Ha ha I claim my prize!
But more seriously, I understand that you feel you have to try. We all do. We all did in our own ways. Particularly bc you have kids, but not just bc of that. We get it. It might work, it might not…but you feel you have to try. It may even be the case that if it doesn’t prove do-able, you will feel more at peace knowing you tried.
What’s interesting - from reading story after story here - is how similar some of our default LBS responses can be. What’s good about that imho is it allows those newer LBS to consider different options in how they respond to similar situations. So, MLCer does ‘oh, terrible mistake, I want to come back’ and LBS jumps pretty quickly into mentally planning how that might work and what everyone involved needs to do differently. And off we go to the races…..
Sadly what seems to often happen then is the MLCer finds the to do list a bit too difficult, or keeps one foot in ow land, or really wants a fatted calf with no awkward discussions….simmers resentfully for a bit, BDs again and off they go. Bc, as you say, they are still in MLC with all of the not very adult entitlement and BS and avoidance that goes with that. It becomes a sort of ‘horse to water’ thing for the LBS, I think. And of course it makes it much harder to be detached or keep your focus on your wellbeing bc you are invested in an outcome.
I’m not saying it’s impossible, or doomed to fail, but I am saying that it is probably not easy. And that, logically, one can see how it would encourage the old patterns of the relationship to re-emerge when perhaps they are not as appropriate in this new situation. Which is why imho, and reading those who have reconnected and even the few who have reconciled like Acorn, it seems to need the LBS to intentionally not go into their default. Which for most of us is a kind of earnest fixing, I think
If one takes a step back, the MLCer - whether they think it was a mistake or not now - broke things. A lot of things. Some of them pretty big and important. Neither they nor we can change that, no matter how much we wish we could.
Why therefore would it not make sense that the person who broke it carries the primary responsibility for offering up a specific plan of action to fix it? If only bc, as we all know in normal life, people tend to be more committed to their own action plan than someone’s else’s plan. But of course if someone else jumps in with a plan first - and we know that MLCers even ore MLC tend to be a bit avoidant - how will we ever know what their plan was? And of course, in a resentful head that finds the work of change a bit damned hard lol, it then runs the risk of being the LBS plan really, doesn’t it? Cue strains of the ‘you’re not the boss of me’ and ‘the problem is not what I did, it’s your unforgiving reaction to what I did’ songs
Why not slow your planning roll and simply ask your h what his plan is?
What does he intend to do to try to fix what he broke?
What is he offering? And what does he want from you?
Then wait, see what he says and see what you think about his plan.
Take the time and space you need.
Above all, slow your roll enough to not do the adulting for him….let him figure it out bc that’s how grown ups learn and change, isn’t it? Plus there is a subtle but important power dynamic at play that, if this is not normally your default, sends a clear boundary signal that we are not in the old Kansas anymore. And allows you to judge where your h is starting from as opposed to vice versa. No different really from basic negotiation skills….the person who speaks first shows their hand, the mental field they are playing on. There is a lot of useful information in seeing where someone is starting from.
Don’t get me wrong. I’m not saying that some of your needs/plan are illegitimate or a bad idea. I can see sense to things like a post nup or a different job etc etc. and of course you need to protect yourself. I just wonder if, whether we like it or not, it’s a bit 0-60. Bc your instinct, and stories here, would suggest they come back broken not fixed, a work in slow progress at best bringing all of the MLC residue with them. Plus of course the additional damage created by their actions.
Is it worth considering quietly for yourself a very, very bare minimum….the marital equivalent of training wheels on a bike…..the price of a ticket to try perhaps? Some smaller first step goals rather than the big all is magically fixed ones? And along with that, being as honest with yourself as you can about how you will manage your own understandable but messy emotions and needs in trying to repair a marriage with a husband who has lied, devalued and been unfaithful to you? Or how you will manage potentially a live in MLC rollercoaster sucking up all the emotional attention in the room with all the stress and uncertainty that brings? Bc sadly that is as real as your need to try to repair things, isn’t it?
The two stories that are popping up in my mind are Finding Joy and Acorn. One had a h who returned and younger children. One I think had a husband who didn’t physically leave with older children. Both had ow or owomen and all the normal MLC drama and blameshifting. You might find it useful to read their threads.
I think what strikes me most about what I remember inntheir stories is that they both seemed to find a way to stay detached to some degree, both seemed to need even more solid boundaries in order to reconnect and both had reached a point where they were a bit emotionally detached from a given outcome….and that is was not an easy or quick process. So, thank God for those who have come before us and been generous enough to share their experiences, right? I’m sure they’d be fine if you PM’d them too, a,though neither has posted for a little while, hopefully bc they are busy getting on with normal life. And hopefully some others will swing by your thread and share their wisdom too.
So, my big take fwiw is to let the dog see the rabbit.
Ask your h what his plan is and see what he says.
Slow your default planning roll. And use that time to think quietly about your bare minimum entry ticket price for a spouse who is most likely still in MLC with all that brings. And how you can continue to build a healthy detachment from his rollercoaster if he brings it home with him.
We are all cheering you on regardless. And we all absolutely understand that you feel you need to try x
Let it go, for it was imperfect, and thank God that it can go
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