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Author Topic: My Story Aliens stole my W!!!!! Part 11: Mars Attacks!!!

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My Story Aliens stole my W!!!!! Part 11: Mars Attacks!!!
#50: June 07, 2021, 01:21:35 PM
Journaling:

What a sad day...... I was looking thru YouTube and watched the new video on Affair Recovery only to see that Sam and his wife are calling it quits.  :-[
I know that channel isn't the same as MLC, but there's so many parts which overlap. So sad to see a couple work so hard, for years, and in the end just can't overcome it.  Of course you never know by watching what is really going on, but it seems pretty obvious that he (Sam) got to some point where he couldn't keep going..... and he's the betrayer. Big letdown..... and so unfair to the faithful W......... I always thought the worst outcome to MLC (IMO) is to make it to the end and then have the betrayer call it quits..... but it happens. (and for the record, I don't believe he had an MLC - but I do think he could be going into one now..... just in case anyone else watches that channel).

On to me!! HA!! 1st big family gathering since Covid hit... that was fantastic. Of course no W...... the family just avoids any questions involving W now, like she doesn't even exist. Not a surprise, but it's sad you know? Someone who was such a part, so accepted and so loved..... *POOF*...... like they never were. If she does work thru her stuff and we do make it thru........ there's going to be a long period before any of them really accept her again. Such a shame. As for her, she's doing her disappearing thing: No contact.

I've been very active in the gym and that has been wonderful. So much fun, and you know, it's sooooo easy when you aren't cooking for anyone else!!  :P
Been hitting the theatre and now I'm out of movies to watch. LOL!! It takes me back to right after BD and I went to the 1st movie by myself in 2 decades....... how sad and strange it was, and like all eyes were on me...... now it isn't weird, sad or different.... it just is. In a way I reflect on how good that is (growth), and in other ways about how the specialness is gone. No excitement, no tingles, no sharing. The thing I miss most is reaching into the popcorn and finding a hand there.  :)

One day at a time,

-SS


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Re: Aliens stole my W!!!!! Part 11: Mars Attacks!!!
#51: June 07, 2021, 07:02:31 PM
SS - I saw that and thought the same thing as you.  It felt like someone had died.  Very sad for them both.  They seemed like a success story.
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W=47
D=8
BD Feb 17 Thinking of divorce
Atomic BD June 17 Spying revealed OM at work
Still home.  Threatened to leave several times and has asked me to leave about a dozen. 
Says divorce proceedings will start Jan 18.
She has scheduled mediation Feb 7,  2018
I moved out March 16, 2018
Several mediations, mostly instigated by me.  Foot dragging by STBXW.  Nothing filed. Yet.
5/2019 STBXW filed D behind my back despite signed agreement to mediate.
I retain attorney.
STBXW still hasn't told me and no further action.
Elephant in the room has been addressed.  No further action atm.  Weighing my options.
12/16/19  She files financial paperwork.  Divorce proceeding.

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Re: Aliens stole my W!!!!! Part 11: Mars Attacks!!!
#52: June 07, 2021, 07:39:42 PM
SS - I saw that and thought the same thing as you.  It felt like someone had died.  Very sad for them both.  They seemed like a success story.

Did you catch all his verbiage in his videos the last couple weeks? He talks about being true to himself, keeping people at arms length when being honest with himself, different seasons of healing (implying that he has entered a new one - I guess one not involving his W  :o ), moving on to another relationship, remaining friends, not being defined by your actions/history/event, etc? I just cringed. So much justification and so much smoothing (wallpapering).
For all that knowledge about restoration, and being surrounded by knowledgeable peers in that area of expertise....... what a sad event. I feel so bad for his W. One last ultimate betrayal...... and sad for the kids too (notice he's like "oh we're going to co-parent, it's going to be fine'). I get it that he probably took all kinds of damage by being so public with his story, and feeling judged for years on end, but it also shows (if he's entering MLC) that the avoidance is so deep rooted in people. He also implies that his avoidance was always there, all these years of making videos...... so was it all a lie? Or is he rewriting history?
I hope he pulls thru it, whatever it is..... I think he is a good person, but harboring much damage beneath the surface.
Just a person, like we all are.

-SS
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Aliens stole my W!!!!! Part 11: Mars Attacks!!!
#53: June 07, 2021, 11:44:55 PM
On the family event, SS, it reminded me of the inevitable truth that life moves forwards whether we like it or not and that we humans have a great facility for adapting over time to a new normal. Which is probably sometimes both a strength and a weakness perhaps....and that it could be argued that sometimes, or for a while maybe, we LBS keep a past alive bc it mattered to us so much. Not forever, but for a while maybe, while life moves forward around us anyway. Actually I wonder if both LBS and MLC folks share that in a strange way? There are plenty of anecdotes about reappearing MLCers seeming almost unaware that a small child is now a teenager. And just as many perhaps of an LBS having those moments of almost surprise that their world has moved on and the MLCer no longer fits in it somehow.

I suppose, to me, the takeaway from both events (and I found Affair Recovery was one of the few places that seemed to ‘get’ the traumatic impact of betrayal even if by then, for me, the behaviour of reconciliation seemed like an unimaginable wisp  :) ) is that I guess I do think that we are defined by our actions. That we create our own life stories by what we do or don’t do.....and if we don’t  like the story, we need to take ownership of it - good and bad - in order to act differently to change its direction. I suspect folks in crisis do believe they are changing their story. And tbh as human beings that is their right. The fundamental flaw, it seem to me, is their willingness to hold themselves accountable for their actions and the effects of them.....it’s probably a pretty good guide that if someone is still blaming others for their unhappiness or alternatively seeing others as the solution to it, they are at best a work in progress. And tbh, galling as it is lol, I suspect the same is true for us as LBS.....at some point our healing needs to stop being about the initial nail, doesn’t it? (And I say this as someone who took years and a solid dose of PTSD to get to that point despite some HS vets trying very hard to prod me into doing so ha ha)

You’re sounding pretty good, SS, and I hope that is how life is feeling for you right now regardless of your currently invisible wife.
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« Last Edit: June 07, 2021, 11:46:11 PM by Treasur »
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

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Aliens stole my W!!!!! Part 11: Mars Attacks!!!
#54: June 08, 2021, 06:38:28 AM
Hello,

Quote
Of course no W...... the family just avoids any questions involving W now, like she doesn't even exist.

I think they do it out of respect for you. They see you doing well and moving forward and don't want to appear as if they are dragging you down. After all, if there was good news; she would have been at the event.

Quote
I suspect folks in crisis do believe they are changing their story.

I have been reading articles on how our emotions play just as much in our decision making process even when we think we are making "rational" decisions. While fear makes us more apprehensive and uncertain, anger makes us more decisive and more inclined to take risks. Since depression pervades throughout MLC and anger is one of the prevailing moods of depression, it provides a great connection that the anger stirs the decisions made by the MLCer.

Quote
Angry people are more likely to put the blame on individuals, rather than “society,” or fate. Anger makes people more likely to take risks and to minimize how dangerous those risks will be. Other researchers have shown that angry people rely more on stereotypes and are more eager to act. It’s an activating emotion: In lab studies, people shown angry faces crave a reward more intensely.

https://www.theatlantic.com/science/archive/2016/09/the-best-headspace-for-making-decisions/500423/

The anger that fuels the monster that lashes out at you justifies the OW, addictions, and other pursuits as the just rewards that they deserve after denying themselves for so long.

Now, I don't want to oversimplify that if we somehow end the anger, the MLCer is cured and we can all move forward. It is just one face of the complexities of MLC or just one layer of the many layers that enable one to make decisions that ultimately blow up their current reality.

Furthermore, there are many times when anger makes us decisive when we need to act quickly.

Now the biggest takeaway from the article for the LBSer is that we need to understand our own emotional state when making decisions and acknowledge how we feel is a driving force in how we act or react in a given situation.

Quote
You’re sounding pretty good, SS, and I hope that is how life is feeling for you right now regardless of your currently invisible wife.

I agree and have a quick question, when you think you are alone in the house, do you hear footsteps but don't see anyone? 

Have a great day,

((((Ready))))

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Aliens stole my W!!!!! Part 11: Mars Attacks!!!
#55: June 08, 2021, 07:21:00 PM
And just as many perhaps of an LBS having those moments of almost surprise that their world has moved on and the MLCer no longer fits in it somehow.

 I suspect folks in crisis do believe they are changing their story. And tbh as human beings that is their right. The fundamental flaw, it seem to me, is their willingness to hold themselves accountable for their actions and the effects of them.....it’s probably a pretty good guide that if someone is still blaming others for their unhappiness or alternatively seeing others as the solution to it, they are at best a work in progress. And tbh, galling as it is lol, I suspect the same is true for us as LBS.....at some point our healing needs to stop being about the initial nail, doesn’t it? (And I say this as someone who took years and a solid dose of PTSD to get to that point despite some HS vets trying very hard to prod me into doing so ha ha)



Hey T  :D

It's funny you say that..... I've been pondering lately about the LBS journey and what all it encompasses.... especially grow and what growth means in the larger scheme of things. That thing about the MLC'er not fitting anymore is a very interesting concept...... as it seems from reading about others journeys that they grow and heal until one day, they've had enough. Very interesting..... almost like it's a race. The MLC'er takes off in a sprint and tries to sever their connections (which they do - only to sometimes find they can't sever them all or overlook some obvious connections during their manic scissoring fit). If they aren't successful, then the LBS grows, becomes stronger, detaches and eventually finds that they are good all alone (or alone from their MLC'er anyway). Then a different form of scissoring happens - much to the MLC'ers surprise and sometimes horror. Is this accountability, growth and assertiveness? Self-preservation?  Hmmmmmm, I'm not sure. I wonder if it's something else: A needed step down the path which is designed to either snap that MLC'er back, or to finally let go. A crossroads of sorts. We do know it often takes this "snap" to get the MLC'ers attention, but we also know after this "snap" happens it's often too late and the door has closed. HA!!! Maybe it's not the snap they hear, maybe it's the door shutting and the lock turning. LOL!! Funny, but sad.
What do you think?

-SS
 
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Aliens stole my W!!!!! Part 11: Mars Attacks!!!
#56: June 08, 2021, 07:32:18 PM
have a quick question, when you think you are alone in the house, do you hear footsteps but don't see anyone? 


((((Ready))))

Hey Ready  :D

The invisible W has been anchor checking about once a week. So mostly invisible with a every so often "I'm here, are you there?". LOL!!
What would be so interesting to know (and there's no knowing), is how this thought process enters the MLC'er mind. Is it something that builds up until they need to know? Or is it like a record skipping and it just pops in there, with an urgency they can't ignore?

That anger and emotion you talk about, oh yes.... I agree. In W's case she runs very hot. So quick to anger (especially since shadow began). She has plenty to be angry about (lots of FOO issues)....... but I also know what she's like when she's not angry...... was a sweet, caring and wonderful person. How terrible how MLC and damage robs them of themselves. As large as it is, I wonder how someone could face all that and not have a total collapse. I can't even imagine having to do that, makes my head hurt. So glad I'm not all messed up.

-SS
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Aliens stole my W!!!!! Part 11: Mars Attacks!!!
#57: June 13, 2021, 01:07:51 PM
Journaling:

I decided to send little photos to W, just to remind her that life is good here..... and what do you know, she stated asking questions which culminated in her announcing yesterday that she will be back on Friday.  :D
This is a big surprise. I was expecting another month of her being gone. Hopefully she will continue to take time off instead of just going back to work, but who knows.....
I also discovered that MIL will come stay with us for a couple months in the middle of July, so maybe it was all planned (probably) and I'm just getting the memo now ::)
In any case, it'll be nice to have her around again, and it'll be great to see MIL for a while. As usual when she's returning, now she is talkative and texting "good morning" and bla bla bla...... always like that when she's trying to smooth things over.  ::)

And there it is: my break appears to be coming to an end. So much has happened with the month off, and I have lots of cleaning to do  :P

I'll be counting the days until my vacation in Aug though. I'll probably need it by then.  ;D

-SS
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Aliens stole my W!!!!! Part 11: Mars Attacks!!!
#58: June 13, 2021, 07:29:49 PM
Quote
What a sad day...... I was looking thru YouTube and watched the new video on Affair Recovery only to see that Sam and his wife are calling it quits.
.

WHAT??  Is this true?.  Years I have been watching him.  I can hardly even begin to believe it......But what about all the "stuff" he said?  The lessons, advice , growth etc?     Feels similar to another betrayal....
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The Journey Of Reconciliation .. is for the brave .

Anger is like a candle in the wind ... it blows out the light of all reason.

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Aliens stole my W!!!!! Part 11: Mars Attacks!!!
#59: June 18, 2021, 09:40:59 PM
Journaling:

W returned home this afternoon.  :)
Picked her up at the airport...... no hug, no kiss, no "I missed you"...... very robotic, and that is normal. No surprises.  :-\
Then we went and had a late lunch, early dinner at the Waffle House..... ohhhh that was good  :P
She seemed a little more like her old self..... and it turns out she is not returning to work yet (GOOD), and to double that up, when she returns to work it will be half time!! (GOOD). This would be wonderful if her work addiction could be broken...... not holding my breath, but we'll see.

Anyway, she seems like there's less stress and a little (little) more like the person I knew...... but still very distant.
Later when we got home, she did great with the little dog. It was nice to see her connect with the little creature. He was ecstatic to see her, and initially didn't know who she was...... not until he sniffed her  :D

Then...... to throw the monkey into the wrench......... she had a problem with her suitcase..... the lock on it was broken. She couldn't open it. She lays down and cries about the unfairness of it all...... how this always happens to her....... full blown meltdown, tantrum. Like a little kid. I was just like "really?"  :o The emotional immaturity is still there in full force, maybe even less control than before since she just came from a month off. Sheesh. I could scarcely believe it. Then I fixed it, and instantly...... *POOF* like it never happened.  :o
Blows my mind.

Oh these MLC'ers....... HA!!!

There was a lot of mirroring going on...... W: "Oh you're going to the gym again...... well I'm going to return to my Gym too!!". Great, knock yourself out. Always a competition, never wanting to be left out. Didn't notice how clean I kept the house, how well I took care of the little dog...... it was all "me me me". Not surprised, and it didn't take long at all for her to fall asleep (and she's been asleep about 5 hours now........ now it's actually time to go to bed). No surprises, funny how it's always so strange to be re-exposed to the twilight zone each time she comes back, and each time it's a  :o how do I forget what this is like? I think I'm addicted to normal. LOL!!
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHA!!

-SS
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