[heartbeat]

I don’t want to be here but here I am, because the last few months I’ve been lurking and I truly don’t have anywhere else to turn for this.

For the record of this forum, hi, I’m a heartbeat. For context purposes, I’m a 34 year old nonbinary person who looks like Tinkerbell and I accept she/her pronouns but honestly am more of a they/them. I like to joke that I am not a woman but I have woman-shaped problems. I include this with an open heart and a lot of fear of rejection, but I’m trying to be candid as I unpack my unfortunate journey through all this.

I’m bisexual, and the partner I was with was my heart and soul for eleven years. Never married (he had commitment issues and… well… ughhhh) and neither of us ever wanted kids. Adopted two cats during the pandemic. I got together with him when I was 23. He is 14 years older than me. Within months of meeting and LDR kind of dating, I moved to his home country (South Africa). There was some challenge there, but he sponsored my visa as a partner. It was a beautiful time. We both loved travel, good veg cooking, and creative pursuits. I’ve been a freelance illustrator and graphic designer since then, as I studied it in college. He always had somewhat more stable jobs in tech. Combined with his older age, he was always more of the breadwinner, but for a long time it didn’t matter. He had a house when I met him, an inherited property from family. I liked living abroad and hadn’t wanted to live in my home country for quite some time anyway.

We had our ups and downs through the relationship. I was fairly upfront about my queerness, and my feelings toward it. He discovered some about his own identity both with gender and sexuality, and our relationship was a safe place for it. There’s more depth to that subject, but I’m not sure I want to put it out there. It’s important to me to note that I grew a lot in that time, and in turn I did what I could to create that love and safety around me. This was especially important because honestly, South Africa is a somewhat conservative place and has the troubles of a post-conflict nation.

I’ve never had the most stable career, but in 2019 I was making real moves. I had been going to trade shows and trying to network. I really felt like I was close to a breakthrough in spite of my anxiety around turning 30. The economy of South Africa is and was bad, but I had a lot of hope that I could still reach international clients and just find enough. I had side hustles galore, but I really was trying. Then, in early 2020, I learned my grandfather was dying. I needed to go visit the US to say goodbye. There were warnings brewing around Covid, but I had no idea what was about to happen. I boarded a flight in March expecting to be a little more cautious around travel, but I only had one chance. Two days after I landed, firetruck me running, the borders shut. I cannot express the level of stress I felt. I was not only dealing with a familial death, but literally the whole world shut down, and I would not be able to get home. I’m condensing a lot here, but this trauma is important for me to mention. Because of the restrictions around the borders, it took me eight months to return home to my partner. I lost all my income. I barely had time to process the family loss because the whole world slid from underneath me. And dealing with the bureaucracy of South Africa, which was tenuous even outside a crisis, made me realize how unstable I would always be there as a non-citizen.

When I did return, I hoped things would improve. They did, sort of, but my partner and I were both struggling. I developed some intense PTSD symptoms. The crime in the area that we were living in had risen amid the crisis, and with no vaccines in sight yet, I became extremely hypervigilant. My eyelids no longer open all the way and I suspect it’s because of how little I could sleep or function. He was in a toxic job that paid extremely well. He held on to it because he felt it would be good for his retirement, and I had little I could say. At that point we lived in his house together. He didn’t mind being the primary earner, he always had been, but I was struggling because all my means of income and side hustles along with my PTSD were making it hard to work. Neither of us wanted to stay, so we began looking at options for moving abroad. The conversation was not new- being that we came from different countries, it was a frequent conversation over years of our relationship. We chose the Netherlands for the reason that we’d both have visa options. At the tail end of 2022, we moved together.

Now, I realize this is a lot of run up, but it does feel important to contextualize what I think was the decline. Cut to 2023. He worked for the same company that he hated and had been running into the ground. I’ve not had significant income for years, and I desperately was trying to rebuild. I got rejected from every single job I applied for that year. My fear and frustration were off the charts. In tandem, he was showing symptoms of burnout. I blamed myself. I worried for him. His income was enough, but he was unable to detatch from his work. He would mention work every time he was in a room with me. He would crash at the end of the day and want to do nothing but watch TV. Once, he took a phone call from his job while we were in bed together. When I asked him questions about anything in the future, he’d get irritable. I was hard on myself because I feared I wasn’t doing enough. For a few months, I convinced him to go on burnout leave, so he was able to stop working and still pulled a salary. It wasn’t enough. I decided to try to build a new freelance business and get a visa that way, because I wanted to help him switch jobs.

I found out during 2023 that the grandparent who died had left some inheritance. Not a lot, but it was something to get me started again. I was open and transparent with him about my plans, but money was always a stressful subject for me. I was worried of failing, I was worried of things going wrong. Our apartment was too expensive and we both spoke of moving. At some point, I reminded him that I’d be happy to even move to a different country if he was too unhappy with this one. I was facing my own burnout from hypervigilance and PTSD, but I ultimately wanted him to be happier and not crashing all the time. When he did this, he’d cite his job, and I believed him. At one point he said he fantasized about traveling around the world for a year. There were things he wanted to do before 50. I was a bit alarmed and confused because he had also said he wanted to retire early. He said he wanted a European passport, which was a time investment of around 5 years, and he had also already invested almost a year. I said I’d be fine with him doing some solo travel, but a year did feel like a lot, and I wanted to know more. He brushed it off and said it was just a fantasy. Stupid me for trusting, because I trusted that the man who didn’t lie for the many years of our relationship was still there and was telling the truth.

In November of 2023, a few months before our lease was up, I finally was able to access the inheritance. I asked him to look over the email and my sheets for a business plan so I could withdraw some and get things started. I was extremely anxious at this time but trying to see the bright side. Finally, I could significantly contribute and maybe turn things around. Finally, I could help him. The minute I sent the email, the bomb dropped, to use the phrasing of this board.

I didn’t know what to think, because he began saying things that barely made sense. He told me he wanted a relationship, but he no longer wanted a nesting relationship. Smiles. Hugs. I was confused. He said he wanted to go travel and take a solo trip home. We had spoken about that in the year and I thought it was a good idea, but I was confused by the framing until he said he didn’t think he was going to come back to the Netherlands. He said he didn’t want to move. He said he had to be free to find himself. firetruck, so this was a breakup then? I asked and he said… no. I asked if there was someone else. He said no. I asked him if I could visit him at some point in these travels. Again, the answer was no. I asked if I could contact him even and he said he wanted to go no-contact for a while. I grew extremely upset, because none of it was making sense, and I asked what that left of the relationship and he said it was a ‘strong emotional bond.’ I asked him ‘oh, so just vibes?’

Of course the confusion got laced with other things too. He said I was a backpack. When I told him this was calling me a burden, he denied it. Then he followed up by saying that he felt like he had been bailing out a sinking ship and had to swim for shore. He said I simply had to choose my best option and ‘save myself.’ He compared our relationship to carrying a wounded hiker down a mountain. He said he was like a bird who wanted to fly away and I was holding him down to the nest. It made no sense, and it hurt. He said he still loved me. He said he still wanted a future with me. But then when I said that his leaving in this way put a lot on me, he’d get upset, and then deny he was angry at all.

His abandonment left me in an extremely bad place. Because I wasn’t the breadwinner, finding new housing was near impossible. There is a housing crisis of note in the Netherlands. I can barely prove income because I’m trying to get up again. Here I finally had the chance, and it was coming apart. I noted this and he smugly said ‘you can do it.’ He mocked me in tone. I couldn’t keep the place we were in, it was far too expensive, and I wasn’t eligible to be the lease holder. I suddenly was on the hook for thousands in expenses around a visa change at the exact same time. My lifeline was shrinking rapidly, and I had to re-write an entire business plan, because I had just lost the overhead. When I laid all this out, he acted guilty (not remorseful, guilty). He offered some financial help, which I took. He said he felt like he was actually doing a lot to help. It was a mess.

I ended up finding a place through a freak stroke of luck with a friend of a friend in a house not far from the city we had been based in. It took weeks of wading through all this. All the while, he would say he loved me, but then flip-flop. I love you, I want a future. I have to go, I have to fix myself. I can’t fix myself in the context of our current relationship. To our queer friends, he’d say that we were rearranging our relationship dynamic. To our straight ones, he’d say we were separating. To me, he’d say he wanted something in the future but if I felt like he couldn’t be what I needed, I should just make the best decision for myself. Essentially I believe he was trying to force me to call off the relationship while making me do the work of the breakup. I howled and cried and he said he couldn’t handle my big emotions. I suggested counseling and he went back and forth on it. He said he just couldn’t commit to anything.

I asked about dating other people or having sex and what he expected. Of course, at first he said no. And then, the truth slithered out. He wanted the freedom to go have sex with people. In his words, while laughing in my face, he said he needed to ‘have some fun.’ While my life was falling apart he tried to make this sound innocent. The deepest irony to me is that our relationship has always included being somewhat open. Sex wasn’t the problem or the dealbreaker, it was clearly about the relationship, but he got SO angry when I noted this. And then he would say he didn’t feel anger, while balling his fists up and squirming his face and shutting down in front of me. Then we’d make up. He’d say how much he loved me. We slept in the same bed and I’d cry at night.

There are books of detail I’m skimming over, there’s so many hurtful things. But it was hell to be in limbo. I refused to call things off because if I did, then it would be ‘my’ responsibility. And truthfully, I didn’t want it. After 11 years he was still the only person I wanted to be with, but he disappeared in front of me.

This carried on until February. Weeks before I had to get out of the apartment, his dad was diagnosed with terminal cancer. His big plans of traveling were suddenly very changed. Two days before he left, he finally said he wanted to break up because it was the only way to ‘rebuild.’ There’s so much detail in this story I can’t even recount. I said it wasn’t fair and he acted childish. This entire time had felt like a breakup for me, one that I carried all the weight for, and he had refused to cop to it until the very last moment.

I moved, and I have spent weeks just stabilizing. My new place isn’t what I need in life but it’s fine. I’m sitting here typing this because I am out of energy. I’ve still barely been able to work. Most of the last month and a half has been admin and cleanup. I am living with the owner of the house. The shower has an electrified handle that the owner isn’t fixing, and I can’t legally get someone involved without having to also live with her for the remainder of this year, so I have had to go to the gym to shower. My cats can live here, for which I’m grateful, but it’s expensive, and I’m currently living off the inheritance while trying to get freelance work. I haven’t made much money at all since this happened and I will never stop feeling bad about it.

He went no contact for March. At the end, he emailed me and… no remorse. No nothing. After all his plans of traveling the world, he’s looking for a place in South Africa because he says he needs stability. I get that his dad’s cancer is part of this and not his fault, but the irony hurts. He left behind all the photos and physical mementos of the relationship because he said he’d be living out of a backpack, but then he took his cookware. The hurt is so tender. He emailed again a couple weeks ago to update about his dad and said he understood if I couldn’t respond. The trouble is, I’m in so much pain and I barely know how to process it. How can I let this person back in? If I tell him I’m doing well, he gets to excuse himself for all the pain he’s caused and minimize it, as he did while leaving. If I’m honest about my struggle, he will shut down and turn it back on me, as he did while leaving. I dream of him coming back. I worry no one will ever love me again. And yet I can’t respond.

I have about a million more details. I’m mainly just tired. I wish I could shower at home. I worry no one will ever love me again. I’m worried I’ll run out of money and get kicked out of the country. Nobody is safe to be around. The acknowledgement of my gender and sexuality doesn’t exist with a straight roommate who is kind, but can only offer advice on straight relationships and women empowering themselves. It’s an incredibly isolating experience and I wish I could find my crowd. I don’t have a lot of friends here because I’ve only just cleared a year, and honestly, I can barely get up some days.

I’ve tried to confide to friends who don’t live close and I have a lot who are helpful, some who are not. A lot are saying ‘you just gotta pick yourself back up and take responsibility!’ It’s infuriating because I… have. I moved myself and my cats, I go to the gym, I have re-started my business even if it hasn’t made money. I went through the grueling process of a move and I’m still working through a visa change. I’ve done my tax stuff and I have begun to find little events to go to again in an attempt to balance off my extremely limited budget with my mental health. I’ve stayed on my antidepressants and I go to the gym (now a necessity because I can’t even shower at home). I genuinely wish I could just make enough money and move out. But firetruck… I’m so angry. I’m so sad. The betrayal of his resentment building and no attempt to fix things, and then dangling preposterous ideas in front of me while saying he tried his best is too much to bear.

I have to go shower, which means, I have to get up. I have to go the the gym. I have to go to a public shower after getting a workout in. My bones are tired and all I’ve done today is cry.

I’m not sure why I’m posting, honestly, but I have to try something. No one in my immediate life seems to understand this experience at all. It’s so eerie to read stories on here sometimes because of how similar it is, so I have to try to find anyone who can understand.

This is a mess, sorry. I really do have to go leave my house so I can shower and I just hope I can do it without sobbing and feeling dysphoric in the women’s room hoping that no one notices.

[Helpnewc]

Dear Heartbeat,

There is something about discovering a level of pain you did not know that existed and being in that undiscovered country that makes you lose your way. When the one you trust and loved the most disappears and transforms into a creature you did not recognise it is fundamentally destabilising.

But yes, it has happened and they are not there anymore. I thought for years my wife was in there but I have realised she is not.

The years of resentment. Bottling up feelings builds to this place. And a level of cruelty to you that is difficult to comprehend because you did not know you have built that resentment. And the lack of any will to repair is incomprehensible.

But as hard as all that is. And it is frigging hard. There is nothing rational going on and there is nothing you can do to change that mindset of your loved one.

What you can do is it accept that is where he is and make good decisions for you. Whatever those decisions are.

But it is awful and wrong. I laughed for the first time in two years with my daughters today. I miss my wife each day but I know she is gone.

But what I am slowing building is a new life. New connections and gathering strength.

You will do that too. But somehow letting go of that person is hard.

But you have time. Use it. And also don’t throw out the good. It was there. It was real.

[MadLuv]

For me what helped to click in my mind was that I felt insane because I could not under who I believe d him to be could be or was capable of what he did. I had to accept that he was an avoidant that held resentments for years and then decided he was entitled to do what he needed to do. The most important thing was to stop having expectations of him. I was holding him to MY standards. What I couldn’t possibly do, but he was not me.  They are weak individuals who escape life instead of looking within and there is nothing you can do. Nothing!!! They have to do the work.

[heartbeat]

Dear Heartbeat,

There is something about discovering a level of pain you did not know that existed and being in that undiscovered country that makes you lose your way. When the one you trust and loved the most disappears and transforms into a creature you did not recognise it is fundamentally destabilising.

But yes, it has happened and they are not there anymore. I thought for years my wife was in there but I have realised she is not.

The years of resentment. Bottling up feelings builds to this place. And a level of cruelty to you that is difficult to comprehend because you did not know you have built that resentment. And the lack of any will to repair is incomprehensible.

But as hard as all that is. And it is frigging hard. There is nothing rational going on and there is nothing you can do to change that mindset of your loved one.

What you can do is it accept that is where he is and make good decisions for you. Whatever those decisions are.

But it is awful and wrong. I laughed for the first time in two years with my daughters today. I miss my wife each day but I know she is gone.

But what I am slowing building is a new life. New connections and gathering strength.

You will do that too. But somehow letting go of that person is hard.

But you have time. Use it. And also don’t throw out the good. It was there. It was real.

I wish I could do this.

I don’t think I can.
He said he loved me even as he walked away, and I don’t know how to believe that anymore. I miss so many things but he never loved me. He never cared. He never wanted me. I wasted my entire youth on someone who would turn around and call me a burden and I believe it and I want to lay down on train tracks.

[KayDee]

Dear Heartbeat,

So sorry you are here and that you are in the midst of such pain. Your partner is in crisis. He hit a point of being so overwhelmed that his coping mechanisms failed. He fractured and reverted to the maladaptive coping tactic of running. It's very, very common on this forum to see someone do this when their partner needs them the most. Sometimes it is good pressure (new baby, new house, exciting career promotion), sometimes bad (lost job, bereavement etc). The crisis person, perhaps already burdened with their own depression, own dis-ease, seems not to be able to handle the additional needs of their partner. So, in this respect, it is true that your partner felt a 'burden' - but it is only the normal 'load' that we take on in the ebbs and flows of a mutually supporting and loving relationship. Can you reframe this? Think of it as him not being able to cope enough to keep his own mental health afloat. If he does not have enough for himself, he won't have much left for you. None of this is an excuse for bad behaviour, or the terrible choices some people make when they hit crisis, but if you can try to reframe it -  that it is not about you - it will really help you start to put one foot in front of the other. Get on the path to your healing and strength, so that, if you choose to be with your partner again in the future, you are strong and able to handle the challenges of reconnecting.

The things your partner says now? Well, you can already hear that they are confused and all over the place. So many of us here heard 'I love you' one day and 'I don't the next'. My H said 'this relationship is everything I want' and the next day 'we have no future'. Now, 20 odd months in, he can't remember saying any of it. This is also common. So better not to hold onto these words, because they are like cries of pain. (Treasur calls them emotion burps )

Some other wise folks will come along and give you more input. My advice will be similar I suspect. Focus on yourself - if you can get therapy do it ASAP. Confide in a close friend or family member (try to avoid doing this with mutual friends, it gets messy), take exercise and if you are able, focus on something productive - like your business venture. Your H says you can do it, and I suspect he is right. You can. Perhaps it's too early for this, but sometimes having some positive distractions can be amazing.

Your partner cannot cope with any pressure at the moment - if you can, drop the emotional rope. Let him be, he has internal issues only he can work out on his own. It is hard - most of us will say it is the hardest thing we've ever had to endure, but if you have been reading other stories you will see, we all get through it, most of us with added strength and life skills. Perhaps it is too early for you to hear this also, but I want you to know, you will be alright. Hugs, KD

[Helpnewc]

Dear Heartbeat,

Don’t do that. I do get the feeling.

He is telling himself a story to justify what he is doing. He did love you. Something has snapped and it does not make the past a lie.

I am 2 years in. It does get better and although I wanted the pain to end. I have seen the harm that an act of self harm does to those left behind. I don’t mean to be critical of those that get there, as they see no other way and think the world is better without them.

That is how they feel but it’s not the truth.


I get how you are feeling. I have been there. It’s a place a never thought you thought you would be.

So let’s do the basics, you need to eat, you need to exercise, you need to sleep. Make some plans about that and also find someone to talk to who is a professional.

You will survive. Many here have. You will be a better person than you are although it is a $h!te way to get there.

[UrsaMajor]

Dear Heartbeat,

Oh yeah, been there, felt that. I was in the (maybe) enviable position of being in a VERY high-stress period in my job so I could focus on that instead of the bat-snot crazy that was coming out of MLCxW's mouth in terms of revisionist history. 

Just to make the point clear in an example that this has NOTHING to do with you - If you absolutely hated eating liver and onions and going to the gym, would you REALLY eat live and onions and go to the gym every day for 7 - 8 years? Not only that, would you move to a different country, and then STILL keep eating liver and onions as well as finding a brand new gym  to join so you could go to the gym in your new place of residence? Probably not.  Just proves the point that, no matter the spew coming out now, it was NOT "always" that way.  It is what he is telling hiimself (and you) so he can justify his actions and not have to feel like the "bad guy."

Like others have said, now is the time for you to take care of you. Eating, sleeping, exercise (even if that means taking a walk in the fresh air - the Netherlands are getting a bit of a storm at the moment  I know - I am in Germany and we're getting it tomorrow), meditation/prayer/therapy - whatever suits you and fills your needs are super important at the moment.

Also, in my tagline, there is a link to the "Survival Guide" for those who have had the bomb dropped on them. In it there is LOTS of information on getting your own 2 feet firmly back under you after having the rug pulled out from under your feet.....

This is a community of people who have been through what you are going through in some fashion so you will find support here. Since we are a world-wide group, there is almost always someone online from somewhere in the world so you can likely expect someone to reply within a few hours to half a day.

In the meantime, channel your inner Tinkerbell <grin>

[Lostinthewoods]

Hi everything hurts,
So sorry that you are going through this heartache and pain. It is as much physical as it is mental.
Some of the things they say are horrible.
My MLCER for example doing the first few years into BD told me he would choose the OW over me anyway and yesterday he claimed he never said such a thing and has always wanted me and that i have not accepted him and have given him a tough time so anotger reaso that our relationship will not work.  We start questioning our reality. ( still doing it, the vets here will guide you and give you the right insight)
Take care because extreme thoughts are very common. Please remember you are precious. And no matter what the mlcer says like UM says many a times they talk just to spite and hurt you.
It takes a lot of time to start crawling let alone standing up.
You need good friends who you can confide in and if possible therapy. It helps. Sending hugs

[Treasur]

First of all, I am so so sorry that both you and your partner have had these last few years full of turmoil and uncertainty. I say that first bc it is real and it takes a toll, and imho it’s important to be kind and realistic with oneself about that.

And what that toll tends to highlight is that people react to it in different ways. Yours was to try harder to rebuild a shared life in a place that felt safer. Your partner’s was essentially to bin the old shared life and run away. As someone else said, it is not uncommon here that these folks do this following significant life events, when life gets a bit tough or when the LBS is overwhelmed dealing with something else. It is very early on for you so it will be hard for you to see the wood for the trees yet, but these reactions - yours and his - say much more about who you are when life gets hard and very little about who the other person is. But you might need to hear that this isn’t your fault, that you did not cause it and that it is not something you could have controlled or changed.

Dear Heartbeat,

There is something about discovering a level of pain you did not know that existed and being in that undiscovered country that makes you lose your way. When the one you trust and loved the most disappears and transforms into a creature you did not recognise it is fundamentally destabilising.

But yes, it has happened and they are not there anymore. I thought for years my wife was in there but I have realised she is not.

The years of resentment. Bottling up feelings builds to this place. And a level of cruelty to you that is difficult to comprehend because you did not know you have built that resentment. And the lack of any will to repair is incomprehensible.

But as hard as all that is. And it is frigging hard. There is nothing rational going on and there is nothing you can do to change that mindset of your loved one.

What you can do is it accept that is where he is and make good decisions for you. Whatever those decisions are.

But it is awful and wrong. I laughed for the first time in two years with my daughters today. I miss my wife each day but I know she is gone.

But what I am slowing building is a new life. New connections and gathering strength.

You will do that too. But somehow letting go of that person is hard.

But you have time. Use it. And also don’t throw out the good. It was there. It was real.

I wish I could do this.

I don’t think I can.
He said he loved me even as he walked away, and I don’t know how to believe that anymore. I miss so many things but he never loved me. He never cared. He never wanted me. I wasted my entire youth on someone who would turn around and call me a burden and I believe it and I want to lay down on train tracks.

I don’t know if what you said here was a momentary throw away line or if you are having serious thoughts about ending your life. I am going to treat it as if some part of you meant what you said though.

Seems pretty reasonable to me that you might feel this way at the moment. You have lost a lot. You have had a tough few years. And you find yourself currently living in a situation which feels vulnerable, uncertain and just plain hard. I imagine you might feel quite adrift and alone, as if ‘real life’ is going on around you but you are a bit unseen and unheard?

But you are not alone. Some of us here - including me - felt how you feel. So we get it. If it was in our gift, we would not want you to feel a microscopic moment of it bc we remember how awful it was. We can’t take it away; we can only walk with you as a small virtual family. But we are here, and the fact that we are here is evidence that you can survive this too if you choose to.

It’s ok to think about ending your life. Well, it’s not great ha ha, but it’s doable.
What matters imho are three things….

To see that there is a real difference between thinking and doing. And the trick is to simply not act on the thoughts. Your job is to outlast them. To give the universe the chance to show up with something different. And for a while, that’s good enough.

The second is to be tremendously kind and gracious with yourself. To treat yourself as if you have been in the life equivalent of a major car wreck. It is not the time to beat yourself up bc you can’t tap dance….it is a time to be encouraging and grateful for every single small step and and small good moment. Or not bad moment perhaps. To live by the hour for a little while. To fiercely prioritise anything at all that helps you heal just a little, to step back from things that cause more hurt or damage unless there is a bloody good overpowering reason for engaging with them, to aim for the 1% things not the 100% things. Bc those 1% things work like compound interest in a bank.

And thirdly to understand that you can choose thoughts that hurt you more as well as thoughts that help you. That might sound a little nuts, but it is still true enough to be useful. It’s why humans can see the same set of events but interpret them quite differently. And right now (see above lol) you need to be careful and kind with your thoughts bc part of you is listening. I don’t know what your ex-partner’s pov is, but I do know that someone else’s ‘truth’ is not necessarily ‘the truth’. And tbh, if you were to believe what all of the MLC folks have said as they blew up our lives and ran out of the door, you are dealing with the most horrible, worthless, controlling, burdensome and plain mean set of LBS humans here. Awful people. Terrible partners. Not worth spit.  including me.  You are entirely capable, as you read our stories here, of deciding for yourself if that seems to be true. And, if it doesn’t, then I’d humbly suggest it is rational to believe that it might not be the truth about you either…..and that damaged folks seem to play from a pretty predictable playbook when they implode into chaos and set off to find a new ‘magic happy’.


You have a lot on your plate, and you are obviously and understandably grieving and feeling overwhelmed right now.
How can we best support you through this storm, my friend?

[Happylight]

I am so sorry you are going through this.  For my own experience, I missed the beginning signs and attributed them to stress and anger over what was happening with Covid.  I do wonder how that time period played into people's lives as a contributor or a mask.