[Treasur]

I’m delighted for you and your kids, FJ, that your husband turned out to be one of the rare 5% in time to turn things around. I appreciate your honesty too about how far from an easy or straightforward choice that was for you. Above all, I’m rather touched and admiring of your grit as a parent to make the commitment to try rebuilding that you made. And delighted that your faith and courage have delivered what you hoped they might. It is a very nice thing indeed to hear such good news and all our thoughts and prayers are with you, your husband and your family for the future.

[WHY]

So I keep hearing "healed because the MLCer did the work".

How do we defined healed here?

[Finding Joy]

Thank you Treasur.

Why, I’m not sure how to answer that exactly.  For my h a year after bd he came around and apologized for treating me so badly.  He wasn’t looking to get back together, but he had been in counseling and realized he was the problem.  He Realized he did not love himself and could not love others.

Then, he treated me well, but I still was nothing to him but the mother of his kids.  Slowly, very very slowly he started to become a better father, he could handle more.  He communicated a bit better.  He was more comfortable in his skin and on his phone less.

When he tried to come back the first time I believe it had been two years.  He still thought he was hot stuff and came back with all of these sort of things I would need to do for us to get back together.  I said no thank you.

Six months later he tried again, this time much more humbly and graciously.  I thought about it and said we could try.  He was still very stand offish, so was I.  I told him I didn’t want physical contact for 6 months(as far as kissing etc).  I was completely uncomfortable with the thought even.

So he was far from completely healed, but over a period of time he had been consistent.  He wasn’t partying, or seeing anyone for a full year and a half when I said we could try.  I’m not sure there is a one sized fits all answer here.

I know that the first year of us reconnecting I didn’t know if I wanted it.  He was still so broken, cold, distant.  I knew that would not work longterm.  It was very gradual for my MLCer to become his new normal.  Probably the last 7-9 months I could tell we were both making strides in being more than friends.  Even though we were acting married etc and doing marital things well before that.  It took along time for him to be whole, but also for me to let him in.

[WHY]

Thanks for this.  Yes they seems to be a common theme.  It’s not a flip switch and everything is back to normal.  Seems like it’s a gradual change that happens over years, that you only really notice when looking in the rear view mirror.  I’ve heard this a lot. 

The analogy of not rebuilding from the ground up, but from a big hole after MLC, is so damn true.  Great way at looking at it. 

[Finding Joy]

As I enter that midlife transition stage of life, I find myself really changing.  I am incredibly thankful that during my time as an LBS I really did the hard work and dealt with a-lot of my issues.  I believe it is the very reason I won’t have a mid life crisis instead of a transition.  For that I am thankful.  For me so far this transition is beautiful.  Growing old gracefully and shifting things in my life that no longer benefit.

I am 42 and I can feel a shift.  I naturally am just transitioning into a different stage.  I am a grandma at a fairly young age.  My husbands MLC is all but behind us.  We are finally settled down after years moving with the military.  My youngest is 9 and I do still have 3 kids at home, but they don’t need me like before. 
I finally get to build community and we love our home, neighborhood, church, town etc.  So my goals are sort of all accomplished as far as finally getting all of those things my heart desired.

The thing I learned as an LBS that is possibly the most precious.  I learned to love myself.  To value myself imperfections and all.  If we love ourselves we won’t tolerate what we otherwise would.  We won’t grovel from others for what we already have.  We won’t need validation because we can see our own value.  Don’t get me wrong, moderation in all things.  I’m not suggesting making myself too high.  I’m just saying this is the key to walking away from those who treat us badly.  To setting boundaries and sticking to them.  To keeping toxicity out of our lives because we love and value ourself, so we will not tolerate less.

I am sort of looking to add more purpose by volunteering more, being more present.  Getting back to my routine of getting outside in nature(summer here in TX was brutal), and I have been doing a lot of strength training as well as reading my Bible.

We are slowly remodeling a home and doing landscaping as well and I hybrid homeschool my children.  Meaning they have teachers, but they are home more than traditional children. 

I feel like this can be a time of growth, grace and humility.  I have spent some time grieving mistakes, praying about how to grow and ultimately deciding that I chose how this next segment of life will be.  Will I constantly look back(of course some), will I only live for the future?  Or will I do my best to be the best version of myself right here in the now.  I’m trying to really focus more on relationships and uplifting others. 

I think any kind of transition in life can be difficult and has its challenges, but I am incredibly thankful that so far I see so much beauty in this change.  So much hope for me becoming the full person I was meant to be.  In a way, I owe that to having been an LBS because I understand how precious peace is, what a gift laughter is, how amazing it feels to be whole after so many years of struggle.  To see the growth from the pain and know that their is joy on the other side regardless of the outcome of our marriages.  Sometimes immense pain makes us truly appreciate the good times.  We understand that it is a gift.