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Author Topic: My Story Where Do I Start and what should I do

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My Story Where Do I Start and what should I do
#70: July 15, 2020, 05:43:58 PM
Benson, i did not see your post before I sent my last post.  But i have three adult children and as i told you before my oldest does NOT buy into MLC.  She is very angry at her Dad right now and they are mirror images of each other.  They think a like and act alike.  I am calm and since the first three months after BD i don't cry in front of them or discuss my feelings regarding their Dad unless they ask.  I have jumped in with both feet to research and ask questions about this MLC PHENOMENON.  I have shared everything i know and learn with my children.  But i do believe the relationship they have with their Dad affects how they process and use the material i share.  As i said my oldest D38 who is exactly like her Dad, although they butted heads while she was growing up, calls BS on MLC.  My second D32 is the logical one of the three and studying to be a nurse she understands the possibilities but it still hurts.  For my S31 his Dad is his hero, he told me that his Dad was everything S31 ever wanted to be.  They are all confused and are unveiling this MLC and the hurt it's causing in their own way.

 Guess my point is you know your children best and should educate yourself and them in a way you believe they can handle and process the info.  I believe if you provide the tools to help them understand it will make it easier on you.  Your children are young and fragile.  I have heard children are resilient but i believe what they see while they are young they never forget.
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#71: July 15, 2020, 07:01:38 PM
My opinion is to let the children work it out for themselves. To an extent, anyway. Both of my kids are all about not being mad at anyone and it's ALLLLL OK. Hurts like I can't tell you, but they are both over 18 and get to make their own choices. I don't dwell on it, but sometimes something happens that is like another slap in the face. Welcome to the real world where you don't always get what you want.  :P 

They both know how I feel, they don't know the whole story and I will only tell what is asked of me. They both DO know. because I have said so in no uncertain  terms, if either of them does anything like that to a significant other, I will kick them around the  moon (figuratively speaking, of course). I will not be the " Oh, that's ok, you deserve to be happy" mother, but I wouldn't have been that person anyway. It's not how I was raised. You own what you do, you do the absolute best you can, and if it still doesn't work out, OK. That happens.

So back to your kids, these are good conversation opportunities. When your D says she  "understands mums story that she has given so much of herself to the family or the two kids in particular that it is fair that she has fun now and gets happy", you might ask her "So, we've never really had this conversation. What does marriage mean to you? What do you think being a parent means? I'd like to hope I have taught you X, Y and Z. How do you feel about that?" or you might say" You do? I don't, can you explain it to me, because I thought we were having fun as a family, so I must have missed something." Then listen, because my kids saw their father circling the drain long before I did.

Because when my D23 said "people just fall out of love", I internally hit the roof, and externally said "When you decided that *xboyfriend* was not for you, did you yell at him for three days? Did you tell him you should never have met him? Did you gaslight him, lie to him or lie about him to everyone?" and she looked at me and said "Of course not!" I said, " Did you decide you had never been happy with him and that all the good times you had weren't really good at all?" D just shook her head. I said, "There is a difference between falling out of love, or finding you don't have enough common ground to stay together and rewriting all of your history so you can justify ignoring honor, integrity, loyalty and morals, all while blaming the other person for your own issues. Don't ever mistake one for the other. One leaves with sorrow that it didn't work, the other leaves with confusion or cruelty and glee at their cruelty."  D is still amazed when I talk about past events that her father and I participated in. She does not understand why he wouldn't remember that. I have pictures. It happened. It was fun, He was smiling. I know, I was such a horrible human being I MADE him have fun and smile. Had to have been  my fault. But I digress.

S21 is another story altogether. He wants to pretend it's all normal. That kid has no choice but to end up in his own MLC if he can't get his head out, but he lives with his father right now. His choice. Nothing I can do. It's really sad for me to watch. But every so often there is still a teaching moment that isn't a shove it down his throat moment. I have to wait for that..."opportune moment" and make the most of it when it happens. Like when S let it slip about his Dad's girlfriend (which I had already figured out) and I said "Does she treat you well?" (It really was the only thing I cared about) and his response? "She has questionable morals." I asked him if she treated him well and his response was about questionable morals. How does that even equate?  I asked him how he felt about that and I got the standard "I don't know." I said "At least you are learning what doesn't seem right to you. It's good to know your own morals are still there."

Kids don't get cooked until they are about 25, IMO. Be there for them. You don't have to be "I'm so happy!!!!" all the time. Be you, be real. Have good days and bad ones, just like real people do.

All this is MOO. Your mileage may vary. Most people's mileage does.
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« Last Edit: July 15, 2020, 07:04:24 PM by OffRoad »
When life gives you lemons, make SALSA!

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Where Do I Start and what should I do
#72: July 15, 2020, 07:22:46 PM
@5hilmerton

MLC is truly brutal for the LBS and one's kids. After the NIGHTMARE my D and I endured over the past two or so years, I'm taking solace in the fact I don't usually get emails or contact from H, and ( THANK YOU GOD) he doesn't live in the country. At least, not yet. He appears to have a plan to bring the OW over ( more like it's her plan to get a green card) and all of a sudden, I got an email from him trying to get me to file for divorce. I also found out that literally everything I owned and collected ( pre MLC) is gone.

This is oddly enough the action that helped me emotionally detach the most, because the old H-the one I was with for 14 or so years- new VERY well how much some of my belongings meant to me. I collect certain things, and I don't have the ability/funds to buy them again. He and I actually both collected them together. This showed me that he's gone. No empathy chip, no sanity, no real plan ( I'm sure OW is the one with the plan).

I do believe in MLC but I personally think that the percentage of people who come out of the tunnel transformed and renewed may be a heck of a lot smaller than we think. Just my opinion and I hope I'm wrong.

I'll probably never get over how he turned on me and essentially destroyed my life and did cruel things. I look forward to getting the paperwork over with ( hard for me to confront doing but he's insisting I do it by this weekend....again, everything is for the MLCer and their benefit, and we just don't exist or matter to them)

I wanted to mention also I think MLC is a lot more common than mainstream society knows. I spoke with my paralegal and he told me his exW went through a crisis, very similar to MLC. He said one day they were holding hands, walking their youngest to school, and LITERALLY the next day, he was served divorce papers and found out she was indeed cheating.

She ended up marrying the man and took one of their kids to Asia ( which is where I lived before H convinced me to move in with my mom in Portland) for a few years. Anyhow, turns out the OM was abusive. She eventually left him.

My paralegal told me that he too went through unfathomable emotional pain and was equally as stunned and felt heartbroken, and he swore he'd never get married again.

22 years later, he's still with his wife and happy. Meanwhile, his ex is alone, and has admitted she regrets what she did. The kids are cordial with her but will never forget what she did.

I don't know how all of a sudden I'm finally able to detach, but I'm so grateful for it. I'm a HIGHLY emotional person, and I swear this whole thing almost killed me. My paralegal said he too has never experienced pain like what his ex put him through. But the good news is that their appears to be life and happiness after we LBSs recover and heal from the trauma we've endured.

On another note, I don't read my H's emails anymore bc it triggers me too much. I have someone else read them and then relay the information so I can try and respond calmly and take out my usual emotion, and not confront him. I did stand up for myself in my last email from him where he tried to make me file by the weekend...when the MFer just told me a week ago he wanted us to finally file.

@Benson It's a good idea to emotionally detach and not react, but don't repress emotions either. Can you get counceling or talk to a friend? I spent the first few months post bomb drop talking to friends pretty much all day, to both express my pain and frustration.
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H born in 80
I was born in 83
Started dating in 2004; both felt we were soulmates & kept that feeling for 14 yrs
Married H 2006
D born in 2008
H entered MLC in late 2017
Replay started 2018
H moved out in April 2018; started an affair with a waitress 20yrs younger
H tricked me into moving internationally, then abducted our D for A YEAR
I got D back summer 2019
Divorced Oct 2020
What's helping me:
meditation, reading/listening to audiobooks

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Where Do I Start and what should I do
#73: July 15, 2020, 11:13:55 PM
I agree with BAM about getting counseling if you can. If your work has an EAP (Employee Assistance Program) now is a good time to take advantage of it. Just being able to talk through things with another person with an outside perspective was really helpful for me.

About talking to the kids... I'll say that what you DO is going to be way more important than anything you SAY. I advise just being calm and supportive of them. If they see you being OK, it will help them feel OK.

In my case, I never talked to my kids about all that happened. If they were to ask I would answer truthfully, but they've never asked. I never told them about xW's affairs, for example. I'm not suggesting you keep secrets; just telling you what I did. Yes, it bothers me sometimes that they don't know everything that xW put me through and I suspect she's given them some disinformation. I suspect some day they will ask about what happened, but right now they are getting on with their lives and my relationship with them has been great. That's been my experience. Your mileage may vary.
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"I'm slowly learning to expect nothing and appreciate everything."

Together 28 years, married 27. Two adult kids, ours

BD #1: 2016 - EA  |  BD #2: 2018 - FA

W moved out - June 2019 | OM#3 - July 2019
W asks for divorce - August 2019 | Divorce final - September 2019 | Moving on

My thread: https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=11537.new#new

New Here? Read this! http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=1149.0

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#74: July 17, 2020, 10:30:24 PM
Hi Everyone
I am getting a lot from your feedback. Most days I am reading each of your threads also to get more of an understanding and connection to you guys. The behaviour similarities are incredible. The hard part is knowing how bad things will likely get, you are giving me a roadmap of the future. I don’t believe anyone in W s family is seeing any of this. My emotionally intelligent S 17 is the only other person watching this play out. My beautiful 15 yo daughter is sweet and nice so see M having fun now as totally fine. She doesn’t understand the gravity of breaking our vows, breaking our family or the financial caos this is causing.

It’s a bit like having a new favourite on Netflix that you can’t tell anyone about. Would Ws Mum who was a big parts of wife’s childhood pain be up for fixing things now? I don’t think so just in shock but acceptance of the I don’t love him anymore.

I am reading through everyone’s thread who is giving feedback and I think you are all incredible. Not many who are well along the healing stage would come back get I. The dirt and keep giving. I almost wonder as people with care and emotional intelligence if people like us are often the perfect MLC targets or victims.  By caring a lot if does make us all more vulnerable

I am going to stick with the reading , the plan and the healing . Who knows may even get to buy some if you a coffee in future days when COVID goes and Aussie to USA in reality. I have visited 40 states in the USA as a young traveller and I liove your co  in country . It is the home of big dreams and hopefully all of our horizons will look better down the track.

Thankyou
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#75: July 18, 2020, 12:27:01 AM
She doesn’t understand the gravity of breaking our vows, breaking our family or the financial caos this is causing.

... and it's not your daughter or son's job (but they will learn some from the experience).  They are your kids, and you can only be the rock and the lighthouse in this storm.

You focus on saving you (as a human, as a father, as a financial caretaker of yourself and your kids), and you look after your kids to best of your abilities.

Let you W focus on saving herself (as a human, as a mother, as a financial caretaker of herself and her kids), and let her look after her kids to best of her abilities.

The kids do not have to choose between the two of you, but they can and may (and that is something where for example emotional and financial stability may play a role, so you want to be best of you and you can also let it show [call it 'parental marketing 'or whatever, LOL]).  Just stick with your true values and truth, and show you love them, and you will do well. 

When the storm passess (and looking at it from where I am now, it can be decade or two from now, or it can be just few years away), and when everybody makes to the other side (and it will happen eventually), it's gonna be an all new situation.    Just like you would have been in real world storm on the sea, and you have been pulled and drifted apart.  You two either start a new life where you are (because it's a big wide ocean and finding each other is gonna be way harder than catching new fish), or she comes looking for you (be the lighthouse, and she will know where to find you).

I think it's Thunder who's written time and again the advice "take this as multi-year holiday".  Improve yourself, enjoy your life, move on if necessary or opportunity knocks....  what you see in this depends largely on the glassess you are wearing.    You have the power to take off the "doom and gloom" goggless and replace them with "survive and thrive" goggless. 

Alvin.
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« Last Edit: July 18, 2020, 01:03:41 AM by AlvinTheMaker »
At time of BD.... Me: 43, XW: 41
Kids: G19,G18,G14,G12,S5
Together - 20½ Years, Married 19 Years

BD ("I don't love you"): Feb 2019, 
BD2 ("I don't want to fix this marriage."), Mar 2020
D filed May 2020, D finalized Dec 2020
I have moved on, and am in new relationship.

Lessons from Stoicism and REBT helped me to exit the chaos zone and become a better person. 

"Happiness and freedom begin with a clear understanding of one principle: Some things are within our control, and some things are not. - Epictetus"

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#76: July 18, 2020, 01:12:36 AM
Benson,

I know how hard it can be to not only be going through this but then to read stories of how cruel MLCers can be and how low they can go. It can truly be unfathomable what they do, but it doesn't mean your W may go the extreme route some do ( Like my H, soon to be XH sadly). She's in a state of total confusion and cycling emotions right now, and as Alvin said, it's her job now to worry about herself. You focus on you and your wonderful kids, and find as much support as you possibly can.

Things somehow work out for the best. Sometimes it's not the way any of us thought it would be. Sometimes we go through horrible trials and are hurt by the people we love most. I don't know how I'll even be able to see my H again without feeling immense pain and sadness, but ( hopefully) that will be in a few years, meanwhile D and I will continue to flourish here in our new home. We have a tremendous support system, far beyond what we had in Thailand. There is an incredible music scene here ( I love electronic music like synthwave) so it made it easy for me to 'get a life'. My daughter is surrounded by family and so many friends, it's incredible.

So while we have had horrible heartbreak and pain, we also have the other things that we didn't have back in Thailand. Alot of things, actually. Much more stability. I still feel hurt and days can be rough. I still think about the memories he and I shared. I'm still confused and broken. But I do have hope now!

Focus as much as you possibly can on prioritizing your self care, kids, and finances. And yes, I'd love to grab coffee someday!
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H born in 80
I was born in 83
Started dating in 2004; both felt we were soulmates & kept that feeling for 14 yrs
Married H 2006
D born in 2008
H entered MLC in late 2017
Replay started 2018
H moved out in April 2018; started an affair with a waitress 20yrs younger
H tricked me into moving internationally, then abducted our D for A YEAR
I got D back summer 2019
Divorced Oct 2020
What's helping me:
meditation, reading/listening to audiobooks

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Where Do I Start and what should I do
#77: July 18, 2020, 02:39:47 AM
I love electronic music like synthwave ....

Totally off topic ...

BAM...  I'm in the club too  ;)   As is Standing Strong if I recall correctly  :o

One of those things I hope/await from new life is reviving my love for electronica to full  (STBXW never really liked that kind of music or mixes I made for fun).   And I want to dance my heart out with it too  (old ravers never stop I think LOL)  :)

Sorry for hijacking the topic, Benson.... But see, there is joy in GAL.   Go after the stuff that you loved.   If it doesn't feel good right now that is okey too. But when you get into right mood, the spark will come.

Alvin.
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« Last Edit: July 18, 2020, 02:52:48 AM by AlvinTheMaker »
At time of BD.... Me: 43, XW: 41
Kids: G19,G18,G14,G12,S5
Together - 20½ Years, Married 19 Years

BD ("I don't love you"): Feb 2019, 
BD2 ("I don't want to fix this marriage."), Mar 2020
D filed May 2020, D finalized Dec 2020
I have moved on, and am in new relationship.

Lessons from Stoicism and REBT helped me to exit the chaos zone and become a better person. 

"Happiness and freedom begin with a clear understanding of one principle: Some things are within our control, and some things are not. - Epictetus"

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#78: July 21, 2020, 04:32:27 PM
Hi Alvin

All cool re hijacking post. I take your point about GAL as I have rejoined the gym this week and planning to do a few classes. The stress has already stripped a few kilos off so I am working on me and focussed.

Sounds like the music is also a great interest for you and D BAM. Great to have a common interest with the kids I am manager of my 15 D netball team this year which just means scoring and a few basic info emails. Will give her and I a few hours of connect most weeks atleast.

Opinion Guys.  When in a relatively sane mood the other night W suggest the idea of birdnesting as in leaving the kids in the house and renting a unit that her and I alternate in and out week by week.

I still think as the reliable and stable parent who’s not acting 17  I should stick to my guns and tell her that if you want out of what we have here you should move out.

Love seeing my kids and animals every single day and I am not seeking FUN or CHANGE. Maybe some fun but not in the overt teenage way that W is chasing.

One of my concerns is that if I go missing week by week at this stage I will have no idea whAt the $$$ and lack of adult support for my teens will look like.

How are you guys going this week?
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#79: July 22, 2020, 04:04:19 AM
Hello Benson,
Process Engineer in me asking; who would pay for for the additional unit and costs to maintain?  Reminds me of when my oldest D was a TEENAGER, she came to me and said she was ready to move out on her own.  She said she and her friend wanted to get an apartment together.  So i said ok put a plan together and let me see how you will manage.  She went off and when she came back she handed me her plan.

Her friend and her would save enough money to look for a place ????
Mom and Dad would pay her half of their rent
She would eat, wash her clothes and food shop at home at Mom and Dads house.
I laughed and said "NO DEAL". I told her we would not pay for her to be irresponsible.  However if she could support herself she was certainly old enough to do so.

I guess our MLC'rs think we should support their exploration of their youth.  I know we cannot control them and to some extent we do support their craziness for individual reasons.  But i truly believe you should not penalize yourself and the remaining stability of your children.

Yes stick to your guns you are the stable parent and she does NOT deserve enablement.  Live your life in the best way you can with your beautiful children. As I understand the requests and actions will only get more bizarre.

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