Hi all -I feel a bit bruised this evening - mainly because I feel completely bamboozled by my H. I suspect that's a fairly common sentiment on here.
When my H left his lover Behind in Barcelona, (sounds like a song) he told me he'd ended it and was not going to see her again. He returned to his family (overseas) and made plans to come back to our family in California. He was attentive, kind, affectionate (on text and on camera calls), checked in every day etc .He said he wanted to come back and rebuild and restore our family. He realised he couldn't live without me or the kids etc etc. And I knew he was still in his MLC and at the same time, I was cautiously optimistic that this might lead to a slow but steady journey towards reconciliation. He arrives back here April 14th and he says he will stay with us until we ALL go on summer vacation back to his country in July. That is a lot of time for him - I realised he's only been here 6 weeks in the past 6 months.
For the past 4 days, I'd noted that he was less responsive, stopped writing 'i love you' after good night, didn't call for a day, then stopped saying good night all together. When I typed, " I love you " he wrote "I love you all." It felt off. So today I asked him on a call - he called my daughter's phone not mine - what was going on? I asked him if he was still totally committed to coming back here and rebuilding. He paused. It felt like a long pause. He said, well my feelings have changed. I have changed. I am not the same man I was when i was there. I was living for you, every decision I made was with you in mind (bear in mind he did not mention our two children 7 and 10 at any stage in this conversation) and now I am going to live for myself. I like my freedom. I am coming back on the 14th but i will return here again when I need to and it will be my decision to do so."
When i asked him directly did you in fact, end it with your AP, his reply 'pretty much yes, I did.' Are you in contact with your AP? "not so much, no."
When i said, well that's not a very reassuring reply he said, well i haven't forgotten it. i am thinking about it now, i haven't forgotten it.
When I asked him what his feelings were for me, he said, "I love you as my wife, 100 percent. I love and I always will." I think this is a new variation on ILYBINILWY! I mean, does he love someone else like a mistress? I think so.
All that to say, my hopes are in tatters. I feared this might be a touch and go - and now it looks like it's not even a 'touch!"
I know you wll say he is cycling, and that, given I am not quite even a year into this - it is to be expected - but it is still so painful to look at the face of the man I loved so well for so long and see those dead, shark eyes back today. It was clear he had disassociated again. I feel like I am back to square one. And he was monstering a little bit too. (ie 'you are stresesd about everything,' etc)
He is staying here April 14th. He can sleep in the kids' room. I can possibly go away for some of it and he will def need to leave before July - i doubt he will be willing to stay that long anyway. He just runs and runs.
You know, when he was talking to me, he was sitting at his kitchen table from his childhood home and his mom was cooking dinner for him, behind him (she doesnt speak English so she couldn't understand the convo) and he said "i feel comfortable here. I like my freedom." and I thougth, well no wonder, you pathetic, smarmy man-child. Meanwhile I am surrounded by the beautiful chaos, noise, tears and laughter of this family we created together, that one that he apparently finds so simple to relinquish.
I don't want to say I'm crushed, but today was a dark day for me. Is it bad that I want to extricate myself from this 'partnership' as soon as possible? I know that divorce won't change how hard this is in many ways, but I think this limbo state of being tied to him, expectations that he would act like a loving and faithful husband and near constant disappointment must be worse than that brutal clarity.
My heart is so hurt. It was the hope that hurt.