Skip to main content

Author Topic: My Story Not So New: Moving into Year 4--Continuing the journey

  • *
  • Mentor
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 4284
  • Gender: Female
Treasur makes a good point. I am not one to figure my "feels" first, but a lot of people do need to go in that order. I suppose for me, doing makes me feel good always, so that's my mini goto. Plant something, make something, help someone who asks. I know at BD, that was what kept me going, probably because I unconsciously knew that is what makes me feel good. Accomplishing something. Again, though. Knowing myself.
  • Logged
When life gives you lemons, make SALSA!

  • *****
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 11208
  • Gender: Female
There’s no right way is there? Just the right way for you.
And jmo....when in doubt, grow or create or feel grateful or give something rather than throw away or destroy something.
I suspect that may be the difference between a transition and a crisis in the end......
  • Logged
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

M
  • *
  • Trial Subscriber
  • Full Member
  • Posts: 161
  • Gender: Female

Did you ever have a dream of doing or being something? Anything you put off because *insert some reason here*? Or did you perhaps blindly go through life doing what you thought you should, what you were told you should, but that wasn't anything you really wanted specifically? Did you ever even think about you and your life, where you wanted to go and be? A lot of people don't. I didn't really either, I was just of the type that if a good opportunity presented itself, I didn't pass on it unless the pass was what I wanted to do. I am also content with less than some people. I don't need the latest and greatest car or clothes or expensive....well anything. I don't measure my worth by what I have or how the world in general perceives  me, and that is helpful.


This is tricky for me. I think I fall more in the category of just going along with life and doing what I "should" do. No big dreams or ambitions really. I just did whatever I was told to do and that worked fine for me. I have hobbies that I enjoy. I love my job. But it all sort of feels a bit empty. I will have to grapple with what is it that I really want? What is it? 

The thing that's hard for me too--I know happiness does not come for external things. I know I need to find it from within, but the within feels like an empty shell. Like there is no substance there, no real anything. As if I've faked it my entire life to a point where I legitimately don't know what my dreams are. Sometimes I ask myself--if money was not an option and I didn't have responsibilities, what would I want to do? I'd want to spend time traveling, hiking, backpacking. I do those things now--but they are sort of unfulfilling as I am mostly doing them on my own. As sad as it is, I'm leaving my dog behind too because she's older and it's getting too hard for her to do the big trips with me.  It's not like I NEED someone with me. I do enjoy traveling on my own schedule, but that gets a bit old at times. It's a lot to slog through and try and figure out.
  • Logged

M
  • *
  • Trial Subscriber
  • Full Member
  • Posts: 161
  • Gender: Female
Recognise that ‘what on earth is the point of my life/me’ feeling all too well. (Fellow LBS with no kids and no real family left either)

Fwiw.....bc as OR says our mileage may vary lol....for a while, not only did I have no answer but even the big question was disheartening tbh. So I stopped asking myself....I brought life back to the moment, the hour, the day and focused on what was the point of that day/activity/interaction. And as I said on my thread, I strangely found (not my intention at all ha ha) that each small thing slowly started to become part of a slightly bigger something. I call it the drystone wall  :)....still a work in progress here though  :)

It may also be worth focusing less on what you want to DO and more on how you want to FEEL as you do it? My biggest desire was to feel Peace initially....so I did more of anything that made me feel Peaceful. Then it was idk Engaged I think....in the sense of a bit more curious and engaged in life around me as opposed to being rather semi-detached. Now, I think i’d like to feel Excited again so I am doing the same kind of trial and error process of seeing what makes me feel that way. Step by step, sorting as you go. And trusting that there is a rhythm, that you’ll find it and that it grows as you go.

Hope that helps?

This is quite helpful for me. Thank you for sharing your experience! Sometimes I think it's a bit difficult as an LBS with no kids or family really. I mean, I have siblings, but they have their own spouses and kids. Plus none of us live close to each other. A lot of what I'm struggling with is focusing too much on the future and the possibility that my future may be one without a family. That's tough. I'll try and spend more time in the moment.

I think I spend way too much time feeling. I know it's important. I've been working hard to sit with and accept some of the ick. It's a bit overwhelming I think  this may be why I'm having these sudden urges to do "crazy" (for me anyway) stuff. It's almost ironic because I know it's a desire to run from the internal angst. Ironic and funny since that's one thing our MLCs are really good at doing. They run from their internal stuff. Run and run and run. At least I can recognize it--this big sort of gapping nothingness trying to pull me in. I know myself enough to know that I'm not going to destroy my life.  I will try and find new things to create. :-)

A very interesting observation for me too--my health is very important to me. I exercise every day. Nutrition is also very important. Too many of my family members have spent years of their lives in pain due, in part, to unhealthy lifestyles. As silly as this seems, I've got the biggest urge to go out and get fast food (which I hate). *sigh* Another example of the crazy things my brain is doing right now.

As for the creative side--I did meet with a marketing lady today. I'm working to expand the experiential portion of my therapy practice. She had a lot of very good, very creative ideas. I'm looking forward to how she can help me with this. I'd love to shift from traditional "talk" therapy to more experiences. One day I hope to own my own experiential therapy center. I have lots of things to flesh out about it, but I envision it as a place for trauma kids to experience all sorts of healing modalities: animals, art, cooking, movement, nature, wilderness experiences, etc. Of course, I'll be the owner and contract other therapists to work at the center so...less work for me.  ;D That's a long way off, but this meeting today is a big step in making that a reality.
  • Logged

s
  • *****
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 1754
  • Gender: Female
I must admit, I live a very unhealthy life style. McDonald’s is defo one of my most visited places. But I guess one trip won’t kill you!
  • Logged
Me - 28
H - 35
3 children together D3 D6 D8 (D1 D4 and D6 at the time of BD)
Together - almost 8 years

BD & MLCer moved out - November 2017
OW discovered - December 2017
Moved in with Ow - November 2019
Ow met children - December 2019

M
  • *
  • Trial Subscriber
  • Full Member
  • Posts: 161
  • Gender: Female
I must admit, I live a very unhealthy life style. McDonald’s is defo one of my most visited places. But I guess one trip won’t kill you!

I'm a firm believer in everything in moderation.  ;D Fast food just really upsets my whole system. If I eat fast food, I'll have a headache for a few days and sleep pretty badly. Funny enough--as much as I was craving fast food, I didn't actually get any. The closest I got was treating myself to a burger at the local restaurant. It was delicious. What I can say is I'm a sucker for ice cream. Now that it's hot, I have perhaps eaten more ice cream then I normally do. And yep, I get a headache from it. HAHAHA. But it is soooooo refreshing on a hot day. :-)
  • Logged

s
  • *****
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 1754
  • Gender: Female
I’m glad I don’t get headaches when I have a McDonalds 😂
  • Logged
Me - 28
H - 35
3 children together D3 D6 D8 (D1 D4 and D6 at the time of BD)
Together - almost 8 years

BD & MLCer moved out - November 2017
OW discovered - December 2017
Moved in with Ow - November 2019
Ow met children - December 2019

 

Legal Disclaimer

The information contained within The Hero's Spouse website family (www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com, http://theherosspouse.com and associated subdomains), (collectively 'website') is provided as general information and is not intended to be a substitute for professional legal, medical or mental health advice or treatment for specific medical conditions. The Hero's Spouse cannot be held responsible for the use of the information provided. The Hero's Spouse recommends that you consult a trained medical or mental health professional before making any decision regarding treatment of yourself or others. The Hero's Spouse recommends that you consult a legal professional for specific legal advice.

Any information, stories, examples, articles, or testimonials on this website do not constitute a guarantee, or prediction regarding the outcome of an individual situation. Reading and/or posting at this website does not constitute a professional relationship between you and the website author, volunteer moderators or mentors or other community members. The moderators and mentors are peer-volunteers, and not functioning in a professional capacity and are therefore offering support and advice based solely upon their own experience and not upon legal, medical, or mental health training.