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Author Topic: My Story New chapter please

E
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My Story New chapter please
#100: May 04, 2021, 06:27:50 PM
So happy for you H&F!! Can’t wait to see those pretty nails in person when I get back from galavanting in the outback. You can tell me all about it over a glass of bubbles. Xx
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M: 50 (48 @ BD)
H: 53 (51 @ BD)
Married 20yrs, together 23yrs
D: 21 (19 @ BD)
D: 19 (17 @ BD)
'Extra D': 19 (17 @ BD)
BD (that I didn't recognise as such) Easter 2018
BD 9th Sep 2018
OW (45, now 47) - he met her in the pub a week before BD, told me about her a week after BD. Thinks 'their planets have collided' because 'their eyes met across the room' and they had an 'instant connection'. Lives with her. Is building a life with her. Jun 20: H plans to buy a block of land and build a house with her.

h
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New chapter please
#101: May 05, 2021, 12:33:59 AM
Thanks for following along CanLetGo, Evermore, Roo and Curiosity

Letting things be has not come naturally for me.  Every now and then, I will see the wheels fall off his wagon and he often still turns to alcohol to numb that pain or slowwwwwly process whatever is going on.  That has been a massive trigger in the past for me and my urge to step closer and let him know that I can sense his struggle is ever present. 

If I am honest, the desire to let him know is less about supporting him and more about letting him know I am watching him.  Stepping back instead has been one of the harder habits I have had to break but doing so has paid off immensely.  I am not sure if he knows I know when his wheels fall off (I suspect he does) or if he thinks it's gone unnoticed.  Either way, he gets the space and the Grace he needs to get better.

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BD's in May 09, Sept 12 - suspected OW
Left home Jan 12 2013
OW confirmed Feb 2013
Moved home April 11 2014
BD again in April 2017 - clinging. 
Moved home again March 2020
Moved out July 2017
Moved home March 2020
D21, D19 and S17

K
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New chapter please
#102: May 05, 2021, 09:01:24 AM

If I am honest, the desire to let him know is less about supporting him and more about letting him know I am watching him.  Stepping back instead has been one of the harder habits I have had to break but doing so has paid off immensely. 

This is my biggest struggle as well. And I must say I am terrible at it. Good to see that practice makes perfect!
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Me 49
H 48
S13
BD 5/16
H Moved out 6/16
OW--yes. Worked for H. EA turned into PA while I was in chemo. On again/off again like every high school romance

9
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New chapter please
#103: May 05, 2021, 09:37:16 AM
Quote
If I am honest, the desire to let him know is less about supporting him and more about letting him know I am watching him.  Stepping back instead has been one of the harder habits I have had to break but doing so has paid off immensely.  I am not sure if he knows I know when his wheels fall off (I suspect he does) or if he thinks it's gone unnoticed.  Either way, he gets the space and the Grace he needs to get better.

H and F this is a huge realization.  You putting it into words is matches exactly how I’ve been feeling.  My H too has some small downsides and I now keep silent.  I’m learning that my silence speaks louder than words.  He eventually figures it out and pulls himself out of situations.  Alcohol is also a mask for him.  He even says this.  Not nearly as much as it used to be but it is still there. 

Maybe they are growing up?  Maybe this is the part they skipped in childhood?  At least we are both calm now.  As my H said yesterday “it feels good to talk to you peacefully”.  Maybe we both are growing up🙂
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Husband 55
Me 55
Kids 3 sons 29, 27, 25 1 daughter 20
BD #1 Spring 2016
BD #2 Winter 2017
married 33 years.  Together 35
H never moved out except 3 weeks after BD #1
OW 30 year single mom employee-He says EA only I don’t believe him.

h
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New chapter please
#104: May 05, 2021, 11:46:21 PM
Hopefully practice makes perfect KIT!!  I will keep practicing and let you know if I ever get near perfect.  I think my post from early April was a good example of how I slip up every now and then and what happens when I do.  I have to keep reminding myself that I can't really go to him when I am feeling needy.  Except if there is something to clear up. That's not really needy though.  It comes from a less whiny place!

For example, recently I was trying to reduce my digital footprint a bit and wondered if I could block ow on my LinkedIn account.  I had a couple of anonymous views and I thought it might be her - not that it really concerns me.  Anyway, the instructions told me to go onto the person's page and block them from there.  I didn't want to do that in case it left my footprint on her page so I went on the H's page to see how it might look if I were to do it.  Since I am a tech-tard, I accidentally sent him a request to connect.  I kinda thought we were already connected and then saw that he only had 1 connection and it wasn't me.  This was a trigger because H had told me about 12 moths ago that he had used Linkedin to contact her when she had blocked him on the phone.

So, when H got home, I told him what I had been doing and that I had noticed he only had 1 connection.  I asked who it was.  It turned out to be another male friend who had asked to connect with H months earlier and he had accepted because he didn't want to be rude.  He went to his phone and opened it all up to verify this in front of me.  Otherwise, he doesn't use Linkedin and decided to delete it off his phone there and then (the app anyway)  I am not sure that he knows that his account is still open because he is a bit of a tech-tard too. 

What seemed important to me was his response to the question.  He was almost tripping over himself to help me out.....like "oooh, oooh,  I know the answer to this one  ;D"  Totally different vibe from when he has had something to hide in the past. 

Roo, maybe we are growing up too.  Peaceful conversations are definitely something to be proud of.

That trip that I have planned this weekend might be buggered by COVID  ::)  H has already decided that if I am not going, he is not going.  He has an operational spin he can put on it so I still might not need to put my big girl pants on.  Fingers crossed !!
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BD's in May 09, Sept 12 - suspected OW
Left home Jan 12 2013
OW confirmed Feb 2013
Moved home April 11 2014
BD again in April 2017 - clinging. 
Moved home again March 2020
Moved out July 2017
Moved home March 2020
D21, D19 and S17

h
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New chapter please
#105: June 23, 2021, 12:39:33 AM
 Time for an update because there are a few things I wanted to share.  The problem is that when I leave it so long, it gets really long.  I will try and keep it a little bit brief.

Going back to May, that trip I had planned over Mothers Day was buggered by COVID and H didn’t end up going either.  It was probably a good thing because our little dog ended up needing surgery so I would have left him in the care of the kids with a cone on his head and stitches that he could scratch with his paws too.  They could have handled it but my little doggie is also a bit anxious and gets a bit sad when I go away.  Next time!!

I am not sure if I mentioned that one of the reasons that May could be a bit triggering is because it is ow’s birthday.  It also happens to be the same day as SIL’s birthday so it will likely never be forgotten.  This year it was SIL’s 50th and she planned a weekend at the river.  The river itself is a bit of a trigger for me.  Add alcohol and ow’s birthday and I found myself getting a bit anxious in the lead up, losing sleep and crafting conversations with H in my head about the “elephant in the room” etc etc.  I ended up deciding that any conversation was really just a way for me to control the situation and let him know I was watching again.  I decided to let it go and deal with any consequences rather than try and prevent them.

I was pleased I did because H was aware of the elephant and chose to leave his phone in our camper all weekend.  We didn’t discuss it at the time and I wondered if it was intentional.  When we got back, I raised it and he told me that he had done that on purpose so that I wouldn’t worry.  I can’t tell you how peaceful it was.  He was also very loving and attentive and I felt no pull from him in any other direction.

Another conversation of note occurred after H decided to buy himself a ring for his right ring finger.  A bit odd since he is really not a blingy person but he said something about it providing balance.  ??? Tell me more.  I am not sure that we have really finished with this conversation so I am not sure I am going to make a lot of sense in relaying it so far but at the time, I could only probe so far. 

H said that it would balance out the wedding ring and then started talking about how when we were separated, his life was out of balance.  I asked him how that looked and he struggled to answer but said that every time he walked out the front door, it felt really wrong.  He described being pulled and forced out and I asked him if the forced part was because I asked him to leave.  He said no that wasn't it so there was another force in play.  I said that I had wondered what would have happened if I hadn't asked him to go but said that I strongly felt that it would have crucified us because I wouldn't have been able to watch what was going to inevitably happen.  ow was a close work colleague of his and he wouldn't have been able to easily manage having no contact with her.  We talked a bit earlier in this conversation about how determined women can be when they want something and I acknowledged the few times that I genuinely saw him try to fend her off.  I also said that if he hadn't had any doubts about us, curiosity about her or something going on with him, he would have been able to do it convincingly.  A perplexed look came over his face and it seemed like he hadn't felt a choice in there at the time. He also said that he is finally starting to feel some solid ground beneath him and some sense of deserving where he is now.  He also confessed to being worried that something would mess it up but I said that I thought that was pretty natural.

A couple of weeks ago, there was another complaint to CASA about H drinking at the company hotel in ow's town and then going flying.  Similar allegations about depression and alcoholism were included in the letter so CASA contacted H to launch another investigation with CDT blood tests and the like.  This time they found a less cooperative H who asked them to explain their lack of investigation into claims that had been so obviously false (given the almost 12 months of contact via various sources).  It really helped his case that he hasn't actually been to ow's town in 6 months and the letter must have either given some dates or a timeframe.  A few confirmation emails from the company followed and the investigation was closed with a promise by CASA to consider insisting on some identification by any future complainants. 

Here's where it gets interesting.  H was supposed to be in that town around that time...with me.  One of his colleagues told him a week later that she had heard him being paged in the terminal for the flight that they had forgotten to cancel him off. H has since been back to the company to ask who might have access to his calendar or may have been transiting through the terminal at that time. On the same day that the investigation was resolved (which was 2 days after it started) H got the first direct email to him from the stalker fool.  It was made to look like a company newsletter which talked about the recent marriage of a ghost of girlfriend past and then went on to tell him that he should leave because "we" (company staffers) all hate you.  But they surmised that an alcoholic 50 year would have no where to go.  They asked if we all hated him and told him to go firetruck himself.

Well, well, well, haven't we finally spat out our lollipop? It kinda feels like a last gasp.  It feels like they knew that the investigation went no where but it literally all got sorted on the same day so it's either coincidental or narrows the field even more?  H forwarded that to HR too and pointed out that this person is indicating that they work for the company and that should be cause for concern.  That hasn't progressed any further to my knowledge and we have been on 2 weeks leave since but I am sure H will follow it up.

H still thinks it is related to a guy from 2014 or his IT whizz weird friend.  Everyone else thinks its female.  D21 was checked into her flight in ow's hometown by her sister the other day.  She made the connection towards the end of the process and didn't report any vibe in particular.  What I didn't realise though, was that she works for the company - not the airport as I had suspected.  It's got me wondering if she has access to more info than we realise.  I have always wondered if it might be her because apparently she is mentally unwell.  She could also know about an incident between H and the afore mentioned ghost of girlfriend past that left ow standing on a street corner late a night waiting for a pretend boyfriend who was out getting drunk with GOGP.  All very sordid really.  I hope it continues to die. 

I did tell H that I was very proud of the way he had handled it all.  That he had never retaliated despite massive provocation.  In truth, it was a bit of positive reinforcement in the hopes it would promote more of the same.  It did - he seemed to need to hear that.  Maybe he has even made things easier for other people in the future who have false claims made against them.  He has since gotten himself really drunk and almost messaged the guy on Linkedin.  Fortunately, he didn't...more gold stars  ::) Geez I swear I would have drowned him if we'd got this far and THEN engaged.

Our trip away was super.  We planned a night in a very remote outback town that had been a stop on the outback adventure that I met H on. I was on a 'famil' and he was our pilot.  At the time, it was all very professional but the flirtation had low-key started.  It was really fun to be back there and reminisce almost 26 years later.  It was about 400km of dirt road to get there and we joked about the "rough ride" analogy.  He thanked me for hanging on.

And finally, it with great relief that H's shenanigans have not soured the well for D21 who is currently going through an extensive and rigorous process to become a cadet with the airline.  She had a phone interview, followed by a WOMBAT test (2.5 computer test that throws the world at you), followed by a panel interview and a simulator test, followed by an interview with the Management Committee and then hopefully she will progress to the last stage which is a "Motivation Letter" to the Singaporean owners.  In that, she will basically promise to sell a kidney  ;D

Bless her heart, she has been working so hard and my house has never heard more plane speak and foreign words before.  H and I were away for a part of it so she has really done it on her own.  It's a type of process that you can't be helped through because it's so rigorous.  Her ground school results as a Flight Attendant still stand as the best ever I think and her reputation since then has only flourished.  Everyone just loves working with her and her boss is married to the guy who did the MC interview so hopefully that helps.  Fingers crossed everyone!

On a side note, that will put her living in ow's hometown for about 45 weeks and you can bet your bottom dollar that I will be there as much as I can.  Running into ow's family would almost be inevitable since it's a fairly small town and I will also probably always be with H, so it's not like I won't know. I think I am prepared for that - it doesn't cause me stress now.
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BD's in May 09, Sept 12 - suspected OW
Left home Jan 12 2013
OW confirmed Feb 2013
Moved home April 11 2014
BD again in April 2017 - clinging. 
Moved home again March 2020
Moved out July 2017
Moved home March 2020
D21, D19 and S17

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New chapter please
#106: June 23, 2021, 03:16:50 AM


What a ride!
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Me - 58, xW - 50
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation & 21 at D-Day
S - 14, D - 10
2 Dogs
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Divorce final 30 August 2019

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