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Author Topic: My Story Where Do I Start and what should I do

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My Story Where Do I Start and what should I do
#60: July 13, 2020, 04:00:50 AM
Hi BAM,

You sum things up very well and yes I get the feeling that she will have an affair. I have been loyal and faithful from the day we met.
I is wrong for me to think I should treat this replay as a hall pass. The vibe I am getting is  my MLC er is a completely different human so not sure where this is going to take her. It’s like watching a train wreck on slow motion replay.

I agree about the letter it seemed to be abou5 guilt before heading off for the weekend of partying. I know how much she loves her kids so this monster inside must be pulling her apart. I have been passive so far but very soon I will use my only weapon which is financial control.
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Where Do I Start and what should I do
#61: July 13, 2020, 04:09:59 AM
It seems to me that the three pretty consistent markers of an MLCer are entitlement, a broken empathy chip and a sense of resentment that comes out in rage or self pity. These are not folks who behave like decent reasonable adults normally behave.

And her letter about the 'glorious reconnection' is a perfect example of that kind of 'tone deafness'....full of entitled assumptions, taking no responsibility for the effect of her behaviour and dashing past your kid's pain and bewilderment.

Putting to one side the whys and whatnots, and whether one stands in hope of some kind of normal service being resumed, all one can do is accept this and adjust ones expectations and boundaries accordingly. As many folks here have found, Benson, life will be easier as a parent if you and your kids make these kind of day to day arrangements without involving your wife. It becomes too frustrating, irritating or risky to deal with someone who can't be trusted to do what they say they will do or who is unpredictable. It isn't fair on any of you, I know, but you might find it better to just exclude her from things like this or get support from elsewhere. If it is any consolation though, I am often amazed by how quickly and clearly kids see that this is no longer the same dad/mum that they knew and detach from the rollercoaster tbh quicker perhaps than we do. ::)

Only you can decide the balance in your mind between explanation vs excuse....the 'hall pass' as you called it....we all have lines in the sand and sometimes they end up not being quite where we thought they were. But detaching enough to see the current wood for the trees, regardless of how you feel about it, will help you build some protective walls around you and your kids. It is I'm afraid quite possible that your w's behaviour will get much worse before it gets better and she may do things you never imagined she could or would.....so protect your heart, wallet and sanity.
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T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

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Where Do I Start and what should I do
#62: July 14, 2020, 06:29:05 AM
Hi Everyone,
Need your advice tonight. So the W and I spoke at length tonight for the first time in a few weeks. I spotted the girl I use to love for fleeting moments in the twenty or so minutes that we spoke. As you know I have stayed in the house and we have largely avoided each other.
Today we had a text exchange about money that was short and sharp so when I got home I advised her that I had left the bulk of my pay in the bank to pay the monthly bills but tha5 I had taken 1500 and out that in a new account for my expenses. That play from the always gentle and passive husband really lit her up. She said well I can do the same no doubt with my money . I earn a lot more then her and have never begrudged her anything but this time I said well the money I have left will cover all expenses. She really didn’t like me having my own account and said the courts don’t like this unless you have an arrangemen5 in place which sounds like nonsense to me.

Then remembering that  on the BD night W suggested I move out and that is 5 weeks ago now and things have changed a bit.  I suggested that I would like to buy her equity in the property out. She was horrified and said a mother can never leave the family home and she started to tear up a bit. She said that she feels incredible guilt every hour of every day and that she feels like she has lost t(e kids a bit. She also believes that the kids will stay in the family home and if I stay here and she moves out it will effect her relationship wit( them forever.

w is suggesting she will fight the idea of me buying her out in this house all the way and that I should remember that the courts will see her as the main career always because she works less hours then I do. My S 17 will be 18 by the time of any divorce but daughter 15 who wants to go to university .W says that I couldn’t both buy her out and afford to pay part of my wages for D 15 . It does all get very confusing because as I understand things if I opt to negotiate and buy out he equity why would I also need to keep paying.? I will happily pay my D Expenses and school fees but W saying it will be a lot more then that.

So the unstable person blows up the family and the marriage tha5 I thought was good and she still has all the power . I think a flew things are really startin* t9 rattle her as I have always been quite kind and kinda passive but tonight.

I tabled her excessive spending. Which she apologised for and said that she needed clothes as nothing fi5 her anymore.??

She also had the expensive girls weekend away and spent up big on that.

Suggested that I could buy her out and that went down like a real lead balloon. I honesty thought that if I could arrange the loans and keep the kids in the house they have always known from birth that she may be happy with that and use the funds she gets to set up a comfortable rental and have money in bank for a future deposit. Things the kids will want t9 spend all their time here in the house they know with their dog and cat.
So although I have no res9lution on that I do feel we have come a long way from day one where she was effectively trying to bully me out of my own home to now where I am suggesting she could leave. Her suggestion is that we keep this place and bird nest as in alternate weeks and rent another apartment that we share as long as I would get a cleaner for that place as my standards would not be high enough inthe weeks she would return. If we can afford this it may be a viable option as it keeps the kids in the home they love . My issue with this is that we really need an end game and I want to untangle from her to start a new life financially. As W has brought all this chaos why should I be tipped upside down.

In what seems to be classic MLC narcissism she also went on about how she ex0lained to the kids that she has literally given all of herself away since the kids were in primary/ junior school as she needs to refine herself and connect with friends. It’s all about the care she gave and the things she did rather then being about any contribution that I have made. She did concede that I am an amazing D and great with the kids and she knows that. I think that fact is very front and center as the kids push back against her crazy behaviour and my S in particular is very much taking my side although I am saying she is your loving Mum please remember what a great mum she is . I am add8ng no fuel t9 the fire but both kids are I think a bit discusted in her behaviour , logic and reasons.

Sorry to ramble but what are your thoughts on all of that stuff.


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#63: July 14, 2020, 06:55:50 AM
I think you need to start training your brain to care less about what your w thinks is fair or sensible.....if only bc she will not be caring much about what you think is fair or sensible. You may need to fake it until you make it, my friend, but you have made a good start. No wonder your w is a bit surprised....the collective wisdom suggests she will respond with one of three flavours....angry blame and implied threats, self pity victimhood inviting your sympathy for how bad she feels or manipulative charm to try to persuade you to be 'nicer' that pushes soft spots like your concern for your kids....so caring less about her opinion about you, your choices, your feelings or your best interests will help you stay off that rollercoaster. (Your w seems to have dipped into all three in this convo  ::) )

And I think you need to get some legal guidance pronto before making any further proposals or big decisions....bc your w is not a reliable source of legal info  ::) and it may prevent you from inadvertently agreeing to things that weaken your position legally or financially. Like the moving out issue where you wisely listened to advice despite your w's attempts to persuade you that this was the 'only' or 'best' solution.

Try to get more facts so you can focus on facts and keep any conversations with your w based on (relevant) facts.
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« Last Edit: July 14, 2020, 07:00:17 AM by Treasur »
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

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Where Do I Start and what should I do
#64: July 14, 2020, 08:38:29 AM
Benson,

You will have to focus on what is right for yourself, and yourself only.   Having conversations around equity, finances, etc. is too much to a little MLC'ers brain. 

If you feel that you need a separation agreement, to protect yourself for your kids and your finances, you do not need to have this conversation with your W. 

If you are doing it as a means to be the first to act, dont as MLC'ers dont always file for D as its too much work for their confused minds.    If you are trying to scare her into returning, this doesn't work either.   Push behaviours dont get them to pop out of the tunnel, it just pushes them further in.   
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Me (W) 44 - W 42
BD - Jan 17, 2020

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#65: July 14, 2020, 08:00:44 PM
Thanks treasure and LBS. I appreciate the advice you have both given.

W did do all 3 T you are correct. Implied threats around fact she is the main carer and loads of self pity to make me feel bad.
Being more fact based is what I will do. Agree LBS you are correct although she is a smart person her eyes were glazing over and she only wants to waffle about how she feels and the price she has paid caring for the kids over last few years. She has been a great mum but that doesn’t mean she can now say fend for yourselves kids it’s my fun time now. She can do that as much as it will crush my kids but she can’t keep all the privileges that go with her former/ current life
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#66: July 14, 2020, 09:19:51 PM
As W has brought all this chaos why should I be tipped upside down.

As someone few tiny steps further down the pipe... don't get caught on this too deeply. It roots nothing but resentment and entitlement on you.  And as you know, resentment is like drinking poison and hoping the other person to die. And entitlement is not much better... You are entitled to feel you don't like what she is doing,  you are entitled to say you feel that way and you are entitled to try to reason with her and you are entitled to fight back. But thats about it and none of what you feel entitled does not necessary harbour any good.  It is her life too, and because she is running all on emotions (and zero logic), all you can do is step aside at some point (but where that point is all up to you, you do not have to roll over and die when somebody says).  So far you have given her a fair warning of consequences - and she has chosen to neglect it.   All you can do is work and protect your side of the street, but consider the expenses too. Make decisions with reason and logic; and don't let your emotions make you blind (reframing is the magic work if you want to go through this).  Approach this as 'when one door closes, another one opens'...   

My life is basically flipping upside down too.  Heck, it is pretty much becoming what many MLCrs desire....   If I wanted I could view that I'm basically losing everything I have spent the 20+ years.   But I choose not to.   Instead I opt to see this as beginning of new, possibly temporary stage that is gonna be an amazing adventure to try out something totally different than so far  And maybe the piece of rope and space that I'm giving to W allows her to face harsh consequences faster than otherwise...  I really like what Watcher wrote to Standing not so long back "This is all about you surviving her crisis.  This is not about her surviving her crisis." (or like I pondered on my own story - you are being laid off.  You should not worry how the factory is doing, you should worry how you are doing).  So right now do what is required for you to a) survive and b) then thrive. 

If my W someday reaches the end of all this and desires to look back, then the only person she can look for all the mayhem and destruction... is gonna be herself. But if and when that happens, and if I'm still around and available...  I have no idea, and I really should not build my life based on putting everything I have on stasis.   Like the vets teach:  'stand and move on' or 'don't stand and move on' - it's all up to you.
 
Alvin.
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« Last Edit: July 14, 2020, 09:34:24 PM by AlvinTheMaker »
At time of BD.... Me: 43, XW: 41
Kids: G19,G18,G14,G12,S5
Together - 20½ Years, Married 19 Years

BD ("I don't love you"): Feb 2019, 
BD2 ("I don't want to fix this marriage."), Mar 2020
D filed May 2020, D finalized Dec 2020
I have moved on, and am in new relationship.

Lessons from Stoicism and REBT helped me to exit the chaos zone and become a better person. 

"Happiness and freedom begin with a clear understanding of one principle: Some things are within our control, and some things are not. - Epictetus"

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Where Do I Start and what should I do
#67: July 14, 2020, 09:30:57 PM
@Benson

I agree with what @LBS_Les said: most MLCers cannot really seem to comprehend things like that as they are constantly acting in a state of confusion. What makes it hard to accept an MLCer's state is when they start to-for brief moments-act like the sane version of the spouse you once knew, which you mentioned happened. But that person sort of gets taken hostage ( I think they call it Prisoner on here) by Monster, which is the phase she's going into ( Replay). Sometimes you'll see Prisoner come out and act remorseful and genuinely scared and confused, which she really truly is. I remember seeing my H act like this and I felt so sad and terrible for him. He was struggling so much and was depressed at times...until Anger hit and then Monster came out. There went the kind man I knew and he was replaced by a cowardly, deceitful human that viewed me as trash and literally got rid of all my posessions. He deemed ONLY the OW and her family worthy, and occasionally, our daughter. But D not that much.

I agree regarding you getting some sort of legal seperation agreement. Protect yourself and the kids, prioritize self-care ( and care for the kids of course, and also encourage them to vocalize their feelings and what they need in order to process what's happening). Detach as much as possible

You're doing a great job!! I wish I could have remained as calm as you are, when my H began his crisis. I was an emotionally wreck, and so confused and terrified. Keep doing what your doing!
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H born in 80
I was born in 83
Started dating in 2004; both felt we were soulmates & kept that feeling for 14 yrs
Married H 2006
D born in 2008
H entered MLC in late 2017
Replay started 2018
H moved out in April 2018; started an affair with a waitress 20yrs younger
H tricked me into moving internationally, then abducted our D for A YEAR
I got D back summer 2019
Divorced Oct 2020
What's helping me:
meditation, reading/listening to audiobooks

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Where Do I Start and what should I do
#68: July 15, 2020, 04:09:12 PM
Hi Guys

Some great advice from all of you. I do agree re the finances i5 does feel like a conversation that is only happening on the  surface. It feels like an MLCer almost enjoys the game and the turmoil and that don’t want to resolve anything. Unless of course the resolution is completely 100% in their favour.  Alvin made some good points about resentment and I don’t want to get too caught up in that vibe. I do need to recreate myself as the fun dad and not be pictured as the sad stick in the mud boring guy.

I will try and work on my new character

Very stable and calm for the kids

Happy and upbeat with some activities to do for myself

Unflappablecwith the wife’s demands but watching the finances closely

Buy some new clothes and get to the gym

All that in the middle of increasing covid break outs is tricky but let’s give it a whirl.

BAM  although my S 17 has expressed loads of support and emotionally has been in my corner.. he gets that his mums new behaviour doesn’t fit with her age.. My daughter 15 however has expressed to me that she understands mums story that she has given so much of herself to the family or the two kids in particular that it is fair that she has fun now and gets happy.  I don’t think she understands that the happiness will come at the price of completely destroying our once happy family.  I don’t wan5 to  push my daughter on that and I think I will allow her to watch more strange behaviour to inform her overall opinion.

What do you think.?   Should I explain to my S the reading and research that I have been doing on MLC?  Or just allow this to play out and let the two kids observe the differences. I read the comments each night or morning and they are helping  education, inform and keep me calm so that you.
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#69: July 15, 2020, 05:11:11 PM
Benson, AlvinTM,  BritAM, well said with everything you say.  I wonder if i could be as determined as you are if it was not that my H only contacts me through infrequent texts.  BD 5/19 left 12/19.  Pretty sure there is an OW but i cannot prove that.  After the first three months of utter confusion on my part I just started detaching.  I really do not want to hurt and i cannot control what he does.

Benson, as i told you before i have adult children but the mother hen in me will forever want to protect.  However the coward in me says thank goodness i do not see what H is doing.  Although he gave his passwords to his bank account and credit card I don't want to know where he has been or what he is doing.  H broke my heart and although i am not going anywhere i really don't know how i will feel if he chooses to return.
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