Hello,

I am so sorry that you are here but you have come to a great place for support and advice. There is no one size fits all or recipe for success. Instead, this is all about the process, of first recovering from all the trauma that has just happened to you, getting back to a new normalcy and then moving forward.

I know we were growing apart and with a new baby time for intimacy was just about non-existent. I chalked it up as, that was the reasoning behind him being unfaithful.

A new baby is hard. What's strange is that you are the third recent situation of the husband becoming distant after the birth of a child. First of all, we were both exhausted after the first months of her birth to even think of intimacy and then everyday, I was so excited just to get home and be with my baby and family. However, it was a transition and I believe that the whole crisis is a adverse reaction to change both good and bad. That somehow some way, they want to go back to a previous time and change or resolve something.

Just a hypothesis and not really fleshed out. However, hypothesis aside, your focus needs to be less on him and more on you,

I am aware of the pain your are going through and even though it has been over a decade and I still can remember the pain of bomb drop and the aftermath. Now is the time to find your moments of bliss and live as if he is never coming back.

Breathe, relax, light exercise, eat and take care of the baby. That is where you energy and focus needs to be placed.

Keep posting and others will respond on how you can start moving forward again.

Have a great day,

(((Ready)))

Well, surprisingly for now my H didn't loose his job over all this EA with his colleague.
He is obviously sad and all, but got himself back to relatively normal state, helps me with my driving, does some stuff around the house. Yes, ofc it's just another circle of the same MLC, but it seems like some sort of a progress...
It doesn't give me any hope or whatever, just makes the situation a little bit easier to live around.
I am focused on my own progress, which despite all the fear, fails and uncertainty slowly moves in the right direction, step by step.
In terms of dating i keep one guy with whom i like to talk, for now it's nothing but casual coffee and talking, so let's put it in socializing folder.
No craziness for a couple of weeks would be really good...

Struggling.  I should be happy, right.? Things are heading in the right direction.  He just spent a solid week here—the longest time in a year -and was actually present and connected for it, which hasn't happened in probably ?? He’s calm, we aren’t arguing or fighting.     

I am wiped out.  I am so tired.  I am struggling to make myself do all the things that need to be done.  When he’s away, I distract myself and stay busy and I get a lot done.  Right now I just feel like my tank is just empty and I find it very frustrating.  I still have no answers or information other than anecdotal based on observations and years of knowing a person.  I don’t feel angry or sad—just tired.

He joked this week about his AARP invitation he got in the mail.  He was very grateful for some things I did for him and for the kids.  He has told me to just do what I think is best because he trusts me when I asked for advice on something financial.  He cleaned and reorganized his office here at the house.  He has spent a lot of time playing his video game, which he hasn’t done for about a year. 

I feel like lots of positives, but not knowing where the finish line is or even if there is one is hard.

Yes, he even cries as he is saying it. I don't buy it. Not with all the other signs of a mid-life crisis. In January, February, and March he was spending money like it was nothing. That is way out of character for him. He would spend our bill money and then I would have to figure out how to fix it. I do the bills and usually before he buys something, he would always ask me if we had the money to do so. Not necessarily asking for permission, just making sure it was in our means. He would always make sure the bills were paid first as well. He has never been the type to just go on spending sprees. He is responsible when it comes to money. But in March he spent almost $800 alone, on just himself. That is way out of character.

I am praying I can get some good advice on here. You are the only reply I have gotten, but it is comforting to know that someone else has experienced this as well. Thank you for responding. I am so so sorry you have to go through this, as well. I wouldn't worse this on my worst enemy that is for sure.

Ashley Mayo

My reasons for not initiating a divorce are 3 things.

1 - I love my W. I believe in long suffering, and the commitment I made in marriage. What if several months or years after a D she comes back around? Unlikely I know...
2 - I've said over and over to my kids that I don't believe in divorce. I think they'd hate me and lose respect for me if I was the one that initiated it.
3 - I have some serious religious and moral beliefs around divorce. The whole Idea of it is a complete moral and spiritual failure in my mind...

But, on the other side, my W has said clearly that she's done, and she doesn't love me. And she backs it all up with treating my like dog sh%$ every day in front of our kids. On top of it, we have some serious business and financial issues that she's completely uncooperative with and leaving me to try to resolve them all alone without any help or input by her...

This is seriously the toughest spot I've ever been in...

I understand very clearly your beliefs about divorce. I still share those beliefs many years later.

I cannot change this, even though he left our marriage...still doesn't mean that divorce was the right thing.  I was able to obtain a legal separation which allowed us to divide our assists...he filed for a divorce 9 years after we separated. He never explained why, he sent me a text message to tell me. 

It changed nothing really, he continues to be in contact with me. He owns that divorce, not me.

There is a Christian movie I watched called Fireproof...at the time, I thought it was rather hookey but after sleeping that night, when I woke up the next morning it struck me "you never leave your partner behind in a fire".

It is said that MLC is the mother of all depressions, a crisis of identity. Even living it, it is hard to comprehend...yet we see the changes in our spouses, the 180 degree change in them.

We used to always joke about how we each have half a brain and together we make a complete brain of 1 person.  There's probably some codependency involved in each of us. Whatever...

Our best friend became a stranger and has done wild and painful things....many reasons and a combination of many factors but I also believe that there is spiritual factor as many here have written how their spouse turned away from their faith.

We must not allow this to destroy us...and so we "preach here" or some do that we focus solely on own lives.....I have been able to do that yet still remain aware, that the person I loved for 35 years is in a bad way...and his crisis, in some ways similar to other developmental stages  ( the terrible two's, adolescence, perhaps even menopause/andropause) is something that happens to them. We are the collateral damage.

It seems like MLC's coming from a traumatic childhood is a common theme around here.  I know its a huge part of my W's issues.  I'm wondering if there are any MLC'ers who haven't had traumatic childhoods?

From what I know, my husband had loving and caring parents and he was very close to them. I felt his mother was emotionally distant and I have some suspicion of things that might have happened to himn during his childhood......MLC is a perfect storm, biological, hormonal, developmental and spiritual factors that all create the perfect storm.

Thanks for posting and expressing your beliefs about marriage and divorce.