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Author Topic: My Story Where Do I Start and what should I do

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My Story Where Do I Start and what should I do
#100: September 09, 2020, 02:41:00 AM
Thanks Ready, XYZ and Thunder for your kind words and your support.

I hope the Covid situation is gett8ng a bit better for all of you over in the US.. In Australia most states seem t9 be fairly settled now.
It really is an emotional roller coaster but atleast we have all read the script on here.

Good luck everyone.
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B
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Where Do I Start and what should I do
#101: September 20, 2020, 02:58:22 AM
Hi All,

My latest is that my MLC Er is talking about moving out.. initially 5 months back the push was for me to leave my home so this is a step forward in my mind.  It will be incredibly hard on both our kids though.  I am 100% certain 5 months in that I landed at the right location as every possible MLC behaviour is in play.  The spending. The clothes.  The out most nights with divorced friends or younger work mates and recently the affair. 

So I am staying strong and getting physically and mentally fitter but my two teenagers are broken soles.   I think the biggest shock for kids is the completely different personality of their Mum.. As adults we have the benefits of the forum and reading lots but the poor kids have no idea where the monster turns up from.

Hope you are all well and doing best you can with these tricky circumstances

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Where Do I Start and what should I do
#102: September 21, 2020, 07:29:35 AM
Sounds like she's following the script to the letter... I feel sorry for your kids.....
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« Last Edit: September 25, 2020, 03:49:57 AM by UrsaMajor »
Me - 59, xW - 51
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation & 21 at D-Day
S - 15, D - 11
2 Dogs
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Divorce final 30 August 2019

Survival Instructions for Newbies
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A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

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Where Do I Start and what should I do
#103: September 25, 2020, 12:41:21 AM
Benson,

Sorry for the late reply! You are so strong and you are embracing the future, per what you've told me. You're doing what you can for you and your kids, and you know that your MLCer is now in Replay, which is the longest stage of the journey. Who knows if and when she'll make it out ( you already know my stance). Stay focused and grounded, make sure to take care of yourself and talk to your kids as much as possible about what's happening to their Mum, and how it's not their fault NOR YOURS. She is on her own journey.

You're doing a great job, don't forget that!
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H born in 80
I was born in 83
Started dating in 2004; both felt we were soulmates & kept that feeling for 14 yrs
Married H 2006
D born in 2008
H entered MLC in late 2017
Replay started 2018
H moved out in April 2018; started an affair with a waitress 20yrs younger
H tricked me into moving internationally, then abducted our D for A YEAR
I got D back summer 2019
Divorced Oct 2020
What's helping me:
meditation, reading/listening to audiobooks

B
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Where Do I Start and what should I do. UPDATE
#104: October 09, 2020, 02:21:23 PM
Hi Everyone

Hope you are all coping ok with your MLC journeys.  Today my wife is moving out of the house.  I have gone to the office for the day and left behind two devasted teenagers. Yesterday my MLCer fought with the kids and phoned me crying hysterically saying that a woman should not leave the family home,  To an outsider and really anyone thAt doesn’t understand MLC I probably do look bad.

This was in no way a normal breakup thought

No concerns or issues laid out over 18 years
Massive bomb drop after teenagers big car accident
Crazy spending $$$$
Massive weight loss
You never and you a always
Loads of partying with divorced and single girlfriends
Screaming at and fighting with 17 yo son when he challenged her behaviour.

So I know this is MLC and I know I have done the right thing stAying in my house for my kids and I but there is and will be devastAtion after 19 years.

New life journey begins tommorrow I suppose.

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Where Do I Start and what should I do. UPDATE
#105: October 09, 2020, 03:02:17 PM
Hi Everyone

Hope you are all coping ok with your MLC journeys.  Today my wife is moving out of the house.  I have gone to the office for the day and left behind two devasted teenagers. Yesterday my MLCer fought with the kids and phoned me crying hysterically saying that a woman should not leave the family home,  To an outsider and really anyone thAt doesn’t understand MLC I probably do look bad.

This was in no way a normal breakup thought

No concerns or issues laid out over 18 years
Massive bomb drop after teenagers big car accident
Crazy spending $$$$
Massive weight loss
You never and you a always
Loads of partying with divorced and single girlfriends
Screaming at and fighting with 17 yo son when he challenged her behaviour.

So I know this is MLC and I know I have done the right thing stAying in my house for my kids and I but there is and will be devastAtion after 19 years.

New life journey begins tommorrow I suppose.

Benson,  I think you will see that things in your home will be much calmer and healthier, now that your MLC'er left home.

Take some time to make it your space.   Remove anything that doesn't fit within your vibe, decor or taste in style.   This is a new chapter, this is your space.  Make it your own.

In time, you will feel a noticeable difference and be happy to be away from the crazy.
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Me (W) 44 - W 42
BD - Jan 17, 2020

B
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Where Do I Start and what should I do
#106: October 09, 2020, 05:02:24 PM
Thanks LBS_Les
They are really kind thoughts and good advice .
I have read your story previously and I hope you are doing ok.
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Where Do I Start and what should I do
#107: November 04, 2021, 03:00:55 AM
A year later - How are things in your world now Benson?
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Me - 59, xW - 51
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation & 21 at D-Day
S - 15, D - 11
2 Dogs
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Divorce final 30 August 2019

Survival Instructions for Newbies
Site Map
 
A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

B
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 >:( I haven’t posted for a while. When I reflect back a few years ago this forum helped me immensely and I appreciate Urso and all the great experienced and caring people here. My X MLCer ending up moving out and although it cost me a fortune I paid her out and kept the family house for the kids. I know they appreciate the base and it is home. The only home they have ever known so glad we still have It.

My relationship with my two kids is fantastic so that hasn’t changed. The MLC behaviour my X has displayed since the bomb drop has definitely hurt the relationship she has with the kids. She quickly moved onto a new partner but really jammed him down the kids throats. Two years on they don’t hate the guy but being forced to have regular dinners with him has never gone down well.

Although some normal behaviour remains her personality is very different from the Mum the kids grew up with. As the LBS you never feel there are any winners in this situation. That said as the MLCer continues to behave so strangely it does feel like people all around begin to see the truth.

New Relationship with secret information 😂

So I have dated a few ladies since my X left and I have been seeing the latest girl about four months. Truth is I have really fallen for her and she is a lovely fun and affectionate beautiful girl. Trouble is after a twenty year marriage that ended with MLC partner leaving I do have scar tissue.
The other issue I think many of in midlife will confront is that we very likely date someone’s MLCer. I wonder sometimes if I am just being paranoid but here’s the list

She has been separated four years but not divorced.    I am divorced and free
Her kids live with the X but may move back in with her in next few months.
I am a secret to her family and only a couple of her girlfriends know about me.
She was hurt by another guy and even he didn’t meet her kids after nine months.
Her X sounds like a great guy . Feels like she got overwhelmed by life a bit like my X.


My Predicament

Having studied the hell out of MLC I feel like her focus needs to be on the relationship with her kids and not me. I feel like I need to detach in order not to get hurt  and also for her kids sake.

So I am wondering how many forum members feel like they are or have fallen into the arms of some else’s MLCer.?


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M
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I can’t get past separated for 4 years not divorced.  That we be a no go for me. The whole dating thing is scary enough. They would have to be divorced and moved on for a couple years. I think dating later in life everyone will have most likely past long term relationships and baggage. I think that is the hardest part. Red flags are something I will definitely not ignore. Follow your gut instincts!!
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H-54 W-58  at BD2
M 7/6/91 Kids d-30 s-28 d-14 (dies 2009)
2013-  moments of disconnect
Aug 2016 promotion requires travel   
Oct 2017-total disconnect
Jan 2018-I moved out H due to not getting help
Mar 2018- BD1 found old phone 3 EA in 2017-H  agrees to therapy
EA ow1-49,  EA-ow2 57, (EA- ow3-58 not reciprocated by ow)
Sept ‘18 -2nd Home in new state bought For
Oct 2018-H moves home
Oct 2020 BD2 does not return home from B trip
                  H move to 2nd home. OW4 exists
Div filed-Dec 10 ‘20 H buys OW promise ring  Dec 12/20
Div final-Feb 9 ‘21 H buys OW $800 necklace 2/7/21
March ‘21 H take OW on vacation buys engagement rings 3/17/21
July 2021 married OW (find out May 2022 after 10 mths)
Oct 2021- XH moves in OW ( already married, tells nobody)
Feb 2022- XH is fired from job

 

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