[Biscuit]

Quick bit of journaling;

After 3 days of loads of interaction and family time over Christmas, the last 2 days have seen a massive drop off in the amount of contact between myself and W - pretty much none TBH. That's fine, we spent a lot of time together over Christmas and I imagine it's fairly overwhelming for W and she needs to retreat a bit into her shell. I'm pretty sure she'll circle back around after the festive period - but who knows with these MLC folk?
As for me, yesterday was brilliant, had D12, S17 and his GF over for a really fun movie and pizza night. We had such a laugh, it was lovely to see D and S laughing and joking together! They are amazing kids.
Today myself and D12 took family friends (the 2 sons of my female BF - the ones that look like D12's siblings - and her exH) out to an incredible exhibition in London. The kids loved it. The art was performance and video based, but was quite adult in nature. I loved fielding the kids questions about the art - "Biscuit - what does it mean, what's it's supposed to be" etc... Well, what does it mean to you? How does it make you feel? What do you imagine the artist was feeling when she was performing that piece? The beauty of having kids come along to these types of things, is for me, their innocence,  they aren't afraid to sound stupid or unsophisticated or uneducated in asking these questions.  Made me think a lot about our adult lens on the world and how a fresh perspective often throws up new understanding in any situation. The exhibit was fun too, with interactive elements the kids could really get involved with.
We took them to another exhibition afterwards of impressionist art but by then they were a bit spent and the art didn't engage in the same way. Maybe we should have done the exhibitions the other way round!
Took the kids for food to one of our faves then back to our friends house for more socialising, catching up on life, wine and a huge dinner cooked by me and BF's exH. Really really fun day!
Tomorrow is NYE. I'm taking the kids to the football in the afternoon before dropping them over to their mum. She's got a load of our friends over for NYE drinks which I'm not invited to (which kind of smarts a weeny bit tbh, but less than it would have a few months ago!). Then I'm going for a new years dinner with another couple of our friends, then will maybe have a glass or two at a  mates house and watch some fireworks.
I've bought W a bottle of champagne for her festivities tomorrow night and written a card saying that I hope 2024 will bring joy to her and that we will continue to strengthen our friendship - but I'm not sure if I should just give her the bottle, or the bottle and card or neither!

Happy New Year fellow LBSers, B x

[Biscuit]

Quick Journal before bedtime.

The drop off in comms didn't last long from W. A couple of days after NYE and things were back to how they've been, frequent messages and calls - all positive and planning the odd family thing too. I texted her last Wednesday and said I was going to take the kids to a show that night and would she like to tag along? Or yes please she answered - that would be great. We had a lovely family evening together - she brought the snacks and drinks along and I bought the tickets for the show. Fantastic fun, and lovely for the kids to see all of us laughing and joking.
This weekend was MIL's birthday celebrations which I was kind of invited to - in a sort of - well when you drop the kids over come in for a bit sort of way! I stayed for a few hours and it was really nice to see her family. I was welcomed with open arms and me and the in laws sat around chatting for a few hours whilst she cooked them all dinner. I made myself scarce before I outstayed my welcome and let her and her family enjoy some time together.
W's memory is a little bit shot at the moment - we discussed a couple of things about parenting logistics at the get together which she had forgotten later in the day. That's OK with me - I didn't make her feel stupid about it - just sort of had the same conversation again over text. She seems pretty settled at the moment, no monstering at all. 

Tomorrow is our anniversary - I'm not sure whether to mention this at all or not - maybe a light text saying remember 19 years ago? I dunno - maybe not.

Onto me, I've been doing pretty good these last few weeks. I've started doing dry january - it's the longest I've kept that up so far. I've found it pretty easy, which is surprising actually. I usually love a social drink but have had no problem going to see friends and going to events and not drinking at all. I don't really drink enough to get hangovers but I've noticed I feel more positive after a week totally off the booze. I've been getting out and about quite a bit, seen a ton of great films and had a few meals with friends. There's loads of football on this time of year too so I've been to loads of games, both with W and kids, just kids and also with friends. I've also felt more comfortable staying in on my own - which I've avoided like the plague for the 2 years since BD - but it's getting easier to fill my time at home alone. I've detached a bit more I think, hopefully a healthy amount for where I'm at - it's difficult totally detaching because we still communicate a lot. But I'm not stirred emotionally by W's reactions to stuff so much and I think that's a positive.
Work is going to pick up this month, so that will keep me very busy in the days.
I still think about W a lot and miss the life we had, which was mostly really good fun. But there's good to be had from life atm.

[Helpnewc]

Biscuit,

That all sounds so positive.

I think it is natural to miss the old life. You must wish the MLCer did but they see it through a different lense.

You can only make good decisions and you seem to be doing that.

[Biscuit]

I saw W a couple of times today and we texted and emailed - no mention of our anniversary.

This evening I buckled and sent her a message saying Happy Anniversary!

I didn't get a positive response. However it was quite interesting. This might have stirred monster some time ago but she sent a text back saying she wasn't comfortable with that type of message. So despite feeling that I messed up, I actually feel like it is progress in a way, as she's telling me what she is and isn't comfortable with. I replied that I was sorry it made her feel uncomfortable and that wasn't my intention.

[Helpnewc]

Biscuit,

My wife says it makes her uncomfortable when I tell her I love her. So I don’t do it very often.

But I reckon it is ok to do what is right for you every now and then.

The progress I have made is that I now make good decisions for me and for my kids. I think you have managed that well.

It is just so sad. How I wish the story could be rewritten in their heads but it seems very difficult.

Help

[Biscuit]

Thanks Help,

Yes, I get why some one who has guilt wouldn't want to hear about how the person who they have hurt feels about anything. And on the most part I totally respect her wishes not to hear about my emotions. I suppose it must be frustrating to tell someone a few times about something that annoys you and they continue doing it. A bit like a rational partner asking you to close the toilet seat after going for a pee and you continuing to leave it open! I honestly thought she'd be ok with the anniversary message given how things have been going but I guess I was wrong.

B

[AlvinTheMaker]

Looking from cheap sheets, I feel she is preferring you "friend-zoned" and the message was  reminder of different perspective she wishes not. In the end many of the MLCrs live with the dream/illusion that you can have the cake (benefits of relationship, happy family etc) and eat it (divorce, freedom, affairs).... In the end you two need to define how the relationship is and works, and where you set the boundaries and what your life will be alike.  This time she set the boundary on you.

Possibly the question you need to answer with yourself is "can you live rest of your life friend-zoned if required?"... At least your messages convey the feeling you desire a lot more. Often time the true progress happens only when you drop the rope totally and there are no expectations or pressure (nature of the beast ).

Alvin

[Biscuit]

Thanks for the reply Alvin....  I'll take some to time to think about what you have said!

B

[WHY]

Thanks Help,

Yes, I get why some one who has guilt wouldn't want to hear about how the person who they have hurt feels about anything. And on the most part I totally respect her wishes not to hear about my emotions. I suppose it must be frustrating to tell someone a few times about something that annoys you and they continue doing it. A bit like a rational partner asking you to close the toilet seat after going for a pee and you continuing to leave it open! I honestly thought she'd be ok with the anniversary message given how things have been going but I guess I was wrong.

B

Are we sure they feel guilt?  I havent seen any mention of it in Shock Sis or any of the fog stories.  I see none of it 2 years in now.  Sure afterwards once the fog lifts/depression, but not during....

It's more psychopathic IMO.  Like devoid of any conscience/guilt.  The MLC can inflict tremendous pain on the LBS yet feel no empathy.  That's how psychopaths behave. 

[Biscuit]

Why,

Shocks sis described having guilt with her throughout her whole MLC but running from it as far as she could.