (consequences) of her actions. Unfortunately, those consequences have affected and are still affecting our kids negatively as they have a somewhat less than stellar role model in MLCxW for taking responsibility and pushing through the difficult times instead of rolling over and being a victim.  Now though, MLCxW has to find other perpetrators because I'm no longer available as the source of her misery....

So, in that vein, you are doing much better at this point in time than I was at the same point after BD.... Keep it up!

[MadLuv]

I also didnt find this site until 8 mths after BD and made many many mistakes yhr first year. I look at it now as just how it has to play out. As they are compelled to leave we are compelled on out handling of it. All the words and advice some times only hit after you have went against the grain and learned from your own actions. Then somehow that advice comes back as a truth dart of our own. In the end we really cant apologize for how we handle the damage they inflict on us, but we do learn and grow. You are are starting out much better than I.

[John T]

I think the reason for my understanding of MLC is lots of reaseaching and following the advice given which felt wrong but is proving to be correct .

Thanks to all of you for the continued support

[MadLuv]

Agreed!! I have never been a reader and I am now. Knowledge in this situation is everything!!!!

[gman242]

Thank you ' Ready ' (well every one who takes the time comment)for your kind but honest words they are really important to me , as I sometimes get left in a haze of confusion , my tunnel analogy could well be wrong ,but with each passing interaction with her I get more clarity and look back to my mistakes at the start of this .

I've taken the lesson of not being ' needy and clingy ' and to a degree not reverted to type ,to help cope with this process , im really glad i found this support site so early on otherwise I'd have made many mistakes.

I know that I didn't stumble on HS until I was already 5 months after ABD and, when I look back, if there was a check-list for actions "Do NOT do this" I checked off every single one of the boxes as "Did it - didn't work." Now, 7 years later, I look at the mess the MLCxW has in her life and see that this was her choice and the mess is the result (consequences) of her actions. Unfortunately, those consequences have affected and are still affecting our kids negatively as they have a somewhat less than stellar role model in MLCxW for taking responsibility and pushing through the difficult times instead of rolling over and being a victim.  Now though, MLCxW has to find other perpetrators because I'm no longer available as the source of her misery....

So, in that vein, you are doing much better at this point in time than I was at the same point after BD.... Keep it up!

I went through similar and I think we all do to an extent. The biggest turning point for me was when i stopped worrying about my XW and I started thinking about me, my life and what it was that brought us together to begin with. What was it about me, that I kept choosing bad relationships and all that sort of thing.

I wanted to focus on me and Xw can go do her thing away from me. You mentioned (John T) being a lighthouse and I think that may be a romantic notion that brings us some comfort, but to truly grow, you need to let go. At least that's my two cents. If that person wants to come back and is willing to put in the work, at that point, if that's what you decide what you want, then you climb all those stairs and dust off the spot light. But until then, I think you're better off being the captain of your own ship. After all, after all the work you put into yourself, getting your sea legs and all, that's where you deserve to be, right at the helm, deciding where to steer the ship.

[John T]

Hi Gman

The 'lighthouse'analogy is what others call it , I fully understand what you are saying . I've laid down some rules about what I'll do to help her as she can't have all of the support that a marriage provides. I'm detaching in a gentle and careful manner , I'm moving up  to a full captain .

[John T]

Hello all

My MLC wife is in frequent contact, daily mostly.
We've spent a bit of time together meals, walks etc .
Something I've learnt about myself is I've got a sense of inner calm and feel much stronger, to the point that if we split for good I can accept it far easier, my emotional detachment is far stronger. She very apologetic and offering to do things for me. ' the blown up bridge' (MLC) is now being cleared away. 

Being a 'lighthouse' has been the way to go offering gentle encouragement and support when appropriate.

She's following the MLC script and is in 'acceptance '

This site and it's teaching is invaluable as a support tool . Id have made so many mistakes and gone totally the wrong way , I've learnt a lot about myself good and bad and continue to work on me . Some advice didn't make sense at the time , but slowly it's sunk in , the process is not about blame it's about growing and maturing for the next chapter of your life, be it alone or together .





Sent from Yahoo Mail on Android

[Standing Strong]

Great update JT 

Happy to hear she is progressing.

Takes time, and plenty of it.

-SS

[John T]

Hello all
I'm still around my wife is still in her tunnel but seems to be easing along it , we spend time together and are in regular contact but there's no real 'us' talk , I seem to be increasingly involved in her life . It's leaving me confused as to where this is going if anywhere !

[Biscuit]

John T,

I'm a couple of years behind you time wise but in a very similar situation with my W. We talk daily, text all the time and see each other often.
Have you spoken to her at all about where her head is at?

[John T]

Hi Biscuit

I've tried to get her to open up , mostly it's very vague but then the odd nugget appears as to her feelings.