I believe that while in crisis, the MLCer compartmentalizes anything that doesn't work for their present life. They believe that they are on the right path to "happiness" and "freedom" and don't experience what a normal person would if they hurt someone they loved, not "feeling" much of anything =
Anhedonia: refers to the reduced ability to experience pleasure, and has been studied in different neuropsychiatrie disorders.
"Although it is difficult to disentangle the specific role of anhedonia in major depressive disorder, imaging studies have clearly shown that the severity of anhedonia is correlated, in depressed patients, with a deficit of activity of the ventral striatum (reflecting decreased function of the nucleus accumbens, probably as a primary event) and an excess of activity of ventral region of the prefrontal cortex (concerning an increased function of the VMPFC and the orbitofrontal cortex, probably as a secondary phenomenon)."If this is of interest, there is more indepth at
https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3181880/.
There is something "wrong" with the MLCer's capacity to "feel" anything and the causation has been debated many times...without any clear answer to why. Mermaid did great research into this several years ago on HS.
Like saying I was a rebellious teenager and I made mistakes as a kid, vs that kid in the moment saying they feel truly guilty and understand what they did.
Teenagers do not admit to "wrong doing". What changes a child from a sweet enjoyable boy or girl to a teen that seems to have no boundaries or concern about their families...and then back again as they reach young adulthood and leave much of their risk taking behaviour behind them, is part of their developmental stage of life as per Erik Erickson "Identity vs Confusion."
Not all do and some continue with substance abuse, sexual promiscuity, high risk taking behaviours etc . into adulthood.
We do not know what is going on in the MLCer's head. It is interesting when MLCers come back and give us some insight into their personal journey as well as LBS posters who continue to have a relationship years later with their spouse...the observations are all subjective and as Acorn has coined the phrase "a sample of one" should always be kept in mind.
My question, for I am curious is: what does it matter if they feel guilt or not? Doesn't change much for the LBSer.
I also suggest reflecting on Why's comment and perhaps looking at it differently:
I feel guilty that I hurt this person, so Im going to hurt them again and again??? Im just not buying it.
So can we detach enough so that their actions don't hurt us? Do we allow ourselves to be hurt by "expecting" that they are going to act in a normal human way...or like the person they once were? For they are not that person anymore.
A technique my therapist taught me was to freeze frame the situation that is causing me distress. Make it smaller, make it less bright, dim the lights, decrease the volume until it becomes something I can manage without being set off kilter. It helped me a lot when I was unable to comprehend...why the heck is he doing what he is doing?
And of course MLC 101...this is not about us and not about our marriage.