[Finding Joy]

https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=11762.0
Hey there. 
Something has been on my mind a lot lately.  My oldest daughter is now 18.  I do realize I cannot place her actions at my h’s feet.  That said many of his choices caused raising her for several years to be on me.  She and all of my children struggled with having basically lost their father, or at least the father they knew during that period.

He went from a loving caring man to a selfish absent father.  When he came back he was still broken and had to slowly mend his relationships.  In many ways he has now done that, but the first year at least of him being home she would not allow him to parent her.  She went through a period where She sort of rebelled.  Not over the top, but it was there.  She lied and did what she wanted regardless of rules.

She ended up pregnant.  She is due in the next couple of weeks and the father is present thankfully.  We are hopeful that she finishes up her last semester of her associates first.  It will be close.

I’m not bitter towards my h.  I just can’t help but make the connection that his choices during his MLC do have long term and long lasting effects.  Even though he is currently being an amazing husband and father. 

I know I still have wounds from events that were a domino effect of his choices during that time and choices I made due to him leaving.  I guess I’m saying, even though we are reconciled and continue to grow and work on our relationship.  The choices made and the consequences are sometimes tough to live with. 

The other side of that is that we found a house in TX.  We move finally in 1 month.  We get to settle down and start fresh after moving around in the military.  I love the area and am thrilled to sort of put this chapter mostly behind us.  I could not be more thankful overall.

The house is outdated so we will spend our summer working on it.  It has a pool and a basketball court in the backyard which is fun.  I’m hopeful it brings us all closer together.

[MadLuv]

The lingering affects on the children is hard and they seem to come in ways tou dont expect. So glad the father is in the picture and your H is also back and a support for you and the your daughter. Welcome to Texas!! Enjoy your nee home! Texas is great

[Finding Joy]

Madluv- Thank you!  I am a native born West Texas gal:). We also lived in Boerne for 4 years and much of my family is in central TX.  So finally coming home!  We cannot wait to get some good Mexican food and HEB.

[UrsaMajor]

Following on FJ.

As for D18, kids rebel - the question is how hard and how much. Looks like in this case it was a little too hard... All you (and H) can do now is be there for her to give her the emotional and moral support she will need....

[Treasur]

Congratulations on your move back to Texas, FJ
And congratulations too on the arrival of the new member of your clan, even if the circumstances are not what you would have chosen for your girl.  Will she be going with you to Texas too?
I guess one of the gifts of MLC....amongst all the rubble...is that it gives us some useful life skills and perspective on ways to deal with unexpected life plot twists beyond our control, doesn’t it?

[Finding Joy]

Ursa-Too true!  We are doing our best to support them.

Treasur-Yes, she and her fiancé are coming with us and will get married after baby comes.  I tried to talk them into waiting to get married a couple of years and living separately, but they want to get married. They will probably live with us for a few months and then get their own place.  He is transferring his job there and then intending to start his own business.  He is a carpenter.  I am thankful that they are not staying here a 12 hour car ride away.  Ha!  I am excited about the baby(boy) even if I am concerned for the domino effects for my d. 

[Nas]

I imagine that is one of the hardest parts of rebuilding is moving forward with vulnerable openness and trust in a new and different future, even as the residual consequences of the past are sometimes still falling around you.

I used to talk a lot with my therapist about how my dire circumstances would have always been difficult, but are in fact dire instead of simply difficult because of the choices made by my former H. Life happens, difficulties happen, and where you are in your life when they happen does play a role in how they get handled. I try not to think about what could have/might have/would have been if only, because the past is written in stone and looking backwards and wishing something had been a different way makes me feel a kind of “bad” for which there’s no remedy. All any of us can do is start from where we are now and assess how to move forward if it’s worth it. Sounds like for you, it sure is.

[readytofixmyselffirst]

Hello,

Congratulations on Texas. My wife and I have talked about retiring in Frisco. She really liked the city. I can live anywhere as long as the word retired is attached to the place LOL.

Congratulations on becoming a grandmother. I have a baby nephew and we all cherish him.

I just can’t help but make the connection that his choices during his MLC do have long term and long lasting effects.  Even though he is currently being an amazing husband and father.

Sometimes there are connections and sometimes there are not. My mentor's daughter had a baby when she was a freshman in college. Hid the pregnancy from them until almost delivery date. The family was very intact and supportive. Things happen. Just pray for a healthy baby and a happy home for the baby to feel safe and secure. By the way, the My friend's daughter finished her degree, married a different guy and is doing well. 

I only wish you the very best and it is always good to hear from you.

Have an awesome weekend,

((((Ready))))

[FrenchHusband]

Hello Finding Joy,

thank you very much for your testimonial, your whole story is very inspiring for me, especially these words that I will keep in mind and in heart during my journey.

I have watched us sort of go up a ladder. Hate, indifference, tolerance,  coworkers, coparents, acquaintances, sort of neighborly, friends, affectionate friends, and I would say now dating(yet fully committed).

I recognize to have been through the following ones in the 8 previous months :
Hate, indifference, tolerance, sharing house, coparents. I am now moving slightly to "Acquaintances"

I wish I could continue to climb the ladder up to the top (loved husband) : I see there are a lot of steps waiting for me. I recognize also that I found joy each time my wife made a step forward. I am very grateful to you for describing the way so clearly !

I wish to you and your husband the best !

[Finding Joy]

Thank you all, hope and pray you are well.

We are doing so well here.  It has been more than two years since my husband moved back in.  Just recently I have truly begun to fully let him in.  As in my walls are coming down and I am fully in love with him again.  He is an amazing man and husband at this point and I am thankful things worked out the way they did(not thankful for MLC😂).

That said it really was such a long process.  It has been almost 5 years since bd.  Being that I was basically in love with someone else when my h came back, it took a long time for me to feel anything for my h.  I chose the marriage and family hoping feelings would come in time.  Mostly because we did have such a long healthy marriage before hand and he was truly repentant.  For me it felt like starting fresh with someone or working it out with him were equally hard tasks with 4 kids at home.

I couldn’t be more thrilled that the last of my walls started coming down and that I trust and fully love my h again.  I wasn’t sure of the outcome when I took the leap to try.

The process was hard on us both to reconcile.  Thankfully he came back knowing it would be a long hard process.  I also assumed years before I would love him fully.  In that way we were both right.  Much like an onion one layer at a time.

Healing came within a year for my three youngest.  Honestly though my oldest daughter has abandonment issues and trauma.  She avoids the same way her father used to and I can only pray and be there. 

The person I had fallen in love with just got engaged and it is going to make for some awkward family events.  Our families are very close and do all holidays together.  I chose not to tell my h of my feelings because he left me and what I did during that time was my business.  That said, I of course keep my distance.  I would hate for my husband to not want to go to my family events due to this.    If it were anyone else I would have told him.  I am unwilling to lose out on seeing my family due to the consequences of him leaving.  Had he not left I would have never fallen for this guy and consequently had my heart broken again.  I am the one who walked away, but it broke me.

I guess consequences happen and life did not stop while he lost it.  I could not be more thankful though for the man he is today and the lessons learned by both of us. 

I do want to renew our vows at some point.  We have been married 23 1/2 years, so I kind of want to wait for year 25.  I knew for sure I did not want to renew vows until I loved him fully, so it’s fun to think about now that, that has finally happened.

Also now that we are settled and he is on his last military tour I am so thankful to be near family in TX.  No more uprooting and moving around.  We love our home and community.  We have been here 3 months so still working on community.

[xyzcf]

So great to hear about your journey. You have been patient, knowing that this was not going to be a quick fix. What struck me is that he came back "repentant" ...

I chose the marriage and family hoping feelings would come in time.  Mostly because we did have such a long healthy marriage before hand and he was truly repentant.

From other couples I know who have reconciled, I know that they too found it took time, but that feelings of love did return. They also tell me that down the road, those days are in the past which I think is healthy if you are going to build a new marriage.

So congratulations and thank you for coming back to share your journey.

There is no way to predict which MLCers return, and the length of time means that many people move on to other relationships...what we have always said is that the LBSer gets to choose...you had a difficult choice since you were in love with another man, without all the baggage of the pain and hurt so that would be difficult.

Glad you are back home in Texas. Please continue to update us when you can. Many people on HS can bebefit from hearing about the possibility of reconciliation as well as the struggle that it involves.

[Finding Joy]

Thank you XYZ.  Now that I love my husband fully I am thankful I chose this hard.  I do believe blending families with exes and step children is its own hard.  For me I would have had 7 kids if I had proceeded with that situation…6 living at home.  I really did see either task as equally as hard.  The difference is as you say, I loved the other guy and did not love my husband. 

In my situation I truly felt the Lord guide me to work it out with him.  That went against my heart completely, so it was not an easy decision.  It was my fault though because I should not have been talking to anyone since I committed not to for 3 years.  I thought since we were in different states and only talked on the phone, and we were never alone it was ok.  Ha, apparently talking 24/7 for a couple of years builds attachment.  😂. I hurt myself and the other guy due to my loneliness.

God is merciful and gracious though and He redeems.

[xyzcf]

I appreciate Finding Joy your response so very much.  and your witness.

I found that with much difficulty, I let go of "my plans"..."For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future"...I know that God loves me and he loves my husband very much..it is hard to trust His timing, but that is what I always come back to...Trust God.

As a side story, I do know a man whose wife had a MLC..they had 5 children..after many years he married a widow with 12 children...so they have 17 between them (hers are adults though)..made me smile when you mentioned the number of children you would have had between you.

The loneliness is really really hard...we were meant to be in relationship, I understand that.

Take care and enjoy life and all God's blessings!

[WHY]

There is no way to predict which MLCers return, and the length of time means that many people move on to other relationships...what we have always said is that the LBSer gets to choose...you had a difficult choice since you were in love with another man, without all the baggage of the pain and hurt so that would be difficult.

So this is a real question.  To RCR and the vets here….

We keep taking about the odds not being in favor of any of these MLC marriages surviving.  Too many variables.  I get it.

HOWEVER, the notion that the MLCer eventually does want to reconcile.  That % and statistic would be more meaningful to me and other LBS. 

I mean. If 10% of marriages end up in reconciliation, so be it.  But if 90% of MLCers would want to reconcile after whatever number of years.  That would be a meaningful piece of information for LBS understanding of this damn thing.

I know some MLCers never return and fantasy land works out.  BUT, what % or MLCers at the end of it all want to reconcile even if they cant. 

Please, this is a real question.  Any info is appreciated.   

[Finding Joy]

Thank you XYZ:)

WHY, I don’t have stats.  I know that many look back, but most of the time by the time they do the Left behind spouse isn’t having it.  It’s such a long harmful journey.

My husbands mom had an MLC and tried to come back after two years.  She cheated etc.  He said no thank you.

The guy who I spoke of that I was very close to and he is now engaged.  His ex does not know he is engaged, but knows he is dating and opening a couple of franchises.  She is suddenly circling around after treating him horribly for three years and divorcing him(MLC).  He has moved on obviously.

Most people just want nothing to do with someone who would put them through this.  Even myself.  By the time he started coming around I was completely over him.  No feelings at all.  In fact worse, he had treated me horribly and put me through hell.  My situation was unique in that we are military.  At the time I did not know where he would be stationed.  I knew I was moving to TX.  My son was leaning towards living with my MLCer.  I would have had my other kids.  So my son would have a mom in a different state or city and my other kids would have a dad in a different state or city.  This coupled with my conviction to try and work it out is the only reason I tried.  I absolutely did not want to.  It went against everything in me at the time and this was two years after BD he started trying to come back.  I wanted nothing to do with him.  But, I didn’t want my kids growing up without a mother or father and I felt God leading me.  I fought it.

At a certain point people get tired of being treated like nothing and start to value themselves enough.  This is often when they come back and I think so many times it’s just too late.

[FrenchHusband]

So this is a real question.  To RCR and the vets here….

We keep taking about the odds not being in favor of any of these MLC marriages surviving.  Too many variables.  I get it.

HOWEVER, the notion that the MLCer eventually does want to reconcile.  That % and statistic would be more meaningful to me and other LBS. 

I mean. If 10% of marriages end up in reconciliation, so be it.  But if 90% of MLCers would want to reconcile after whatever number of years.  That would be a meaningful piece of information for LBS understanding of this damn thing.

I know some MLCers never return and fantasy land works out.  BUT, what % or MLCers at the end of it all want to reconcile even if they cant. 

Please, this is a real question.  Any info is appreciated.

Hi Why, your question is very good, for me the answer has 3 dimensions.
Even if we had statistics I am not sure that would change things. By example if we knew for sure that 90% of MLCers will want to reconcile, what would change ? We would have expectations that every single MLCer would do it, no ? And having expectations we might change the outcome... For daily peace of mind, I prefer to keep NE.

Then there is the time : timeframe is an unknown. Let's imagine we have statistics like :
MLCers wanting to reconcile within 1 year -> 5 %
MLCers wanting to reconcile 1 year - 2 years -> 10%
MLCers wanting to reconcile 2 year - 5 years -> 40%
MLCers wanting to reconcile 5 year - 10 years -> 25%
MLCers wanting to reconcile 10 years + -> 10%

What would that change for each individual case ? The odds look positive, but who is willing to wait 1 year, 10 years or 20 years ? Many people would say "I don't want to loose this time", no ?

Then there is the damage : what amount of damage and pain are we able to suffer, on our weelbeing, on our children, on our finances ? And this last question needs to be balanced imo with the amount of damage that will have "non standing" (on children, on finances, etc.)

Each crisis is different in duration and intensity, Standing is an individual choice, I would add that it is a daily choice. Some LBS set up boundaries like time limit, PA limit, or divorce limit, and it is fine. Some other LBS don't set up boundaries in advance, but when they feel they are they move on, and it is fine.
The first purpose of Standing, imo, is for the benefit of the Stander : healing, detaching, GAL, protecting finances are healthy advises. Paving the path for reconciliation is secondary.

I chose to stand but it is not an eternal choice. I might re evaluate my postion if the situation changes. Currently I have no time limit and I don't anticipate my eventual responses to eventual evolutions. Currently for me, the benefits of standing exceed from far the disadvantages, so it is good for me.

Then there is an additional point. "Wanting to reconcile" is one thing, "having done the work of healing" another one. If my W says to me tomorrow that the wants to reconcile, but she does not want to work on herself and heal her FOO wounds, I don't think I would agree. Currently I am on my journey and my wife is on hers, I am working on myself because I have chosen to do it and because it makes me happy and it improves my relationships with the others, including my own family.
"Wanting to reconcile", imo, is more a matter of consistent actions in time than a matter of words. Actions are more meaningful than words.

[KayDee]

Then there is an additional point. "Wanting to reconcile" is one thing, "having done the work of healing" another one. If my W says to me tomorrow that the wants to reconcile, but she does not want to work on herself and heal her FOO wounds, I don't think I would agree. Currently I am on my journey and my wife is on hers, I am working on myself because I have chosen to do it and because it makes me happy and it improves my relationships with the others, including my own family.
"Wanting to reconcile", imo, is more a matter of consistent actions in time than a matter of words. Actions are more meaningful than words.

I believe my H had a stab at this when we last met. I think he was hoping I was going to 'save' him. But I told him that if he wanted to start mending things he would need to be the initiator. I suspect that this was not the response he wanted - it was all too hard for him. So you are right, and I think this is often repeated, that until they deal with their issues, it's probably pointless to work on the M. And we must heal too. Our healing may mean that we don't want someone in our life that has caused us the most damage.

What my H has now done is gone to another 'rescuer' while decisively smashing up the entire groundworks of our old R - burning his bridges with my family and friends in such an appalling way. Metaphorically, it feels like when you throw something that you could mend into the trash. Your intentions were to fix it, but you can't face the time and effort it would take, and it's been hanging around the house for a while, reminding you that you still haven't fixed it, and all you want to do is watch something light and frothy on Netflix. So you bin it in a rash of defiance and once the trash is collected there's no going back. It's gone.

My point is in step with you FH and I add to it that the community around us also plays a role. Often the foundations are no longer there at all.

[Finding Joy]

Most of the time they destroy the very foundation and it truly is from the ground up if you want to rebuild.  Much harder than a new relationship.  Imagine starting from a giant whole versus ground level.  It takes commitment on both sides, consistent actions, and it’s painful.  It really only works if both sides did enough work because the process itself hurts.

[WHY]

Most of the time they destroy the very foundation and it truly is from the ground up if you want to rebuild.  Much harder than a new relationship.  Imagine starting from a giant whole versus ground level.  It takes commitment on both sides, consistent actions, and it’s painful.  It really only works if both sides did enough work because the process itself hurts.

I really like this analogy. 

FH - as for why data like this would matter.  If 90% of MLCers want to return at the end of it.  But only 10% of marriages make it because of the LBS.  Then the best shot at closing the gap between 10% to 90% is to LIMIT THE DAMAGE to the LBS.

People would have their own ideas on how to do this.  For me, it would be to D right out the gates, and each person be on their own way as soon as possible, probably going no contact for a while.  That way the LBS would be protected (well as protected can be in this type of traumatic situation).  And it may actually allow the MLCer to not stall in the tunnel.  Have at it!  Dig faster to rock bottom etc.

Which in turn would make holding on to your MLCer and the marriage the exact opposite of what would be required to save the marriage (if we knew the stats).  It would be the exact opposite of whats preached here (drop the rope is the same sure, but I'm talking about LBS filing for D).  You can still stand while D, but the goal is to limit LBS damage.  And clearly with so few marriages surviving, LBS damage is the bigger problem.

Again RCR, Ursa, any of the vets here.  No hard data required.  But any type of guestimate would be helpful. 

As for real life data points.  I know a male MLCer, tried to come home after 10 years, no dice.  Female MLCer, came home after 3 years, remarried, happy.  Male MLCer, went through two rounds of it, wrecked his life, has regrets, but no remorse.  Not sure if he tried to go back after MLC#2, I will ask.

MLC destroys so many lives.  The children are who I worry about the most.

[Finding Joy]

WHY-The best way forward truly is to get on with life as if they are not coming back.  Do the work.  Heal.  You can of course decide to Stand, but it is important that you understand there are no guarantees.  I seriously doubt it is a 90 percent return level. 

The very thing we are told to do here is detach.  You have to detach to survive, but that detachment is the very reason in the end that if given the chance to reconcile, you may say no.  The feelings fade, the love fades and then your left with who the person actually is and the damage caused.

The person that comes back is usually still broken and it’s not attractive.  It’s all about your personal convictions and deciding if climbing this mountain of reconciliation is worth it.  It is vital though that you move forward and try to completely let go of what you had.  That is dead.  Anything new is from the ashes.

[WHY]

The person that comes back is usually still broken and it’s not attractive.  It’s all about your personal convictions and deciding if climbing this mountain of reconciliation is worth it.  It is vital though that you move forward and try to completely let go of what you had.  That is dead.  Anything new is from the ashes.

So much wisdom being spoken here today.  This is so true.

At the end of the day, there are children involved, and vows are one thing.  But I feel that when you bring kids into this world, you make them a promise, that you will do everything you can to raise them right and protect them.  Period. 

I feel like we have no choice, we have to try climb that mountain.  Im just not sure any of it is worth it, especially if the hole is too deep to start building from (i.e. the LBS damage). 

[Finding Joy]

Why, I completely understand your thoughts on children and doing everything you can.  If I did not have children, even with God convicting me, I would not have thought the mountain was worth it.

It was important to me to stop a cycle for my children.  My husbands mom also had an MLC and abandoned.  She tried to return after two years, but Dad had moved on.  My husband repeated this for lots of reasons, but ultimately because he had not dealt with his mom’s abandonment.

I did not want that for my children and it really was a driving force for me to try and reconcile.  My children will hopefully not repeat the pattern….

[WHY]

Why, I completely understand your thoughts on children and doing everything you can.  If I did not have children, even with God convicting me, I would not have thought the mountain was worth it.

It was important to me to stop a cycle for my children.  My husbands mom also had an MLC and abandoned.  She tried to return after two years, but Dad had moved on.  My husband repeated this for lots of reasons, but ultimately because he had not dealt with his mom’s abandonment.

I did not want that for my children and it really was a driving force for me to try and reconcile.  My children will hopefully not repeat the pattern….

This really triggers me.  Im trying to do the same thing.  W's Dad had a MLC and abandoned her mom.  He's the MLCer I know that tried to come back after 10 years but her mom said no.

For the daughters its with their fathers.  For the sons its with their moms. 

[Finding Joy]

 

[HeavenlyFocus]

Hi FJ,

Glad you were able to reconcile with your H and provide a healthy view on M and relationships for your children.  I worry about my own kids but all I can do is control my own relationship with them.

Glad you are near family in Texas and hope you continue to enjoy your life in the coming years.

HF

[UrsaMajor]

Again RCR, Ursa, any of the vets here.  No hard data required.  But any type of guestimate would be helpful.

Any kind of guesstimate would be "fake news" because there simply is no evidence of any sort to base any sort of estimate on and each Mid-Lifer/LBS combination is different....

MLCxW2's F (my xFIL) was off in the tunnel after he divorced MLCxW2's mom and never came out. Serial affairs, marriages, divorces, relationships, etc, in an ever-quickening cycle until he died of heart failure. at a relatively young age (mid-70's). I don't know if he tried to come back but his R with his 3 kids was wrecked because of the damage he did.....

UM

[MadLuv]

I agree that there is just everyone’s stories, but each is unique. My mother had a mlc and left and tried to come back 10 years later. Wrote my Dad a letter and he threw it away. When he died she said he was the love of her life???

My XH grandfather walked out on his wife of decades. Married OW. When she died he immediately married someone decades younger and  he died and she after only a year of marriage got everything he had. I know when I married my XH I told him how cruel I thought his grandfather had been to him grandmother and that PLEASE dont ever cheat on me. Just ask to leave. He did exactly and worse to me than his grandfather.

I do feel that it is impossible to get into someone’s head and know exactly why they think the way they do and what drives that and that is why each story is unpredictable on how it will evolve.

[Treasur]

Again RCR, Ursa, any of the vets here.  No hard data required.  But any type of guestimate would be helpful.

Any kind of guesstimate would be "fake news" because there simply is no evidence of any sort to base any sort of estimate on and each Mid-Lifer/LBS combination is different....

I agree on the limited value of guesstimates, Why.
If I was pushed, I’d say something less than 5% of marriages reconcile for a variety of reasons. But it’s a guess based on a good dollop of cognitive bias and a limited skewed data set 

What I do notice in myself nowadays is what surprises me and what doesn’t…..
Ongoing chaos and drama post BD and even post divorce does not surprise me. Weird entitlement or years of LBS blaming long past the point where someone has apparently got the ‘new happy’ does not surprise me. Bizarrely Olympian levels of denying the blindingly obvious or trying to avoid the entirely predictable and reasonable effects of taking a metaphorical sledge hammer to your spouse and family does not surprise me. And a deep pit of self pity that paints one as a sadz victim rather than an initiator of something that came with some unpleasant effects does not surprise me.

I have no idea how one has any kind of sensible sane happy relationship with people caught in that kind of lens…..

I am surprised by MLCers showing real compassion for those they hurt. Or being reliable and trustworthy and consistent in doing what they say they will do, even in small things. Or holding themselves accountable, without wiggle room or blaming others, for the fact that they made the choices they did and created the path that ensued. Or signs of a person at peace or with the kind of grace or humility that leads one to tread gently in the world and respect that it isn’t always all about you…..

One doesn’t see much of that with MLC ex/spouses anecdotally here even years on.  Which imho means that most continue to be poor quality partnership material. At best. 

[Finding Joy]

Treasure, I really don’t know how to quote you correctly on this:)

The last couple of paragraphs you wrote about the post MLCer not likely to be a good partner.  I completely agree with that for most MLCers.  They were avoidant people their whole life to begin with.  Avoidant of doing the inner work.  It is a far stretch for them to overcome such massive deficits after MLC to become some amazing person after spending their life avoidant of inner work.

It can happen.  My MLCer did the work and is now a whole, healthy, amazing partner and father. 

That said having watched the process and how humble, dedicated, steady, patient, steadfast etc he had to be after his MLC towards all of us.  It’s a very sacrificial walk for the MLCer(and LBS).  One I don’t believe most MLCers are capable of.  They may look back in regret or wish they were able to repair.  That is like wishing you were in shape without doing the work.

Most simply will be unable, unwilling or not given the chance to do the work and make things right.  The much easier option is to move on.   For my family both my spouse and I said early on, it truly was easier for us both to just move on.  It is not an easy journey and no promise of some amazing loving spouse after.

That said, it does happen and in my case it was worth the effort.  He still has ptsd from the deployment that started all of this.  He still has to battle that daily, but I do fully trust him again and believe in him fully.  Each situation is different.  For my spouse he had a very strong faith before MLC.  After the deployment he hated God, and me.  I knew he would eventually get right with God in my heart, but had he waited even a month longer we would not be together.  I had plans to move to TX two years ago, he knew he had to either step up or get out of the way because he was about to watch another man raise his children and love his (ex)wife. 

Their is nothing unselfish about MLC.  If they get right, come back, it’s usually because they are at the end of their rope so to speak.  Their life in shambles.  Not necessarily because they regret all of their choices.  The regret comes later once they are more healed.  The apology, humbleness, dedication to making it right comes after they return still broken.  So taking them back is very difficult imo.

[Finding Joy]

Heavenly Focus-Thank you!  It truly is all we can do for our children to do our best and be who we are supposed to be.  We can’t control other’s actions that is for sure!

[Treasur]

I’m delighted for you and your kids, FJ, that your husband turned out to be one of the rare 5% in time to turn things around. I appreciate your honesty too about how far from an easy or straightforward choice that was for you. Above all, I’m rather touched and admiring of your grit as a parent to make the commitment to try rebuilding that you made. And delighted that your faith and courage have delivered what you hoped they might. It is a very nice thing indeed to hear such good news and all our thoughts and prayers are with you, your husband and your family for the future.

[WHY]

So I keep hearing "healed because the MLCer did the work".

How do we defined healed here?

[Finding Joy]

Thank you Treasur.

Why, I’m not sure how to answer that exactly.  For my h a year after bd he came around and apologized for treating me so badly.  He wasn’t looking to get back together, but he had been in counseling and realized he was the problem.  He Realized he did not love himself and could not love others.

Then, he treated me well, but I still was nothing to him but the mother of his kids.  Slowly, very very slowly he started to become a better father, he could handle more.  He communicated a bit better.  He was more comfortable in his skin and on his phone less.

When he tried to come back the first time I believe it had been two years.  He still thought he was hot stuff and came back with all of these sort of things I would need to do for us to get back together.  I said no thank you.

Six months later he tried again, this time much more humbly and graciously.  I thought about it and said we could try.  He was still very stand offish, so was I.  I told him I didn’t want physical contact for 6 months(as far as kissing etc).  I was completely uncomfortable with the thought even.

So he was far from completely healed, but over a period of time he had been consistent.  He wasn’t partying, or seeing anyone for a full year and a half when I said we could try.  I’m not sure there is a one sized fits all answer here.

I know that the first year of us reconnecting I didn’t know if I wanted it.  He was still so broken, cold, distant.  I knew that would not work longterm.  It was very gradual for my MLCer to become his new normal.  Probably the last 7-9 months I could tell we were both making strides in being more than friends.  Even though we were acting married etc and doing marital things well before that.  It took along time for him to be whole, but also for me to let him in.

[WHY]

Thanks for this.  Yes they seems to be a common theme.  It’s not a flip switch and everything is back to normal.  Seems like it’s a gradual change that happens over years, that you only really notice when looking in the rear view mirror.  I’ve heard this a lot. 

The analogy of not rebuilding from the ground up, but from a big hole after MLC, is so damn true.  Great way at looking at it. 

[Finding Joy]

As I enter that midlife transition stage of life, I find myself really changing.  I am incredibly thankful that during my time as an LBS I really did the hard work and dealt with a-lot of my issues.  I believe it is the very reason I won’t have a mid life crisis instead of a transition.  For that I am thankful.  For me so far this transition is beautiful.  Growing old gracefully and shifting things in my life that no longer benefit.

I am 42 and I can feel a shift.  I naturally am just transitioning into a different stage.  I am a grandma at a fairly young age.  My husbands MLC is all but behind us.  We are finally settled down after years moving with the military.  My youngest is 9 and I do still have 3 kids at home, but they don’t need me like before. 
I finally get to build community and we love our home, neighborhood, church, town etc.  So my goals are sort of all accomplished as far as finally getting all of those things my heart desired.

The thing I learned as an LBS that is possibly the most precious.  I learned to love myself.  To value myself imperfections and all.  If we love ourselves we won’t tolerate what we otherwise would.  We won’t grovel from others for what we already have.  We won’t need validation because we can see our own value.  Don’t get me wrong, moderation in all things.  I’m not suggesting making myself too high.  I’m just saying this is the key to walking away from those who treat us badly.  To setting boundaries and sticking to them.  To keeping toxicity out of our lives because we love and value ourself, so we will not tolerate less.

I am sort of looking to add more purpose by volunteering more, being more present.  Getting back to my routine of getting outside in nature(summer here in TX was brutal), and I have been doing a lot of strength training as well as reading my Bible.

We are slowly remodeling a home and doing landscaping as well and I hybrid homeschool my children.  Meaning they have teachers, but they are home more than traditional children. 

I feel like this can be a time of growth, grace and humility.  I have spent some time grieving mistakes, praying about how to grow and ultimately deciding that I chose how this next segment of life will be.  Will I constantly look back(of course some), will I only live for the future?  Or will I do my best to be the best version of myself right here in the now.  I’m trying to really focus more on relationships and uplifting others. 

I think any kind of transition in life can be difficult and has its challenges, but I am incredibly thankful that so far I see so much beauty in this change.  So much hope for me becoming the full person I was meant to be.  In a way, I owe that to having been an LBS because I understand how precious peace is, what a gift laughter is, how amazing it feels to be whole after so many years of struggle.  To see the growth from the pain and know that their is joy on the other side regardless of the outcome of our marriages.  Sometimes immense pain makes us truly appreciate the good times.  We understand that it is a gift.