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Author Topic: My Story What can we do to get our spouses back? Is there anything we can do?

W

WHY

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I’d like to chime in about your best friend.  I think there’s a deeper reason she’s reacting the way she is. 

It possible she experienced similar trauma in a previous relationship that cut her deeply.   Maybe something you don’t know about?  She may care about your more than you realize and she can’t stand by to see you get hurt.  It hurts her too badly. 

I would ask her why she’s so emotional about the situation.  Sometimes it’s hard to stand by and see your loved ones get hurt because your highly empathetic and carry that pain yourself. 

Or maybe I have no idea what I’m talking about!  But good friendships with a long history are worth saving. 

Edit: I wrote this before I saw your response.  It’s possible your friend has narcissistic traits and I’m totally off base. 

Either way, this isn’t your priority right now.  You 100% need to focus on yourself. 
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« Last Edit: August 08, 2022, 01:15:06 AM by WHY »

B
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I'm in the UK too Kat! I think a few on here are.

From the very little I know they all share some similar traits but each situation is also individual too. There are threads on here about their behaviours and script which it's worth trawling through to see that we're all in similar boats, but not exactly the same one!
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K
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So grateful for all the replies - the advice from people that have been living through it for a while is invaluable and I find myself re-reading the replies over and over again.

And of course to the recent members. For you to offer advice and support when you are navigating through your own storm and willing to share your journey is truly humbling and I am overwhelmed.

I have lived through cremating my Dad when I was young, multiply miscarriages and cremating our baby girl Sammi - I will do my best to get through this.

xK.
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There have always been quite a few members in the UK  :). Years ago, we actually had a "meetup" of LBSers in Leeds. Also one in Portugal, Luxemburg and the US.

When I met  other LBSers in person it was the most amazing thing. I would highly recommend, if you can to arrange to meet other LBSers in person if possible.

I moved this over from Biscuit's thread:

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I don't know about you and some of the other new members like yourself, Tsun and ThisSucks7788 but I'm not ready for tough love. Stupidly it is probably what is needed for me, a good shake from someone to tell me to snap out of my situation, but I suspect it would more likely break me rather than make me.


We focus on our MLCer, trying to understand what has happened, reading about MLC, asking questions about why they are doing certain things.  We are aware of our own pain and suffering, but perhaps not enough.

Reading other LBSer's stories, you will see that many of us have been treated for trauma, actually for PTSD which is a different kind of therapy than some other types....finding a therapist who acknowledges and knows how to treat trauma was a game changer for me.

None of us need a "tough love" approach (nor do our MLCers). Only a very few friends outside of my LBS friends were able to deal with my pain. I have two who have been patient for years, listening, supporting, caring deeply about me. I am in awe by their love shown, and they still are there for me.

It does sound like your friend has her own issues. You are wise to avoid people who are toxic to you.

Be gentle with yourself....their crisis has caused many wounds for us and it takes time to work through these.....and a caring community.
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« Last Edit: August 08, 2022, 05:48:06 AM by xyzcf »
"Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see" Hebrews 11:1

"You enrich my life and are a source of joy and consolation to me. But if I lose you, I will not, I must not spend the rest of my life in unhappiness."

" The truth does not change according to our ability to stomach it". Flannery O'Connor

https://www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com/chapter-contents.html

STP

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What can we do to get our spouses back? Is there anything we can do?

I got mine back once for over 5 years and can tell you that story. My first BD was Nov. '09 as she fell in love with a man on the internet she had never met. Feb' 10 she moved out and her EA became a PA when she drove ten hours to meet him. He dumped her and she spiraled into a dark depression. I followed the 180 and never reached out to her. She started reaching out to me and eventually she called on me to help her move to a townhome and we got back together in Aug '10. She was still in her MLC but there weren't any alienators coming between us. She was in the fog but life was mostly normal. Ultimately in Feb. '16 she started a PA with her best friends husband and BD, divorce and all the rest happened by Sept '16. They're married now and I am beyond thrilled to be away from her. I have the life I could not have with her. I've made it how I want it to be.

THIS IS NOT ADVICE:
If there is a new woman in his life, you will not be getting him back. Your spouse needs to be alone with their thoughts and brought to the depth of the dark well and have no one occupy their time. You may not know of another woman, but there has to be one. I took the high road and did not confront the other person but I wondered (back then) if I had done some vengeful and extreme things to the other person (think the old west) would they have backed off? Create the void and the water flows there.

ADVICE:
It's best to work on yourself. Be someone they would want to return to. Never tie your emotions to another person. If you give them the power to love you (aka emotional dependency) they can also hurt you. There are thousands of great potential new partners out there. None of us wanted to start over but now that I'm 5.5 years into having done so, I love my life. I have more fun than anyone I know.

Kat, all I'm really saying is continue to live your life happy and make the best of it. Enjoy doing the things you love to do. You don't get these days back, so make the most of your time. See friends and treat yourself.

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« Last Edit: August 09, 2022, 06:55:16 AM by STP »
M55 XW54
S30, S27, S23, S20
BDs 11-09 & 4-16
D 10-16

You are responsible for your own happiness!

 

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