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Author Topic: My Story New chapter please

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My Story New chapter please
#90: March 26, 2021, 06:15:55 AM
I am so thankful that you are posting your reconnection story. I thought we were there this past year but not so much. Mine is all a clinger so it’s good to see how you have navigated all of this.
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New chapter please
#91: March 26, 2021, 08:55:15 AM
Love your update H&F. Always the queen. I was particularly interested in reading about H's contacts with OW. Shows how it truly is an addiction. And that you can see it as such is really great. My H is a lot like yours. Battling so many demons, alcohol and OW among them.

Love the idea that you see OW's town to de-mystify the fantasy. B/c the fantasy is likely more of a nightmare than anything else.

Sounding great. Thanks for posting.
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Me 49
H 48
S13
BD 5/16
H Moved out 6/16
OW--yes. Worked for H. EA turned into PA while I was in chemo. On again/off again like every high school romance

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New chapter please
#92: March 26, 2021, 03:17:31 PM
We are reconnecting peas in a pod H and F.  So many of the same thoughts and feelings. 

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I am choosing to see it as a good sign that this has just come to my attention and realisation.  Like I am outside of that behaviour now.  I feel like I am.  I feel strong enough now to stand firm in knowing when something doesn't sit right with me and not being talked out of it.  I am learning to be ok with other people's discomfort when they have behaved badly and I don't feel the need to make it ok as much.  I haven't been tested a great deal lately so this muscle isn't getting a lot of work but it feels like it is a skill that is locked and loaded.

I have been tested a great deal lately   :) and this skill has suited me well. 


[
Quote
I have noticed this too.  I have swung from trying to school my H on the right way to live, to completely taking my hands off his wheel, to now acknowledging that I am in a position of leadership and that I should embrace it.  I don't know if that makes sense.  It's like I used try to control a lot, and then I switched to having no opinion (cos I am sooo detached) and now I have an opinion.  You don't have to like it or agree with it but if you are impacting my life, then it's there.  I am healthier and stronger emotionally than H right now so I choose to lead by example and attach enough to make him accountable.  Like you said, they do need help connecting the dots.

Having an opinion and expressing it with self confidence and settling boundaries I believe are the next super powers for me.  The last few days I've noticed this more and more.  It's like I have my mojo back and can say "Look H, I'm pretty cool and I am worth holding onto.  This immature high school behavior will not work for me anymore. This is what a mature relationship looks like and this is how you get there"  When I stopped attacking he starts to listen.   

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From what I've read on your thread, he really seems to have woken the hell up....and the daylight is bright AF.  Really proud of how you are handling it and really rooting for your 'little crab without a shell' H who is bravely stepping forward.

The light is blinding and karma is real.  There is no pretending things didn't happen anymore for my H.  The fantasy bubble has burst.  My little crab without a shell  ;D is making progress.  He still tries to bury himself in the sand, but now I am standing by with a shovel ready to dig him up.  No more hiding, no more lies, he is fully exposed.  He's for sure lost in liminality trying to find himself. 

I do feel like I am in the drivers seat of my life now.  It's powerful.  I told a friend the other day "I finally feel like I have control of the situation" she reminded me that I have no control over the situation, I only have control over my response to the situation.  And self control is a very powerful super power. 

Thanks again for posting, it has helped me see things I was missing about myself.   



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Husband 55
Me 55
Kids 3 sons 29, 27, 25 1 daughter 20
BD #1 Spring 2016
BD #2 Winter 2017
married 33 years.  Together 35
H never moved out except 3 weeks after BD #1
OW 30 year single mom employee-He says EA only I don’t believe him.

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New chapter please
#93: April 08, 2021, 05:04:26 PM
Its been an interesting few days.  I returned from the work trip I went on with H which was lovely overall if not a little bit eventful.  More on that later.

As I lay awake one of the nights, the feeling I was downloading was like H was 98% delighted I was there and 2 % struggling with the merging of his 2 worlds.  I felt almost like I had taken a recovering alcoholic to a bar.  Having a romantic partner in a world that he has valiantly been trying to clean up seemed a little confusing maybe?  It’s not that he has run rampant and kept his hotel rooms filled with female guests in the past but the MLC part of his brain definitely has had the freedom to run free without being watched when he is away from home. 

The whole experience also made me realise how easy it would be to fill the down time with unhealthy pursuits rather than going to the gym and then going for walks and watching hours of Netflix as H does.  He is not a reader or on social media so his time is not wasted doing that like it is for so many. 

On the first day, neither of us had to work so we went into the City for dinner and a few drinks by the river.  We were looking for places to go on H’s phone and as he flicked out of one internet screen, all his previous screens flicked up and I saw the heading of one of his searches was ow’s name.  I saw it, H saw it and I asked him why it was there immediately.  He got a bit defensive and said it had been there for a while and he can’t remember why.  His reaction and seeing her name was like tipping a bucket of ice cold water over me and I shut down – couldn’t help it. 

A few mins later H said “just so you know, there has been no contact between us at all since we last discussed it” I already knew that he hadn’t called or messaged her because I’d seen the phone records a few days earlier (I check them at the end of every month before they drop off the record).  It is completely feasible that it could have been a search he did a long time ago because I know I would have very old screens open on my phone.  His reaction being a bit defensive earlier seemed to point at a more recent search though.  It could have been that he just didn’t want our day ruined by this too.

He went on to elaborate on a conversation that we’d had the week before when he’d rang me on the way home from work in a grumpy mood after having gone through the COVID interrogation that happens every time he comes back into our airport.  He is well and truly over the whole thing and some of the bizarre and non-sensical rules he has to follow.  Anyhoo, he explained how earlier in the day he had been happy and that it has been a long time since he has felt happy like that.  I understood exactly what he meant and was a little surprised by his honesty.  He is very good at being happy when he is at home or around me but when he is on his own with only his thoughts and his world, it must be harder.  We talked about how I had heard what he’d said and wondered if the word ‘happy’ could have been interchanged with ‘peace’ in this instance.  He said that it could – that was accurate.  He said that he felt that way because of the growing distance between him and the situation with ow.  That’s what I thought he had meant when he mentioned it.  I think I even said that to Evermore on text.  It was good to be able to have that confirmed.  That talk thawed the ice.

On the second day, H saw a guy in the hotel that we have both known for years although it might be close to 10 years since I have seen him.  He used to be a pilot with H’s company and has moved onto another airline.  He is also a good friend of the guy that H suspected was behind the stalking.  H tells me that apparently he recently sent a text to H’s friend (previously described here as “friend I hate”) which said “you’re a firetrucking count” (remove the o). FIH thought it might have something to do with H and the suspected stalker but reported it to HR anyway and didn’t reply.  Seemed like a bit of a stretch to me because why wouldn’t he just send that text straight to H.  Not EVERYTHING is to do with H!!

Anyway, the next day, I get an email at my work email address from a person calling themselves Danielle ….for your entertainment, here it is:
“Hi H&F,
Could you please let me know the actual marital status between you and H is? I am getting conflicting stories from him compared to other people at work. My understanding is that you were married long term and have now been separated about 15 months.  Sorry for emailing you, I do not know who else I can get a straight answer from. I was given your name and told you were probably the best one to ask. 
Have a nice day, I apologise for the email out of the blue.
Danielle."

I also found out later that my son's girlfriend had a comment on her Facebook account about H being a serial cheater.  This time from a different but regularly used name.  The first thing I did when I read the email was look at the address.  It was from DanielleSydney83@protonmail.com.  I looked up Proton Mail because I have never heard of it.  It is based in Switzerland and is known for it's difficulty in tracking. I find that the more this person contacts us, the more info they give us about who they are.  I might have mentioned that the stalkers arrogant best friend is an IT guru and I might have mentioned that we actually think he's gone a bit rogue on his friend (C) (the one who actually had a problem with H).  Greg has seen 'C' a few times over the last few months and his impression is that 'C' is just desperate to be a cool kid and be liked and spends hours talking about his exploits with his IT guru friend (who is stupid rich).  He is too much of a puppy to be this evil but probably too much of a puppy to tell his friend to stop.  I obviously asked H if he knows any Danielle's and he said no and then added "because I have been in Sydney so much lately to have spoken to this Danielle, they would have been better of making their email address from here". H hasn't been in Syd since Nov last year. 

Unfortunately H was really upset about this yesterday because I also filled him in on S's girlfriends Facebook post and another one that I hadn't mentioned from about a month ago. A fews beers in and he starts talking aggressively about finding this guy and telling him he knows who he is etc.  I remain staunchly committed to not engaging at all.  I didn't respond to my email because I don't want him/her to think that they have finally hit the jackpot on a way to get to us.  I do understand H's anger and got pretty angry with him myself about losing him to this situation after all we have been through.

A little while later, because I can't stand the emotional gap, I check the phone records and he's tried to contact ow again.  I think she must have blocked him because the calls are about 2 seconds in length.  Gutted.  He had actually called her the previous evening when I had another fight with him over the phone about a car park pass.  I had just arrived home in our state and left H interstate for another 2 nights.  We are both a bit mopey about that and I am on the phone to him as I am trying to get out of the staff car park.  They have removed number plate recognition and H has the back up access card.  I am talking on the speaker to the car park dude who is this snippy sounding guy who is treating me like I am stealing a car and not verifying H's employment like he should.  H can hear all this through my AirPods and starts losing his $h!te.  I am ignoring his instructions because I am trying to get out of the car park ($126 later) and then I pull over after and get stuck into him for yelling in my ear while I am trying to talk to someone.  He was also 3/4 drunk then too  ::). More emotional gaps. The attempts to call ow happened straight after that.

I was busy for the rest of the evening but H sent a photo video through mid evening with a text "I like this x". The little video is mostly photo's of him and his people - including lots with me.  A few of them were taken when we weren't together and no doubt got sent to ow.  I was pretty triggered but left it.  When I called to say good night, I asked him if he'd been taking a trip down memory lane and he said no, it was something that popped up on his phone.  He said he knew it was a bit "raw" but focused on the fact that we made it through and are all together with lots to look forward to.  He told me that he had smashed out an hour in the gym (and stopped drinking).  He was completely sober by the time I spoke to him.  I woulda bet money on the fact that H would have just kept drinking.  Nice to see some healthy coping skills being used eventually but noting that the visceral auto reaction to call ow was first.  I actually think he would have $h!te himself if she had answered.

So back to last night, when I have just looked at the phone records and am still feeling the gap from our argument over the stalker.  I decide in my brilliance and newly returned non-tolerance for emotional gaps, to react and not respond.  I ring H and spout some cryptic $h!tee about feeling wobbly and worrying that he will become destructive.  He is in a cab on the way to the pub.  He assures me that he is not going anywhere and is at a loss as to how else to comfort me.  He's not over the earlier conversation either and is trying to retreat. I push, he starts putting walls up.  He then says "while we are being honest, I don't like how everything has to be your way".  (Except for the last 4 years buddy!!).

Anyway, I actually said it was good to hear that and I wanted to hear about it any time he felt like that.  His preference is not to mention things because he actually assumes I am right and he's wrong until it all bubbles inside and he reacts with seismic actions instead of words.  So the words are a new thing and will be encouraged.  That part of the conversation could have gone badly though because you can imagine how it felt to hear everything goes my way?  Lordy Lordy Lordy!!  I think he only had 1 beer at the pub he was on his way to before he caught a tram back and was watching TV in his room by 8pm.

I swear I only post here when there is chaos around and I am trying to process.  These things often feel like a kick in the back - pushing us forward.  We actually had quite a few conversations about ow etc while he was away.  Seeing that guy, seeing that search with ow's name and just being away seemed like fertile ground for it.  I asked H what he'd told ow about why we broke up - other than the fact that I had caught him out messaging her.  He said that she never really prodded about that (not surprised) and that he would have deflected with something like "we've been broken for ages".  I actually said "well you weren't really wrong there, I don't think we'd really healed from ow1". I also said that given he has been low-key unhappy for so long, he has done well to not totally firetruck this up.  He certainly doesn't get 5 stars but I did give an encouragement award  :)

H said again that he wants me to go on a trip to 'W'.  This is the other place he goes to a fair bit normally; ow's sister works at the airport and a lot of her family live there.  He understands the statement that would make but is not doing it to make the statement. He said he wants memories of me there and wants the mystery of the place removed for me.  Given the rollercoaster ride of the last week, I am thinking it would be wise to hold off on that for a bit!!

He returns today for the weekend and then goes away again next week to 'W' for the first time since Nov.  We are both aware of it and the timing might be a little off but we both also understand that life goes on and things must be faced.  I really need to continue to step away from the processor.  If I step in too early, I catch him mid firetruck-up and miss the part where he cleans it up by himself.  That is definitely happening more and more.  You definitely can get lulled into a false sense of security though when the relationship is mostly normal and lovely.  There is much work yet to be done by both of us.
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« Last Edit: April 08, 2021, 05:13:58 PM by hopeandfaith »
BD's in May 09, Sept 12 - suspected OW
Left home Jan 12 2013
OW confirmed Feb 2013
Moved home April 11 2014
BD again in April 2017 - clinging. 
Moved home again March 2020
Moved out July 2017
Moved home March 2020
D21, D19 and S17

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New chapter please
#94: May 04, 2021, 12:21:12 AM
Update time. 

H’s recent roster has rostered him to ow’s town for the first time in 5 months.  Damn!  I was so enjoying the lack of triggers for both of us.  He has 2 nights there with a fair bit of free time around his work commitments.  It is also May, and May has been the month of downward spirals for him for the last 3 years – big ones.  May 10 is also a BD date from years ago.  Most of the time that can pass by without notice, except when it is around Mother’s Day, which was the day in question. May is also ow’s birthday month.

I was bracing myself for having to pull up my big girl pants but now I won’t have to because H suggested that I go with him.  I will be staying at the company hotel with him and updating his memory bank to include the right woman.  That hotel was almost her 2nd home for a while when H was in her town all the time because he would be booked in there and it was a lot closer to work for both of them than her place. 

I was delighted at the suggestion. H knows the town is a trigger but didn’t really understand the significance of the date.  Without rubbing his nose in it, I told him that it was a good time to “tip things up the right way”. I am ready to go to that hotel and he really wants me there too.  That conversation led to another conversation in which H said he wanted to put his ring back on.  He said that he has been thinking about it a lot lately although he still doesn’t feel like he deserves to wear it.  We had S18’s family party the next day so H said he wouldn’t put it on then because he didn’t want to distract anything away from S and he felt it would be noticed.

The next night, he asked if he could put it on.  I told him that it was totally up to him but I would love it if he did.  He burst into tears.  He told me that he respected the fact that I hadn’t put any pressure on him and told me that he was in a really good place and was so excited for our future. 

My ring has been on since Oct 31 last year.  It was the day of our D21’s 21st birthday party.  I chose that day because a) I was ready, b) I wanted to make a statement to H about my commitment, c) I wanted to make a statement to the world about my commitment to H, d) I deserve to wear them and finally e) because I am sick of wearing no hand jewellery.  Now my rings are on and my nails are done and its all very pretty 😊

When I had discussed it with H then, he had told me that he wasn’t ready to wear his.  He didn’t feel as though he deserved to.  The $h!te hit the fan shortly after that and he raised it again in mid Dec when everything was still very raw with ow.  I told him then that it was a very personal choice and I didn’t want him putting it on without meaning it – or just to appease me.

So May is shaping up differently this year I hope.  Definitely a good start.  I still think H is dealing with the addiction to ow and having me there when he returns after so long probably calms his nerves too.  I notice that he is still triggered by any type of rejection or perception that he is being dismissed.  I still think he is like a new born Giraffe so will proceed with caution.  I think he feels safer for having put his ring on.  I just hope that is not a false sense of security for him.  He did say that it “closed a loop” and I must say that it feels like it has taken us up a notch and put a stronger wall around our bubble.  Only time will tell I suppose
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BD's in May 09, Sept 12 - suspected OW
Left home Jan 12 2013
OW confirmed Feb 2013
Moved home April 11 2014
BD again in April 2017 - clinging. 
Moved home again March 2020
Moved out July 2017
Moved home March 2020
D21, D19 and S17

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New chapter please
#95: May 04, 2021, 01:42:24 AM
Progress!



Still forward moving progress...

I am happy for you (both!)

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« Last Edit: May 04, 2021, 01:43:38 AM by UrsaMajor »
Me - 57, xW - 50
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation & 21 at D-Day
S - 14, D - 10
2 Dogs
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Divorce final 30 August 2019

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A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

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New chapter please
#96: May 04, 2021, 02:29:54 AM
 ;D Thanks Ursa!
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BD's in May 09, Sept 12 - suspected OW
Left home Jan 12 2013
OW confirmed Feb 2013
Moved home April 11 2014
BD again in April 2017 - clinging. 
Moved home again March 2020
Moved out July 2017
Moved home March 2020
D21, D19 and S17

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Re: New chapter please
#97: May 04, 2021, 03:33:11 AM
This is a fabulous update H&F! I was reading it walking out of work, had the biggest smile on my face!
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Me 47
H 50
3 adult kids
BD December 2013, left home August 2014, D June 2018
OW 17 years younger

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New chapter please
#98: May 04, 2021, 05:45:17 AM
H and F great update.  Thanks for posting.

I am learning too (after 5 long years) that just letting things be and letting my H progress at his own speed is the best way to go. 

I’m glad the triggers are fading and your H is waking up more and more each day.  I’m seeing the same thing around here!

Ursa, these may be the two best representations of reconnection I’ve seen!

Forward,
Roo
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Husband 55
Me 55
Kids 3 sons 29, 27, 25 1 daughter 20
BD #1 Spring 2016
BD #2 Winter 2017
married 33 years.  Together 35
H never moved out except 3 weeks after BD #1
OW 30 year single mom employee-He says EA only I don’t believe him.

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New chapter please
#99: May 04, 2021, 12:56:12 PM
Great update! Honestly, baby steps are far easier to believe in than a dramatic shift would be.
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