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91
Our Community / BRAND NEW MAN 12
« Latest by stillbaffled on June 20, 2021, 05:50:43 PM »
I also will be cheering you on even though it's virtual! 

I have four 5Ks scheduled over the next 6 months but that's just peanuts compared to your running world!  I remain in awe of your abilities.  MyBrainIsBroken was another fabulous runner that always impressed me.  Keep up the excellent work. 

I agree with DF - it's a seller's market right now (at least where I live).  Get that albatross listed!
92
Our Community / MLC husband, looking for help and ideas
« Latest by valentine4ever2021 on June 20, 2021, 05:37:08 PM »
Dear SS,
Thank you very much, understanding your problem gives me some good insights. I am learning to grow mentally strong like you during the last few years, because yes i've got years like this ahead.

During the last few days, MLC H decided to leave and told me he planned to leave this week. He was pretty cold, mean and brutal (not violent) to me about this, like denying all ties with family and me and our past together. Then out of nowhere and even out of my plan, I made a move telling him something, which was at first just me telling my negative emotion about him leaving, but then looking back i realize he perceived it as a major threat. He thought I threatened him that he would lose his legal freedom in case he moves out (which again I have to say just me telling my negative emotion leading to this side effect). So now he stays because he think he has to stay, because if he moves out there's gonna be serious legal issues for him. He even called his parents telling them I was threatening him and asking them what he should do, and father-in-law (old peaceful man) even texted me and said "please kindly be peaceful and forgiving even if you two break up or stay together". Yesterday he looked really cornered at a dead end and told me, "ok then i'll stay like this for a few years". I have to say I absolutely didn't mean to create this effect.

He still chitchats and meets with other woman occasionally (she was pushing him to rent a flat for them to live together and he was willfully agreeing to do it quick before my move). And right now he plays gamble online all night and day to make money. And play guitar all day during last few days. It's covid social distancing in my place so there's no place to go out except for OW's house or hotel or friends' house, so most of the time he's home.

I would like to ask a new question: Before this crisis and depression, he was kind of an artist with head on the cloud sometimes, and now in this depression he is still one (playing guitars a lot). So looking at the situation, he stays because he perceived and was scared of a legal threat that would result in him losing legal freedom if he moves out. Do you think there is any danger for me and kids about this?

For my side, him staying at home helps me a bit: The small kids still see father so they're ok no questions asked, he helps with what he can do around the house (not very willfully but not so bad), his finance is not spent in renting a house or in OW, and most importantly he is here that means he doesn't build a life elsewhere so that's more chance for our family to be family again in the very far future. I have a wish it could be just like this until he came out of MLC, but I am also aware that now he thinks of me as a terrorist, there might be dangers involved, and things wont not just be like this for long. Just that I couldn't think of anything better right now. For me, now i am detaching and putting efforts in me and the kids, moving ahead, making new friends and even dating a bit while trying to work out with myself I should divorce him or not. I still cook dinner for everyone involving him to join, do all the housewife's work with a maid, he has to do nothing, and we dont argue and dont fight, just low-tone talks.

Can my friends here give me advice and your thoughts on this, like you have been doing fantastically up to now in this thread? I am always so grateful to be here.

Thank you,
V
93
Our Community / Re: Every Storm Runs Out of Rain - 6
« Latest by MourningDove on June 20, 2021, 11:52:05 AM »
S informed me last night that he in fact was going to visit "Lord Vader" - his words - today. He had wanted to try and meet my parents and I for our excursion, but by then the plan to go to the antique market was scrapped. My parents were exhausted from their travels and were tired of eating out. I considered going alone, but the forecast was calling for very hot and humid weather, so I am going to go another weekend.

D was at a party with her BF for one of the teams he had coached. It was held by the head coach and D wasn't originally going as she didn't think she was invited. She and I had gone to run to pick up some supplies for her closet when her BF called and said the team was wondering where "coach's GF was". D had gone to several games and been the book keeper so the boys had gotten to know her and felt she should be there as she too was part of the team. Besides, they liked asking her questions about her BF, their coach - LOL. They ended up staying until 1:30 am and D it was fun to just decompress and have fun. This wasn't a party where people were drinking heavily and out of control. She was tired though.

Ah, yes - the perfect mix for D. I knew what I was going to be encountering. D is and has always been the kid who needs sleep. The recipe for grouchy would be lack of sleep as a primary ingredient. Add she isn't feeling well with allergies this week and then add in that it's Father's Day and well, I knew I was going to be seeing an overly-sensitive D this morning.

I should have bet money on that, because OMG. I had told her that we were not planning on doing anything special with my F on Father's Day, as the plans changed and my sister and BIL were dropping my nephew off early in the morning. I was going to go up and give my F his gift from all of us that S had picked up for me and then I was coming home. There were no plans on the calendar.

Life doesn't always go the way you plan, as we know. This morning, I went up to my parent's house and took a shower. When I got out of the shower and was drying off, I heard my sister's voice in the dining room. My nephew had been dropped off earlier, so I was confused. By the time I was dressed had exited the bathroom, there stood my sister, BIL and niece. It would seem that two of her games were rescheduled for later this afternoon, after she had played her first game. There was a 3 1/2 hour break and it is only 20 minutes away, so my sister and BIL figured they would come and visit with my parents. S was already off to see Xh and D was still sleeping when my sister had arrived. I didn't think too much of it, as this was not some party we planned and somehow kept it a secret. Then the phone rang and it was my cousin, who wanted to come visit. As it is he has grown closer to my F since his own F, my uncle passed away several years ago, I anticipated he might show up.

Before my cousin arrived, I was helping my nephew by teaching him about his drawing pencils and what each grade on them meant. And then I showed him a trick for transferring sketches onto another surface using the same pencils. His reaction was priceless, as it is not a complicated thing to do and from his reaction you would have thought I had just taught him some elaborate magic trick.

My sister, BIL and niece left right before my cousin showed up and I decided to hang around a bit longer. My nephew had decided to go watch some cartoons, as he had been up really early and was tired. D had called when my sister was at the house and asked what was going on. She thought she would come up and bring my F a card and I said I was still up there. When she arrived she saw my cousin had just shown up and I could tell she was already grouchy. She wanted to know when I was coming home. I told her not for awhile, as I was going to visit with my cousin, who up until recently, I hadn't seen in years. Now that he has moved back, I have seen him twice in the past few weeks. D has only met him once in her whole lifetime up until today, so she doesn't understand he and I were close growing up. And, now, he and I share the unfortunate experience of having spouses who decided to jump on the MLC train. I was laughing because his choice of GAL therapy is a combination of mediation, yoga and baking bread. He makes amazing bread and I have a weakness for fresh baked bread. LOL

D stayed and visited with my parents for a bit and with my nephew and then came in to ask me if I was coming home. She had an edge. She started to bring something up about her college financial aid needing addressed because she got an email. I was not going to have the conversation in mixed company and told her it was not the time or place to discuss it and furthermore I had that information at home on the computer. She started to keep on her path and I told her no, to which she stomped out the door. These would be those moments where the kid in her still appears and it always throws me because she has been so mature all of her life. Her teachers would always comment that she never behaved like a typical kid aside from wanting to play princess dress up or had her dolls, etc. But this type of behavior was so rare.

I came home and let her spew a bit. Yup - so she was hurt we had an event for my F without letting her know. I was laughing inside, but didn't show my emotions, because I knew that would have been bad in that moment. She knew the reality - that it was an impromptu thing. I waited until she took a breath and told her that she needed to not interrupt me and to listen very carefully. I explained I shut her down because I didn't want to discuss the financial aid things there amongst people that didn't need to be included in that conversation, not because I was trying to just shut her up and didn't care. It just wasn't the right time or place. She was ready to debate that, when I held up my hand and said that is not what this whole outburst was about and she knows it. I wanted to know what was really bugging her. Ah - the root of the issue.

She is not upset that S was at "Lord Vader's" - funny she called him that as well. I tried not to laugh as she had no idea S had used the same phrase. I knew better than to laugh. She would not have seen the humor in her mood. She thinks the world of my F and had we had an event for him, she would have wanted to honor him. After she was done, I said that her grandfather knows the way things unfolded. He was not somehow hurt she wasn't there or we didn't exclude her on purpose. It really was that impromptu. And, I get it, she felt left out and today of all days, she is probably struggling a little with how things were. I get it. Father's Day and Mother's Day were always a big deal for my kids. I didn't really care one way or the other, but Xh did and he wanted the red carpet rolled out and we were okay with his whole breakfast in bed to start the day, etc. The kids loved it and they did the same for Mother's Day. They made cards and it was a whole production. Not necessarily about expensive gifts, but they put thought into every gift they gave us.

It struck me this morning a conversation that D and I had about her and baking. I baked plenty for people and I made efforts to make things I knew people liked or requested. D, when she started baking it was because it relaxes her. She also bakes as a bit of a love language. She will bake muffins for S to have for breakfast so that he doesn't go without something on his way out the door. He doesn't ask her to. She likes doing it. She used to bake for Xh. She bakes my F's favorite cookies all the time. Birthdays roll around and she is making sure that the person whose birthday it is has a special cake - in a flavor they would like. But, FIL he would come in when she was making something for someone else and tell her he hated that flavor and he wanted something else. She would always politely say that it was some one else's birthday and it was their favorite. FIL, every time would tell her he wanted her to bake something and demanded it of her. Xh once told FIL to back off and we would make sure he had his peanut butter cookies, but to let D do her thing. She was learning and it was her hobby. Xh also said to FIL if he backed off maybe D would make it for him without being told to.

D had told me she was going to make cookies with my nephew today for my F at my parents house. But, when she arrived, the whole day had been changed and now that couldn't happen. It just triggered all of the feelings of how she would like things to be. She started crying and saying that she isn't looking for what was, because she accepts that, but she wants some type of normal family life - that is, she gets that there are boyfriends and girlfriends in the mix and life isn't always going to fall into place they way we envision, but she really is craving those normal family dinners and events and it hasn't happened in some time.

She is right. Some is because of just life events. But, some is just we need to make more efforts. We lost some of the routines that are not bad things to reinstate. And, the truth is, dinner every night together is not going to happen at this rate. it would be too difficult to juggle everyone's schedules. But, as I told her that maybe we all need to just coordinate our schedules a bit more and make time to do things together, just the three of us. Family events, those come along as well and there is no reason we can't make time for those. I said dinner with my parents or time with my sister's family, my sister and I have been discussing as well. What we don't want to have happen is where it becomes some expectation that it has to happen every Sunday with my extended family and then it creates bad feelings. We never operated that way and I know that with all everyone has going on, it would create stress and needless drama. So, holidays, we will do our best, but my sister and I have said there is no reason we can't get together more, even if it is a call in the morning to one another that says "hey, I was thinking it is nice out and if you want to, come have a BBQ on the back deck". That I can handle as can my sister.

I know it is tough for D. She is a planner and likes her time planned out. I know Xh and my M are wired that way, and I can respect that and I can work with that. But, I also know that part of the issue Xh ran into was he would be thrown off balance completely when life threw a monkey wrench in. What I told D was I don't want to change her, but I do want to help her deal with the anxiety she experiences when her plans are blown to bits by life. That she has to somehow learn to cope with better, because life doesn't stick to the schedules we sometimes plan out. She has been working on it, but she agreed that she has to take certain things and realize that those simple moments don't have to throw her off completely. There was no reason for her meltdown today because it is not how she envisioned it unfolding.

She calmed down and said she was going to embrace the day and she and her BF went off to do her normally "scheduled" grocery shopping today instead of her normal day. I laughed. This is a big deal. D rarely varies her grocery schedule, as it often piggy backs her PT appointment, etc. She relaxed and laughed saying it wasn't a bad thing and sometimes maybe she does need to just embrace the day for what it is and not how she thought it should be.

I pointed out to her that today my F really didn't want a party anyways. He was having his type of day. In fact, when he was informed he was going to go sit and watch my niece's last game, my M's idea, he grumbled under his breath. He wasn't opposed to going and watching her, he just didn't want to go today, as it is so incredibly hot and humid and there isn't any shade where they are going. I giggled and told him "Happy Father's Day - you enjoy that". I then told him I was betting he could twist my M's arm on the way home and get some ice cream. He liked that idea and my M, her one weakness is ice cream. LOL. I know - I am devious.  ::)
94
Our Community / My wife's MLC part 2
« Latest by OffRoad on June 20, 2021, 11:35:03 AM »
It's been said on other threads, and in my case at least was true, that there is no point in trying to second guess what your MLCER is doing. Anything we think of is what WE would be thinking or doing. It could be accurate or not.

If we have taken monkey braining about other people out of our situation, then we are left with ourselves. What works for you when you are stressed? What doesn't? Are you one to bury your head in the sand and hope it passes, meet something head on, or somewhere down the middle?  How do you want to live YOUR life, knowing that at this time you cannot depend on your wife for anything, but also knowing she may pop up from time to time? Do you want to set some boundaries around what you will allow for your own sanity?

A lot of times, people think they are just going with the flow and don't realize that what is good for them might be being trampled on including trampling on one's self. Example from other stories I have read over the years at various places :waiting for phone calls from the mlcer instead of going out with a friend. Letting the mlcer insult, yell, devalue you because they are "unwell" or you are afraid you will "push them away" (call people on bad behavior or they will keep doing it. Calling people on bad behavior does not have to be harsh, either.). Trying to be "the nice guy" and losing what you deserve or legally should have. Placing any importance on mlcer small talk, other than it keeps communication open. Letting your enjoyment of life slip away while waiting for the mlcer to decide what they are going to do.

Getting derailed from time to time does allow us to stop and think before getting back on the track. When you think about YOU and what you need, there can only be an upside, imo.
95
Our Community / My wife's MLC part 2
« Latest by John T on June 20, 2021, 08:41:39 AM »
Thanks Ready  your words help me steer a steady course.
96
Our Community / He’s having a mlc 8 - Peace
« Latest by Rosetintedglasses on June 20, 2021, 08:26:38 AM »
After H was around the last time he called and said he would be coming around again. I told him S was out but he said it was ok he would wait until he was back so he came round.

He chatted with D.  He made a coffee and chatted with me for around an hour and seemed relaxed and not as on edge as before. S came home and H chatted with him and gave him something he had bought for him.  He ended up here for around 3 hours and I was exhausted when he left. He mentioned he wanted to take S out for his birthday at some point.  S didn't want to go but was polite and hoped it would not be mentioned again. At one point he mentioned an old boss of his from the height of his MLC. She had almost got as much blame as I had for his life at that point.  He talked about her and said she had messaged him asking how he was doing as they were again working in a similar environment. I noticed the anger still in him at this point.  I was surprised but he still has a lot of anger towards her.  I am unsure if this was 100% MLC anger at the time or if she did deserve any of it but it was interesting to see this anger still in him and obviously unresolved and what seemed, to me, to be unfair towards her but I don't know all the facts having never worked with him. I do know he has worked there for over 30 years and never had this anger to anyone before and I believe she may have been the tipping point in his MLC perfect storm.

It was our WA the week after and H called both children, both didn't answer, and so he messaged them saying it was just to catch up. WA continues to be the hardest day of the year for me. I was kind to myself and had fun.

Rose 🌹
97
Our Community / My wife's MLC part 2
« Latest by readytofixmyselffirst on June 20, 2021, 07:37:21 AM »
Hello,

When a person is in a state of emotional reactions and emotional upheavals expect the unexpected. Just keep moving forward and focus on you and your actions. Then the randomness of your w won't impact you as deeply.

Enjoy your day,

((((Ready))))
98
Our Community / Almost 1 Year Away from Forum
« Latest by Maleficent on June 20, 2021, 05:30:41 AM »
Schratz, So good to hear from you. You are doing so well with having to work with him and see him so often. Cannot imagine, for me it would be a daily trigger, yet you are showing grace and strength. 

Yes, "loathe" a strong word, so many meanings - disgust, hate, recoil. I do wonder about their self reflection and capacity to feel what we lived. Is it easier for them to compartmentalize, by giving it a name, or do they feel any remorse for the impact of their bevaior? But, that would be as UM says, like "tasting the color green." Not sure the knowledge would help with healing. And perhaps, that needs to be our standard now, not that any of us will truly "heal."

Am sorry about the recent anniversary and the effect that had- so normal, appreciate xyz's explanation.  I once thought of anniversaries as good events, yet, with time, so many more sad ones.

Anyway, popped on mostly to say hello.  Living in the moment along with you, a few steps behind you.
99
Update and journalling

A lot has happened in the last couple of weeks - I'll try and keep it short, punchy and in a logical order.

Since my last post H has much improved. He is walking almost normally (almost in that he has no stick or support but is still a little slow because he is having to do extra scanning with his only eye to avoid clashing with doors or edges etc.)  However the physical physio has signed off on him after only 2 or so weeks - remarkable really.

His cognitve skills are improving and he is now able to eat using cutlery much more effectively and he is working on his business just a few hours a day to keep his brain busy.  We have been in contact with GP and stroke office to try to see his scans as he needs that information to know how he is progressing medically in that regard.  But the wheels are turning really slowly.
His emotional psyche though has taken a beating. He is fearful of going to sleep in case he doesn't wake up. He needs the scan info as he feels like he has a permanent gun pointing at his head.

He is also going through the anger/bargaining stage of his recovery; he gets very cross when he can't do things quickly or he spills his cup of tea (which he now insists on making)  or he kicks his foot on the chair; he temporarily slides into victim mode too.  In the evenings he has started to talk much more about his feelings and fears - for the first time in 35 yrs he is opening up to me.  This time I really am listening.   
He said that he shouldn't be feeling this way and should just ignore it and move on.  My reply " You have suppressed your feelings for many years since losing your dad as a teenager- you have run away each time something becomes difficult and it's always created havoc for you; its led you to have many difficult times in your life which you haven't confronted and dealt with - now this may be your last chance to start to grow up, smell the roses and start to appreciate, accept and love what you have and not what you think you ought to have"

He stared at me, nodded and said " You're right Song. I am afraid and I don't like it when things go wrong but they do.  So do I need to talk to a professional about how I feel and what I've done in my life"
Me - "Honestly if I were you I would. Take your time and think about it"

On the business side H has met with the accountant - he has plans and whilst he was adamant that he should continue to "be responsible" in paying the associate her great fees - she would just continue what she was doing - he would still retain 100% of his shares and 100% control. If something happened to him then I would have that level of control by dint of next of kin and that there would be a contract drawn up stating that in the event of his death or the closure of the business she would be paid off with 10% of the shares and He or I as next of kin would have the other 90%.  Now whilst I think 10% is still a little too high he was very clear that she would absolutely get no more and that he intended to look at selling the business very soon.

Secondly - the house is now on the market.  There was an open day yesterday and fingers crossed we get at least one decent offer.

Thirdly - I caught up with a friend for lunch who I hadn't see before the pandemic so lunch was long and lovely.  I told her about H and his latest crush. She asked me the full name of the person and when I told her she smiled. My friend was a senior manager in special needs and education facility " I used to work with her - not a lot up top but she is a worker - not management material but she gets a job done and yes she's a rescuer but it soon fades when she gets bored and she's no longer needed to rescue people"

She was pretty scathing about this associate and advised me to do what I had been doing and move away from it all. She's going to help me house-hunt.

So I'm getting emotionally ready for the next phase.  It's been a long time coming but my next decade (in my final year of this one) will be infinitely better and happier .

100
Our Community / Re: Who ever thought I would be here? Part 3
« Latest by Milly on June 20, 2021, 03:45:15 AM »
Jojo, I know what you mean. As much as you hated having her in close vicinity, at least by knowing where she is, you feel you have some control on trying to avoid her. Now that she could be anywhere, it hightens that fear reaction we have. I just want to say that it is completely justifiable. This person caused so much damage to your family. So what to do? I really like Roo's advice to do a 180 on your fear and your radar, and decide not to give her an inch of your head space. To live your best life in spite of her. I'm going to tell myself the same advice, too. If a problem happens in the future, face that problem only if and when it occurs. We mustn't allow ourselves to create horror scenarios that might never happen. Not our fault that we do this, but we have to try to put an end to it. x

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