[FaithWalker]

Great that she is sharing finances!  Sorry about the over-sharing with your son.  My friend just split with her husband and he told their 10 year old all sorts of adult stuff about the situation.  Horrible.

[Biscuit]

So, today marks 2 years since BD. A lot has changed in that time and I thought I'd post for my own benefit and maybe some of the newer members might like to read about how the situation is (sample of one - obviously!) 2 years down the line.

The first 6 months or so were horrible - I moved out of the family home (before I knew anything about MLC and was being guilt tripped into believing I was an awful person). Then almost as soon as I was out W started a new relationship (could have been before - not much truth happening then!). That was the hardest bit I think. W was monstering about everything under the sun.

By a year in my main struggles were with W wanting to introduce her new boyfriend (boy being quite apt - she never told me how old he was but maybe 15 or so younger) to our kids and have him over at our house. That too hurt like hell. The thought of another person being in my home with my kids - super icky.

18 months in and the cracks were really starting to appear in the fantasy. I think OM had gone - don't know what happened there - not my business really. Soon after this W really started to soften and be much nicer to me. This made things so much easier - I could be honest in conversation and no longer felt like I was walking on eggshells the whole time. We began to talk regularly as well as texting each other many times a day.

2 years in - so we are still reconnecting - but it's a very slow process. We don't really have any relationship talks as such but we do speak often and show each other respect and it's obvious we care a great deal about each other. The selfishness is there from time to time, but nothing like before. Things are getting easier and we often spend evenings or days together as a family and those times are good. W is very very slowly showing signs of returning to the person she was. I don't know how she is when I'm not around, but I suspect she struggles with much of what she has done in the last 2 years. Again I don't know, and we've not spoken about that.

In terms of my personal development. Well that has been enormous. Back at BD time I was regularly drinking too much, and partying a bit too much too. That's all gone - I couldn't have handled this all still doing that. I've run a marathon - which I never could have imagined doing. I'm much healthier overall.
I'm pretty good - all things considered. I'm not one of those who say I'm glad this happened, because I'm not. I miss having W with me - as an ally and friend and cuddling up to her at night and all those things. However, I've accepted that she no longer wants that. Would I try and reconcile if the chance ever came along? I think I'd give it my best shot - like everything in life! But if that chance never comes along then I'm determined to still make the best of my life.

[xyzcf]

Such a nice update Biscuit, thanks for sharing.

There is a set of "milestones" for the LBSer and it may take different lengths of time to get there for each of us. Your expereince will help others see that they will not always be in such intense pain as they once were.

2 years in - so we are still reconnecting - but it's a very slow process. We don't really have any relationship talks as such but we do speak often and show each other respect and it's obvious we care a great deal about each other. The selfishness is there from time to time, but nothing like before. Things are getting easier and we often spend evenings or days together as a family and those times are good. W is very very slowly showing signs of returning to the person she was. I don't know how she is when I'm not around, but I suspect she struggles with much of what she has done in the last 2 years. Again I don't know, and we've not spoken about that.

Your observations are also helpful and glad to see that she is showing a different persona two years in. Unfortunately, for some MLCers it takes much longer.

The fact is, you have made a decision to allow her to go through her crisis without interfering and a huge amount of acceptance of what she is going through.   You have not shut her out and have grown in your own self greatly, becoming a "better version of yourself"...a phrase Matthew Kelly uses.....

I too enjoy the times we spend together as a family, even though our daughter is an adult and doesn't live nearby. These family times are really important to all of us.

So thanks for your encouraging post that it is possible to build something from the ashes. You are showing that you can focus on taking care of yourself and growing and still show compassion and empathy to your spouse.

This is something each one of us decides for ourselves. it requires a great deal of patience and the ability to learn how not to take their actions "personally"...not always easy but possible.

Continue to update us please. I always find it interesting to watch the process unfold in their crisis.

[WHY]

Has she shown any signs of taking accountability for what she did?  Or started to “do the work” on herself?

I just ask because what may feel like reconnection to you.  Is actually just another coping mechanism for her as she continues her crisis.

Either way you’re doing fantastic and keep it up.  Be that lighthouse.  But I’ve learned so much about these MLCers.   It’s hard for me to take things at face value anymore. 

[Biscuit]

Why,

Thanks for replying. So, "doing the work", hmmm, depends on how you look at it. Accountability? - not so much, a couple of apologies but other than that not much. Getting help from a trained therapist? - I don't think so, although she has spoken about it - we don't live together so I'm not sure what she does when we're not hanging out together. Starting to reflect and understand what has happened? - yes I think so.
So yes, there's a long way to go in those respects.

What do I see, which I would be interpreted as not a coping mechanism but the actions of a person reconnecting with an estranged friend or spouse? A lot actually. She  shows great kindness, although tries to hide this sometimes, (for instance I have received very thoughtful gifts - which the kids have said mum chose, or bought - but when I thank W for them she says - oh S or D got that for you). She makes a real effort to ask how I feel about a situation or topic - but I sometimes feel like she finds it hard to understand or comprehend my response (lack of empathy maybe). She goes out of her way to help me  out with the kids if she knows I'm busy or have work commitments. I've journalled very recently that she has financially helped out with our combined tax bill this year - she did not have to do this at all.
We genuinely have fun together, we laugh, joke, poke fun at each other and enjoy each others company (up to a point!). I'd say these things feel like a reconnection. We also have had good and pretty deep conversations about a range of topics - mostly to do with the kids - some about family and friends - but none about "us".
It feels like progress to me - it's definitely better than a year ago, and probably 3 months ago, and maybe even better since last month - and if it stays at this and we just stay as friends and co-parents then I'll take that over monster wife from hell anyday.

[WHY]

That sounds very positive.  Good for you two.  Keep at it and please keep the updates coming. 

[Biscuit]

Will do Why!

Thanks for following along. So glad we all have each other here on HS. A really wide range of views on the whys (no pun intended) and wherefores of the MLC situation. A hugely wide range of personal experiences of our spouses and x's but with common themes obviously.. But the real defining trademark for me is how much compassion and empathy pretty much everyone I've interacted with here has. That would be another take away from the last 2 years - the camaraderie and support from the hugely diverse members of HS - a proper lifeline for many of us I'm sure..  I think it takes a special type of person to try and understand a spouse going through this - rather than just totally sacking them off - and there are many special, wise and understanding people on HS. I'm very glad I found you when I did - what an enormous source of support and advice.

X

[WHY]

I would have never got through this without this place.  Thank you fellow LBS. 

[Biscuit]

Hi all,

It's funny how, sometimes when you're not looking for advice or even really thinking about your own situ - just reading up on HS and seeing how your fellow travellers on the forward moving journey are getting on - and you happen upon something that feels really pertinent and relevant for how you've been feeling. Tonight I got one of those little gifts. I think it was French Husband that had compiled some reconnection stories and data recently - I used to hang onto these stories in the early days, I think we all do, not so much now - but I saw mention of a poster that I couldn't remember from when I was first on HS - Broken Hearted 1971 - so I looked him up - and the first comment I saw on his thread was this, from BBhelp:

"The other suggestion I would give you BH.  Try not to have so many "Discussions".  Listen...you are trying to solve a Rubik's Cube...She is trying to solve one blindfolded.  NEITHER of you know what , when, why or how...you are just turning the damn cube over and over.  Slow down.  You cannot get to where you are trying to go overnight...no matter how many times you talk about it 2+2 still doesn't equal 5.  You need to have discussions on the weather, the children, the news, etc.  Watch a movie, play a game.  Bring down the pressure on you both. "

It felt like I needed that advice today. I've hung out with W quite a bit in the last few days and I've been thinking about trying to discuss "us" but I realise when reading that thread that this is not the time, she's no where near ready for me to broach that discussion - and maybe when she is she will let me know. I should just enjoy that time every couple of days when we get to sit and chat about not much for what it is - then go about my day and let her be.

We are enjoying each others company atm and are starting to spend more time together when it's time for the kids to switch houses. It used to be just say hi, hand over the stuff and then bugger off. Now, it's always, come in, have a cuppa and sit and watch some TV or chat a bit about work or friends or the kids. Much less transactional and much more friendly - and the hand over has gone from seconds to sometimes an hour or so. It all feels really natural and easy (at least for me- and I think for W too). Anyway - feels like progress - and the kids definitely like all of us hanging out and having a bit of a chat and a laugh together.

[Biscuit]

Bit of random journalling!

It was Mother's Day here in the UK yesterday, or Mothering Sunday as it was traditionally known I believe. I made sure the kids made a really big fuss of their mum. She has been a fantastic mum to them in the past (not so much a couple of years ago!) and is, again, a wonderful mother to them now. I didn't spend the day with them as I was seeing my own mum and my sister, but I booked (and paid for) her favourite restaurant for a slap up meal for W, the kids and MIL.
I also took the kids shopping so they could each choose a gift and additionally D12 choose a load of photos from my computer which we had printed and then she made into a scrap book. I also bought something for the kids to give to W which I knew she'd love. Anyway she had a lovely day with them - and was touched by the presents and fuss they made of her..... job done. She thanked me for my efforts too and let me know how special her day had been.
I had a lovely time with my mum too - a big family brunch at my house with tons of food and love and laughs.

In the evening I took S17 to an incredibly swish industry party I'd been invited to attend. We had a wonderful (and quite late) night. It was so nice to see him interacting with some seriously talented industry professionals (S17 wants to work in the same industry as me and W) and hold his own in conversations. He is wise beyonds his years sometimes and has such amazing knowledge about a range of subjects. He did me proud and I'm really glad he came along.

Not really much to report other than that. We're continuing along on our path of slow reconnection. Oh there was one thing - W mentioned that there was an exhibition she'd like to go and see. I said - do you want to go together? She said she'd like that a lot. Not sure if that will happen but if it does it will be the first time we've done something like that since BD.