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Author Topic: My Story Where Do I Start and what should I do

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My Story Where Do I Start and what should I do
#50: July 11, 2020, 02:04:51 AM
Benson,

I was actually born in the States but my Mom is from the UK and I lived between the EU, US, and Asia as a kid. I'm a bit of an interesting mix!

I just wanted to say I admire your resilience and outlook; you seem to have the perfect attitude because you're right, if she has insight and recovers, wonderful! If she doesn't-as hard as it is to move on- do it. You have your whole rest of your life in front of you, with many interesting and kind people you have met to meet and loads of people to support you and your kids.

My daughter is doing very well, despite the horrendous situation her Dad put us through. She knows he's lost, and she's as disgusted as I am about his affair and the fact he abducted her for a year. Luckily, the OW was good to my D during that time period. I myself barely survived it. I had no idea why H wasn't in contact with me and he kept lying about where he was and when he was coming to join me with D. It's a long story. At least I got her back!

Not to insult him, but he never has come up with plans or had any real incentive to do anything, and I think that the girl he left me for has actually had much more to do with what has transpired than I even thought. I think she wants a greencard and that was her plan from the get go. She comes from a very poor family and it sounds like she's had a rough life, and I can sympathize. I lived in Thailand for almost a decade and know how rough Thai women have it. Anyhow, I think she saw he was at a low point ( beginning of the MLC) and became fixated on her plan of helping him 'change his life for the better'. Maybe she even believes it and I think he may too. But it sounds like he's paying for everything her family needs now, so mission accomplished and I CANNOT WAIT for the day he wakes up and/or crashes and burn.

I say this after I just found out he hasn't paid for the storage that had ALL of my belongings. Literally everything I owned before I moved in with my Mom. This has put the nail in the coffin for me and was a wake up call of sorts. I don't know if he'll ever 'come back' to some semblance of the good person he was. It's sad but I'm going to try my best and not beat myself up about it. I'm 37 and have to focus on being a single mom.

I'm so sorry for what your kids are going through, and the pain they feel. I wish your W would see what she's doing, but MLC seems to be a fog mixed in with extreme narcissism.
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H born in 80
I was born in 83
Started dating in 2004; both felt we were soulmates & kept that feeling for 14 yrs
Married H 2006
D born in 2008
H entered MLC in late 2017
Replay started 2018
H moved out in April 2018; started an affair with a waitress 20yrs younger
H tricked me into moving internationally, then abducted our D for A YEAR
I got D back summer 2019
Divorced Oct 2020
What's helping me:
meditation, reading/listening to audiobooks

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Where Do I Start and what should I do
#51: July 11, 2020, 03:05:33 AM
Hi Benson,

I know the times are rough right now for you.   Hang in there and keep calm. I definitely was not doing nowhere as well as you in the beginning, LOL.

Maybe the below piece of wisdom (by great Albert Ellis, founder of REBT-therapy) will help you approach the events in way that provides fruitful:

"People and things do not upset us, rather we upset us by believing that they can upset us."

Give the above words a lot of thought as within them lies a key that can empower you and your kids. Your W will do a lot of crazy stuff, irrational decisions (basically pretty much everything that roots from negative emotions is irrational), behave in ways you never imagined would be possible, she will rock the boat that used to be life you all liked and loved....  Nobody likes change. Those things will upset you. Those things will upset your kids. But only if you allow her actions (or lack thereof) to upset you... Your W is right now in position where she will not listen the voice reason.   But you are different. And so are your kids. Teach yourself the above. And teach your kids the above.  It will bring new kind of calm and serenity into your life.   

Alvin.
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At time of BD.... Me: 43, XW: 41
Kids: G19,G18,G14,G12,S5
Together - 20½ Years, Married 19 Years

BD ("I don't love you"): Feb 2019, 
BD2 ("I don't want to fix this marriage."), Mar 2020
D filed May 2020, D finalized Dec 2020
I have moved on, and am in new relationship.

Lessons from Stoicism and REBT helped me to exit the chaos zone and become a better person. 

"Happiness and freedom begin with a clear understanding of one principle: Some things are within our control, and some things are not. - Epictetus"

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#52: July 11, 2020, 11:33:58 PM
Thanks for replies BAM and  Alvin,

That’s a really interesting childhood BAM. Nothing makes you ready for these MLC ers but moving a lot  would build resilience into a kid I am sure.  Your comment about your H s narcissism is so apt fro my W also. Iits almost like they have finished that mission and now this life is all about them. Financially, emotionally in ever way just so self indulgent. Problem is if the stable partner goes blow for blow only the kids suffer. I will bide my time focus energy on kids sure up finances and then do some discreet partying when kids are with their M.

The abducted daughter bit sounds horrendous for a mum BAM. I will look through your earlier posts. 

Elvin thanks for your continuing wisdom I have read a lot of your posts now. They speak of a man who is wise and still sensitive  even after taking the beating .... that’s how I wish to come out also.

My MLCer has been of a girls weekend away bashing up our join bank account. My pay will start going into my bank accounts just established. Soon so that may cause some confusion for a W that has never had to show any restraint. Massages, accupunture, 280 dollars every three weeks at the hairdresser and new clothes constantly . Why should the LBS continue to pay for these luxuries ?? Or am I missing something.

Frivolous expenses should be met  by her money only now I figure.. my kids can get the benefit of the balance as I won’t let them go without.
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Where Do I Start and what should I do
#53: July 12, 2020, 12:01:56 AM
Benson,

Ugh, that's so frustrating ( to put it mildly) your W has been blowing money on a girl's weekend, all while she is neglecting her family. Sadly, it's typical of a narcissitic MLCer in Replay mode. My H was supposed to be making a sort of 'self-retreat' and went off for what was supposed to be a month. I thought he was having a nervous breakdown so it was partially my idea he just focus on sleeping and eating as that's what I read ( and heard from a friend) is what's needed in the case of a nervous breakdown.

Little did I know that it was in fact a MLC and H was shacking up with some 21 year old chick ( who seems to desp want a greencard) and that one month turned into four horrendous months. He had total control over the money and guess who had no car and only about 30 dollars a week for groceries while he was having an affair? Yup, my D and I.

I'm so sorry you and your kids are going through this and I really suggest focusing on doing as much as you can on yourself and on your children, which I know you're already doing. Read self-help and psychology books ( I found philosophy and spirituality books very useful myself) to both help yourself and the family. Try to do the 'get a life' thing and find new activities, including some with you and the kids.

Do your best to protect you and the kids financially, and try your best to 'charge neutral' when talking with W and not engaging if 'monster' comes out. But also don't hesitate to let her know her behavior is adversely affecting you and the kids.

I get hit throughout the day with memories of the incredible love and passion H and I had, and retained all the way until MLC hit. I have to focus very hard on not ruminating and also not dwelling which is easier said than done. You will slowly but surely discover and re-discover yourself.

I look at what we're all going through as a form of war. We're in the trenches. It's nasty and extremely painful BUT if we do what many posters say and focus on OURSELVES and our kids and not believing the lies our MLCer is spewing, it makes this whole thing less painful and even transformative.

I can say with certainty that I'm a better, more understanding and empathetic person now. Sad it had to come at this cost but oh well.

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H born in 80
I was born in 83
Started dating in 2004; both felt we were soulmates & kept that feeling for 14 yrs
Married H 2006
D born in 2008
H entered MLC in late 2017
Replay started 2018
H moved out in April 2018; started an affair with a waitress 20yrs younger
H tricked me into moving internationally, then abducted our D for A YEAR
I got D back summer 2019
Divorced Oct 2020
What's helping me:
meditation, reading/listening to audiobooks

B
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Where Do I Start and what should I do
#54: July 12, 2020, 02:28:38 PM
Hi BAM

Your words about focussing on the kids and not the very destruction MLC behaviour are very true. You also seem to be processing things in a smart way. In the trenches is a great description as I watched the W spending a few hundred dollars in a homewares stores whilst away on the girls weekend.How could that even be a priority when  splitting the family and houses etc should be front of mind. This really is a monster and it is like watching a battle in her brain . I still struggle with the idea that my once calm and sane W spend a few thousand doing up her room. The nicer room our martital bedroom  and then tried to kick me out. I have never looked at expenses previously but the fact I earn three times what she does surely should come into her thinking we planning to spend and launch me.   MLC monster is just so cold and cruel and self focused.

I also think you are right about it making us evolve into kinder people is true. When you see first hand that someone you loved and completely trusted can turn on you it’s quite the experience. In my mind it gives me more empathy and patience and I wonder what other people are going through in their lives.

When I reflect on the perfect and loving childhood I had I must have gratitude for that. The damage my MLC wife experienced clearly never left her. I now look back at certain things during our marriage and it is clear that her childhood stopped her being able to love me completely. She has always seemed to love our kids unconditionally but has made some bizarre statements like I don’t know if I would have had kids if I went back to the beginning. Now I see that unconditional love for our kids missing completely as she puts them through this.

The  day she left for the three day girls weekend my W left a typed note for my kids ( the same note) with their baby photo books. The note talked of their births being the best days of her life and she talked about the incredible bond between a mum and her kids. W also said that as tough as things are now with the silences and  weirdness that she hope in time they could respect her for having the courage to with with conviction. W added that when they do reconnect with her it will be the most glorious of reconnections. That bit to me reads like something from a fantasy novel as my two teens as broken watching their M disappear and become a different human.

BAM the bit your wrote about with the 21 year old Green card chick must have been horrendous. So selfish and so disrespectful to you and your D. To have a fling one thing but to move in with her and leave you short of funds is truely disgusting. Does with me an insight  though into how weird $h!te could and can get.

Blessings BAM I hope things at least settle down for you with the monster side of his personality.

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#55: July 12, 2020, 10:41:54 PM
Benson,

Judging by your wife's letter ( and of course behavior) it just shows how lost and how she must be in such a desperate, confusing place. She doesn't know what to do and what's wrong with her and is desperate for SOMETHING to fix how she's feeling. This is the common thing with MLCers. I vividly remember my H writing a note ( during the Anger phase and right before Replay hit) when he said he just wanted to find joy again in his life. This was before he went on a two day meditation retreat. I remember feeling both sad and frustrated at his letter. I knew he was struggling and I felt very upset about that, but my daughter and I had no car for the weekend and were stuck at home, so I was a bit resentful.

In hindsight, I know that he was like your wife: some type of split was happening inside of him, and he was scared of it. Nothing made him happy anymore, and instead of looking inside ( which is what all MLCers need to do and are AVOIDING doing), he went into the MLC tunnel and started changing external things.

Your wife is probably spending money to have that high from buying something new. This could morph into doing something new. MLCers seem to love novelty and they use it as a short-lasted high. I think the purpose of an MLC affair ( which I hope your wife doesn't start) is to again have that novelty.

I'm not an expert on this but I think you should share with your kids what your learning about what an MLC is so they can gain some insight into what's going on with their Mum. Let them know not to mention it to your W as MLCers never accept they are having a crisis.
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H born in 80
I was born in 83
Started dating in 2004; both felt we were soulmates & kept that feeling for 14 yrs
Married H 2006
D born in 2008
H entered MLC in late 2017
Replay started 2018
H moved out in April 2018; started an affair with a waitress 20yrs younger
H tricked me into moving internationally, then abducted our D for A YEAR
I got D back summer 2019
Divorced Oct 2020
What's helping me:
meditation, reading/listening to audiobooks

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Where Do I Start and what should I do
#56: July 12, 2020, 11:01:36 PM
Good for you for taking steps to protect the finances. I know it feels strange and she may try to make you feel guilty about it, but it's the right thing to do. You may have to remind yourself that she's burning through your kids' money, not just yours.

You're still in the house, right? I'll echo those who tell you not to leave. If she wants out, let her go, but it's better for you to stay. I stayed, my X left, and it worked much better for the kids to be living with the sane parent.

Have you sought legal advice yet? You may want to consider a separation agreement. In my case, when my XW left, we agreed on finances for the "temporary" separation. This agreement formed the basis for the mediated divorce agreement. Not saying your sitch will end in divorce, but mine did and I'm glad for the sake of myself and the kids that we had an agreement in place so that debts she accrued living like a teenager were hers alone. Not sure the separation agreement would have held up in court, but she thought it would and that may have helped slow down her spending a bit.

Ah yes, the friends. Most unhelpful. Accomplices, actually. My XW surrounded herself with drinking buddies, all of whom were unmarried themselves. Unsurprisingly, her friends encouraged her to leave her no-fun, sober, stick-in-the-mud husband. Misery loves company, I guess.

What is it about these MLCers and furniture? I found out my XW was leaving when I found a receipt for several thousand dollars worth of furniture. It wasn't for our house, but for the apartment I didn't know she was about to move into.

So sorry about all of this. You're doing well. One foot in front of the other....
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« Last Edit: July 12, 2020, 11:02:53 PM by PJ Will Be OK »
"I'm slowly learning to expect nothing and appreciate everything."

Together 28 years, married 27. Two adult kids, ours

BD #1: 2016 - EA  |  BD #2: 2018 - FA

W moved out - June 2019 | OM#3 - July 2019
W asks for divorce - August 2019 | Divorce final - September 2019 | Moving on

My thread: https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=11537.new#new

New Here? Read this! http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=1149.0

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Where Do I Start and what should I do
#57: July 13, 2020, 12:52:28 AM
You seem to be very resilient, Benson.  Believe it or not, your wife will appreciate this, even though she might not know it yet and there is no way she will tell you that at the moment.

You say your wife had a difficult childhood. H did too, after his dad died at the age of 9 and his mum never grieved the death with him.  I do believe that the MLC brought all his repressed emotions from this time to the surface.  It seems ridiculous that we're talking about 40 years later, but MLC is a strange beast.   I didn't find out how badly it had affected him until quite recently.  We're hoping that intensive psychotherapy will help him forgive his mum for her actions and finally accept the death.

As so many here say, the only thing you can do is take care of yourself and your kids, and allow your MLCer to take the path she's on at the moment.  Nothing you can say or do will change her mind unless she is open to that, and that stage may be a long time in coming.   They do turn into monsters or aliens, but it helps to know that actually deep down they are tormented, because they see themselves doing things which go against their values and they don't know why and are not able to stop themselves.   And you, who knows the values your wife has always believed in, can only see how  unusual all this is and trust the process. 

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January 2018 - 1st BD - "I'm not happy"
June 2019 - I discover existence of OW since November  2017. Lives on another continent
July 2019 - OW moves to live in my city.
August 2019 - H on holiday with OW, despite ultimatum
September 2019 - H commits to leaving OW
November 2019 - OW moves back to her country (temporarily). Reconnection with me begins but contact with OW continues.
January 2020 - H informs me he has broken up with OW. Continues seeing her anyway.
April-June 2020 - H moves home. While "rebuilding", H continues contact and some PA with OW (BD2).
July 2020 - H leaves home, fence-sits.
Aug 2020 - H plays heavy pingpong, then announces he will rent a place with OW "at least temporarily"
Aug 2020 - I decided enough is enough. Filing for D.

B
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#58: July 13, 2020, 03:45:05 AM
Thanks Tinnat,

I appreciate all the support here as things hot up. The W refused to pick up my hard working  17 year old apprentice S. My wise and mature S unfollowed him Mum on Instagram as he said her behaviour was immature and embarrassing. She has always been such a great Mum and close to our beautiful boy.  I can only pray these antics don’t send him over the edge.
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#59: July 13, 2020, 03:54:43 AM
Hi PJ

Thanks to you to good advice. Yeah the circus sure is starting and I don’t feel like the ring master but I am going to practice.
It feels a bit like a game but my sorrow lies in the fact my beautiful teenagers are watching . Everything you are all saying is coming true day by day. Good to have a playbook even if it is painful to turn each page.
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