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Author Topic: My Story Where Do we fit? All Things New!

U
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My Story Where Do we fit? All Things New!
OP: April 14, 2019, 03:28:02 PM
Well, I thought I was doing to my last chapter.  My ex has taken me down to the road of chaos as life didn’t really turn out the way he thought.  He hasn’t admitted it but he hasn’t been able to do his life very well.  Still playing the blame game because he just can’t look at himself. 

But...everything that was throw at me I was able to walk through.  God protected me.  He didn’t stop it but he kept me afloat. So now it’s me time.

Because of finances I had to move out of the apartment I had for the last 6 years after my ex moved me from 1 state to another.  I tried to hold on to it but it was time to move on, let go and start new.  I did all that while going through bankruptcy. Other then feeling humiliated by it all it turned out not to be to bad.  I just wished my bankruptcy was because of something I did rather than my ex losing his business and messing up his life but it’s done and I survived.

So, just before the move I found out that my full time job was going down to part time.  More chaos, my chaos.  So I panicked thinking I was going to be homeless.  My department found me a job 45 minutes from my home and I didn’t have a good feeling about it.  Placed some resumes out there and found a job within the company I’m working with.  It’s going to be a good fit.  It’s a buck less an hour and not sure how that is going to work for me but it’s close to home and I get to keep my benefits and time off.  I also just had an interview with a grocery store near me for a part time job but I’m sure it’s not going to pay well.  But, I will do what I need to do. 

So, everything is in order.  I still have 1 last thing to nail down.  The 2014 taxes he left me with and then there is nothing more.  He won’t pay me the alimony so there’s no need connecting with him to so I have been no contact for about almost 2 1/2 months.  I think this is the longest.

I’m still unpacking but my place is looking good. It’s not what I had but I can make it my home.

Thanks for reading and keeping me on track.

Here’s to another new thread!!!!

https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=10241.0
https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9077.0
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8815.0
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=7875.0
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=7190.0
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=6845.0
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=7337.0
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=6387.0
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=6262.0
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=6190.0
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=6053.0
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=5827.0
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=5692.0
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=5633.0
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=5581.0
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=5462.0
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« Last Edit: April 14, 2019, 03:29:47 PM by UnconditionalLove »
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Re: Where Do we fit? All Things New!
#1: April 15, 2019, 03:29:53 AM
Following along on your new journey, UL.   :)
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"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

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Re: Where Do we fit? All Things New!
#2: April 15, 2019, 04:14:40 AM
Following along
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Me - 28
H - 35
3 children together D3 D6 D8 (D1 D4 and D6 at the time of BD)
Together - almost 8 years

BD & MLCer moved out - November 2017
OW discovered - December 2017
Moved in with Ow - November 2019
Ow met children - December 2019

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Re: Where Do we fit? All Things New!
#3: April 24, 2019, 03:45:19 PM
UL, good luck in the new place. And kudos to you for taking the bull by the horns regarding your job. They say one of the most stressful things in life is a long commute because the traffic is always different and you never get settled with a pattern. It was also brilliant that you get to keep your benefits and time off.  I would have taken a cut in pay too, to achieve all of that.
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trying2bok

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Re: Where Do we fit? All Things New!
#4: April 26, 2019, 09:26:09 PM
Seems like you're making the new place a lovely home for yourself.  At least its MLC free ;D
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"And when they ask you about me and you find yourself thinking back on all of our memories,
I hope you ache in regret as the truth hits you like a bullet and you find yourself replying: ""She loved me more than anyone else in the entire world and I tried to destroy her."  He failed by the way. 
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8412(Denjef's thread)

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Re: Where Do we fit? All Things New!
#5: April 30, 2019, 03:10:57 PM
Well hello my people! LOL! 
So, I have gotten moved in.  Now for the occasional tweaking.  I wanted to have everything in place before I start my new job which is Monday so I was able to do that.  The job I have right now I had half a day on friday's off.  I will miss that but I was actually working a part time job anyhow so sometimes I had to go there from 2 to 5.  I just picked up an another new part time job.  A friend started a dog walking, training, groom business and I will be working night remotely at home doing invoices, and other office stuff so. For now finances should be in order.  I will still hold on to my other part time job which will make 3 jobs but I got this.  If my ex would just send me a wee bit of money I wouldn't have to do this but I'm not asking for anything from him.  I won't get it and I don't want to break no contact to hear I won't get it.  I'm going to live on faith! Next week it will be a full 3 months of no contact!  He will never look back!  I honestly think if and when the affair OW thing is over he might just leaving the US and head back to mom and dad's country to hide.  They could use his help and he can look like the good son.  Of course he's in debt and hasn't paid taxes so that would start the whole tax evasion thing.   Who really knows what he will do.

Thanks everyone for the support!  It feels good to be out of the old apartment but it also has made me more alone.  I don't know anyone here and at the other place I did.  So, I feel a little like all I did was make myself more alone. 

Hope you all have a great night!
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Re: Where Do we fit? All Things New!
#6: April 30, 2019, 03:37:21 PM
It will only feel more lonely at first. Then, as you become accustomed to the new place, it will begin to feel like home and comfy. Are you able to take walks around the new neighborhood and possibly meet some people?
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Re: Where Do we fit? All Things New!
#7: May 01, 2019, 06:47:39 PM
Learning, you are right I’m sure it will get better.  I haven’t gotten out yet because I just moved and wanted to get this packing done before I start my new job on Monday.  I use to have half a day on friday’s Off and now I’m working an 8 to 5 M thru F.  Part time evenings starting soon so I won’t have much time to myself.  I will start getting out here possibly this weekend.

In other news.  The 2014 joint taxes have been hanging over me.  If all goes well because I got disconnected from the IRS person I was talking to tonight.  If she follows through I am going to pay $50 a month for a year on those stupid taxes to get them off my back.  Then they want to raise it in a year.  Any other plan was going to put me in a lien situation with them and I’m tired of being humiliated by MLC’er stupidity.  They wouldn’t place him on a lien just me.  But, the lady I spoke to tonight was great. I prayed and prayed and prayed I would get a good person from the IRS and she was very understand and explain stuff well. I can’t let this go on any more. 

So, that was the last thing I needed to take care of.  I am also going to check into a Tax attorney to see if he knows of other options as well.  But this will buy me time. 

So, there you go!
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Re: Where Do we fit? All Things New!
#8: May 02, 2019, 12:44:25 PM
Sounds like you got the perfect agent to help you with your dilemma. Glad to know the payment plan won't break the bank. I think you are wise to want to consult with an attorney.

I hope the unpacking goes well and you will be out and about dazzling your new neighbors.
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Re: Where Do we fit? All Things New!
#9: May 02, 2019, 03:29:43 PM
Thanks learning!
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Re: Where Do we fit? All Things New!
#10: May 03, 2019, 03:20:46 AM
Hi UL,

I'm glad you got a nice person in the IRS to talk to.  I've been on hold with them for hours sometimes and then get a grouchy agent doesn't help any. 

Hope you absolutely love your new place!  It just takes awhile to make it home.

Big Hug

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A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

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Re: Where Do we fit? All Things New!
#11: May 03, 2019, 12:47:11 PM
Thank  you Thunder.  I think I'm finally dug my way out.  I'm sure I will start enjoy my new place here soon.  Starting to settle in.  New job Monday and off I go! LOL
Hope you have a great weekend!

Big HUGS back!
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Re: Where Do we fit? All Things New!
#12: May 26, 2019, 08:18:01 PM
Hey, I just thought I would check in.  I just got back from a much needed vacation.  My friend took me on a Disney cruise and it was amazing!  It was so nice to be with someone for 4 days that I have known for a long time.  I rested, played, enjoyed and sunned. LOL!  But, one thing came to mind.  I am single and look I still have opportunities like the ones I would have had married.  Just a few but this last year I flew to Vegas for a conference where I was asked to sing.
I went to Ireland and I just got back from a cruise.  All I have to say is I am blessed!!!!

Feb 7th was the last communication I had with me ex.  It ended with me saying I was moving and him asking me to send him an email with my new address.  I said I didn’t think he needed it because if he was going to send me money he would do it through paypal.  After getting off the phone with him and him telling me all the weird stuff about himself.  I texted this

Hey, if what you said today is true about your life, it makes me sad to know that such a brilliant person I once knew is so lost.  I just wanted to say maybe it’s time to reach out to some people you once knew for help.  there has got to be more for your life.  Something just doesn’t feel healthy.

And then...4 months of silence from me!  I’m kind of proud of that.  It’s the longest silence no contact.   I’m moving forward and done trying to get money. Ill just work my butt of till I can’t.  He’s not going to contact me.  Even if he has a moment that he thinks about it he won’t because money could be brought up.  He’s made his bed and long live there relationship. LOL! 

New job is going ok.  Still learning and I’m honestly tired of learning something new.  I will be learning this job for awhile.  I hope I can learn it all.  Working for actual Drs can be stressful so we’ll see how that goes when I’m finally working on my own. 

Hope you all are enjoying your long weekend!
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God is with her, she will not fall
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Re: Where Do we fit? All Things New!
#13: May 26, 2019, 09:24:22 PM
What a lovely holiday you had UL, so nice to do normal things for a change.  Sometimes I don't feel as if I've done anything normal for many years.  The activities I used to do with xH are not what I do these days.  i do miss having a man to do stuff with.  I don't miss Xh the way he is, but the way he was before.

Keep on going with the new job, I'm sure it will feel like you've been there years very soon.  I started a new job a few months after BD and have no idea how I wasn't fired as my poor mind was mush ::)
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"And when they ask you about me and you find yourself thinking back on all of our memories,
I hope you ache in regret as the truth hits you like a bullet and you find yourself replying: ""She loved me more than anyone else in the entire world and I tried to destroy her."  He failed by the way. 
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8412(Denjef's thread)

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Re: Where Do we fit? All Things New!
#14: May 27, 2019, 07:50:14 AM
UL, I am so happy that you are finding that you can still enjoy life. I went to Ireland twice, I went to visit family in Norway, I go to see lots of music concerts, been on cruises, etc. There is life after all this chaos. We just have to be open to see the possibilities instead of lamenting what is no more. Of course, we all find our way in our own time.

We are survivors. And UL, you have a place on my Apocolypse team any time you want it. We know how to get things done! :)
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trying2bok

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Re: Where Do we fit? All Things New!
#15: May 27, 2019, 01:08:03 PM
UL, I'm so pleased you had a great time on the cruise. Don't worry about feeling you have a ways to go in your new job, that's normal. I bet you'll be doing great in no time. You're an LBS who found HS, you're used to learning lots of stuff very fast. Just give yourself time.

What a ways you've come.
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Married 1989, together since 1984 
BD May 2014,
D26, D23, S16
OW Physical Affair same one. He and she said she turned 34 the month of BD. She turned 52 this year.

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Re: Where Do we fit? All Things New!
#16: May 27, 2019, 02:24:42 PM
I’m happy for all the blessings you’ve been counting and all the genuine “UL” you’ve been identifying with along the way on this path you didn’t choose for yourself.  You sound great.  Keep singing, keep dancing, and keep cruising!
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Dreams are renewable. No matter what our age or condition, there are still untapped possibilities within us and new beauty waiting to be born.

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Re: Where Do we fit? All Things New!
#17: May 27, 2019, 03:48:24 PM
Haha Learning.  I’ll join your Apocolypse team.  I’m honored you would have me.

Thanks Milly. I just feel like I transferred within the company and they are thinking I should have all this down.  But I am getting it slowly.  No one has said anything to me so it must be all good.

Thanks Calling,  I will keep plugging along.

Thanks for the encouragement everyone!
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God is with her, she will not fall
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Re: Where Do we fit? All Things New!
#18: May 27, 2019, 06:19:12 PM
You sound amazing UL.

Very proud of you going this long with NC.
Yay you!!   ;D
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A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

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Re: Where Do we fit? All Things New!
#19: July 07, 2019, 07:19:43 PM
Well, well he has a JOB! Well kind of.  I know when he did get a job that I would probably be able to find it. He got hired to work Saturday at a chiro franchise clinic.  They did a congrats to him and it showed up on the search and link to FB.  My guess is they hired him for Saturday’s because there are no full time position for him but they are getting ready to open a new clinic close and will be moving people around.  I should be able to track that down and then I will start the whole please send me money thing again but for now.  I’m laying low.

Here is the kicker to this.  I spoke to him in February as I was trying to get a feel about money.  I said you know you should try and get a job with SSSSSS company. And BAM he got hired in May.  He is still taking my lead!  Can someone explain that? LOL! He still follows my lead.  He’s done this a few times while with other woman.  He has to still in some way respect my advice.  Or just can’t come up with anything himself.  Weird.
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God is with her, she will not fall
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Re: Where Do we fit? All Things New!
#20: July 28, 2019, 05:47:43 PM
Just thought I would check in an journal a bit.  I don’t think I’m on the radar here anymore and I understand.  I have been on here now on and off for 5 years.  I can’t believe this has been going on this long.  First week of Aug it will be 6 months and no contact with my MLC’er.  I have pretty much left him behind. 

I have settled in with my new job.  Stressful but I like it. I am learning my weekday part time job and enjoying it.  I now have weekends off because I lost my weekend job.  Not sure how I will survive but I seem to be.

I am going to begin going to counseling.  My church is paying for it.  I mentioned I wanted to go back on and do ministry and they thought it would be good for me to go to counseling because telling my story is going to open up that whole can of worms I have tried to put behind me.  So, I said I would go.  It’s something I can’t afford so it’s an opportunity I should take.

My health isn’t doing so well.  I don’t feel bad but my number are out of whack so I am choosing to make some med changes to see if it help or I will need to do some radioactive stuff and I don’t want to do that yet.  I feel find and don’t want to mess with that no matter what the numbers say. 

In other news my life is so boring.  I hate just making through each day. There is nothing to look forward to.  I miss my old life and can’t seem to find anything in my new life to really enjoy.  So, I have settled into the fact that this is it.  It’s not the worst, not the best just boring. 
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Re: Where Do we fit? All Things New!
#21: July 28, 2019, 05:55:08 PM
Quote
I miss my old life and can’t seem to find anything in my new life to really enjoy.  So, I have settled into the fact that this is it.  It’s not the worst, not the best just boring.

Many of us feel the same way. You'd think we'd be beyond all that and we do all find different things to do...but I would agree....I miss my old life very very much. I miss him very very much and accept that this is the way things are, grateful for the good that I have in my life.

I hope you get your meds straightened out. That on top of everything else is added stress.
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"Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see" Hebrews 11:1

"You enrich my life and are a source of joy and consolation to me. But if I lose you, I will not, I must not spend the rest of my life in unhappiness."

" The truth does not change according to our ability to stomach it". Flannery O'Connor

https://www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com/chapter-contents.html

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Re: Where Do we fit? All Things New!
#22: July 28, 2019, 06:17:52 PM
Thank you XYZCF.  I guess how I feel is pretty normal if many others feel the same way.  Stress is what is making my tumors grow.  This last 5 years hasn’t been good for my health but it could have been worst. I’m still here and still kicking pretty well. LOL!

Hope all is well with you!
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Re: Where Do we fit? All Things New!
#23: July 29, 2019, 05:05:51 AM
Here is the kicker to this.  I spoke to him in February as I was trying to get a feel about money.  I said you know you should try and get a job with SSSSSS company. And BAM he got hired in May.  He is still taking my lead!  Can someone explain that? LOL! He still follows my lead.  He’s done this a few times while with other woman.  He has to still in some way respect my advice.  Or just can’t come up with anything himself.  Weird.

He has MLC Fog-Brain..... and couldn't find his way out of a paper bag with a map, compass, and a handheld GPS....
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Me - 58, xW - 50
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation & 21 at D-Day
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A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
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Re: Where Do we fit? All Things New!
#24: July 29, 2019, 05:37:37 AM
Hi UL. nice to hear from you.   :)

I'm really sorry about the tumors, but yes stress can do a lot of damage to our health.  I'm happy to hear you can get some counseling and your church will pay for it.  God bless them.
Weren't there specialist out of state you wanted to see?  Did you ever get there?

I'm glad you are feeling ok.  Are you just on medication for them, or do they recommend any other kind of treatment?  (If you care to share)

UL it's funny, you'd think 5 years is such a long time and you should feel back to normal, but in the grand scheme of things it's really a pretty short time to get back to normal.   Our world gets knocked off kilter with this shock and things change overnight.  It takes a lot of time to get where we want to be.

6 months NC, bravo!  It will keep getting easier, UL. 

Hope you're enjoying your new place?

Big Hug   :)
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A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

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Re: Where Do we fit? All Things New!
#25: August 15, 2019, 04:36:50 AM
Hi UL, it is good to hear from one of the longer timers, I've been here six years and it still feel as if I have some healing to do.  It's the gift that keeps on giving and I think the more ruthless the MLCer is, the longer it takes.  The constant lawyers letters and court appearances kept me engaged for a lot longer than I wanted and now that all the legals are sorted, I finally feel I can do things for me and not have to worry about xH ruining the flow of my life.

I hope your health improves, maybe now you don't have your H constantly at you, things will get better.

My life is sort of boring too. It was boring when I was with xH and I loved it, routine of taking the kids to school, going  to work etc., just what I loved.  Mu life is now limbo and I wish for boring, it was the best!

The difference is life is either boring and a little sad or boring and content and I wish for the contentment again which xH took away from me.

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"And when they ask you about me and you find yourself thinking back on all of our memories,
I hope you ache in regret as the truth hits you like a bullet and you find yourself replying: ""She loved me more than anyone else in the entire world and I tried to destroy her."  He failed by the way. 
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8412(Denjef's thread)

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Re: Where Do we fit? All Things New!
#26: August 16, 2019, 06:47:11 PM
Thanks for still reading you all!
Thunder, my cancer is consider rare which means it’s hard to find a MD who actually truly knows what to do.  They knew the basics but they do invest quality time like CE’s to get educated.  That’s why I fly to MD’s who know my illness however the one in my state is wanting me to do an injection of radiation with the isotope that should work on my tumors. However, I am not sure I want to do that right yet.  I have changed my shot medication and getting my first one this weekend.  My MD here doesn’t think it’s worth trying.  My specialist in Colorado says yes it is.  He thinks it’s an easy first step change so I’m going with that.

Savoir, Yes thoughts court days or lawyers I’m glad to have behind me for sure.  Glad they seem to be behind you as well or at least not as often.   
I have been for 5 years.  5 years really of no hope.  I still miss my best friend.  I believe I always well.  I wish I could close that door.  I wish I didn’t believe that somehow we will think back and remember how good it really was.  I wish I could look forward and believe it’s over and there is no way he will ever look back.  He really hasn’t given me one reason to think he will figure out his loss.  I just live day by day.  It’s not bad, it’s just lonely.  But I guess it will get better.  I know it has but I still go back there in my head.  I wish I could beat the thoughts.  Oct will be my 4th anniversary of the divorce.  Crazy

Me too Savoir,  Me too!  Hope you have a great weekend!
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Re: Where Do we fit? All Things New!
#27: August 17, 2019, 12:32:07 PM
UL, sorry to hear about your health. I hope this new shot does what it's supposed to do. Sorry you don't have your weekend job either, but I hope these weekends off will help your health. I'm always surprised how opportunities just seem to turn up. I hope this will happen for you, too.

I'm 5 years in, too, and feeling a bit like you. Life is boring. I miss my partner and companion. Things are much easier than when we were tormented by the regular lawyer's letters and court appearances. Now those things don't seem as stressful as they were in the moment. Glad they're mainly behind me, though.

Yes, getting used to the new normal with not much going on is not easy. I said on another thread, wouldn't it be fun to have an LBS commune where the ones alone could go live together. Independent - LBS living. Stupid dream of mine these days. Or maybe it could become a mini series like Desperate Housewives and we could make lots of money to fund it. Too much time alone, I think, I'm losing it.

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Re: Where Do we fit? All Things New!
#28: August 17, 2019, 05:45:48 PM
Haha Milly Both those ideas could work. Although, I don’t think I want to be called desperate after all we have walked through.  Strong wives? Overcomers? I don’t know but...it would be fun to watch us all.  We probably all have the same personality. We all lead so that would get in the way.  LOL!  I can picture it now. 
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Re: Where Do we fit? All Things New!
#29: August 18, 2019, 01:35:53 PM
UL, all leaders? Oh that would be a nightmare!! Hahaha! And no longer desperate, you are so right! It needs to be Strong Left Behind Wives! The new reality TV show! They won't know what's hit them!
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Re: Where Do we fit? All Things New!
#30: August 18, 2019, 02:34:55 PM
Hi UL,

  I do watch those desperate housewife show. I mean, what's more exciting then watching someone else's drama. 😜 This new show would only be good if they had hidden cameras in the mlcers house. The fly on the wall as they say.

  On one of the serious, I think the New York one, one of the wives was married to a man in a mlc's. They actually talked about it on the show. She divorced him years ago, well he is now trying to reconnect with her. She tells her friends there is no chance, but you can see it in her eyes that she wants him back. I also think that one of the wives on the orange county group who recently divorced was married to a mlcer. He has the signs. Young girl friend etc... it's fun watching this desperate housewife getting herself stronger and rebuilding her life with her daughters.

  Who knows, maybe these women are members here on HS.

-stand
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Re: Where Do we fit? All Things New!
#31: August 18, 2019, 04:12:04 PM
Stand Tall, I think I know who you are talking about in New York.  Did realized her husand was in MLC.  I don’t watch it regularly but it’s interesting.  I did see something where he is connecting again. 

Haha Wouldn’t it be interesting if they were getting their information here. LOL!
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Re: Where Do we fit? All Things New!
#32: August 18, 2019, 05:22:49 PM
I have recently gotten into the real housewives of New York and started binge watching while I was in chemo. Please please please tell me which one you think has the ex-husband who was in MLC. Now I will have to go back and rewatch LOL
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Re: Where Do we fit? All Things New!
#33: August 18, 2019, 05:35:08 PM
Nas,

  It's the little blonde that is always hyper. Her name is Ramona. Some of the gals talked about it during the show. They also asked her if she would ever get back together with him. She said she didn't think so, but that they would always be friends. It's just funny that he has started showing up to the functions that she attends. Not sure what season you are in, but this takes place in the last season.

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Re: Where Do we fit? All Things New!
#34: August 18, 2019, 05:38:17 PM
What? Mario?
I will be watching this in a new light now.

Sorry for the hijack, LOL.
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Re: Where Do we fit? All Things New!
#35: August 18, 2019, 05:54:01 PM
Yup, its Mario.
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Re: Where Do we fit? All Things New!
#36: August 18, 2019, 06:48:33 PM
Yes, I knew it was Ramona and Mario!  I didn’t know however she thought it was a MLC.  Hijack away! LOL
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Re: Where Do we fit? All Things New!
#37: August 18, 2019, 08:04:40 PM
I was a little surprised when they talked about it on the show. I have also read that Emily's H from the orange county crew is going through a mlc's. There were some of the signs present on tonight's episode. He is starting to stay away from the house more and she looks concerned and frustrated. I hate that I know the feeling.

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Re: Where Do we fit? All Things New!
#38: October 06, 2019, 10:51:19 AM
Sacha now desperately sets these shows to series link for whenever they come to the Uk ha!

How are things no UL?
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Re: Where Do we fit? All Things New!
#39: October 09, 2019, 06:54:10 PM
Ok, I have been busy!  I think I have made a big head change.  Out of nowhere I made a couple of pour paintings and my first three piece sold the moment I posted them on FB.  And off I went.  If you are FB you can find me on Painted Praize.  Yes with a Z.  I really seems to be my new purpose.  I am repurposing items as well and I feel like my life has been repurpose so...it’s a match. Lol

I did have one contact with the ex.  I wrote him and ask if it was possible for him to send me money for rent.  I was 300 short.  He wrote back and said

Hi XXXX
Which I thought was formal

I have still not gotten a job.  I have second interviews waiting to be scheduled for 4 possible jobs.  I am over my head myself.  Every credit card company has sued me and await the beginning of employment.  Which what I am looking for.  I am doing my utmost to get a job.  If I could help I would.  I will resume with some payment once I get a job.  Sorr wish I could be more helpful.

Anyone want to pick this apart?

Then I wrote back a couple of days later when my need was resolved.

I wrote - God worked it out

He actually wrote back and I found this interesting.

He wrote - Awesome, God always does.

That wasn’t a God always does for you and me and everyone.  That was my ex say...God always works things out for you.  I feel like his coming out of that blur, the fog and seeing how yes God was there when we needed him because I was praying, seeking and try to follow God’s leading.  Yes, there is no doubt that God always does.
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Re: Where Do we fit? All Things New!
#40: October 10, 2019, 12:41:10 AM
Hi UL, just catching up. I just joined your FB page. Your paintings are full of meaning and love. I hope you do really well selling them.

Your H, although not monster, sounds like he's still in victim mode. God (Mummy) only helps you, while he is jobless, moneyless, debtfull, and miseryfull. But hey, he would have helped if he coulda!
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Re: Where Do we fit? All Things New!
#41: October 10, 2019, 01:03:42 AM
hi UL,

Picking apart H's reply? Easy....



Interesting how he assumes that the Credit Card is a source of free money... until it came time to pay the bills...
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Re: Where Do we fit? All Things New!
#42: October 10, 2019, 07:55:23 AM
Hi UL ~
I found and joined your FB group as well. 
I am so sooo soooooooo excited for you !!! Way to rock a repurposed life  8)

I would agree your H is playing the victim. He’s been in that mode for a very long time now. And there’s really no way to know if he’s being honest.  I think what bothers me most about his response is he’s acting like he can’t “help you out”, when in reality he isn’t paying alimony that he owes you.  He owes you the same way he owes his creditors, but his language reflects that you’re the one he can’t “help out”. I’m speculating that he may also hold on to the excuses, after he does get his job, that he has to pay off his own bills, credit cards, blah, blah, blah... not able to help UL out.

I don’t think you can count on him in the future, but you never know.

Meanwhile, you are rocking a repurposed life like no other I’ve seen and following God’s lead !!
Way to go... very inspiring!

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Re: Where Do we fit? All Things New!
#43: October 10, 2019, 04:39:04 PM
WOW! Thank you ladies for joining my page!!!! I am really excited about it and I love that I can repurpose things along side of my repurposing myself.  I am so glad that  have met you ladies here and I get to see a face to go along side all the messages.  Really, a month ago I didn't see me doing something like this it just happened.

Milly thank you so much for joining the page and being supportive of that for me.  I really do appreciate how you have been supportive here as well. 
My Midlife I believe will always be the victim.  I don't see him getting out of that mode.  He has however not been monstering for a few years now. I think he is stuck, stuck with this life he created, stuck with a sick younger woman, stuck that he couldn't figure out how to pay his bills, stuck with not having a solid full-time job, stuck in New Hampshire (sounds like a movie) and stuck in life in general.  I do not expect him to pay me.  However, there was a different tone in this email.  He didn't have to say him would after he gets a job.  He did almost rather it was for real or not seem to want to help if he could. LOL!  This is the first time he's actually said something like that.  But, I don't believe he will but that's not going to stop me from reminding him from time to time. But you almost have to laugh as you did Milly if he could help he would have. LOL!  He is so clueless that all of this and I mean all of this was from his decision and all that I'm going through is because of him. LOL! He really doesn't seem to understand that.

Major...yes I know.  He's in over his head but it's because of the decision he made and I believe he will always see himself as a victim.

Calling Heart
I am so glad you found my page!!!! Thank you for all your support and encouragement.  When my MLCer say "awesome, he also does" I took that a bit deeper.  I felt like that was directed to me not everyone as in Awesome UL, God always seems to pull through for you.  AND he does!  I am glad that my Mlcer still remembers that, sees it and acknowledge it.  To me that was a memory statement.  Because God always got US through so much over the years because I always turned to him.  My MLCer remembers that part about me.

Thank you all!  I am in such a good place right now.  It really took a long time to figure out me.  Praying for you all!

Edited to remove a real name - UM
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Re: Where Do we fit? All Things New!
#44: October 15, 2019, 01:45:53 AM
Just catching up.

I also joined your Facebook page.

Again I agree with everyone. He’s still in victim mode, but he’s the victim to circumstance he created.
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Re: Where Do we fit? All Things New!
#45: October 15, 2019, 02:56:08 AM
I also joined up on FB....
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Re: Where Do we fit? All Things New!
#46: October 17, 2019, 05:32:26 PM
WOW, thank you all!  I will spend all my life figuring out who is who. LOLOL!  Thanks so much for joining.  I am in awe of how you all are just supposing my new direction.
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Re: Where Do we fit? All Things New!
#47: December 21, 2019, 02:00:43 PM
Merry Christmas everyone!
 I know most of the people that follow this thread isn’t either here anymore or just got bored with it. LOL!  I’m bored with it myself but it’s still a journal even if it’s only when I do get here. Not much is happening on the MLCer side but there is a couple of things.  I will write about me first. LOL!  Imagine that!

As some of you know and who have joined my FB business page I started a small painting business out of know where.  That’s going well and people seem to be supporting it.  Now, that I have most of the needed supplies bought maybe I’ll make a little more money from it and give a little more money to my fund to help women over 50 who have been abandoned.  I really enjoy doing this and it keeps me busy and my mind from wondering. I’m still struggling financially but always get everything paid just in time.  I hate living that way.  It stinks. I can’t remember if I wrote that in October I was $300 short on my rent and emailed you know who only to be told he would help if he could but couldn’t.  The money came in through some friends so it was covered.  I sent ex and email back saying God stepped in, it’s covered.  He wrote back Awesome, he always does.  I didn’t take that as he always does for everyone.  I told that as ex saying he also does for you.  Because Yeah, God always does for me. LOL!

Anyhow,  this week has been awful.  To start out.  Both of my 2 best friends up north are in the middle of a very tragic accident that took the life of one of the couples daughter in law who I knew very well.  She was working with my other best friends and was running a power washer in a new home build cleaning in the garage and was over taken by fumes and died.  My one friend, my ex’s best friend found her and that will be forever in his head.  She was also working for him and I don’t know that he will every move past filling like it was his fault. The other family are just so beside themselves and I can’t be there for anyone.  I hate that! She was young with 2 kids and a husband.

So, Monday I was crying.  Both men the one who found her and the one that is her father in law is my ex’s best friends as well.  I called my ex crying and left a message on his phone.  Weird it wasn’t all filled up. I said,  There has been an accident and xxxx was killed working for friend and explained what happened.  I said, if there is any good in you left now if the time for you to be there for these friends.  At one time they met something to you and they both need you know. Bye. About 10 minutes later he messaged me and said - Thank you for letting me know.  I don’t know if he called by I’m guessing he probably texted both of them.

Two nights ago my ex’s cousin who lives in other country looked my up again on FB.  Seems he also keeps me updated at Christmas to let me know if ex is going home for the holiday’s.  He has everything year since the divorce.  Well, this year he’s going but SHE is not going with him.  I don’t know what that means.  Who spends the holidays without their loved one?  We never did that.  Funny how he has money to buy these airline tickets for $900 but can’t help me out.  Maybe he just didn’t have enough money to buy 2 tickets but it’s still weird. Why does he keep going home every Christmas?  I’m almost sure that’s where his MLC issues stem from.  I know he’s dad isn’t doing well but if you can come up with 1 ticket you would think she could or he could get that second ticket bought.  Leaving her behind seems strange.  But, maybe she’s not doing well with her Lupus.  Maybe it doesn’t mean another at all. 

Seems every Christina’s for me is the same.  I keep thinking maybe this is the year he will maybe send something to apologize for all the stuff he left me with holding the bag.  He had a chance to help me but he is still saying he doesn’t have a job.  He has some money coming in or I’m almost sure he would be living in the same house as her.  He still has his business and there isn’t much money coming in from that but there is some.  He did work 1 day a week for a person but my brother found out he wasn’t there anymore.  My guess he quit.

I still have my full time job and I’m doing my art.  I will be working about 12 hours for a lady making calls after the holiday.  So, hopefully I will be ok financially.   Hope everyone has a wonderful Christmas.  Now, I’m off to make some cookies.
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Re: Where Do we fit? All Things New!
#48: January 25, 2020, 07:09:15 PM
No one’s reading this thread anymore.  I’m just journaling but

Just like that....MLCer is now back in my STATE!  Yep just found out.  He told me tonight via text.  Been here about 4 months I believe.  6 years later I guess the affair is over.  Haven’t been told that yet though.
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Re: Where Do we fit? All Things New!
#49: January 25, 2020, 08:05:28 PM
Hi unconditional,

  Your paintings are beautiful and you deserve your success. I'm not sure if you are standing, but how exciting with the news from your H. Hope you get what you want with that which ever way you choose.

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Re: Where Do we fit? All Things New!
#50: January 26, 2020, 05:49:41 AM
Aw, thank you Stand Tall!  I’m learning and growing and every changing with the art.  I love it and love my purpose for it and God has a plan for it.  Thank you so much!  Glad you are on my page. 

I don’t know if I am or not.  I have been in prayer the whole time for him.  I was freaked out about that information he shared but I’m kind of over that now.  All of this journey is in God’s hands.  It’s been 6 years.  I’m not who I use to be and neither is he.  He has the ex girlfriend written all over him.  He became her.  He is nowhere near through with his journey and is still healing.  He did admit he has been depressed.  So,  we’ll see where he goes from there. For me...I now will remain quiet unless spoken too.  LOL!
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Re: Where Do we fit? All Things New!
#51: January 26, 2020, 01:24:50 PM
Hi UL, I'm so pleased you came on to update us all about the latest from your H. This is quite a change for him. Do tell us, whether you are standing or not. We are always fascinated to hear about the MLCer's journey. We are on the same time line so I can just imagine how surprised you must have been to hear this latest news from your H. Once we get to almost 6 years in, we kind of resign ourselves to the fact that our MLCer is gone, chosen his new life, his OW. So when there are changes of this kind, it really comes as a surprise.

I love your jewelry as you know. I just bought a very pretty piece. Can't wait to wear it.xxx
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Re: Where Do we fit? All Things New!
#52: January 26, 2020, 02:29:33 PM
Thanks so much Milly!  I hope the necklace gets to you.  First international sell!  Thanks for being supportive.  Big chance for me as a couple of you might know if I started a little business in Sept and yesterday signed a lease agreement in a  artsy retail store to sell my art.  The lady was so kind to not only keep the month fee down for me but is allowing me to use her shelving and stuff to make my little booth area pretty.  I go in next Saturday to set it up.  I can't see how excited I am.  My FB page keeps me busy as I get a lot of my sell from my FB page.  I post they buy. LOL!  I know this is God's way of answering some prayer I needed to hear.

But with every good moment something will come along to throw everything in the water for a moment.  Here is how I found out what I know.

I found that MLCer go a 4th degree blackbelt which means he had to go to California to do that and there is a lot of expense to that plus I know he went to home country for Christmas.  I sent him a text on Friday that said

ME -How is it you say you have 4 heart conditions but got your 4th degree blackbelt?  I THINK you are lying about your finances.  Court is going to cost you.  You are not compliant on anything and you will have to pay my court fees.

HIM - What are you talking about?  I am working on pure commission trying to build from scratch.  I made $4000 in 3 months. No XXXX business ( His business that I ran)  Sorry not lying just plain broke.  I have all kind of lawsuits from credit cards.  IRS about to garnish the few $1 I make.

Me - Are you selling?  I really meant to write selling cars

Him - Maybe I should try selling. It wouldn't hurt so much

Me - I get you are having issues.  But you chose this life and you signed an agreement that I haven't held you to.  I'm just trying tomato my rent.  You have to pay something  Are you working with XXX clinic?

HIM - no I worked one day a week for them in other state name for 5 months.

Me - Yes, I knew that.


OK so this is where I started thinking -  no one writes (for them in other state name) unless you are not in other state name anymore.

Him - I can't even afford rent.  I am living in a basement room the clinic owns

Me - WHAT?

Me- Hey

Me Can I ask a couple of questions?

NOTHING FORM HIM

ME - Are you not in other state name?

Him- nope

After that I lost him.  I did type some other questions

wow where are you now if you don't mind me asking?

how long have you not been in Other state name.  Are you somewhere warm LOL?

Are you in another state name?

Looking you're not going to be able to hid where you are LOL

I am 100% sure that you have been depressed also Praying for you.

So,  I didn't think he would probably answer me. I called a couple of friends and said  I have a bad feeling. I think he's in my state again.  They said no he wouldn't do that.  I said yes he would.  It's a state he as a license in. 

Crickets

Then Saturday at 6:12 for no reason I get this text

HIM - Sorry phone died.  Thanks for praying  East state ( my side on the east side)  Yes I was depressed

I have to be honest I freaked out!  It was kind of nice not having to think about running into him.  My state is big but still.  He brought me down here and then left me here and now he's back.

I wrote back - um, I don't even know what to say.  Other than I had a feeling.  I hate my premonitions.  Are you still depressed? 

And no response.

So that is how I found out what I know.

But today I got to thinking.  I don't know what the boards do if you need a new licenses in a state you haven't worked in.  Do they do credit check? Background check? ect?  If so they probably didn't want to have them do that.  Although he really hasn't been on top of stuff like that.  I don't know if he would think of it.  My guess is he has been down here for a little of 3 months.  I think he clear wanted me to know he was down here but waited to respond.  He answered those questions when I asked him.

He is not trying to seek me out.  I don't think he's here because I am. At least I don't think he is.  I don't know why he is here so it's hard to gauge what to do.  I did get some advice from Milly that I am following.

I am not going to talk money because he's not going to send any and I am going to be supportive if he messages me but I don't look for him to do that.  I will not be messaging him from now on.

I am assuming him and OW are not together and he's living in the room or whatever by himself.  Good time for him to think.  I didn't ask him any questions about that but I think by his answers he is kind of letting me know that is the case.  I don't know if he got kicked out or he used the job to leave her.  If he left her it won't hurt as much.  I was kind of hoping she would let him go rather than him letting her go.  But he was in a depression and probably still is.  He is making progress.  Now he just needs to get his life together and he's at a place where that can now happen.

So, there you have it.  I don't know what to think of any of this.  It caught me off guard.  It's so weird to find out over night that a person is back in a state where they don't really have any connections but came back here anyhow.  GOOD new for me is...he's back in the state the divorce was filed. Now I could take him to court and it would be in the same state where the ruling was.  I was told that he wouldn't have to come back down to go to court that it could be in the state he was at.  My fear of that was nothing would have stood ground because it was a more liberal state.  Now I don't have to worry about that.  Why he would come back to this state is kind of mind boggling for me. LOL


Thanks!  After 6 years there could be movement!  You tell me! :)
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#53: January 26, 2020, 02:57:27 PM
  Well, he made contact. Touch and go? Maybe. Guess time will tell were it goes from here. Put it in the back of your mind and think about it if he contacts again.

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#54: February 08, 2020, 03:46:06 PM
Stand Tall, no he didn’t make contact I did by contacting him about money.  He did tell me things but I don’t think that’s a touch and go.

I found out where he is located.  It took awhile but I was able to track it do.  When he said East of the state I didn’t believe him.  I was guessing east of the BIG city near me and that’s where he is.  He’s about an hour and a half other side of big city.  Crazy that he’s here but there are several reason why he would be. One being to get a license right now for him would take a background check and he’s probably trying to avoid that also he probably doesn’t have the money to get another license in another state.   

I want to post this just to add to the journey.
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#55: February 16, 2020, 05:03:56 PM
UL.

Is this the thread you are looking for?
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#56: February 16, 2020, 05:54:33 PM
Hi Thunder,
This is my thread.  It’s been kind of dead.  Did you read my question is this what you are posting about?  I was looking for threads or resources that talk about After the Affair.  MY ex moved back to where I am.  I’m assuming the affair is over and I’m like now what?  I wanted to read up about what goes on in their mind after they affair has ended . I’m assuming I stay low and no contact but was just wanting some advice. 
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#57: February 17, 2020, 02:15:59 AM
Hi UL

There really isn't any good articles about what happens after the alienator is gone, that I could find, but I think you need to remember ow was just a symptom of his crisis, not the cause.  She could be gone, yet still in his crisis, because it was never about her.

Also when they do eventually leave the ow, sometimes they go into a withdrawal depression for some time.  They have to work themselves through it.

I guess I would just leave him be and let him sort his head out.
We never know how things will end up after the alienator is gone.  Sometimes they work themselves back to the LBS, sometimes they find another alienator or they just decide they don't want to come back.  It depends on if their crisis is over or not and if they've done the inner work they need to do.

You just keep concentrating on your life moving forward, UL.  Try to keep expectations low.  You know the drill.   ::)

Hugs
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#58: February 17, 2020, 09:56:20 AM
Hi Thunder,
Thanks, I am leaving him be.  I'm preety sure he is here because he already had a licence here.  Not because I'm here. No is the prefect time to let him bake.  I know the affair was just part of and the cause.  I just thought there would be more info on it but really there is probably not much to say about it other than him working through it or not.  Me,  I am movng forward for sure. 
Thanks a bunch!
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#59: July 03, 2020, 01:18:10 PM
Hi everyone,
I have been quiet, busy and although feel healthy scan’s say not to much.  Also my blood levels should be around 59 and they triple every time I get bloodwork done.  I am now up to 4400 which is out of control.  So, it looks like I will need a treatment like radiation injected in me over months starting here soon.  Not looking forward to that.

Anyhow, I have a questions and I know I am not to read to much into things but...husband is now in the state he left me in.  I have contacted him ever so often and then I don’t contact him.  He seems to be in stage 4 roasting.  Where he moved he doesn’t know many people,  and doesn’t have a TV so at night he’s pretty much alone and alone is probably a good thing right now for him.  Every so often I have texted him things like
Hey remember when we took that cruise with x and z and that island we went to.  That was the best time.
He will text back.  Yes, I do remember, they don’t stop there anymore but it was a cool trip though.

A couple of nights ago a Facebook memory came up.  I dread those when they are about MlCer.  But for some reason I cut and pasted it and sent it to him
I said oh FB is really driving me crazy with these past memories.  Then sent the pic of the post.
The FB post just said
I’m sitting at the airport with my hubby and just wanted to say I love him so much.  We are so good together.  I know that I don’t say that as much as I should.

He texted back
Sorry

I don’t know where that went in his head but I didn’t expect him to texted back sorry.  I did not text him back just left it alone.  I will not text him now for a really long time.

Any comments?

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#60: July 04, 2020, 02:49:47 AM
Hi UL, sorry your health is not great. Hope the treatments don't pull you down too much. Sending you strength and determination to get through them as easily as possible.

Regarding your H answering sorry to your FB memory, it's hard to say what was going through his head. It could be he is saying sorry for not having said he loved you often enough. It could be he's projecting and it's the sorry you should be saying. I would leave him be. It's interesting he's back in your state, broke, living in a very spartan manner. I would give him space to really see where he's at. You've shown him that you are kind and loving, he knows that. Let him figure out his miserable life. Let him reach out to you first. That would be my advice.
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#61: July 04, 2020, 07:04:11 AM
Thanks Milly for responding!  I really appreciate it. Yeah, I know about his head spave.  Who knows.  Lol.  I teally didn't expect him to respond back.  There was no question for him to do so. I was surprised by the sorry from him as that just isn't a word he uses. lol.  He is in stage 4  as I can tell.  He followed the steps in order and is following the 7 year time line.  But...now going through the hardest part because pride and stubbornness is his weakest area and to finish he will have to let go of those.
Yes,  I have left him with good memories.  Now it's time for me to no contact.  He hasn't at any time reached out to me.  I wanted to leave everything on good remembrances.  I can now let go.   Hope all is well with you!!!
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#62: July 09, 2020, 01:45:30 AM
Sorry to hear about your health.

It’s so strange that they can say sorry but not elaborate on what they are sorry for? 🤷🏽‍♀️
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#63: July 10, 2020, 11:34:18 PM
Sachat, lol yes. He's probably thinking it covers everything he's ever done
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#64: September 08, 2020, 11:52:04 PM
Just catching up with your thread UL!

Interesting he has actually replied to you!  I have been here for seven - yes 7!!!!!! years and still don't get even a smidgen of a reply from xH.

I am over worrying about what he's doing now, he deserves the horrible life he's built and to be honest, I am too 'evolved' to be bothered.
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#65: September 18, 2020, 04:54:04 PM
7 years Savoir Faire WOW sorry that he doesn’t reply! 
OK, I have a new update. I am 2 years out from my bankruptcy and I have been pre approved to look for a place.  I can’t believe I am now at that place I thought would never happen.  I am so excited to see my life coming together.
I am taking the money out of the IRA I have from ex.  I am also paying off the taxes that ex owes because I do not want to be glued to him any long.  I have already taken the money and can’t wait to pay off the taxes.

So here’s the new stuff
I can’t ex today. He had to call me back.  He’s definately at a different place.  I called to let him know I was paying off the 2014 taxes.
He was quiet.
I said this is the last straw that has been over me and I need this off my plate.  Also, I need you to start paying me something.  I don’t want to go to court, I don’t want to humiliate you at work with papers and I don’t want  to have you put in jail for all the  things you have not done.  I want us to work this out .  And you will not believe what he said first time he has said anything like this
Yeah, I am at a place I can now send you money. It’s been hard to grow a business and then Covid came but I can said money.  I said can you also pay me back the taxes money too?  he said he could over time.  Asked me the amount.  He asked if I have a paypal.  I said yes, paypal, Venmo, cash app and Zelle. He said lol I can only work paypal.   

I told him I had radiation treatment  this week and he asked me a little about that.  When we got off the phone he said. Sorry about all the stuff you had to go through.
I starting crying and tried to no let him know but couldn’t get the word bye out. 

He’s using sentences now in his sorry.  He really doesn’t know what he put me through.  Sorry right now isn’t the kind of sorry I need but he’s getting closer and closer to understanding. 

He has never said that he would help.  It’s always I don’t have the money this conversation was different.  He is understanding he has a responsibility.  I don’t think they were just word.  Time will tell. He said he gets paid once a month so I’ll know when the money will actually come in. LOL!  I gave him before Christmas.

I think he’s waking up.
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#66: September 18, 2020, 06:42:43 PM
UL I'm so glad to hear he is finally going to start paying you.
Just keep those expectations LOW though until you see some action on his part.

I hope your radiation treatments do the trick.  Please let us know!
You have been through so much my friend.  I pray you get a good outcome from this.

{{Big Hug}}
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#67: September 18, 2020, 06:59:26 PM
Thanks Thunder,
Yeah expectations are low.  I think I was just more intrigued by the change of answers.  We’ll see what comes of any of this but for awhile he has been straight forward with me.
I do have a theory and it’s just that.  I think the money has been a block for him.  Like a burden.  So how he needed to get this off his plate to more forward.  I don’t think he can mend anything till he got that off his plate.  Again, just a theory.
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#68: September 19, 2020, 01:49:36 AM
Hi UL, as Thunder said, hoping the radiation does its job through and through.

Regarding your H, yes, there is a change. Sounds like he is making progress through his crisis and is starting to think about what he did to you. He's aware of it, maybe always was, but now he can admit it. I agree with you that money is a big part of the crisis for many MLCers. It is for mine. I don't think my H can make progress in his crisis until he starts to sort out his finances and bcomes financially responsible. I feel it's part of growing up. I'm pleased for you that he wants to pay you something, I hope he comes through with it. It sure helps us to have some money. x
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#69: September 19, 2020, 07:29:42 AM
Thanks Milly, 
I hope he comes through as well.  It would make a world of difference.  Whatever he comes up with will be a help.  He probably wouldn’t have done it on his own but he was fast and ready to talk about it when it was brought up.  I was shocked.  I should him I have a must amount of trust in him.  I didn’t give him an amount just told him I need something.  So we will see what he comes up with.  I didn’t get a “I’m sorry for what I put you through”. Like but I did get a sentence “Sorry for everything you have had to go through”. So, I don’t know if he’s claim any responsibility yet but it’s been than a text in a conversation that just says sorry.  So I know he’s moving forward.  Maybe he’s learn the words I’m I’ve here soon. LOL.  Anyhow, this is really kind of unique so we’ll see if he come through.  Most guys do just start sending over money after 5 years when asked.  But, I have always stuck by most of what he did was out of lack of knowledge.  He doesn’t know how to do the money side of anything.  That was all me in our marriage.  When he didn’t have money he just shut down.  He couldn’t look at anything and figure out his next step.  Doesn’t make it right what he did but he wasn’t a get even, get her back kind of guy. But...the money isn’t going to wipe out what he did.  Nope, it will just make my life a bit smoother.  Here’s to hoping!
Thanks again everyone!
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#70: September 26, 2020, 06:51:05 PM
Journaling coming close to closing this past.
Today I paid online the 2014 taxes that were our last joint taxes he was supposed to pay.  I took the money out of my IRA and got rid of the last connection that was over my head.  I had to pay a lot of taxes to draw the money out but it’s done.  I am proud to be out from under everything now.

Update on the townhouse I was going to by.  Turns out a CAIVRS stop came up on a search.  That’s when you owe money to some gov agency like Small business loan, which we did. I was able to write it off in my bankrupcy but it stopped me from getting any other gov loan like a FHA.  Yeh for me! So, I won’t be able to get a gov loan because of his default and pushing me to bankruptcy but it’s ok.  Turns out the townhouse has bad toxic drywall from china.  Long story!  So, I won’t be buying anything anytime soon. But it’s ok.

Thanks to everyone that does read.  It’s kind of gearing down now.  Not much happening after 6 years but I do like to journal it so I have it all in one place.
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#71: September 27, 2020, 01:44:54 AM
I know what you mean about liking to journal. I feel when I journal it helps clear things in my own head.

It sounds like you not being able to get the gov loan thing for the town house was actually a blessing in disguise!
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#72: September 27, 2020, 09:24:33 AM
Hello,

Sorry to hear about the loan and the townhouse, but it looks like you dodged a real bad investment. I am sorry that your H's financial actions have done so much to you. My ex almost took me down the same path. Now I am almost fully recovered except I will have to work an extra three years past my expected retirement date to make that up. So MLC can still haunt you years down the road.

The nice thing is that just like MLC, bad financial history disappears with time. Keep journaling and when the time is right, you will have that special place that you can call your home.

(((((Hugs))))

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#73: September 27, 2020, 03:41:06 PM
UL, I agree with everything Ready and Sachat said. Although I wish you didn't have to waste your money paying off your irresponsible MLCer's debts from 2014, I'm glad in a way that the debt appeared so that you did not rush into a purchase that might have caused you much more trouble related to your H and his dealings. I am in a similar boat to you: 6 years later, still paying for stuff that my H should have contributed to, not being able to buy what I need because of it. I admire you paying off those 2014 taxes and just saying enough of the tie. You make me want to do the same. These MLCers are leaky buckets with chains. They will sink us if we allow them to. I wish to do the same as you have done, life within my own means without my H's contribution, even if that means living in a small apartment and not the kind of house I would have desired. I'm beginning to realize how much there is to gain by living in peace, as opposed to living in an ideal house but having it come with strings I can't control.

I hope this decision to clean up these 2014 taxes (which are not really yours to pay), will give you a clean slate on which to begin a MLC trouble free life.
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#74: September 27, 2020, 04:20:35 PM
Thank you Sachet, Ready and Milly.  I did pay off the 2014 taxes yesterday.  I had money taken out of my IRA.  Of course I also had to get enough out to pay the taxes on the money a drew out so another $2000 that was wasted but I’m done with it.
Milly you are right.  Peace is what I thrive for now.  I don’t really care about where I live as long as I’m in a half away decent place and don’t have to worry about what is going on around me.  Even when I was married none of that really matter.  My ex wanted this grand house that was too big for us and the taxes on it was awful.  I didn’t need that.  I’m glad to have the clean slate on the taxes.  It will actually bring me money in as now when I file taxes I will actually get the taxes refunded to me rather than going into the 2014 pit.   

Milly, I’m sorry you aren’t getting help with your financial stuff.  It’s so weird to me how man are suppose to be leaders but as they grow older they bale on their responsibilities.  Some day both you and I will get what is coming to us or we’ll just enjoy what we have and the peace that goes along with it.  I do want to give you hope through.  I know my ex hasn’t paid yet but there is the possibility he might.  It’s the first time his said he would which means he’s in a different place.  He seems to be following the 7 years stretch.   You MLCer might be on his way as well.  Here’s to praying he gets his life together enough to come through with some of his responsibility.  I’m praying for that.
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#75: September 28, 2020, 03:22:02 AM
Hi UL,

Sounds like what xW1 nearly pulled with me too... I took 30K of debt, she bought me out of our house for 1$ (which at least freed my VA entitlement) and then ended up declaring bankruptcy when it was discovered that the builders had used substandard plywood in all the roofs in the area....
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#76: October 10, 2020, 03:38:21 PM
WOW, UrSAMajor!  In this case I’m the one that did the bankrucpy first.  He can’t till he get caught up on taxes he hasn’t done since the divorce.  I just freed him of 2014 but that still leave him with his 15,16,17,18,19 and now 20 before he can claim bankruptcy.  Total mess!  But....CONGRATULATIONS TO ME I am now down with the last joint taxes we had together which he was suppose to pay.  I have them paid off!  No more connection with anything that has to do with him now.   YEH!!!!!!
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#77: October 11, 2020, 01:18:39 AM
That’s certainly worth celebrating
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#78: October 11, 2020, 05:34:37 AM
UL, that is certainly a huge burden less. Well done. One giant step away from the MLCer and the mess they bring with them.
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#79: November 12, 2020, 02:37:37 PM
Thanks Milly!!!
Ok, can anyone explain this?  It this MLC personality change even close to the end.
I had as him through email if he could open an account with the IRS so he could see if it showed that the 2014 looked to be 0.  It’s under his SS number so I can’t see it online. He said he would.  A few days went by and I emailed him to see if he had done it. He said that the link I sent him didn’t work.  So I sent him a link again.  Of course he could have googled all this or emailed me back to ask for the link.  A few days I emailed and he didn’t answer.  Then I said I don’t know how to take this are you not going to answer?  He said his phone was dead. I asked him again if he was going to do this and he said the site kept knocking him off.   This all started OCT 24. It’s now Nov 12th. 
I emailed him
Ok, I’m getting the feeling you just don’t want to do this.  It’s frustrating that I paid off the taxes and you can’t do this.  Just be honest if there’s a reason just honest. Just don’t leave me hanging.  I signed up on this site, I know what it takes to do it.
I get this side that isn’t him.  The weird side.
Cool your jets (never heard him say anything like that) I’ll get it done. I work from 9 am to 7 am in the clinic and then I read films.  I’ll try tomorrow. I wrote back WOW and well tomorrow came and he still hasn’t done it. That was on the Nov 9th.
Am I being hard on him?  One thing about him is time.  He doesn’t understand how time gets away.  That’s normal for him but it’s just saying up for a site to see information Goodness Gracious.  I was ticked when he said cool my jets.  I just feel like I don’t need to take that tone from him.
I had my 2nd radiation IV radiation yesterday and all is still well.  No side effect yet.  Thanks for any comments
Blessings
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#80: November 13, 2020, 04:26:09 AM
UL,

Of COURSE he's being snarky... You are holding him accountable for something he said that he would do..... Accountability = Responsibility and Mid-Lifer's HATE to be held accountable or responsible....   To the Mid-Lifer, that is, of course, pressure.... For you, it is important to get the peace of mind that the debt is, in fact, paid. I guess that MLCH feels that, since you paid it, he is off the hook.....

As long as you keep asking, he will likely keep delaying... And if you do NOT keep asking, he won't do it anyway.... His "I work from x to y" excuse is just that... Watching films is not a necessary or required task. Checking that your taxes have been paid and that the account is now zero IS a required task....

Oh, and no, you don't need to let Mr. 14 year old teenie boy talk to you like that.....
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#81: November 13, 2020, 05:16:30 AM
UL -
I am new to your story (although not new to HS).

I am sorry that this last bit of detachment and finalization is so frustrating.
Perhaps the IRS would be able to tell you if it appears to be paid - if it's a joint filing?  Eventhough his SS# is primary, if your name is also on it, I would think they could tell you that.  If you explain the circumstances...

Good luck.  It sounds like you're in a happier place and peaceful now. 
Good luck with the radiation.

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#82: November 13, 2020, 08:09:13 AM
Thank URSAMajor and Seahorse,
So, since I was home I tried again to call the IRS and finally got the answer I needed. Turned out the money did get credited but not in the right account.  We have a mirror account which is the way they do this when money is due, not been paid and you have divorced.  So, they put it in the mirror account and now it says I have a $150 credit do.  I did ask if that would come back to me and he said yes because it was paid under my SS #. 
I emailed my MLCer and said
Hey, thanks for your willingness to help in opening the IRS account but that is not necessary now.
Thanks again

Passive aggressive YEP but I’m over this stuff with him.  URSAMajor you are right...I bug him about it he’s not going to move.  I don’t bug him about it, it’s not going to get done.  I feel so disrespected.  I mean, I’m a single lady who took the money out from my IRA account and you want to tell me you are too busy with work to do this one thing then give me a snarky reply?  It’s done and I’m glad to be out from it.  Freed from everything he created now.
Thank you Seahorse,  I am at a happier place and it’s very peaceful now.  It’s been a long time coming.
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#83: November 13, 2020, 08:52:44 AM
See how things get done when you take charge yourself.  Never count on a MLCer...waste of time...

Good for you, UL.  You rock!   :)

I hope you continue to have no side effects from the radiation.
How many treatments are they going to do?

{{Hugs}}
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#84: November 13, 2020, 10:43:51 AM
Haha Thunder,  you know everything was done by me (us) that’s the issue. LOLOLOL!  Thanks!
I am having 4 rounds of what they call PRRT which is radiation through a IV to target the tumors I have from my cancer.  It’s a lower version of radiation then others get for other cancers.  But does come with side effect a long term possible effect done the road years later but...I’m already now 60 so...    Anyhow, I have 4 rounds and just had my 2nd.  I have another on in January and my last one is March.  I hope they don’t shut down the US and I don’t get all 4 done in a timely manner.   How have you been Thunder?
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#85: November 13, 2020, 11:03:20 AM
Great job! Now he has no control over you. That is what it was, that combination of "You're not the boss of ME!" And "Hah, if I don't do this, it will tick her off. I have all the control."

Best wishes on the prrt. I would like to pass on my father's recommenadton of "Drink lots of water". He swore that not flushing his system enough was what did him in. May you have little to no side effects.
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#86: November 13, 2020, 12:36:23 PM
UL -
So proud of you for freeing yourself from the uncertainty - AND getting a little bit back!

I can't believe that your H is still in such a deep for after 6+ years.  UGH.  So frustrating.
I'm only 3.5 years in, and it seems like eternity... but it also seems like yesterday!  If that makes sense.

I get what you said in your first post about feeling like you're controlling because everything was heaped on you to do, so you did it because you had to otherwise it might not get done.   So strange how we think we're helping, but only later looked at as controlling...  >:(

Best of luck with prrt. 
Celebrate with a toast to independence and happiness tonight (even if it's just sparkling water~!)...
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« Last Edit: November 13, 2020, 12:41:20 PM by Seahorse »

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#87: November 13, 2020, 02:58:48 PM
Thanks Off Road.  Doing my best to keep moving forward!  Did your dad have PRRT?  YES, I am drinking my water and running to the bathroom.  Then...repeat! LOL!
He has come out.  I thought he was over this kind of stuff but...I think after he said he would start paying me some alimony and he soften up he thinks he needs to harden up now.  I’m hoping this new found aggressiveness isn’t going to be around in Dec when he said he would start paying something.  He might be looking for something to make him made so he can use it against me and not pay. 
I know what is felt like still be be 3.5 years out.  I feel for you. This started for me in 2014 and it feels like yesterday as well and yet so far away.  Now that he is back in the state I am I feel like he has gone in a circle.  I can’t believe he is here.  Neither of us are from here, it’s just where he left me.  He has a license here so my guess it was easy to get back in the state in a place he can hide and doesn’t know anyone.  Even though he doesn’t try to contact me.  He didn’t hide that he was back here. 
He has no control over me.  I think he would like to when gets the snarky thing going but he knows he doesn’t.  He’s moods are changing.  I haven’t seen this one in months so somethings going on.

Thanks everyone!
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#88: November 13, 2020, 05:10:26 PM
Oh NO, I know what this is about.  Stupid me! I just remember something.  I sent him a email that I probably shouldn’t have an he’s been weird ever since.  I probably broke a rule.  I’m pretty sure his snarkiness is because of this.  I can’t believe it.

Hey, this has been on my mind a lot and I just was hoping to put this to rest.  I think you already know this but wanted to write it.  Early on the divorce you told me that you told your parents I divorced you.  That really bothered me and still does because...You set me up to start the proceedings by going to an attorney first.  You wanted me to divorce you so it wouldn’t fall on you because of my illness and so you could say I did it.  I hate that your parents think I didn’t love you and I know they don’t have the whole story on what really happened. I think you know that I loved you and will always love you as you are the man God gave me and that a divorce doesn’t change that fact.  I guess what I wanted to put to rest is I didn’t do it to leave you, I did it because that is what you wanted.  I did it out of love knowing I had to let you go.  I know your parents will never know that but it does break my heart they think I left you.  They don’t need to know the story but it still hurts that  they think the worst of me.  I also really believed that God would fix it before it came to that but well...that didn’t happen either.  I do always wish the best for you, pray for you daily.  When I say daily I mean for 7 years daily multiple times a day.  I just want you where God wants you.  Anyhow, welcome to Sunday!  Dead battery stuck in my car.  God has this covered too!

His attitude is from me.  I totally forgot I wrote this. 
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#89: November 13, 2020, 06:46:42 PM
UC - I think that's a lovely email, and I wouldn't even bat an eye at sending it.
It's not like you've been pursuing him and pushing him away.
You merely sent him your thoughts, and wanted to get it off your chest.
It probably DID make him feel like a jerk, but that's okay too. -- Truth darts, albeit unintended...
I wouldn't give it a second thought.

His snarkiness will fade, or it won't.  Doesn't matter.
What matters is that you got it off your chest...  like the tax issue.... BAM - Done.
Now forget about it and celebrate those small victories.

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#90: November 13, 2020, 09:23:32 PM
Thank you Seahorse!  It does explain the attitude. I don’t have to figure out why the change. LOL!  He hasn’t responded back that I got the answer from the IRS myself.  He won’t and I’m ok with that.  I just didn’t know the change and now I do.  I’ll just move forward.  He’s not done baking yet.  I do wish him the best.  He will probably live the rest of his life with regret, shame and sadness but he’ll always find a way to place the blame on me or who ever when needed. 
Have a great weekend Seahorse
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#91: November 14, 2020, 05:02:37 AM
Hi UL, I'm doing good, thank you for asking.   :)
I see nothing wrong with what you sent him.  I suppose professing love for him put him in a tizzy, or it stirred his guilt up.  Oh well....

I've never heard of radiation thru an IV.  But then I know someone who is getting Chemo by pills.
Well I hope these treatments shrink the tumors down to nothing!  Please keep us updated.

Sending prayers your way, hon.

Hugs

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#92: December 14, 2020, 05:43:56 PM
Welllllll drum roll everyone!  The eagle has landed and all that stuff.  After 5 year and a lot of prayer even when nobody thought that he would.... My ex on Friday paid me some alimony.  I was shocked!  I can’t believe it!  It’s a Christmas Miracle.  No ever gets money from an ex when they stop paying.  I just kept the faith that my ex would at some point do the right thing.  He had to be told to do it or lead to do it.  He didn’t do it on his own but he was at a point where he knew he needed to start doing something.  So, here is to a bright future. Hoping 2021 is my year.
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#93: December 14, 2020, 06:00:54 PM
That is great news UL....such a great miracle!
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#94: December 15, 2020, 02:40:52 AM
Hi UL,

I am REALLY glad that you finally got something.... Let's hope that he continues to honor his obligations now...

Isn't it strange though when we are so happy and celebrate a Mid-Lifer actually DOING what they are obligated/supposed to do? What a messed-up world....

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#95: December 15, 2020, 06:05:46 PM
Yes XYZCf it is a miracle!

URSAMajor, I know right?  It is weird!
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#96: December 15, 2020, 06:52:32 PM
Well will wonders never cease, huh UL?

Hope he stays that course now.  :)

Hugs!
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#97: December 16, 2020, 09:35:16 PM
Thunder, I can’t believe he did it.  He didn’t do it on his own.  I had to say we can do it this way or court and this time it soaked in.  Someone asked me the other day did I thank him and I said no I didn’t.  I didn’t respond.  Why should I thank him for something he should have been doing all along.  It’s a responsibility.  Plus, it’s not like it came out of no where.  He had to be lead to do it but lead or not I don’t care.  I’m just glad he started back up with something.  That first payment is the hardest to get going.  It took 5 years it will come a little more easier has he keeps paying so lets hope I see a second payment.  Thanks
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#98: December 19, 2020, 04:29:11 PM
Yes lets hope so!

So how is everything else going?
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#99: December 20, 2020, 05:40:09 PM
Thunder, all is well.  I am going through some IV radiation and doing well with that.  Working, doing my art and done with all the crap I was left to so I have nothing left I have to fix.  LOL!  I still get sad, I wish for my best friend back but I also see a lot I miss when we were married.  I see how much I missed that was right in front of me.  My MLCer was missing for a while.  He just didn’t know who he was and what he really wanted other than medical school. Lol. He didn’t know how to stand on his own.  He didn’t lead, he followed and I did it all thinking we were both on the same page.  He didn’t communicate, he’s quiet ways now says a lot to me.  I took those as us being on the same page.  I wasn’t looking hard enough to see he was missing.

Now, after the affair which I’m assuming is over he is for the first time on his own making his own decisions and choices.  No one helping him, telling him what to do or him becoming someone else through his quiet ways.  This is the place now that he become his own person.

So, I guess I’m good.  I’m lonely wishing I had that friendship.  I miss that.  I don’t know if the rest of my life is going to be this lonely journey but I’m doing well.
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#100: December 20, 2020, 06:00:21 PM
Your words really made sense to me. I always thought h and I were on the same page with everything. But I realize he just followed my lead. And now he follows ow lead. I also miss my best friend . He was my best friend since we were 14 years old. Even after 5 years sometimes I want to tell him something. I also am lonely. But I guess I’m not ready to put myself out there yet. Maybe some day we will be ready.
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#101: December 20, 2020, 06:13:23 PM
UL I'm glad to hear the radiation is going well.  How much longer do you need to do the treatments for?

Hey we can't blame ourselves for not being mind readers. How could you know you were not on the same page when he said nothing?

I think that is part of the real problem with these MLCer's, like Nah said..They.Never.Said.A.Word.

We think everything is ok...until it isn't and then we are shocked.

That is on them UL, not us.
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#102: December 20, 2020, 08:57:42 PM
I share this sentiment too... my W never gave any indication that our life was anything other than exactly what she wanted. Until BD... and really, even at BD1 she said our life was something she needed, our marriage was something she needed, but she also needed more and she couldn’t keep it suppressed anymore. The problem is... I never asked her to suppress anything, never wanted her to be anything other than exactly who she is. I suspect that is true of all of us. We wanted them to pursue their happiness in the framework of our marriages, the same as we were doing. Could we have checked in with them to be sure they were doing that? Sure. But was it our responsibility to check, or to make sure they were happy? No - it was their responsibility to do that, or to talk to their spouses if they were struggling.

UL, I am glad you are getting alimony even if he had to be led to do it. I’m glad to hear your treatment is going well. As a relative newbie, I appreciate your insight and updates.
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#103: December 21, 2020, 04:46:48 PM
Em it’s so crazy to think how close we were and then it was over.  How much I missed and didn’t see.  Even now, my ex moved back to Georgia.  He’s not with affair gal.  He lives in a basement where he works, no tv, all alone and he doesn’t think to message me, call or anything.  He just reads I guess which is something he does a lot.  But you would think he would be learning something, miss our life, the fun we had, etc and message even out of boredom but nope.  I think sometimes even now...I must have really been that bad.  LOL!  He has never looked back.

Thunder, I have a treatment in January and 1 in March and I should be done.
I know, I know that’s not my problem but you still go down that road of thinking I had to have a part in this somehow.  Even after 6 years I guilt myself. LOL!

Curiosity, Thanks.  I try to be open with my journey and my life.  It’s so weird how so many of us have the same stories and how in their minds they think we held them back from something we never did.  I can’t tell you how many times I would sit and talk to my MLC’er to plan some goals, to see what he wanted to do, what his passions were, etc and he just didn’t have anything to say.  I think I just filled in the blanks and he went with it.

Alimony, I’m glad he’s sending it too.  It’s very rare for someone to starting up with that again after so many years of getting away with not sending it.  Maybe ther’s so guilt in there. Lol

Thanks everyone!  Merry Christmas!  Kind of a sad holiday for me, us.  I hate being a long at Christmas. :(
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#104: December 21, 2020, 07:06:38 PM
Aw UL, please don't do that to yourself.

Were ANY of us perfect?  No but neither were they.  You didn't walk away because he had flaws.
That is on them.

Something just broke in them and only they can fix it.
I hope he can someday, for his own sake.  He's missing out on one terrific, wonderful woman.

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#105: December 21, 2020, 07:20:13 PM
UL... Thunder said it better, but I also want to chime in that you shouldn’t beat yourself up about this. He was responsible for speaking up if there was something he wanted to be different in his life or your shared life. It was his job to seek his happiness within the framework of your relationship, and to talk to you if things needed to change in order for that to happen. He didn’t do it, and that’s on him. It’s normal for us to take the responsibility onto ourselves... most of us were fixers already, and many of us probably did most of the emotional work in the marriage already because it seems like a lot of these MLCers are avoidant. Whatever the LBS does or doesn’t do, the MLCer’s coping mechanisms are broken and this crisis was probably brewing all along, well outside of your control.
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#106: December 22, 2020, 07:36:19 AM

 It’s so weird how so many of us have the same stories and how in their minds they think we held them back from something we never did.  I can’t tell you how many times I would sit and talk to my MLC’er to plan some goals, to see what he wanted to do, what his passions were, etc and he just didn’t have anything to say.  I think I just filled in the blanks and he went with it.



  HI UL ,

    I too struggled with this a lot. My wife leading up to BD would say things like I just want to do what I want. I am like who has ever told you what you can and can't do. 

  I think  this tme of year brings out the worst parts of all of this because we as LBS remember the great parts of our marriage. None of this is normal and definitaly not your fault. Please don't beat yourself up !
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#107: December 22, 2020, 12:45:48 PM
Just echoing everything everyone said already. In no way were you to blame. I always think, even if you were absolutely everything your H said you were and more. Then, the logical thing to do is. Leave. THEN start with someone. Not have affair and leave and cause as much destruction as possible.
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#108: January 01, 2021, 06:55:13 PM
Happy New Year’s everyone!
Thanks Sachat3, Father5, Curiosity and Thunder!  I think the holidays brings this all back up. Avoidant he is!  I keep wanting to say he’s indifferent.  Isn’t that the place between love and hate?  The place where they don’t look back because they really didn’t love you or cared for you and are ready to leave and not look back?  My MLC had all the opportunity to share his heart if there was something I needed to fix.  Issue here is even when he left he didn’t have a list of things he wanted me to fix.  Remember for those who have been around.  He left me because I didn’t allow him to go to medical school.  I’m guessing she must have said at some point how smart he was and why didn’t he go to medical school and he said...My wife didn’t let me and that opened the door for her to cover him in sympathy and off the affair started.  I’m not going to go into all the medical school stuff but even with that he didn’t have a plan and he just started a business and enrolled himself in a PH’D program that I also didn’t want him to do because he needed to get his business up and running.  Our friends were putting food in our Fridge we were broke.  But...he did it anyhow and he could have done the same for medical school but I believe he didn’t have the guts to go and take the test so he always blamed me.  The truth is I told him to check it out and he said...It doesn’t work that way so I think he was afraid of failing the test.  Anyhow, there was no list of things he told me.  Other girl might have heard a lot but he didn’t tell me anything. 
He has been on his now for a year and that whole indifferent thing has been over my head.  Indifferent is the place you have to worry about.  They don’t look back.
Last night our best friends daughter go married.  They’re kids are like our nephew/nieces and when he walked out on me all of them sent him texts to say how important he was in their lives and what he was doing was wrong. The youngest one was my MLC’s buddy.  She use to just come over and hang out.  She really struggled with what he did.  So, the wedding was last night live and i took a pic and sent it to him.  I didn’t say anything just sent to picture.  The picture was take from the back so it could be kind of hard to see but not really.
Sent picture
MLC - Happy New Year’s. Who is in pic?
Me - LOL. Niece and her brother as pastor
MLC - Everyone’s back is towards camera.  I thought that was her brother.  Niece got married? Emoji, Emoji, Emojo, Very happy for her.
Me - Yes she did get married tonight.
MLC - emoji tell her congrats! Wish I had been there
Me - i will

Two things here - Time has gotten away from him.  He couldn’t tell that was niece.  I find that crazy.  Second, wish I had been there?  LOL!  He wasn’t invited!  They all love him but till he gets his life together he’s not welcome right now.  I feel like he’s still clueless.  I feel like he just doesn’t see what he did with he’s life.  I guess still in denial.  Also, the chit chat stuff.  Happy New Year’s?  I know it was new year’s eve but I just sent him a pic and written anything.   Anyhow,  I’m just rattling on. Sorry!  I hate the indifference.  It makes me think he wasn’t there at all in the marriage.  I hate the thought still that maybe he never loved me and I somehow just didn’t see it.
Thanks everyone!
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#109: January 08, 2021, 09:14:07 AM
This morning I woke up with this.  Yes, it's probably been posted before but to me it's new.  A New light bulb!
Just because someone is unhappy with where they are in life, doesn't mean they want what they had! I think MLCer get caught in this such for happiness that they lose site of what they really have done and by the time they are through they are totally convinced that what they did was deserved.  Then at the end of the MLC they are still unhappy trying to find happiness and don't look back because there is so much pain there that it never gets sorted out.

I do however think my MLCer is sorry.  He tried twice to say he was sorry but I didn't respond because those sorry are still not real yet.  I got one time
Sorry

Then another time I got a Sorry for what you had to go through.

His sentence got longer but no admission to what HE put me through.  I don't know how long these last 2 steps is going to take him.  I do see some signs but then he goes back in.  He is so indifference to me that I realize that he's ok with not having me in his life.  As I said before indifference is not a good place for them to be around the end I don't believe.  However, he is to a place he wants to do what is right when pushed.  Most men would never revisit alimony once they stop and after 5 years of no alimony I am surprised he finally sent something.  I will wait to see if I have to hit him up for this month or if it will come on it's own. 

I never understood how some people could go back to being friends with their MLC but never marry.  I now even understand that a bit.  There is NO way with all the damage that he still has in his life could we remarry even if he wanted to.  He is in the same place of damage financially as he was 5 years ago.  He hasn't cleaned anything up yet. I couldn't marry back into that.  NO one should marry him with that baggage. He will live out the rest of his life either living with someone or living alone.  Either one isn't the value he had but has now come to be a part of his life.  He is making money now but he hasn't cleaned up his mess because he needs someone to help him do that.  He can't do that on his own and I'm hoping he understands at some point that, that is what made us a good time and he blew it.  Probably not but it's a hope. He is one MLCer that will never come back, well really like most of them.  There are very little success stories.  I don't think we should lose hope but I see how that holds us back.  I have moved forward but there is always a little piece that hasn't.  I am somewhere between standing and letting go.  What would that be called? LOL!  Not expecting anyone to answer that. 
Yesterday would have been our 38th anniversary.  I did ok with it!  Tells me alot about myself
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#110: January 08, 2021, 09:48:07 AM
Here's a thought. What if he WERE able to clean up his own mess like an adult. Is that something you could marry? If you were used to cleaning up his messes, and no longer had to, would that be a possibility?

Not that I necessarily think he can, but what if he really figured it all out in a year or so?
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Re: Where Do we fit? All Things New!
#111: January 08, 2021, 09:56:14 AM
"Just because someone is unhappy with where they are in life, doesn't mean they want what they had!"

I think this is such an important statement, UL!!

LBS's tend to think, at least in the early years that as soon as their MLCer comes out of their crisis, they will want to come back.  That is not what always happens.  Sometimes the crisis has changed the person and they no longer have the desire to go back to what was. 

For one thing it is very hard to go back and repair all the damage they have done, it sometimes is just easier to move on and start over.

That's why we need to live our lives and not waste years waiting for them to come back, and if by some miracle they do have the courage to try to repair things, they will let you know.
Then it is your choice if you want to try again.

I hope he continues to honor his obligation to you, UL.

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"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

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#112: January 08, 2021, 11:06:14 AM
Absolutely agree with you, UL. Such good insights. We all wake up to it on our own timelines, too, and it's incredibly freeing. So glad the anniversary went well for you. Those are big milestones of healing!
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#113: January 08, 2021, 12:57:26 PM

Just because someone is unhappy with where they are in life, doesn't mean they want what they had! I think MLCer get caught in this such for happiness that they lose site of what they really have done and by the time they are through they are totally convinced that what they did was deserved.  Then at the end of the MLC they are still unhappy trying to find happiness and don't look back because there is so much pain there that it never gets sorted out.


So important to say.  I read something similar to this about a week after BD and my brain rejected it so heavily, I had forgotten about it until now.  I simply did not want to hear it at that early stage. 

I agree with you, it is freeing.  Glad the anniversary was okay for you, and I agree with Ready, it's indicative of the huge amount of healing you've done.
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#114: January 08, 2021, 09:31:59 PM
Thanks everyone for the encouraging words.  I am moving forward, slowly, slowly, slowly LOL. But, I do sort things out and tidbits like I posted is clarification for me.  I need to see what I think so reading it also helps me.
Thunder, I should see something next week.  If I don’t then I will have to contact him.  I am giving him the benefit of the doubt hoping he does this without my intervention.  When he was paying alimony the first time he did it without my contacting him.  But, he might have been scared of the courts back then.  I don’t know.  I’m praying he does this on his own.

OffRoad
That’s a totally different picture.  I still love my MLCer, I always will but he doesn’t show any signs of putting me back into his life.  I mean, he moved back into the state he left me in, he’s about 45 minutes from me. Living in a basement where he took a job and has no TV, all alone and he doesn’t try to reach out at all.  I would say he close to being done with MLC.  I think he’s just a bit pass the depression waiting to jump into acceptance at some point.  He is pretty consistant in not texting me, calling me or reaching out in any way.

If he does get his life together he would have an open door to a new exciting love.  One who wouldn’t know much about what he did.  I would love for him to contact me so we could talk, or I could help, etc I have always been kind to him.  He 100% know I love him still.  He doesn’t care.  So, I just continue to move forward and let go. I believe God could step in but I’m not even sure that he would at this point. I do believe in miracles.  But, if he ever did come back it would be lots of counseling, lot of rehashing to close the past door.  I have so many questions that I would need to work through to move ahead in a relationship with him.  But, again I don’t see that in the future. I will say this. He’s on the MLC seven year mark.  He has followed that to a tee so 2021 should be the year he Awakens and should be in acceptance.  I guess that’s when we’ll see if anything at all changes.

Thanks everyone!

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#115: January 09, 2021, 04:25:23 AM
UL, just popping in to say I'm following and your words really resonate with me. Your last paragraph is pretty much the place I'm at, too.
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#116: January 09, 2021, 03:05:30 PM
Hi Milly, We seem to be on the same track here.  We should pace together! LOL!
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#117: January 16, 2021, 08:47:03 PM
Well...I now know what he’s indifferent.  I just found out he and affair are still together even though he moved back to the state I’m in and she is still in her home state.  So, he is still in the affair and from everything we all talked about he’s probably not going to move much farther ahead with his MLC till the affair is over.  I don’t think it’s going to be over though.  I think they will both rely on each other.  She didn’t come down with him because she’s working as a nurse at a Kidney clinic.  She is waiting on a settlement from an auto accident and her mom is in a nursing home there.  He went there for Christmas for 2 weeks.  All that information came from his cousin.
I wanted to see if he went to his home country because he cut me short money wise saying he didn’t work for 2 weeks in Dec because clinic was closed.  But he did find his way to see his affair gal.
Anyhow, just wanted to update everyone.  They have now been together for 7 years.  Everyone thought because he moved they weren’t together anymore.  Now, I know that’s not true and it does answer some questions I had in my head. 
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#118: January 18, 2021, 02:59:02 AM
UL,

I wish I could say that this is "shocking" news but ... well..... it sounds more like script to me....

He doesn't really seem very invested in actually DOING anything, one way or another... He "sees" the OW when he can/wants to so he has no responsibilities to her in reality (just wait until she gets her settlement and, although it is crass, her mom is no longer an issue) and he doesn't have any responsibilities toward you except to pay what he owes, which he doesn't reliably do either....

Sorry that you had to find out about it from the cousin but, as you noted, you had the feeling that something was rotten in Denmark...
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A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
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#119: January 19, 2021, 05:28:06 PM
Hahahah,  great way to slide that little line in.  LOVE it URSAMajor. I think everyone around me thought if he was back in Georgia it was over.  Mind you he has been here over a year now and never even hinted to her being in his life.  However, again we don’t talk about that. 

Yeah, I was trying to find out if he went somewhere and spent money rather than sending more to me.  It just took a different turn for sure.  I know he feels like he doesn’t have any responsibilities towards me but then again.  There might be some guilt there because most men wouldn’t pay anything after getting away with not paying for 5 years.  But....I certainly am not going to be first in his line up for money.  It will be interesting to see if she really doesn’t end up in my state or not.  This could be their final bridge to falling apart if this takes a few years to happen. I am glad I have this information though. 
Thanks for responding URSAMajor!
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#120: January 25, 2021, 08:35:36 PM
I saw your post and think it's sad when we see our MLCers not showing any of the documented stage signs of them coming out of their crisis and with no clear way home for them.  I wonder if we should send them the list so they can have us put in the 'loony bin', as they would probably prefer ;D  What a much greater excuse for having to leave than an x wife in the mental health facility!

I am now in my 8th year after BD and see NO progress and have no contact (because of xH not wanting to talk about ANYTHING) - guilt??? ;) ;)

I like that now I can observe rather than obsess about what xH is doing, much healthier place to be.  Goodness, I do remember those bad old days of panic though - never leaves, does it?
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#121: January 27, 2021, 06:01:58 PM
Savoir,
If I knew way back then the journey I would be on I would have never made it.  If I had a total understanding at the time of what it would have taken for me to not survive, to be possibly be home, to be on my own with no work experience other than our own business.  Well...the anxiety would have gotten the best of me.  When MLC told me he last the business I knew what that would mean for me but even then I didn’t panic.  Those days are kind of hazy for me.  There is a lot in the early day’s I don’t remember how I did it but I did.  I mean I know it was God but it’s blurry.  Where I was then and where I am now is so different but what isn’t different is the pain is still there. I have to be honest.  The being alone is so deep.  I miss my life still.  There isn’t much for me in singleness but I still keep moving forward. It’s weird not being in any real world.  I’m not in the married world, not in a dating world, or even a single world.  I’m in between everything. LOL!

Haha, I would love to send him a list and say it’s time for you to be on Step 6 read about it. LOL!  We will be stuck as long as he’s in the affair.  That could be the rest of his life.  We will not move forward while being with here.  I think because he is in one state and she in another he has moved a little but now that has stopped and will stop.  He’s close to the end but he will not be able to go any farther while with her. I’m pretty sure unless she fines someone else they will use each other and stay together. I wouldn’t be surprised they could even get married.  Distance could change everything we will see I guess.
Thanks for always reading Savoir.  Sorry you are 8 years into this and no process, no contact.  But glad you have peace.
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#122: April 04, 2021, 06:54:58 PM
Well, folks I’m hear with a whole new story! A story that has nothing to do with my MLCer.   I’m in a place of confusion as I have someone pursuing me. LOL! I just never seen this and I don’t want to hurt and anyone.  I don’t know that I could even more forward with anyone so I’m taking it one day at a time.

I got connected with someone who I knew when I was 12.  We were sweethearts for a time. He makes me laugh and he makes me forgot.  But, I’m in one state and his in my home state.  I have kept him for now in the friends zone or tried but he is trying hard to move the gage to a relationship.  He was been divorced and his second wife died of cancer.  He knows I have cancer and that doesn’t seem to bother him at all.  We haven’t met up and I just can’t give my heart like that yet.   Then tonight his daughter contact me to make an art piece for her dad and then said how happy she is to see her dad so happy.  I just don’t want to let anyone down here.  I still have my own head issues with what my ex did.  I don’t know if I can truly love someone else the way I loved my MLCer.
Anyone here in a New Relationship?  I can tell you this it’s been 5 weeks since I have had an communication with my ex and new friend is keeping my brain off my ex as well.  I just didn’t see this as something I would ever have and I cant make any promises to anyone.  The new friend does know I’m a bit skittish and he’s trying to keep it slow but I wish he wasn’t talking to his family about me.  It’s putting too much pressure on me and it’s not even really a relationship, just a friendship right now.
Thanks for letting me go on about nothing. LOL!
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#123: April 04, 2021, 11:19:37 PM
Hi UL. I don't have any advice for you but for me it's been almost 7 years now since BD and I know what you're talking about.

I should probably make it clear that my wife is still living with the om, I haven't seen any movement on her part, and I no longer see any possibility of a reconciliation. I'm not waiting for her to return.

I reconnected recently with a woman I knew back when I was 16 or 17. We worked together in my parent's restaurant for a year or two. We weren't sweethearts, just good friends. She's a couple years older than me and she was already married back when I knew her. Over the years we seem to have been on parallel paths, working at the same places a couple of times, and we know a lot of the same people, which is nice.

Her husband died about 6 months ago after an 18 month bout with lung cancer. We've gotten together twice to catch up and we've been messaging a lot. We get along great. She said that I made her laugh for the first time since her husband died. I feel very comfortable when I'm with her but I don't feel anything like what I felt when I met my former wife. I believe the same is true for her with respect to her former husband but I think that she's ready to move forward with some kind of relationship.

I don't know. It's been almost 7 years since BD. Seems like that should be enough time. And maybe at my age (62) things are different and I should be happy to find somebody whose company I enjoy and who enjoys my company. Maybe it works differently than it does when you're a teenager. But I don't know iaf that's enough and I don't know if I'll ever be capable of more and I don't want to hurt her. Maybe my head is still screwed up. too, but my therapist says that we're making great progress.  :D :P :P

I'm looking forward to learning what you figure out.
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#124: April 06, 2021, 04:52:07 PM
First Brain, good to see you still here (in a good way LOL) and second good to read the pain isn’t what it was for you for so long.  I’m so glad you have a friend or even open to that.  Even if it’s not the same feeling.  So...with that if is some advice people including my brother keeps telling me.

Do shut something down because of feelings because every step forward will get your feelings going.  Even if it’s not with that person because if you don’t step forward your feeling will lay dormant. Because I struggled moving or even opening that door at all.  My MLC journey started May of 2014.  I’m coming up on my 7 year as well 6 for the divorce in Oct.  The pain for me was awful for so long.  I still don’t get it honestly but I have moved forward.  My ex is still with the OW but She’s in one state and he is back in the state he left me in.  How that is working for them I don’t know.  They have a weird, weird thing going on.  He will be forever in that relationship because it’s all he has and he refuses to see the craziness in it.  He isn’t one to just say man I screwed up.  He will live with his choice and probably getting a break since he is down here and she is up there. 

So...I’m trying to stick it out with this new friendship and allow it to possibly grow but the bottom line is I don’t see myself giving myself fully to this person.  He could be the person that opened the door or the window.  I don’t know.   
From everyone I’ve talk to they say what we look for in a person is different.  It’s not that first love.  It’s more like best friends, laughter, interest and it’s not that young love feeling.  It’s more like a peaceful, loving friendship.  Safe possibly and caring, supportive relationship between to people.  I don’t know.  It’s so hard for me to still trust.  He flirts, I think yeah that will be for the next few months then what?  My friends say I’m trying to see to far forward and just need to take it one day at a time and not put that much thought into the future. So, right now I am.  We chat, we also have only talked on the phone twice.  He is however coming to my state for a visit because he has a daughter here so we is wanting to meet up. We will see if I have the nerve to do that. LOL!  We will see.

Brain, I am really glad to see we are kind of on the same journey at the same time.  Funny how timelines are.
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Where Do we fit? All Things New!
#125: April 08, 2021, 07:19:17 AM
Hello,

From someone that is almost eleven years past bomb drop (April, 2010), I can assure you that the pain does lessen. I have been fortunate to have been in a relationship one year after the divorce. We dated for four years and got married. We are now going on three years of marriage.

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So...I’m trying to stick it out with this new friendship and allow it to possibly grow but the bottom line is I don’t see myself giving myself fully to this person.  He could be the person that opened the door or the window.  I don’t know.   

In the initial stages, you should always be guarded. In fact, I read on a post that if the person is perfect in every way, that is a person you should run from. My advice is to allow the friendship to blossom, you don't have to be in a rush.

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From everyone I’ve talk to they say what we look for in a person is different.  It’s not that first love.  It’s more like best friends, laughter, interest and it’s not that young love feeling.  It’s more like a peaceful, loving friendship.  Safe possibly and caring, supportive relationship between to people.  I don’t know.  It’s so hard for me to still trust.

I would agree with this statement. I love my second wife and we spend every weekend together and we really enjoy each other's company. We are both getting older and at the very beginning we decided on not having any more children. We wanted a relationship that was focused on us first as our children are all young adults and all but one is finished with school. It is not kids don't come first, but we let each other deal with our own kids and more act as mentors toward all the children at this point. It really changes the dynamics of our relationship and it does focus on friendship and mutual support.

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My friends say I’m trying to see to far forward and just need to take it one day at a time and not put that much thought into the future. So, right now I am.

I agree that you should focus less on an outcome and let things roll. Just like dealing with an MLCer, we can detach and not be stuck on a certain outcome. After you survive Bomb drop and realize you can live with or without your spouse and survive, you know that can live through almost anything. So you already know regardless of the outcome of this relationship, in the end, you will be fine.

Of course, this attitude does create a double edged sword. Because you know you can live without the new partner, you are faster to pull the trigger and end the relationship. I think that is one of the contributing reasons why second marriages have a higher divorce rate than first marriage.

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We chat, we also have only talked on the phone twice.  He is however coming to my state for a visit because he has a daughter here so we is wanting to meet up. We will see if I have the nerve to do that. LOL!  We will see.

For me, when I was online dating, once we made a connection, I tried to meet the person at a coffee shop, lunch or dinner as soon as possible. Emails and chatting online is good to start. However, in my case, I found myself creating an image of this new person in my head. I would then make attributes and create an image that was not fostered in reality. If I waited too long and meet the person in real life, I found myself comparing them to the person I had created in my own head which often led to disappointment. Also, when you meet the person in real life, you will feel a true connection, or there will be nothing and you thank them for their time and move on.

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Maybe my head is still screwed up. too, but my therapist says that we're making great progress.  :D :P :P

Same feeling here. It seems that as soon as I clear up one aspect of my life, something new comes to challenge me. However, I am still making progress as well and still see ways to improve and be a better husband, father, and man.

((((Ready))))



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Re: Where Do we fit? All Things New!
#126: April 08, 2021, 07:23:58 AM
Every single thing Ready just said, UL.

I can't even add to it.   :)
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Where Do we fit? All Things New!
#127: April 08, 2021, 06:21:07 PM
WOW Ready!
Thank you so much!  I am so glad that I decided to post this new step possibility.  So much insight.  What I’m taking from all of this is...move forward but move slowly which I am happy to do. I also agree that chatting can lead to recreating an image you have in your head.  That’s a bit scared too.  LOL

I am guarded and an not looking for perfect in anyway.  I feel like I am seeing clearly and  I don’t have great expectations. In fact, I am watching him closely in how he is handling this friendship.  He is also doing the same thing.  He knows because I have been up front that I can’t offer him anything other than friendship at this time and his trying really hard to stay there because I believe he knows if he doesn’t I will run. LOL!  So, there is no hurry on my side. 

My pain has lessened but I still don’t know if I can get it to go away.  I don’t want to bring that into another relationship.  But I know this new friendship has somewhat removed my MLC from my brain and I am glad for that.
Thank you Reach for sharing your life with your second wife.  I needed to read that.  I needed to have some Hope. 

Hey Thunder, thanks for reading!
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Where Do we fit? All Things New!
#128: July 05, 2021, 03:14:01 PM
Hey everyone!
Happy Belated 4th. 
So, just doing a update to myself. LOL!  And maybe some insight from a few men.  I should have come here earlier.  But first… I have one more payment on my car.  I can’t believe I made it though that and was able to raise my credit score that my husband brought down from crap he did.  But that’s all in the past.  I got past it all.  I have been in need of a new computer and this week I finally felt that I was out of all the mess and financially sound even to order one.  My ex has been paying me each month so I haven’t had to have any contact with him and July marks 5 months of silence from me. So, moving forward with that as well.

Now for the friend from the past.  We are kind of still talking but not as much.  The 5 months of him being flirty, telling me how amazing I am, how I look the same, how I need to move to my home town, etc etc has slowed down.  He doesn’t contact me as often as he once did but even then often was once a week.  So for a guy that was so into me even at the peak of communication she didn’t seek me out that much and usually late at night.  With all the sweet talk it was weird because I felt like that’s all that was.  I felt like he didn’t really put a lot of time into figuring out anything.  And for me all those words didn’t mean anything.  I didn’t buy into them and was waiting for them to slow down to see what he was really like once that was over and well…after that quit, I don’t hear from him as much.  It’s a bit sad because I feel like I don’t or won’t trues anyone.  He just had a bunch of words in my eyes he didn’t mean and so I feel all men are going to be like that.  I just wish he wouldn’t have said anything but I’m glad I blew them all off.   It was fun talking to someone though and I do miss that.  I don’t feel like we were a match but I still liked talking to him as a friend.  I think we all need that opposite sex to talk to.

I’m doing well!  My small business is doing well, I feel fine but the meds are putting weight on me.  Good Grief the weight. LOL!  Ok, I’m rambling!  Thanks for allowing me to.
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Where Do we fit? All Things New!
#129: July 06, 2021, 02:56:12 AM
Hi UL,

Sounds like you are getting on well with your life....

As far as the ghost from Christmas Past, from a guy perspective, it sounds as if he was a bit .... "overenthusiastic" at the beginning and maybe a bit overeager? Once reality hit and he realized that you were not just going to drop everything and fall into his arms, he cooled his jets... or maybe his W caught him? Who knows.... People can talk a lot of smack on a PC to someone far away ....

Bottom line is you put a check mark by that name and can go on. If there is one thing I have learned is that, no matter what the age, one STILL has to kiss a few frogs in the dating pool before one turns into the Prince/Princess....
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Where Do we fit? All Things New!
#130: July 09, 2021, 10:22:28 PM
Thank URSAMajor,
You are probably right.  I do know he’s not married.  His wife passed away 3 years or so from cancer.  I do think that he has, had a few other people (women) he could be talking to and that’s ok.  I’m not getting carried away by anyone and he’s free to do whatever it is he wants to do.  Words don’t mean much to me these days.  Action does.  So, you can WHOA me all you want but I’m a smart cookie. LOL!  I’m probably getting boring to him but honestly, isn’t that the time you see the real person? LOL!  I’m ok being single and I don’t need to attach myself. 
Thanks for you insight!
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Where Do we fit? All Things New!
#131: July 20, 2021, 08:43:06 AM
It sounds like your doing well which really is the main thing. I think some men will always be that type of man. But it’s very possible he’s trying to fill his wife’s spot. Loneliness is sad for everyone. No matter who you are
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Where Do we fit? All Things New!
#132: July 24, 2021, 08:21:39 PM
So true Sachat3,
Thanks, I am doing well!  Hope you are too!
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